Zork
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- This page is about redundancy. For the state of being redundant, see redundant.
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“I simply hate, detest, loathe, despise, and abhor redundancy.”
“I'm going to fucking bury that guy. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill... OH MY GOD!!! AHHHHH!!! MY LEG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AGAERLBARGLEHAESL...........”
“It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue.”
“Roses are red, violets are blue / I'm sorry to say, you'll be eaten by a Grue”
“In soviet Russia, YOU eat grues!”
“In soviet Russia, Grue still eat YOU!”
“This is exactly why I only order the Blueberry Muffins from Starbucks.”
“This is one damn cool refrigerator!”
“All the litigation in the world couldn't stop 'em. They boarded with impunity, cutlasses in one hand and flash drives in the other, easily casting aside our carefully crafted firewalls and EULAs. They reeked of rum and DeCSS. And as they sailed away with all our bits, I noticed the flag on the mast... a cassette tape and crossbones. I shivered... I learned to fear the name The Pirate Bay.”
“I can no longer sit back and allow communist infiltration, communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our bodily fluids.”
“
”
"I was $2,000 in debt. I had 3 kids that I had to feed. I was unemployed and I just didn't know what to do. It felt like I was I being buried alive in debt. But then I heard about the finance-Euroipod system. I paid the money and now I own stock in the credit companies"'--Sara, age 39, $3,000,000
"Euroipods are better then any of my business ideas"--Charles P., age 23, $500,000
"i was 4 +80 lvl w4rl0c|< 1n WoW + 1 dint h4\/3 3n0ug t1m3 2 pwn n00bz evr s1nc3 my m0m k1ck3d m3 0u+ 0f th3 h0use. but wh3n 1 m4d3 my f1r5t $ m1l 1 h4d 3n0ugh t1me t0 4|| n00bz + n0w I'm a 4 +100 lvl w4rl0c|<" -- L33r0y _x0rz, 29, 5,000,000 gold
"Finally I can retire from this stupid superhero business as a Zimbabwean dollar multimillionaire thanks to this brand new deal I've made over e-mail with a Nigerian businessman to buy real-estate property in the, as he put it, flourishing African country of Bangalla for free! All he required was 1) money and 2) reffering my freinds to do the same!"--Captain Oblivious, age unknown, $7,500,000*
*Note: $ as in Zimbabwean dollars
"I was just 2 days from my retirement when my company's executives were involved in a corporate scandal and I lost my pension. I thought I would never be able to retire. Then I found about the finance-Euroipod system"--Sam, age 59, $10,000,000
"I have now acquired virtual immortality through the marvelous finance-Euroipod system, since as everyone knows [ Money = Time ], and ever since this ingenious system earned me a fantazillion dollars in addition to my already existing fortune, I have all the time in the world at my disposal!"--Scrooge McDuck, age 140, $10^6332739
"I thought all those get-rich-schemes were just a scam, but guess what?! I did get rich!"--Laura, age 45, $4,000,000
"I now finally own all of my quotes" -- Oscar, age 200, $500,000,000
“It's free!!! Like the clap!”
 | This article is likely to be eaten by a grue. I suggest you protect yourself or play a game of Zork: The GReat Underground Empire before it eats you too. |
| Grue's Clues | |
| |
| Directed by | Quentin Tarantino |
| Written by | Tom Freston...and Tom Freston alone! |
| Starring | Christopher Reeve Theodore Bo Geyman Andy Dick Fabio Rev. Zimulator Sean Connery Grue Steve Burns |
| Produced by | Tom Freston |
| Distributed by | Viacom |
| Air date | September 9th, 2000 |
| Runtime | 340 min. |
| Language | English |
| Budget | N/A |
| The Pirate Bay | |
|---|---|
| |
| Location | |
| Founded in | 2003 |
| Currency | Bandwidth |
| Population | 25 million teenagers |
| Threat level | SEVERE |
Have a Look Around.
Redundancy is the unnecessary, optional, slightly overwhelming and constant ever-lasting long-term usage of either needless, tautological, pleonastic, superfluous or unnecessary text, by which one repeats, in duplication, the same, identical, aforesaid things over and over and over and over and over again, beyond what would be needed or required to explain, or make comprehensible, the intended or signified meaning of that which one wishes, or wants, to put across and convey. These things can be and most likely will be referred to as being redundant. Usually, it is often common in redundancy to repeat, sometimes with different phrasing or words, the same idea or reasoning, thus restating one's thoughts, sometimes paraphrasing oneself and effectively saying the same thing twice, or double, or thrice, or three times, triply so or treble of, or a small handful of times, or any number of excessive, unnecessary restatements greater than zero (none).
Lord Redund, also called Lord Alvin Redund, or Alvin Lord Redund, or Alvin, often dressed and attired himself in an ascot, collar, scarf, and neckerchief, as well as a cloak, coat, jacket, vest, and overcoat. This meant that often and many times, he was hot, searing, roasting and otherwise stuffy much, or most, of the time. His clothing, vestments, garments, apparel, outfit, costume and attire, were considered, regarded, looked upon, held to be, and thought of as excessive, superfluous, undue, disproportionate, immoderate, supernumerary, and more than required.
.... . .-.. .-.. --- ..--.. / .. ... / .- -. -.-- --- -. . / --- ..- - / - .... . .-. . ..--.. / .... . .-.. .-.. --- ..--.. / .. --..-- / ..- -- --..-- / .. / .-- .- ... / .--- ..- ... - / .-- .- -. -.. . .-. .. -. --. / - .... .-. --- ..- --. .... / - .... . / .- .-.. . -..- .- -. -.. . .-. / --. .-. .- -- -... .-.. . / . -..- .... .. -... .. - / --- ..-. / - .... . / -. .- - ..- .-. .- .-.. / .... .. ... - --- .-. -.-- / -- ..- ... . ..- -- / .-- .... . -. / .. / .-. . .- -.-. .... . -.. / .- -.-. .-. --- ... ... / - .... . / .-. --- .--. . / - --- / - --- ..- -.-. .... / - .... . .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / - .... .. -. --. -.-- .-.-.- / .-- .... .- - .----. ... / .. - / -.-. .- .-.. .-.. . -.. ..--.. / .-- .. .-. .- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / --. .-. .- .--. .... .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-- .. .-. . .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / --- .... --..-- / - . .-.. . -....- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / - . .-.. . --. .-. .- .--. .... / -.-- . .- .... --..-- / ... --- / .. / .--. ..- ... .... . -.. / - .... . / - . .-.. . --. .-. .- .--. .... / -.. --- .-- -. / - --- / ... . . / .-- .... .- - / .. - / ..-. . .-.. - / .-.. .. -.- . / .- -. -.. / - .... . -. .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / ... --- -- . - .... .. -. --. / .... .- .--. .--. . -. . -.. .-.-.- / .. / .-- .- ... / - .-. .- -. ... .--. --- .-. - . -.. / - --- / - .... .. ... .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / - .... .. ... / .--. .-.. .- -.-. . / .-- .... . .-. . / . ...- . .-. -.-- --- -. . / .--. .-. . - . -. -.. ... / - --- / -... . / .- -. / . -..- .--. . .-. - / --- -. / - .... .. -. --. ... / - .... . -.-- / -.- -. --- .-- / -. --- - .... .. -. --. / .- -... --- ..- - .-.-.- / ... . .-. .. --- ..- ... .-.. -.-- --..-- / .. .----. -- / ... - .- .-. - .. -. --. / - --- / .-.. --- ... . / -- -.-- / -- .. -. -.. .-.-.- / .... . -.-- --..-- / .-- .... --- / -.. .. -.. / - .... .- - ..--.. / ... - --- .--. / .-.. .. -. -.- .. -. --. / - .... .. -. --. ... .-.-.- / .-.. . .- ...- . / -- . / .- .-.. --- -. . .-.-.- / --. . - / -- . / --- ..- - / --- ..-. / .... . .-. . / .... . .-.. .--. .-.-.- / .. / .-- .- -. - / -- -.-- / -- --- -- -- -.-- .-.-.-
Alliteration articulates an artistic and alacritous approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accoutrements as alarmingly affective alignments. Alliteration allows aspiring authors abilities above average approaches. Alliterative adroitness accentuates accomplishments (an appealing aspect appalling artistic arrangements attempt abominably). Allowing additional anterior alphanumerics, although adumbrating aesthetic accuracy, affords abortive artistic acuity. Ancient alliterations affirm archeological assertions accrediting archaic artistic alliterative ascendancy. Albeit acutely arduous, alliteration affects antonymous allegory, an absolute actualization alluding asomatous abstruse anima.
A grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero.
It is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.
There are an estimated 47 grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.
The game of Zork consists entirely of being repeatedly eaten by a grue.
The Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is the longest possible order you could order at Starbucks. Once you have ordered this, you cannot order anything larger. It was ordered only once (in the late 1990's), and it singlehandedly destroyed the economy of South America. It is now illegal in both American Continents, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Antarctica. In fact, it's now illegal everywhere except for a select few unclaimed square inches in the Southern Pacific Ocean and Belgium. The United Nations are working on this problem even as you read this.
Prior to October 26, 2001, the Quadruple Espressinoso Super Grande Light Blueberries And Cream Half-Soy Full City Roast Nonfat Half-caf Organic Caramel Vanilla Iced Double-Shot Macchiato Black Tea Chai Foamed Shaken Sugar-free Cinnamon Eggnog Dolce Peppermint Gingerbread Pumpkin Spice Latte Thrice Blended Extra Hot With Three Ice Cubes Hold The Whipped Cream, One Sweet'N Low, and One Nutrasweet was the longest possible order at Starbucks. However, the Patriot Act made it a criminal offense to utter its name, as it tends to call forth the demons of Hell.
The term Dixlesya comes from a cimbonitaon of the Greek siffux 'Dys' - menaing bad, ill or imperad - and from the Litan word 'Lexia' mianeng wodrs. The letiral menaing of the term Dylsexia is theferore "bad words", suggisteng that the man who origanilly set the name to pepar was hemsilf a sufrefer, but was he? Raed on to find out... assmuing you can
Grue's Clues is an award-winning children's animated television show on Nick Jr. The show's intent is to teach children life-long lessons, such as that inanimate objects talk and that grues are harmless. The show is currently airing season five, and recording season six.
It can be seen nationwide on channel 20X6, and is broadcast internationally in nine different languages. It has become the highest grossing show on Nick Jr. and a movie version of the show is being recorded.
Ah, morning. The beginning of the day, and similarly, the end of the previous night. It greets you with the warmth and welcome that it always has, for as long as you can remember. As you customarily do every morning, you shower, dress yourself, eat breakfast, and shave. Stroking your five o'clock shadow, you pause to take a look in the mirror, razor in hand[1]. You do look good. Well built, rugged, a nice buff physique, but not too buff, just the right size. You breathe a short sigh and muse aloud, "Life is good."
And indeed, it is. Not only because of your severely agreeable physical features, but life in general is just good. You live in a comfortable apartment, reasonably priced and easily handled by the wages you make as store manager. You hit the gym three days a week, and usually have enough free time on your hands to go out with your buddies, or to a club of some sort. You play guitar in a local rock band that's relatively well-known in your city. This drives the ladies crazy. And, speaking of the ladies, you get laid at least twice a week.
It's always been like this for you. You graduated high school at the top of your class and were the captain of the football team. As one of the most attractive guys in school, you had dated every cheerleader at one point or another (and at your school, all of them were actually hot). And so on this, your day off, while laying back in your recliner, eating Salsa Verde flavored Doritos, and watching reruns of Family Matters, you come to a realization: Your life is a complete and total bore!
You decide it's time for a change. It's time for something different. It's time to do something exciting and new, while simultaneously destroying every last shred of manhood you possess. It's time to get your penis removed.
HI! BILLY MAYS HERE, INTRODUCING A BRAND NEW PRODUCT! ARE YOUR COMMERCIALS LACKING STYLE? ARE YOUR SCRIPTS NOT POLISHED? WELL I HAVE THE PERFECT PRODUCT FOR YOU! MYSELF! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB AND YOU CAN HIRE ME TO DO YOUR COMMERCIAL FOR JUST 12 EASY PAYMENTS OF $1,295.31 $0! OFFER ONLY AVAILABLE IN HEAVEN!
Elevators (inaccurately called "lifts" in stupid places) are torture devices invented in 1523 by the Spanish Catholic Inquisitors searching for a more efficient method of "repressing" the Jews, protestants, and their Satanist in-laws. The 16th century design, although crude by today's standard, set the bar for torture devices to a higher level.[2] Over the years the original design was modified extensively until it became the modern object of torture it is now. As of today, the elevator has become a stapler of the civilized business world, despite numerous attempted sanctions by so-called "peace-keeping" pansies.
Hi my name's Joshy and I’m four and I’m gonna tell you all about LazyTown – it’s my favourite TV programme and Daddy says that if I watch it anymore I’ll know all the words - but I already do and that means I could be an actor when I’m big and that’d be really, really cool because then I’ll be on the TV and my best friend Thomas will be really jealous because he's a rubbish actor!
I like LazyTown because it tells me that if I eat too many sweets I’ll die, even though Mummy says I won’t - but she’s stupid because she’s not Sportacus and she works in a bakery that sells cakes - which aren’t good for you either. And LazyTown also has adventures in it too where Robbie Rotten tries to make LazyTown lazy again and then Sportacus has to stop him otherwise everyone in LazyTown will die of fatness and if that happened then there will be no more LazyTown to watch and I’ll be sad because I might have to go fishing with Thomas’ daddy and it’s really boring.
The Pirate Bay (abbreviated TPB) is one of the world's largest piracy groups, located in a naturally defensible cove on the coast of Sweden, from which the organization takes its name. Founded in 2003, The Pirate Bay has seen unrivalled success on the high seas, having grown until it could boast a membership roster of millions of pirates and their ships. The organization is headed by a handful of volunteers who, in their brief bouts of sobriety, assist members with the cataloguing and distribution of stolen goods.
Despite its considerable notoriety and the effectiveness of its operations, The Pirate Bay itself is shielded from the wrath of law enforcement and anti piracy groups by operating in such a manner that legal liability is on the millions of individual pirates, instead of the one centralized organization. While this limitation has not stopped these groups from trying to close down The Pirate Bay, none of these attempts have been truly successful, and The Pirate Bay continues to operate to this day.
McDonland isn’t some kind of fun zone where everyone has a groovy time in the ball pit, OK? This is a serious business and if you want to work for the clown, you'd better wipe that smile off your face. I bet a punk like you thinks that being Ronald McDonald is all about glory, money and bitches, huh? Let me tell you something, I might be smiling when you see my statue down at the golden arches but the only reason I’m standing here today is because I’m a survivor.
There is very little to smile about here. Do you know how many people I’ve killed? Sweet Bajeezus, I can’t even remember how many dinks like you I’ve split in half with my bare hands, let alone come up with a total body count for everyone that tried to get in my way. Maybe you can look up how many McRib sandwiches we’ve sold in the past 20 years, I figure someone your size makes about 9-10 patties after processing. That's the magic of the fast food marketplace - which can ultimately be summed up in four words.......
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion is the short name of a black comedy by chronic masturbator Stanley Kubrick that theorizes what would happen if twelve thousand clones of Peter Sellers were put in charge of the United States government. Its complete title is Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Perhaps Some Nietzsche or Other Such Intellectual Rot, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, Lightly Toasted On White Bread With Some Orange Juice (But No Pulp) And Perhaps an Ice Cube or Two, Then Rent a Movie, Preferably an Action Comedy Starring Jackie Chan (a Guilty Pleasure of Mine), Go Out and Party, Generally Have a Good Time, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion, and Perhaps Even Come to the Point of Loving the Idea of Atomic Weapons. The full name was used in the title sequence, which consequently accounted for half the duration of the film, as well as early commercials for the film, which were soon cancelled because they were longer than the film itself.
Like all of Kubrick's movies, the story was based on an obscure, neglected tone poem composed by Richard Strauss, which has a title so long no one has ever bothered to type it or even read the whole thing. The melody was so incredibly long it only manages to get repeated twice in the entire composition. Thus, no one ever plays it. Some other parts of the story, however, were based on the book Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Aleeeeeeeeeeeert!!.
The movie is not to be confused with Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, which is an entirely different film altogether. The movie Fail-Safe was claimed to be a huge ripoff of Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion, but this was found to be not true on the basis that the names of the characters were different. Fail-Safe, however, remains an unfunny movie nobody knows of, much less cares about.
You may think they were the invention of a random paedophile, but just like the Jeep, the Internet, and the Furby, the ice cream truck was originally a piece of military technology developed for US government use, but subsequently picked up with the crane of commercial enterprise to schlep inferior and overpriced products to the masses. Even so, respect to the man in the ice cream van.
Oh how I love a good visual pun! Visual puns are the ultimate in puns; they've got everything: They're visual and they're puns. What more could you ask for? They've been used by literally hundreds of people to achieve humor. Everyone from Gary Larson, author of The far side comics, to 
George W. Bush, former president of the United States of America. When I see a well crafted groaner it makes me... well... groan. It makes me omit a sound that is indescribable. It's sort of an UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! mixed with a GAH! But it does more than that, it makes me happy, it makes me think, think about visual puns, it makes me want to yell to the world, "
Holy cow! That's hilarious!". But most of all, it makes me forget all the troubles of the world, if only for a second. If I were to search the whole world over, I would never find anything that makes me happier than a really funny visual pun... Or a tiny sombrero, I like them, too.
Unobtanium is a non-existent, make-believe element of the periodic table which does not in fact have a place on the periodic table due mostly to its non-existence and make-believeness. While the fairy tale element has been used in absurd narratives throughout history – starting with the Hindus – it is used in contemporary science-fiction as a plot device to make totally impossible things become totally possible, fictionalistically that is. Two particularly preposterous uses of the element were in the in the 1985 film, Star Trek VI The Voyage Home, and most blatantly in the 2009 film, Avatar.
In many other, shall we call, Spicy films, Unobtanium is subtly alluded to as being a valuable "make the impossible fantasy become credible as well as an orgasm superconductor". Any one familiar with any of this naughty cinema might assume we are talking about the stimulant Viagra. If you think that, then you clearly are not paying attention since Viagra is made up of real chemicals and exists in this world, right here right now and simply happens to be blue and sticky. Unobtanium is something that does not actually exist, and for the sake of science fiction writers, cannot exist in the actual world (otherwise they would have to come up with something new to make far out cinema enjoyable).
If Unobtanium were found to actually exist it would destroy the entire science fiction story genre. This explains why all attempts at mining the element, such as on Earth's second moon, are sabotaged by Hollywood screenwriters. One should never underestimate the power of "Hollywood".
Unobtanium is said to be so incredibly expensive that any thought experiment on its value will result in brain exploding paradoxes. Paradoxes which destroy the very concept of absurdity. One gram of Unobtanium is considered to be so expensive it would require a planet about the size of Jupiter made out of solid gold to equal market value at a concept modern humans could understand.
According to James know-it-all Cameron, Unobtanium is worth a mere 20 million per kilogram (2.2 lbs) unrefined on Earth. But the monetary denomination is not specified, meaning it could very well refer to 20 million tons of solid gold per kilogram – which accords with the preceding assessment. When considering the obvious issue of Unobtanium being unreal its price is often classified as "unaffordium".[3]. It seems to Uncyclopedia that this value estimate could hardly take into consideration the costs of shipping the raw material from planet of origin to Earth, which expense could be astronomical[4].
Unobtanium is odorless, tasteless, solid at room temperature and very sticky.
We've all been there[5] : The dishes are slowly piling up on the sink, the cutlery draw is empty, this morning you ate breakfast from a saucepan, the smell that emanates from the kitchen is comparable to the odour of durian mixed with sweaty socks, your friends have stopped dropping by, and the cockroaches have placed a flag on the peak of the filth and declared it their nation.[6]
Never fear! Uncyclopedia's HowTo section is here to help! Well at the very least, it is going to present you with a method so you can help yourself, because you're certainly not passing that job on to me!
Introduction to the page title including a bold page title to remind the reader that they're reading about page title. Repetition of the page title topic and random cat references. Vandalism in which random passersby wrote down the first thing about page title they think of, resulting in an utterly unfunny page lede that demonstrates the same disappointment people expect from the rest of the page title host site. Depressing tangent about some anecdote that doesn't bear any real resemblance to anything most people understand.
Long list of other things the page title can be called, including page topic, page alias, page redirect, page description, page's sister, and that incident when page's sister absolutely refused to have sex with anyone who knew page title[7]. Subsequent awkward explanation that page title doesn't actually have a sister and that the incident was a complete mixup. Subsequent even more awkward attempt to change the topic which fails because this is the page on page title and thus the page topic is page title.
Veiled attempt to pass all of the page introduction as high-brow humour before hastily moving onto some page title background.
The speck of dust next to my keyboard is a particle, 400 micrometers in diameter, of an unknown (although dirty) substance that landed on my desk, approximately three centimeters from the left side of my keyboard in early AD 2006.
F4 is one of the more notorious keys of the keyboard. F4 is actually a contraction of the original spelling "ffff", which was first used in 1982 by the great programmer Ffffrancis Ffffiddleton, so that he could contract his name when writing it out on his computer. Since then, F4 has taken on many other uses and functions, most notably (its default setting) producing four fs.
Plot[edit | edit source]
One day, Tinky Winky farted, causing a loophole, a wormhole and an asshole. In the wormhole, two strange people turned into white lines and had to get hit by a square for the rest of their lives. This guy and this guy had sex in another universe, with a certain star of a drama TV show and Arceus having a burping contest.
Green Eggs and Ham[edit | edit source]
Green Eggs and Ham is a personal favorite. Not only is the book a classic, but it makes me want to rot my eggs and ham just to "go green" and eat like a king! Dr. Seuss would love it. Don't get me wrong, I've eaten green colored food before, just ask your mother. And no, this is not a your mom joke. That is so 2004.
Basically, like all Dr. Seuss books, Green Eggs and Ham is a slapstick comedy. Green Eggs and Ham delivers twice as much as Horton Hires a Ho, three times as much as The Cat in the Hat, four times as much as How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and five times as much as The Lorax! It was epic, how he denied Sam I Am all of those possibilities to eat the colored food. Amazing!
I know, I know. I know why you never read that book growing up. I know. Your first reaction was, "Why is this egg and ham combination green?" That is exactly what the great but late Dr. Seuss never got the chance to explain.
The green eggs and ham were regular eggs and ham, until they went through a horrific science experiment. Yes, the same one that the Incredible Hulk went through. But, instead of needing to become angry to go green, the eggs and ham simply require Sam I Am to fail in the art of selling food to grumpy guys.
- Would you eat them in a box? Would you eat them with a fox? Not in a box. Not with a fox. Not in a house. Not with a mouse. I would not eat them here or there. I would not eat them anywhere. I would not eat green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
This guy woke up on the wrong side of the bed!
History[edit | edit source]
Primitive voice recognition[edit | edit source]
New paragraph enter key enter key.
