Spanish language

Spanish opens up a whole new world of idiots for you to talk to

“Soy? You mean like the sauce?”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, German to my horse, English to my gay lover, Japanese to my robot, Mandarin to my favorite takeaway, and jive to my bitches.”

~ Charles V of the Holy Roman Empire

The Spanish language, also known as El Dorito Lanquisto, is essentially Latin for retards. It is spoken in an indeterminate and unknowable number of different countries and is the misery of high school students worldwide. While there are many dialectal forms, the official language is decreed by the rich dudes at the Real Academia Española (RAE). The language is spoken by Shakira, that dude named Jose who lives on a bench down the street and around the corner, and at least 2 other people. Spanish includes many weird and nonsensical things, like flipping punctuation marks so we can still read if gravity ever turns off. It even decides to go and break its own rules in many cases. The Spanish language has managed to sentence itself to imprisonment for 3291 years because the yo form of saber is sé.

Historical Origins

Over time Classical Latin gave way to Late Latin, which in turn gave way to Low Latin, then to Vulgar Latin, and finally to Really Potty-Mouthed Latin. Somewhere along the way it shat out Spanish. Spanish then had a little encounter with Arabic, but the Catholics killed every one of them in a great big crusade so no more Islam.

Although Spanish has lost much of the complex beauty of Latin, it did add its own special flourishes. These mostly being novel terms for homosexuals, oral sex, and various occupations of one's mother.

Structure

An ad in Spanish

Gender

In Spanish everything has a gender, even objects that have no penises or vaginas at all. In addition, the language is notoriously non-inclusive towards female ice cream, as all ice cream is considered male.

It's easy enough to figure it out, though. Masculine nouns all end in o, such as mano 'hand', and feminine nouns all end in a, such as idioma 'language'. Of course then this is all thrown out the window because there are 3748234783294 exceptions. Agua 'water' is male, Canción 'song' is female, and you 'the person reading this' is gay.

The second person

Nobody knows how to directly address someone else in Spanish, not even native speakers. Tú? Usted? Fucking vos? Sort yourselves out you bloody cunts.

Distribution

United States

Spanish is spoken by the following groups of Americans:

1. Illegal aliens
2. Luchadors
3. ESL staff
4. Justin Bieber
5. Crack dealers

Spain

At some point Spanish was brought over into Europe as well by some weird aliens from Mars.

Using spanish

Speaking

To find native speakers to practice with just leave out a packet of cocaine in your backyard and wait a couple of hours. You won't really be able to understand them but you can make do with hand gestures and the words cabron and esta chingada.

Writing

Spañish is básically written the way it's proñounced. There are odd little sláshes and squiggles oñ top of some letters but ñobody really knows what they do, so just go with your intuición here.

Looking words up in the dictionary

Avoid this altogether. Dictionaries are for fucking losers.

Greetings

Sometimes Spanish people will greet you with “Hola, Como estas?” Or “Hola, Como te llamas?”. Recently scientists have been able to decode the sentences to finally understand what the Spanish people are saying. We already know that Hola means hello, but they figured out that “Como” means “eat” and llamas means what you think…. Llamas (alpaca). We don’t yet know what estas means but we know “te” probably means “the”. using this info, we can figure out that “Hola, Como estas” means “hello, eat estas” and “Hola, Como te llamas” means “hello, eat the llamas” so Spanish people people probably like to eat llamas… maybe that’s why they colonized Peru?

Spanish people

Spanish porn is a great way to practice your oral skills

Latinos enjoy consuming ham, wine and possibly llamas which is why they are always asleep during the early afternoon. This daily ritual is known as a siesta.

Their gender can be determined by their manner of dress. Men usually wear pink tights, black ballet shoes, and sequin hats while the women wear top hats and thick mustaches.

Spanish society is divided, politically and economically, between fans of FC Barcelona and those who worship Real Madrid. This is a topic best avoided as it has led to several shootouts, six armed rebellions, and both world wars. Barcelona is totally better though, fuck Real.

Useful phrases

• Ahora lo hago - I will do this tommorrow. Or three months from now. Or never at all.
• Ahora te pago - I will pay you back tomorrow. Or three months from now. Or never at all.
• Como te llamas - Eat the llamas
• Como estas - Eat estas (we don’t know what estas means yet)

French