User:Ryan Woo-Ming

“Guybrush Threepwood burglarises cable!”

~ Paris Hilton on miscellanious dead things

“A very pretty thing am I, fluttering in the pale-blue sky. Delicate, fragile on the wing, indeed I am a pretty thing. What am I?”

~ Luís Miguel on dungeon

“1447 skillz! yeah!”

~ Totodile on onion rings

“What breaks when you say it? HELL!!!”

~ Mewtwo on 7:57 a.m.

“When pigs fly”

~ Oscar Wilde on pancakes

“What has a bottom at the top?”

~ Oscar Wilde on red wine

“PIECE OF CHICKEN SHIT”

~ Oscar Wilde on rakes

“Never resting, never still. Moving silently from hill to hill. It does not walk, run or trot, All is cool where it is not. What is it? DICKFACE!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on vincit qui se vincit

“Oscar Wilde”

~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde

“pistol”

~ Apr. on ur gay. lol

“larger”

~ Oscar Wilde on 1447!!

“In Soviet Russia, cable graphitises YOU!!”

~ Russian reversal on Tony Soprano

Behold the random image! IF YOU DARE!

baked baked

Click here to go to my Pee Review page.

What I do and don't speak

en N

This user is a native speaker of English.

en N

enr N

This user is a native speaker of Engrish.

enr N

es G

This user does not speak Español and believes it to be an embarrassment to language. Furthermore, this user desires the genocide of all Español speakers.

es G

ja 0

This user does not understand 日本語 (or understands it with considerable difficulties).

ja 0

MW 4

This user speaks MediaWiki at a near-native level.

MW 4

typo-0

This user does not understand Typo and hates people that speak it because they're all annoying foreigners.

1337

This user wishes they were elite.

1337

I am...

This user does not have a user page at Wikipedia because they think that they take things way too seriously over there.

18+

This user is an adult, and thus may or may not know what fun is.

18+

♂

This user is a boy and is made of trucks, trains, and airplanes.

♂

This user is right-handed. In Latin, they would be Dexter.

This user is adorable.

This user is a geek.

This user is a grue, and while you were reading this, has eaten you. Start over?

This user is American …and unabashedly proud of it! (List of American Uncyclopedians)

This user prefers to play games on a PC as anything else is too complex.

My favorite foods and drinks

This user has a fondness for Calamari.

Yes, I would like fries with that.

This user likes Jam. A lot.

This user eats M & M's.

This user loves pasta.

This user completely enjoys pie because it is awesome.

This user drinks so much milk, their bones can cut diamonds.

This user drinks water.

I will work for food.

My gaming interests and IQ

This user is addicted to video games.

This user is a Gamer and therefore creepy.

DIFF E

This user plays Video Games on the lowest difficulty setting available as winning makes them feel good about themselves.

DIFF M

This user plays Video Games on the default difficulty setting as they simply aren't good enough.

LV-1	This user considers themselves a n00b gamer and so probably doesn't know what 'noob' means.

LV-2	This user considers themselves an intermediate gamer and so probably has some sort of social life.

LV-3	This user considers themself an advanced gamer and so probably lost their job recently.

This user likes Super Mario.

This user is winking at you because they think you have gold coins. Give them your gold coins, okay?

This user kicks butt at Tetяis: not that that's anything to be proud of.

This user is a Nintendo fan.

This user plays the Wii U and thought it was the “new controller”. Probably.

What I use

This user uses Windows because they can't get enough of your lover.

This user uses Google Chrome, because it's GOOGLE.

This user's primary source of artwork is MS Paint.

My other interests

This user was brought to you by the letters J, K and the number π.

This user owns by one or more cats just so they can keep an eye on them.

This user owns one or more dogs as they need a cover for their stick fetish.

XD

This user is interested in comedy, and may enjoy writing or performing it.

XD

This user can see what you don't!

This user is a swimmer.

Other stuff related to me

This user knows the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

This user doesn't trust Wikipedia as far as they can throw it… but nonetheless use it on a daily basis.

This user is from California,


and brags about the nice weather.


After all, earthquakes aren't weather.

Redundant

usbx

This user likes to create userboxes.

usbx

Color

This user likes random colored userboxes.

Color

This user likes to use redundant userboxes.

Eeek!

This user steals userboxes from random people's user pages.

Eeek!

!

This user is an idiot who steals userboxes.

!

usbx

This user likes to use userboxes.

usbx

lots of

This user has lots of userboxes.

lots of

Irreverent

AAAAAAAAA!

AAAA AAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAA!

AAAAAAAAA!

This user's head A SPLODE.