The past twenty years have seen the most developments are voice recognition but in actual fact Alex sand her. Grey ham-bell helped pie on ear The technology pee read I mean. It still sucks though. He discovered how to convert Sound waves into written formats – To that he vould speak to some Coke on the phone who would ride it out by hand. However comma Most people, A specially bells Personal assistant Jim, became tired Of writing everything by hand and wanted something that would not give them RSI All the wrist of the wrist. Enter I mean. Oh Hey John, I can't talk on the phone right now, I'm at the off is. Aisle call you back when I get home.
Breakthroughs[edit | edit source]
The nineteen eighty’s soar massive developments In the technology when to distinct types of commercial products became available full stop, er. The first, um, offered speaker independent recognition of small vocabularies. It was most useful for almost nothing except translating the speech of Parents heats parakeets hit over the head with an iron bar. The second, offered by the Kurzweil applied intelligence, dragon systems and IBM, focused on the development of a large vocabulary voice recognition systems so that the text documents could be created by voice, er, dictation. This was etter but still quite ship, and it’s streamlined extremely expensive.
Over the past two decades cummer Voice recognition technology has developed to the point of real time continuous speech systems that augment command, security and content creation tasks with exceptionally hi accurate c. However my computer still does not recognize ‘ship buttresses’. See what I mean?
So, slowly, and using the greatest of care,
Horton held out a twenty in the cool evening air,
And from his soiled trunk the bill she did pluck,
And he grinned as he spoke, “Nice shoes. Wanna walk?”
Our Lovable Icons[edit | edit source]
In order to really go the distance and win the palpitating hearts of our younger customers (or McYoung'ns), it is beneficial that you learn all of our lovable corporate mascots:
- Ronald McDonald - Our main icon. Wearing his ironic yellow jumpsuit, this kindly clown whisks children off their feet and helps them learn and play. He sometimes goes clubbing and also knows how to figure skate. His haunting visage is generally burned into the minds of infants within their first 4-8 months of life.
- Grimace - The fat purple marshmallow thing (pictured). Known for his cult popularity among asexuals.
- The Hamburglar - An escaped convict from Rikers Island. A "rubblephile". Acts as a multi-purpose villain, notorious for hamburglary. It must also be noted that he was infected with anal herpes during his incarceration, and as such should be avoided at all costs.
- Mac Tonight - A smooth, pimp-ass moon guy.
- Birdie - The bird one(duh...) Most notable for being an icon for fags.
- Mayor McCheese - A lovable village idiot who spends a majority of his life in a drug-induced haze wearing a oversized novelty cheeseburger on his head.
- Officer Big Mac - Mayor McCheeses' obvious illegitimate son. McCheese gave him a kush job in the department to keep his ex-mistress quiet.He is well known for his stereotypical Irish accent.
Notable Episodes[edit | edit source]
- Episode 7: The Five Solas Calvin learns the secret that salvation is attained purely through divine grace, whilst Hobbes explores his sexual fetish for Tuna.
- Episode 9: Nasty, Brutish and Short Calvin builds a snowman but Hobbes kicks it to pieces while screaming that without a strong monarch, all of human life would reduce to warfare, owing to the mechanistic and selfish nature of man himself - through a tannoy.
- Episode 18: Leviathan The duo learn that a giant sea monster has been eating ships, and the two race to transmogrify it.
- Episode 26: The Hugonauts Calvin turns into Spaceman Spiff and leads a gang of space explorers, all coincidently named "Hugo."
- Episode 30: On the Citizen Hobbes sets out to found a society based on the natural condition of mankind, but Calvin ruins it when the entire civilization is burned down following a game of Calvinball against Jacobus Arminius.
- Episode 38: Doppelgangers! People that look just like Calvin and Hobbes show up (they are actually played by Calvin and Hobbes themselves). Come on, you know every series has this episode. And the episode where they switch bodies. And the one where the guy accidentally winds up with two dates at once and has to switch back between them. And the one where they get trapped and reminisce on past episodes. And the one where one of the characters pretends to be sick to get out of doing something, and winds up learning some valuable life lesson. And the one where the good guys get their name sullied and become on the wrong side of the law, and they have to fight to prove their innocence. And the one where they go inside another character's body for reasons explained in the plot. And the one where Justin Bieber makes a guest appearance, but the whole episode is just made to suck his dick. And the one where...
- Episode 46: G.R.O.S.S Calvin and Hobbes form G.R.O.S.S (Get Reformed, O Slimy churcheS), an organization dedicated to Protestant reform. However, they never actually do anything as they spend the whole episode giving themselves titles and awards.
- Episode 50: The Noodle Incident The famous lost episode, of which the last copy was destroyed in the Great Fire of 1666, which was caused by improper distribution of a particular s'mores ingredient (notably fire). To this day, nobody knows what the Noodle Incident was about, though some contemporary records refer to the episode as "friggin hilarious."
[Insert section header here][edit | edit source]
[Insert in-joke that only your school gets here]
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[Insert reference to the subject's sexual orientation here] [Insert kitten huffing joke here] [Insert sentence filled with other references to kittens here] [Insert not-so-subtle allusion to masturbation and God here] [Insert explanation why God hates the article subject here, unless the subject is God, in which case insert explanation why God hates this article here] [Insert non sequitur here]
[Insert revelation about worldwide conspiracy involving rabid spork-wielding squirrels here]
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[Insert DC Comics reference here]
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Act 1: The Exposition, wherein the Conflict Is Introduced[edit | edit source]
Everyone is still running around outside, until they stop and rest under an idyllic shade cast by an idyllic tree.
- Hero: So where did this Pixar come from?
- Sidekick: It was actually part of Lucasfilm until Steve Jobs bought it out.
- Hero: Who?
- Sidekick: You wouldn't understand. Then they entered into a partnership with Disney, and made Toy Story. Since then, they've been making really good movies. Except Cars. That one was just horrible.
- Hero: No, you did not just say that!
- Sidekick: Yes, I did, and I stand by it.
- Hero: No you didn't!
- Sidekick: Yes I did!
Suddenly the hero is pulled out of his surroundings by a mysterious hand.
- Hero: What's happening? Hey! Let me go!
- Sidekick: No! Come back!
The sidekick's expression turns into a resolute one.
- Sidekick: I'm going to go and look for him, even though he'll probably go and rescue himself anyway.
In the next roundabout, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD![edit | edit source]
Sometimes it would seem that even the GPSs are having a difficult time wrapping their electronic mind around...well...roundabouts, or English Humour in general. Even the most advanced GPS will not be able to guide you through the magic roundabout.
For example, the older GPSs encountering a simple roundabout cannot state the obvious Turn Left, Turn Rightish, Go Forward, Turn Back etc, it must connect to your higher brain functions and state the problematic: On the next roundabout, take the third exit. So visualize yourself the poor bastard roaming around a roundabout counting exits while a bunch of other poor bastards drag behind him honking their horns hoping that THE BLOOMING IDIOT WILL MAKE UP HIS GOD DAMNED MIND NOT KNOWING HE IS SIMPLY FOLLOWING HIS GPS DIRECTIVES
BUT EVEN IF THEY WOULD THEY WOULDN'T GIVE A DAMN SINCE THEY ONLY WANT TO GO HOME AFTER A HARD DAY AT WORK OR MAYBE HAVE A NICE PINT BEFORE GOING BACK TO THE MISSUS, JUST SIMPLE WISHES OF SIMPLE MEN EH!?!?!
*Cough*
Sorry about that.
Scene 2[edit | edit source]
A map of North America is shown. Slowly the camera zooms in, zeroing in on the US-Mexico border. Dora is seen with Boots, staring at the tall barbed-wire-topped wall between the two countries.
Dora: Mi mama says I have to make it to America! She says it's the only way to make ends meet in the future. She's already there, and it's my turn to go too! Yay! Do you know where America is?
An awkward pause ensues, as it is uncertain who the protagonist is addressing, before a cursor comes out of nowhere and clicks on the visible land behind the wall.
Dora: That's right! America is a magical land, much better than Mejico! Right, Boots?
Boots' tail makes an awkward "boing" noise at the mention of his name. His voice is essentially the same as Dora's, though he is supposed to be a boy.
Boots: Yup. Much better. But how are we going to get across that scary wall?
Another awkward pause. All of a sudden, out of Dora's backpack pops a map. It is conveniently named "Map."
Map: I can help!
Dora: I have an idea! Let's ask Map! Say, "Map."
Audience: Map.
Dora: Say it again!
Audience: Map.
The map opens up, revealing a simplistic path to the other side of the wall. There is no practical way that it could actually lead to the other side, but this nitpick is overlooked for the greater evil of the film. The map, as with every other major, minor, or Don Adams Screen Test-winner role, has a song to introduce it. Sung to a simplistic yet jolly tune, it goes:
Map: I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map! Now, where'd you say you wanted to go? Oooohhhh, America! That's a very popular destination nowadays!
At this point, tradition dictates that Map indicate two landmarks to use to get to the destination. This is no exception. As each is named, it is highlighted with ambient light.
Map: Pit of prisoners, Border patrol, America!
At this point, a rather tiresome repetition process progresses, that will in the interest of space not be printed here. However, at the end of it, a whoosh sound accompanies the pan out to Dora and Boots.
Dora: What did you learn? [pause] Pit of prisoners, Border Patrol, America? Yay!
A musical interlude of mind-numbingly stupid proportions follows this revelation, which will also not be printed for the sake of length. The scene is then over.
4[edit | edit source]
You trudge through the pouring rain, anticipating the awesome speed and lush graphics of the Green Hill Zone. You hadn't phoned your friend in advance since your parents won't let you use the telephone. Upon arriving at your friend's house, his mother informs you that he is the chicken pox, and can't see anyone because he is blind, and that you're a bad influence on him anyway. As you walk away, you see him sitting up, playing his Sega, not looking ill at all.
You get in a traffic accident on your way home, and die.
- The End!
Nice people, those men were. But anyway, I don't know about you, but I'm kinda hungry. And I might have *Cough* Eaten all the candy that nice sex offender gave us *Cough* But I think that guy over there is selling something.
Let's go find out if it's food!
Howdy! So what's that stuff you're selling? Crack? Well, can I try a little? Thank you. Well... It's... Interesting... *Twich* *Twich*
I'll take it!
So how much I can get? A pound? Great! So how much will that cost? That much? Well, I don't think I have that much, but I can give you everything in my pockets.
That's some pocket lint, a Chucky Cheese token, and...
MY FAVORITE 1984 PENNY NAMED ADAM!!!
It was in my pocket the whole time!
But we did have a good time on our adventure to the city, right ki-
Types of mental illnesses[edit | edit source]
As I've said before, mental illnesses are not all the same. Here are all the mental illnesses I know of. However, this is not a complete list, so you should take precautions.
| Description | Examples |
|---|---|
| Disorders usually first diagnosed in infancy, childhood or RANDY TRAVIS adolescence. Don't laugh at my swearing. That's COWA-FUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT offensive. | Tourette's Syndrome, Asperger Syndrome |
| Uh...I forget this part. I should move on. | Amnesia, Alzheimer's disease |
| Shubshtance-related disorders <hiccups> | Alcohol abuse |
| I don't have a mental illness <Boom> | Spontaneous Combustion |
| "I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person. I'm just a bad bad wizard." He said raising the gun to his temple. | Paranoia |
| What's that noise! Don't you make a scene! | Schizophrenia |
| Disorders that <sniffle> make your mood all won-<sniffle>-wonky...Oh, I can't go on... | Depression, Bipolar disorder |
| Changing the subject for a minute, but I was born into the wrong body. I should actually be more handsome. | Gender identity disorder |
| I can feel it coming on, oh shit I can't feel my thighs, who's mic stand is this, what colour is Thursday? It's my head, it's my head, it's my head. | Robert Downey Jnr Syndrome |
| Can't...sleep...ing...disorders... | Bart Simpson Syndrome |
| I can't go to the movies with you <to hot girl> as I really, really have to study <Exits,fast> | The Shakti Shimmy Syndrome |
| Look over there! <shuffling noises> No, you didn't have a shirt on. What, do you think I have an impulse-related disorder! <more shuffling noises> You didn't have pants on, either. | Kleptomania, OCD |
| The last group is personality disorders. I am better than people who have these. | Narcissism |
As you can see, I exhibit none of these.
The Different Puns[edit | edit source]
The Puns originally descended from the Pundigrion tribe of Italy who had interbred with the Punctilious and were in-tern descended from the Puntiglios and their ancestors the Pungere. At the time of the invasion they could be sub-divided into the following ethnic groups:
- Bilingual Puns included warriors Un, Deux, Trois and Quatre whose punts cinq during the invasion. Eins and Zwei however made it to drei land. Unfortunately they were unable to make it far into the country having no Monet to buy Degas to make their Van Gogh.
- Daffynitions were young protein puns who failed to get a propaganda at the Wiki when it became impossible to pass an unavoidable male cow. Using bicycles proved ineffective as they were two-tired making them late and isolated. Those who did not dilate and survived required medical attention from a paradox. Some were able to find work as jugglers, but most didn't have the balls to do it, ending up as unemployed oboes. Nearby trees were relieved when no matter how hard the Daffynitions pushed the envelope, it remained stationery.
- Malapropism Puns could not understand the porpoise of the invasion, considering it to be the very pineapple of politeness. Many incinerating that the whole flaming thing was a pigment of everyone's imagination. Later geriatric tasting proved them to be of a different genius altogether.
- Spoonerism Puns led by William Archibald Spooner were toasted when they glazed their asses on arrival. The Wiki went nucking futs. Later many became mean as custard towards the Spoonerisms when allegations of prostitution became rife, but those abreast of current events knew it was a sale of two titties. All the breast-solicitors went into hiding briefly, but the striped briefs were soon spotted when the ever-hirsute Mary Hinge came on a date with Danny Fishcharge before slyly Spoonering it up with excellent Scott Mills.
- Tom Swifty Puns lost huge numbers during the sea crossing. Even though there was nothing wrong with the ship, many jumped overboard with reckless abandon. Those who landed safely met with a vacuum of approval despite speaking succinctly, with most considering them shellfish giving a crappy reception. "We might as well be dead!" croaked the Tom Swiftys, as they were sent surreptitiously to Benson's house of pancakes.
- Shaggy dog story Puns were banned from taking part in this article as the author is causing enough pain as it is. Oh, did I tell you about the Pun with the shaggy dog that was uncommonly shaggy? Well... Many people remarked upon its considerable shagginess. When he learned that there was a contests for shaggy dogs, he entered his dog. The dog won first prize for shagginess in both the local and the regional competitions. He then entered the dog in ever-larger contests, until finally he entered it in the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all of the competing dogs, they remarked about the Pun's dog: "He's not so shaggy.". He was later hung drawn and quoted.
- Transpositional Puns words spoke louder than their actions. Many developed drinking problems encountering the wrath of grapes when they discovered that their waist was a terrible thing to mind. Obviously, everyone had no idea what they were talking about.
Typical usage[edit | edit source]
- Direct consumption by animals, including humans and kitties.
- Pudding.
- Post Toasties.
- Body toning, at 10# a gallon of milk, is perfect for isometrics.
- Bathing, Milk baths have their periods of popularity.
- Cheese, experts only, are able to transform milk into cheese, consult experts before attempting.
- Kraft Mac n Cheese dinner.
Enticing entrées[edit | edit source]
Meatloaf[edit | edit source]
Meatloaf is made up of 12% meat, 78% loaf, and 10% other. It is generally served either British style (in which it is covered in a thick, brown gravy), American style (in which it is covered in bacon and cheese), or Italian style (in which it is covered in ketchup). Most meatloaf contains a mixture of pork, beef, and chicken, though turkey, badger, squirrel, possum, kitten, and gerbil may also be present. Despite being flavored with E. coli, cafeteria meatloaf has more of a "Mad Cow Disease" taste according to a recent poll among high school students aged 14–18.
Sloppy joes[edit | edit source]
Sloppy joes consist of yesterday's meatloaf after it is thrown into a blender and plopped on a bun. Since nobody eats the meatloaf anyway, sloppy joes provide a second lunch with enough servings for everyone. Any uneaten sloppy joes are formed into a loaf shape and baked, creating meatloaf once again. This cycle can continue for weeks or until the health inspector arrives and closes the cafeteria.
Tuna surprise[edit | edit source]
Food, food, I like food![edit | edit source]
Speaking of muffins, I also learnt in food class how they're made. They take anthrax and bird seeds and mix them with used toilet paper and sewer water, then add dirt vitamins for extra nutrition. They also let them sit around for two years so they get nice and mouldy so they're even better for you to eat. It also makes them really yummy. They say the blueberries are really just wax coloured with anthrax and other bacterias. I think that sounds a lot healthier for you than real blueberries, innit? And tastier too.
Special K cereal is made like that too, just with serial killers instead of sewery thingies, and more content-free because they make it out of Uncyclopedia users. Soylent Green is made out of Uncyclopedia users too, but most of it is tofu. Uncyclopedia is made out of potatoes innit? Or was that Wikipedia? I forget. I think anthrax muffins are delicious. Especially the grey, fuzzy kind made with permablocked Wikipedians. They should serve those at school. They taste better than the brown shiny kind that's made of pee juice.
The Case[edit | edit source]
Immediately, it was clear that the case would not go peacefully when Racoon Tail threw a glass pitcher filled with ice water at Cape. Cape responded by flying at Raccoon Tail's throat and wrapping itself around Racoon Tail, attepting to choke the life out of the appendage. Each side was restrained and drugged.
The judges were brought in, the main judge being a Tyrannosaurus Rex and each side was heard. Raccoon Tail was upset at people constantly mistaking it for a raccoon tail as it is, in fact, a tanooki, a Japanese relative of the raccoon with much larger testicles. It cited several instances where Cape had offended it, referring to it as 'a dirty, smelly raccoon's ass-curtain'.
Cape responded that the tail had made it feel uncomfortable on a nearly daily basis, tickling it in inappropriate places and making lewd sexual innuendos. It produced a list of 143 distinct cases of sexual harassment, turning this case away from a quest for justice to what would become in the minds of the American public a battle between racism and sexism. Cape also said that he found "tail-head" naked in Billy's closet with a little girl listening to country rock music, apparently trying to kill the girl by boring the girl to death. The girl is currently in Nelly's Hospital, being given hip-hop, funk, and rap in order to recover from the traumaticly horrible musical experience. After Cape stated its case, Raccoon Tail said that he was lying like an angry woman.
"He's a doo-doo head," he said.
For days, the battle raged on. Which side would prevail? Tails or capes? Animals or superheroes? The continent Trenton or the city Europe? Mom, baseball or apple pie?
1976[edit | edit source]
- March 11th - Expert kidnappers hide their victims in a well designed maze. None of the victims were found because only the designer could figure his way through the twisty little passages, which were all alike.
Courtroom sequences[edit | edit source]
Periodically the player will receive a virtual court summons. When this happens they can choose to be the prosecutor or defense for an individual accused of audio fileswapping. Currently a fatal error occurs when the "defense" option is chosen, but the RIAA has claimed that they are working to fix the issue.
The courtroom sequences are primarily text-based: the player makes decisions on what to say to the accused fileswapper, and the outcome of the case depends on the eloquence and forcefulness of the player's arguments.
The RIAA has claimed that the courtroom segments are intricately nuanced and that no two sequences will play out the same. In reality, most of the differences between court cases are the result of random variables such as band or artist names and personal insults. Some possibilities include:
- "I find you GUILTY of stealing
Vanilla Ice's intellectual property and financial security, youwretch!" - "You should be ashamed of further compounding
Beyonce's hardships! You are nothing but ascum-sucking anarchist! Clemency DENIED!"
Despite the cosmetic differences between the prosecutor's claims, they invariably result in the defendant's being incarcerated, and sometimes tortured.
Act 9[edit | edit source]
When the other human had left, Jerald was alone with the female human who had brought him in. Jerald knew that a talking [WEASEL] might be too disturbing for the human. He had to say just the right things to get the human to like him, otherwise she, being a timid human, might attack and rip right through his plated armor to get to the juicy fat pouches underneath.
Jerald cleared his gills, and began to speak: "Excuse me?"
"Wha- who's there?"
"It's me, the [AIDS VIRUS] you rescued from the desert this morning!"
The human was flabbergasted. "What? No way! That's not possible! [SHIT-EATING BEETLES] can't talk!"
"I can, though. We [BUCK-TOOTH PYGMY LEMURS] are not as dumb as we look. We have a language just like humans! Why shouldn't we? Anyways, adopt me as your friend, and lets have lots of adventures together."
The human's worldview had suddenly been flipped on its head. But she got over her human-centric viewpoint and accepted Jerald as one of her own, but not a pet, dammit. Jerald and the human soon developed a wonderful relationship. Jerald was even able to get a degree! Jerald eventually visited his parents again, and taught them to learn to trust humans. Finally, the rift between humans and [DEEP SEA PHOSPHOROUS TUBORS] was healed. Jerald had learned to trust, while the humans had learned to forgive.
Conan O'Brien-less Alternate Universe[edit | edit source]
An alternate universe very much like ours, except there's no Conan O'Brien. No Conan O'Brien at all. The very thought sends shivers down my spine.
I'll bet you think you've seen everything[edit | edit source]
You've probably been through the worst, you think. "What could be worse than Goats?" you ask. "Oh, that Lemon party can't be all that bad," you claim. "4chan is just a message board." "It's called Cherry Cake, how bad can it be?" Bad, man. REAL bad. It'll totally screw you up and get you paranoid like me. I'm never clicking another link for the rest of my life. Oh man, I need my soul to be disinfected or something. Oh look, here's a Safe Link. OH MY GOD! You didn't just click on that, did you?
Functions[edit | edit source]
The capabilities of the Remote are startlingly and disturbingly varied. Unlike a conventional remote control, however, for the Universal 3000 to work the subject must be within a five metre range, and a working nuclear power station must be in the vicinity.
Interactive Function[edit | edit source]
Can be used to gain a wealth of information on the selected object/person with a simple press of the red button. Individuals' profiles and personal details such as credit card and pin numbers can all be accessed efficiently after a brief loading period. Then you can put them on 'pause', pop down to the bank, and withdraw all their money before pressing 'play' once more. This is technically theft, but actually possible (or would be if the remote had a play button).
The red button is only available for use at certain times. Users see this when the words 'press red' appear just above the subject's hat. The user can now access a variety of facts and figures. These include sports results, weather, famous birthdays and dark thoughts. Unfortunately on older versions, the red button kills, or euphemistically "turns off" whatever you point at it. For this reason the older version was withdrawn from the market.
Some examples of uses of The Red Button:[edit | edit source]
Note: performing the following actions using a regular remote's red button can have varied consequences, ranging from being laughed at and ridiculed to being smacked round the head by a large fat man.
- On vehicles. Includes security levels, spec and even contents of the glove compartment. Not that useful, you might think. But you are forgetting that de-icer can be a useful weapon in fending off the car's owners should they appear. Also, that squashed Mars Bar and half a can of Cancer could save your life in especially long police chases.
- In Football Hooliganism. Presents you with a wide range of weapons for your next attack, including large bricks, sticks with nails in and bottles of beer. Also gives you very helpful information on positions of police officers using TomTom technology.
