Don't judge a book by its cover
Don't judge a book by its cover. Even if the cover is of someone masturbating, you'll never know if it's good until you read it. However, you should actually never read a book with someone playing with themselves on the cover. That is an exception. But that's beyond the point. What if the book you picked up at the library while you were looking for a good book to enjoy was called Tom's Bicycle and had a picture of a rock on it? BORING. But when you were finished with reading it, you thought to yourself, "Damn that book was fine!" Well, that's why you should never ever set a book down because of its cover. Unless, of course, it is of someone masturbating. Seriously, such a creepy book. It really sucked, drawing conclusions from the cover.
Twilight
A lot of men don't like to read the vampire-sensational classic Twilight. I can relate to this. I mean, a picture of an apple? Seriously? An apple is a very boring subject. Once I saw my friend pick up Twilight with no background knowledge of the book, and saw the apple. He then was like "Apples? Not for me." Then he just set the book down! Unbelievable! That was a big mistake on his part! He really loves vampire stories! He also loves romance!
Luckily, I managed to sprint with all of my might towards him, body check him into the ground and hold him down like as if I were caging an animal! I pulled him up off the floor, and grabbed his front collar. I pulled him back to the book and read the following from the novel:
- "Softly he brushed my cheek, then held my face between his marble hands. 'Be very still,' he whispered, as if I wasn't already frozen. Slowly, never moving his eyes from mine, he leaned toward me. Then abruptly, but very gently, he rested his cold cheek against the hollow at the base of my throat."
Boy, was he ever grateful! He couldn't thank me enough!
Algebra
I can understand someone setting down a book full of algebraic equations. I, myself, consider this boring. The first time I encountered Linear Algebra Without Applications For Idiots was back in ninth grade, when my brother happened to pick up the book due to his fear of algebra. Algebra is a difficult subject for some, so there's nothing wrong with using it as an academic-helper. But why would one simply pick it up for the fun of reading it? I know I sure wouldn't.
But by making it humorous, there are benefits in reading the book for other non-school purposes! I rearranged a word problem and I made it say this:
- Vince goes to the candy store and buys three goody crunch bars, ten fruit-ilicious rolls, five ho-hos, and fifteen licorice sticks. Vince put the newly purchased candy into a baggy. If Vince puts his hand into the baggy and randomly draws five candies, how much kids will he get in his van?
Good times, man, good times.
Green Eggs and Ham
Green Eggs and Ham is a personal favorite. Not only is the book a classic, but it makes me want to rot my eggs and ham just to "go green" and eat like a king! Dr. Seuss would love it. Don't get me wrong, I've eaten green colored food before, just ask your mother. And no, this is not a your mom joke. That is so 2004.
Basically, like all Dr. Seuss books, Green Eggs and Ham is a slapstick comedy. Green Eggs and Ham delivers twice as much as Horton Hires a Ho, three times as much as The Cat in the Hat, four times as much as How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and five times as much as The Lorax! It was epic, how he denied Sam I Am all of those possibilities to eat the colored food. Amazing!
I know, I know. I know why you never read that book growing up. I know. Your first reaction was, "Why is this egg and ham combination green?" That is exactly what the great but late Dr. Seuss never got the chance to explain.
The green eggs and ham were regular eggs and ham, until they went through a horrific science experiment. Yes, the same one that the Incredible Hulk went through. But, instead of needing to become angry to go green, the eggs and ham simply require Sam I Am to fail in the art of selling food to grumpy guys.
- Would you eat them in a box? Would you eat them with a fox? Not in a box. Not with a fox. Not in a house. Not with a mouse. I would not eat them here or there. I would not eat them anywhere. I would not eat green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
This guy woke up on the wrong side of the bed!
The Bible
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Oh, come on! If Jesus loves you, why are you doubting whether you should or should not return some of that love? Is it that you don't know how? Or is it that you don't know when? How about where? Let me answer these three questions for you! You'll be on your knees kissing my feet in gratefulness! I know you will!
- You read the Bible to return love to Jesus, since he lent you some love in the first place. Silly goose.
- Anytime is Jesus Time!
- At a church, or anywhere that Satan and evil aren't present. Be gone spawns of Satan!
Okay, now for assurance, I'll read some with you!
- "When the LORD began to speak through Hosea, the LORD said to him, 'Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the LORD'."
- ~(Hosea 1:2)
Wow, prostitution – in the fucking Bible? I mean ... what would Jesus do?
Fifty Shades of Grey
Fifty Shades of Grey? Never read it. But ... nah. I'll pass. It's probably about some boring list. Anyway fifty? Screw that! Peace out home-dawgs!
LESSON: ALWAYS JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS TITLE BECAUSE YOU MAY JUST END UP SCARRING YOUR PRECIOUS SOUL TO THE POINT WHERE READING THE BIBLE WON'T ENABLE JESUS TO CLEANSE YOU AND WHAT YOU'VE WITNESSED!
See also
