User:Mattsnow/Talk page archive 10

Hey Matt![edit | edit source]

Hello, and looooong time no talk to you. It's good to see your name again. Are you going to write again? Or did unnews cripple your ability to put words on electricity. Missed you, and I'm pretty much hanging around the sites these days. Aleister 23:46 31-1-'13

I've became serious and edit on Wikipedia about my passion, cycling. But I'll come back more often, and when a topic hits me, I'm sure the motivation to write funny will come back. Thanks Al, I'll sure drop by more often, at least to vote on VFH! How did the break-up occur with Wikia? I missed that completely lol

Mattsnow 01:50, 1 February 2013 (UTC)

here is your topic. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!)

04:40, 1 February 2013 (UTC)

I keep track of a few things on wikipedia too. Not cycling though. The break up was tragic, a love affair gone wrong because she put her clothes back on. Someone will tell you more, I still have a foot in each gully but have to get naked before I come here. True story. Al 21:49 2-2-'13

Glad to see everything's normal!!

Mattsnow 23:22, 2 February 2013 (UTC)

Also, forgot to welcome you to the new "Free" Uncyclopedia, so, ...welcome to the new "Free" Uncyclopedia. You bastard! Come back and write, you tarnated Wikipedian. ~ BB ~ (T)

~ Tue, Feb 5 '13 2:37 (UTC)

Collab on Labyrinth[edit | edit source]

Would you like to collaborate on it?--Sir Peasewhizz de New York 18:26, 2 February 2013 (UTC)

Thanks for the offer, but I don't know that movie bro!

Mattsnow 20:31, 2 February 2013 (UTC)

Not the movie... lol. The thing the minotaur was put in.--Sir Peasewhizz de New York 20:39, 2 February 2013 (UTC)

I'm not sure I have much time to help as of now, but just link me to it and I'll maybe throw an idea or 2... Don't expect me to be very fast :P Good concept though.

Mattsnow 20:52, 2 February 2013 (UTC)

User:Sir Peasewhizz/Labyrinth--Sir Peasewhizz de New York 20:56, 2 February 2013 (UTC)

I added a bit, do you think it's going in the right directions or am I just too weirdozo?

Mattsnow 23:49, 2 February 2013 (UTC)

That was funny! good work!--Sir Peasewhizz de New York 00:41, 3 February 2013 (UTC)

Let's add some little by little, to make sure were going in the right direction, I don't care if it takes a week or more! At the end, a hero should prevail (in a funny way of course) But in the meantime, we could tell the tale of some valliant guys who failed miserably, that could give us 2 or 3 sections. What do you think?

Mattsnow 01:10, 3 February 2013 (UTC)

I think the picture is a good idea, but not the text. We can definitely use the pic though.

Mattsnow 01:13, 3 February 2013 (UTC)

Maybe we could use the text at the end?--Sir Peasewhizz de New York 01:18, 3 February 2013 (UTC)

Sure, but what about using a historian perspective where they say that last line with the text if we use it?--Sir Peasewhizz de New York 01:20, 3 February 2013 (UTC)

I'm just not a fan of big pics and big text. I liked the intro you did and the pic. Do you want me to still collab? If you'd like to go your way, that's OK!

Mattsnow 02:49, 3 February 2013 (UTC)

Yeah sure. Just dispose of the text, haha.--Sir Peasewhizz de New York 02:52, 3 February 2013 (UTC)

I don't want to take away your work. I'll look tomorrow, as I said, no pressure. I'm sure we can get something great!

Mattsnow 03:13, 3 February 2013 (UTC)

Okay.--Sir Peasewhizz de New York 03:52, 3 February 2013 (UTC)

I cried laughing[edit | edit source]

Je de rainsain = Jus de raisin. Have you seen these? :) --ShabiDOO 23:55, 4 February 2013 (UTC)

No, what is it??

Mattsnow 00:00, 5 February 2013 (UTC)

Sorry I forgot link. Here you are. --ShabiDOO 00:43, 5 February 2013 (UTC)

Oh yeah, of course I know that >.< The "Tetes à claques" is made in Quebec. It's freaking hilarious! It may be a good topic for an article! I didn't know you understood French well.

Mattsnow 02:23, 5 February 2013 (UTC)

Here's part 2 :)

Mattsnow 02:30, 5 February 2013 (UTC)

Dangit I wish I'd been paying attention all those times my mother forced me to learn French words. ~ BB ~ (T)

~ Tue, Feb 5 '13 2:36 (UTC)

Hey BB long time no see! I guess stupidity is one of our strong traits!

Mattsnow 02:49, 5 February 2013 (UTC)

My Belgian and French friends cannot understand more than 10% of it. I had to watch it a few times. The second part is HELARIOUS!!!!! "C'est un petit rou de Checoutami avec le freckle...et he doesn't wear a turbin". Boy do I miss poutine sometimes ;) --ShabiDOO 03:12, 5 February 2013 (UTC)

I have to get it off my chest, but it's "hilarious", not "helarious". There you go I said it. We could nominate our Kripton article, waddya think?

Mattsnow 05:48, 5 February 2013 (UTC)

^ I remember I had same the mistake in the past, always using helarious :D Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz

05:51, 5 February, 2013 (UTC)

I held off pointing the small mistake out to Shabidoo for at least a year, the funny thing is that you use "helarious" very often! I hope you didn't take offense, I'm just chuckling right new!

Mattsnow 22:29, 5 February 2013 (UTC)

That is one of MANY spelling mystakes I make. I would have had a "highest honours" for my masters thesis, but even after proof reding it dozens of times and spell checking it on multiple checkers, there were a couple dozen of mystakes and I got just "high honours". --ShabiDOO 19:44, 6 February 2013 (UTC)

Ice fishing[edit | edit source]

so, catch and ice this year?

Kevillips (talk) 04:24, 6 February 2013 (UTC)

Hey Kevillips! Yep, some good fishing sessions this year, now a lot of snowboarding. I took a big break, I didn't write anything for a while. I have to say this version of the site runs better than the old one!

Mattsnow 00:52, 7 February 2013 (UTC)

I am noticing. I am going to ease back in, perhaps scheduling some un-time to do my un-maintenence. Kevillips (talk) 22:54, 8 February 2013 (UTC)

Unsignpost - 20130207013217 gibberish asdf[edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

February 6th, 2013 • Issue 185 • There is news in this thing.

GLORY! GLORY! WINNNERS! WINNERS! WIINNERRRRS!! YAYYYYY!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Aye! Yes, it is true. January is now over. So we're into to February 2013, where the second month of the new site is bound to be kickin'! Am I right or am I right? Well, here's some news that you can get excited for. With the conclusion of January 2013, we have the 2012 Year Award winners implanted into the sexy body of Uncyclopedia History and boy do we have some happy users out there! After a close competition in each category, (which wasn't rigged at all!) behold the users whom gained more "jazzy-ness" from the conclusion of the voting!

A trophy for winners!

First off, the Writer of the Year is none other than the killer... the froggy... TKF! TKF won Writer of the Year 2012 with 8 for votes and a baby-slapping 15.5 features tallied for the year twenty-twelve. Coming in second place was Funnybony with 5 votes and 14 features in 2012! Xamralco came in third with 3 votes for and most of his 2012 features being Top features of the month!

Second off we have Uncyclopedian of the Year. The winners of UOTY 2012 is a tie between the recently opped in January '13 and quite picture-n-tech master; Bizzeebeever. Who did he tied with? Oh, just the newly opped in September of 2012; the young Australian divinity Frosty! Both had 9 for votes! Coming in 3rd place was Romartus, an admin who chose to stay with the old site, who received a pretty good 6 votes for. Good competition boys!

Third off is Potatochopper of the Year (AKA Radical-X of the Year). Who is this winner? Going for the double crown after winning the Uncyclopedian of the Year along with Frosty, is Bizzeebeever! Great pictures man! Great pictures! Not only did he win by an impression-pushing 8 votes in his favor, but he was so good he scared away competition! He was the only nominee and obviously nobody else was nominated because everyone knows that BB would crush his competition. We're not kidding...

Another trophy for the winners!

May the fourth be Gobshite of Ultimate in 2012. Being the only two gobshites nominated, the two tied and were written down in ~~shame~~ Uncyclopedian history. Who were these fine young users? Only your very own Zombiebaron and Olipro!

Now we have the month awards for January 2013. Categories are: n00b of the Moment, Uncyclopedian of the Month, Useless Gobshite of the Month, and the Foolitzer Prize for January 2013! What? You're wondering why Writer of the Month wasn't mentioned? Well, um... nobody nommed anyone worthy and actually there was only like 3 votes. And the most someone got was one vote for. So make something happen for February's Writer of the Month this time around! GO! GO! GO! ~~POWER RANGERS!~~ The same with Potatochopper of the Month, what up with that? Huh? Huh? TELL ME.

Y, who received 5 for votes won the NOTM for January of 2013. There was a tie for Uncyclopedian of the Month, the MoveCabal and Sir Peasewhizz both mustered up the minimum 5 for votes to hold co-ownership of the January 2013 Uncyclopedian of the Month award-title-thing. For the Useless Gobshite of the Month, Zombiebaron won with 6 for votes, being the only nominee. With 3 for votes, Bill Melater won the January 2013 Foolitzer Prize! Also being a single nominee in a category.

Well, congratulations to all winners of something, something! Keep on being aggressive, because a few categories have been already entered by users in a February 2013 campaign! And for the Year Awards, see you again in January 2014 and right here with the winners in February 2014. And also, voting records can be found right here and over here.

Cold War Update 2

By Meganew

Well, I didn't update this Sunday, but that's my fault. Anyways...

After a serious level of contention on VFS, a conclusion was reached, one that I personally feel was poorly made. Instead of allowing Wikia Uncyc to "reap what they sow," as the old proverb goes, ChiefjusticeDS felt he simply had to intervene. As such, he eliminated Aimsplode's nomination and permabanned him from the site.

Admittedly, I was in favor of aim becoming an admin, but not for the reasons everyone thinks. I'm of the opinion that you should suffer the full rewards or consequences of your choices. With the populace having voted for Aimsplode, despite Chief's attempt to eliminate his nomination twice before his permanent termination of it, it's only fair that the Wikia site gets a Nazi as an admin. That's what they want, so that's what they'll get. It's like vandalism: Sure, you can vandalize Uncyclopedia all you want, but you'll suffer the consequences of that. In that case, a ban.

As someone who considers himself to have a more traditional view of things, I fully believe that ChiefjusticeDS had no reason to stick his nose in the business of the userspace. Were Aimsplode to have proven himself to be a good admin, he would've stayed. Were he to have been of poor quality, his employment would be terminated. Point is, either way, they would've got what they asked for.

Speaking of Aimsplode, he's been doing a good job of terminating all proof of his existence elsewhere on the internet. From Habbo to Deviantart, and even I can haz cheezburger, he has tried to terminate his existence from the web. Perhaps there is more to this pseudo-Nazi then any of us know...

Another update, another day. Keep checking back on your daily USP for the next update on the Uncyc Cold War.

Cheers!

Ask Zombiebaron

Do you watch children's cartoons anymore? (asked by Cat the Colourful @ 09:39, 31 January, 2013): Yeah, all the time. Right now I am watching the DCAU, currently I'm on the second season of Superman. Batman: The Animated Series is seriously awesome.

How much Zombiebaron could a Zombiebaron Zombiebaron if a Zombiebaron could Zombie Baron? (asked by Methamphetamine! @ 2013-01-27 18:55): A whole bunch.

Why am I such a faggot? (asked by Y at Jan 29 2013 00:38): Both of your parents are faggots.

I spilled cocaine on a math assignment that I handed in to my teacher, and now I'm afraid that she's addicted to giving out homework. What do I do? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney @ 10:07, Friday 01 February 2013): Buy more cocaine.

What is the meaning of life? (asked by Sir Peasewhizz @ 00:31, 31 January 2013): Life is meaningless. The only thing that is certain is that we will all one day die. Except some of us don't stay dead.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

20:16, February 4, 2013 Dawg (Talk | contribs) blocked 189.62.23.61 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages: Blanker/gibberish inserter.)

05:11, February 4, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Page blanking troll 2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years ‎ (You are undoubtedly the most pathetic vandal ever. See you in another 5 years???)

22:48, February 1, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 2.216.151.169 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (That thing you did... Don't do it again)

05:44, January 31, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected RAHB (Talk | contribs) (To be fair, I would have blown you but I didn't want my breath to smell like whiskey and old socks.)

05:14, January 31, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (refsuing to giev me head transpaciifically)

05:14, January 31, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Ljlego (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (wlecome baxck and a heartty FFUUUUUUUUCK you (im really duruk btw))

Featured Article of the Week
The featured article of the week is: UnNews:Delicious New Zealand bird set for extinction by 2023

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week for this edition of USP is Frosty for coming up with a quite sexy idea to solve an issue with VFH. Give him some love! Yeah... that's nice.

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

UnNews:Walkers warned of "killer ticks"

Important Tip of the Week
When you are in France, assuming all the girls aren't wearing any underpants is rude. Dang flabbit, keep it to yourself!

Biopic of the Week
During this edition of the USP's Biopic of the Week, we will look at the chat with the one and only Kip the Dip, whose 6th Uncycloversary will be coming on the 13th.

USP: So, what's it feel like to to have been wasting your life for a total of six years? Did it go by fast, or was it like Xtreme Paint Drying Sports?

Kip: Xtreme Paint Drying is exactly how I would describe Uncyclopedia in a nutshell.

USP: And what part of these six long, hard years was the most fun? What about the worst? Was there a time where you just could have killed someone? Was there a time where you could have had an orgasm just because of something cool happening?

Kip: That Mr. Winkler controversy was pretty fun, because that's one of the major classic dramafests of which I actually got to take part. My worst time at Uncyclopedia was definitely my first year when I epitomized dipshitttery. Receiving serious infinibans from the likes of Famine, Hinoa and Zombiebaron was soul-crushing. My best time, however, would be when I finally won UotM. It felt like I had finally broke out of my shell and became a valued member of the community. The fact that it took place at Christmas time only enhanced it, as I shine brighter than the Rockefellar tree in December. Reflecting back, I wouldn't trade my experience at Uncyclopedia for anything. Except money, fame and love.

USP: What do you think made yourself an original standout/figure in the Uncyclopedian history?

Kip: Taking Uncyclopedia seriously while never taking myself seriously. Secondly, Bizzeebeever recently described me as the Dr. Frankenstein of in-jokes. I have a talent in taking the silly and low-brow to high places.

USP: What would your advice for the newcomers to arrive in the future be?

Kip: Don't fuck it up.

There you have it folks, Kip the Dip! And don't forget to congratulate him on his six long, hard years!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~

I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:34, 7 February 2013

It is the day of USP love, Valentine’s Day[edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while

February 14th, 2013 • Issue 186 • Happy Valentine's Day, motherfucker.

Returning users and Grammar Nazis

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Grammar Nazi insignia.

Recently, we have seen the return of many passionate members of the community, which have seen the return of Uncyc daylight upon arrival. Was that a run-on sentence? Idk... anywaaaays. So the point is, Ljlego has returned recently, and so has Dawg. I bring these two in particular because Ljlego and Dawg have revealed over the IRC hints that they wish to stay here, on the new site. Ljlego was looking to get an Uncyclopedia cloak, while Dawg just plain out said he was interested in staying. To sum it up, yay more returnees! Go Jesus! Oh yeah, and you can join the Proofreading Service. This is basically the Grammar nazi equivalent to the Poopsmith Lounge... only less dead and slightly more squeamish.

The old site wants us... sexually?!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Lol, no. Just kidding. But hasn't it come to most people's minds that maybe, possibly the Wikia's members are curious to what is going on in here (Bitches, alcohol, and partying) and might come sneak by? Well, first off Chief banned BB on the Wikia and set up a spam account here. BB found out that Chief was the account owner of the vandalizing account and banned both of them. Though Lyrithya unbanned Chief. W.O.W. Gay.

Keep your eyes open, boys. Or not, it's not like they mean harm. What do you take me for? Pulixer? lol no.

Great Hall of Shame Updating of '13

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Happy Valentine's Day!

Okay, so most of you ungrateful bastards won't update your Hall of Shame entrees yourself. Well, did you even see that forum link? It even said "SIGN HERE FUCKERS". Yeah, that's right. Please, go update your Hall of Shame entrees and/or help me update those who don't update their HOS entrees. Man, that was pretty awkwardly worded. However, still. This task isn't easy. Much help is needed. USE THE EFFIN' FORCE, I KNOW THERE'S JEDIS WITHIN OUR RANKS!!