- On Food. As well as nutrition information, will tell you if it is likely to come to life and kill you. I bet those people from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes wish they had this then, eh?
It's worth remembering that the red button can be used whenever the red symbol appears. Try walking down your local high street with the remote outstretched. Sometimes even mundane objects such as that old banana peel can be made much more interesting with a bit of background information...
Volume Function[edit | edit source]
Perhaps the most useful of all the remote's functions, this allows the holder of the remote to render individuals mute. Can be put to practical use in everyday conversation and situations where your mother in law's voice is causing a seizure - hitting the mute button will reduce her to a vaguely shifting bundle of mouth movements. On later models, it is possible to replace her voice with a soothing string orchestra or the gentle and deeply therapeutic sighing of humpback whales.
Fast forward Function[edit | edit source]
Simply pointing the remote in the direction of a subject and pushing '>>' makes them go faster. Can be used to speed up old age pensioners travelling painfully and irritatingly below the speed limit. Multiple presses cause them to move faster and faster and eventually shoot out of the atmosphere and into space, trailing fire. It is thought the Universal 3000 could have accounted for as many as 90% of surprise results in horse races and Olympic running events. The massively popular comedian Benny Hill often used this function on groups of women running through fields in their underwear. Later versions allow users to listen to "Yakety Sax" while the function is running.
Skip Search (Frame by Frame)[edit | edit source]
Useful for ruining magic shows.
Widescreen option[edit | edit source]
Helpful to those with low self-esteem, the widescreen function can be utilised to make those annoying friends that eat five Mars bars a day and still remain skinny look much fatter. Fat friends can be made to look like airships, providing mirth for all the family.
Power button[edit | edit source]
The most powerful of all the remote's capabilities, pressing the power button can have untold effects, ranging from spontaneous combustion and SEHS to melting snowmen, television masts mobile phones. Thus, whole systems of communication can be affected immensely by a rogue press of this button.
This also makes the Universal 3000 a perfect household intruder repellant, although I'd hate to be the one cleaning up the mess in your kitchen afterwards.
The only risk is a complete shutdown of local power stations, which will, of course, render your handset useless and might result in a prison sentence.
Creating a negative potato[edit | edit source]
There exist a number of methods for mere mortals to create negative potatoes. A few of these are listed below.
- Take two casseroles, one with two potatoes and one with no potatoes. Remove three potatoes from the first casserole and add them to the second. Since the number of potatoes must be the exact same throughout the process, a negative potato is created to maintain balance.
- Plant a negative potato seed in negative soil, give it plenty of negative water, make sure it gets negative sunlight and doesn't get eaten by any negative insects (but avoid the use of negative pesticides), and wait a few negative weeks. For obvious reasons this is not recommended for pessimists.
- Ask Sarah Palin to fetch the ten potatoes from her closet. (Why she keeps them there is beyond the scope of this article.) She will predictably miscount and withdraw eleven potatoes, creating a negative potato.
Potato equalization[edit | edit source]
As is standard for an object and its complete opposite – of which potatoes and negative potatoes are the only known examples – the combination of a potato with a negative potato will cause the two to cancel each other out and effectively disappear, an event known as potato equalization. Unregulated, rampant potato equalization was cited as the cause of the Great Famine of Ireland in 1845, an event which ravaged the country until the Irish government caught up in 1852 and established regulations governing the use of negative potatoes. Potato equalization is sometimes used in food fights, since potatoes are large and powerful ammunition for an elementary schooler to hurl at a classmate. Countering with a negative potato allows said classmate to avoid the attack.
Uses[edit | edit source]
Because of potato equalization, negative potatoes have found popularity with people working in certain industries. In 1965, massive overproduction of potato salad in communist Russia threatened the nation's economy until the extra potato salad was combined with negative potatoes, resulting in regular salad. Unbeknownst to most Americans but knownst to us, the upper levels of the United States government are putting into motion a plan to cut down on the population of lazy people by giving all so-called "couch potatoes" a negative potato, turning them into couches and reducing the strain on the nation's health care and economy. Sexually curious pre-teens will sometimes sneak a negative potato from the grocer and use it with their Mr. Potato Head toy, giving them a Mr. Head. Giggity.
Producing regular potatoes and the square potato theorem[edit | edit source]
Those who find themselves without any need for the uses described above can simply use negative potatoes, in sufficient quantity, to produce regular potatoes. The traditional method is to bake two potato casseroles, each of which is made with three negative potatoes, and then multiply them together:
<latex>-3 * -3 = 9</latex>
This process is extremely efficient, as it can produce more potatoes than the number of negative potatoes required. However, a casserole dish is consumed in the process. Prospective potato-producers should take caution to not overuse the process and drive casserole dishes into extinction.
Around the beginning of the 20th century, mathematicians devised a method of turning negative potatoes into potatoes without using up casserole dishes, called the square potato theorem. The basic idea is to square a negative potato; that is, multiply it by itself:
<latex>-1^2 = -1 * -1 = 1</latex>
This seems much more efficient as it can produce potatoes without wasting casserole dishes, but this technique is difficult to perfect. Newbie mathematicians often make the mistake of calculating the square root of a negative potato instead of the square. This is problematic, not only because the square root of a negative potato is an imaginary potato (which is, of course, a completely fictional and absurd idea), but because most modern calculators will return an error if "square root of nine negative potatoes" is entered into them.
It wasn't long before the fast food industry picked up on this mathematical tool of wizardry and found other uses for it. For example, it is possible to extract the roots of nine potatoes by calculating their square roots, although this is considered wasteful as the roots are not very tasty. A more popular method is to calculate the square root of an imperfect square number of potatoes:
<latex>\sqrt{8} = ~2.8</latex>
Rather than useless potato roots, this equation gives two whole potatoes, some french fries (the physical manifestation of a fraction of a potato), and a little ketchup, as illustrated on the right. Fast food chains have used the square potato theorem to quickly produce french fries in bulk.
Filters[edit | edit source]
Adobe Potatochop has a wide range filters, the most popular are:
- Skinned
- Blanched
- Crunchy Fries
- Greasy Fries (used by fast food chains nationwide)
- Curly Fries
- Crinkle-Cut Fries
- McDonald's fries
- TV Snacks Instant for Microwave , With Cancer
File Formats[edit | edit source]
- DFD: Deep Fried Document. The original version.
- COD: Cheese and Onion Document. Also available with battered cod.
- FFD: Freedom Fries Document. The most common format in the United States version, compatible with the French Fries plugin.
- CHIP: British version of the FFD format. Includes pea whet.
- PMF: Linux only "Penguin Meat Format." Incompatible with PETA based operating systems.
Software Plugins[edit | edit source]
- Extra Crispy. Known internally as Potatochop 1.1, addressed many malfunctions including lack of a free plastic spork and over-inked newspaper.
- French Fries. Released in US version as Freedom Fries (changed back to French Fries in 2006).
- Deep Fried Mars Attachment. Released in Scotland. Mods also available for deep fried Curly Wurlies and Galaxy Caramel. A Twix fix is expected to be released in the next upgrade.
- BBQ. Billed as the 'Hottest update yet' by Adobe.
- Lite. Low in poly-unsaturated fat version.
- Filters. For removing imperfections in the oil, darkening the fries, etc.
- Chipxar. File format for 3-D potato files.
Competition[edit | edit source]
Over the years, a variety of companies have attempted to compete with Potatochop, with products such as:
- Tater Chop Pro from Corel (originally from Jasc)
- Corel POTATO, also from Corel
- Potato Chipper from Microsoft (a component of Microsoft Kitchen)
- Potatochopper Implements from Adobe themselves
- The SPUD, an open-source GNU potato-manipulation software
- iChop, part of Apple's "iEvenmorecrapwemade" suite.
While some of these products have made inroads into the low-end market, none have made much impact on professional chip production. Adobe Potatochopper still accounts for the majority of the sales at Fry's (a Silicon Valley fast food chain popular among geeks and known for reflecting industry trends), and remains the most pirated by far (because pirates need plenty of starch in their diets).
More recently, a Free Kitchenware project (not free as in beer, or free as in speech, but free as in free for 90 days and then only three low low payments) called GINSu (GINSu Isn't Necessarily Safe-u) has gained popularity among home and professional chipmakers alike. GINSu was created by the UC Berkeley eXperimental Cooking Facility (hence its XCF native fry format) under the direction of master chefs from Japan.
Like Adobe Potatochop, GINSu slices, it dices, it juliennes with ease. It can chop through a tin can, and still cut a tomato like butter. Now how much would you pay? But wait, there's more! GINSu also comes with Chip-Fu, which allows users to write their own macro (very large) programs to produce a batch of custom chips non-interactively (for example, using CGI, the Common Greasepit Interface). It's more than amazing!
However, GINSu is missing some features which many professional chipmakers require, such as support for Pantone crispiness matching and ability to store in Adobe's popular Portable Deepfried Format.
Concrete[edit | edit source]
Yes indeed you too can make your very own concrete!
- 3 cups sand
- 3 cups Portland cement
- 3 cups water
Place in bread machine and turn on. Let it cook, let it set, and pop it out of the pan! (You may find a hammer to be helpful with the "pop it out" part.)
Symptoms[edit | edit source]
Many symptoms have been witnessed in conjunction with PFD. Following is a selection of the most common:
- Monsterism, also often referred to as Zombification. A process whereby an individual takes on the characteristics of a monster such as a Hlok, most notably a deep, low droning voice. The person in question also begins to move much more deliberately, almost as if they were in slow motion.
- Pixellated genital disease. Often the individual with PGD will display this condition as well. Just as grave as PFD, it can be witnessed when the individual takes their pants off on film. Since the early 1990's, this condition has been seen increasingly in streakers.
- Blurred registration plateism. The affected individual will usually contaminate any vehicle which they drive with a similar affliction. This mainly affects the number plate, which takes on a similar pixellated form to the individual's face.
- Pixellated finger disease. An increasingly common mutation, most commonly seen amongst rappers and rock stars. This strand only ever effects the back of the index and first fingers when they are waved in an aggressive manner: known sufferers include 50 Cent and Noel Gallagher and most people at football matches.
- Full Body Pixellation. In some rare cases, individuals will undergo this most extreme pixellation. Sufferers have been known to take up careers as giant Lego men and movie monsters without the need for costumes.
- Blurred Advertisement. It is also known for the disease to spread to people's property, from t-shirts to bottles of water. all advertisements of the item will become blurry and the individual is free from the horrible disease.
Note that all these characteristics are only witnessed when the subject is caught on film. If you see anybody displaying these symptoms in real life, then this means that your eyes have been replaced by cameras, probably by the government. It is advised that you therefore don't partake in any espionage, terrorism or DVD piracy, because you're being watched. Also, could you please look at some boobies? Clive in surveillance gets lonely.
The 00 Numbers[edit | edit source]
In Fleming's original vision, the 00 numbers marked an evolution in the nature of spying, from an earthworm (000) to a human (Sean Connery). In between there is:
- 002 A rocket powered vole.
- 003 A small Labrador puppy that worked mostly in Czechoslovakia.
- 004 A kick boxing kangaroo who did secret missions in Australia and Narnia.
- 005 An otherwise unremarkable Colobus monkey.
- 006 An orangutan, code named "Stumpy," who died when he fell off a bridge outside Minsk. The inspiration for this character is purportedly Sean Bean.
Each 00 number represents a license to do something nasty. In the case of 007, it's a license to kill. For 006 and 005, it's a license to hit something quite hard with a rubber hammer. 004, of course, has a license to kick box. 003 has a license to foul up carpets, while 002 and 001 have a license to nip — which basically means that they can bite someone's ankle. 000 has a license to burrow in earth, which suits him fine but is not very useful for getting rid of supervillains.
Fake Dictionary[edit | edit source]
To cheat at Scrabble, you need to manufacture a fake dictionary, or a fake dictionary website. If you happen to be the owner of Oxford Dictionaries, you could just go to work tomorrow and order your enthusiastic employees to do it for you.
Doing this will take up a lot of your time, but trust me, it will be worth it when you finally win at Scrabble. After all, Scrabble is one of the coolest games out on the market today, and everyone plays it.
Writing your fake dictionary should be easy, you've got to get every combination of letters that you can get in Scrabble, and write a definition for them (make sure they are believable). As there are 26 letters in the alphabet, and the maximum amount of letters you can start with on Scrabble is 7, there a literally millions of different "mumbo jumbo" words you can have. So get writing those definitions.
I recommend printing the book on premium quality paper, if it is just printed out on any random piece of A4 (cut in half) then it is going to look tacky, and will be less believable.
Once this is done[8], just leave it by the side.
This step is vital; make sure you remove any real dictionaries, and your internet connection. If you fail to do this step, they could find you out in a second.
Now phone up your hip friends to come round and have a game. If Once they arrive, just start the game and play as usual, but if you have trouble with not being able to put a word down, just slam down the letters you have, and hope no one notices. However, because you have provided an authentic fake dictionary, you will be able to get away with it.
Nevertheless, in my experience this plan sometimes fails. In most cases, this is because they have an average IQ. When they question you about the ZDYMM you just put down, exclaim the following "Ok, well let's look it up on the internet!"
Fake Web Dictionary[edit | edit source]
Setting this up will be just as easy as writing the book dictionary, you just transfer all of these definitions onto your computer, and run it as an off-line web site. If this is way far out of your reach, a good illogical source is Wikipedia, where there are 100,000+ articles in the main Scrabble languages of Русский, Polski, 日本語, 中文, and Deutsch. In this site, there are many words that when playing Scrabble, you thought you had made up.
Then when the people at your house do not believe that "LJENRWH" is a word, you can type it in and sure enough, "A place to describe a sailor's nasal hair root." will appear, letting you get on with the game, while taking maximum points.
If however, you are part of a wireless system and cannot unplug your internet connection for whatever reason, try using this on-line dictionary. This can even be used as an alternative web dictionary if you want to back up your strange definitions. For example if you have A,A,A,H,N,M,D, by looking at the undictionary you can see that using the 3 A's would make a name of a language.
Text production and editing[edit | edit source]
If you wonder why the quality of the written word in older websites is a lot better than "modern" sites, it's pretty easy to see why. You couldn't just bash out any old drivel and then edit it later: it required thought and planning as it was all hardcopy, produced on so-called 'typewriters' like the one you can see on the right.
This presented a whole range of technical issues, as these 'typewriters' didn't have the extra characters like angle brackets (like these: < and >) which are necessary to make hyperlinks, an abundance of which is the hallmark of any good web page or site. We'll cover how we make them further down, but take a tip from the old craftsmen: the more hyperlinks, the better your page. These were hard to produce back then so we used them sparingly, but these days, why not?
But back to the quality issues. Editing an existing website back then entailed removing the document physically from its location on the net or web (called taking it 'offline' - see below), and replacing it with another where the text was changed. You can, bet we they got there spelling and punctation right! They didn't spout any old tosh or drivel either! Dancing hamsters and vids of your kitten in the sink were non-existent...I mean, this was so long ago that All Your Base still belonged to Them.
So take a tip from the old masters: get you're text write befour pubblishing.
Level 5[edit | edit source]
Right left up right left down left left up up up right down left down right up right right left up down left left right down up up left up right left down left left up right down up up left up right left down left left up up up up right right down up right right left up down right left down up right right left up down right up left up down right up left right down up up left up right left down left left up up up right down left down right down left down right down left right down left down right up right right left up down left left right down right left grab the apple down up right right left up down right up right right left up down down right dow up right right left down down right down up right right left down down right down up right right left left right down up up left up right right down right down up right right left up left up down right up left right down up up left up right left down left left up up up right down left down right down left down right down left down up left down right up left right down up up left up right left down left left up up up right down left down right up right down up right right down right down up right right left kill your cat up down right left down up right right left right down right left down up right right left up down right up right right left up down down right down up right right left up down right left down up right right left up down down right down right left down down up left down right up left right down up up left up right left down.
May, Twenty-eleven
I have taken refuge in here to escape the prodding and pulling of some strange old woman who has imposed herself on this house for the majority of the day. The poor deluded old lady thinks that prodding and pulling my cheeks qualifies as entertainment. Now I finally realize why those wrinkly old people are confined to depressing homes, only allowed out around Christmas and Birthdays to wreak the havoc they consider "cute" before returning to their age induced stupor.
But as long as she brings more toys, and keeps off the road, I can tolerate her strange perversions.
Oh no! She tracked me do-
Step 4: Push buttons[edit | edit source]
This realisation puts you into a real sense of panic-ridden hysteria, which takes you ten minutes to get over. By the time you achieve this, you realise you have already passed the penultimate station. You, however, fail to realise that the last but one station, is, possibly, very close to the last station (that you are going to), so you decide to sit down and relax for five minutes, while finding a nice magazine to take your mind off of the impending crisis.
After five minutes of relaxation, a sudden jolt awakens you. After a while of being blinded by lights and alarms, you somehow realise that one of the train's metal wheels has, frankly, blown the hell up. Looking back at the map, you finally find out that you are approaching your destination, and freak out as you find you have no dam idea what you are supposed to be doing. You go over to the console, and start to plan your next move. Should you press the big red button, in the hope it will slow you down somewhat? Should you move that one lever up in case it stops the train, or will it rocket you up to five million miles per hour? Should you do nothing, and hope for a miracle to occur? Or will doing nothing prove you were that spineless coward that your friends always told you you were?
This isn't right! You'd always thought driving a train was as easy as pie: that the train would just move forward and stop by itself - like a primitive robot, one might say. For this heinous crime, I, this very article, am ASHAMED of you. You should scold yourself for being so idiotically stupid as to think that driving a megaton behemoth would be that easy! Oh well: you somehow eventually regain some sense of what's going on without my shouting at you.
You spend five seconds pondering all this information, completely ignoring the fact that your brain can't process more than one factoid a minute. Then, with the practiced intensity of the madman you are, you start hammering every single button in sight. You continue in this vein for almost a full minute before realizing that nothing is happening. Further inspection reveals that the driver turned off the console before he died. You feel stupid for a second, then, in a rare good move, you turn it on, literally milliseconds before you realize that your goddamn stop is fast approaching.
"Poker Face" by Lady Gaga[edit | edit source]
I intend to arouse a man sexually.
I will not reveal to this man whether I am similarly aroused.
It is difficult to play Russian Roulette without a weapon.
I have developed a stutter.
I ate the ass of a geeky high school loser and I liked it
Novembering 14thish... Year being A.D. 2101. 11:50 A.M.[edit | edit source]
Someone set us up the bomb! We were sit in the Main Screen room because we were play musical chairs and it was fun. My chair was really swivel-y. Then, flashy light happened! We got signal! I said "What!?"... Somebody set us up the bomb was what. Then, main screen turned on. But the playing ladies weren't there. It was CATS! Yes. He was an asshole! He was to be tell us that we were gentlemen and "how are you"... And then he telled us that all our base were belong to him! I knowed that green-skinned asshole like him would be up to something! But nobody said what happen to Adam Sandler. Anyway, he was be very mean and not nice to us and then sayed that we were on the way to destruction and to make our time. He was not polite or anything of the sort. And then he went HA HA HA HA and disappear-vanished, like a ghost! But not like a friendly ghost like Casper. Like a scary ghost. I was scared and he was so mean. So then I decide to be brave for mine Cat back home and be super good Captain. It is so irony that we were betrayed by man with plural name that is same as the species of my Cat. No one would guess such a plot twist. Would make good movie. Anyway, being a brave captain. I telled everybody take off every Zig, for great justice. So we went into fighter jet and flewed away to move Zigs with big kaboom. It was scary. And that's what I'm do, now. I'll talk to you later, bye!
November 14thish of Year A.D. 2101. Tick tock time: 3:05 P.M.[edit | edit source]
I'm really scareded, Mr. Diary. The Zigs make explosions at us and we don't make them explosions back. Right now, one is shoot a missile at me and it's coming closer.... And Closer.... And Closer. It's a pretty missle... It's almost here.... Okay, now it's------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
END OF FINAL TRANSMISSION[edit | edit source]
Verdict[edit | edit source]
Considering the lack of precision in our current scientific equipment and the difficulty of interviewing the fox, at first glance, it looks like this question will be unanswered for the years to come. However, I, myself, have spent decades solving this philosophical conundrum, running back and forth between the National British Museum and the Medici library in Florence. Having read over 3,000 scientific manuscripts and lost my job and three girlfriends, I am positive that I have at last found the answer to this riddle. Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! is what it says! Ring-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-dingdingeringeding! Or on very special occasions, ding-ring-ding-ding-ring-deringedingering. Or on very very special occasions, even...
We are sorry to interrupt this special broadcast, but what the fox says is a rather touchy subject with multiple viewpoints, deeply intermixed with people's personal values. It seems better to leave this question open for now.
YOU = MAGGOT[edit | edit source]
LOOK AT YOU! LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR $3 HAIRCUT AND THAT FREAK SHOW EXCUSE FOR A FACE! YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE CUT OFF THE CANCER-INFECTED VAGINA LIPS OF A FEMALE ELEPHANT AND STUCK THEM PERMANENTLY TO YOUR SKULL! YOU MAKE ME SICK! GET DOWN ON THIS KEYBOARD RIGHT NOW AND TYPE “I AM A DIARRHEA SLURPING REDNECK BUM HUMPER” 500 TIMES, RIGHT NOW! I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE SHIT IF YOU'RE A NEWBIE, YOU WILL DO IT! DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND??????!!!!!!!!!!
I am a diarrhea slurping redneck bum humper. i am a diarrhea sulrping redneck bum humper. I am a diarrhea slurping redncek bum humpr. I am a diarrhea slurping redneck bum humper. i am a diarrhea sulrping redneck bum humper. I am a diarrhea slurping redncek bum humpr. I am a diarrhea slurping redneck bum humper. i am a diarrhea sulrping redneck bum humper. I am a diarrhea slurping redncek bum humpr. You are a diarrhea sulrping rdenkce mbu hmuepr.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE MAGGOT! YOU THINK I CAN’T TELL WHEN SOMEONE’S USING COPY AND PASTE? WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR MAGGOT? I’D TAKE YOU OUT BACK TO THE LATRINE AND DROP A SIXTEEN CHILI BURRITO DUMP IN THAT TOOTHLESS SLACKJAW MAW OF YOURS IF I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D ENJOY IT, YOU FILTHY LITTLE SCATOLOGICAL SON OF A DRUNKEN PLUMBER! OH WOW! YOU WRITE LIKE A FUCKING TODDLER AS IF IT WAS ON FUCKING COCAINE! DO I, THE FUCKING DRILL SERGEANT, LOOK LIKE A FUCKING JOKE?!
Scene 11: INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON[edit | edit source]
From the Falcon's view screen, we see Vader's fighter head towards the Death Star. Luke and Kenobi are pondering the events of the past few minutes, when suddenly a Force ghost appears. It is the GHOST OF KENOBI.
- LUKE: Who are you?
- GHOST OF KENOBI: I am the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi.
- KENOBI: No way. He's not dead. Not yet. He's me!
- GHOST OF KENOBI: Of course you are. I have come from the future, to warn you about what has happened.
