Recycling
“Is there any bigger waste of time?”
“Why recycle when you can uncycle?”
“Recycling helps make your used condoms into drinking fountains for third world children”
Recycling began as a psychological program used in developed countries to assuage guilt developed through association with consumerism. In the UK, it often refers to the process of taking all of the country's waste and putting it in several big holes called "third world countries" such as France.
Overview[edit | edit source]
In accordance with the law, this article contains 95% post-consumer recycled content. If you don’t think this article is useful, maybe you should do what you do at home, and go root around in the trash. Claims that this article will reduce the carbon emissions of the website currently remain unfounded, according to recent governmental reports.
Recycle Now![edit | edit source]
Recycling has evolved into a cult through the efforts of Native Americans to take revenge on the successful lumber industry, which promotes the growth of cities. Urban sprawl as you know is the most classic of Native American enemies. The Mostly Spotted Owl, the Male Pattern Bald Eagle, and the Carniferous Tree Rat were losing their habitats to deforestation. Oh you didn’t know that? Well, urban sprawl was to Native Americans as the nickel slots are to the Modern Indian, and I will comp drinks all night with these four rolls of nickels.
But since, of course, there is no such things as Native Americans in today's world, leading self-proclaimed experts consider recycling to be a dead art, especially with the heavy competition of the Lumber Industry. The Lumber industry takes waste very seriously. Their products should be deposited in a landfill, toilet, shallow grave or burned appropriately. Furthermore, after wasting their products, Lumber manufacturers recommend that you purchase more products to make up for that wasted.
Unlike that last boyfriend, or hooker in Vegas that you recycled, recycling guidelines indicate that defective and smelly items ought to be discarded rather than reused. Evidence supporting this idea can be seen in your mom and all the problems that arose because she was recycled too many times.
Against Recycling[edit | edit source]
Studies by leading t.v. psychics have confirmed that 100% of the goods recycled could be placed in a dumpster rather than a recycling bin. Yet millions of Americans every day decide to ignore the lonely trash can for the flashy recycling bin. By allowing trees to survive, not only are we creating an overabundance of hostile enemy trees, but we are also harming the lumber industry. The lumber industry is made up of red-blooded, good ole' Americans, and every time we recycle a piece of paper, millions of rednecks lose out on syrup money. Furthermore, the lack of lumberjacks coupled with the growth of trees could prevent mankind from achieving global domination over all the parts of the earth still controlled by the hostile squirrels and birds. Support mankind's warriors against nature, the lumberjacks, by throwing your paper products out the window while driving. Together we can win the fight against nature before nature even gets a chance to fight back!
The Recycler[edit | edit source]
Are there people around you who are Recyclers? Here is a walkthrough of the typical day of somebody addicted to recycling:
Wake up early, around 4 am to turn on the solar panels on their house before the sun rises. It is supposed to rain, you know what that means... weekly shower!!! After dancing around in the backyard with his bar of organic soap on a hemp rope. It's time to eat breakfast, mmmm... tree bark. It is election day, "time to do my part and go make a difference," he says to himself. After looking down the line of candidates, he immediately punches holes in all the paper slots straight down the line for the democratic candidates. He then goes to the check in counter to complain about how all the punch cards can be done away with to save 1 tree for every 500,000 ballots if we just did a public election using the Applause-o-meter. After being dismissed as a nutcase, it's time to attend a protest of the new deforestation in town to build some new condominiums. He grabs his chain and locks from home to secure himself up against a tree.
Meanwhile, back at home, his family seems to be putting the pieces together. Uncle Steve was about to throw a Pepsi can into the trash but then he thought about his crazy nephew that had a second bin in his kitchen and how they were "different." During a flashback to their last visit, Mom and Dad remember finding a recycling bin in their special little guy's bedroom under his underwear in the top drawer of his dresser. "WHY COULDN'T HE HAVE BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC!!!" screams Mom at the top of her lungs. "This may not be what it looks like," says Dad, but deep down, he knows.
Be sure to tune into "Day 2: The Intervention"
A Caveat[edit | edit source]
Although the great American Lumber Industry condemns recycling, it must also be admitted that it is more efficient to reuse certain materials than to discard them and manufacture replacements.
For example, an industry-standard Raytheon pine tree takes 30 years to reach harvestable size.
(We are speaking here of the Raytheon PTree2010®, part number FBR2003A of course and not the earlier slower-growing PT1995bn.)
This tree can be processed into approximately 0.15 standard vats of paper pulp, and 400 kilo-jowls of energy is consumed to do so. A further 13/17ths of a mega-jowl is consumed by packaging and distribution. And of course the advertising for the product is the most energy-intensive of all, consuming enough resources to feed Rwanda for a thousand years. (But the advertising is a necessary expense, as without it no one would buy anything—not even food—and the human race would perish.)
Analysing the economics of producing paper pulp one sees that it is much more sensible to simply reuse toilet paper than to flush it after the first use.