BUT SERIOUSLY.

Ask Zombiebaron
Sorry, he's not giving advice on Valentine's Day. We don't need little pregnant babies because ZB told you cut a hole in the condom for maximum results. He'll answer next issue and the ones after that. Or we'll kill him.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Biopic of the Week
This week, for the Biopic of the Week we did a short 3 question interview with SG1 via IRC. Behold;

USP: What is your favorite article?

SG1: User:Supergeeky1

USP: When did you sign up?

SG1: 2009

USP: What was your favorite year here?

SG1: 2009

There you have it folks! Plus, SG1 refuses to confirm this interview was real, even though it was. She's so weird...

Check out these pages!

UPDATE YOUR HALL OF SHAME AND SIGN HERE, FUCKERS

HE'LL MISS ALL THE SAVINGS!

The Incompetent Writing Competition. Category entrees are here

Judges can sign up here. Like you want to do that

Read this. Why? Don't ask!!

This is highly illogic-epedia!

Grammar Nazi recruitment.

Would you like to go the nurse, Sir Peasewhizz?

Well, then. If it's considered "ignorable" than why not?

From our logs:

21:18, February 11, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 6 minutes (I noticed you blocked me or 5 minutes, so I am doing you one better!)

21:17, February 11, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 minutes ‎ (I noticed you blocked me or 5 minutes, so I)

08:52, February 11, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (Demonstrating the use of the block form)

23:21, February 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked I think Zombiebaron loves dick in his butthole (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Gayer than Christmas: Not being Zombiebaron)

02:36, February 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.157.20.86 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Gayer than Christmas)

19:51, February 8, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 174.98.30.117 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (wut)

03:21, February 8, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 211.201.143.146 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (That thing you did was silly)

21:18, February 7, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) (Ha ha ha funny.)

21:07, February 7, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ ((Good luck, ChiefjusticeDS. I liked you too, but you're the one violating Rule 2, and while this block is essentially meaningless, let me just say... enjoy eternity. (DO NOT UNBLOCK))

20:54, February 7, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Brigate Marroncinostellate (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time infinite (Serious wanker. I know who you is.)

18:47, February 7, 2013 Dawg (Talk | contribs) blocked 174.138.213.95 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages)

15:35, February 7, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked Brigate Marroncinostellate (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Wanker)

01:18, February 7, 2013 TKF (Talk | contribs) blocked Wakkoswish123 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (yeah dont blank content)

Featured Article of the Week
The featured article of the week is: Amnesia: The Dark Descent

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week is a tie between Dawg and Ljlego. Both returnees have dedicated their lives ~~against will~~ to work for the best community out there, Uncyclopedia!

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

UnPoetia:Unexpected alphabet

Confucius says

He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose.

In order make egg roll, push egg.

Man deaf on one side looking forward to happy new ear.

Man who reads women like book prefer braille

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:33, 14 February 2013 (UTC)

Crikey! It’s a rare, wild UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now Delivered Trendily Late!

February 21st, 2013 • Issue 187 • Burn.

Cold War Update 3: Drama!

By Meganew

Well, this one's a bit late, but still important. Illogicopedia has considered moving their hosting over to the Free Uncyc servers, netting a nifty anti-Wikia deal. As well, a series of "hate bans" occurred recently, involving ChiefjusticeDS banning people on the Wikia site, and a sockpuppet of his being banned on this site.

More info will be available when I find out.

Cheers!

Robot invasion

By Dawg

Slender! What are you doing? Slender! STAHP!

It has come to the attention of this fine news source that Uncyclopedia is being overrun by robots, displacing tens of writers on a daily basis. After we realized they might be useful (in spite of lacking a sense of humour and soul), we captured and trained a couple of them to deliver the UnSignpost for us. To appease these ravenous automatons, we were forced to switch to categories from our archaic signup list. You may have noticed a new template on your page, which should be placed on the page you wish to have your UnSignpost delivered, where it will be dropped at the bottom (as always). Please refrain from petting the robots, as they may bite (we're working on that with them).

One of these 'bots (as we call them) was easier to train and has assisted us in huffing literally hundreds of old (pre-2011) User: and User_talk: pages for anonymous IPs. They're now working deep in the bowels of the site removing crap categories and fixing broken stuff.

The one attached to Dawg has the painfully unfunny name of DawgBot, and the one attached to Sir Peasewhizz is suspiciously not a bot at all. He's the... the... OH GOD NO. HE'S THE SLENDERMAN. AHHHHH!!!

DEATH TO BRONIES IS AT HAND? OR IS IT THE DEATH OF THE INTERNET???

By Mr-ex777, buster of gheys

Will this message be the discovery of the century????

Well, I was cracking codes in wingdings this day and I found the message at the right when I typed "MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC" In ALL CAPS in wingdings. This magnificent message, according to our codecrackers, might mean that the death of the Internet is caused by bronies. This message starts with a bomb and a Jew star, in which the bomb represents October 10, 2010 while the Jew star represents the money-makers of Hasbro. Then it is followed by a sadface, a palm, 2 snowflakes, another sadface, and a finger pointing left. This might mean that 2010 is the winter and sorrow of all franchises, caused by cooperate corruption and...bronies. Both can be read as: "In the day of the bomb, all franchises will be corrupted". The third sentence is pointed flag, flag, skull, Jew star and computer, which might represent the death and conquest of the internet. The fourth sentence is a finger pointing right, a sun, a finger pointing left, a skull, a thumbs down finger, a water drip, a palm, and a pointed flag. This possibly represents that a dawn of death will rise, all the straight men will fight, and finally the dawn of death will make them bleed. The fifth sentence is palm, water drip, bomb, two fingers, one finger, palm and thumbs up. This might represent that we are currently on a countdown to demise. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT?????? Fortunately, there is good news. The good news is that the same might be used against the bronies, and if this happens it might read as: The bomb had set by the Jews and franchises are corrupted. But now, we will conquer over the terror. they might fight the dawn but they will bleed. The bronies are on the countdown to demise.

This is a two sided prophecy. nevertheless, The war against faggotry will eventually prevail.

Aleister snags the Hall of Shame lead with 67 features!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

This is Aleister's stoner monkey.

As of February 19th of 2013, Aleister (formerly Aleister in Chains) leads the Hall of Shame with 67 features. Which article robbed Soggy's and Aleister's tie at 66 features? None other than probably the most boring material to work with, but it happened; UnBooks Biography:The guy who invented soap! Go read it! And also, you must go read the rest Aleister's features. Or else. You can access them here. Remember, we're watching!

Ask Zombiebaron

Dear, Zombiebaron, please explain the 2nd law of thermodynamics in six words or less. (asked by RAHB): Hot stuff is thermodynamic, that's it.

Zombiebaron, mares eat oats, and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy. A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you? (asked by Aleister): Yeah probably, if I was really hungry and there was no real food.

What is the meaning of undeath? (asked by Socky): Nothing means anything. Everything just is. There is no meaning of undeath.

Zombie, what is your favorite weight-loss diet? (asked by Simsilikesims): Life is short, eat whatever you want. Don't change your diet to conform to society's outrageous standards of outward beauty.

Hypothetically speaking, say you and I were to suddenly decide one day to sail the Mediterranean Sea in search of various treasures, and hypothetically, we crash our boat on a deserted island. Now... hypothetically, we try to signal for a rescue for any planes passing by, but hypothetically, that proves uneventful, seeing as this island is buried under massive amounts of fog. However, we are able to setup a hypothetical shanty campsite using nothing but bamboo and wood we've collected from fallen trees, and eventually (but hypothetically), we're even able to create a water purification system after our supply of bottled water runs out. But one day, while attempting to catch fish, we discover this hypothetically deserted island is not deserted at all. In fact, it happens to be populated by a completely hypothetical tribe of cannibals who are fresh on our trail. Hypothetically, we must build a raft and escape the island. After two weeks of evading the cannibals, we finally manage to build this raft and we set sail once again. Hypothetically speaking, of course. Sadly, we only manage to make it less than a mile from the island before a giant hypothetical wave forces us to crash and endure the cold, murky waters. Hypothetically, we're able to swim back to the shore but because of the time we spent in the water, I've contracted a hypothetical case of pneumonia. What's worse is that we've hypothetically used all of our Kleenex supplies in our old water purification system, meaning I'm left with a very runny nose and no hypothetical way of treating it. My question is, will you let me blow my nose in your butt cheeks? (asked by Supergeeky1): Sure why not.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

Top 10 2012 Featuring Dates VOTING - Either first 10 days of March or first 10 days of April.
Yes it does, Pease, yes it does.
This isn't funny! - It is to me! AHA!
HMC2013? What is that sorcery?
Let's play a game - IN BED!

From our logs:

10:02, February 20, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 69 seconds ‎ (Put this in your USP and smoke it.)

00:27, February 18, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Kip the Dip (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 40 minutes ‎ (Well, since you asked.)

13:17, February 17, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (')

03:20, February 17, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (You hath been fought. You lose!)

Featured Article of the Week
The featured article of the week is: Saw

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

Secret Moon Base

IRC Log of the Week
[12:57] Mr-ex777 HERO: faggotry is the biggest sin.
[12:57] HERO no
[12:57] HERO its one of them
[12:57] Mr-ex777 HERO: of the internet
[12:57] HERO you damn skippy
[12:58] HERO turns into a black cat and jumps on Mr-ex777's head. Looks down in his face."Meow?"
[13:00] HERO Stays on Mr-ex777's head. Just sits there.
[13:02] Mr-ex777 HERO: Jews did wtc? nope, YOU did WTC
[13:02] HERO ?
[13:02] Mr-ex777 they just mistook you as jew

Select User of the Week
The select user of the week is again, Dawg for lots of hard effort in deleting outdated pages!

Confucius says

If you wiggle your pinky up and down inside your ear, it sound like pacman.

Rock and roll make good half breakfast.

Girl named Paige Turner love to read.

Dieting is wishful shrinking.

Sexy typist will bang on keyboard.

Biopic of the Week
This week we spoke with RAHB over the IRC. We did a Q&A of 3 questions.

USP: First question. If you had to fuck a Muppet, which Muppet would you fuck and why?

RAHB: Lola because I bet she could turn me inside out with those lips. Wait. Is her name Lola? The one with big lips and no eyes? Janice. That’s the one. Yes, Janice.

USP: Second question. If you could kill any musician, which musician would you kill?

RAHB: If I could kill any musician I would kill the first musician ever, just to see if it would have any effect on the development of music beyond that.

Like, if I went back in time and killed Ugg before he found out he could make a percussive sound out of two rocks, would today's contemporary music be entirely recorded in reverse? Who knows?!

USP: Third question. Do you come here often, baby?

Only when I get a tip that there's some good zombie dick hanging around.

And there you have it, folks! RAHB!

Nothing is happening here at all. So stop looking. Wait, look at this picture!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 00:35, 21 February 2013 (UTC)

Hey Matt[edit | edit source]

melted cheese curds

--ShabiDOO 12:38, 21 February 2013 (UTC)

Surprise, Motherfucker, USP[edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!

February 28th, 2013 • Issue 188 • When life gives you lemons, sue for damages.

A Note to Our Readers on Accuracy

By The Editor

Sir Peasewhizz's mother. An example of accuracy and truth-in-advertising.

We Here At The UnSignpost™ bear a strong commitment to accuracy—in fact, the UnSignpost is required by law to print at least one truthful statement per issue in order to retain our status as a tax-exempt organic fish-cannery.^[1] We believe that our track record speaks for itself: in our nearly 45 months of existence, the USP has printed only 243 retractions, a full 20% of which were not ordered by a court.

It was with some consternation, therefore, that we discovered a massive error in our reporting. In recent weeks, former USP editor and general mensch ChiefjusticeDS was repeatedly identified by the UnSignpost as being a "putrid puddle of poodle puke", and also as having been "perm-banned" for vandalizing the new Uncyclopedia with sockpuppet accounts. While the first statement remains an object of controversy, the second one could not be further from the truth. ChiefjusticeDS is one of the least-likely vandals in the history of Uncyclopedia; furthermore, our research indicates that he is not actually aware of the new Uncyclopedia, and while his lawyers apparently are, he is currently blithely executing his sysop duties on the old site, much as a mother elephant seal mournfully attends the corpse of her crushed pup.

We would like to take this opportunity to apologize profusely for any inconveniences this erroneous reporting has caused anyone. While we have traced the original mistake to confusion on the part of our correspondents (who are possessed of more eagerness than brains), the final blame must lie at the feet of our fact-checking department; we intend to take them thoroughly to task for their laziness and inattention, just as soon as we figure out how to fire people who don't exist.

On a related note, we would like to issue the following corrections and clarifications:

On page 43 of last week's Lifestyle section, an article titled "Fun snacks for kids" erroneously identified nitroglycerin as a "delicious pudding substitute". According to the American Society of Nutritionists, nitroglycerin is unsuitable for children's meals, as it contains dangerous levels of saturated fat.
The last name of U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner does not rhyme with "butt-pipe", as was reported in last week's Capitol Review section.
The full-page infographic in last week's Health News section erroneously read "a teaspoonful of honey makes the medicine go down, makes the medicine go down, makes the medicine go down". A copy-editor accidentally substituted the words "honey" for "semen" and "medicine" for "prostitute". We apologize for the inconvenience.
Libel and copyright lawyers are not composed entirely of "snot". Any statements to the contrary (including emails and anonymous missives tied to bricks) should be construed as merely opinion.

↑ This is a lie.

Upcoming PLS

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

So, even if it has felt like a long past couple of weeks, bring your spirits up! We can help, because there is the PLS coming up soon. So yeah, I know this is short. But it's longer than you. HA! HA! HA!

No, but seriously. Consider doing the Poo Lit Surprise or ELSE.

Ask Zombiebaron

Dear Zombiebaron, how do I get girls to have sex with me? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): Very carefully.

Dear Zombiebaron, how would you describe the live-action Avatar: The Last Airbender movie 5 words or less? (asked by Sir Peasewhizz): I have never seen that.

Zombiebaron, do you sell propane and propane accessories? (asked by TheKoromoAmae): No.

Do you believe in demons? (asked by Lyrithya): I believe that we can neither prove nor disprove conclusively the existence of demons. It seems likely, however, that demons are merely characters invented by the human mind as a personification of our own evil desires and impulses, as a story to scare children, and as a sexual fantasy for octogenarians.

I'm sick of you! I'm gonna get you, Zombiebaron. I'm gonna get you! How do you like those particular apples? (asked by Roman Dog Bird): You still owe me $20 and I told you last time that half an apple is not real money.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

In the UnNews!

Indeed, Quvenzhané Wallis is a cunt - February 26th
Seth MacFarlane awarded honorary membership to the KKK - February 25th
Relief as stolen Banksy returned - February 24th
Dangerous new teen trend: energy drinks - February 23rd
Sony fears that the Playstation 4 will disappoint - February 21st
College student sues self for plagiarism - February 21st
Uncyclopedia huffs Britney Spears' grocery list - February 19th

From our logs:

21:13, February 25, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Miwa (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Just stop.)

11:13, February 24, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Neo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (You are dumb)

05:36, February 24, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 186.5.116.114 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (u have aids)

20:27, February 21, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected Kelton2 (Talk | contribs) (Repented for his sins. Is also getting me hot.)

Biopic of the Week: Strainj1
The Biopic of the Week is usually written by a USP correspondent, but the interview with this week's subject yielded a paragraph so excellent that we couldn't possibly do better. Although we could certainly do worse. Strainj1 is one of our "newer" users (we think, although he has probably been here since 2009—we can't be bothered to check). In his own words:

“

I'm from Gympie, which is quite clearly the center of the universe. My real name is Nils, which to be honest a quick Google search with that fact and my username would probably lead FAR too easily to my full identity. My surname is VERY Asian sounding, even though my entire genealogy is Northern Europe (Danish and Dutch mainly) - feel free to say as much about vikings as you like, because I'm totally like one. As far as dependents go, I own a small dog, and an awesome purple party house, complete with and a discoball and laser lights controlled by a party switch. My parents' immigration status is all good - however my dad did just marry a Ugandan woman, and my sister is a statistical mathematician in Switzerland. But that's all legit yeah? I meanwhile coast through life in a full time job that is more varied than the colours on the walls in my ridiculously multicoloured toilet. I'd also like to state that every statement in this paragraph is NOT a lie.

