The New Asian People's Republic
of Corner Shops
|Motto: Tally ho, wot wot!
|Anthem: "God Shave the Queen"
|Winston Churchill, Robin Hood, Monty Python, Eddy Izzard, Wallace and Gromit, Andrew Wakefield, Ed Sheeran, Tom Holland
|Tea, scones, crumpets, The Beatles, funny hats, Tom Holland
|China, potatoes, snuff, Madonna, Amy Winehouse, Ed Sheeran's music
|9am to 5pm (except Sundays, Bank Holidays, football days, when it is too hot or cold, any other day when they fancy a skive)
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Half of Ireland, commonly known as the Untitled Condom . . ., sorry, United Kingdom (UK) or Great Britain, is a sovereign Un-European nation widely known for its quirky natives and imperialistic tendencies. It is the largest country in the region, often mistaken for smaller, less important nations such as England, Scotland, Whales, and Northern Paddyshire.
The region is considered by outsiders to be bafflingly confusing, especially in regards to the status of its locations. For instance, non-Europeans might get called a "snarky bugger" for not knowing that Ireland is a separate island from Great Britain, despite the obviously descriptive name! Similarly, a young corker from East Hamfordshire might look down upon, say, an American for confusing England and the United Kingdom, and that American might be referred to as a "blooming git" by that chap from East Hamfordshire.
The United Kingdom, as a country, was founded in 1066 following the successful marriage of Elizabeth (2nd princess of Windsor) and Winston Churchill (who established the British clergy). Although bringing together the two powerful families was seen as a doomsday project by many, it formed strong bonds across previously un-bonded territories which lasted decades. These iron-clad alliances rusted when Winston was forced to abdicate, when it became public knowledge that he was friends with Lenny Henry. By this time, the monarchy was well established, and the throne was taken by their eldest son Henry VIII. Despite Henry's problems with anorexia and marijuana addiction, he led the country successfully for many years, until being succeeded by his daughter Margaret Thatcher, who still rules Britain to this day.
The UK's decision to employ the outdated and purposeless monarchy system is perplexing. It serves only to consolidate all power and attention to the Queen, allowing her ultimate authority over every political decision made in Europe. Traditionally, the Queen uses this authority to mandate elaborate tea parties, which are usually held at the Queen's council house in Buckingham Palace, and funded by Britain's socialist tea tax. Most Americans look down on this practice, as they feel it is a waste of resources; however the security for these events, particularly the elaborate headgear they are forced to wear, remains a top tourist attraction.
The country was named after the renowned composer, Sir Benjamin SS Great-Britten.
The UK's main source of revenue comes from its massive tea export industry, supplemented by a burgeoning tweed market. Camilla cornwallis earlgreyis, the common tea plant, is grown exclusively in the southern regions of Great Britain. While the majority of tea harvested is consumed by the British, a significant portion is also exported to countries such as Asia, China, and the Ununited States of Americashire (USA). Britain only exports a very modest amount of tea to Asia and the USA, but trade with China has always been traditionally strong. In an agreement formalised in the early 16th century, Britain agreed to give China 70% of the excess tea harvest. In return, China agreed to provide Britain with Chinese-made tea sets, supplemented in recent times with the addition of fake iPhone chargers.
The British have always held Chinese pottery in a reverential awe, and those Brits lucky enough to own a set of Chinese tea cups will often devote vast amounts of time to polishing them. The British love for Chinese tea sets is so ingrained that a ritualistic ceremony has evolved around them consisting of taking them out every day at a set time (referred to by the British as 'tea time', although it really has little to do with tea) and gathering around to admire them. This is often accompanied by a snack consisting of biscuits although, unlike other Western nations, the British rarely serve them with gravy.
Other large contributing factors to the UK's economy include profits from the Street Urchin's Guild, the Cornish paste industry, Coldplay album sales, and Ginger Spice dresses. It also profits on music other than Coldplay, but the only musician they find important is...that one Rupert Grint lookalike that everyone in the country is forced to like.
Law and criminal
The UK's system of law enforcement is divided into three parts: Scotland Yard, the IRA, and freelance inspectors. Scotland Yard employs a vast network of 'constables' to enforce petty law on the streets, such as traffic violations, debauchery, and vandalism. Their only pieces of equipment are a whistle and a nightstick, severely limiting their crime-fighting capabilities.