- LUKE: Oh no ... is time travel involved in all of what has happened?
- GHOST OF KENOBI: I'm afraid so.
- LUKE: This is going to make things so confusing!
- KENOBI: We must act fast if that is the case. What has happened?
- GHOST OF KENOBI: In three years or so, Luke, you will duel with Darth Vader. He is your father.
- LUKE: NO! IT CAN'T BE—
- KENOBI: Not now, Luke.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: In the process, your right hand will be cut off.
- LUKE: THAT'S IMPOSSI—
- GHOST OF KENOBI: That lightsaber you are holding is your father's Jedi lightsaber. Therefore it is Vader's old lightsaber.
Luke begins to look very worried.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: You will lose it with your right hand.
- LUKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- KENOBI: And this is what has caused Vader to journey back in time and exact revenge?
- GHOST OF KENOBI: Upon the whole galaxy. Of course, he's taken control of the Death Star in this time-line, so Tatooine has been destroyed. If you do not stop Vader, other star systems may meet the same fate.
- SOLO: This is ridiculous.
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): We're being pulled in by that moon!
- SOLO: What's the droid saying?
- C-3PO: He claims we are being pulled in by that space station.
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): No, it's a moon!
- C-3PO: That's no moon, it's a space station, you muddled glob of grease!
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): All right, relax!
- GHOST OF KENOBI: I guess it's that obvious now.
- KENOBI: Indeed it is.
Ordering[edit | edit source]
You may order any item from McDonald's in full confidence that it will satisfy the EU definition of food. However, ordering from the breakfast menu after 11 o’clock will cause unnecessary panic which may lead to the police being called. Please be aware that it is illegal for staff to serve Egg McMuffins after this time unless you can produce a prescription from your doctor.
It is important to realise that you are constantly under surveillance in the run-up to your asylum hearing and that your actions will be carefully scrutinised before you can be considered for a British passport. What you order says much about how well you are integrating into British society.
Beefburger - says "I have no ambition and do not deserve to remain in your green and pleasant land. Please call immigration and direct me to the nearest airport."
Cheeseburger - says "4 oz of compacted cartilage does not contain enough fat for me. Please add more so that I may better fit in with my fine adopted countrymen."
Big Mac - says "I am a mighty Briton, a worthy heir to King Arthur, Admiral Nelson, Churchill and Beckham. Go on, harden my arteries. See if I care."
Fillet-o-fish - says "I am a funny foreigner. Please speak to me LOUDLY AND SLOWLY."
Chicken McNuggets - says "I am taking these outside to entice your small children into my car."
Salad - says " I am finding your country confusing and appear to be in the wrong place."
Having placed your order you will be asked: “Do you want to go large?”
This is an invitation to take part the nation’s fastest growing hobby – obesity. Pay the extra 75p and attempt to consume the additional 3865 calories – this is a sign of acceptance and is an opportunity not to be missed.
Note:
Even if the staff have already garnished your burger-box with ketchup you are not required to eat it. UK Government advice is that some of the inks are significantly more poisonous than the burger(s) within.
On The Water[edit | edit source]
Ahhh... so nice to be out on the water... Now watch me, boy. Location is everything. If you pick the wrong spot, the fish won't bite. It's as simple as that. I know what you're thinking, and it's totally true: fish are fickle folk. However, if you're with an experienced fisherman like me, finding the right place to start is a cinch. I'll let you in on a little secret, boy, but only 'cause I think you've got a bit of a fisherman inside of you. Here it is: "You must be isolated, but together."
Grandpa, that doesn't make sense.
It only doesn't make sense when you think about it. Don't worry. You're still a novice in the ways of true fishermanshipness. Understanding will come with time. And beer. Beer helps.
Beer?
Of course beer! Beer is one of the key tools every fisherman needs on his person when he goes and stakes his claim to manhood, or in other words, fishes. Without beer, catching fish would be simply unbearable! Lucky for us, I brought two coolers full. We are stocked, boy!
Uh, grandpa, I can't drink yet.
Whaddaya mean you can't drink? Twelve is the perfect age to begin imbibin'! Why, I started at twelve, and look how I turned out!
... Uh, no thanks, grandpa.
Are you serious?! That pop of yours is turning you into an altar boy!
I am!
What?
I am an altar boy! I help out Father Kelly every Sunday Mass.
But... we can't be Catholic! We're not Irish!
My pop is.
Dagnabit! I promise you this, boy, by the time we come back, you are going to be a real man, not some lily-white handed pious altar boy!
But I like being an altar boy.
Who says this is about you? This is about fish, boy! Fishing, and manliness! Hold on a minute, now! We're in the perfect spot! Look around you, boy. See how the location secret works? We're away from the other boats, right?
Yeah...
And yet close enough to them! Close enough to see if they catch anything, so's we can zoom over to their spot and catch fish too!
But won't the boat just scare the fish away?
Pfah! Details, boy, never stood a chance against ego. You just watch an' learn. All right! We're ready to start baiting the hooks. Do you have your rod?
Yeah, gramps.
Okay. Now take one of these worms.
Eww...
They may look gross to you, boy, but the fish just love 'em! Gobble them up quick as a wink, they will. That's why you've got to make sure the worm is all the way on the hook.
*gasp* You want me to stab this poor worm?!
Well, it's not like it has feelings, boy. Just take both ends and impale the little annelid, like I did with mine.
But it didn't do anything wrong! It probably has a family! I won't kill it!
Worms don't have families, boy! They were created for this very purpose! Fishing! Because fishing is that important! Now make the sacrifice, and hook your worm!
Forgive me.
Worm: AAAAAAA!
Good! Didn't that feel great?
I feel so... dirty...
Pish tosh! You'll soon be a natural, boy! Now comes the fun part: casting your line. Okay, lessee, hmm... Alright, boy, you got your rod ready?
Yeah.
Mmkay. Now let about two feet of line out to start with. Hold the rod loosely, yet firmly, like in a power grip, but a restrained power grip. Mastering this grip is the second most important part of casting, boy. Casting itself is the second hardest skill to master in fishing. It takes practice, and skill, and patience, and luck. Lots of luck. Beer too. Lots of beer. Which is why - *gulp* - I just took a swig. Now, nobody's perfect, boy, you know this. So I get a little tipsy 'afore I go casting. Enhances my skill, a bit, if you know what I mean. Whoo! That's good stuff. See, boy? Now I'm ready to cast. Now watch me. To get the right cast, you've got to flail about as wildly as possible. Just go nuts for about twenty seconds, like your cousin Billy. Then, when you're about to collapse, pick a direction and throw the rod as far as you can! If you get that right, boy, it's an instant catch, guaranteed. But that almost never happens. There are so many ways that casting the line can go wrong, boy. Once, a long time ago, I was fishin' with my uncle Jeb, and I accidentally knocked him in! He wasn't too happy about it, but I drove the boat away before he could catch me. I don't remember if he made it back to shore or not. Anyway, that's not the only way casting can go wrong. If you're not careful, you can accidentally throw yourself in, or worse yet, lose your rod! So that's why you've got to be careful. Now, watch me. Here goes nuthin'!
*Frenzied dancing for about two solid minutes, some of which an altar boy probably shouldn't be seeing*
Hiiiiiiiiiiiii....YAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!! ... Aw, shoot'n'durngummit, I caught the line in the rigger. Dadblastit. How'd you do, boy?
I dunno, gramps. Did I do good?
Well, lessee. Whee-oo! That's a darn near perfect cast! How'd you do that, boy? You do some of the dance moves they're doin' in school these days?
No. I just flicked my wrist and the line zoomed out over the water. No dancing.
Well, blow me down. A perfect cast with no dancin'... Boy, I think you may have the gift.
What's the gift?
The fishing gift! I can see you were meant to become a fishing master. I was right to take you here. I feel an overwhelming sense of... destiny.
Whatever. So when do the fish bite?
Classic lateral thinking puzzles[edit | edit source]
There are a great many lateral thinking puzzles available. Compendiums of puzzles can be bought in bookshops or stolen from farmers; alternatively, you might like to try and make up your own! Here are a few simple lateral thinking puzzles to get you started:
The Classic Puzzle On Wikipedia
- Q. A man walks into a bar asking for a glass of water. The bartender immediately takes out his gun, points at him and cocks it. The man says "Thank you" and walks out of the bar. Why?
- A. His pants were on fire and he needed water to put it out. However, when the bartender cocked his gun at him, he got so afraid he wet his pants and put out the fire himself, so he was grateful. (Roll over for answer)
The Bar Enigma
- Q. Tom is found dead in the living room, with a bar across his back. How did he die?
- A. An enormous bar fell on him. (Roll over for answer)
The Riddle Of The Adults And The Children
- Q. Adults are holding children, waiting their turn. The children are handed to a man, who holds them while a woman shoots them. Their parents are pleased. Why?
- Clue: It is X-Mas time
- A. Because the cost of raising children has increased beyond the average increase in wages in the Western world, and as such children are a financial burden that can be done away with. Of course, at Christmas, the cost of toys is an additional burden. (Roll over for answer)
The Albatross Soup Puzzle
- Q. A man walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of albatross soup. He takes one bite, then runs out of the restaurant and hurls himself off a nearby cliff, killing himself. Why?
- A. A force named gravity accelerates all bodies within the Earth's atmosphere towards the planet's centre of mass. The acceleration during the time the man was falling brought him to a high speed. When he hit the ground at the bottom of the cliff, the sudden deceleration ruptured several vital internal organs, causing him to bleed to death. (Roll over for answer)
The Cocky Maid
- Q. A maid was heating water to be added to a bath. Suddenly, the butler walked in and said: "Don't you know that the longer you heat that water for, the colder the bath will be?" Why did he say that?
- A. Butlers in Victorian households generally hold the highest rank that downstairs staff can hold, and they wield this in cruel and sadistic ways to torture their peers. (Roll over for answer)
Milo's Grandson
- Q. Tom is visiting his friend, Milo, when he notices a strange portrait on Milo's wall. Tom asks Milo who it is. Milo replies: "That is clearly my grandson." But Milo is twelve. What is going on?
- A. Milo is clearly insane. (Roll over for answer)
Eggs in a basket
- Q. There were six people, and six eggs in a basket. Everyone took one, but yet there was still one left over. How can this be?
- A. One/Two of them was/were Siamese twins with only two arms and he/she/it/they could only take one egg. (Roll over for answer)
The Miraculous Baby
- Q. A baby falls out of a twenty-story building and survives. How?
- A. Because the parent of the baby hung the baby over the edge of a balcony so it could see the view, and in the process somehow lost hold of the child. However there was enough cushioning material that the child could live, but was paralyzed from the neck down with significant brain damage.(Roll over for answer)
The Unexpected Firing
- Q. A man was fired at work on his first day for doing his job. Why?
- A. He was working as a practice target at a shooting range. (If you haven't worked out what to do yet for an answer, you may be thinking too laterally.)
Antony and Cleopatra
- Q. Antony and Cleopatra are found dead in a room. Around them are bits of broken glass and puddles of water. How did they die?
- A. Antony stabbed himself as he thought that Cleopatra had committed suicide, and when it was found that she hadn't he had his supporters carry him to Cleopatra and he died in her arms, and then Cleopatra was bitten on the asp. The broken glass and the water was simply because Cleopatra was a terrible housekeeper. Either way, they were alive in 44AD. Did you really expect them to be alive today? For a more complete story, check out The Complete Work of William Shakespeare Jnr. (If you still haven't worked out what to do for the answer, you may have more of an issue than thinking too laterally.)[9]
Step Free: Making sure de milk don't have goggos.[edit | edit source]
Now dat you haf de milk safely in de house, you is going to take a lappie[10] and get a new bucket. Put de lappie over de empty bucket and sommer take your ouma's[11] pegs of de washing line and knyp[12] de lappie onto de edges of de bucket. De reason why we is doing dis is to get dose goggos[13] out of de milk udderwise you is gonna get sick from de kaka dat dey are poofing into de– Oh gats![14] I am sorry to cut dis short but I must leaf. Fanks for having me and remember: kos, knyp and knaters...[15]
Good day. Sorry I am late. I am here to do my Uncyclopedia article on how to milk cows using the new Dairymaster 3000 automatic milking machine.
Who was that barefoot man with a bucket, cloth and eighteenth century dungarees I just saw leaving? What a pauper! Let me get started right away, then; I have kept you waiting long enough.
My name is Gordon Martin Devonshire and I will be showing you how to milk a cow, or ten, or 20 for that matter, who's counting anyway? Righto! We will be using this new and improved automatic milking machine which is only four hundred thousand pounds! Order today and we will throw in a free massage nozzle that excretes a fresh and minty flavoured petroleum jelly, soothing the cows' aching teats and allowing her to produce more milk.
Pretty much all you have to do is put each end onto the cows' four teats, sit back, and watch the cows pretty much milk themselves. It's as easy as that! To order, call 0860-MILK-ME. That's 0860-MILK-ME.
The revert[edit | edit source]
All right, rather than continuing to be suppressed by self-important, 40 year old virgins, who still live with their mothers, you have chosen to actually fight the fuckers. Well done!
Check what the edit was[edit | edit source]
As I'm sure you'd be aware most admins are vandals. So as a result we have to make sure the edit you are reverting is not vandalism. If you revert it and they catch you, you will be banned for helping the site's quality. This is not what you want. Check the diff and make 100% sure that the thing you are reverting is positive to the article's quality. This way you're being an arse to them in two different ways; it's a win win for you.
But know when to draw the line, know that in some cases reverting it may break the site entirely; this is not only bad for everyone but it will affect you. And will most likely result in your IP being banhammered as well. Thus not leaving anything to chance.
Make sure no-one's looking[edit | edit source]
This is not rocket science! Certain individuals are real suck ups to the admins, as they aspire to be one themselves one day. If they spot you doing this while interrupting their precious masturbation time, they will revert it right back and most likely notify an admin so they can ban you. So it's simple, wait for an ideal time window where no-one is awake to make your edit. That way it gets swept off Recent Changes along with the rest of the vandalism.
REVERT AWAY![edit | edit source]
Well what the fuck are you waiting for? No-one is watching, revert the fucker before someone does notice. For proper effect, make a lot of minor edits to sweep the revert off of recent changes which will decrease your chances of being caught. But if you want to get caught, feel free to revert everything you see until you get banned for life.
Reverting under multiple accounts is strongly discouraged here, as it is likely they will block your IP for abusing multiple accounts. If you insist on doing this though I will not be held responsible for the outcome, in fact I will not be held responsible for the outcome of trying any of this in any way, shape or form.
If you have noticed some loser has reverted you back, then don't go back to the page and undo it again, that wastes precious nanoseconds. Just move onto your next article. Remember, you're only here to teach the fuckers a lesson.
Run like fuck[edit | edit source]
That's my only advice.
You can take a break[edit | edit source]
Now I would have begged you to accept my genuine apologies for intending to announce something that might be unpleasant to your ears, but as it is just a direct logical consequence of the determinants you are already aware of, there will be no circumlocution and I'll stick right to the point: first, you don't look well, second, your smartphone is broken and, third, no matter how you put it, it is beyond any possible aid from myself or any other smartphone expert.
Look, what do you expect from me, when you, yourself, aren't even able to talk properly?
What “m-m-mon-n-ney”? I cannot grasp what you are trying to communicate with me. Are you referring to the song "Mony Mony" by Billy Idol? It's a good song but I certainly cannot see how Mr. Idol could possibly help you now.
And, if you want to know, for future use, the fatal mistake that you have committed was to try to fix an electronic device with your bare hands! Pure madness!
Perhaps, as a final comfort, I can offer you my friend's laptop – if you wish, that is. Due to some misfortune in the Serengeti, he will not be needing it anymore. Available at a discount, of course. Three hundred dollars, please! You'll pass again? My, I am nearly through politeness with you. You are nearly as much of a buzzkill as I am a mechanical expert on smartphone repair methods.
Well, I hope you excuse me, I have an important company meeting to attend to. We're debating on pros and cons of repairing smartphones with no help manuals.
Just joking! Good bye!
Linguistic Section[edit | edit source]
1. Describe in detail. Be objective, vague and specific.
2. Which of the below is the odd one out:
- Camembert
- Red Leicester
- Cheddar
- Brie
3. Spell ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM, without looking at how it has been spelt on this paper.
4. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is a technical term for a lung disease. Explain the origin of its naming, with references to Greek architecture.
5. Find the exact point at which you would die of boredom, from taking this test, use evidence from Catcher In The Rye to help explain your answer.
6. Kill yourself and still hand in the test 2 hours later.
7. Try to find a correct antonym for "antonym".
8. Try to find a correct Anagram for Anagram.
9. Create an invasion force using a pen, an apple and a car, then implement this in a strike on Eastern Germany.
10. Describe the word: indescribable, without using the word describe or any negatives.
|
Self Decapitation With a Chainsaw (file info) |
| Uncyclopedia has an audio version of this suicide attempt. |
Cutting your own head off with a chainsaw can be quite dangerous, unless certain precautions are taken. I shall first demonstrate the unsafe method, then show you how to do it safely.
The Unsafe Method[edit | edit source]
Start the chainsaw, then apply it to your neck, like thi
You are an Anglican.
Let's face it. You don't really believe in me, do you?
You don't believe in Hell either.
Guess who'll be having the last laugh.... -11 years, 0 months, 1 day and 19 hours from now.
The End[edit | edit source]
After the police arrived and I was rescued, I went home to go to bed. "Huh," I thought to myself, "Today sure was tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious." "Yeah," I thought again, "It sure was." "Truly," I thought, "Truly tedious."
Kitten huffing, Benson, those reversing Russians,
Jesus Christ, it's a lion, get in the fucking car!
AAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAA, AAAAA AAAAAAA AA AAAAAAAAA,
AAAAAA, AAAAAA, AAAA AAAAAAAAAA
Oprah, Kanye, Steve Ballmer, Jesus, Norris, Hitler,
Sophia and Oscar Wilde, random drama ravings.
Cuntymints, ICU, Cabbage template, Spang FU,
No one cares, Stalinbear, all of course with savings!
We didn't start the fire
Your dog was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
We were not the first
But we're still the worst
Supersecret admin page, Reffering friends to do the same,
A wizard did it, to Your Mom while watched by all the Jesii.
Counting to a million, wanting to be an admin,
Recto-lube, RC's a n00b, and who the hell is That Guy?
Yak rape on vacation, while doing my Solid Snake thing,
Pen Island, penis spam, and this page is a racist.
Several Zorks, Aspie wars, 9/11 done by Jaws,
Parakeets, Euripides, and this page doesn't exist
We didn't start the fire
Your dog was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
We were not the first
But we're still the worst
Dan Kwon, FSM, Captain Obvious strikes again,
Mike Tyson, Butt Poop, the greatest word of all is Boop
Everything is poopy, I maed a yuky doody
Cajek bans, UnSignpost, Wikia is an evil host
Spambox, vandal socks, DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS
Mr Winkler gay gay gay, what else do I have to say?
We didn't start the fire
Your dog was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
We were not the first
But we're still the worst
We didn't start the fire
But when we are gone
Your dog will still burn on, and on, and on, and on...
[edit | edit source]
Most of the comics created by Davis during his mental breakdown were destroyed. However, a few were saved and can be viewed below.
Relax, Don't Panic[edit | edit source]
This is important. Confidence is key, so don't be a dork, and make a big deal about it, start giggling hysterically or something like that, just gracefully finish your stride and continue as if nothing happened. That's it... there is nothing to be embarrassed about, you meant to do it. If someone asks you about it, casually shrug it off and say something about how underwear is too constricting. Remember, showing your vagina in public is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, many celebrities have built their entire careers on the publicity generated by a single well-executed and allegedly-accidental genitalia flash.
Remember, it's all in the delivery. If you are too eager to show your vagina, you might be compared to the likes of Jenny McCarthy or Tara Reid, and that is never a good thing. You have to momentarily pretend to have forgotten that you're an A-list celebrity with an endless following of camera-bearing fans and paparazzi (If you can't do this on your own, try taking 2-3 Vicodins with a shot of vodka) and act completely natural. Once you're nice and oblivious you should be more than ready to—'Oops!'—flash your goods to the crowd of waiting observers without breaking a sweat. Not obvious at all!
 There, are you watching? Are you ready? Witness the master at work.
|
 Oh I see… Like this?
|
 Yes, mm hmm, I just can't stand the way underwear chafes my bikini line…
|
Ease Into the Habit[edit | edit source]
Congratulations. You've shown your vagina in public, and have managed to maintain your a-list status, your almost-sterling reputation, and most of your major corporate sponsorships. Now what? Well, if you're really daring, you can continue to show your vagina whenever you please. For instance, if you have to take a break from the night club scene for school, work, rehab, whatever, you can feel free to flash it while doing day-to-day activities like running errands or taking the dog for a walk, etc.
 Lindsay Lohan is another master of the vagina flash.
|
 Like Lindsay, you can flash your vagina while shopping…
|
 Or while heading to the saloon…
|
 When performing on stage…
|
 While lounging by the pool…
|
 Or when stepping off a boat…
|
 Even fully clothed!
|
 Yeah, it's a good thing shorts are in fashion this season!
|
Use of traffic signs in today's urban environment[edit | edit source]
Naturally, with the advent of the automobile, traffic signs started playing an increasingly important part in traffic. Nowadays roadsides are filled with signs informing the drivers of minimum speed limits, areas to drive over children, and so forth.
Present trends[edit | edit source]
With the explosion of drug and arms trafficking, modern slave trade and other types of illegal immigration, the need for new sets of traffic signs is pressing. Since there are numerous unwritten laws in the criminal world, clearly those laws should be made understandable to beginners by signs. The following is a series of traffic signs aimed at these problem areas - they are expected to be ratified by the end of 2010.
Production[edit | edit source]
Snakes on a Plane had a troubled pre-production period. As admitted by the producers and screenwriters, the idea for the name, plot, and pitch for movie came to them while drunk at a party watching the opening sequence from Raiders of the Lost Ark. They pitched the movie concept to the studio, and it was greenlit on the basis of the name alone.
But the writing team was in trouble now, for how could they possibly make a film along the lines of Snakes on a Plane, while keeping it believable, realistic, suspenseful, highly philosophical, and artistic? Here are some of the rejected ideas they had:
- Planes on a Snake
This concept took place in the distant future, where runways had long been considered obsolete, and had been replaced with giant snakes. Giant snakes were seen as being much more effective then traditional runways because a giant snake had the capacity to shift itself to position of the incoming plane. This movie was made to be a mockumentary, satirizing the ineptness of the American air traffic system. However, this script idea was rejected because it was seen as being too exciting, and because the writers didn't want their plane tickets to be rejected out of hate.
- Planes on a Plane
Though considered an intriguing concept at first, PoaP was ultimately trashed due to its lack of motherfucking snakes.
- Snakes on a Snake
Though considered an intriguing concept at first, SoaS was ultimately trashed due to its lack of motherfucking planes.
- Others
Earlier ideas were even more stupid, before the decision to include snakes and planes.