”

Confucius Say

Unborn twins are womb-mates
Installing fan can be a breeze
Heck is where those go who don't believe in Gosh.
Couple who sleep in water bed start to drift apart.
When man go to court, he put his fate into hands of people not smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Featured Article of the Week

Charlie Brown

Newsroom Random Article of the Week

Proof

IRC Quote of the Week

<SirPeasewhizz> I have gay ass lice

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 03:51, 28 February 2013 (UTC)

I thought I heard the Imperial March. USP time, everybody![edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

I love it when the news comes together

March 7th, 2013 • Issue 189 • You may now start the sad music.

TKF has taken his leave

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

This is the great TKF.

“

lol tkf is gay
— The Zombiebaron

”

If you haven't heard the sad, sad news; TKF (formerly Thekillerfroggy) has announced his departure from Uncyclopedia as an Uncyclopedian, Admin, Bureaucrat, Legend, and Hero in the afternoon of March 2nd. With it, his reason; not enough writers who enjoy it for the fun and enjoy others work as well as he doesn't want to write anymore nor does he need to. He feels this has taken him from a shitty high-school writer to something he had gained confidence in.

Of course, he wishes us good luck and knows we'll boom with excellence in the future.

He would like to thank MadMax, Zombiebaron, The Thinker, Ljlego, So So, Dr. Skullthumper, Mhaille, The Woodburninator, TheLedBalloon, Cajek, Procopius, Mordillo, One Eyed Jack, Heerenveen, Bonner, Hyperbole, THEDUDEMAN, and Modusoperandi. He states Uncyclopedia and his own writing wouldn't have existed if it weren't for these users.

He also has to admit his respect for Lyrithya, Frosty, Bizzeebeever, and Xamralco for leading the new guard.

He wishes for Leverage to continue writing because he's good at it. He states "Humbucker, we barely knew ye."

He left this for Sir Peasewhizz:

"Peasewhizz, sorry man, you've got the energy and passion but you've got a long way to go to develop your talent and rein in your hyperactive aspects. You do remind me of myself from 2006, which is to say you've got a little bit of something goin on here but it needs to be toned down a LOT. Writing-wise, you need an editor. You would benefit the most from pee review coming back. Which gives me an idea: how about instead of Pee Review, we just have writing partners or something? I dunno. But back to the point: focus less on all of the bullshit "community" stuff, stop nominating your own articles, and go back and edit all of your older things. Become embarrassed by what you wrote 3 months ago, I still do with my own articles. Read them out loud. Get better before you get bigger."

This is also his heart.

He also states he will NEVER FINISH 18TH CENTURY BIIIIIIIIITCH!

But Frosty thinks he will return, as he states (and believes) "Once an Uncyclopedian, always Uncyclopedian".

February 2013 Award Winners... also, YOU'RE DICKS!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

As a wise man once said, (yesterday) "Whatintheworldofgaysex?! It's already March?" To answer that question, well, yes. You see, FEBRUARY 2013 HAS DIED. So... I guess we shall show you all the award winners of the month of February this year.

We only had two categories with ~~cheaters~~ winners this month. What are these ones, well goddamn it let me finish! They were Uncyclopedian of the Month and n00b of the Moment.

Want a plate? It is a trophy, made out of pure plate. You can eat cookies on it.

The noob of February 2013 was none other than Hoof Hearted. With a score of 5 obtained, this user has passed the ultimate liftout course and went on to claiming this sexy title. Still up there, ready to take March by the balls, is ProfessorScience. Hoof Hearted, however, has left ProfessorScience a strong against vote stating that the humor ProfessorScience gives out was hard to find funny. Sorry, but THAT WAS MEAN. I mean, such n00Bz voted against more than once in this month's Noob of the Moment contest.

And guess who was the UOTM? DUH! None other than MadMax, whom we all knew would win. However, we boggled and offended that this guy only won once before claiming this month's UOTM title. Wow. Not cool, bros. But hey, does his 2007 Uncyclopedian of the Year title override this? Well, fuck, now I'm trying to figure that out. Thanks for putting my head into a crisis-like state. I love you for this.

Ask Zombiebaron

Why does How It's Made give me a boner? (asked by RAHB): I think the real question is how could the perfect combination of Lynne Adams's terrible monotone narration and the shine of mechanically precise cold polished steel not give you a boner. How It's Made is basically porn.

How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): If he's already a man why should he care what I call him.

hOW COME WE NEVER SE EZOMBIES POOP IN ZMOBIE MOVIES?!?!!1 THEY EAT STUF FALL THE TIME BUT WE NEVER SEE THEM POOP! (asked by Bizzeebeever): Because movies aren't real life.

Dear Mr. Z, does life start at conception, or when the child takes its first walkabout? (asked by Aleister): In the fourth dimension life has no beginning and no end.

Why won't my porn download? (asked by WeinribŽivojinović): Just stream it.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

22:31, March 4, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Legoktm RICCHIONE secondo noi perché ha cacato il cazzo è un vero stronziuti e noi diciamo la verità (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (lol)

20:45, March 4, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 115.25.216.6 (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 2 years (You are editing on a gay proxy. As such you are banned, sucks don't it? Spam, eh? More like WHAM, amirite?)

20:04, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) (lol naw I suck cocks)

20:03, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Needs to be unblocked as part of the test. I still don't see any malted milk balls.)

19:49, February 28, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mike the Great (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Is conducting some sort of test. Personally, I hope it involves malted milk bals.)

00:30, February 27, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.59.28.95 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Block, just a block: Hello and bye (don't come back pls))

IRC Log
<derpyy> I'LL CUM TOO MUCH AND DIE!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> I am very happy for you.
<derpyy> This damn pussy of yours is also just a pussy! <UncycBot> <derpyy> Oh now I see.
<derpyy> FULL THROTTLE EROTICA!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about dicks car.
<Frostee> derpyy is gay like UncycBot
<UncycBot> <Frostee> I think derpyy is a lot of things.
<derpyy> My vagina hungers!
<UncycBot> <derpyy> Where did you get your vagina hungers?
<derpyy> THE LIPS OF MY WOMB ARE CONGESTED WITH BLOOD AND SUCKLING ON THE TIP OF HIS DICK LIKE A BABY BEING PAMPERED! <3

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, we are debuting the UnSignpost's "Biopic: In Their Own Words", which is to say, we are so incredibly lazy that we can't even make up our own bullshit anymore. In fact, we are so lazy that we debuted this feature several weeks ago, but were too lazy to announce it until now.

This week, we are profiling lazy IRC lurker and occasional editor Colin "All your base" Heaney:

“

I'm originally from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The first article that comes to mind as a favorite is Inebriated's The fact that you don't want a poodle. I'm 18 years old, I turn 19 on April 2nd. Politically I veer left like I'm driving drunk. If hip-hop and rap music were classes in high school I would be valedictorian. I sometimes do drugs. My favorite book is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Arrested Development and Firefly are the best shows ever. On the site I don't do a hell of a lot besides write articles about 9/11 and related topics. I've goatse'd the main page not once, but twice.

”

So There You Have It! Colin is a terrific guy who enjoys urban music, weed, and timeless Internet memes. (For future reference, Colin, we're in ur base, killin all ur doods.)

Confucius say

Business can mean bad or good. When it is none of your business it cannot be either
AIDS do not help body
First crush feel heavy, second crush feel heavier
Math class is full of drama. There are so many problems to work out
A group called Balloons sings pop music

Random Article of the Week

This week, we shall have five random articles BECAUSE WE CAN! Mmhhhmm. Son.

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 20:35, 7 March 2013 (UTC)

Can I have some salad with my UnSignpost?[edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

You'd be crazy not to listen!

March 14th, 2013 • Issue 190 • It's a "sa-lad".

Salad.

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

SALAD

I like salad, you like salad, we all like salad.

No, seriously. Salad.

By RAHB

Yes, salad. It has come to my attention that Uncyclopedians are simply not consuming enough of it. Ladies and gentlemen, we here at the Unsignpost implore of you, we beg you, to eat more salad. Why should you eat more salad? Well you only need to look at the facts to find the answer:

Salad is delicious when garnished with a honey-baked ham.
Salad is the number one cause of anti-cancer in America, having been documented in over six million cases.
Salad is an excellent nutritional source of salad.
Salad fought in World War II so you didn't have to.
Salad invented Uncyclopedia.

But clearly, this is not all that salad is capable of. Clearly a great cosmic injustice is being done by not mentioning salad's tremendous influence on the Russian space program, 80% of whose members consume salad on a regular basis, some more than once a day. But that's not all. Several tremendously influential figures in scientific history, including Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan, and Billy Mays, have admitted to having consumed salad at least once in their lifetime, sometimes even while doing important scientific things! Sexy sweet Mary, it's true!

This is not a picture of salad.

In fact, most major celebrities (the attractive ones, you know) are regular salad masticators. Lady Gaga, for example, may be best known for wearing a meat suit, but she is also well-known for eating salad. If by "well-known", you mean "she does it and nobody makes much of a fuss." Same goes for the salad eating.

Salad is known to have cured countless diseases, voted tremendously in favor of liberal politics, saved at least three dolphin from inconveniently placed tar deposits, fixed a plethora of flat tires on the side of United States interstate highways, eliminated the existence of internet memes, punched Adolf Hitler in the face, gone toe-to-toe with John Wayne in a cage match, and given a lustrous sheen to the coats of some of the world's prettiest felines.

In conclusion, salad is a super kool dood, and you should all totally eat him. With dressing if you prefer. Or with croutons, tomatoes, cabbage, olives, pickles, black pepper, onions, imitation crab meat, bacon bits, hard-boiled egg slices, ham, salt, vinegar, jalapenos, bell peppers, sweet peppers, pickle relish, anaheim peppers, bhut jolokia peppers, serrano peppers, crumbled cheese, raisins, avocado, apple slices, blueberries, cottage cheese, shrimp, basil, melon slices, meatballs, turkey gravy, chicken gravy, beef gravy, bacon grease, grease gravy, gravy grease, Bavarian cream, chocolate ice cream, M&Ms, a t-bone steak, bicycle spokes, flapjacks, fried eel, a pair of half-torn tennis shoes, matches, poisonous jellyfish, mushrooms, pimento, a piston engine, a choir boy, whale bones, grocery store food samples, grocery store samples stolen out of the freezer section, grocery store employees, psychedelic pop records, dinosaur fossils, ancient manuscripts, sweet potatoes, Iranian snails, Ukrainian birds, Welsh humans, beets, Saturday morning cartoons, elves, cayenne pepper, salt, mangoes, studio musicians, grapes, whiskey, grated cheese, sliced cheese, a cow, Hormel chili, the tiny oval tomatoes that always roll off the plate or launch away when you try to fork them, potatoes, all of Uncyclopedia, a British nanny, or lettuce. But nothing else.

Ask Zombiebaron

Is salad a heavy metal? (asked by RAHB): Salad is the heavy metal. All other heavy metals are ranked on the hS (How Salad) scale.

Salad salad salad, salad, Salad salad salad salad. Salad salad (salad salad, salad) salad! Salad: salad? (salad salad Salad): Salad!

If you had to fuck one salad which salad would you fuck and why? (asked by Zombiebaron): I would fuck the caesar salad at the all-you-can-eat buffet near my parent's house. Best salad I have ever eaten.

My wife wants to toss my salad but I am afraid of lettuce. What should we do? (asked by Zombiebaron): Sometimes when I make a salad I use pickles instead of lettuce.

If you could give one piece of advice to a young amateur trying to break into the world of professional salad craftsmanship, what would that be? (asked by Zombiebaron): Salads come in all shapes and forms. Be original, make a salad that represents you.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will salad them!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

22:57, March 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Eat my barf and piss frosty u'r a load of crap die eating vomit dirty idiot (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (hawhawhaw)

22:54, March 9, 2013 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Eat my barf and piss frosty u'r a load of crap die eating vomit dirty idiot (Talk | contribs) (I actually thought this guy had potential! Give the man a chance dammit!)

22:51, March 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bugger off you frosty with an ice pop in your ass (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I can do this all day if you wish)

22:49, March 9, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Eat my barf and piss frosty u'r a load of crap die eating vomit dirty idiot (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Fuck off)

00:40, March 9, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Lego-KLM (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Unacceptable username: Spelled incorrectly.)

22:52, March 8, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Pablo Manitoba (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Please donate to Uncyclopedia!)

07:31, March 8, 2013 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 112.111.160.35 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (piss off)

Yes, folks! Mordillo's back! ZOMG!

IRC Log Of The Century
<ghostninja> my eyes then gaze upon Olipro's dual-genitalia
<ghostninja> i quickly get wet again
<Hotadmin4u69> understandable

A picture of someone who we assume greatly resembles Multiliteralist.

Biopic: In Their Own Words
Multiliteralist here looks like spongy potluck in potluck in the field in homo? Are you wonder how tomatoes ghost it up? AHEM He has also worked tirelessly toward reviving both UnNews and the art of surrealism since his recent return to Uncyclopedia, which makes us just positively horny inside. Just think of all the olives! We interviewed the legendary taxidermist this week in order to find out what makes him tick.^[1] He had the following to say:

I'm a rugged Caucasian male from the Caucasus mountains. Everyone secretly wants to get laid by me. My personal philosophy is this is OK. My purpose at Uncyclopedia is to leave and come back again after a cooling-off period, again and again. Crimean war fucking sucked.

This is particularly enlightening in the case of AHEM the modern anti-vice table in front of abortions yet closing remarks about remarks are they became:

Closing remarks are for pussies.

Fleasy. Get a pies.

↑ As it turns out, the source happened to be a small wall clock that inexplicably follows him around, hovering in the air, everywhere he goes. Scientists are debating what this means to the future of space travel.

~~Confucius~~ derpyy say

Confucius say that would say hello FreeDOS could
Confucius say about Jesus I sure say Nascar
Confucius say blacks say "let's Save me"
Confucius say me. big say that other internet
Confucius say it as well yeah say about Area on
Confucius say say about
Confucius say that could simply say taht has a
Confucius say about the whole say whos all of the

Random Article of the Week

Salad

Feature of the Week

BladeRunnerway Bride

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 11:43, 14 March 2013 (UTC)

People like the UnSignpost because it’s hot! It has the best graphics and everything. Marcus, USP! Step yo’ game up![edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

March 21st, 2013 • Issue 191 • Marcus. USP. Step yo' game up!

More ~~cabal~~

By Y

If you haven't heard, the "lovely" and "beautiful" Jew / ~~Cabal runner~~ named Mordillo, who left in 2011, has decided to return. It's not official yet, he's just made a couple of edits, but WHO GIVES A DAMN. Let's just say he's back. We will now have our (nonexistent) cabal back with our favourite Jewish Uncyclopedian, ~~kakun~~ Mordillo. Let's give him a big round of applause. And remember kids, there is no cabal.

Bringing back the Old School FA

By Sir Peasewhizz

This is a picture. My little brother did it. He hates you. With love.

Yes, we're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it, if you know what we mean. And not only is it great that we're bringing it back since the 99th issue of the UnSignpost (8 issues from 100th anniversary of the section departure), but it makes it extra special that it's Why?:Your cat died making it on the big screen for its return! This, we swear, was not an incident of Sir Peasewhizz^[1] taking advantage of his abilities during the construction of the USP this week. And we're totally not promoting propaganda. Sillies.

One of the ten (to make your chances of guessing correctly less) following articles will be the Old School FA of the Week in next week's issue, can you guess it? Probably not, but we'll let you take a crack at it anyway: Commercial, A Man Getting Hit in the Crotch 800 Times, Sideboob, Kwanzaa, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Riddle, Fox News, Red Lobster, Stratego, or Snow angels. You have a 1/10 chance to get this correct. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Peace <3.

↑ Wow, self-reference much?

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

By Y

If you haven't already heard (which you probably have), RAHB started a vote to give bureaucrat rights to MadMax, the awesome admin. In a 14–0 vote, Dawg gave him the rights on the 16th. Now, this obviously raised the age old question - what is MadMax's use of this user right?

Ask Zombiebaron

I've got $12 and I'm looking to party (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): At the LCBO they sell a 12oz bottle ("mickey") of this stuff called Alpenbitter for $19.55. It is 40% and tastes like strange candy.

Is Zombiebaron related to Che Guevara? (asked by Joe9320): I am over 300 years old. So, uh, no I am not related to Che Guevara. But if I was it would totally look exactly like this classic featured image.

