Elton John

Elton John on stage, 2008.

Sir Elton Hercules John, CBE (born Reginald Kenneth Dwight; 25 March 1947) is an English singer, composer and pianist. Considered one of the world's foremost singer-songwriters, he has been knighted for his services to the Queendom. He is also considered to be next in line for the Throne of England.

Early Years

His first claim to fame was in one of the first Coronation Street episodes as a passing gay at the Rovers. Later, after proving priceless work experience, he broke in to the music industry and was recognised by many people (including his mum). The pair of them bought his CD, making his profits rise into the tens of pounds.

Life Gets Benter

On New Year's Eve, in the year of the flying tree squirrel, a drunken Elton John was seen straddling a turkey, wearing only granny knickers and a frying pan sellotaped around his midriff, using sellotape and not grease, which was the most common adhesive of the era. On his turkey, he rode through the streets of Watford screaming 'I love you Dave, I really do!' Dave was later revealed to be the turkey’s name. Dave was spared from being killed for the dinner table the following Christmas, and now shares Elton’s mansion (built with baboon royalties), and looks forward to inheriting the glorious abode at the event of Elton’s death.

The Pigeon Incident

Elton chokes on a pigeon toe

In Yorkshire, the famous pigeon-Noel (incorrectly named ESP by a drunken hobo) was proclaimed to be the missing link in the evolution of pigeon to man having been blessed with 5 toes. However in a fight over a park bench with local upcoming celebrity- Elton John, he lost one of these toes in an Ozzy Osbourne like incident (it was bitten off by Elton). Elton was later given the prestigious title of Pigeon Mouth and hated by pigeon lovers throughout the 7 seas.

The pigeon defacated on Elton’s pie which happened to be cooling on the bench beside him. Elton received a scratched eye for the trouble he took to dislodge the toe from the foot, hence leaving him to wear horrendous glasses for the rest of his days. This was mostly due to the fact he couldn't yet afford to visit his local Specsavers and he actually did enjoy wearing the stupid glasses found in the pound-basket of a nearby Oxfam. To try to repair his damaged reputation in the pigeon world, he resorted to selling 2nd hand Christmas trees off the back of his glitter spray painted moped. All proceeds went straight to a newly set up charity for the protection of pigeon toes (PPT).

Unicorns

Unicorns are said to make their home on Elton’s property- others say this is an urban myth. Coincidently, Elton contributes towards the fastest growing glue works this side of Dartmoor. Due to his generous donations, Elton's grand mansion is conglomerated entirely of Elmer’s unicorn glue, which they promise isn't made of Unicorns or Geese.

It is also said that Elton likes to play 'hoop the loop' with "chocolate doughnuts" and unicorns horns, another reason why he allows the unicorns to graze on his estate.

To this day it is believed that Elton enjoys making many independent films involving his prized unicorns.

Life gets Even Benter

His short life was cut shorter by a short person. He happened to be taking part in a high end panto at the time. Despite this, he has been seen in Manchester's Canal Street and at Kylie concerts.

"Death"

During production of the music video for "Merry Christmas" (an English translation of the classic Christmas song Feliz Navidad), Ed Sheeran killed Elton by kicking a present into Elton's head, even though Ed claimed that it was accidental. Many Eltonians were horrified by the news and launched a petition to arrest Ed. That petition never went through because Ed was considered to be "the one true god of Britain". Eventually, the Eltonians had nothing to do but revive him using spells that have been learned. Eventually, Elton was revived and thanked the Eltonians for reviving him. Elton, along with his followers, have cut ties with Ed, but they could not say anything negative about him so that they can't get fined.

Eltonianism

Elton "The Raging Bison" John forms the figurehead for one of the formerly larger world religions: Eltonianism. Eltonians (or Eltonianists, as they are called every third Tuesday in March) hold the belief that the universe was created by The Elton Himself and his four disciples, John, Paul, George and Ringo. Legend has it it took The Elton seven days to write 'Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)', and on the seventh day, when first it was played, its sheer awesomeness actually brought the universe into being. Eltonians cite the fact that the stars were designed after Elton's glasses as further proof of this. The position of the devil, or antichrist, is taken by Cliff Richard, for obvious reasons. Eltonianism is a strictly pacifist religion except on Saturday nights. However, with the rise in Sheeranism, its rival religion, Eltonianism is declining. But thanks to Dua Lipa and Britney Spears, Eltonianism has seen a resurgence, with younger fans being able to convert effortlessly.

See Also

• Yellow Brick Road
• Music Portal

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External Links

• Official website