Portal:Television
Television is the end product of a signal produced by a stream of electrons impacting on the phosphors of a cathode ray tube. This relatively simple device also happens to be the worst thing to have ever happened to the human race's intelligence. Well, until the Internet that is.
Television also makes you think the images are moving. Television sets contain high levels of drugs which wirelessly and invisibly enter your body orally. The "picture" on a television screen is actually simply black with nothing. This has been considered by scientists as to why many children and teenagers are addicted to watching television; there are many bright colours in children's programmes, and bright colours can cause double levels of the "teledrug" (the top secret mixture of drugs in a TV set) to feed into the children's brains, so as they are mesmerised by the drugs, more feeds into their tiny little brains. This is said to be why the number of children with autism is increasing. (See more...)
Do sea monsters really dwell beneath the waves of the world’s oceans? Do dinosaurs still survive in remote parts of the African Rainforest? Did brutal Soviet dictator Josef Stalin attempt to fund an army of man-ape hybrids?
Science and the academic community have yet to find the answers. For this reason, the History Channel has developed MonsterQuest, a television program 100% devoted to discovering the truth of these and other highly contentious matters. MonsterQuest—part of a new block of quality programming that includes Ice Road Truckers, MysteryQuest, Ice Road Truckers, and Ice Road Truckers—is known for holding itself to the strictest and most stringent of standards, like consulting only the most respected academics and interviewing no more than six lower-middle-class people from Middle America per episode. (See more...)
- ... that every time you turn on your television, your high school P.E. teacher cries?
- ... that if you watch The Facts of Life backwards episode by episode, it unlocks the secrets of the universe?}}
- ... that Wade Wells isn't really a pixie, it's just her haircut?
- ... that if your mom hadn't let you watch so much television, you'd find Wikipedia more entertaining than Uncyclopedia?
- ... that Neil Patrick Harris hates watching television, unless it's Grey's Anatomy or House MD?
- ... that David Attenborough and Steve Irwin used to be very close friends?
Oscar, born in the early twentieth century, has become a well-known face around the popular Sesame Street. But unlike the other monsters, who have a reputation of being happy and friendly, Oscar has gathered a reputation for being grouchy. This begs the question; "Why would a man who lives on the happiest place on earth come off as grouchy?" Well, those who ask this are ignorant, and lack insight into this monster's life. A life which is more torn and twisted than this world itself. If only more people knew his story, they would come to see why he can be more or less angry at times. But sadly, this isn't the case. His life has brought him down and as he withers away from this world which has forsaken him, he leaves with the infamous nickname, Oscar the Grouch. (See more...)
LANCASTER, Pennsylvania – My name is Wilford Pissbritches and I'm 74 years old. I've got a bone to pick with you long-haired hippy kids. I've had this TV for as long as I can remember, and now the goddamned thing won't work worth shit! All I get is some snowy crap, these little white dots and speckles all over this black background. The hell's wrong with this thing?
I'm a widowed retired 'Nam veteran and McDonald's cashier, and the shit I go through ain't nothin' compared to this hippy-happy nonsense. I tried bringin' it in to Uncle Charlie's Salvage Emporium, only to find out that old Charlie had been dead for eight years and his grandson owns the store now. He's some spiky-haired punk named Fizz Chesterfield. He told me I need some fancy whoozits and whatzits, I didn't know what in Sam Hill he was jawin' about. (See more...)
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