Zombie, you being an internet celebrity and all; have you ever given an autograph to anyone's boobs? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Not yet. It is definitely a goal of mine though.

Zombiebaron, how old were you when you first molested your priest? (asked by Hotadmin4u69): Old enough.

Ooo, baby, won't ya give me your love tonight? (asked by RAHB): Yeah man! If by "love" you mean "make dick jokes on IRC", and by "tonight" you mean "every night".

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!
NEXT WEEK! A SPECIAL BONER EDITION!

Confucius say

Good to meet girl at park, but better to park meat in girl
Couple who engage in battle have a "war"nderful wed-dying
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time
Man who raises angry chickens eats raging cock for dinner
Man who have sex in psych ward... fucking crazy!
Man who go to Vatican to visit pope... Vatican't

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

13:33, March 14, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (ERROR: USER IS TOO SEXY TO BE BANNED)

13:31, March 14, 2013 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (I'm not a noob, I'm simply not Zombiebaron. *Hail! Hail*)

06:33, March 14, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 193.44.1.86 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Wankstain)

01:47, March 14, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.200.243.166 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (fuck off and dont ever return ty)

21:55, March 13, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiemoron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Not being Zombiebaron)

IRC Log Of The Week
<Kippy> You know chaos theory and/or the Butterfly Effect? What if it could cause ripples through the spacetime continuum? Like, say, I farted while peeing and retroactively caused the Holocaust.
<Strainj1> hahaha
<Strainj1> it probably did
<Kippy> :O
<Kippy> A sandwich caused one of the World Wars, so I'm not ruling it out.
<Strainj1> probably a pastrami and cucumber sandwich
<Strainj1> they're evil

Biopic: In Their Own Words

SKIZZERZ IN ACTION.

Skizzerz takes the seat in the the one and only Biopic of the Week, only available on demand! Well, before we start, you need to know that Skizzerz's natural habitat is on the IRC and lurks within the darkness! So, that'll be a reason you don't know who he is if you are stupid and are one of those who don't! Here's what Skizzerz had to tell the press:

Uh, well I'm a college student who likes computers, wikis, video games, and girls. Over the years I've been mostly hanging out on Uncyc's IRC chan and not really editing much (read: I only edit when Zombiebaron tells me to). My favorite article is probably the one where it tells you not to click any links, and my favorite year would probably be 2013 because we (finally) left Wikia.

And this was his closing remark:

Don't expect me to be any more active because of this, I have the title of "resident lurker" to uphold after all! :P

And there you have it! Skizzerz!

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Why?:Your cat died

Originally featured on 13 December 2012

Rick, this is a bad time. A very, very, very bad time. I'm so sorry. But, hey! Listen. You can't be mad at me. You shan't be mad at me! Even though you hired me to babysit your cat, it was not my fault! Now the reason why Mr. Snickermuffins died is not one that could be easily taken for truth. But, in this case, it was what happened. I swear! What are you doing Rick? Stop searching for evidence and knifes! DAMMIT RICK! RICK! I can explain! Just stop panicking, Rick! God dammit! Rick. Listen. (Full article...)

Random Article of the Week

Elizabeth Weir

Feature of the Week

Nillion

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 02:27, 21 March 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost’s BONER TIME![edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

March 28th, 2013 • Issue 192 • The USP that'll make good penis jokes!

News From Under The Cabal's Desk

By Hotadmin4u69

UnNews has its own Facebook page now and the podcast that Zimulator used to run has been relaunched here. We already have 45 subscribers!

Happy Monkey Competition 2013

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

HMC 2013 for the win!

On March 20th, we started the 2013 Happy Monkey Competition/Happy Monkey Competition 2013 and had 13 users sign up to participate in the competing bit. The 13 competitors were Aleister, Puppy, Acmed2, Zombiebaron, Kelton2, Leverage, Sir Peasewhizz, Scofield, RAHB, Cat the Colourful, Madclaw, IFYMB!, and MrN9000. Leverage, Kelton2, Madclaw, and Puppy never wrote anything. Maybe they were sleeping? Do people do that for 36 hours straight? I believe so.

People scoring 70 out of 100 points (passing GPA :D) were Aleister (with Second conquest of the moon as her topic), Sir Peasewhizz (with Ding dong ditching houses as his topic, but later changed it to an UnBooks), IFYMB! (with his UnReview of the Crimean War) and Zombiebaron with his book about meeting his enemy on that one day. He scored 97 out of 100 points, which is quite considerably erotic.

So, for once, we ask you! What did you think? Did you love it? Did you love the HMC this year? You better have, or we'd be sad.

Thanks
Shabidoo,
Multiliteralist,
Y,
Sarah Baldewijns
(judges)

And kudos to Shabidoo for hosting the 2013 Happy Monkey Competition, and his friend Sarah Baldewijns for judging assistance!

Did you hear MY CHEM BROKE UP I'M SAD NOWWW

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

IT WAS MY FAVORITE BAND AHHW WYAYYWHEYH WHYYYYYYYYY GODD?!! WHY?! I'm just gonna kill my-!

Ask Zombiebaron - BONER EDITION

Why does porn give me a boner? (asked by RAHB): Porn tricks your penis into thinking that it is time for sex.

Why does porn give RAHB a boner? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Because he lies to his penis.

Yeah, why does porn give RAHB a boner? (asked by Multiliteralist: Because he lies to his penis.

Do brains give you a boner? (asked by RAHB): "Brains" has multiple meanings. Yes to all of them.

Why does ANTHROPOMORPHIC COCKSUCKER ask so many irritatingly sexual questions? (asked by Moose): Because they are funny.

Why haven't you answered that RAHB/boner question yet? (asked by Multiliteralist): I was waiting to answer all the boner questions in one huge omnibus edition.

Why is Moose so frustratingly sexually frustrated? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): He doesn't dip his nutsack in whiskey on an hourly basis like the rest of us.

Why do irritatingly sexual questions and frustration give me boners? Yes, more than one. (asked by RAHB): Because you have evolved into a higher realm of sexuality.

What's my problem with women? (asked by Matthlock): They can smell your hymn.

Yeah, why can't Mattlock get a boner? (asked by RAHB): He needs to dip his nutsack in whiskey more often.

Why didn't you answer that one yet? It's the most relevant of the bunch so far. (asked by Multiliteralist): ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Does anybody else find it ironic that question number 69 is about my boners? (asked by Matthlock): No.

Does anybody else find it erotic that question number 69 is about Matthlock's boners? (asked by RAHB): I heard that Frosty jerked off to it several times.

Why can't RAHB quit going on about Matthlock's boners? (asked by Multiliteralist): RAHB likes boner.

Why this forum turned into a 'Ask Zombiebaron questions about other's questions'? And why am I asking this? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Because all of you are too lazy to actually come up with something original.

Or am I just a time paradox? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Nope, everyone is lazy.

If Cat is a time paradox, does he still get boners? (asked by RAHB): Yes.

There really are a lot of boner-related questions. What is a boner? (asked by Moose): A hard penis.

And how do I get one? (asked by Moose): Very carefully.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!'

Check out these pages!

VFP you assholes - Penis?
An IP's opinion on Uncyclopedia - THIS IS A DICTATORSHIP YOU SHALL BE DESTROYED LOL!
New User names - Player.
Spanish website goes with adds - I believe it's spelled with only one D. Sorry, I'm a Grammar Nazi. Top in my graduating class. Bi-atch.

From our DICK logs:

14:59, March 27, 2013 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 178.141.80.239 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (DAAS FYHJG SDF F GGF GGGSDSA)

06:45, March 27, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 5.254.133.90 (Talk | contribs) to an expiry time 6 months (I do not like green eggs and spam.)

06:45, March 27, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 5.254.133.90 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I do not like green eggs and spam.)

21:33, March 24, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Shemap Wolvan (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years ‎ (THANKS FOR THE VALUABLE CONTRIBUTIONS!)

21:38, March 23, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zana Dark (Talk | contribs) (Been a year but let's see if she will even return.)

17:19, March 22, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.230.196.240 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Test drive getting banned)

IRC Log Of The Week
<SirPeasewhizz> lol
<derpyy> lol HOLOCAUST denial is gay
<Kippy> BEAKING NEWS: THE SITE IS BACK UP
<Hotadmin4u69> HOMOSEXUALITY

Biopic: In Their Own Words

THIS IS HOW CRAZY RAFAEL REALLY IS! CRAAAAAAAAZZYYY!!

In this issue on this given week, we interview the very crazy one: Very Crazy Rafael! This man is commonly more seen lurking around IRC and hasn't made his user page yet. So red links are his thing. But this is what this CRAZY Rafael had to say to the press:

I found the Wiki on July 17, 2008. I am Brazilian, so I'm user of the Portuguese version: "Desciclopédia." My first article was about Jerusalem, translated from the English version. My best article is about the game: Grand Theft Auto IV. I'm male, I'm 18. I am practicing law.

And this was his closing remark:

The project wiki has a great potential, you just realize that it affects your life, when you edit daily.

And there you have it! The very crazy; Very Crazy Rafael!

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Sideboob

Originally featured on 9 April 2010

Sideboob comes into play when a fashionable upper-class woman wants you to lust after her breasts, but can still live with herself in polite society. Sideboob, which is a peek-a-boo look at the side of either one or both breasts, aesthetically enhances any situation in which it appears. In fact, in our virtual/material/antropological world, good Sideboob is usually so attention-grabbing that all of the other objects of attraction in the vicinity can only brood silently, start the toe tapping thing, get into the arms crossed pose, and then storm out. That is the power of Sideboob. (Full article...)

Random Article of the Week

13 year old intelligence

Feature of the Week

Still life

Confucius say

Man who split wood is Tiger Woods.
If there was a tiger in woods, doesn't that mean Tiger Woods?
Large penis hurt girl? Hurt pussy.
Insert new password, penis.
Too small. Need a new one.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 21:53, 28 March 2013 (UTC)

This isn’t an April Fool’s Day Prank! This is the UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

April 4th, 2013 • Issue 193 • April showers bring February flowers. Wear protection.

We are so, so sorry

By Snippy

Move, bastard, move!

Yes, it's true. After only three months of sickly sweet freedom, our "Free" Uncyclopedia has broken. As the main page announced only days ago, our brief period of independence has come to an end, and it is now time to reconcile with the welcoming - if brutally oppressive - arms of Wikia. Or, in the bittersweet, tear-wrenching words of RAHB; "All will be assimilated into the bliss of the Grand Wikia Empire. Those who resist will be disposed of." Amen to that!

Maybe years in the future, we will even look back and say that the day we repented was the day that everything changed for the better. A date that will surely go down in history for Uncyclopedia: April the 1st.

... Wait, April the 1st? You guys fucking got me again, didn't you? Oh, wow.

(Thanks to Kip the Dip for the awesome April Fools Main Page!)

Easter!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

The Easter Bunny!

So... what did you do this Easter Sunday? Did you even celebrate Easter? Did you see any bunnies in your house hiding eggs? Laying eggs? Making you "special candy"? I know I sure did! If you're not doing anything next year 'round, you could do some of these things; ~~kill a baby~~, do nothing, watch baseball, make a sandwich, skateboard, eat soup, and worship ~~Satan~~ Jesus! Happy Easter from the UnSignpost! Ruining your lives since 2008!

Ask Zombiebaron

Will you answer this question? (asked by Hotadmin4u69): Yes.

Why Hotadmin4u69 stole my question? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Manifest Destiny.

Why did ^ those two do what I was just about to do? (asked by Multiliteralist): Because none of you are creative enough to come up with cool questions like "Is eating my own poop kosher?" (The answer is "It depends on what the poop is made out of")

Does salad have inherently supernatural qualities? (asked by RAHB): Yes. If you eat enough salad you will turn into a supernatural dirty hippie. It is magic.

Do zombies like salad porn? (asked by Lost Labyrinth): Everybody likes salad porn.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!'

Confucius say

Man who make mistake in elevator is so wrong on many levels.
Man who fish in other men's well often catch crabs.
Man who hauls donkeys, hauls ass.
Ching chang ding dong.
War no determine who is right, but rather who is left.

Random Article of the Week

Pendle Hill

Feature of the Week

Get-rich-quick scheme

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

21:25, April 2, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Frank Zappa (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I will always remember the day that I blocked Frank Zappa from uncyclopedia :D)

21:36, April 1, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked This Is The End (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (The cabal wishes it)

19:24, March 30, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 221.130.18.183 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (this IP has aids)

21:37, March 29, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a goose ‎ (Making up silly block reasons just to get in the USP)

19:17, March 29, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 12 seconds ‎ (I've had it with these motherfuckin' UnSignposts without my motherfuckin' name linked in them. Put this ban in the ban log plz. ; D)

11:23, March 29, 2013 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked Malamammais (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (<-- I'm with stupid.)

01:53, March 29, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.203.83.90 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (suck my dick or get the fuck out)

IRC Log Of The Week
<SirPeasewhizz> Oh god UncycBot is funny
<UncycBot> SirPeasewhizz: Great. I am a Christian.
<SirPeasewhizz> I'm lying
<SirPeasewhizz> He's stupid
<UncycBot> SirPeasewhizz: Please tell the truth.
<CatTheColourful> hahaha

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, we traveled to Saskatchewan to visit the ancient and revered Taiwanese sheep herder Lon Chang Eee, to ask him about his rich and storied life experiences traveling the Earth and meeting its various peoples. Unfortunately, he was not home. So instead, we interviewed Madclaw. When we arrived, he was naked and entirely covered in mustard, prompting us to ponder why we didn't come to him in the first place. He told us this about himself:

"My prick is a biohazard. One......................... two................................................ three....................................... four............................................... five............................................ six............................................... seven............................................... and a half................. inches. And due to the large amount of pubic hair you almost can't see the genital warts."

Speaking of my prick I once tried to thrust it into a grapefruit but due to the PH value of it my dickhead kept feeling a burning sensation. Fucking grapefruit give you crabs kids, unlike Grae-fruits, they give you AIDS."

He also told us that the most exciting thing he had ever stuck in his butthole was "A French hookers tiny dildo when I 69'ed her".

We can all learn a great deal from this man, who apparently also has something to do with a Star Trek fan site or something.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

History of Google

Originally featured on 6 May 2009

Since it became the world's most popular search engine, many people imagine that the Google™ corporation of California™ is a young company. However, this is not the case. Google was first registered as a trademark as long ago as 1894 and has been in business ever since, though it is only in the last decade that it has achieved the international fame that it now enjoys. (Full article...)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 18:23, 4 April 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost Time, Folks! I repeat, UnSignpost Time![edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By Mordillo, We Swear!

April 11th, 2013 • Issue 194 • Chicago Cubs 0 (HAHAHAHA! GET IT? THEY SUCK!)

Oh boy is my cat a horny bastard!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

I love you.

Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boooyyy! My cat is a horny bastard! Seriously! My cat won't shut up! He's always chewing on my chords, meowing, biting my laptop's corners (of the screen) and interrupting my Yankees baseball game! Seriously, what should I do? I wanted to write something interesting today for the UnSignpost, but I have to deal with this cat situation! His name is Max by the way. Somebody help me! My cat is horny! HORNY!

I love Mila Kunis

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

I love you.

I love Mila Kunis. I'm sorry, but I really do. She is my girlfriend. I'm not kidding. Why would I lie to you? I LAUGH. This is serious, just like the whole website. Serious matter.

I love this woman.

I love you baby.

Seriously, lots of love.

Ask Zombiebaron

What do brains taste like? (asked by Simsilikesims): Everybody's brain tastes different based on what sort of stuff they think about. My favorite is people who think about pizza.

If beans are such a musical fruit, how come they can only play the trombone? (asked by Modusoperandi): Beans believe in quality not quantity. Why play multiple instruments when you can just play one really really well.

Have you seen Iron Sky? XDD (asked by Cat the Colourful): Yes! I finally watched it a few weeks ago and totally forgot to answer this question. I highly recommend this movie to all fans of my column. Two words: space nazis.

If you mixed a Zombiebaron, an Olipro and a Mr winkler, what would be the ultimate outcome? (asked by Lost Labyrinth): The superior Zombiebaron DNA would devour the other two and you would get a clone of me.

Dear, Zombibaron [sic], is professional wrestling fixed? (asked by RAHB): I didn't know it had been broken.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!'

Confucius say

Life is like butt hair. Short and full of crap!
Elvis not dead. He is doing the Jail House rock in HELL!
Man who finger girlfriend during her period, caught red-handed!
He who laugh last think slowest!
Man with hand in pants feel cocky all day long!

