Red Ring of Death
“WTF? MY XBOX JUST DIED!!! F%&@#ING HELL!!!...”
“Wii don't have that problem (because we don't even have hardware to overheat)”
Red Ring of Death is the condition all Xbox 360 gamers dread. It shows the Xbox has been infected by ghosts via a miscellaneous game update or random Microsoft Blue Screen of Death moment. The Red Ring of Death was actually created by Playstation 3 fanboys so that they could have something to flame Xbox 360 users with in online forums. This however, was a moot point as everyone in the gaming community soon realized, as the 360 has so many weak points.
Before the Red Ring of Death, Playstation users would point out "The PS3 has better graphics", or "PS3 network is free", citing the plentiful evidence supporting those facts. Now, PS3 users prefer to point out -correctly - "The 360 has crap reliability" "RRoD is still at 30%+" or "The 360 doesn't even work". Therefore, it will refuse to play any game because the 360 will scratch the game disc. It is shown by 3 red lights where there should be green. In all communities, the Red Ring is more evil than Satan, the Anti-Christ and Khan (from Star Trek) combined. Other cults have been formed that worship the Red Ring, like those Satanists, but are persecuted on every imaginable forum on the net. You know you're reeeeaaaalllllyyyy sad when you get bagged out by nerds. The Red Ring also means that your X-Box 360 has acquired AIDS and transmitted it to everybody you've ever seen, including that prick in the mirror!
When you get "Red Ringed"
The Red Ring of Death is the most traumatizing time of your life if you are a hardcore nerd i.e twat. If you have a real life, you can cope because, if you're clever, you still have the receipt and can get it fixed. However, you own a console that relies entirely on multi-format games a 4th rate "exclusives", so when RROD strikes, you're fucked. The only cure for being "Red Ringed" is to Immerse you head in a bucket of water for 30 minutes or so. That way you will never have to suffer the indignity of RROD ever again and the rest of civilization will gain from you being removed from the gene pool.
In nerd communities, these people are laughed at mercilessly. This has created the "Curse of the Red Ring of Death", where those who laughed at a "Red Ringed-ee" get the dreaded ring when the original Red Ringed Xbox returns from repairs.
Who gets "Red Ringed"
“It will come. Resistance is futile. Bow down to it, and perhaps you will be spared.”
All Xboxes will be Red Ringed, especially those that try to play crapbox games. Bill Gates is smarter than the average bear. And he will try and snatch your pic-a-nic basket every now and then. But since he cant screw with you in real life he does it by planting a virus in your xbox called the Red Ring of Death. The statistical probability of Red Ring occurring breaks down as the following;
- Any Xbox 360 console = 100% chance of occurring
The red ring was invented by Bill Gates as a plot to force all xbox obsessed kids to yell at their systems and kill themselves. Luckily now they have nukes but the red ring is still hungry for your child's soul hahahahahaha.
- Elite (pronounced "L33t") Xbox 360 console = 25%+ chance
- Note: The likelihood of Red Ring of Death occurring is directly proportional to:
- The number of games owned (and hence $$$ spent)
- The number of hours spent playing games.
- The number of hours spent on Xbox Live.
- The amount of purchased content you own.
- The amount of child/bestial porn you do not have on your hard drive.
Upon hearing about the phenomenon of the Red Ring of Death (RROD) the Xbox 360 owner instantly becomes in danger of it occuring. Rumors exist that n00bs don't experience RROD. This is untrue, because in their n00bish state, they think they've connected 3 red controllers and reckon it's cool. If they're gangsta, they say "shizzle my nizzle" a few times, ring up their homies and bros and say it's "fully sick". Then they find out they can't play Saints Row and someone breaks it to them that they're not gangsta. Real gangstas play crapboxes.
n00bs and Gamers alike will instantly research everything they can about RROD using the unholy google. Approximately 1.32 minutes later they will discover that there is no hope. They bought a complete turd of a console and there is nothing they can do about it.
Online gaming is the realm of "serious" (i.e. deluded xBox 360 owners). Now when Red Ring of Death occurs, this can lead to expensive computer-related violence or furious bouts of wanking.
Mutations of the Ring
Like all good incurable conditions, the RROD will, depending on how much money you spend, mutate into a new and wholly unnatural form. There are 3 separate forms that it can assume, each one logarithmically worse than the last.
- The Quarter Ring: consisting of one red segment of the ring, this was believed to be an undeveloped form of the ring until gamers noticed the god-awful, retina-scorching ERROR message plastered on their screens. Please, for the love of all that is holy, keep your warranties up. Because if this appears, your sole option is to send the damn thing in for repair. [Translation: The guys at Xbox don't know what the hell this is and send you a new unit to shut you up and avoid legal action]
- The Half-Ring: Same look as above, minus the error message and it has two segments instead of one. Of course, I'm not telling you anything you haven't already figured out am I?
- The 3-Quarter Ring: Rarely seen if ever. In actuality when you see this it's over because it will make you a splode.
Unlike other mutations though, these variations on the RROD have virtually the same symptoms. You may additionally have the urge to huff something, or maybe kick a gnome, but generally the symptoms stay the same.
- The Full Ring The worst thing ever.
If you see a full red ring, run like hell. Your Xbox 360 will self-destruct in 25 seconds of the full ring appearing. Only Chuck Norris and God can save your Xbox. No... not even God, just Chuck Norris.