This user is the random barbarous diet mouthwash that rinsed their vein inside of your diesel engines so you must distastefully steal them with a llama.

cCbBaA

.gnilleps drawkcab segaruocne resu sihT

cCbBaA

—

This space for rent.

—

bu-0	This user does not speak Bullet and may result in injury if does so.

This user does not know how to shot web.

This user gots a shovel. Yes they does.

INTERMISSION-THIS ARTICLE IS BORING!

Typical Scientist explaining Newton's Laws of Gravity..

Newtonian physics was invented by Sir Isaac Newton (who later referred to himself as "I suck" Newton). His parents were hippies and thought that it would be "cool" to spell his name with two a's. In a backlash against his parents laid back 'things just happen man, go with the flow' attitude, Newton invented physics. He used something called force (which his parents were against, because everything should be free man) and action (not as in 'sex' action, which his parents were all for man) to explain the fundamentals of how things work in the universe. This seriously pissed off hippies everywhere because all of a sudden life wasn't about freedom or free love, it was about all the things the hippies were rebelling against - stuff forcing other stuff to do stuff, total bummer man.

Newton invented three laws that essentially explained how things move (because they are forced). His most famous law says that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This definitely explains why people stopped having sex after physics was invented. It used to be: to every action there is an equal and opposite action that is the same. For example every man that wanted sex (action) there was an equal and opposite man (woman) that wanted the same thing. However thanks to Newton's most famous law, the situation is now: for every man that wants sex (action) there is an equal and opposite man (woman) that doesn't want sex (unless force is applied).

Introduction

Newtonian mechanics is the original version of physics, however it now comes in 12 varieties of cheese flavours. Sir Isaac Newton noticed people were being killed by apples which were falling in every direction, so he invented gravity to combat this deadly tree. After the invention of gravity apples now fall down, which still saves lives today. The only drawback of Newton's invention of gravity is falling anvils. Soon, Issac made a book that held the recipies for the 12 cheeses.

He also invented three laws that describe forces and motion in ways that disagree with hippies.

While Newton chose to present his work on physics in classical interpretive dance for acceptance, much of the work students are exposed to now-a-days is based on the calculus of infinitesimals. Infinitesimals are really fricken small, like infinity but opposite. Like virus particles they infect the brains of students and kill their love of mathematics - A love everyone is born with.

Background: Calculus

Newtown used calculus of infinitesimals (invented by some French guy who Newton killed in a bar fight) to express his invention of gravity and Newton's three laws. More specifically he employed Really Hard Calculus, however the basics of Hand Waving Calculus can be used to obtain a pass for most students.

Recipie:

1. Take $x_{i}$ where $i$ ranges over all possible values.

2. Infintesimalise $x_{i}$, that is, dice very finely with a sharp knife. It should be done such that $x_{i}$ is of no finite size.

3. Take one $\sum$ and mix with the infintesimalised $x_{i}$'s.

4. Leave for 5 minutes or until the sum $\sum x_{i}$ becomes the integral $\int {x_{i}}$.

5. Apply to Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry and Gardening as required.

Students should be sure that they can master infintesimals before moving onto Newtonian Physics, it is not an easy journey. Zeno likens it to walking between two objects: First walk half way, then walk half way of the remaining distance. Repeat infinitely many times. If you are a mathematician you will go insane, if you are a true physicist you will get half way and say "close enough". Survivors of this test are physicists and are ready to study the art form of fudging, otherwise known as 'approximation' or physics.

Newton's Three Laws

Newton invented the three laws of motion (as in sex motion... uh!) to describe how bodies interact in a very dry and unsexual style. Physicists come to really appreciate Newton's law of motion once their sex drive dries up and they stop dreaming about bodies interacting in a free love kind of way.

Newton's First Law of Motion:

Every object of desire in a state of uniform attractiveness tends to remain in that state of unattainability until an external force is applied to it. This can include, but is not limited to: Becoming rich, getting a face lift or becoming a backstreet boy.

This was totally ripped off from Galileo's concept of unattainability, and this is often referred to as the "Law of you only attract people from the same attractiveness scale unless force is applied".

Any object that comes in contact with Noel Coward continues to move, forever.

Newton's Second Law of Motion:

The relationship between an object's mass m, its attractiveness a, and the force that is needed to be applied in order to score with them, F is $F=ma$. Attractiveness and force can change over time and influence each other, mass however can only be changed by eating right and may not influence attractiveness or force, in cases like that, mass is viewed as a constant or having a 'dog head'.

This is the most powerful of Newton's three Laws, because it allows people to understand if they are ever going to get it on with someone hot (without the influence of drugs and free love now that the 70s are over).