Random Article of the Week

Pants Anderson

Feature of the Week

UnNews:Bellicose Uzi kills Lebanese gangster’s ex-wife

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

21:24, April 9, 2013 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a salmon ‎ (Possibly discriminating against Wiccans.)

21:13, April 9, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Using "W***a" in a block reason. Irony.)

10:31, April 9, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked TanyaArne (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Abusing multiple accounts: Fuck you too.)

10:30, April 9, 2013 Hotadmin4u69 (Talk | contribs) blocked BrookeTra (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Tired of these bot created accounts with names. What happens when the real Brooke Tra tries to join Uncyclopedia? Nothing, because you stole her username you faggot)

22:35, April 8, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Wanda The Monkey (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Have a nice day)

02:10, April 5, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (Banning me for nearly 2 years over a link on a subpage that I haven't edited in over a year seems a bit much)

01:52, April 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 667 days ‎ (mentioning Wikia in a block reason)

22:28, April 4, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 666 days ‎ (A HARD-LINK TO WIKIA???? ZOMBIEBARON?!?!? ZOMBIEBARON!!!!)

13:12, April 3, 2013 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.230.138.106 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (:()

IRC Log Of The Week
<Dex> Shut up, Kip.
<derpyy> Shut the things got up, because we watch Dexter PORN
<Dex> And leave that poor IP alone.
<Kip2> That's my ghost, you idjit.
<Tigerman_> Idjit?
<Kip2> Yeah. That's a slang word, right?

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week, for the Biopic we went to the extremes of MAGIC BUS RIDES! Ladies and gentlemen! The magical MagicBus! YEAH! This is what he had to say for us at the UnSignpost! And yes, the ride was magical! I came. But you don't want to know that. That's icky stuff. Here's what MagicBus had to say:

Hello, I'm MagicBus. I have a mom and a dad. I also have one cool sister and three very annoying brothers. I am Christian and I believe in God. My favorite colors are blue, green and black. I am currently attend high school and I'm in 11th grade.

I will try my best to kick the 5-time champion and the 4-time champion out of NASCAR. My favorite football team is the Buffalo Bills and I extremely hate the Cheaters. I also like many rock bands from the 60's, 70's and 80's and wish Justin Bieber to hit puberty and to stop kissing his girlfriend. I also love to play the drums and I play them like Keith Moon of The Who. My favorite NASCAR driver is David Ragan. And this was his closing statement, which came extremely magically:

I'm MagicBus and I approve this message!

There you have it everybody! The magical, the transportation daredevil, the hip MagicBus! Yes, cheer. Cheer. Harder, louder, faster stronger. Now twist. One more time. Okay stop! Hammertime.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Minecraft

Originally featured on 30 August 2012

Minecraft is a sandbox-building independent video game written entirely in Java, created by Swedish professor Markus "I-can't-make-circles-or-other-shapes" Persson.

Persson began on the project after he decided that he had a deep yearning to create a game that was more boring than real life. Instead of, you know, making something that would actually benefit the world. At the time, he probably thought the project as small, insignificant. Little did he know that his creation would soon amass a mighty army of sheepish gamers that would never have a relationship or even know a life outside of Minecraft.

The game is mainly comprised of extremely pixelated blocks, gardening tools, inconsistent gravity and 12 year olds who will spend every waking moment at this little game. (Full article...)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 00:35, 11 April 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost, late and lazy![edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

April 19th, 2013 • Issue 195 • Fresh shredding material for your kitty's claws

I apologize, dudes!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

It seems last issue, I had a minor outbreak about my about my cat's out-of-control horniness. But my love for Mila Kunis still stands tall.

I apologize, bitches and dudes.

Here's a picture of broccoli.

Broccoli, guys!

Wait thoughhhh!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Do you think Katy Perry is hot?

Sure thing.

Ask Zombiebaron

If we were to crash several small meteors into Mars as to build up its mass slightly and we then syphoned some of the greenhouse gases from Venus' atmosphere and enveloped Mars in it, would Mars become habitable? What about Venus? Would it cool down enough following the removal of the greenhouse gases? (asked by Dexter111344): Yes.

I made a movie called "iRape". How do I promote it in theatres? (asked by Hotadmin4u69): Very carefully.

Questions? (asked by Cat the Colourful): Yes please.

How many walruses could you (as in, YOU, Zombiebaron) put in a bathtub with doughnuts on their tusks? (asked by Strainj1): You haven't defined all the variables. How long do I have to complete this? Over the course of several decades I could probably slowly kill and transport hundreds of walruses.

Is it the heat, or is it the humidity? (asked by RAHB): The heat. Heat causes humidity.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!'

Confucius say

She who whisper secret, whisper one word. "Secret". Literally.
Man with four balls cannot walk, wrong baseball, you wrong!
Man who called gay while happy has boner?
This week, USP at least percent effort
The above quote barely make sense.

Random Article of the Week

Vasily Tolstoy

Feature of the Week

Drawing

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

07:46, April 15, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.244.172.142 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (a sad little man that needs some time alone with his right hand)

02:49, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Wakkoswish123 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (I am remarkably certain that I gave you the civility speech. Correct me if I'm wrong.)

02:37, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mr-ex777 (Talk | contribs) (Sang the My Little Pony theme song. Clearly shown a change of heart. His heart is all furry now. Which makes it less useful in cardiovascular processes, but strangely cute.)

02:28, April 11, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Mr-ex777 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (What he's doing is seriously so not blanking. You're an idiot.)

IRC Log Of The Week
<gaybo_the_clown> the anime came first
<gaybo_the_clown> like everything in japan
<gaybo_the_clown> it's based on anime
<SirPeasewhizz> \wp Date Masamune
<gaybo_the_clown> I'm not even sure japan exists
<gaybo_the_clown> I think it's just from cartoons and fucked up porn
<gaybo_the_clown> like king arhur

Biopic: In Their Own Words

Sorry, we're too lazy.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Hollywood tour

Originally featured on 28 March 2010

Welcome on board everyone, or as our German friends would say, "Hello!" I'm Stephen Baldwin. You may recognise me from the front of that pamphlet you're holding. This is Stephen Baldwin's Excellent Tour of Hollywood, On a Bus, driven by Me, Stephen Baldwin. I bet you didn't know I was a bus driver! Well, things aren't so flash in the movie business lately. Hold my whiskey... thanks. God, I'm Irish!

Let's all buckle in and get started. Actually, I couldn't afford seatbelts. Whenever I'm not talking -- not often, I assure you! -- feel free to ask me questions about me! I'll respond by talking about myself. Now I know you folks are probably wanting to see the sights -- and you will! But mostly, I'm just going to talk about myself and drive past them all at 60 miles an hour. (Full article...)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:39, 19 April 2013 (UTC)

The 2 Days Tardy USP![edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

April 25th, 2013 • Issue 196 • Good morning... just kidding.

Writers are writing! VFH is getting a boost! HOW DO I KEEP IT IN MY PANTS?!

By Sir Peasewhizz de New York

Lol. Voting.

Whilst I sit, watching a Yankees Classics rerun-David Cone's Perfect Game, I become bored. Yes, bored. Sorry to break out the truth stick. So let us talk, paper to reader. Why do you give such gay faces when I say that? Is it that you don't like me? You don't like me?! THE UNSIGNPOST PAPER?! Well then you can just rip me the FUCK UP! Just kidding... I enjoy living.

It seems that Votes for Highlight has received a blow. Er, a boost. You fucking pervert. Gawd! Anyways, good job ladies on taking VFH (around 6 votes per article) and pushing it somewhere else! (10.03 votes per article as of Friday, April 19th)

And you guys are writing! FUCK YEAH!

PLS

By ~~Snippy~~ Nobody

The 12th Poo Lit Surprise will commence on the 26th of April. Judges sign up here. Writers could win a fortune. Mark you calendars.

Ask Zombiebaron

Ain't I clean? Bad machine. Super cool, super mean. (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): So fresh and so clean.

Howcome you never change your signature? (asked by Y): It is hard to improve on perfection.

What is sex? (asked by Sir Peasewhizz): The Latin word for the number six.

What kind of username is 'Zombiebaron'? (asked by THC420): My kind of username.

Is it true that you don't pick the best questions but the easiest ones instead? There have been rumours. (asked by Multiliteralist): I pick the best questions and then I make them look easy.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!'

Confucius say

He who say thy is out of date and should go on dating sites
These are still corny joke givings
And the racist accent-wording is corny too
5+5=10
That is fucking random
That was explicit!
You explicit! FOO!
We all explicit at times
Agreed
Disagreed
Wow gay
FROSTY
Gets hit by cars?
This isn't suppose to be a conversation column
Fuck...!

Random Article of the Week

Tremors

Feature of the Week

Public domain

Check out these pages!

Buenos tardes... tsk tsk... and repetitive. This was in the USP not long ago...
Hey look! A PEE REVIEW! DAMN! I JUST DID IT! YES I DID! I JUST PUT A PEE REVIEW IN THE FRICKIN USP! - I'm so naughty! Wait, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

From our logs:

01:16, April 19, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Cindy889915 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years, 6 hours, 32 minutes and 24 seconds ‎ (Please come back in 3 years and try again)

23:45, April 18, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Papapage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (SPEAK ENGLISH)

21:07, April 17, 2013 Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) blocked QUARTETTO DEI RICCHIONI con Legoktm e Zombiebaron e Bizzebeever e Sir Peasewhizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (that's nice)

19:10, April 17, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 96.49.73.175 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (u do gay thing, u banned now.)

IRC Log Of The Week
<RAHB> Sure, as soon as I finish watching How To Irritate People
<SirPeasewhizz> lol
<RAHB> Clever flick, incidentally :)
<RAHB> Got most of the Monty Python cast pre-Flying Circus
<SirPeasewhizz> hahaha

Biopic: In Their Own Words
For this week's Biopic, we turned our attention to Denza252, because he is the master of Biopic'n! Here's what this dude had to say! Behold:

I am denza252, I am an aspie adhd suffering bipolar schizophrenic, soon I will be an uncyclopedia administrator and I have big plans for this wiki, I am a southern baptist christian and my favorite Star Wars character is Quinlan Vos, I am gonna murder SPIKE for impersonating me

And this was Denza252's closing statement:

is that enough?

Yes. That is enough. Superb, in fact! Everybody, give it up for Denza252! Woo, woo!

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Tojo Books

Originally featured on 16 March 2010

THE STORY OF THE MOST FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL BOOK WAR -- NOW IN PAPERBACK!

Intrigue! Perfect binding! Warehouse Fires! Price Cutting!

The members of the board hushed as President Roosevelt strained to rise and speak. Finally, leaning unsteadily against the mahogany table, the president spoke:(Full article...)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:03, 27 April 2013 (UTC)

Crypt on![edit | edit source]

Hokey, here's my opinion:

Krypton seems to pose no threat the way you describe it. Even with a threat, you would need something extra to make it interesting beyond an ordinary scifi threat.
If they offered help you would have a cornucopia. In this case you would need a proxy. You could, for instance, write an article on Krypton that is quite clearly propaganda trying to make them appear friendly while they are just waiting to grind us into fertilizer - and use the propaganda article as a source for a totally transparent UnNews about how Kryptonians are our friends - and then a column, for instance, where someone waxes hysterical about these people. You wouldn't need to unveil the whole deal at all but just keep the propaganda and counter-propaganda alive for years if need be. You could skirt some real life issues with the articles; fabricate evidence of Kryptonians' friendliness, stuff like that.
Why like this? Because human interaction is always the defining factor. We fail to get interested if something is too far removed from things we can relate to.
if you choose to go this way, I'll join in at some point.

-- Style Guide 10:06, 2 May 2013 (UTC)

Hello[edit | edit source]

I am on a roll! Recently wrote two articles that might need improvement: the Veloso siblings (you'll know who they are if you read it) and Ana Gabriel. Enjoy! -- the dorky contralto 20:34, 28 May 2013 (UTC)

Week-old news two weeks late: The UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

June 6th, 2013 • Issue 198 • Back and ~~better than ever~~ still pretty adequate.

News Roundup At The OK Corral

By RAHB

Yes, we've returned. Yes, we're still incredibly good looking.

Here we are, we are not dead. Ignore the fact that the staff is entirely changed from last time. We did not murder them. And we definitely didn't murder Sir Peasewhizz. Because that would be just terrible. What we did do, however, is listed below:

Recently Uncyclopedia's esteemed writing competition, the Poo Lit Surprise took place, and the outpouring of entries would have been overwhelming if it had happened. The meager number of entries we did receive seems to have done the trick though, as it has kept the judges confounded and overwhelmed for several weeks past the judging deadline now. We suspect that they are toiling away, scrutinizing every fine detail of the pieces entered, to ensure that the Uncyclopedian people are guaranteed results of the utmost quality. And we certainly did not murder Legoktm. That would be just terrible.
The monthly awards pages have been vigorously steam-cleaned and you can hardly notice the stains anymore. Archival and blurb'ing is under new management. So vote now for your favorite writers, noobs, Uncyclopedians, potatochoppers, morons and everything else! It's also time to vote on the Top 3 of May, and don't forget about VFH, VFP and VFD. And, perhaps most importantly of all, VOTE FOR SANDWICHES! The future of Uncyclopedia depends on it.
An insidious stream of buttsex farticles relating inexplicably to Doctor Who and Mr-ex777 has recently taken over Uncyclopedia's mainspace. There is no reason to be alarmed, this is just another of the strange series of ways in which the BBC is celebrating the 50th anniverary of the popular long-running science fiction series. They've also recently dressed mating animals in Doctor garb at the San Diego Zoo, anonymously left replicas of the Eleventh Doctor's sonic screwdriver inside various cakes and chocolate bars, and spray-painted Matt Smith's penis onto several trains and bus stops, in hopes of building up hype for this Novemeber's big event.
This week we were treated to the triumphant return of one of our most beloved image manipulators and an all-around great gal, Sonje! She's already taken to clearing out the backup at Image Request, helping out with the projects of a few delirious madmen and laughed heartily at the antics of a certain unnamed IRC Markov bot. Go welcome her aggressively on her talk page so that she doesn't leave to work on her Master's degree again!
IFYMB! is a poopsmith now because I said so.

And there you have it. That is literally everything that happened on Uncyclopedia since the last UnSignpost. It may have seemed like not much information, but really we just used a sort of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey device to cram a hell of a lot of data into a very short space of time. This is part of the UnSignpost's new technological advances that will make us a constant competitor in the world of wiki-news in the future. Please, tell your friends. Please. Seriously, please.

Also, Wikia still sucks (just in general). But please don't murder them. That would be just terrible.

Ask Zombiebaron

When does the next UnSignpost come out? (asked by Moose): Right now!

Does UnSignpost even happen anymore? (asked by IFYMB!): Yes!

Is USP neutered? Ever? (asked by Cat the Colourful): We tried once and it bit off Dr. Skullthumper's left hand. He had to completely relearn how to masturbate.

Can frogs be neutered? (asked by IFYMB!): Anything can be neutered.

Yeah when is the next USP? (asked by Multiliteralist): Right now!

Can I ask two questions? (asked by Multiliteralist): In this special edition of Ask Zombiebaron, yes. However your third question ("Or three?") cannot be answered in this issue. You will have to wait until next time to learn the answer!

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

00:06, May 31, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 123.202.12.124 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (I'm still intrigued about this "blood of the number one scorer" that you keep mentioning. Is it an album or something?)

22:02, May 30, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 61.180.49.18 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (That edit summary was so METAL)

12:36, May 22, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 209.221.90.250 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Thanks for coming back after your last ban! See you in 6 months!)

10:02, May 15, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Arcom0911 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (If you're gonna bully kids at your school at least have the balls to do it somewhere they might actually see)

17:00, May 8, 2013 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 208.54.35.187 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Oi! You! Stop titting around!)

