HowTo:Wash the Dishes
We've all been there:[1] The dishes are slowly piling up on the sink, the cutlery drawer is empty, this morning you ate breakfast from a saucepan, the smell that emanates from the kitchen is comparable to the odour of durian mixed with sweaty socks, your friends have stopped dropping by, and the cockroaches have placed a flag on the peak of the filth and declared it their nation.[2]
Never fear! Uncyclopedia's HowTo section is here to help! Well at the very least, it is going to present you with a method so you can help yourself, because you're certainly not passing that job on to me!
Step 1: Identify
Dirty Dishes can be found in a variety of locations.
- The kitchen bench If you haven't been able to see your kitchen bench for a while, chances are the stuff that is on top of it needs to be washed up (or thrown out).
- The cooktop Remember that Spaghetti Bolognese you cooked last Friday and only ate half of it? Well, the rest is still there.
- Computer desk Yes, there are dishes there, but you may have to look under the chip packets and beer cans. You disgusting slob.
- Coffee table Tired of watching TV looking over the top of plates filled with half eaten Indian food? This will be your lucky day/week/fortnight/month.
- Next to, underneath, or in your bed Do you make a habit of this? Unless it was the breakfast-in-bed you cooked this morning for your one night stand last night, you, sir/madam ... are gross.
Dishes can also be separated into distinct "qualities" of cleanliness.
- Practically Clean Why did you use ten glasses today? And was it necessary to use that plate simply to put the plastic container of salsa dip upon it? These are not the questions we are here to find out; however, it means that many of your dishes are almost clean already! Yay!
- A Few crumbs To be honest, if you wiped the crumbs off and put the dish back in the draw, would anyone really notice? Well, yes, you would. And I don't feel like having you blame me for food poisoning anyway, so let's move on.
- Icky Goop is unpleasant. You feel a little bad about washing it down the sink, but it certainly can't go in the bin, unless you want a whole 'nother drama when it comes to emptying the bin later that day/week/fortnight/month.
- Smelly "Oh god make it stop" stuff The smell is indescribable. So much so, that I won't. It
speaksreeks for itself. - Crusty There's a good chance that many of your dishes and cutlery have developed a hard-stuck crust that even the dog refuses to lick off. (Step 3 is a must for these.)
Step 2: Collate
Collect all the dishes from the various locations and collate them in the kitchen. This may require some tricky balancing and jenga-like maneuvers of items already there.
If you have a small kitchen, or a ridiculous plethora of dirty dishes that makes stacking impossible, don't forget that the floor and the dining table are both valid surface areas to store them. Also, avoid the compulsion of stacking them in "out of sight" places like kitchen cupboards and the oven.
If you are feeling ambitious, attempt to sort the varieties of dirtiness into groups. This will not only make your life easier in the future, but it has the added benefit of potentially making your family and friends question whether your OCD is out of control and you need committing, which would thereby allow you to avoid the entire problem completely.
Step 3: Soak
- Soaking allows the crusty and hard stuck stuff to become ... well, less crusty and less stuck.
- Soaking allows some extra "conscience free" time wastage before step 4 commences.
Note that some choose to skip this step (often resulting in domestic violence), while others choose to do ONLY this step (leading to a high turnover of new flatmates). Both strategies are deprecated.
Step 4: Procrastinate
There are many ways to do this, and writing an Uncyclopedia article is by far the most effective. However, if you do not have the time or creativity required, consider Lolcats.
Step 5: Denial
After a certain period of time procrastination simply won't cut it any more. You have one of three options. Either hide the dishes, hide from the dishes, or pretend the dishes don't exist. If you have a spare bedroom, consider moving the dishes in there. If you have a psychological issue, pretend the dishes don't exist, and tell yourself that pixies stole them. If you are a bit of a handyman, build a wall around the kitchen and live on takeaway instead. If you are a druggo, just use the dishes as they are – no one will know or care. If your mother lives nearby, move in with her for a while, and hopefully someone will clean the dishes while you are away. Feel free to be creative with this step!
Step 6: Seek alternative solutions
If you have attempted all the previous steps and have still failed to have your dishes cleaned, you may need to consider some alternate options.
- Switch off the lights in the kitchen. For daytime solutions a large bedsheet could be used as a throw rug.
- Call a successful friend and create an elaborate sob-story. Tell him/her that you have just overcome a drug abuse problem, or that your wife ran off with your best friend, or whatever, but make it GOOD. Then ask something of him that may help clean your dishes. If they are a scientist, ask them to build a cleaning robot, if they are an insurance salesman, ask them for the best method to run a truck into your house and then have everything claimed on insurance, and if they run a cleaning business ... um, well, you'll think of something.
- If pests have become a problem consider using other animals to control the situation. For cockroaches, small lizards will do the trick. For a small lizard infestation, consider rats. For a rat infestation, cats will make short work of them. For a cat situation, consider a snake. For a snake infestation, consider a variant of the "De-Snake a Plane" method.
- Consider selling the house (as-is).
- If the house is not yours (e.g., squatting) consider burning it.
Notes