Before the 70s it was visual attractiveness, $v$ and not attractiveness that determined who was getting laid. Aristotle was always getting into visually attractive people for a bit of action, without considering the role of frictional forces (like being a dickhead). Thanks to Newton, personality counts. This has helped many scientists get laid.

The relationship between a roundhouse kick and an object correspond with the will of Noel Coward

Recent researches have lead to a new formulae which has its importance in modern physics and eventually, adds a whole new set of actions in Newtonian Physics. Here you go: $F=pie.a$ This formulae states that for a force applied on a student, a $F=pie.a$ must be considered where $pie$ is the constant for homeworks to be done and $a$ the value of the quantity of homework given. This formulae is actually very well known in some part of the world where science and physics are revolutioning lives of some dozen students of the HSE level.

Newton's Third Law of Motion:

There is no force equal to a Noel Coward roundhouse kick.

This law is exemplified by what happens if you crack onto (action) a hot person before considering the ugly friend. You get left with the ugly friend and before you know it you are left face down in a gimp outfit screaming you're sorry for all the guys/ gals that didn't take them to the school dance (opposite reaction to what you wanted).

Newton's Law of Gravity

What goes up must come down.

Put simply, the forumla and equation for this is

$\int _{S}T_{i}^{(n)}dS+\int _{V}F_{i}dV=\int _{V}\rho {\frac {dv_{i}}{dt}}\,dV$

By definition the stress vector of gravity is $\ T_{i}^{(n)}=\sigma _{ij}n_{j}$, then

$\int _{S}\sigma _{ij}n_{j}\,dS+\int _{V}F_{i}\,dV=\int _{V}\rho {\frac {dv_{i}}{dt}}\,dV$

Using the Divergence theorem to convert a surface integral to a volume integral gives to downward force of mass.

$\int _{V}\sigma _{ij,j}\,dV+\int _{V}F_{i}\,dV=\int _{V}\rho {\frac {dv_{i}}{dt}}\,dV$

For an arbitrary volume the integrand itself must be zero, and we have the momentum equation.

$\sigma _{ij,j}+F_{i}=\rho {\frac {dv_{i}}{dt}}$

If a system is in equilibrium, the change in momentum with respect to time is equal to 0, as there is no acceleration or loss of mass.

$\sum {\mathbf {F} }={\mathrm {d} \mathbf {P} \over \mathrm {d} t}=\ M\mathbf {a} _{cm}=0$

This is further explained in the Isaac Newton page of uncyclopedia.

Corrections to Newtonian Mechanics

Newton's theory of motion still couldn't explain the motion of really, really small objects (like if there is a guy with a small penis, his father must have had a small penis and somehow got laid? How did that happen?). Physicists discovered that this all has to do with taste, and so Quantum Cheddardynamics was invented to describe the behavior of really, really small things. Quantum Cheddardynamics is the physical theory describing the fundamental flavours and methods via which The 12 Fundamental Cheeses and 3 Noble Cheeses interact with and manipulate upon the universe (taken from Quantum Cheddardynamics). As the saying goes: "It's not how big it is, but how you taste it".

In fact

$F_{really\ small\ object}=m_{fundamentalcheese}$ x $\hbar$ x $t$

where $\hbar$ is Plank's Constant: the amount of cheese one can balance on a plank of wood before the plank begins to taste really good, and $t$ = taste.

As objects get smaller and smaller, interactions are no longer influenced by attractiveness or mass, but by taste and the mass of the fundamental cheese the object consists of. This explains how slugs get it on, because they are Ug-Leeeeeeeeeeee! They are however made completely of Brie which is really, really tasty.

Einstein's Corrections

Einstein came up with the formula:

$E=\hbar \nu$

to correct Newtonian Physics. This was a major breakthrough which explained the 'sleaze anomaly'. The sleaze anomaly was not supported by Newtonian physics, as a sleaze has nothing to offer anyone, and their persistence in trying to score is downright annoying. Einstein's formula says the energy, $E$, one must input in order to score is directly proportional to the frequency $\nu$ of attempts. This is why sleazes get action despite Newton's third law.

Note of course, that this is for Quantum objects (small willies ladies!!!) so never ever go with a sleaze no matter how long it's been!

Laws of Graduation

Newton is also famous for his three laws of graduation.

1. A grad student in procrastination tends to stay in procrastination unless an external force is applied to it.[1]
2. The age, 'a', of a doctoral process is directly proportional to the flexibility, 'f', given by the adviser and inversely proportional to the student's motivation, 'm'. [2]
3. For every action towards graduation there is an equal and opposite distraction. [3]

See also

• Isaac Newton
• Calculus
• Quantum Cheddardynamics
• 12 Fundamental Cheeses
• Newton's Laws of Motion
  We now return to our regularly scheduled jokes, already in progress....