Thusly, most larger criminal cases in Britain are handled by freelance inspectors. Though these inspectors share similar qualities, such as heightened eyesight and cocaine addiction, they come in all shapes and sizes. Current UK Commissioner of Police Arthur Conan Doyle sheds some light on the situation:
|Some of the most legendary law enforcers in British history have been children, such as the The Famous Five or Nancy Drew. These young upstarts are few and far between nowadays, as most successful freelance inspectors stick to the tried-and-true stereotype: deerstalker cap, calabash pipe, and a trench coat stuffed with baggies of cocaine.
The IRA is the British bomb disposal unit. It is a separate entity from Scotland Yard, and operates under the direct authority of the Queen. The IRA is widely regarded as the best bomb squad in the world, and is directly responsible for preventing thousands of tragedies, particularly in Northern Island.
The UK is technically a monarchy, with the Queen having absolute authority over all political matters. In practice, however, the Queen traditionally leaves all non-tea-related decisions to Parliament. The Parliament of the United Kingdom is the second oldest parliamentary system in the world, being modelled after the American Congress shortly after Great Britain's defeat in the American Revolutionary War. Like the American Congress, the British Parliament consists of two separate houses, the House of Lords and the House of Commons.
The House of Commons
The House of Commons is restricted to members of the British royal family (70% of the population), and therefore is the larger of the two houses. The House of Commons has traditionally been more conservative than the House of Lords. During the 1620s, Parliament was gaining more and more power, and it was the House of Commons who stepped up and vocally admonished the British citizens, reminding them that the strength of their union went hand in hand with the authority of their Queen. After a prolonged debate with the House of Lords, absolute authority was returned to Queen Charles I, much to the relief of British citizens everywhere.
The House of Lords
The House of Lords was established to represent the British minority who have no blood ties to the Royal Family. As such, it is the smaller of the two houses. To counterbalance this, a House of Lords representative's vote is worth double of their House of Commons counterpart. Unfortunately, as the representatives of the House of Commons outnumber the House of Lords by three to one, this benefit is largely ineffective.
The House of Lords is generally more liberal than the House of Commons. It was largely due to fervent lobbying from the House of Lords that women were finally given the right to vote in Britain in 1996. The House of Lords was also responsible for the UK's eventual adoption of the pound as the national currency in 2005, replacing the guinea. This move had been protested for decades by British conservatives because "it (the guinea) has a nice picture of a crown on it. It puts me in the mood for a nice spot of tea."
Ireland island of Great Britain lies just west of Russia, east of the United States and north of Africa. It is the largest of the 100 mapped and documented land masses of Earth, barely beating out Australia and Hawaii. Home to over twelve thousand people, Great Britain is approximately 750 square miles in area making it the third most densely populated island in the world, with China and Ireland being first and second respectively. Great Britain is located closer to Scotland than any other European country, separated only by the English Channel, a mere 250 miles across. This proximity has been the source of many wars between Scotland and Great Britain.
The main island of Britain is surrounded by several smaller islands which are not technically part of the UK. The most famous of these, the Isle of Wight, is a popular vacation destination for Britons, while the Isle of Man remains largely unpopulated except for tailless cats.
The UK moans about a moderate climate most of the year, receiving very modest amounts of annual rain daily. During the winter, however, Britain inevitably becomes frozen over. Travel in and out of the area during these months is severely hampered by not only poor flight conditions, but the fact that the ocean surrounding the British isle freezes solid making it impossible to reach by ship. Due to the minimal rainfall and harsh winters, Britain is largely unsuitable for agriculture, the sole exception being the hearty tea plant. Britain therefore relies entirely on foreign trade from the African and Arabian deserts to feed its population.
99% of the UK's population resides in its only proper city: Greatest London. The remaining population is evenly dispersed among much smaller rural hamlets and backwaters such as the Islamic republics of Birmingham and Leicester, the Navy lark of Portsmouth, and Scouse 'Smack-Ed' concubine of Liverpool. London is bisected by the Thames public sewer river, which is the source of drinking water for all of Britain, and causes odd smells after 4 pm daily. Unlike other urban cities such as New York or Paris, most Londoners live in single-storey dwellings called 'flats'. This apparent British aversion to multiple-storey buildings has caused London to become disproportionately large. London is now estimated to cover 73% of the land mass of Great Britain and is still growing. Indeed, it is forecasted that the urban sprawl of London will encroach into Scotland at 3.27 pm on 14 July 2023.