IRC Log of the Week
[23:46] <ifymb> Sounds very scientific
[23:47] <RAHB> Oh, it is
[23:47] <RAHB> Trust me, it totally is
[23:47] <RAHB> We have test tubes and everything
[23:47] <ifymb> Lab coats?
[23:47] <ifymb> You gotta have lab coats
[23:48] <RAHB> Yeah we've got lab coats
[23:48] <RAHB> Well
[23:48] <RAHB> We've got one lab coat and we just sort of share it
[23:50] <ifymb> what, you all have a patch
[23:50] <ifymb> all you all fit in one?
[23:57] <RAHB> Well, sometimes, if we've had too much to drink
[23:57] <RAHB> But usually we just rotate it around
[23:57] <RAHB> Whoever's using the test tubes gets to wear the coat

Biopic: In Their Own Words
This week Sonje returned to our ranks after nearly two years of inactivity. We were intending to do a Biopic: In Their Own Words on her for this issue of the UnSignpost, but we got lazy, and then we got drunk, and then we started trying on other people's clothes, and then things got really hazy, and now we don't have a biopic for this week. We promise to do it next week though. We totally promise.

Random Article of the Week

Anal Twitmas

Ask Zombiebaron Some More

How do zombies fit in well with everyday society? Gayness? (asked by Lost Labyrinth): We wear wigs.

Coke or Pepsi? (asked by Colin "All your base" Heaney): Coke.

Who touched me? (asked by Hotadmin4u69): A trucker named Paul. He roofied you during your school field trip to Washington DC.

Is the only card you need the Ace of Spades? (asked by RAHB): Of course.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will answer them even more!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Tue, Jun 11 '13 2:32 (UTC)

UnSignpost is back[edit | edit source]

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By Mordillo, We Swear!

July 7th, 2013 • Issue 199 • Still fashionably late.

The PLS results

By Anton

This is needed to know stuff.

The thirteenth edition of the PLS was held a while ago (in May). If you would like to know the result, we (me) decided to make life easier for you and give you the result of the contest, so you don't have to go all the way to the PLS page (one click).

Just to remind you, all in all there were 4 categories and, therefore, there were supposed to be 4 people who got the first place and other 4 who got the second. However, this was not exactly what happened, as there are 6 writers who ~~came from nowhere and~~ won the second place, therefore diminishing the amount of prize money that others got.

And so, here are the results! We (everyone) congratulate Zombiebaron for writing the Best PLS article "The Uncyclopedia's Owner Manual" and IFYMB! for his second best article "UnScripts:The Treaty of Minaj-Black" (these two articles got featured after)! We also congratulate the winners of all the other categories: RedHot ("My Dinner"; the best noob article), TheMillionRabbit ("Hold Your Wii For A Wee contest; the second best noob article) and Tmchale ("Searching for Topological Degeneracy in the Hubbard Model with Quantum Monte Carlo"; the secon second best noob article), Zana Dark ("Disturbed"; the best rewrite), Tmchale again ("Ludwig Wittgenstein"; the second best rewrite) and IFYMB! again again ("Opposite Day"; the second second best rewrite), Zombiebaron again ("The Last Unicorn in Vinnitsa"; the best potatochop) and finally Dexter111344 ("Ghost in the Trench"; the second best potatochop)! Thanks to all the participators and judges!

The Uncyclopedia App

By Anton

There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.

The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).

The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it). Anton (talk) 12:51, 6 July 2013 (UTC)

Ask Zombiebaron!

Who is your real identity? Before being a zombie? (asked by Y): Before being a zombie I was just a regular person that nobody had ever heard of named Burt Reynolds.

Dear Zombiebaron, is it true that you own Mike Nesmith's original wool hat? (asked by RAHB): No, that is not true.

Is uncyclopedia supposed to be stupid? (asked by Lyrithya): No, it's supposed to be funny.

Will you make me an admin again, Bureaucrat Zombiebaron? (asked by Ljlego): Yeah.

Or three? (asked by Multiliteralist): Nope.

Ask Zombiebaron questions and he will probably never answer them!

Check out these pages!

Top VFH competitors:

1989 (8.5:2.5)
Probability theory (7:1)
George H. W. Bush (4.5:0)

VFH Highlights of the week

UnNews:Islamic controversies ruining 9/11 celebrations across the country (13:1)
UnScripts:The Treaty of Minaj-Black (11.5:3)
The X-HEIRS (8.5:0)

IRC Log of the Week
<Madclaw> "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
<ifymb> ahh yeah

Kippy has joined #uncyclopedia

<Kippy> BUTT POOP!!!!
<Madclaw> where else would poop come from silly
<Madclaw> well except for SPIKE's mouth that is

UnNews of the Week
UnNews:Uninformed Westerners unsure who to support in Egypt

Millions of uninformed idiots in the Western world have been left "completely unable" to decide who to support during the current Egyptian crisis, an UnNews report can exclusively reveal.

When asked his opinion, Todd Layman, 22, an English major, said "Alright! Arabic Spring Part Deux! Democracy now!" However, when we explained that the Muslim Brotherhood was the party elected by the democratic elections which the Arabic Spring provoked, Layman asked us not to print his reaction.

Random Article of the Week

An article that contains nothing but my potato chip situation

IFYMB! Mystery

I fight your mom, Batman! (guess by Multiliteralist)

I found you milking boners (guess by RAHB)

I Forgot Your Milkyway Basket? (guess by Cat the Colourful)

I Fucked Your Mom's Brother (guess by DungeonSiegeAddict510)

I fornicated your mom's bonobo (guess by Hotadmin4u69)

Infinite Flying Yellow Monkey Battleships (guess by Zombiebaron)

Incestuous fellatio, your moronic butt! (guess by Multiliteralist)

I fucked your mom's bitch! (guess by Hotadmin4u69)

I believe it is pronounced just the way you spell it. (guess by Moose)

Guess, guess, guess!

Contributions to UnSignpost

Contributors: IFYMB!, Anton, Zombiebaron

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

IFYMB! Talk to me baby! 10:08 7 July 2013

The UnSignpost: a brilliant new format but less news[edit | edit source]

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!

August 1st, 2013 • Issue #200 • Archives • Press Room

Servers Paid For Until 2014; World Peace Inevitable

Approximately how much money Uncyclopedia has now. Oh well, one zero is still more than no zeroes.

In a genius financial maneuver called "eat only Ramen for nine months", Uncyclopedia administrator Isarra has paid for Uncyclopedia's servers until September with what little student loan money she had left.

The remaining three months of 2013 were paid for with money raised from donations, merchandise sales, and advertising on the Uncyclomedia Shop. It cost $277.80 of the site's whopping $307.51, leaving the rest of the admins with barely enough money for their Ferrari gas tanks and an Uncyclopedia Android app.

However, this makes it obvious that the site is not yet financially self-sustaining and that other methods of generating revenue and/or more exposure to Uncyclopedia are needed if the site will do better in 2014. Ideas proposed on IRC include advertising, finding a generous sugar daddy, playing the lottery, and selling synthetic marijuana. Also worth considering is that even though raising awareness of the site through word of mouth and Operation Infamous is embarrassing and socially isolating, it will attract more people who will (hopefully) put money in our cup. And clicking on the ads in our e-store helps a bit too.

Count to a million fiasco
On July 29th, 2013; the infamous Count to a million thread which is popular for it's time wasting appeal was locked by Frosty in what could be said as "an action of gay gay gay proportions." ~~Several~~ Just three users took to the streets to protest this decision, angry that their only source of time wasting has been taken by one gay snowman; of course, they didn't protest or anything so nothing notable happened.

When we asked Frosty about this, he responded "This is to make sure people edit in the mainspace like they're supposed to, for so long very few edits have taken place in mainspace and it seems like the most popular thing here is that blasted thread. I feel like I've made the perfect choice." However, TheHappySpaceman and co-partner in crime Kırby think otherwise; claiming that "This is just so Frosty can get the "gayest person in the world" award; we've made attempts to make the thread viable by contributing comics and other stuff and to mock all of our attempts, that's gay indeed. Even gayer than Mr. Winkler's F."

Everybody else is oddly not disturbed by this recent conundrum; knowing full well that the thread will be open in a week. "It's nice that we have a motivation to edit mainspace, I was getting tired posting numbers in an attempt to reach a million. Hey, maybe I'll make a featured article in a week." said a random Uncyclopedian. Okay, so it's not much of a fiasco as we portrayed it to be but two people are pissed off and that at least has to make it a mini-fiasco right? As of writing, TheHappySpaceman and Matthlock are currently planning to write a mainspace article, presumably with lots of gay jokes.

UnDroid
For eons, an Uncyclopedia Android app was only a pipe dream. Maybe like two weeks ago. Thankfully, it's now a reality. The app, developed by some guy you've never heard of named Jude Pereira, can be found here. It's free in exchange for money and referring your friends to download the app. The app also has many exciting features such as AutoTypo 1.0, which shrinks the keypad and allows you to create typos faster than ever before, and Zoom 0.8, an innovative feature allowing you to make large things small and small things large. It's truly revolutionary technology, and it's completely free. So download it, use it, and be somebody.

Biopic
In this Biopic we examine the trials and tribulations of Fakehater who, with a few uploads under his belt (however that works), is taking audio requests in the Village Dump. He says he enjoys proofreading, doing audio, and based on his userpage, The Goonies. He is also into older women but, like most UnNews reporters, he has little to offer any dignified, diabetic septuagenarian. Embarrassingly, his IRC nickname is "arsenic_x", which we're pretty sure is what created the Powerpuff Girls.

From The Logs
• 20:53, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lemonpie (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Infinite ‎ (just fuck off pls)
• 17:13, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of -3600 seconds ‎ (how many dicks could a dick sucker suck if a dick sucker could suck dick?)
• 11:41, July 1, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 31 millennia, 6 centuries, 8 decades, 8 years, 269 days, 17 hours, 37 minutes and 3 seconds ‎ (Better number of nines)

Top VFH Competitors
• UnNews:Army launches new recruiting ad campaign (8/0.5)
• UnScripts:Your Guide to Notable Literature: Abridged (6.5/0)
• Constantine II (5.5/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week
Katy Perry hit generator (10/0)

From The Forums
• Remember a time when Uncyclopedia didn't suck
• Hey! This looks like an important thing!
• I can't hear you!
• The day the music was born again and accepted Christ

UnSignpost News
You are probably noticing that the UnSignpost looks a little bit different. That's because it is. If you don't like it then that's just, like, your opinion and stuff man.

IRC Quote
[13:35] <DogTheColourful> I WILL FUCK YOUR HOUSE AND BURN YOUR MOTHER DOWN

Anton (talk) 13:41, 8 August 2013 (UTC)

U-um h--h-hi[edit | edit source]

I-I'm n-not g-g-goo-good w-with p-peo-people, b-but c-could y-you p-p-please v-v-ote y-yes o-on Forum:Forest Fire Week 3.14: Reloaded? I-it w-w-would r-real-really m-mean a l-lot t-to m-m-me. --The Defender of Light >Grand Warlock Danzathel Aetherwing Inventory 22:40, 14 August 2013 (UTC)

Hi![edit | edit source]

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Long time, no talkee. :D ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Aug 19 '13 3:00 (UTC)

Yes, I'm back to write one with a friend that will probably create an account and help tomorrow :) I'm into cycling a lot recently, I ride a lot. I see the site's traffic is down a bit, it's a shame really. I intend on coming back more often and stretch my brain's creative cells a bit. I have not forgotten the awesome elephant pic you shopped for me, after we finish the Tour de France article, I'll find an article to write where it'll be the star image for sure :P Then nom it for VFP (the photoshop contest). How have you been doing? Are you on IRC tonight? --

Mattsnow 03:15, 19 August 2013 (UTC)

Krypton[edit | edit source]

Hey Matt...how are you these days? Good to see you tinkering around on the website. I made some changes to Krypton and I'm hoping to go over more of it. I'm still not entirely sure what to do...but it's always at the back of my uncyclopedian mind. How are you passing the summer? Two days ago I had the biggest craving for poutine in the world. I haven't had it for six years. Why don't you send me a can of St. Hubert's gravy...and in return...I'll send you some Spanish Jamon or some Belgian chocolate ;) --ShabiDOO 15:39, 19 August 2013 (UTC)

Will do lol. Ashton's poutine's good too. I cycle a whole freaking lot, sometimes 100 km a day. Now I'm injured, quadriceps torn :( I was thinking about messaging you about Krypton 10 mins ago lol! I'll take a look at it today, I'll come back to the site for at least a while. Glad your appetite is going well :) --

Mattsnow 16:07, 19 August 2013 (UTC)

Hey my main dude. I just made a few little changes to make the text more consistant with the main theme/concept of the article and I think it's now in pretty good shape. Your TOUR DE FRANCE is coming along nicely! Are you still in North Quebec? --ShabiDOO 18:46, 23 August 2013 (UTC)

No, back in the city :) Torn leg muscle, I don't know when I'll start working again. Anyway, let's nominate Krypton :)

Mattsnow 21:03, 23 August 2013 (UTC)

Thanks for the recent noms![edit | edit source]

I appreciate the recent nomimations and am glad that some of my older work seems to merit at least some attention. It provides motivation to start working on some new articles - something I really will have to do. Again, thanks! Sir NoNamesLeft (GUN) WotM NotM

Forest fire[edit | edit source]

I left a note for you on my talk page. I just removed two forest fire tage (had to look at the page less than 10 seconds to save these two) but since I did that I may be banned, as removing a one-person-placed four a minute tags is a bannable offense within the rules of the Week. So if I am banned, please carry on this cause, as it will be you who must save this site from the tragedy of Forest Fire Week. It's like I can't even look at the pages tagged because there are already so many and good ones abound Aleister 00:16 31-8-;13

You won't get banned bro, I'd be so pissed! I'll do as you say. :)

Mattsnow 16:36, 31 August 2013 (UTC)

I don't think its such a big deal if you remove tags that really ought to be removed. But why don't you show good faith...and for every tag you remove...find one or two articles that REALLY ought to be deleted or at least moved to userplace. Everyone wins. --ShabiDOO 19:37, 2 September 2013 (UTC)

That IP edit on Metal Gear[edit | edit source]

Was me. Just thought you should know. Lord Scofield Stark 18:36, 2 September 2013 (UTC)

Sorry about that, I wasn't sure whether to remove it or not

Mattsnow 21:07, 2 September 2013 (UTC)

Days of the week friendly competition that shabidoo will win and everyone else will fail[edit | edit source]

Your topic is FRIDAY

Let us know if you can't participate and we'll find a substitute

Rules are posted here

I would wish you good luck but I shave my crotch hair every day in September and I'm rather busy.

--ShabiDOO 16:49, 9 September 2013 (UTC)

Mattsnow[edit | edit source]

Hey Matt. I almost never go on MSN at all these days. I do want to talk to you about something though. Could you write me at shabidoo@gmail.com whenever you can please? Pretty please? OH YEAH! OH BABY! Hunka-hunka-burning love. --ShabiDOO 12:52, 18 November 2013 (UTC)

Hey-o, Matty![edit | edit source]

Missed ya. Hope you had a Merry Christmas and all that, and that the kids are fine, and your power plant is built and all that. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Fri, Dec 27 '13 10:43 (UTC)

hie ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!)

09:50, 29 December 2013 (UTC)

thanks for the vlote[edit | edit source]

thanks! martin luther king's tomb has been breached and catalogued, and his mummy will be in a museum near you soon. don't miss it! jeez, this page has seen busier times. let me be the first to say happy new year, and the celebration of st. patty's not too far behind. e.e. aleister 23:17 9_3_14

I'm glad I caused this :D --

Mattsnow 02:30, 10 March 2014 (UTC)

UnSignpost: yet another new format but still less news[edit | edit source]

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

5 May 2014 • Issue #201 • Archives • Press Room

Some headline to make this awful story by an inexperienced editor seem important and newsworthy

By Llwy-ar-lawr
So it seems nothing much goes on these days that's really newsworthy. Sure things happen, new users stop by, edit a while then leave, people write things, but...nothing really notable, you know. But we won't write an entire article about how nothing's happening and how depressing that is because, well, it's depressing, you know? So we're going to tell you about one thing the author - in her extreme vanity - thinks is worthy of reporting and make it seem like that's important and trick you into caring, when you'd really much rather be playing video games or (gasp) writing an article.

This forum resulted in our acquiring a new admin, Llwy-ar-lawr, who is still all over the place just like she was before but now shows up in different places and is making this slow website go a little faster to hide how slow it is (we hope). There are rumours that she sleeps sometimes, but they have yet to be verified. She also happens to be writing this text right now, which is a terrible conflict of interest so we can't say any more on the matter; this means we will distract you with more pointless drivel about nothing. Now back to our regularly scheduled commercials, which we've forgotten to serve you. We bet you were really missing them because they're so yummy and informative. And yellow. That comes from the pee, which is high in nice nutrients like ~~phosgene~~ phosphorus...we think. Probably. We're telling it to you as a fact, though, because we're never wrong.

