Spanish language

Espanish opens up a new world of people to talk to, for as long as choo have change in choor pocket.

“Soy? You mean like the sauce?”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse. Wait there's more: English to my gay lover, Japanese to my robot, Mandarin to my favorite takeaway and jive to my bitches. ”

~ Charles V of the Holy Roman Empire

“¡Cuatro Cinco!”

~ Two numbers said in Spanish. Or, four beaners sinking in quicksand

The Spanish language, more commonly known as El Dorito Lanquisto, he is a estandardized international code devised by crack dealers.

Though preseñt on all contineñts, his largest base are belong to Mexico, and his subcontiñents, such as the Uñiteds Estates. I tell choo another thing, he is espoken in much of North America, but not Canada. (She speaks English and Loser.) Choo are ñot laughing at Canadians now, ¿truth? Sometimes he is espoken in Europe by guys who want to learn the lañguage, go oil drilliñg, or become a Marxist guerrilla, or are the original Españiards. (Yes, estupid Americans, Espain is in Europe!) He is also espoken in Holyoke, Massachusetts, Burger King, and the terrorist estate of Equatorial Guinea.

Historical Origiñs

Espanish derives himself from Latin, as espoken in the Roman Empire. At the length of much time, High Latin gave way to Middle Latin, to Low Latin, to Vulgar Latin, and finally to Really potty-mouthed Latin.

Although dropping many features of historical Latin, Espanish added its own flourishes. The most part of these are expressions regarding homosexuality, oral sex, and the occupation of one's mother.

Structure

An ad in Spanish

Gender

In Espanish, all the things have a gender, even things that no have penises or vaginas at all. So Espanish is a language, he has words, but each word, she has a gender.

In Espanish, the male gender overrides the female gender. So when an Espanish-espeaking person ask choo about choor "fathers," it is not in the sense of Heather Had Two Mommies; is actually inquiring as to choor father and choor mother.

Espanish makes gender easy, however. Masculine nouns all end in o, such as la mano (the hand), and feminine nouns all end in a, such as el idioma (the language).

The second person

In addition, Espanish has absolutely no word for "choo." Choo have two alternatives:

• Usted, which literally means Choor Bountiful Mercy, and
• Tú (Thou), or Little Buddy.

If it's God and Jesús, you treat him with usted, Estuffed animals are treated with tú. For everyone in between, which one choo use depends on the esize of choor estones, and on who pwned whom last.

The other thing is that usted is not the second person at all, but the third person. "¿What does choor Bountiful Mercy want?" So when someone says, "He is a dick," he might not mean he, he might mean choo--but only if he really respects choo.

Argentinians please ignore all of the above; not because choo are never dicks, but because choo do everything differently, including democracy and currency.

In the Uniteds Estates

Espanish is espoken by the following groups of Americans:

1. Illegal aliens.
2. Espanish teachers in eschool. (Also see #1.) They got to be teachers not because of a quota (well, not entirely because of it) but because they have a college degree from back home, though no one can read the diploma.
3. Espanish estudents in eschool. Most of these are estudent athletes who need at least one easy course in order to estay on the team.
4. Estaff of English as a Second Language (ESL). (Also see #1.) ESL teaches kids in Espanish so they can learn faster. Even if they are from Cambodia or India. And so they can never learn at all, without more ESL estaff forever.
5. Escantily-clad babes you see on Telemundo and Univisión. ¿Wouldn't choo enjoy this television better if choo knew what they were saying? I guess not.

Illegal aliens no longer want to conquer California, Texas, and Arizona, because they know they can't run them, given that Latinos can't run the 30 countries they already run. But wider use of Espanish will create confusion that will make it feel more like home.

In Espain

Espanish, he is also espoken in Espain. Espain, she has done uññatural things to Espanish to make it harder for emigrañts from Latin America to move there.

Using Espanish

Espeaking

Espanish teaches himself in every high school, welfare center, hospital, City Council meeting, and polling place. There are few esounds in the language, nor words, and the words are mostly derived from, and resemble, one another. So choo will learn it in no time.

Unfortunately, the simplicity of the language means that natives espeak it at about four times the espeed of either choo or choor teacher. It is as though choo listened to water dripping and the real world is Ñiagara Falls.

Fortunately, when you find choo cannot understand anything, choo can lapse back to English, and just add an "oh" sound to the end of each word. (This is like Chinese except that choo add "ee.") When the Latinos fail to do anything choo tell them to do, choo can feel esatisfied that they are all simply estupid. Choo are the esmart one, not wasting any more time on that language.

Escribing

Espanish is just as easy to write. There is no x (except in Latin America) or w. There are odd little eslashes and esquiggles on top of letters, but choo can add these at rañdom.

Looking estuff up in the dictionary

Avoid this altogether. Because Espanish words aren't listed in alphabetical order. They make the rules up as they go along.

Espanish people

The typical Espanish movie genre of superheroes is a great way to learn about Latin America.

Espanish people enjoy ham and wine, which is why they are always asleep during the early afternoon. This ritual, commonly known as "esleeping-off the hangover", is known by the Espanish word siesta.

When in doubt whether a guy is Espanish or not, bring along a bull. A true Espanish guy will estab the bull. This is a reflex in Espanish brains, dating back to when the first Espaniard had an affair with a bull that ended badly (for the Espaniard). They now wreak their vengeance on these esweet furries. For example, Espanish traditionally kill a bull whenever things go wrong in football.

To determine the "gender" of Espanish guys, the women wear long flamenco dresses and sing and dance the Seville-ness in the estreets. Men usually wear pink, eskin-tight pants and black ballet shoes with a weird esequin hat.

The ordinary Espanish guy eats ham while watching football, then dances the Seville-ness and honors sangria, the national drink and only export, often killing another bull.

Espanish society is divided, politically and economically, between fans of FC Barcelona and those who worship Real Madrid. This led to three civil wars in the 19th century, and was also the cause of the First World War.

Espaniards may soon go the way of the Dodo due to the outbreaks of Espanish fly in Western Europe.

Useful phrases

• Mi casa es tu casa.- Please ransack my home, take my women. Freeload, and bring your friends too!.
• Ahora lo hago.- I will do this tommorrow. Or three months from now. Or never at all.
• Ahora te pago.- I will pay you back tommorrow. Or three months from now. Or never at all.