Snake's on a Plane
Snape's on a Plane
Piranhas on an Escalator
Sharks on a Roller Coaster
Badgers on a Tram
Goats on a Gondola
Bears on a Submarine
Camels on a Submarine
Llamas on a Station Wagon
Last morning my mom was angry because I was smoking
and I was like...
"What are you looking at, BITCH?"
- I think I said something strange because she fainted...
and then I was like...
but my sister thought It was my fault and she started strangling me like...
so I tried to burn the raccoons...
But somehow I managed to burn down the whole house...
so I prayed to that Jew to save my family by creating a giant wave that could put out the fire
but he was a bit excess...
Ooops. There goes daddy's car.
So the whole town was immersed and I tried to make my homework on a dead fisherman's boat I found floating, because my family and my house were gone...
but suddenly some dolphins came by and stole my homework
and the dolphins traveled away with my homework
| User:Ryan Woo-Ming/sandbox | Score: 0 | Moves: 0 |
|
C:\> Run "User:Ryan Woo-Ming/sandbox"_ You are in a nondescript room of nondescript size. Exits are to the north, south, and west. Oh, and there's a Grue over there in the corner.
It appears that the last blow was too much for you. I'm afraid that you are dead. As you take your last breath, you feel relieved of your burdens. The feeling passes as you find yourself before the gates of Hell, where the spirits jeer at you and deny you entry. Your senses are disturbed. The objects in the dungeon appear indistinct, bleached of color, even unreal.
| ||
| User:Ryan Woo-Ming/sandbox 2 | Score: 0 | Moves: 0 |
|
C:\> Run "User:Ryan Woo-Ming/sandbox 2"_ You are in a nondescript room of nondescript size. Exits are to the north, south, and west. Oh, and there's a Grue over there in the corner.
| ||
| User:Ryan Woo-Ming/sandbox 3 | Score: 0 | Moves: 0 |
|
C:\> Run "User:Ryan Woo-Ming/sandbox 3"_ You are in a nondescript room of nondescript size. Exits are to the north, south, and west. Oh, and there's a Grue over there in the corner.
| ||
|
Python can not quit. Topic: PLEASE BEHAVE LIKE AN ABSOLUTE BITCH | tell everyone to rtfm, even if problem is not in manual. | lol, i'm an op | I can change the topic | <dipshit> rtfm | <ReallyMadUser> Hi, I recently installed Uncyclux and would like to boot in GUI mode, I mean, it did from the live CD. <moron> like, lol, rtfm <ReallyMadUser> I did. <moron> like....um.....stfu <ReallyMadUser> I DID read the manual. Can any of you actually help? <op> OMFG YOU ARE SO DISRESPECTFUL THAT IS OUR BEST USER <ReallyMadUser> Excuse me...I just need X to work. <op> STFU |
Late Thursday night. You've had a hard day and the last thing you need is this: shopping. Luckily, the place is pretty empty and you're progressing rapidly.
On to the next aisle.
The aisle stretches to the north, and back to the south. The shelves on either side of you block your view of the rest of the supermarket, with only the brightly colored aisle markers visible.
You have stopped your trolley next to the pasta section, bright plastic bags full of pale skin-tone shapes.
There is a brunette woman a few meters ahead, filling her trolley with sauces.
A shiny metal phone booth sits in the center of the aisle.
Your move:
- Pick up phone booth
- Pick up aisle
- Pick up phone booth and aisle
- In Soviet Russia, phone booth and aisle pick up you!!
- Use the phone booth
- Examine phone booth
- Examine aisle
- Examine me
- Examine woman
- talk to woman
- talk to me
- talk to phone booth
- sing
- inventory
- go to the magazine aisle
- look north
- look south
- look east
- look west
- look left
- look right
- look up
- look down
- look out
- look away
- go north
- go south
- go east
- go west
- go left
- go right
- go forward
- go backward
- jump
- jump back
- fly up
- tunnel down
- travel to past
- travel to present
- travel to future
- undo
- redo
- wait
- fall asleep
- wake up
- eat food
- eat the phone booth
- push booth
- fill booth
- draw booth
- dig around booth
- dig booth
- your mom
- pinch me
- cast Frotz
- cast Meteo
- cast Ultima
- cast Tom
- cast Magyck Myssile
- get the hell outta here
- enter shadow
- explode with the energy of a thousand suns
- win game
- let the dogs out
- get eaten by Domo-kun
- attempt to pronounce "xyzzy"
- say it again
- plugh
- go north, north, south, south, west, east, west, east, B, A, start
- remove cockroaches from mouth
- rm -rf *
- close this window
- vandalize the page
- Grawp vandalize
- recurse
- dial "666-666-6666" on the phone booth
- see my vest
- decline Latin verbs
- swear very loudly
- push buttons, push buttons like you just don't care
- Oscar Wilde on Pick Up the Phone Booth and Aisle
- become a professional screenwriter
- How do I stop the Grue from eating me?
- AAAAAAAAA!
- Leave aisle
- Buy pasta
- open PUTPBAA version 2.0
- do something
- play RuneScape
- breakdance
- look at pants
- look in pants
- Do absolutely nothing
- change clothes
- Ask the brunette out to a date in Atlantis.
- opt for the fetal position
- Huff kittens
- Pinch the brunette's buttocks
- Flip the buggy over and crawl under it and ask the lady for a bottle of sauce so that you can survive for another day
- learn to speak every single language known to man (and several known to monkeys!)
- spontaneously combust
- Try to fight a Grue, and lose badly
- Leave this site and watch YouTube videos
- Play Zork, causing an epic win
- die
- come to a horrible existential realization
*Secret option!
Super-secret option!
Double super-secret option!
The Idiotic Table of the Elements[edit | edit source]
K to Que[edit | edit source]
In many instances, English spellling changes the K or CK in American to Que. The pronunciation of the wourd is similar, but the spelling and look of the wourd is radically different.
| English | American | Usage |
| Cheque | Check | Cheque yourself before you wreque yourself. |
| Banque | Bank | The Mrs. Ippy river overflowed its banque! |
| Que | K | I had Special Que for breaquefast! |
| Question | Kstion | May I asque you a kstion? |
| Clique | Click | BANG ... BANG ... BANG ... BANG ... BANG ... BANG ... CLIQUE...CLIQUE ... "Buggre, out of bullets!" |
| Pique | Pick | Don't pique your nose, it makes me sique! |
| Prique | Prick | My manager is a prique. |
| Queique | Kick | The footballer queiqued the football. |
| Bououquequeeepres | Bookkeepers | Please give your banque cheques to the bououquequeeepres! |
| Albuquerque | Albukrk | Santa Fe is the capital of New Mexico, not Albukrck. |
| Heinequen | Heineken | Heinequen is Euroupe's largest brewrey. |
| David Bequeham | David Beckham | David Bequeham is |
| Fuque | Fuck | It's not ouffencive if you spell it F-U-Q-U-E.
v. Delete this fuqueing crap. |
| Quebec | Kbec | Montreal is located in Kbec. |
| QueQueQue | KKK | Most Americans despise the QueQueQue. |
Also known as...
"The King of Movie Trailers"...
"Mr. Throat"...
"Golden Throat"...
"Sore Throat Bloke"...
"The Tectonic Faultline"...
"Deepthroat"...
"The Megaphone"...
"Thunder Throat"...
"The Voice of God"...
"James Earl Jones"...
His credits include such trailers as...
Friday the 13th...
Halloween...
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers...
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers...
Halloween 6: The Revenge and Return of Michael Moore...
Pink Flamingos...
Halloween 6 ½: The Return of Shrek and the Revenge of Mike Myers...
Bad Mama Jama Busts Out...
The Terminator...
Terminator 2: Judgment Day...
Terminator 3: Rise of My Machine...
Blue Ice...
Dr. Strangelove...
Dr. Strangelust...
Halloween: Ren's Erection...
Young Hot Latinas 7...
The Godfather...
Chicken Run...
Chick 'n' Buns...
Daddy Day Care...
Lord of the G-Strings...
Batman...
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hitlercockbot@hotsytotsynazis.net |
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MarthaGreen444@Gmail.com |
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YouTube |
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Mum |
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esmerelda daviss |
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Steven_spielberg@aol.com |
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giftwrap@kiddylove.com |
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SeaMonkeys@homezoo.com |
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Dr. Frederick Mugabe |
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eBay |
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lesbianblogger@tartan.org |
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Lotto@jackpotlottery.com |
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Radiohead Mailing List |
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Nawtymistress@hottymail.com |
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George@freevacations.com |
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loveseekers@love.com |
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urbananimals@mouser.com |
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(Me) |
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noreply@Hotmail.com |
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Early Life[edit | edit source]
˙ʇɐɥʇ ؛ɐ sɐʍ 'oʇ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp
˙ǝpɐW ɔısnW ;ɹǝsodɯoƆ ʇsıuɹǝpoW ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıW ˙uoʇɐɥʇ ∀ɐʍ sʇ oɟıp ʇlnɔıɟpun puɐʇsɹǝpɐɯ 'ǝsnɯ ɔıɯoɔ ɹǝsodpoɯ ʇsıuɹǝqɐq ʇʇıqlıW ˙ɐɥ┴ ˙∀ ;ɐM ˙┴ ;ɟıp 'pu∩ ˙pɐW ;snW 'ɯoƆ ˙poW ;qɐq 'lıW
Critical Confusion[edit | edit source]
˙ʇɐɥʇ ɐ sɐʍ oʇ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp puɐʇsɹǝpun ǝpɐɯ ؛ɔısnɯ ɹǝsodɯoɔ ʇsıuɹǝpoɯ 'ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıɯ
|
uoʇlıɯ |
ʇɐɥʇ |
ʇɥɐʇ |
┴∀H┴ |
ʇɐɥʇɐ |
ɹǝsodɯoɔ |
::::::::::::::::::::::::::
˙ʇɐɥʇ ɐ sɐʍ oʇ ʇ˥nɔıɟɟıp puɐ┴sɹǝpun ;ǝpɐɯ Ɔısnɯ ɹǝsoԀɯoɔ 'ʇsıuɹǝpoɯ ʇʇıqq∀q uoʇlıW ˙ʇɐɥʇ ɐ sɐʍ oʇ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp puɐʇsɹǝpun ǝpɐɯ ɔısnɯ ɹǝsodɯoɔ ʇsıuɹǝpoɯ ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıW
Later Life[edit | edit source]
˙ʇɐɥʇ
ɐ s ɐ ʍ oʇ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp puɐʇsɹǝpunǝpɐɯɔısnɯ ɹǝsodɯoƆ ʇsıuɹǝpoW
- ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıW
'ʇɐɥ┴ ∀ sɐM o┴ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp˙ʇɐ ɥʇɐ sɐʍ oʇʇ lnɔ ıɟɟ ıpp uɐʇ sɹǝ pun ;ǝpɐ ɯɔı snɯ ɹǝs 'odɯ oɔʇ sıu ɹǝp oɯʇ ʇıq qɐq uoʇ lıW
˙puɐʇsɹǝpu∩ ǝpɐW ɔısnW ;ɹǝsodɯoƆ ʇsıuɹǝpoW 'ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıW ʇɐɥ┴ ∀ sɐM o┴ ˙ʇlnɔıɟɟıppuɐʇsɹǝpunǝpɐɯɔısnɯɹǝsodɯoɔ;ʇsıuɹǝpoɯ'ʇʇıqqɐquoʇlıWʇɐɥʇɐsɐʍoʇ˙ʇlnɔıɟɟıp;puɐʇsɹǝpun'ǝpɐɯɔısnɯɹǝsodɯoɔʇsıuɹǝpoɯʇʇıqqɐquoʇlıW ˙ʇɐɥʇ ɐ sɐʍ oʇ ˙ʇɐɥʇ ɐ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp puɐʇsɹǝpun ǝpɐɯ ɔısnɯ ɹǝsodɯoɔ ʇsıuɹǝpoɯ sɐʍ oʇ ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıW ˙ʇɐɥʇ ɐ sɐʍ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp oʇ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp ;puɐʇsɹǝpun puɐʇsɹǝpun ǝpɐɯ ɔısnɯ ɹǝsodɯoɔ ǝpɐɯ ɔısnɯ 'ʇsıuɹǝpoɯ ʇʇıqqɐq ɹǝsodɯoɔ ʇsıuɹǝpoɯ uoʇlıW ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıW
Milton Babbitt[edit | edit source]
˙ʇʇɐɥ ∀ ʍsɐ ʇo ıɟɟıpʇlnɔ ɹǝpun;puɐʇs ɐɯǝp nɯɔıs dɯoɔ'ɹǝso ɹǝpoɯʇsıu qɐqʇʇıq ʇlıɯuo┴ ˙ʇɐɥ┴ ɐ sɐʍ oʇ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp ;puɐʇsɹǝpu∩ ǝpɐɯ ɔısnɯ 'ɹǝsodɯoƆ ʇsıuɹǝpoW ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıɯ ˙ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıW ʇsıuɹǝpoɯ ɹǝsodɯoɔ' ɔısnɯ ǝpɐɯ puɐʇsɹǝpun; ʇlnɔıɟɟıp oʇ sɐʍ ɐ ʇɐɥʇ ˙ʇɐɥʇ ɐ sɐʍ oʇ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp ;puɐʇsɹǝpun ǝpɐɯ ɔısnɯ 'ɹǝsodɯoɔ ʇsıuɹǝpoɯ ʇʇıqqɐq uoʇlıW
Sequels[edit | edit source]
There were many sequels produced after Disney made the original films, but these were either lees successful or became internet meme on such sites as YouTube and Bluetube, as well as YouTube's counterpart, Youtube Shit. Ironically, many films will go on forever until Disney forgets one character from that film.
- That Goddamn Motherfucking Bitch-ass Cat
- Pollyanna Da Bitch Ass Ho!
- Toy Story 2
- Toy Story 3
- Toy Story 4 (a.k.a. "Toy Car Story")
- Toy Story 5: Rise of Kim Jong-il
- Toy Story 6 (Now in 2D!)
- Toy Story 7: Woody Has a Woodie
- Toy Story 8: Ummmmmmmmmmm.....
- Toy Story 9: The Resurrection of Sid
- Toy Story 10: The Resurrection of Sid Resurrected
- Toy Story 11: 1 Night in Bo Peep
- The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride
- The Lion King 1 1/2
- The Lion King 3: Simba's Disaster
- The Lion King 4: Simba's Erection
- The Lion King 33 1/3: The Final Insult
- The Lion King 5 2/3: Simba Sits in for Meredith
- The Lion King 5 3/8
- The Lion King 6 7/8ths
- The Lion King 9 3/4
- The Lion King 9/11
- The Lion King 5 3/8
- The Lion King 8 6/121: GET IN THE CAR
- The Lion King 9 34/35: The Circle Of Life Ends for Simba
- The Lion King 10 666/777: The Lion Queen
- The Cheetah Girls 2: When In Bed
- The Cheetah Girls 3: One World
- The Cheetah Girls 4: Cheetah Down in Da Bush
- The Cheetah Girls 5: Cloverfield
- The Cheetah Girls 6: Cheetahs Gone Wild
- Bambi 2
- Bambi 3
- Bambi 2002
- Bambi 3: Bambi vs. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
- Bambi 4: Bambi vs. Godzilla
- Bambi 5: BVAVP: Bambi Vs. Alien Vs. Predator
- Bambi 5 1/2: Bambi Vs. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Vs. Godzilla Vs. Alien Vs. Predator Vs. Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ecks Vs. Sever Vs. Earth Vs. The Spider Vs. The Board of Education
- Snow White 2: Snow White and the 8 Dwarfs
- Snow White 3: Snow White Meets Cocaine
- Snow White 4: The Real Snow White
- Snow White 5: Snow White Becomes Snow Black (guest starring Barack Obama)
- Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar
- Aladdin 3: Aladdin and the King of Thieves
- Aladdin 4: Jafar May Need Glasses
- Aladdin 5: That Iraqi Bastard!
- Aladdin 666: The Reincarnation of Jafar
- Aladdin: Hunt for Bin Laden
- Aladdin 2 1/2: Hunt for the Oil
- Aladdin Entertainment System
- Super Aladdin Entertainment System
- Aladdin 64
- Aladdin GameCube
- Aladdin Wii
- Aladdin 360
- Dumbo 2: Allergic to Pee Nuts (canceled)
- The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2
- The Hunchback of Notre Damn
- Hunchback 6: Ha Ha Cripple Person
- Hunchback of Notre Dame:HELP IT'S CHRIS BENOIT!!!
- Mulan 2
- Mulan 3
- Mulan 4: Mulan in Space
- Mulan 5: Attack of the Prozoids
- Mulan 6: Mulan Rouge
- Mulan 7: Rise of the Death Star
- Mulan 8: The Prozoids Fight Back
- Mulan 9: Escape from Mars
- Mulan 10: Solar Showdown
- Mulan 11: The Neptune Space Dragon
- Mulan 12: The Death Star Strikes Back
- Mulan 13: The Wrath of Gangor
- Mulan 14: Rise of Shi Huangdi
- Mulan 15: Liu Bangs some bitches
- Mulan 16: Mulan vs. Cao Cao vs. Liu Bei vs. Sun Quan (also known as Dynasty Warriors)
- Mulan 17: Pwned by Korea
- Mulan 18: Pwned by Japan
- Mulan Special: Teams up with Korea and Pwns Japan
- Mulan 19: Return of the (Mongolian) King
- Mulan 20: Me love you long time
- Mulan 21: The Gay Eunuchs plays Marco Polo
- Mulan 22: the Manchus strike back
- Mulan 23: Mulan joins the Red Guards.
- Mulan 24: Mulan love you long time.
- Mulan 25: Mulan gives Happy Ending.
- Mulan 26: This is not the Last One.
- Mulan 27: MORE SEQUELS FOR CHINESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!
- Mulan XXX
- Muran: When the Japs walks in...
- Myuran: Directed by the Beloved Kim Il Sung
- Mộclan: North Viet Nam and Vietcong pwn the United States
- Mulan the Taiwanese version, not China
- Mulan Unrated: Asian Chicks
- Sleeping Beauty 2: The Last Kiss
- Sleeping Beauty 3: Little Sleepy Meets Aladdin
- Sleeping Beauty 4: New Friends
- Sleeping (with a) Beauty (after getting drunk) 4 1/2: XXX edition (free footage of Sleeping Beauty, Jasmine and Little Mermaid Three way)
- Sleeping Beauty 5: Fuck That Sexy Sleeping Bitch
- Sleeping Beauty Behind the Scenes: How to Sedate & date
- SBX
- SB2
- SB3
- SBP
- Beauty and the Beast 2: The Enchanted Christmas
- Beauty and the Beast 3: Belle's Magical World
- Beauty and the Beast 4: Belle's Tales of Friendship
- Beauty and the Beast 5: Be Our Guest in Las Vegas
- Beauty and the Beast 6: Hawaiian Adventure
- Beauty and the Beast 7: Beauty and the Teapot Hook Up"
- Beauty and the Beast 8: Beast is in Trouble with the law
- Beauty and the Beast 9: Beast is arrested for Child Abuse
- Beauty and the Beast 10: Hairy and Horny
- Beauty and the Breast
- Ugly Shit and the Beast: Which ones which?
- Ugly Shit and the Beast 2: Their so ugly, I think I threw up a little!
- Busty and the Beast: Busty Chicks and Beastiality all in one!
- 101 Dalmatians 2
- 101 Dalmatians times 3, which equals 303
- 101.3 Dalmatians: 101 Blogmatians
- 666 Dalmatians: Hounds of Hell
- 0 Dalmatians: The puppy holocaust
- 101 Fellations
- 301 SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMATIANS!
- 101 Times a night (starring Sting)
- Stitch: The Movie
- Stitches: The Surgical Movie
- Lilo and Stitch 2: Stitch has a Glitch
- Lilo and Stitch 3: Stitch has a Bitch
- Lilo and Stitch 4: Stitch has a Switch (in his sexuality)
- Lilo and Stitch 5: Stitch Gets Hitched
- Lilo and Stitch 6: Stitch Dies in a Ditch
- Lilo and Stitch 7: Stitch Guest-Stars on "Bewitched"
- Lilo and Stitch 8: Stitch is a Friggin' Witch
- Lilo and Stitch 9: Stitch Fucks Mitch (Who is Rich)
- Lilo and Stitch 10: Stitch has an Itch (on His Penis)
- Lilo and Stitch 11: Stitch Is a Snitch (Gunna get killed by the inmates)
- Lilo and Stitch 12: Stitch Hates Jews
- Lilo and Stitch 13: Birth of a hybrid
- Lilo and Stitch 14 (THE FINAL ONE!): Stitch eats the Dick
- Leroy & Stitch
- Saddam and Stitch
- Bin Laden and Stitch
- Dubya and Stitch
- Kerry and Stitch
- Hillary and Stitch
- Obama and Stitch
- McCain and Stitch
- Biden and Stitch
- Palin and Stitch
- Stalin and Stitch
- Adolf and Stitch
- Michael Jackson and Stitch
- Samuel L. Jackson and Stitch
- Dick Armey and Stitch
- Mao and Stitch
- Clinton and Stitch
- A Pedophile's Life
- The Jungle Rape 2
- Jungle Book 3.0 Jungle Blog
- The Fox and the Hound 2
- The Fox and the Hound 3: Enemies like Computers! THANKS, BILL GATES
- (My) Steamboat('s) Willy 2: This Time in Technicolor
- The Great Mouse Detective 2: Mouse Solves Drugs.
- Pocahontas 2: DO NOT WANT
- Pocahontas 3: Extremely Native Lady
- Pocahontas 4: Meet the Jews (ALTERNATE TITLE: Pocahontas 4: Meet Borat, Kyle Broflovski & the Other Jews)
- Pocahontas 5: That Really Looks Like a Simpsons Movie To Me
- Pocahontas 666
- Pocahontas 2600
- Pocahontas 5200
- Pocahontas 7800
- Pocahontas Jaguar
- Carnival Rats II: Scarley's England Tale
- Carnival Rats III: Carnival Rats II
- Carnival Rats IV: Carnival Rats XL
- Carnival Rapes
- Carnival Rats V: I Swear, This is Better than American Dad!
- Carnival Rats CDi
- Pinocchio 2: Pinocchio Goes Extreme (guest-starring Tony Hawk)
- Pinocchio 3: Pinocchio Gets Killed By Getting Chopped
- Pinocchio 4: Puppet Wrestling
- Pinocchio 5: Starring The Blue Fairy
- Pinocchio 6: Pinocchio thinks his nose is his dick
- Pinochio 7: Team America: World Police
- Pinocchio Master System
- Pinocchio Genesis (AKA: Pinocchio Mega Drive)
- Pinocchio Saturn
- Pinocchio Dreamcast
- Cinderella 2: Dreams Come True
- Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time (originally titled "Tremaine Back in Time")
- Cinderella 4: Cinderella's Got My Credit Card
- Cinderella 5: The Evil Stepmother's Reincarnation
- Cinderella 3.1
- Cinderella NT
- Cinderella 95
- Cinderella 98
- Cinderella 2000
- Cinderella ME
- Cinderella XP
- Cinderella 2003
- Cinderella Vista
- Cinderella: Blue Screen of Death
- The Sword in the Stone 2: Duel of the Fates
- The Sword in the Stone 3: NOW, There's TV!