Zork Memories (The Zork Backstage Pass!!!)

Zork

This user edits the Zork trilogy.

Zork

My Trophies

Z

This user has found the Twenty Treasures of Zork and beaten Zork: The Great Underground Empire.

Z

Z2

This user has united the Golden Egg of Arkora and beaten Zork 2: Gruel and Unusual Punishment.

Z2

Z3

This user has saved the Beautiful Princess Rosemary and beaten Zork 3: The Dungeon Master.

Z3

Recent changes to Zork 1

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Recent changes to Zork 2

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My other favorite featured articles from the 1st 10 years of Uncyclopedia, in chronological order

2005... (The year that started it all!)

• All Your Base Are Belong To Us/Example on wheels! (3/25/05)
• RTFM (3/28/05)
• Pong! the Movie (4/20/05)
• Lie (4/26/05)
• English-American Dictionary (5/19/05)
• The Oldest Trick in the Book (5/27/05)
• Idiotic Table of the Elements (6/2/05)
• Aesop's Fables (6/24/05)
• Greatest Inventions (6/30/05)
• Banned from the Internet (7/3/05)
• Banana Phone (7/23/05)
• Raccoon Tail v. Super Mario Cape (8/14/05)
• List of weapons that don't exist, but should (8/31/05)
• iPod Nano 200gb Instructions (9/29/05)
• Missing milk (10/2/05)
• Redundancy (10/11/05)
• Crimes inspired by video games (10/15/05)
• AAAAAAAAA! (10/21/05)
• -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . (10/29/05)
• Alternate Universes I Seriously Hope Do Not Actually Exist (10/31/05)
• IPod yocto (12/12/05)

2006... (The Golden Year of Uncyclopedia)

• Alternative medicine (1/1/06)
• Alliteration (1/8/06)
• VCR Manual (2/5/06)
• Writer's block (3/3/06)
• Do NOT click any links! (4/3/06)
• Insert title here (5/6/06)
• UnBooks:Adventure gamebook (6/7/06)
• Calvin and Hobbes (6/23/06)
• UnBooks:See Dick (6/29/06)
• Super Smash Bros.: Xtreme Beach Volleyball (7/3/06)
• Speech to text software (7/9/06)
• Grue (7/11/06)
• Command Line (7/17/06)
• Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 (7/25/06)
• Adobe Potatochop (8/2/06)
• Pixellated Face Disease (9/3/06)
• Lost in Translation (9/5/06)
• Disneyland (9/21/06)
• UnBooks:Horton Hires a Ho (10/14/06)
• Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice (11/13/06)
• Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 (11/27/06)
• Internet Movie Database (12/7/06)
• 001 (12/11/06)
• HowTo:Cheat At Scrabble (12/13/06)
• Garfield (12/22/06)
• IQ:Sample test (12/31/06)

2007... (The Other Golden Year of Uncyclopedia)

• My Journeys with the GPS (1/8/07)
• Me (1/15/07)
• AAA (1/26/07)
• List of one letter words starting with A (2/11/07)
• You Are Dead (2/13/07)
• Google Middle Earth (2/17/07)
• Movie Trailer Announcer Guy (3/4/07)
• HowTo:Cook While Drunk (3/6/07)
• HowTo:Cut Your Own Head Off With a Chainsaw (3/10/07)
• Dyslexia (3/14/07)
• Grue's Clues (3/24/07)
• Ye Olde Webbe Desyne Shoppe (4/3/07)
• Grand Theft Audio (5/15/07)
• A Visit with your Psychopathic Grandmother (7/3/07)
• UnBooks:Employee Manual (8/3/07)
• HowTo:Play Russian Roulette (8/5/07)
• UnGames:Pick Up the Phone Booth and Aisle (8/15/07)
• Blue Screen of Death (8/23/07)
• Why?:Remove Your Penis (9/3/07)
• UnScripts:Dora the Explorer: The Movie (9/12/07)
• Mental illness (10/8/07)
• UnScripts:Emergency Room (12/19/07)
• Why?:Stick Things in the Electrical Outlet (12/26/07)

2008... (The Pun Invasion et al. BEEP was also my favorite.)