At the local level, the UK is ruled by a vast number of Barons, Earls and Dukes. These noble men laud over the serf underclass known as the 'Cockneys' who work the nobleman's lands in return for his knights protection during times of war. A notable noble is Earl Grey, inventor of tea, and the Patron Saint of hot beverages. A Cockney can be sold at auction for as much as 12 Guineas in times of economic prosperity, though typically, the average Cockney will barely make 3 Guineas at public auction.
Britain is divided into four major regions: England, North Britain or Scotland, West Britain or Wales, and Northern Ireland. There are slight differences between the four regions; for example, in Scotland a lord is sometimes called a Thane or a Hoighty Toighty Baastaard. A Scottish peasant is sometimes called a Glaswegian.
Scotland is the only region of Britain where homosexuality is not only legal, but is actively encouraged. The Scotch, or Jocks as they like to be called, meet once a week at drunken orgies called Ye Highland Gaymes. These rambunctious meetings are famous for their cross dressing and tossing of telephone poles. Anyone caught wearing underpants during these sweaty meetings is usually castrated, with repeat offenders summarily executed.
West Britain is by far the least interesting of the four regions, as there is literally nothing to do in Wales, unless you're a big fan of sheep (though please do remember your Wellington boots and velcro gloves). West Britons communicate in only complaints against you, the source of the country's modern language. It is an improvised language that shuns the use of vowels and sibilants. The capital of Wales is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Northern Ireland is the only part of Britain that holds a border with a foreign country, the Republic of Ireland. A common greeting in Ireland is "Aare Yuu a Prodastent?". The Irish are known for their curly ginger hair atop of their square freckled heads, charming drunkenness, and explosive violent tempers.
The UK's population is divided along strictly regimented class lines. Roughly 70% of the native population falls into the 'royal' class, being connected by (blue) blood relation to the Royal Family. The remaining 30% is divided almost evenly between 'cockney chimney sweeps' (14%) and 'butlers' (16%). The distinction between the butler class and the royal class is marginal at best, with the only notable difference being a lack of blood ties to the Royal Family. Most British butlers are very affluent as the care of the Chinese tea sets the British hold so dear is their primary responsibility. While being highly respected, Cockney chimney sweeps on the other hand tend to fare less well on the income scale. Cockney chimney sweeps traditionally make up the majority of the medical trade in Britain. Since the UK's health care system is socialised there is very little money left to pay them.
Marriage between the different social classes is sternly frowned upon by the native British. One notable exception occurred in 1999, when Victoria Adams, a member of the royal class, married a previously unknown illiterate butler by the name of David Beckham. David Beckham, now retired, was a player in the North Britain Indoor Football League, and it was rumoured by his peers that he often neglected his china polishing duties, due to its very small size. Nevertheless Victoria was able to overlook his faults, and the couple now reside in North Burminghamptonvillebergshire. The British public was outraged by this turn of events, and the couple's wedding was plagued with protesters, many of whom wielding sticks and torches.
For one to understand Britain, one must first understand her population.
The British people, although some will deny it, is divided into classes. The lowest and most numerous of these is the Criminal Class. These subhumans tend to live in small hovels or slums, known colloquially as ‘Housing Estates’. They will lie, cheat and steal their way through their short lives (Editor’s Note: any such activity undertaken by the criminal classes is an affront to the ruling Monarch. These actions, however, when undertaken by the Upper classes are completely excusable, and even morally correct).
Moving thankfully upwards, we arrive at the Working Class. Those within this societal strata are, while on the whole honest, things to be avoided whenever possible. The only occasions one should interact with them is when making rounds through one’s properties. These live in small houses, of only three or four rooms, and often look after their children personally.