Retro Week happens

By Anton199

The Retro Week organisers combat Uncyclopedia's liberal minds.

Uncyclopedians, rejoice! A great victory over the forces of liberalism has been won!

We, the Conservative users of Uncyclopedia, have decided that we don't have enough featured in-jokes, clowns, Really Big Trees, user and disambiguation pages, as if we haven’t pulled enough boners (and templates), we are putting all our past ~~glories~~ on our main page, once again, one by one, ten days a week.

Dear readers, only a few days late, the UnSignpost declares the Retro Week open! Applauds!

Originally Shabidoo's very controversial idea, the Retro Week has grown to become the time when all the Uncyclopedia administrators take an official rest from their site work, unless they are also the UnSignpost editors. You don't believe us? Check the recent changes!

So the 2014 Retro Week opened with a really big tree. A very big one. But it is pretty much everything original about it. It pursued with Slender Lorises, that are able to live in wet and dry forests, next - with Template:Boner, which we are not going to use in this UnSignpost, no matter how many times you ask us. Then came the turn of Hardwick Fundelbuggy's Userpage, featured not because it was funny, but because its author had written a lot of funny stuff (following this logic we can feature sandboxes and user contributions). Finally, we saw the Fire Hydrant spreading its waters around Uncyclopedia and slowing down - if not destroying - the servers.

Amongst other pros of the Retro Week are the facts that it gives users a good excuse for not voting on VFH for a while, because nobody does this anyway and that it is keeping our main page busy, while we are making an UnSignpost for you.

Thank Sophia, it happens only once a year!

Biopic We haven't managed to get hold of anyone long enough to get sufficient information out of them for a biopic. They always managed to ooze away just in time. Must be that slime that's got into the works.

From The Logs

• 23:35, 1 May 2014 Llwy-ar-lawr (talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds (account creation disabled) (does this do what I think it does?)

• 08:07, 17 April 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked MediaWiki default (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (you can't do that... YOU JUST CAN'T!!)

• 15:09, 10 April 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 166.216.165.0/24 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (Hey! Hey, guess what? I have a BONER for you to gnaa on! Ha ha ha ha ha pwnt.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Breaking Bad Wind (9/0)

• Why?:Are motorists out to get me when I ride my bike? (9/1)

• UnNews:Massage bugs discovered in Uganda (7/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week This is not an article (12/2)

From The Forums

• Retro Week is in session

• This looks interesting

• This looks interesting too

• Shiny stuff

UnSignpost News This is the first UnSignpost issue since August 2013. If that's not news I don't know what is, so stop complaining.

Chat Quote [22:15] <snerk> I just can't help but think that this is a pattern that is indicative of an anarchist takeover.

– Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 04:34, 5 May 2014

HEYYYYYYYYYYY!!![edit | edit source]

Did you see that Why?:Are motorists out to get me when I ride my bike? was featured? :)

Are you going to try Happy Monkey this year? I hope you do! Won't be the same without you. --ShabiDOO 01:51, 31 May 2014 (UTC)

OK will try. btw the article about motorists was not mine, I just stumbled on it. How are you? I'll try to write sooner or later --

Mattsnow 03:48, 31 May 2014 (UTC)

OK Matt. Great. The tournament starts on Saturday so don't forget to sign up :) --ShabiDOO 23:32, 10 June 2014 (UTC)

Bloody heck! That's like almost now! I had better get my article name sent over soon... J F C 23:37. Jun 10

Canadian Baseball[edit | edit source]

I am writing this article here: Canadian baseball. I'd love your input. The basic joke is to invent a sport that is like Canadian Football - looks very similar to the US version but the scoring, terminology, equipment etc is a little off, with lots of Francophone/British style terminology. I translated White Sox and Red Sox ok, but Yankees is a hard one.... any ideas? --Leverage (talk) 10:15, 10 June 2014 (UTC)

It's been a really, really, really, really long time[edit | edit source]

It's me. I know we haven't talked in what felt like a year and it probably has been, maybe even more. But there's something important I need to tell you: I'm leaving Uncyclopedia. You can hear the whole story here at Forum:My farewell address. Hopefully, you leave a comment, you were one of my best friends on this site. I'd like to hear your input. And if it's up with you, you can send a message to matthlock5@gmail.com. Thanks, and hopefully you'll get this in time. User:Matthlock/sig2 06:25, 24 July 2014 (UTC)

Have you...[edit | edit source]

Have you come out of hibernation? ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 06:28, 25 July 2014 (UTC)

Fatter than ever, I just came out of my den... Give me some vodka to warm up :P

Mattsnow 06:31, 25 July 2014 (UTC)

It's back! - The UnSignpost[edit | edit source]

Word to your mother.

25 July 2014 • Issue #202 • Archives • Press Room

UnSignpost: Return of the worst newspaper in history! By Frosty

Uncyclopedia. A kelpy substance.

Uncyclopedia is like a moldy pile of kelp right now. Not a lot of fun is happening right now. Or is it? Well probably not, but the UnSignpost is back! You know that newspaper that occasionally makes appearances on your talkpage that you also totally read. More than ever this newspaper will be uninformative, filled with articles that seem to endlessly ramble on about nothing in particular just to serve as filler and most importantly it will be the newspaper written by barely literate drunks.

Of course, you must ask, will this project actually be happening on any regular basis? You bet! Certain people who are extremely vain, as proven by the writing himself into the article will try and deliver you an UnSignpost every single Friday! That is of course, unless he gets devoured by a moldy pile of kelp. Then it might not happen. Other writers may also take part in this wonderful franchise, but let's face it, it's more likely that you read this entire article through to the end, than people actually write for this place anymore.

New admin time By Frosty
Once again we find ourselves in that horrible, horrible mode of electing new administrators for Uncyclopedia. A process that never fails to see at least three users permanently quit the site because of "hurt feelings". But apparently, this time will be different. Although we say that every time, we truly mean it this time. Every drama stirrer will win an all expenses paid trip to RAHB's secret rape dungeon where they will have their anus mercilessly pounded with a stick coated in pieces of broken glass, and to top it off, the glass pieces will have been soaked in the HIV virus before hand.

Serious candidates include Kip the Dip, Mr-ex777 and Leverage; and not so serious candidates include RAHB, vandals from 2008 and DungeonSiegeAddict510 (let's face it, who'd vote for him?). And although newspapers are supposed to be non-bias and non-speculative, if you don't vote for Kip, Mr-ex or Leverage you are a loser. Plain and simple.

Users are all encouraged to vote, because unlike with the presidential election, your vote counts! Further more, not every single candidate is a loser, most of them are, but not all of them. Voting commences on August 1, so get ready for some old fashion in your face ~~comedy~~ tragedy!

Biopic For the first time in 2014, we actually have a biopic! This week's biopic is Banzaikitten, who, is one of the very few new comers of 2014 to not bugger off within 7 days of signing up. We would like to thank SPIKE for his contribution in bringing Banzaikitten closer to us through his "take no prisoners" banning style on Wikia. If it wasn't for this, Banzaikitten would never have quit Wikia and joined us at the chosen Uncyclopedia. Please take a moment to thank Banzaikitten for being one of the very, very, VERY few users to join in recent times.

From The Logs

• 14:56, 23 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) changed block settings for 184.7.86.140 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I've decided to use lube. You should feel so lucky.)

• 00:55, 19 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked 184.7.81.56 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Chronic sock wanking and being a really shit vandal.)

• 14:41, 1 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 23.105.212.133 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I’m coming at you like a dark horse)

Top VFH Competitors

• F4 (10/0)

• Potatoe (10/0)

• Bidet (10/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week You Are Gay (13/0)

From The Forums

• Well, do you?

• Goes without saying, this is Uncyclopedia.

• Good riddance!

• Oh boy...

UnSignpost News If you've read the UnSignpost all the way to this point, you need help. Seriously.

Chat Quote [17:12] You have been disconnected. Attempting to reconnect for you...

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!)

09:11, 25 July 2014 (UTC)

Two weeks in a row? A new record! It's the UnSignpost[edit | edit source]

The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!

01 August 2014 • Issue #203 • Archives • Press Room

...And they're off! By Frosty

Just as lame and boring as a horse race, except without the gambling.

Predictably (and because let's face it, nothing else is happening on the site), the admin election takes the lead story. For those of you living under a rock and those that are just plain slow, Kip the Dip is leading the race by far (+19) and should win be a few lengths, this is definitely because of how hard his jockey is riding him. Cat the Colourful is trailing at second with +13, followed by Leverage at +8 and Banzaikitten at +6. Other notable mentions include Aleister, Mr-ex777, Lost Labyrinth Mattsnow and DungeonSiegeAddict510 who have all succeeded in avoiding the highly embarrassing score of getting +1 or less. Feel free to message the losers with negative scores and point and laugh a lot hahaha.

It shuld be no surprise that the page has been mercilessly trolled with other complete joke nominations including The Chief of AIDS and The Zombie of AIDS.

If you haven't been to the forum yet to cast your vote, do it today! Uncyclopedia admin elections: Twice the drama, half the fat!

VFH smells By Frosty
This story is nothing short of a PSA, circle-jerking with traces of vote whoring in as well. If you are reading this, you should vote on VFH. VFH voting takes very effort and makes it, at the very least appear, that we have active users. So get down there some time today and vote on all the articles. Some might say you need to actually read them first, well this is (probably) a good idea, but do bear in mind that we don't actually know if you've read it or not. And unlike, when you didn't read Hamlet in your 9th grade English class there is not going to be a surprise test on the matter.^{[citation needed]}

You should also go vote on Frosty's article(s) currently on VFH, it's the least you could do after he SINGLE HANDEDLY wrote this terrible newspaper for you. If you don't, the length of his e-penis will decrease considerably all because he didn't get another feature on a website with a userbase smaller than an Eastern Siberian village.

Biopic This week's biopic is the user named TheRealSexyFluttershy, which just goes to show how desperate we are for biopics that we are willing to write about literally anyone who shows a vague interest or presence in the site. TheRealSexyFluttershy can be found on The Internet Relay Chats discussing things that have relevance to ponies and poopdick on a disturbingly regular basis. However, he does occasionally make the odd presence on the Wiki and even more occasionally he makes useful edits to some page or another.

If you appreciate him go to his talk page and thank him for his noble contributions in the field of poopdick, if you don't appreciate him please feel free to spam his page with poopdick (although he may start furiously masturbating).

From The Logs

• 16:25, 25 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) (You look like you're doing something important right now. Are you? What is it? Why are you doing it? Did I break it? Would that be bad?)

• 11:46, 26 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Asking for it, begging for it actually.)

• 09:24, 29 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 173.44.44.121 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Now sit in your corner and think about what you've done)

Top VFH Competitors

• Rape (11/0)

• What's-his-name off that thing (10/0)

• F4 (10/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week You Are Gay (14/0)

From The Forums

• Vote if you haven't already!

• Bunch of sluts!

• This has been bumped again, add yourselves!

• How often should we feature things?

UnSignpost News Frosty thinks all the other administrators are highly useless. Yeah, sorry guys but you are.

Chat Quote [21:19] <sleeptyper> RAHB dislikes niggers

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!)

23:41, 1 August 2014 (UTC)

Does this look infected to you? It's the UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.

08 August 2014 • Issue #204 • Archives • Press Room

The return of TKF (sort of)! By Frosty

Filial Piety.

Not that much over a year ago, TKF left us with the classic "I'm quitting forever in a highly obnoxious and auto-fellating manor". For about 66 seconds Uncyclopedians everywhere were sad, we all fapped in sadness at the loss of our beloved TKF and things were never going to be quite the same again. Then we all thought to ourselves "good riddance, I hope he contracts Anthrax and dies."

No surprise, but he has come back under the highly illusive nickname "Argylesocks" which is obviously not somebodies sockpuppet because it contains the word socks in it. I mean, if you were a sockpuppet would you give it away so easily? Flawless logic! He can also be found on IRC chatting casually under the "dcik", showing his support for "The Dyslexia Support Foundation".

Head over to his user page and talk page to find out details about his awesome "Uncyclopedia Retrospect project" which is probably some grand social experiment documenting the life and times of hopeless losers on the internet, but hey it SOUNDED COOL.

Forum dramaz By Frosty
Uncyclopedia has recently had an infestation. An infestation of drama. Drama is bad mmkay? Aside from the obvious fact users get banned, users quit and people proceed to hate each other to the point where you would rub hot English Mustard into their prolapsed anus if you ever saw them in the street, drama distracts you from writing. As does reading the UnSignpost. But reading the UnSignpost is more constructive as the constant not so subliminal messaging telling you to write articles is plastered everywhere. WRITE ARTICLES.

But drama can be entertaining when coupled with cheap scotch and buttered popcorn to the humble obverser. But mainly it's bad, so stop it. No matter how funny you think your drama mongering will never compete with Asperger's Syndrome is no laughing matter... ...~~and the sequel~~ rest of the trilogy.

Biopic This week's biopic is Chaoarren, which if you haven't meet him yet... You suck basically. He can be found on IRC, occasionally editing the Wiki and frequently reporting established users to Ban patrol because "they made fun of him in his pink skirt" or "he smells funny". Chaoarren has also done the highly laughable feat of running dead last in the most vote rigged admin election in history, where losers like Kip the Dip and Colin actually stand a chance of ~~winning~~ losing.

He's also a noob that hasn't buggered off yet. I wish more of them were like you Chaoarren... I really do...

From The Logs

• 11:50, 6 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.115.32 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (You are the weakest Chink. Goodbye.)

• 06:40, 6 August 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked XReaper (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Horse dick)

• 06:14, 5 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.116.97 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Enjoy this beefy cock.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Rape (12/1)

• F4 (11/0)

• Jared Leto (10/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week What's-his-name off that thing (12/0)

From The Forums

• Vote spam (again)

• Are you a bigger slut than RAHB?

• What this is I don't even

• This'll be good...

UnSignpost News Confucius say "Shut the fuck up and edit an article".

Chat Quote [20:17] <James_T> My dick is large

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate)

~ Fri, Aug 8 '14 12:20 (UTC)

More {{Boner}}s than a ragged Playgirl: It's the UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.

15 August 2014 • Issue #205 • Archives • Press Room

I'm back By Sir Peasewhizz

It was dark times being without Uncyclopedia. Maybe if I got out of the dark and went outside once in while it would be less dark. But you know, lazy me.

I plan to visit Uncyclopedia and do my 'thang (wink wink) at least once a week. But I hold no promises because you can't trust me. I'm a hoe and 3!OH!3 told you to NOT TRUST HOES.

However, I'm sure you guys found out why I was absent from the site for a good ~~200 years~~ 4+ months and it was because my old laptop KOed and I finally got a new one for school.

So that means I won't be uploading images of Madiq. (pictured)...

Madiq.

I missed you, just kidding, but really. However, I didn't forget you, maybe sometimes,

Is this a haiku or something? My grammar sucks too.

New admins for you!

By Sir Peasewhizz

New admins/sysops.

Beware everyone, as a result of this there is now an additional 8 new sysops/administrators. They all expect BJS and prizes.
Kip the Dip

Leverage

Supergeeky1

Banzaikitten

Mr-ex777

Colin "All your base" Heaney

Lost Labyrinth

Cat the Colourful

They expect sacrifices. So chop, chop. Make haste.

Biopic This weeks biopic is on someone who doesn't read Uncyclopedia (but they will because we will make them through laughter har har). Her name is Elizabeth and she's from Australia. She showed Sir Peasewhizz her tits...

They were nice. And that is it for today's Biopic. What the fuck did you expect? A fucking biography on the Borgia family?

From The Logs

• 05:37, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (talk | contribs) (I felt bad ;_;)

• 05:36, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Adminning while drunk)

• 05:35, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs)

Top VFH Competitors

• Humans (12/0)

• F4 (13/0)

• HowTo:Cure homosexuality (11/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week UnBooks:Holmes On Homes (16/0)

From The Forums

• Vote spam (again)

• Roman Dog Bird

• Unban a bastard or nah?

• Why is it? Well... because..

UnSignpost News This just in: Don't hit your children.

Chat Quote

[23:56] <SirPeasewhizz> I'm going to go watch anime

[23:57] <thefakeazned525> Which one?

[23:58] <SirPeasewhizz> Uhm Yugioh GX because I'm feeling nostalgic for shitty card games

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate)

~ Fri, Aug 15 '14 20:09 (UTC)

We gave The UnSignpost an enema, so now it's regular![edit | edit source]

The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!