- The Sword in the Stone-box
- The Sword in the Stone-box 360
- The Sword in the Stone: Red Ring of Death
- The Sword in the Stoner
- Monster Trucks, Inc.
- Higglytown Heroes: The Movie - Life in Ice Ketchup
- Higglytown Heroes 2: Higglytown High
- Higglytown Heroes 3: The Hindenburg
- Higglytown Drunkards: Life in the Ghetto
- Fantasia 2000
- Fantasia 1984
- The Fourth Fantasia That's More Epic Than Family Guy Was!
- Journey to the Disney Vault (Which Is Empty)
- Chicken Little 2: The Search For a Good Script
- Chicken Little 3: Chicken Little Gets Layed
- Chicken Little 4: Chicken Little's Egg
- Chicken Little 5: Omelette With Tomatoes And Black And Green Olives
- Feces Fighter 2: Dreams Come True
- Roadkill (Cars in Europe)
- Cars 2: Pimp My Ride
- Cars 3: Cars in the Ghetto
- Cars 4: NASCAR editon
- Ratatoullie 2: Ratatoing
- Rataboobie
- Ratatouille 2: Damn Frenchies Can't Win a War
- Oliver and Company 2: Kill the New Don
- Oliver and Company 3: The Dogers Kill His Dogs & The Cat!
- Finding Nemo 2: Eating Nemo
- Finding Nemo 3: DAMN NEMO WHERE YOU AT!
- Finding Nemo 4: Nemo turns Emo
- Finding Nemo 5: Nemo slits his fins
- Finding Osama
- Grinding Nemo
- The Aristocats 2: Where's Edgar?
- The Aristocats 3: Battle of the Wits
- Newsies Lodging House Orgy
- South Panthers 2: Panthers in Vegas
- South Panthers 3: The Panthers' Def Comedy Jam
- South Panthers 4: Masturbation Panthers
- South Park Vs. South Panthers
- The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea
- The Little Mermaid 3: Return to the Return to the Sea
- The Little Mermaid 4: Ariel's Daughter Poisoning
- The Little Mermaid 5: The Beginning of Ariel
- The Little Mermaid 6: The Global Warming Explosion
- The Little Mermaid 7: Rise of the Apocalypse
- The Little Mermaid 8: Ariel's Hot (In Europe)
- The Little Asshole 9: Mermaids Gone Wild
- The Big Mermaid: The McDonalds Scandal
- Meet the Robinsons 2: The Future's Quest for Steve Jobs
- Hercules 2: The Trojan War
- Hercules 300: This is SPARTA!
- Hercules 4: Hercules Meets Kuzco & Kronk of "The Emperor's New Transplants"
- Hercules 5: Hercules Goes Extreme (Starring Tony Hawk)
- Hercules 6: Smashy Crashy Die Die Die
- Hirculs 7: lulz spelt hercules wrong
- Hercules 8: This Looks Like Family Guy or American Dad to Me!
- Hercules 9: Megara Has LARGE Boobs!
- Hercules 10: Hercufield
- Hercules 11: Hercules gets killed by Chuck Norris
- Herc-box
- Herc-box 360
- Herc-box 360 2: Hercules & The Red Rings of Death
- Peter Pan 2: Return to the Peoples Republic of China
- Peter Pan 3: Return to Nazi Germany
- Peter Pan 4: Return to Satan
- Peter Pan 5: Return (into) Tinkerbell's Shirt
- Peter Pan 6: The Land of Sometimes Land
- Peter Pan 7: The Real Peter Pan
- That Disney Movie: Pedophilia, Drug Use, and Racism in 50's Disney Movies (a Ken Burns documentary)
- The Rescuers (Surprisingly enough, there are two frames during a chase scene of a naked girl)
- Honey I shrunk my Penis
- Rick Moranis:Fuck You Rick Moranis, Fuck You and your..Pussywhipped Friends! 4 Eyes!
- The Rescuers 5: The Rescue Team Travels to Italy
- The Rescuers 6: Die, Mice, Die!
- The Rescuers 7: BLOOD DIAMOND
- Alice in Wonderland 2: Alice's Revenge
- Robin Hood 2: Prince John's Reincarnation
- Robin Hood 3: Robbing Hood
- Robin Hood 4: Robin From the Hood
- Home On the Range 2: Home On Your ASS!
- Home On the Range 3: We Just Aren't Trying Anymore
- Shrek meets Monsters Inc.
- Monsters Inc 2: monsters in ur bed!!!!1 lululul
- Bolt 2: Some Movie
- Bolt 3: The Dog Goes Naked! XXX!
- Steamyboat's Willy, the porno
- Tarzan II
- Tarzan III: This Time, It's Not Tarzan II! NOT IN 3D!
- Tarzan IV: UNRATED, UNCUT & UNCESORED!
- Tarzan & Jane: One Night in Pari.. Amazon....
- Tarzan's "accidental" circumcision. (So there was this large sharp rock and Jane thought to herself "hhmmm better in bed...")
- Tarzan V: Tarzan's WOW addiction.
- Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp's Adventure
- Lady and the Tramp 3: The Last Spaghetti Kiss
- Lady and the Tramp 4: Naggy Lady and the tramp
- A Bug's Life 2: A Bug's Death
- A Bug's Life 3: Kill the New Insect
- DONK-E (ASS-WIPE in Europe)
- WALL-E 2: WALL-E Attempts to Install Vista and Dies
- The Black Cauldron 2: Surf's Up
- The Black Cauldron 3: FIND EILONWY'S BOOBS!
- Atlantis 2: Milo's Return
- Atlantis 3: AAAAAAAtlantis!
- The Three Caballeros Strike Back (Released only in Mexico and SW America)
- Return of The Three Caballeros (Released only in Canada and possibly Spain)
- Flubber 2: When Flubber Meets Cum (Released only in Japan and possibly Des Moines, Idaho)
- Love Is A Lie: The Oscar Meyer Story
- Operation Dumbo Sex
- I Am A Flying Cryo-Preserved Dismembered Head Floating Under the Snow White Exibit: The Walt Disney Story
The Poem[edit | edit source]
“Trogdor wæs un mann,
On hsendlio he wæs un Draca-mann,
On hsendlio he wæs un Draca,
Ac he wæs níwene TROGDOR!
TROGDOR!”
~ Trogdur þæm Bærnettamber
Trogdor the Burninator chronicles the creation and exploits of the Great Dragon Trogdor, who gains the title of “Þæm Bærnettamber” for destroying the entire nation of Geatland. The poem is a concise 3128 lines long—966 of which are the phrase “TROGDOR!” printed in block letter runes—and was likely written at roughly the same time as Beowulf.
The poem begins with the creation Trogdor by an unnamed god at the behest of an equally mysterious mortal messenger. The god proceeds to haphazardly fashion the beast out of sacred runes—most notably different shaped S’s and consummate V’s—and human body parts before finally instilling the dragon with life. Once created, the god arbitrarily beseeches Trogdor to “bærnettam þæ dúnlandsyd” through a rather lengthy ballad complete with a dueling lute solo. After lute player Squiedlee defeats rival lutist Meadlee in the lute duel, Meadlee is promptly bludgeoned to death and Trogdor is sent down to Earth to complete the task for which he was created. Trogdor promptly lays waste to the nation of Geatland—something made abundantly clear as the phrases “Bærnettamyng þæ dúnlandsyd” (roughly translated, “burninating the countryside”) and “Bærnettamyng þæ færbéna” (“burninating the peasants”) are used a combined 434 times in just 560 lines of text—before destroying the great mead hall at Heorot.
After the destruction of Heorot, there is a great deal of the poem missing as the manuscript was damaged by fires in 1546, 1547 and 1690. The fact that a poem that deals so heavily with things being “burninated” was itself “burninated” has been called “slightly to somewhat ironic” by most scholars. Just what exactly transpired in the destroyed sections is a matter of fierce scholarly debate. However, most reliable estimates put the use of the phrases “Bærnettamyng þæ dúnlandsyd,” “Bærnettamyng þæ færbéna” and “TROGDOR!” at roughly 20-32 times apiece in the missing 106 lines of text.
Abuse of "USERNAME" template[edit | edit source]
Someone told me that this page abuses the "USERNAME" template, which has gotten Uncyclopedia into a lot of trouble before. We don't want to return to the days when trolls like, say, <insert name here> were splattering "{{USERNAME}} is an asshole" everywhere. I'd say that deep down, <insert name here> was the asshole all along. Shit, I hope <insert name here> doesn't see this...
Oh God, why do I drive this ever further into the ground?
Dammit, I think <insert name here> just found us...
Scene 4[edit | edit source]
No passage of time is indicated, as the previous scene carries over to the present. However, three days have nonetheless passed. The patient who previously suffered a heart attack under the care of Drs. Green and Ross walks in dressed in a suit and tie.
Man: My name is Harley Finklestein, and I'm a medical malpractice attorney, representing myself in the case Finklestien v. Incompetent Fools. I am here to inform you that you have been sued by one Harley Finklestein for incompetency in the face of a fairly commonplace medical emergency; that is, a myocardial infarction.
Dr. Ross: Interesting....
Harley Finklestein: [Pressing on] Your inability to deal with a common heart attack leads my client, Harley Finklestein, to believe you are incompetent to continue in your profession as doctors. Please serve this summons in one month.
Dr. Green: Is your client any relation to yourself?
Finklestein: Excuse me?
Dr. Green: Well, I mean, you have the same name and all...
Dr. Ross: Ah...yes, this is true.
Finklestein: You idiots! My client is me!
Dr. Green: Sounds like a case of multiple personality disorder. NURSE!
Two buff male nurses show up
Thug #1: Yeah, boss?
Dr. Green: Please detain Mr. Finklestein, he thinks he is himself and another person that is himself as well.
Dr. Ross: Yessiree!
Thug #2: Sounds dangerous.
The two male nurses tackle Finklestein and we promptly see him petulantly sitting in the very same bed he was in last time. Dr. Green walks in
Dr. Green: Hello, sir, what's your name?
Finklestein: HARLEY FINKLESTEIN!!!!!
Dr. Green: I see, very interesting. And can you describe your symptoms to me?
Finklestein: [Eyes are so wide as to be protruding from the man's skull]BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHH!
When I returned to Mr. Snickermuffins[edit | edit source]
I had no Fancy Feast, and no money, and some major injuries. Mr. Snickermuffins was nearly dying. Luckily, I had some tuna in my bag for him. The thing is, I couldn't find your can opener. So I took my butcher knife and walked towards my bag. Mr. Snickermuffins was unfortunately near it and was already trying to receive the tuna. I could tell poor Mr. Snickermuffins was insane because of near starvation. No, literally insane. Mr. Snickermuffins attacked me! The only way to stop this demon cat from Hell was to stab him multiple times until he died with a knife. I didn't murder him by choice. He even reopened some of my cuts that the hospital warned me to not open!
Then an hour later, you returned. And, haha, um... here... we... are. So... are we still friends? You don't believe me? That's ridiculous! That's pure honesty at its best, Rick..... Rick! Hey! Rick! What are you doing? Is that a camera? Wait, that means... oh hell no!
Chapter 5: A Sore Ass[edit | edit source]
After that little adventure, I opened a console session to check on my spelling. Man, that guy "^penis" was fucking weird. Who lets creeps like that on the Internet, anyway? I opened the blacklist file in nano once again and checked my spelling.
I had misspelled it. I had fucking misspelled it. It should have been "pcspkr", not "pcskpr". I clicked save with tears of joy in my eyes. It was finally over. My problems were done. All I had to do was press the save key, and my computer would never touch the internal speaker again. Then, it happened. I pressed the save key. The RAM faltered from its age, alerting the motherboard that something was wrong. The motherboard told the internal speaker to alert me. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. I ripped the cord from the back of the computer and threw the laptop across the room, where the screen flew off. However, the laptop was still running on battery, and its dismemberment only made it beep louder. "You fucking piece of shit!," I yelled, "I'm going to fucking kill you!" BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. I ran over to the computer and bashed the keyboard with my foot. The computer was asking for death, and death was what it was about to receive. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. Panicking, I ripped the battery door open and yanked the battery out of the system. I then tossed the battery into the wall, making a large dent.
My dad burst into the room, belt in hand. I gulped, and dropped my pants.
But Why Would I Do That?[edit | edit source]
So are you convinced yet? A little unsure? Thats ok.
There is always some concern over the safety of doing such things, such as pouring boiling water down your pants, and cutting your head off with a chainsaw. SO the question then, is Why? Because we know that they is the unexplained need to do so - it gnaws and claws at your very soul; it speaks to you in the dreams that you repress. It is normal to have urges Mrs. DeWinter, you can only suppress them for so long; curiosity is a normal sign of a fully functioning mind, you simply need to say to yourself that "I am helpless, Mrs. Danvers, I cannot fight this any longer. Where did you put the damned awl?"
But if you pay attention, we're not forcing you to do anything, just giving you suggestions. I would try it if I were you. But I'm not you, so go ahead and do what you want anyway. Sure, there are a few hazards, you know, the usual burns, cuts, scrapes, mild electrocution...etc. But look at the benefits: Experience. Why give up a chance at doing something so devilishly fun as sticking assorted objects into your nearest outlet? In fact, why don't you go do it now? You will? Awesome!! Here take this screwdriver...hold it like this and jam it in on the count of 3:
...Two...
...Three!
FUCK![edit | edit source]
"I remember seeing that thing before," you think to yourself. "It's from some website, Unrecyclopad or something like that." But your thoughts are pushed from your mind with a spurt of adrenaline, and you make a furious run for cover under the cafe counter. But to your horror, you are grabbed from behind by the creature's fuzzy appendage, and you find yourself being raised hundreds of feet off the ground. Sweat pouring off your brow, you remember some kind of chart about these things and what to do if you are attacked by one. "Something about Chuck Norris, I think???", you say to yourself. In a desperate attempt at freedom, you reach into your suit pocket and pull out a tiny object, resembling something of a dog whistle. Bringing the instrument to your lips, you blow as hard as you can into it. A musical piece, sounding something like the theme from "Walker, Texas Ranger", emits from the device, and a low rumbling is heard in the distance. The creature takes its attention off of you and looks in the direction of the sound, and as you look in the same direction, you can make out a dark speck on the horizon. As the speck grows bigger, you can make out a man in a ten-gallon hat speeding towards the monster. However, as the man is almost directly beneath you and ready to defend, the monster lifts up one gigantic foot and squashes the figure with a watery SPLAT!, and a pool of blood forms beneath the monster's toes.
Awww, crap...[edit | edit source]
The monster makes a low, gurgling sound, resembling some mutated form of laughter, as the horrible realization comes to mind that this beast just killed-- no, DESTROYED your only hope of survival. The monster then turns its head to look at you, and with one last look of spite in its eyes, it tosses you into its mouth like a potato chip.
YOU ARE DEAD.[edit | edit source]
Hey Wait, Where are You Going?[edit | edit source]
Hey? Don't leave me up here? Please? Hey man, I didn't mean all that stuff, and I really DID care about your toddler almost getting hurt! Don't LEAVE ME HERE! I'M SCARED OF THE STORMS! NOOOOOOOOO!
You failed to make my cookie in five minutes or less[edit | edit source]
Dude, you didn't think what I said about being tardy with my cookie was true? I may be a nine year old girl, but I can kick your ass! Ooh, sorry for using naughty words again. But seriously, not only did you not finish my cookie in time but the whole thing is burnt into a crisp! Haven't you ever been taught how to cook a freaking cookie? You have upsetted me for the last time!
1,2 buckle my shoe
3,4 shut the door
5,6 pick up sticks
7,8 full of hate
9,10 kill the men
11,12 burn in Hell!
WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET A G.I. JOE?[edit | edit source]
You got this at school from one of your friends or their "progressive", feel-good-ery parents who coddle their kids too much? WE DON'T NEED THEIR GODDAMN CHARITY! You already have toys to play with. You have that recycled material which may or may not be cat feces. You know what, I'm going to teach you a lesson. I'm going to melt your little stupid G.I. Joe and then you can take it in to show-and-tell tomorrow and explain to the class why you can't have nice things like this. Look at that, he's melting and it's all because of you and your stupid child-like idiocy!
Ahh! I lit myself on fire and all this alcohol is just making it burn faster! MARTHA! Damn, she's passed out from all the pills! Timmy, call 911 and save your pap! Timmy? Where are you going? You cut the phone line you little fucker! IF MY LEGS WEREN'T CINDERS I WOULD ... AAAAAAAAA!
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You Are Dead (file info) |
| Uncyclopedia has an audio version of this article. |
You, <insert name here> (???? – 2024) were born several years ago and now you are dead.
No whining or bitching. Because you can't. You are dead.
You at least want some questions answered?
You'd probably be better off just getting used to keeping quiet, dead boy.
And that also goes for the smart bitch right there that just said "I'm not a boy". You're dead too.
A fusion reaction rendered six city blocks uninhabitable for centuries[edit | edit source]
I don't think I have to remind you of the spectacular mushroom cloud that arose from your former residence, or of the fact that 2,300 people died of acute radiation poisoning that day, including twelve experimental physicists.
So, I think we both learned something. "One ten-thousandth of a second" is not a reasonable estimate of how long it takes to reheat lasagna, and neither is "six hundred thirty-nine years". Actually, that lesson is mostly for you, as I already knew both those things.
But I just have one question:
Why the fuck is the microwave still running?
Accomplishments[edit | edit source]
“AAA has achieved the world's highest scores on millions of video games.”
- In 1958, a week before the first video game was invented, AAA achieved the first high-score ever while watching a test pattern.
- He managed to clear 5 rows in Tetris with only one piece.
- Then the top of the screen surrendered to him.[citation needed]
- He is so good at Zero Wing that he unlocked 'Proper grammar mode'.
- He is SO good at Zero Wing that all of CATS bases are belong to him now.
- He has beaten every version of Doom on Nightmare difficulty without ever cheating or dying. Without using any weapons. Or powerups. Not even the pistol. Or the chainsaw. Or Berserk Packs. The only things he ever picked up, in fact, were the head of an Imp and the key cards.
- He beat the original Metroid in under 12 seconds, unlocking the ending where Samus becomes so nude that she turns into a skeleton.
- He raised cats on Nintendogs.
- AAA beat Fable by killing Maze the moment he saw him, as he knew Maze was evil.
- AAA's evil count was the highest possible.
- The game froze after he attempted to raise it by slaughtering a maiden after raping her for 12 hours straight. He wasn't even at the Xbox for that amount of time.
- AAA's evil count was the highest possible.
- He beat Star Fox Adventures while still playing as Krystal.
- He defeated Bowser in the pre-menu battle of Paper Mario.
- He beat Tiger Woods PGA Tour using a putter and a sand wedge.
- In the 2029 edition.
- He defeated Action 52 without becoming insane.
- He defeated not one, not two, but fifty-nine South Koreans at Starcraft.
- And those Koreans were on the same team.
- And he only used one single Zergling.
- And those Koreans were on the same team.
- He prevented Sarah Kerrigan from being infested by the Zerg.
- By only keeping her selected at the end of the mission.
- Without a mouse.
- Or the game.
- Without a mouse.
- By only keeping her selected at the end of the mission.
- He defeated the World's Worst Trolling Attempt by using a non-existent cheat to give him infinite coins.
- In Warning Forever, he managed to reach a boss so ferocious that it broke out of his computer screen (dubbed the "Tera Smashed Tera Poded Infinity Omega with Extra Onions") and had to subdue it in hand-to-hand combat.
- He won.
- Using a paperclip.
- He won.
- He beat the original NES Battletoads in the first run without dying, without the 5 live cheat, and two players. (he divided himself by 1)
- On Wii Sports, he can get a hole in one. Which is not so hard, until you realise he was playing Wii Tennis at the time.
- He beat Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia as Albus in level 1 cap in the first run without dying, using a piece of Shanoa Rule 34. The monsters died due to Erectile Dysfunction upon seeing it.
- He did the same to Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin in Old Axe Armor mode Level 1 cap, by using a piece of old axe armor rule 34, since old axe armor is a girl. The only monster who did not die out of erectile dysfunction is Astarte, but he killed her anyway.
- Speaking of Castlevania, he cured Anette from vampirism using sanctuary in Castlevania Dracula X chronicles. And thus causing shaft's ghost to explode out of rage. Then he defeated Dracula and he got the good ending.
- He did the same to Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin in Old Axe Armor mode Level 1 cap, by using a piece of old axe armor rule 34, since old axe armor is a girl. The only monster who did not die out of erectile dysfunction is Astarte, but he killed her anyway.
- He beat NetHack as an illiterate atheist vegan Wizard without landing a single blow. When a trap on level 10 polymorphed him into a floating eye, he completed the rest of the game that way, blindfolded. Pestilence caught a cold from him. Famine bought him lunch. (AAA didn't eat it.) His final score wrapped MAXINT twice and still pushed ten other players off the screen.
- He finished Phoenix Wright with a paperclip as his only evidence.
- He beat the first Death Note game similarly; his only evidence were spoilers, fanfictions, and the aforementioned paperclip.
- He once managed to get the judge fired for impudence, then filed against Edgeworth for being a lying bastard.
- He won the lawsuit.
- He once managed to get the judge fired for impudence, then filed against Edgeworth for being a lying bastard.
- He beat the first Death Note game similarly; his only evidence were spoilers, fanfictions, and the aforementioned paperclip.
- He can beat the arcade version of Gradius III without dying once. Trying to complete this game is a big enough feat already, even for AAA. But he claimed the game is way too easy.
- He actually found out what was wrong with this picture.
- He played the Zelda CD-I games *without* snickering at the cutscenes.
- Morshu gave him credit.
- Interestingly, he beat Twilight Princess Ganon only using the giant book from Faces of Evil.
- Beat Windows on every difficulty level, including Vista. He also beat Bill Gates in Windows.
- He also beat the Blue Screen of Death on Windows.
- He got the "Get back to the Real World" ending on Myst and all its sequels. All at the same time.
- He gets the ball in the cup every time.
- He finished Super Mario 64 in 10 seconds by jumping into the stained glass window outside the castle, raping Bowser to death, and then rescuing Peach. He then went on to play the game properly from the start and attained 121 stars. He then went on to play Super Mario 64 DS and found 151 stars, all without touching the DS once; he used his mind...
- He beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without even touching his controller. He just walked into the room, and the game beat itself out of pure and utter fear. On top of that, the system wasn't turned on, the controllers weren't plugged in, and the cartridge was sitting on a nearby shelf.
- He reached the flagpole in the endless, underwater -1 World on Super Mario Brothers in two minutes without looking at the screen, without using his hands, he used his armpit, and while singing the song that never ends to its ending in those 2 minutes... he then proceeded to defeat -2--8 Worlds, or the secret levels where Mario grabs the axe and kills Bowser, rather than pressing the button near it to drop him in the red room which looked like lava. This is a giant accomplishment for anyone since -1 is endless, thus preventing the secret badass levels to be played, but AAA said that this was too easy.