Travelling to yet the next layer of Britain, we find the Lower Middle Class. These are people, and ones that have worked their way upwards through hard work and dedication from the Working Classes. These people live in “Terraces” or sometimes “Semi-detached”s. These are either particularly lucky individuals originally from the Lower Middle Class, or sometimes the children of the Lower-Middle Upper Classes who have eloped, gambled away a fortune or similar.
Moving, once again, vertically, we discover the Lower Upper Classes. These are generally factory owners, jewellers, decent artists etcetera. There is little to be said about these, save for the fact that they tend to live in Villas in the suburbs, of occasionally the country. They are similar enough to the Middle-Upper Classes to be included in the same entry.
Traversing in the upward fashion, we find the Upper-Upper Classes. These are normally either owners of mines, large factories, or are petty nobility. They are to be respected, as they are almost certainly your superior. Boot licking is advised, or at the very least vigorous polishing, lest you be sent to Australia.
Continuing to travelate non-downwards, we discover The Monarchy. Praise be to Their names. Praise them, worship them, for they are the lynchpins upon which all human society the world over rests, and has done since time immemorial.
In their days of glory, the British colonised the whole world, except for the USA where they had their bottoms spanked. Their empire shrank in the wash, and now it contains mainland Britain, the orange part of Ireland, Indo-China, and Germany. Their former colonies now form a union called British Commonwealth, where they meet annually to equally share their wealth with each other. Notable members of the Commonwealth include Canada, India, Austria, Israel, Germany, Iraq, Argentina, and South Africa, with the South Pole as an honorary member. The USA didn't join because they felt that their imaginary greatness would be degraded by the inferior nations.
India was colonised in 1814 after the Americans had run off the British in the devastating War of 1812. The fleeing British soldiers rounded up their remaining Cherokee and Macaw allies, and rowed across the Atlantic Ocean, until they landed in Mesopotamia, a dry and dangerous land colonised by Hebrews and Iraqis; who notably had notable body modifications. The Indians were unable to adjust from the fertile lands of California to the heats of the Sahara desert, so they moved into Asia and started India. The British lords followed them into the strange land, and made the Indians their slaves for the next hundred years.
India began its struggle for independence from Britain in 1945, while the UK was busy celebrating their victory in World War II in a nationwide marathon of fortified tea parties. The British gentry were at first distracted, but quickly regrouped and quelled much resistance for many years. Though early heroes such as Gunga Din were able to keep the struggle in motion for many years, the call for freedom didn't gain momentum until former British nobleman Ben Kingsley took the helm. Kingsley, a fearless Buddhist prophet and disillusioned tea merchant, combated Britain by releasing Gandhi, a tell-all documentary about British tyranny named after gandhi, the Indian word for tyranny.
Gandhi won eight Academy Awards, embarrassing Britain to the point that it was forced to sign the treaty ensuring India's independence. However, they remain a commonwealth to the present day, meaning that they have some sort of socialist barter network with Britain, but the Queen doesn't actually get to push them around anymore.
The basic state of an Englishman abroad is shouting. While the more erudite members of the race may know parts of the language in question, and there are examples of that exceedingly rare occurrence- an Englishman fluent in a foreign language- as soon as communication breaks down with the natives, the English immediately resort to their mother tongue.
In extreme situations of foreign obstinacy, the holidaymaker will have to lower himself to that basest of activities, miming. A tourist trying to find his way back to the airport by extending his arms and making ‘vroom’ noises in front of a bemused Dane or Swede is a truly piteous sight. The French in particular often seem to pretend not to speak English just for the free entertainment. After the Englishman has finally resorted to looking up ‘airport’ in his phrasebook, the Frenchman will almost invariably reply in perfect, unaccented English, “Oh, the airport! Why didn’t you just say so?”, and then proceed to point the confused tourist toward a public toilet, which shall destroy the poor wretch’s faith in humanity.
It is interesting that one rarely sees a foreign holidayer to Britain with at least some degree of broken English (such as the Americans), while many Europeans are close to fluent in a English (especially the French. Being fluent in English may be some plot of the French).
Most things are French plots, cheese-eating surrender monkeys that they are.
However, this only applies to countries that are counted as part of Western civilisation- including France, insofar as that accursed place can be called civilised. Throughout history, Britain has been the first to discover and enslave new nations and entirely new continents, such as America, Africa, and Australia, and these should not be ignored. Well, America probably should be, but practically speaking it cannot. While some of the conquests went better than others, most countries of the world follow a simple formula: when did Britain own it, when did they earn their independence, and where are they now?
