User:Fredd The Mahmauscher/Nile (band)

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Contrary to popular belief, this is not Nile. This is the Nubian symphonic black metal band, Tuti Ba'
Nile, in all their glory

Nile is a technical/brütal death metal band from Memphis, ancient Egypt's capital[1]. It was formed in 1993 BC by lyricst/vocalist/guitarist Ka'-Ra' Sand-Ra, drummer Pete Hamm-o-Ra, and bassist/vocalist Chief Spi-Ra. Their songs are generally about their (Middle Eastern, particularly Egyptian) lives, wars, religions, culture, arts, mothers, girlfriends, classmates, teachers, etc.

History[edit | edit source]

The band was formed when an Assyrian immigrant, Hamm-o-Rabi, who had converted to Ra-ism and changed his name to Hamm-o-Ra, posted an ad in a local temple saying that he was looking for two guys of his age to jam together in his parents' garage an old isolated catacomb. Initially, 5 guys applied, but after a serious, fast-paced and skill-challenging "shortest straw" contest, two where chosen, Sand-Ra and Spi-Ra. The band was named Nile in a rather funny [big fat lie] incident. (Note that they had been touring Egypt in their early days without a bandname.) The following is a "detailed" account of this funny [big fat lie] incident: One night, after an exceptionally good performance, they all had the same dream; that they were standing in the house of Amun who blessed them and named them "crocodile of the Nile", which he eventually shortened to just "Nile"[2]. Conspiracy theorists world-wide claim that they chose the bandname Nile because it rhymes with "necropedophile" [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. Anyway, after the blessed "incident", they decided to sign with a records lable and Ra-lapse was the optimal choice. Nile's first four albums were produced and distributed by Ra-lapse, and Nile remained signed with the lable until it (the lable) went bankrupt[3]. Then, for their fifth album, Ithyphallic, they signed with another records lable, Nuke-you-Ra Blast, which was ultimately proven to be way better than Nile's previous lable Ra-lapse [citation needed]. Nile is to produce its yet-untitled sixth studio album with Nuke-you-Ra Blast [4].

Musical Style[edit | edit source]

Nile's music is technical/brütal death metal integrating very low pitched growls, snorts, burps and occasionally middle-eastern acoustic instruments. This is actually an extremely unique and complex musical structure for which they were worshipped critically acclaimed by many journalists, fanboys, priests, and Pharaohs[5]. According to Fox News, their unusually heavy riffing is due to a spell they learned from an old dusty papyrus that Sand-Ra had found at a deserted shrine [6]. Also, it is noteworthy that their lyrical content and grammar are influenced by the writings of High Priest H. P. Lovec-Ra-ft, manifested in their songs about Cthulu huffing sacred orange kittens.

Line Up[edit | edit source]

Ka-Ra Sand-Ra, Nile's frontman. He is the guy in the background

Throughout history, Nile has undergone its share of line up changes[7]:

  • Drummers
    • Every thing was going on smoothly, life was pink and flowers were everywhere, til one day, the day the immigration office discovered that Hamm-o-Ra was an illegal immigrant. On that day he was sent back to Guantanamo Bay Mesopotamia, leaving the band without a drummer. De-Ra-k Ra-dy replaced him on drums, but not for so long as he was drafted and sent to Moon to build a pyramid for the Pharaoh, never to be heard about again. He was eventually replaced by Tony Lau-Ra-no, but again, not for so long. He was killed in a chariot accident as he was driving recklessly along the freeway. George Koll-Isis replaced him, and thankfully he is still in one piece, performing with the band.
  • Bassists
    • After several years of jamming, Chief Spi-Ra felt he needed to retire after he had caused irrepairable damage to his ears. Jon Ve-Set-no replaced him, but after a few years he too retired, wanting to spent more time with his family. Ch-Ra Lollis took his place and is currently Nile's bassist
  • Guitarists
    • Nile normally has one guitarist; Sand-Ra - the only member not to be replaced along Nile's 4002 year of existence as a band. However, when the need arises for a second guitarist, they post an ad at the same ol' local temple, and in case you want to be Nile's next guitarist when the current one is lost in another catastrophe, the temple can be found at that secret mountain facility, next to McDonald's at the intersection between Bebi III Avenue and 9th. Ok, that's enough, now back to the line up changes. First they felt like having a new member so they recruited John Elle-Ra but he was tragically lost when he was trapped in a pitch black tomb and eaten by grues. Ga-Ra Jones replaced him but ended up swallowed by a crocodile. He was replaced by the talented guitarist Dallas Tolle-Ra-Wade.
  • Nile may occasionally recruit some locals as session members to play fancy instruments if they redeem it useful for their song structure [8].