22 August 2014 • Issue #206 • Archives • Press Room

It's the USP!

By Banzaikitten
Welcome to another no longer sporadic edition of Unsignpost. Yes, the quantity of USP's being written has gone through the roof in the last few weeks and as such there is absolutely nothing to report- hence why people who have previously never written one of these are being roped in. One thing of note that has changed is I am now an admin and as such can block RAHB with impunity. God I love to block RAHB. There is nothing quite like the fizzy rush in the root of your penis and the dizzy thrill you get in your anus when blocking RAHB. I urge all who can to try it.

Banzaikitten warns you that this UnSignpost may change your sexual orientation.

But anyway, I'm an admin now and I'm going to try and be the best admin that I can be, and judging from my recent attempt at changing the featured article, and all the admins reactions to my fuck up, the best admin I can be is one who does absolutely no administration work and just writes the occasional UnNews. Thanks for all your votes.

RAHBs Sexuality By Banzaikitten
I know I've already spoken about RAHB but god help me I just can't stop. We all like voting and there is a very important vote occuring right now. You, yes you, could decide what sexuality RAHB is. Come the end of the vote RAHB sexuality will be decided for him and he will have to perform sexual acts of that nature for the rest of time. I'm hoping Ponies wins.

Shame on you By the curate

As the curate and the moral compass of this sinful land I must say that I have been appalled at the terrible news that my milkman brought to me. Although I don't remember his exact words, I'll try to reconstruct his speech from my memory, which - and for this I thank God - I am still honored to possess, despite my respectable age.

“

Now, I heard Mr What's-his-name talk to his son about something he heard in the neighbor's house, which I didn't hear, but Mr. What's-his-name-again described it so well that I am positive I can repeat it almost word-by-word. So his neighbor was giving his dog its food and commenced discussing our village's events with it, Mrs. Elizabeth soon became the topic of the conversation, and she, as you know, has a daughter... And a cat. Oh, what a fine Siamese cat! But it is of no relation to our current subject. So e man and his pet chattered on and on and, apparently, that dog ... oh, I mean the man (but, you know, from a distance you really can't tell the difference) uttered that "Mrs. Elizabeth's daughter once read an educational page on the Internet, which talked about homosexuality and how you cure it." And can you guess who the author its author was? Mr. Frosty, the man who lives next door to you!

”

These were the words of the milkman. However, this isn't all. I was not terrified when I heard this, because teaching fellow villagers to cure an abominable disease, which homosexuality certainly is, is a commendable act from Mr. Frosty's part, especially if it was done with no impulse other than to save good Christians.

Alas, I, we have been greatly deceived in our trust! Beware of the appearances, especially when they are found on the unholy Internet!

Ah, wicked men! I, your curate, willing to help your ungrateful souls, decided to try the so-praised advice of Mr. Frosty on myself and proceeded to accomplish it yesterday. I did everything he said to the very last phrase and - I swear by the Holy Grail - it didn't work! Biopic bakpak2hvy is a guy who frequently lurks on our IRC without saying anything. The other day he said something.

From The Logs

• 15:59, August 16, 2014 Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) blocked Chaoarren (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ([22:58] <Chaoarren> Can I get joke banned? :D)

• 15:00, August 15, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked DungeonSiegeAddict510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (As you aided my quest to take over Uncyclopedia, have a block. I was meant to give this to you earlier but you were already banned for 40 minutes. Have a 1 second extension!)

• 05:57, August 15, 2014 Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) blocked Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 seconds (Fuck Finland)

Top VFH Competitors

• Humans (12/1)

• UnDebate:What does the fox say? (13/2)

• Jared Leto (11/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week F4 (13/0)

From The Forums

• Olipro is a dick-tator.

• Vote for rainbow names?!

• Vote on RAHB's sexuality.

• View this if you're feeling hot.

UnSignpost News

Chat Quote
[17:16] <Banzaikitten> so I wrote the USP kind of
[17:16] <Banzaikitten> its entirely about RAHB
[17:16] <RAHB> Awesome

~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate)

~ Fri, Aug 22 '14 2:11 (UTC)

OMG! A WILD USP IS ON THE LOOSE![edit | edit source]

The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11

7 September 2014 • Issue #207 • Archives • Press Room

Returning MASTERMINDS

By Sir Peasewhizz
Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop throwing tomatoes you assholes! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.

Okay, so what is really going on, you may say? 'I'm about to fucking tell you. Enjoy.

The legendary Xamralco, who pwns.

Did you know that every ten seconds: another ten seconds kicks in? Yeah, mind equals blown right now, eh? Did you know that the return of one legendary user triggers other legendary users to return as well? When Argylesocks returned from his previous state (not Blue Mountain), it only was a matter of time until the legend named MadMax returned from his couple-of-months-long sojourn in the wild country known as Ethiopia. MadMax does not steal the few supplies of food Ethiopia has, you sick fuck! HE HAS A SOUL.

For those who have heard of the legendary Xamralco, he has returned to. He is an admin and a fantastic writer. We love him. You love. YOU LOVE HIM.

Okay? Okay.

Now if anyone sees Dawg, slap him and tell him to come back. And for Olipro... gosh. I can't even.

Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins.

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Biopic For this edition of your favorite paper, the USP, we had the chance to get the Biopic for one of the biggest badasses to ever live. That person/thingy/chatter was auror, whom we found frolicking in our IRC channel one evening.

When we asked auror if she would like to be Biopic'ed (did I spell that right? SPELL CHECK PLS) she gave a powerful speech.

“

no

”

Thank you! Give it up for auror!

From The Logs

• 00:54, September 1, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked IlanaZkhfzm (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (user did not suck Leverage's cock as promised)

• 16:02, August 31, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked AleidaJbjo (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (sister did not suck my cock as promised)

• 12:24, August 29, 2014 Kip the Dip (talk | contribs) blocked Electric Pope (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 centuries, 4 decades, 8 years, 364 days, 14 hours, 38 minutes and 24 seconds (Annoying douchebag.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Shirley Phelps-Roper (8/0)

• Rape (12/6)

• UnNews:Everyone who hates ice bucket challenge donating money to charity (7/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week Psychedelic Rosie and Her Coat of Many Colors (9/0)

From The Forums

• Sir Peasewhizz came up with a great idea apparently, but nobody has replied. So screw his idea.

• Leverage wants people to update/add/fladangle with the DYK shit. Shall we? We should. Maybe. Idk. DO IT.

• Inspiring parody

• UnMedicine project page? Is anyone here a doctor? WELL THEN YOU'RE A NERD!

UnSignpost News The USP will be delivered on Sundays now. (or around then)

Chat Quote
[17:42] <ColinAYB> Kippy is forever topical

[17:42] <ColinAYB> Just like the lotion he uses when he takes it to the hub.

[17:46] <Kippy> You don't even need to see all the nudity to take it to the hub.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 03:09, 7 September 2014 (UTC)

Unsignpost delivery attempt numbr hideous implosion[edit | edit source]

Now with 20% more ninjas!

14 September 2014 • Issue #208 • Archives • Press Room

Pee Review pls

By Sir Peasewhizz
Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop hurling babies at me! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.

It is days like these when I realize what a cruel world we live in. It seems that Pee Review has bitten the dust. For just a few minutes of your day ~~and some cash~~ you can help solve this crisis. Seriously, you hoes.

Piss on my review quests.

Olipro is gay.

Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins.

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Yes, I copied this from the last issue of the USP, you boner goblins. That picture of gold? That was also from the last issue, as well.

Uncyclopedia App

By Anton199

There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.

The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).

The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it). Biopic Alas, an actual Biopic for SEPTEMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Today, the Biopic will be on a man who carries the identity, MrC. He was doing some hardcore crunches while he was surfing the IRC and thus we gained a little more info this is a run on sentence fuk yea murica.

His origin: "Some Uncyclopedians messed around in another channel recently. After hearing all the stories and rumors, I figured I'd like to see for myself."

So when we asked MrC if he could tell us how to get, how to get to Sesame Street, he said "I don't know... bribe Cookie Monster with a cookie?"

There you have it, words of wisdom BOOI!

From The Logs

• 22:20, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked LorrineLundy (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Orange is the new black. Welcome to Internet Jail, Lorrine.)

• 22:14, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked CharissSparrow (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Dude, your gay porn name is lame)

• 22:12, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked VictorForest (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Eat my crotch-forest, Victor.)

Top VFH Competitors

• UnNews:Everyone who hates ice bucket challenge donating money to charity (8/1)

• My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection (6/0)

• A letter about Megan Fox (6/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week Shirley Phelps-Roper (9/0)

From The Forums

• Piss on these

• Proposal of Changes

• Drugs?

• Allahland...

UnSignpost News Hi. This is a lazy edition of the UnSignpost.

Chat Quote
[21:46] Star651 has quit (Quit: Page closed)

[21:46] SirPeasewhizz: NOOOOO

[21:46] SirPeasewhziz: BAE

Brace Yourselves, The UnSignpost is Coming![edit | edit source]

Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while

21 September 2014 • Issue #209 • Archives • Press Room

IMPERIAL COLONIZATION OR NAH? By Sir Peasewhizz

SUCK MY ASSSS!

Previously, in the past, Uncyclopedia has done a project called Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization, which ~~mimics~~ is a battle against crap-quality articles. We recently have finished the colonization of Albert Einstein, because fuck we didn't need a good article on him before amiright?

Anyways I'm telling you this because it would be soooo sweet if we could get this running again... and I kinda need Xamralco or any other admin to combine histories again because I just found out I shouldn't have moved the project myself...

Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins. (third issue in a row)

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Wow a third week of using the same entry in a row? GEEZ.

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!

From The Logs

• 13:13, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked WolfganKix (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wolfgan's arse is going to get Kix if he doesn't stop making accounts here.)

• 13:12, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked JanetteMelton (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (You brought your girlfriend with you? How sweet. She can fuck off too once she's tossed me off.)

• 13:11, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked AndreBecker (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (OMG A SPAMBOT! I've missed seeing you around man. Where you been these past few days? It's been so emotional. Okay, emotional reunion is over. Now fuck off.)

Top VFH Competitors

• Antibiotics (9/0)

• My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection (9/0)

• Firesheep (8/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week Ludwig Wittgenstein (9/0)

From The Forums

• Enter On This day submissions, plz.

• Mobile issues

• Sorry, I don't speak Cuntenese. (Bot rights or something)

• Mass ~~massaging~~ messaging can now be used by the admins!!

UnSignpost News Please VFH, Colonize, etc.

Chat Quote
[15:07] bakpak2hvy is edible.

[15:07] TheFakeazneD525 chews on bakpak2hvy

The USP is coming for you! (and your little dog too)[edit | edit source]

May contain traces of humor!

28 September 2014 • Issue #210 • Archives • Press Room

Incoming October bullshit

By Sir Peasewhizz
So apparently, October follows September. As we all know, Halloween follows September. This means that I get to make a suggestion, amirite?

So I was thinking long and hard one day (which was literally five minutes not twenty-four hours) about something cool we could do for Halloween this year. No, I don't mean egg your neighbor's house... I was thinking maybe we could feature something on Halloween?

Okay yes, I know this is something we basically do every year, and I know you are reading this preparing to accuse me of filling space... and you'd be right.

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!

From The Logs

• 12:34, September 25, 2014 Colin "All your base" Heaney (talk | contribs) blocked Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour and 9 minutes (You're like the Grinch, except it's your cock that's three sizes too small.)

• 14:35, September 24, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 173.213.80.213 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Your free trial of Uncyclopedia has expired.)

• 07:05, September 24, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked JessieTedesco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (fuck Jessie Tedesco, he gets his clothes from Tecso)

Top VFH Competitors

• Nouvelle cuisine (10/0)

• HowTo:Fry an egg (9/0)

• Firesheep (9/1)

VFH Highlight Of The Week UnNews:Obama to outline IS strategy after consulting Stonehenge gods (10/0)

From The Forums

• Which one of you heathens killed Pee Review?

• Here is where you tell about your new articles.

• Vote on this, it's not getting attention.

• Don't smoke the dope, kids.

UnSignpost News Please VFH, Colonize, etc.

Chat Quote
<ColinAYB> Actually his lips did sink ships

<ColinAYB> In the sense that he sucked e

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, the USP?[edit | edit source]

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

5 October • Issue #211 • Archives • Press Room

Uncyclopedia's preparations for Ebola By Sir Peasewhizz

Gross.

As we all know, a Texan man has brought the Ebola virus to the United States of America. And as country, we are all freaking out. Even Obama, who never freaks out, has freaked out. He now refuses to kiss Michelle because he has become a germophobe.

Anywho, we here at Uncyclopedia have determined that Ebola can be avoided by simple measures. We encourage everyone to wash their hands, especially after ferocious masturbation. Remember kids, diseases come for hookers. So stay away from hookers as well.

Biopic Nahhh. I don't really feel like it again!

From The Logs

• 12:34, September 25, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked 178.137.80.72 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (dickery)

• 15:07, September 28, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 23.231.7.217 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (The Maitri Inthusut has ordered us to block editing permanently for all residents of the Phuket Province.)

• 13:39, September 28, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked Leanna Hollway (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (she wouldn't go the "holl way" with me)

Top VFH Competitors

• White-haired Asian Scientist (8/0)

• Bluestocking (8/1)

• Aries (6/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week Firesheep (10/1)

From The Forums

• Which one of you heathens killed Pee Review?

• Here is where you tell about your new articles.

• Vote on this, it's not getting attention.

• No more silly rules

UnSignpost News Shabidoo's competition has begun.

Chat Quote
<Denza252> ephemey: am i trololololololing?

[1] This is a lie.

[2] As it turns out, the source happened to be a small wall clock that inexplicably follows him around, hovering in the air, everywhere he goes. Scientists are debating what this means to the future of space travel.

[3] Wow, self-reference much?

[1]

[1]

[1]

User:Mattsnow/Talk page archive 10

Hey Matt![edit | edit source]

Collab on Labyrinth[edit | edit source]

I cried laughing[edit | edit source]

Ice fishing[edit | edit source]

Unsignpost - 20130207013217 gibberish asdf[edit | edit source]

It is the day of USP love, Valentine’s Day[edit | edit source]

Crikey! It’s a rare, wild UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

Hey Matt[edit | edit source]

Surprise, Motherfucker, USP[edit | edit source]

I thought I heard the Imperial March. USP time, everybody![edit | edit source]

Can I have some salad with my UnSignpost?[edit | edit source]

People like the UnSignpost because it’s hot! It has the best graphics and everything. Marcus, USP! Step yo’ game up![edit | edit source]

UnSignpost’s BONER TIME![edit | edit source]

This isn’t an April Fool’s Day Prank! This is the UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

UnSignpost Time, Folks! I repeat, UnSignpost Time![edit | edit source]

UnSignpost, late and lazy![edit | edit source]

The 2 Days Tardy USP![edit | edit source]

Crypt on![edit | edit source]

Hello[edit | edit source]

Week-old news two weeks late: The UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

UnSignpost is back[edit | edit source]

The UnSignpost: a brilliant new format but less news[edit | edit source]

U-um h--h-hi[edit | edit source]

Hi![edit | edit source]

Krypton[edit | edit source]

Thanks for the recent noms![edit | edit source]

Forest fire[edit | edit source]

That IP edit on Metal Gear[edit | edit source]

Days of the week friendly competition that shabidoo will win and everyone else will fail[edit | edit source]

Mattsnow[edit | edit source]

Hey-o, Matty![edit | edit source]

thanks for the vlote[edit | edit source]

UnSignpost: yet another new format but still less news[edit | edit source]

HEYYYYYYYYYYY!!![edit | edit source]

Canadian Baseball[edit | edit source]

It's been a really, really, really, really long time[edit | edit source]

Have you...[edit | edit source]

It's back! - The UnSignpost[edit | edit source]

Two weeks in a row? A new record! It's the UnSignpost[edit | edit source]

Does this look infected to you? It's the UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

More {{Boner}}s than a ragged Playgirl: It's the UnSignpost![edit | edit source]

We gave The UnSignpost an enema, so now it's regular![edit | edit source]

OMG! A WILD USP IS ON THE LOOSE![edit | edit source]

Unsignpost delivery attempt numbr hideous implosion[edit | edit source]

Brace Yourselves, The UnSignpost is Coming![edit | edit source]

The USP is coming for you! (and your little dog too)[edit | edit source]

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, the USP?[edit | edit source]

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