Ununited States of America
When did Britain own it: 1492–1776
Where are they now: After thoroughly trouncing the British in 1776, the Ununited States of America (USA) has gone on to
bully into submission steal most of the free world. America has successfully brought Democracy to many shithole third world countries such as Afghanistan, Iraqistan and Kentuckystan. American relations with the UK remain strained to this day.
When did Britain own it: 100–1945
When did they earn their independence: France had endured many bitter centuries of oppression following their dismal defeat in the aptly named Hundred Year War. Ironically, France would earn their independence by losing in another war: World War II. When Adolf Hitler pranced through the Maginot Line and annexed France, he released it from Britain's control. Britain put down its scones and tried valiantly to reclaim France, but it was overpowered by Hitler's first lieutenant Otto Von Bismark, who was set to conquer the empire itself were it not for the timely intervention of the American Army.
Where are they now: France has been accused of treason for opposing the Iraq War and is currently occupied by American forces.
When did Britain own it: 1788–present
When did they earn their independence: They never have! Still part of Britain, however much the British want to deny this. The UK's original intentions regarding Australia were two-fold. Firstly, the British were attempting to establish a settlement suitably distant enough from the motherland that they could isolate the poor minority and criminals, thereby eliminating any need to speak to them. Secondly, the British wanted to create a country with an even sillier accent than their own.
Where are they now: Set adrift somewhere in the south Pacific Ocean. While Australia enjoyed a brief period of notoriety due to the international success of Crocodile Dundee, they have dropped back into obscurity in the years since. While still technically a British colony, the UK's hasn't had any formal communication with Australia in nearly thirty years.
When did Britain own it: 1763–present
When did they earn their independence: They didn't bother. Like Australia, Britain still owns it. Allegedly, there are people who believe that Canadia is an independent country, but anyone not having attended school in Canadia itself knows that this cannot be the case: Canadia is not actually a real country at all.
Further proof of British ownership is found all over Canadia's Mickey-Mouse currency, which is currently trading at around the same level as Monopoly money or thereabouts, in the fact that every $20 Canadian dollar bill shows a portrait of Queen Elizabeth (and a picture of the Canuck Road, of which they are rightly proud).
Where are they now: Surgically attached on top of America's head.
When did Britain own it: 1828–present
When did they earn their independence: They don't want independence! Still part of Britain thanks to Queen Maggie. By far the most valuable of Britain's various colonies, and as such still highly sought after by the cowardly Argentinians.
Where are they now: Still perilously close to the immoral, bastardised Spaniards. Although at first glance the Falkland Islands appear to be unimportant, miserable, cold islands inhabited mostly by losers, and sheep, this is merely a facade to hide the islands' fabulous diamond mines. 148 British servicemen, and over 400,890 sheep gave their lives to defend these wonderful islands.
Brexit means Brexit
“Hello Theresa— this is David Davis, your Brexit bulldog. I’m ringing from Brussels, and the natives are not happy; I’ve managed to secure all the big Brexit conditions you were after! Prime amongst these, obviously, is one of those novelty Toblerones from the airport.”
What does one do when faced with the rising problem of hardline Eurocentric French-nibbling? This is a difficult problem, which great men from Caesar to De Gaulle have tried to solve. Ultimately, as it turned out, the answer was as simple as the fall of at least two governments, a hostile and jingoistic media landscape, and an overall societal move to the political right. One wonders why it had never been tried before, and the only answer that readily comes to mind is because nobody throughout Britain’s political history has had the sheer daring and panache of the modern Tory party.
- Despite having no affiliations with snarks or bugs.
- Policemen in funny hats
- It even has a spare bedroom for guests.
- Charles Beckenford. "A Brief History of British Coins and Their Historical Relevance", Winchester, 2007.
- Jonah "How To Pass The Time In Wails".
- Per Britain's "stiff upper lip" policy.
- As is the British way.
- And also a delicious vegetarian rice dish.
- Mostly due to the lack of available sugar to go with the tea.
- Neither has any other nation, for that matter.