Discography[edit | edit source]

Their average album cover art. Notice the three decapitated prisoners... SWEEET!!

Nile has released 6 studio albums up to date

  1. Amongst The Catacombs Of Nephren Ka' (1993 BC) The members were having fun smashing the Antiu when Ramses, the bringer of war, came along and gave them stones of sorrow and a serpent headed mask before disappearing again into the eternal oceans of sand. This album tells of that very experience.
  2. Black Seeds Of Vengeance (1986 BC) For inspiration of this album, the members of Nile defiled the gates of Ishtar in order to retrieve the black flame. They used the flame to masturbate the war god on a multitude of foes.
  3. In Their Darkened Shrines (1982 BC) Nile's tribute to the blessed dead. Ka-Ra-Sand-Ra found the sarcophagus of Unas, the slayer of the gods. Then he churned the maelstrom with the winds of horus to destroy the temples of the enemies of Ra.
  4. Annihilation Of The Wicked (1980 BC) Ka-Ra-Sand-Ra decided to cast down the heritic because he wouldn't sacrifice unto sebek. The gods sent him to the burning pits of Duat where the heretic was lashed to a slave stick.
  5. Ithyphallic (1977 BC) Ka-Ra-Sand-Ra had trouble writing lyrics for this album cause he no longer knew what could be safely written. He asked Ra to lay fire upon Apep to give him some essential salts. Ka-Ra-Sand-Ra then was confident that the gods shouldn't interfere with his Ithyphallus, because even the gods must die.
  6. Those Whom the Gods Detest (1973 BC) A strange concept album. The only vocals were a hittie dung incantation and some utterances that came from the crawling dead. The album caused the 4th arra of Dagon to begin, which caused Osiris to stop permitting the noble dead to descend to the underworld.
  • They have three singles for "Ramses, Bringer of War", "Unas, Slayer of the Gods", and "Papyrus Containing the Spell to Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He who is in the Water."

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • They are banned from playing in Mesopotamia, due to its government's frustration over the song "Defiling The Gates Of Ishtar" [9].
  • Nile is Göre, Trve, Brvtal and Kvlt-as-Fvck.
  • They are the only brütal death metal band to sell out and appear at shitfest Ozzfest.
  • Some of Nile's songs have titles longer than their lyrical contents, here are some of them:
    • Libation Unto The Shades Who Lurk In The Shadows Of The Temple Of Anhur
    • Dusk Falls Upon The Temple Of The Serpent On The Mount Of Sunrise
    • Chapter Of Obeisance Before Giving Breath To The Inert One In The Presence Of The Cresent Shaped Horns
    • Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water
    • Yezd Desert Ghul Ritual in the Abandoned Towers of Silence
    • Decapitating The Criminals Who Lurk In The Shadows At Night Waiting For The Guardian Of The Gates Of The Central Bank To Answer The Call Of Nature So They Can Break In, Steal The Royal Bling, Sell It In The Black Market And Spend The Stolen Money On American Monster Trucks That Are So Powerful That Even The Gods Themselves Tremble And Fall Before Their Might At The Temple Of The Crocodile In The Desert Island In The Middle Of The Red Sea Where The Deadly Shark That Killed The Pharaoh's Mother Reigns
  • As a teenager, Ramses II used to listen to Nile (and Cannibal Corpse) secretly in the WC on his iPod.
  • The God of War sued Nile for the song "Masturbating The God Of War" claiming that he is a very strict Catholic who doesnt masturbate or have sex with women[10]. He bribed the judge, won the lawsuit and recieved monetary compensation from the band to compensate for the bribes.
  • Nile holds the world record of the longest surviving band in history, currently at 4002 years, and counting [11].
  • Nile's concerts witness some of the most brütal and battle-like mösh pits, such as the one in the picure below.
A mosh pit at Nile's gig in the Valley of the Kings, Ramses Bringer Of War world tour, 1337 BC

See Also[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ wikipedia says so
  2. ↑ !
  3. ↑ from their official webzine
  4. ↑ fact
  5. ↑ believe me
  6. ↑ buurp
  7. ↑ ya
  8. ↑ everybody does so
  9. ↑ believe me
  10. ↑ believe me
  11. ↑ voices in my mind said so
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