- The second time playing Kingdom Hearts through, he made sure to beat the shit out of Riku in a cutscene, so he wouldn't be any trouble later on.
- He has never created a character based on himself.
- He has unlocked characters based on himself.
- He beat Japan's Super Mario Brothers 2 without warping (Including bonus worlds 9, A, B, C, and D), without getting any items, without dying even once. With his Famicom and its controllers unplugged, during a power outage. (This is one of his biggest accomplishments yet. He claimed that the game was waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy too easy. But hey, he's AAA, everything is easy for him.)
- He beat MySpace using a friend's Facebook account.
- He beat Daikatana without getting stuck even once or using a hosportal.
- He bought and beat DragonBall Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 6, when we still haven't reached the fourth one.
- In Tekken 5, he beat Jinpachi Mishima using a DDR dance pad.
- He beat all Halo games either using only a Headset or a microphone. Or screaming at the computer.
- He beat Pong when it first came out and achieved a score of 9 million.
- He once beat a pinball machine by only rocking it back and forth for 15 hours.
- He once beat Saturous and Menardi at the start of Golden Sun. Without cheats. Without looking at the screen. Without using attack. Before the storm even starts.
- He has been known to beat many an H-game so quickly that no character had a chance to lose their virginity.
- He managed to find a mine on the first click in minesweeper.
- Then still beat the game on the very next click
- In Sonic Adventure 2, he raised a chao into Chaos himself by just breastfeeding it.
- He snuck the Weighted Companion Cube past the incinerator in Portal. And it didn't get dissolved by the lasers.
- His character survived and got the cake.
- It was a triumph.
- He made a note that it is "HUGE SUCCESS".
- It is hard for many to show their satisfaction without going insane.
- Apperture science did all that they could, to stop him.
- Because they did it for the gamers, except the ones who tried, failed, and died.
- But hey, he didn't cry over everything like mistake.
- Mostly because he didn't run out of cake.
- And he made a new science movement.
- And a very neat gun.
- For the people who are still alive.
- He beat Contra 3's red falcon brain without shooting an orb.
- He also beat the 4th boss of Contra: Hard Corps in its first form.
- He even beat Contra: Shattered Soldier with an SS rank and 100% hit ratio in all levels within 5 seconds.
- He beat every Guitar Hero song on expert using a DDR pad.
- He beat every DDR song on Challenge using a Guitar Hero guitar.
- He plays every instrument on RockBand simultaneously using only emanations from his olfactory glands.
- He beat Through the Fire and Flames on Expert using just his left foot.
- He beat Dead Rising using solely diplomatic relations.
- He completed a round of Solitaire in 0:00:23 seconds without turning on his computer. The cards arranged themselves in stacks before he even walked into the room.
- He once purposefuly lost in Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.
- He can also cross bridges in Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.
- And break the light barrier.
- Going forwards.
- And backwards.
- Going forwards.
- He beat Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball with so little effort that Team Ninja decided to go ahead and release Ninja Gaiden.
- He beat i wanna be the guy in impossible difficulty like it was nothing at his first run, before kayin completed the game.
- He also found all the secret items in the final version of i wanna be the fangame before tijitalmijit even finished the starting section of the game.
- In Monkey Island, he married LeChuck because Elaine wasn't good enough for him. He also beat the sword master using only the "I am rubber, you are glue:"-insult. He also sold Stan's hat to Stan himself, for a boat and a life insurance.
- Women enjoy playing video games with him.
- Every video game he has ever played has been completed to such an extent that the sequel actually started, even if there wasn't one.
- He beat every Legend of Zelda title's Three-Heart Challenge with 1/2 a heart.
- Including The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, which doesn't sound so amazing until you realize that he was playing the 20-minute demo included in the Collector's Edition, released before the game was finished.
- Then beat The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass in said demo by telling the pirates to check out the Ghost Ship.
- Before the DS was even invented.
- Then beat The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass in said demo by telling the pirates to check out the Ghost Ship.
- Including The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, which doesn't sound so amazing until you realize that he was playing the 20-minute demo included in the Collector's Edition, released before the game was finished.
- He cured cancer in Trauma Center.
- He had beaten Mario Kart Wii by the time the Wii had finished saying "Mario Kart, Wii!!!"
- He beat Halo 3 on Legendary with all of the Gold Skulls active.
- Using only a completely drained Energy Sword.
- Without taking a single hit.
- In under ten minutes.
- Without taking a single hit.
- Using only a completely drained Energy Sword.
- He unlocked Roy in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
- And the Master Hand.
- And the Crazy Hand.
- Using only the Wii Nunchuck.
- And the Crazy Hand.
- And the Master Hand.
- He beat Metal Gear Solid 3 with the Big Boss rank, on hard mode.
- While standing still.
- And on alert.
- While standing still.
- He beat RuneScape by reaching level 99 in every skill before he even left tutorial island. He kills things simply by examining them. His account name is Zezima.
- Then he banned andrew gower and mod mmg.
- He bullied the Slender Man into collecting the pages for him.
- He beat Maplestory by reaching level 200.
- Without 2x EXP cards.
- Training only on Snails.
- On a Perma Noob.
- In under 20 minutes.
- On a Perma Noob.
- Training only on Snails.
- Without 2x EXP cards.
- He beat SimCity 3000 by cramming 6 million virtual citizens into a single city.
- ...without cheats, and without even using roads.
- Unfortunately, he has never survived the Gamingpocalypse because he had never spent a coin in his wallet. Note that he had found Waldo at 6th June 2014, but he has still not survived the gamingpocalypse.
- AAA is so damn good that he brought the PS Vita back from the dead. (albeit for 0.248 nanoseconds)
- He beat Spore on hard difficulty while getting every achievement in under 1 minute while playing as a creature with no limbs, eyes, or anything else.[17]
- And without creating anything else. and without a controller.
The Cheque is in the Mail[edit | edit source]
Around 9000 B.C on the island continent Atlantis, the lazy, shiftless and shady dealing Atlanteans came up with the third oldest trick in the book (then known as the 'Youngest Trick in The Book'); "The Cheque is in the Mail". Many Atlanteans did not like paying bills and often spent most of their pay cheques on beer and kittens. To get landlords, creditors, and deities (see Zeus the Moose) off their backs, they would tell the creditor "The check is in the mail!". This would confuse creditors, who would return home and sit by the letterbox for the rest of the afternoon, while the Atlanteans would duck out for another beer. The most famous usage of this trick was when the Atlanteans used it to stop paying for the running costs of the city water pumps they bought from D-bay, designed to keep out the ever-rising floodwaters common to the Indian Ocean region. This resulted in the Great Flooding of Atlantis, which became so severe that the island eventually became submerged under the ocean. It is now only frequented by mermaids and lost Japanese midget submarines. In America, this trick is referred to as "The Check is in the Mail."
The Rabbi, the Priest, and the flaming visage of Frank Lloyd Wright[edit | edit source]
Uh...
Moral: Hmmm....
Cleaning Up[edit | edit source]
This is a tricky one, you need to conceal the evidence while working on excuses for those things that you broke or fouled which you can't fix or hide in your current state. The best thing is to do nothing, because anything you do at this stage will make it worse tomorrow. Above all don't try washing anything, its almost guaranteed that it will get broken in the process. Popular excuses include blaming broken things on drunk mates, or various pets and animals.
Just make a note to buy flowers on your way home from work tomorrow hope that your spouse... HOLY SHIT! WORK! You're due at the office in three hours! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAA[edit | edit source]
A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A.
2. George Bush Jr.[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, George Bush Jr. is not actually the son of the other guy named George Bush, but actually a robot created by George Bush with some help from NASA. George Bush Jr. is programmed for progressive world domination. Although his speech engine often makes mistakes, these are taken humorously and called 'Bushisms'. The robot is so successful that only the hippies can actually tell that he is a robot, and since nobody listens to the hippies, his secret is safe. Michael Moore made a documentary about him called Bush Exposed: The Naked Truth, but it was unsuccessful because it was often confused with an adult film with the same name. According to IMDB users, the Michael Moore film is the worse of the two.
Where Is The Milk? Campaign[edit | edit source]
The Sun took it upon itself to start a campaign to help find the milk, in the interests of the British Public. On Monday 9th October, The Sun ran a front-page story on the shocking news and the campaign. By the next day, 4 million members of the public were backing the campaign, as were celebrities such as Jade Goody and a Bono look-alike.
By Friday 13th October, Phil Collins, the drummer from Travis, that guitarist who sometimes plays live for S-Club and that bassist from Swedish black metal band Fyrnschythe had recorded a single for the campaign. '(Where was the) Milk (when I needed it?)' made number 2 in the charts and raised £300,000 for the campaign. Hours after reaching number 2, The Sun was due to congratulate Mr Collins for all the hard work he had put into the campaign but unfortunately he was unavailable for comment and was seen driving off in a real nice new expensive car.
The missing milk campaign even spread internationally. Pictures of Mr Dunnett's missing milk bottle were soon to appear on the sides of milk cartons on breakfast tables all over North America, while the milk bottle's image was also displayed in post offices in all fifty states. The popular national weekly tabloid newspaper, the National Enquirer, even ran a front page campaign that paralleled the one mounted by The Sun back in the U.K. which its huge readership responded to in droves. Speculation that the missing milk bottle had been abducted by aliens, or stolen by Elvis while he was on a secret visit to London, was rife.
That show that's on at 2am that you're never sure whether it's real or a weird dream you're having[edit | edit source]
Not many people tend to watch this show, although those few who have seen it swear that there was a subliminal voice telling them to kill their loved ones. Another unusual thing about the show is its scheduling. Instead of running in a specific time slot, it tends to appear unexpectedly in the middle of the night when the viewer is alone and at their most vulnerable. It also has the power to continue playing long after the television set has been switched off, unplugged, and smashed to bits. In fact, the only known way to get it to stop is to try to show it to somebody else.
The show's most popular demographic is with mental patients, most of whom were committed after seeing the show and becoming convinced that they had embarked upon a million-light-year voyage to the dimension of light and shadows.
Future Versions[edit | edit source]
Rumor has it that future versions of Google Earth will include people waving and doing sign language.[18][19]
Video game[edit | edit source]
The developer of Destroy All Humans! realized one day that most kids hate homework. Deciding to get some pocket change for sweets, he organized a team and is currently making Destroy All Homeworks! and then soon to be followed Destroy All Teachers!. They will be released next year.
Background[edit | edit source]
After rogue Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker turned to the Dark Side of the Force and personally eliminated some ninety percent of his order, his new mentor Darth Sidious/Emperor Palpatine placed extreme pressure on the young Jedi to accept his new identity as Sith lord Darth Vader. Imperial psychologists later determined that this imposed tremendous weight on the young dark disciple's psyche, causing him to question his own identity and leading to a crisis of Ego.[20]
By 1895 according to the Christian calendar of Earth (which is in a galaxy far, far away), young Darth Vader was suffering from hallucinations of alter-ego Darth Vaders, many of them similar to Darth Vader's appearance, yet starkly different. One such alter-ego appeared in the form of a "Hello Kitty" Sith Lord, whilst another was a strange combination of Batman and Darth Vader. The Dark Lord was unable to consolidate these diverging identities, and as a coping mechanism began speaking in the third person. Imperial Officers such as Admiral Ozzel and Captain Piett testified at the ultimate trial to overhearing comments spoken by Lord Vader such as, "Darth Vader's failed himself for the last time," and "Darth Vader doesn't know the power of the Dark Side." The most damning testimony at trial came from Boba Fett, who swore under oath that he had heard Darth Vader say, "Darth Vader is Darth Vader's father."
Darth Vader refused to admit to the psychological strain he was suffering under and instead determined to seek redress through the intergalactic legal system. Bringing a civil action to quiet title to his name, Darth Vader filed the case that infamously came to be known as Vader v. Vader. Through the case, Darth Vader sought a judicial declaration that he was the one and only Vader. He imagined legal adversaries such as Darth Hello Kitty, Bat Vader, and Darth Steampunk (all of whom are pictured in this article as described by Vader himself during his trial testimony). He even convinced his mentor, Darth Sidious, to act as his lawyer and advocate for his version of events, i.e. persecution at the hands of a series of (imaginary) evil Sith Lords.
Tom and Ulga scenario[edit | edit source]
Twm was written by a user named Tom. By extension, uwm was most likely written by a developer by the name of Ulga. This stands to reason, as uwm was not developed by someone who knew much about technology – and women of the time were at a distinct disadvantage.[21] This is because, as there were even fewer women in computing then than there are on the internet today, any woman with the lack of social graces required to go into computing usually wound up having to spend most of her time fending off the unwanted advances of her depraved peers, and was generally not very good at it to begin with. This would subsequently leave little opportunity to learn or do much else.
There is a very good probability that Tom tried to hit on Ulga at some point, but we're not here to speculate.[22]
Whatever the case, and whoever Ulga was, uwm managed to be a sufficiently poor user experience that titlebars were a necessary breakthrough, and that says it all, unless it doesn't.[23] Considering that the current design trends include phasing out titlebars (as well as many other useless features we never needed in the first place), it is speculated that Tom and other users who eventually wound up using twm over uwm were simply being overly picky.
Reaction[edit | edit source]
The reaction was extremely positive at the announcement, and over three billion units were sold, generating over 19 quadrillion pesos in revenue for Apple. eBay took a hit, as several million old iPods went unsold. Market analyst Steve Ballmer noted, "I love iPod yocto. I love puppies. I love all people. We need more love, and less hate. Spread peace!" He also wishes death on many people.
The IPod yocto is the best consumer device ever created.
The Chinese government banned this player due to Apple's alleged plan to overthrow the existing regime by selling the yocto cheaper than the Chinese copycats.
Problems with your VCR Manual[edit | edit source]
| Problem Description | Proposed Solution |
|---|---|
| The VCR Manual won't open. | |
| The instructions are written upside down. |
|
| The instructions for my language are in an unintelligible script. |
|
| The instructions are written black on a black surface, congratulations. |
|
| The VCR Manual flies around the room randomly. |
|
Complete List of BSoD Platforms[edit | edit source]
- Calendars
- MS-DOS
- Windows 3.1
- Windows 95
- Windows 98
- Windows NT
- Windows ME
- Windows <insert name here>
- Windows YOU TOO (YOU2)
- Windows 2000
- Windows XP
- Windows Vista - with enhanced security protection.
- Windows 7
- Windows 8
- Windows 8.1
- Windows 10
- Windows 11
- Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 (compulsory)
- ReactOS
- Xbox
- Xbox 360 - supports Xbox 360 controller, with only A button functional.
- Zune - BSoD happens most when sharing music and photos.
- Your watch
- Your mom
- You
- Game Boy Pocket
- Digital Watches
- iPods (When not Mac-Based. And when they are they're just shit anyway)
- Windows CE
- a bunch of payphones
- electronic ticket counters
- Air Traffic Control - when more than one A380 are on the move...
- National ICBM Network
- NORAD Air Defense Complex
- Supercomputer Networks.
- Skynet's controls.
- some ATMs
- McDonald's cash registers - when handling 'big sized' meals... see USA for more details.
- lots of other cash registers
- those stupid music stations in record stores which never have anything good on them
- that giant screen in Times Square
- computer operated billboards (?!)
- automated checkouts
- LCD display on Coca Cola vending machines - happens most often when you select multiple buttons at the same time.
- LCD traffic display for the tramways in Nancy, France
- Alarm Clocks
- That stupid LED information screen opposite Primark in Cardiff City Centre that always breaks down
- Targeting computers of most of the U.S. bombers
- The useless advertising LCD screen on Lincoln Road
- Flight computers: click here and click on "WindowsPanel".
- PSP
- PS3 - First System to run BSoD with Blu-Ray
- Refrigerator LCD display - happen most often when too much cokes are inserted.
- SKYGUARD International Anti-ICBM system
- Casio watches
- DVD Players
- Macs - when you type "should've bought Windows" into Safari browser.
- Mobile phones
- Computer-generated versions of the NBC peacock logo
- All of New York and Tokyo's advertising displays - they also attract a crowd.
- In all cinemas - especially when actors like Tom Cruise appears.
- Razorblades in a room full of personalitys.
- Dragonforce guitar tabs
- TARDIS Console
Daily schedule[edit | edit source]
Due to the regularity of cliché action sequences occurring in Michael Bay, in recent years the action in the area has been set to a strict schedule, so that dueling battles, chases, explosions, and other events do not conflict with one another.
- 12:00 AM - The turning of a new day is celebrated with a bright, fiery explosion.
- 12:05 AM - A police officer a few days from retirement is killed.
- 1:00 AM - Sonorous recitation of ancient clichés.
- 2:00 AM - A government entity goes rogue and must be stopped before life as we know it comes to a halt.
- 3:00 AM - Look out... FOR ROBOTS!
- 4:00 AM - Slow Motion Explosion.
- 5:00 AM - Obligatory and irrelevant reference to a conspiracy behind the JFK assassination is made.
- 6:00 AM - Mexican Standoff.
- 7:00 AM - Ben Affleck shows up.
- 8:00 AM - Motorcycle crashes through pane of glass (M, W, F), fruit/vegetable stand (Tu, Th, Sat), or stained-glass at crowded Church (Sun), or charges toward giant sentient helicopter (on alternate weeks).
- 9:00 AM - Random Slow Motion Explosion.
- 9:34 AM – High-speed chase through a shantytown.
- 10:00 AM -Notable landmark is destroyed by awesome power of computer graphics.
- 10:08 AM - Man killed with bare hands, but he deserved it.
- 10:09 AM - Megan Fox's Cleavage Viewing Stall opens.
- 11:00 AM - Hero framed and must save the day before he himself is arrested.
- 12:00 PM - Lunchtime! Time to dump plot points. Hero/Villain should be just letting his/her guard down when the meal is interrupted as a Dodge Viper goes crashing through the restaurant window, rolling slowly in midair as it soars in slow motion across the room towards the salad bar. Explodes.
- 1:00 PM - Steve Buscemi does exact same role he did last time you saw him.
- 1:40 PM - Girl's navel is tickled with animal crackers. Yeah, I don't get that one either.
- 2:00 PM - Deadly rockets are fired into the city.
- 2:48 PM - Hummer chase scene. Body count 10.
- 3:00 PM - Someone shouts, "WE'RE NOT LEAVING THEM BEHIND!"
- 3:30 PM - Car jumps draw bridge. Second car attempts but fails. Explodes.
- 4:00 PM - Impending natural disaster that will destroy all life on Earth is discovered.
- 4:45 PM - Aerosmith song plays.
- 5:00 PM - Explosion. Fireball. Slow motion.
- 5:23 PM - PROTECT THE HUMANS FROM THE DECEPTICONS!!
- 5:30 PM - Two individuals must switch identities and pretend to be the other, leading to madcap zaniness.
- 5:45 PM - Affectionate moment between the two (slow motion optional, but recommended).
- 6:00 PM - Holy Shit! Is it the red wire... or the blue wire? Red? Blue? Red? Blue? Agghh!!! THE CLOCK IS TICKING!
- 6:01 PM - Bomb stops with one second left on it.
- 6:10 PM - Dinner, eaten while walking across gas station parking lot. Characters praise that one guy they can trust.
- 6:13 PM - Guess what? That guy you thought was good? He's really evil!
- 7:00 PM - Stolen Trans Am chase scene. Car veers off bridge and falls into Michael Bay. Explodes underwater. It's okay though, because exploding something under water (even nuclear bombs) saves the day and no one is ever hurt. Not even fish.
- 7:00 PM - Every character gets into a helicopter and flys past a huge blood-red sunset for no reason.
- 7:15 PM - Helicopter explosion. Slow motion flaming pinwheel into city street.
- 8:00 PM - Arbitrary and ill-conceived love triangle ends when 3rd man out conveniently dies doing something heroic, so that the world is saved and the other two can live in happiness in it.
- 9:00 PM - Killer won't just shoot good guys and ends up explaining his whole plan to them, rambling on.
- 9:02 PM - Killer surprisingly has tables turned on him, is himself killed by good guys. Good guys walk away. Villain's hand, sticking out of rubble heap, twitches.
- 9:30 PM - Ferrari crashes, explodes. Crane shot.
- 10:00 PM - Laws of physics ignored out of convenience.
- 10:06 PM - Autobots Descend!!
- 10:30 PM - Run to waiting helicopter on roof of skyscraper. Dramatic music.
- 10:34 PM - Arrival on rooftop after intense, slow motion elevator ride.
- 10:35 PM - The bad guy, though seriously injured, is still alive and waiting for them! No way!
- 10:45 PM - 18,299,387 shots fired in shoot-out. Down to his last bullet, the good guy actually aims for once and gets the bad guy between the eyes. Shell casing falls to ground, clinks once, twice, and--
- 10:50 PM - SMASH CUT to helicopter flying away from large, rooftop explosion. Hero, leading lady breathe sigh of relief.
- 11:00 PM - Helicopter pilot evil! No way! Shootout on helicopter
- 11:10 PM - Helicopter crashes onto street ten yards from the helicopter crash that happened at 7:15. Man operating street sweeper begins swearing loudly in Serbo-Croatian.
- 11:20 PM - Hero, leading lady parachute to safety on rooftop with many conveniently placed billboards.
- 11:30 PM - The whole city is set to explode at midnight! Aaah!
- 11:58 PM - Hero, leading lady run past sign reading CITY LIMITS, accompanied by dramatic orchestral music.
- 11:59 PM - The ending of the old day is celebrated with a Linkin Park song and a bright, fiery
Oh, I've got to show you something![edit | edit source]
Oh, you just HAVE to see these toys from when your father and uncle were children. I kept them all in here under this nice red blanket. What's that? There's a funny black symbol on there? Oh, never mind that. I think it looks nice, especially surrounded by all that white in the center. Whiiiiiite........
Say! Look at this nifty little thing! Oh, this was a lovely little toy. It's kinda like a Chinese finger trap. You just put your finger in here and pull the string. SLICE! See? Just look at that blade come down. Oh, it did cause a little cut that caused some blood. Blood... bloooooooooooooddddd... Oh, sorry. I must have dazed off for a second. Oh well, I guess that happens a lot at my age! Tee-hee!
Say, look at this! Why, it's the first book I ever bought for your Uncle. Look! It's even got that lovely symbol from the sheet on it! I always liked that symbol. The book is nice, too! It was written by a man who was in prison at the time, and he became a great leader later! Oh, I think I have a picture of him here in the book... lemme see... yes! Here he is. Oh, look at that funny little moustache on him. He looks SOOOOOO adorable... I could just see that moustache wiggle back and forth so CUTELY! Just like Charlie Chaplin. What a silly boy!
Oh, speaking of pictures, I have this nice poster here from a nice man from Britain. Oh, this poster hung over Mort's bed for MANY years. I don't know WHY he took it down. He was a good leader, too. Oh, he reminds me of that John Cleese character. Oh, I think he was just as funny, talking about ruling Britain and all that with his "Facial Regiment." Oh, he had a lot of people follow him, probably because his face was so cute from the regiment. I liked him. What, dear? The arm? Oh, that was just a muscle spasm. It causes my arm to go up and straight like that sometimes. He-he-he-he-heeeeeeeeeeee..................