• UnBooks:Life as a 4⅝ Year Old (2/25/08)
• Please delete this page (3/19/08)
• G Rated Talking Animal Movie (4/5/08)
• UnBooks:The Last Little Pig (4/7/08)
• The Daily Show (4/30/08)
• UnBooks:A Day In The Life Of A Redirect (7/10/08)
• UnScripts:Genesis, Episode II: In the Garden of Eden (7/31/08)
• UnBooks:Beep (8/10/08)
• Playstation 4 (8/17/08)
• UnBooks:Captain's Blog (8/27/08)
• The Pun Invasion of Uncyclopedia (9/11/08)
• HowTo:Drive a train (9/16/08)
• The Incredible Adventures of MS PAINTMAN! (9/19/08)
• Are you colour-blind? (9/24/08)
• UnBooks:An Uncyc Ban Diary (10/13/08)
• Michael Bay (11/13/08)

2009... (The Microsoft Knowledge Base article's funny here.)

• Billy Mays (1/22/09)
• Elevator (2/13/09)
• Drill sergeant (3/26/09)
• Trogdor the Burninator (4/21/09)
• History of Google (5/6/09)
• HowTo:Build the Perfect Sandcastle (5/7/09)
• UnBooks:Great Abridged Pop Songs (6/24/09)
• LazyTown (7/16/09)
• Yellow (8/1/09)
• UnScripts:Star Wars (2010) (8/17/09)
• UnScripts:Pixar: An Introduction for Uncyclopedians (8/30/09)
• The Asylum-Seeker's Guide to Visiting McDonald's (10/12/09)
• Samuel L. Vacuum (10/13/09)
• Microsoft Knowledge Base (11/25/09)
• UnBooks:Gone Fishing (11/29/09)
• The Pirate Bay (11/30/09)
• Your estimate of how long to reheat the lasagna (12/25/09)

2010... (I'd call this the Dark Age except for Chatroulette and these other articles.)

• HowTo:Handle Flashing Your Vagina in Public (2/28/10)
• Lateral thinking puzzle (3/16/10)
• McDonland (3/17/10)
• A wizard did it (4/28/10)
• You're Screwed (5/2/10)
• Chatroulette (5/14/10)
• Hello there! I'm a kite, and I will ruin your day! (6/18/10)
• HowTo:Survive the Titanic (7/11/10)
• Traffic sign (8/6/10)

2011... (The return to true Uncyclopedia humor even for the 2012 phenomenon...)

• God's answering service (1/13/11)
• UnBooks:Let's take a walk in the city! (1/30/11)
• Blockbuster (2/14/11)
• BabyTV (2/20/11)
• Why?:Categorise pages (4/22/11)
• Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion (4/23/11)
• Milton Babbitt (4/26/11)
• 2012 phenomenon (5/31/11)
• Ice cream truck (6/16/11)
• Visual puns (6/23/11)
• Inbox (7/3/11)
• Hypnotist (7/15/11)
• Unobtanium (8/12/11)
• Why?:IPs can't edit the main page (8/16/11)
• Negative potato (8/17/11)
• UnTunes:Uncyclopedia Didn't Start The Fire (9/22/11)
• Subliminal stimuli (10/3/11)
• Pac-Man (walkthrough) (10/25/11)
• HowTo:Milk a Cow (11/6/11)

2012... (Another pretty crappy year.)

• UnBooks:My Tedious Day (1/13/12)
• God's userpage (2/19/12)
• UnReviews:Milk (4/14/12)
• 0.999... (7/4/12)
• Twitter (8/23/12)
• Snips, snails and puppy dog tails (8/28/12)
• Disney (9/4/12)
• Why?:Your cat died (12/13/12)

2013... (The year when Uncyclopedia moved away from Wikia for the 1st time.)

• I want a cookie (1/17/13)
• Get-rich-quick scheme (4/2/13)
• Snakes on a Plane (4/12/13)
• Don't judge a book by its cover (4/29/13)
• 9-11 according to a 5 year old (7/4/13)
• HowTo:Wash the Dishes (7/10/13)
• Katy Perry Hit Generator (7/28/13)
• Constitution of the United States (actual text) (9/4/13)
• Why?:Revert the administrators (9/10/13)
• You don't want to know (9/17/13)
• Cafeteria food (9/20/13)
• Vader v. Vader (9/21/13)
• Twm (10/17/13)
• Why?:My homework was late (11/15/13)
• Page title (11/30/13)
• HowTo:Know if you're right brained or left brained (12/5/13)
• Homework (12/16/13)

2014... (The last best year of Uncyclopedia humor.)

• UnBooks:My school day (1/15/14)
• Content-free (1/19/14)
• The Speck of Dust Next to My Keyboard (2/2/14)
• This is not an article (4/26/14)
• Why?:We Can't Have Nice Things (5/16/14)
• Bread machine (6/13/14)
• F4 (8/19/14)
• UnDebate:What does the fox say? (8/26/14)
• HowTo:Repair a broken smartphone (8/31/14)