Oh, here are some toys of Mort's. I really like this one. It's a Bobby Fischer doll from the 1960s. I got it for your Uncle after he beat that chess player from the Soviet Union. Look! It even has a pull string. I wonder if it still works... <pulllll>
The Jews want to kill everybody! <pulllll>
America is a bastard country full of inbreeds! <pulllll>
Free Masons rule the world! <pulllll>
CHECKMATE, MOTHER FUCKER!!!
Oh, isn't that nice?
the attack[edit | edit source]
sum peepul wer on the planes and the terorists killd the pilits and zey hijakd the plan. peepul scremed and the hijakurs laffed. the plan crashed into won of the twin towurs. peepul thot it wus un aksident. but it wasn't. the noos reportd it and peepul ran away. then anuther plan crashd and mor peepul died. then thowsunds of peepuls died and peepul cryd and it was sad.the terorists also crashed a plan into a big pentugon and anuther plan into the grownd. and osuma bin aladdin laffed and went to hide. then the firfiters cam to the rescyoo! but the bilding fel on them and zey dyd.
then ther wur sum tribyoots. i didn't no wut a tribyoot wus. so momy iksplaind to me tat its wen a bunch uf peepul sit around and remembur peepul tat dyd. i askd if we haded a tribyoot 4 grampa wen he dyd. momy sed no becus tribyoots ar 4 speshul peepul. momy cals me speshul. maybee all get a tribyoot wen im big and wen i dyd.
Bankruptcy[edit | edit source]
Okay, Janet gave you your happy ending, now rent a video or gtfo. You're not here to rent anything, but to, what... serve me a paper? Okay. Oh shit, bankrupt? No, no, no, Blockbuster is not bankrupt. Well maybe a little bankrupt, right on the cusp, perhaps. In any case, it's in no way a reflection of the quality of our video cassettes.
I'll tell you what the problem is. Internet piracy. These days anyone can get their hands on the latest Yul Brynner vehicle by just turning on their computer, downloading a file and saving it to their VCR. Or they buy illegal copies off those dodgy street vendors at the market. A cousin of mine bought one of those once, and when he got home and opened the cassette case there wasn't even a video in there, it was just a block of cheese. And that's not even the worst that can happen. Did you know September 10th was funded by video piracy, and by Netflix? No, not September 11th, September 10th, where terrorist agents broke on to the set of Homeward Bound II and killed one of the dogs. That was the saddest day in American history.
I know I'm just babbling now. Anyway, yeah, we've got a cunning plan for getting out of financial debt. How about from now on we charge a dollar for every extra day you keep the video? That should sort things out quickly! We'll be back in the black in no time. What's more... hey, who are those men boxing up all our videos and taking them to that van? Why I know, they're just happy customers of course! Janet, get them some coffee. Hey — enjoy your films boys! Ah, The Land Before Time XIII, excellent choice, sir.
What's that now? Why are they closing the shutters? Must be closing time already. You can come back tomorrow, we open at 8am sharp. Huh; you say we may not open again until next year, maybe never? Are you hearing this Janet? Now why don't you just get out, buddy. Keep going, don't let the door hit you on — Janet, where are you going? Well fine, the two of you enjoy yourselves. And don't trip over the Starbucks logo on the way out. I've got no idea why that was left there anyway. Or this step ladder. Or this length of rope.
I wonder if Netflix is hiring?
Inscription[edit | edit source]
Only a single Maya inscription, “Tortuguero”, directly mentions the end of the 13th baktun, which corresponds to 23:18 A.M. on Dec 21, 2012. It has been defaced several times over, though Mayan scholar Mr. T has attempted to conjure up a translation:
- Tzuhtz-(a)j-oom u(y)-uxlajuun pik
- (ta) Chan Ajaw ux(-te') Uniiw.
- Uht-oom ...
- Y-em(al) Bolon Yookte' K'uh ta
TRANSLATION: "Listen up, fool! On December 21, 2012, yo, yo family, and all yo mothafuckin' friends can kiss my fancy ass good bye." And further, "Bolon Yookte K'uh ta" means, "ain't gonna be no rematch!"
A less trendy explanation of why the Mayan Calender ends abruptly is that the Mayan Civilization hasn't been around of late to make a new one because we slaughtered the entire civilization shortly after 'discovering' it. The arrival of the invaders was apparently something which they predicted exactly to the day. No really, to the day. Bullshit? Well look it up.... anyway ... Did we mention the 8,000 books they had? ... and that we apparently torched all but three of them, and that it's mostly from these three books that we actually get all our information about them, and ... What was in the other books? And why in the name of Pee Wee Herman did they burn them all?
Going solo?[edit | edit source]
Don't have many friends, though? Then perhaps you should consider playing Russian roulette alone. This, however, is not recommended, as straight-up suicide would be a lot less tense and more economical. When played solo, the game is accomplished in, at most, six easy steps.
Step One[edit | edit source]
This is by far the easiest step in the game. Just put the gun to your head, pull the trigger, and the overwhelming majority of the time you'll hear the click of triumph. Good job! Don't get too comfortable though, there are still one to five more chambers to pump through before feeling the bloody rush of victory.
Step Two[edit | edit source]
Splendid job not getting too comfortable, because your alertness during this relatively safe point in the game has given you the second click so far. Not really, actually, since it was all luck, but at least you'll keep your wits long enough so you could blow your brains out later.
Step Three[edit | edit source]
Did that last comment put you off? Because I can see your hands shaking now, and it looks just dreadful. An important part of the game is to keep your hands steady, not like it will affect your odds, but so that if you lose you won't have to go find a steak knife to finish off what an indirect hit started.
Anyway, prepare to steady those hands at least one more time, because there goes the click.
Step Four[edit | edit source]
Damn, you're really looking terrible now. Maybe playing this game isn't exactly the best thing to do for someone in your condition. Seriously, don't bother with all this tension if you're going to play solo, just grab a semi-auto and put yourself to sleep the easy way. Suicide is painless, after all.
This game, on the other hand, also appears to be physically painless at the moment, as you just heard another click.
Step Five[edit | edit source]
Satisfied you got up to here? You're not? Oh yeah, I forgot, you wanted to die. Well, it looks like you've finally met you're match here. Round 5, also known as dead man's round, is the number one killer in the Russian roulette industry, and 5/6 times it is always fatal. Round six actually has a bigger percentage, but... let's at least wait to see if we get that far.
Are you ready for the end? Well guess what, add another click to your resume because that bullet just didn't follow through.
Well congratulations, you've exhausted 5/6 chambers in your gun, so the last one is bound to make you bite the bullet. If you're going to continue from this round and even just try to play round six, then you seriously have a death wish. You say you're going to do it? You're fucking crazy, man.
Step Six[edit | edit source]
You really are fucking crazy! Well, you asked for it. But before you go, let it be know that not only are you incredibly stupid and crazy, but you're also really goddamn brave. If you weren't extremely suicidal and just doing this as an alternate way to kill yourself, then you'd be the bravest man to ever live. Cherish that title while it still lasts. But anyway...
Here comes the boom!
And there you have it. You're now a bona-fide master at Russian roulette. It's a pity you decided to go kill yourself, the sport could have used more people like you.
Day Four[edit | edit source]
I went to an internet cafe today. I paid two pounds for a soggy croissant and an unbanned IP address for half-an-hour. At home I've got an expensive, efficient Internet Service Provider with a super efficient static IP Adress and I have to pay at an Internet cafe. I made myself a little account - called it "EuroIquit" - and loaded up the floppy disk with the quitting speech I drafted yesterday.
For old time's sake I popped over to the New Pages list, and spent a while sticking things on QVFD. I've always liked it there - it's so anonymous. You just dump your load of rubbish and leave. Then again, that never really worked to my advantage - I think everyone always assumed I did nothing but write articles they didn't like and complain when they got deleted again. When I'm gone, someone'll just start another thread saying the cruft is backing up a bit and we need another forest fire week, and no-one will make the connection between me and something useful that got done.
I'm looking at that window again despite the fact that I'm free. I've got kind of perversely fond of looking out of it in the last few days. I know the view is probably photoshopped from the Windows XP background, but it looks so peaceful out there. I never really got to grips with peaceful until I started hanging around here without being able to say anything.
On the Village Dump they're still talking about bad smells after the sockpuppet vote. I reach for the edit button to flame back, maybe add some sarcasm to their userpages that wasn't there before. Then I load up the window picture again and look at it. It's like I was still banned - well I suppose I am, technically. Is this some kind of guilty conscience, or just a prison I've made up in my head? Anyway, I back out of the Dump again and make some more quiet edits, and then my time is up and my croissant is even more inedible. There's plenty of poor folk who won't mind a soggy croissant. I'm not used to being pushed about as they are. How do I get round those admins?
I don't know quite why I didn't post that message. Or why I deliberately left the floppy in the machine at the cafe when I walked out. I guess I'm not going to leave just yet. And I did think of one final way to try and get back in there... Not something I would normally try, but it might work, I guess...
***JeffArchIsSorry has joined #uncyclopedia
It’s over, almost.
On this page[edit | edit source]
In A.D. 1812
squid was beginning.
Captain: What happen ?
Mechanic: Somebody set up us the squid.
Operator: We get squid.
Captain: What !
Operator: Main squid shave on.
Captain: It's you !!
Cats: How are you gentlemen !!
Cats: All your squid are belong to us.
Cats: You are on the way to squid.
Captain: What you shave !!
Cats: You have no squid to shave make your time.
Cats: Ha ha ha ha ...
Operator: Captain !!
Captain: shave off every 'squid'!!
Captain: You know what you destroying.
Captain: shave 'squid'.
Captain: For dark squid.
National Typo Day[edit | edit source]
Wins wars instantly. End of.
Just scream misspelt spellings of words until the enemy unit dies. Note that Palau soldiers are immune to this. They are also the best at it.
I made it! Now what?[edit | edit source]
You're still alive? Really? I mean.... of course you're alive. I knew my plan would work.
Now it's time to party and you should have more than enough valuables left to throw one hell of a welcome home bash. Maybe you can splurge on one of those ice cream cakes. I love those things.
You might also consider selling your story to some publishing company. Or better yet, one of those newfangled moving picture places. Maybe they'll cast a really crappy actor to play the part of you in your story.
If a party seems like too much stress and you think you just want to relax after your terrifying ordeal, you could always use all that money to go on vacation. I hear there's some sort of new flying Zeppelin thing called the Hindenburg that's taking reservations.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Anything minus the same thing always equals zero.
1 - 0.999... = 0.0...1
1 is not the same as 0.999...
Wikipedia is wrong ONCE again!
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Here is our finished product. Beautiful, isn't it?
Now you have 200gb of storage space, fill it up with songs! We found in our benchmarking results that the addition of the ATA hard drive adversely affected battery life. However, we believe that this is a small price to pay for an over 50x increase in storage capacity. Using Apple's own bitrate calculations, we can now store over 150,000 minutes of music! You'll never listen to the same song twice. This is such a great advantage over the original model that we urge all iPod Nano owners to upgrade immediately.
Some of the thinner iPod Nano cases may not fit after this mod, so please check your sizes before ordering a new case for your freshly enhanced Nano.
iPod Nano retail: 89mm by 41mm by 7mm
Modded iPod Nano: 147mm by 101mm by 26mm thin (Impossibly small!)
Dying[edit | edit source]
This practice has been around for possibly thousands of years, yet it is only recently that it has made headlines in the alternative medicine field. Though there are many variations, the basic practice is ending all current metabolic processes and no longer being alive. Many therapists guarantee that practicing death will ultimately cure all diseases the patient may be suffering from. Some doctors disagree, and point out the long lasting side effects of dying as evidence of this practice's controversy.
Pros: Complete lack of stress; friends might bring you flowers.
Cons: You die.
Writer's Bloock^H^H^Hck is^H^H^H ,a^H^H^H , also called^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H is the fault of the keyboard that I'm using ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H stupid delete key. That's why this isn't coming out right. Cramped style.
Ah-hah! Here's that animated .gif!
... Now, how do I continue this? Darn it...
Now, I can die with joy.[edit | edit source]
My work here, I believe, has been done. With a teary gaze in my eye, I leave this beautiful passage to you; shall you always treasure it in your hearts, and realize that I am with you, my words reaching out of their flat barrier to touch your life, and the lives of those around you.
Chapter Nine: Dick is a Big Shot[edit | edit source]
- See Dick's friend Harry. Harry is wearing orange. Harry is wearing BRIGHT ORANGE.
- See Dick take aim. See Dick shoot. Oh, no! Dick has hurt Harry.
- See Dick, he wants to keep the shooting a secret. See Mrs. Armstrong. She is going to tell the press.
- See Dick fly off and hide. Where is Dick?
Chapter Ten: Let's Play Make-Believe![edit | edit source]
- See Dick. Dick has a secret. What could Dick's secret be?
- See Mrs. Armstong. See Mr. Wittington. See Mr. Press Secretary.
- See them all. They are covering up for Dick. But where is Dick? Dick is not accountable to anyone.
- See Dick. Dick is above the Constitution. Dick is above everyone and everything.
- See Dick. See Dick run the United States. "This is fun," says Dick.
The End[edit | edit source]
Next week's lesson:
See Dick See You (In the Privacy of Your Own Home)
One last commercial break[edit | edit source]
JINGLE: Let's all go to the lobby
Let's all go to the lobby
Let's all go to the lobby
And buy a bloody TiVo already
The end of the show[edit | edit source]
The audience tries to cheer here, but between the inhalants and the already strenuous cheering they did before, can do little more than muster a sort of echoing noise.
STEWART: Hi everybody welcome back before we go, we're going to check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert at the Colbert Report STEPHEN!
The camera splits between Stewart and Colbert, who looks up from his own counterspell to Stewart's incantation
COLBERT: Jon, those were some pret-ty harsh comments about Republican Pundit you did early in the show.
STEWART: I didn't know you supported his charity.
COLBERT: Jon, it's not that I support his charity, it's that I support Pundit. Pundit has been a unique figure in my life: father, uncle, priest, stranger with candy, Amy Sedaris: he has been all of these things and more to me, so regardless of my beliefs on the matter (and they are all extremely right-wing, let me tell you), I support Pundit through all of his endeavors.
STEWART: That sounds great. You have a good show coming up right after The Daily Show, all right?
COLBERT: Witty one-liner!
STEWART: Okay, that's it our show for today. Here it is, your Moment of Zen.
Cut to a clip of Hamas talking to a muppet about using starving children as suicide bombers.
We hereby declare solemnly that we were totally stoned out of our asses when scribbling this Document and that it shall rule the Land eternally.
Below there is not an image[edit | edit source]
Below there are not graphic representations[edit | edit source]
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What you will find below is most certainly not text[edit | edit source]
Please be aware that this is not text.
This is not a pipe. Or is it?[edit | edit source]
Magritte didn't not paint paintings. But he did ... did he not? That's rather something ...
This is not another heading[edit | edit source]
Too right! It is not. How naive!
However[edit | edit source]
A deeper understanding of the non-subconscious or death.
Fish[edit | edit source]
There are no fish.
These are not two uncategorisable miscellanies[edit | edit source]
Box
Link. Italibold.
Linguistic Section Answers[edit | edit source]
1. There.
2. What was the first one again? (repeat until examiner loses interest)
3. ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM. Do you know how I got the word? Well I just knew you would give me that one.
4. Basically... There.
5. I believe it's right about here-UI9ER . Page 94 for your Catcher In The Rye quote.
6. Ok, I mailed it and killed myself two hours before post is delivered.
7. I tried and failed.
8. I tried and failed.
9. Ok done, next question. Expect them to attack back.
10. They shouldn't answer this question, they should be building their bunker to protect themselves from the war that is about to start.
Step 10[edit | edit source]
What do you see?
- Nothing, but I suddenly want to eat some meat
- Nothing, but I feel like I need a shovel
- Nothing, but what if I tried to put my cat in a closed bag, just to check if it floats?
- Kitty, come here...
Verdict: Are you color-blind?[edit | edit source]
Now you are.
The List[edit | edit source]
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- This is not the first game where Samus appears in a bikini. She's been doing that since 1986.
- There is no nudity in the game, nor is there a nude cheat. The game is rated M for nudity because Jigglypuff does a little nude cliff-diving in the opening movie.
- Hackers have created a CD that, in theory, if swapped into the GameCube at the appropriate moment, unlocks nudity in the game. However, it doesn't actually fit in the GameCube, which, unlike other modern consoles, uses undersized discs. They are working furiously on the problem, but in the meantime suggest getting your Zelda porn elsewhere.
- In the English language release of the game, Mr. Game & Watch is played by Kobe Bryant.
- If you play as one of the girls in Super Smash Bros. Melee on a GameCube with a SSBX save on it, it will automatically deposit money in that character's SSBX account.
- A sequel is planned for the Wii. Super Smash Bros.: Xtreme 2 drops the "Volleyball" from its name, since no one cared. It is rumored that the Wiimote can be used to bitchslap the other girls if you do not like the gifts they give you.
- "Xtreme" is not a real word.
Trivia for Internet Movie Database (2006)
- According to the end credits, the film is dedicated to Josef Stalin.
- Cynthia's seemingly impossible "slinky" dance is actually performed by an uncredited Andy Serkis. That is why the character's face is never shown in this sequence.
- Woody Harrelson reportedly received no money for this film, claiming he had "spiritual reasons" for his participation.
- For a brief moment in the pit-of-acid table tennis scene, a demonic face can be seen on the surface of Red's paddle. Lucas has been opaque on this, but close analysis of the film stock has revealed the face to be none other than that of Pazuzu, the possessing force in The Exorcist.
- Brad Pitt bowed out of the lead male role after contracting a virus on his computer upon opening the e-mail offering him the spot.
- For secrecy's sake, the film was shipped in canisters marked The Land Before Time 9.
- The film made only $70,000 its first weekend, despite a production cost of over eighty times that sum. The studio blamed "poor advertising choices" for the poor box office take, presumably in reference to the "viral" Internet campaign that resulted in thousands of lost man-hours and millions in PC repairs.
- A promotional poster depicting Sylvester Stallone (as President Dostoevsky) receiving an injection of "Muscle Juice" was, according to the actor himself, merely a tetanus booster shot. His publicist insists that Stallone does not promote the use of recreational drugs.
- The bizarre circus sequence three-quarters into the film was, in a studio error, mistakenly taken from another film. It replaces the climactic chess game between Glory and the internet server infected by Woody Harrelson.
Goofs for Internet Movie Database (2006)
- Factual errors: Contrary to the voting sequence, Russian-born American citizens seeking office do not receive a "+4 election bonus."
- Continuity: In the New York hangliding scene, Rock Hudson lands on top of the World Trade Center. However, in the next scene, a plane can clearly be seen hitting the building.
- Incorrectly regarded as goofs: The Pentagon does in fact have a central abacus rather than a computer, in order to protect against remote terrorism.
- Audio/video unsynchronized: During Dostoevsky's "Red Nation" speech, the sounds of gunfire and helicopters meant to accompany the next scene disrupt the audio track.
- Continuity: In the establishing shot of the "Battle for Middle Maryland" scene, the crowd of armed farmers is nearly endless. In the next shot the rebels consist of Barack Obama and a couple surfer dudes.
- Factual errors: The film consistently misidentifies past US presidents; for example, it refers to FDR as "our fourth president." Furthermore, John Winthrop died long before the United States were established, and William Shakespeare never even set foot in the States.
- Crew or Video Equipment visible: As Charlton Heston strolls past the barn in his boxers during the third hoedown scene, the treadmill he is walking on is clearly visible, and the "barn" he is walking past is clearly drawn on scrolling paper.
- Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Rock, Paper, Scissors is an accepted way of breaking a tie in a presidential election. Refer to the elections of 1800 and 1960.
- Plot holes: Rock Hudson claims in an interview that George Lucas killed him and his entire family. This has several times been proven false.
Things which are yellow[edit | edit source]
Other meanings[edit | edit source]
- Rub The Fluffy Mouse
- Really Tasty Finger Muffins
- Remember The Freaking Milk
- Right Time For Mac
- Roust Thar Flagon, Matey!
Other Phones Available On the BananaMarket[edit | edit source]
- Danana Phone
- Panana Phone
- Yanana Phone
- Yo Mama Phone
- Moma Phone
- Papa Phone
- Brother Phone
- Sister Phone
- Doga Phone
- Grampa Phone
- Gramma Phone (Pun)
- Willyphone
External links[edit | edit source]
- An article detailing the many ways you and your family can have fun at Disneyland
- History of the Republic of Disneyland
- Trust me, you don't want to know!
- I'm serious, you don't want to know!
- Really, I mean it this time!
- ↑ For shaving.
- ↑ which nobody expected
- ↑ "Unobtainium" (Unobtanium) has come to be used as a synonym for "unobtainable" among people who are neither science fiction fans nor engineers, to denote an object that actually exists but is very hard to obtain either because of high price (sometimes referred to as "unaffordium") or limited availability. Wikipedia
- ↑ ”Getting a kilogram of Unobtainium (Unobtanium) up to that speed, and then decelerating it at the end of the ride, takes at least 1017 joules of energy. What’s the cost of that energy? Our cheapest joules are supplied by your local utility company at about ten cents a kilowatt hour, or 36 million joules per dollar. At that rate, the price of shipping a kilo of Unobtainium works out to $3 billion, or – assuming 2% annual inflation between now and 150 years from now – $50 billion in 2154 c.e. dollars (that’s the year in which the film (Avatar) takes place) Hebrew Unobtanium Shipping Estimate
- ↑ Unless of course you still live with your mummy, in which case she has already done them, no matter how much she nagged you
- ↑ And they are also wondering what you are doing in their kitchen.
- ↑ Note about how nobody knows anyone who knows them either, because nobody knows page title in the first place.
- ↑ It took me about 10 minutes max. Therefore, it should take less time for you.
- ↑ stupidity
- ↑ This refers to a cloth, it can be any cloth at all. Not to be confused with the well known song "Loslappie" which means loose cloth and is used as an innuendo to refer to a slut or manwhore.
- ↑ Afrkaans word for grandmother.
- ↑ Pinch (he could not find the correct Afrikaans word for peg which is peg)
- ↑ A collective word for bugs or insects.
- ↑ Oh crap!
- ↑ Meaning food, pinch and balls. Frikkie tried to throw in a catchy Afrikaans saying before leaving hastily, but instead succeeded in not making any sense at all.
- ↑ This is probably on account of you being a complete pervert, and can never stop thinking about women.
- ↑ What? How is that even possible? You need creature parts to get some of the achievements! He must be magical then.
- ↑ including hot babes in the shower!
- ↑ Google officially "abhors Easter eggs".
- ↑ Id wasn't involved as he was on holiday at the time of the transition.
- ↑ Even Scandinavian ones, despite Scandinavians being world leaders in computing technology due to not having anything better to do during the winters.
- ↑ This is a reputable encyclopedia, not a tabloid.
- ↑ We're not going to explicitly admit we have no idea what we're talking about, see. That would be wrong.
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