Portal:Religion
Religion generally involves the following or worship of a creed or deity in which one has optimistically attributed supernatural powers. "True Believers" are often labeled as schizophrenics or having some other neurological disorders in certain scientific-minded and rational circles, although the loudest among them tend to be derided for their poor fashion sense and general smelliness. According to a secular understanding of history, religion was invented by tribal chieftans at least two million years ago in order to control and exploit their fellow tribal members, and it was going strong in the Western World until that separation of Church and State nonsense. In the third world, it's business as usual. God is often portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, although some religions would prefer you not portray him at all.
Come here little grandson, and pull up a chair, ol' grandpa has to say something to you. What story am I going to be telling this time? Hah ha, no story tonight, Jimmy, I'm going to lecture you on something very important. It's time to learn about a little subject called "filial piety". Don't start fussing now, it's a very important subject to learn about when squirts like you start to grow up.
What is filial piety, Grandpa?
I was just about to get into that, Jimmy. Filial piety is a simple enough concept, often embraced by popular religions such as Confucianism and Christianity. Now, you're Christian but you don't know what filial piety is, right? That's because the heads of your religion decided to muck up the phrase and replace it with a simplistic platitude such as "love your mom and pop". But I digress, I'll talk to you about religion some other day.
The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent is a Christian church based mainly in North America and Western Europe. Adherents believe God is omnipotent but generally unqualified for His role as deity, citing the Great Flood, the Roman Empire and their own personal failings as proof. Worldwide membership was 30.5 million in 2006.
The sect has been controversial since its foundation, and faced persecution in several countries for its allegedly heterodox views. The church (whose followers are known as "compies") believes in a "fractured Trinity", holding that Jesus is the Son of God but "got in over his head" when he let himself die on the cross.
EARTH, Sol System – The Rapture, long awaited by people who don't want to hang around to see how it all turns out, finally occurred this morning, catching even the most militant biblical literalists by surprise. At approximately two o'clock (GMT), various body parts of pious citizens across the globe simply disappeared.
"Yeah, my bad." apologized the archangel Michael at the post-Rapture press conference. "It's a numbers thing, you see. We'd initially planned for 144,000 male Jewish virgins 'plus guest', making for a maximum total of less than 300,000 people, body and soul." Industry, transportation and communications worldwide were interrupted after bits of people were raised bodily up to Heaven to be with our LORD. Period keys on keyboards, for example, remained unpushed for the better share of a day after the third fingers of typists departed the right hands to which they had previously been permanently attached, leading to many run-on sentences with no end in sight...
- A slice of toast seen on the face of Jesus (Pictured)
- Devoutly gay man feels conflicted after admitting attraction to Christianity
- Pope John Paul II posthumously wins Monsignor Universe beauty contest
- Global faith crisis after miraculous resurrection of Madalyn Murray O'Hair, America's "most hated woman"
- Outrage over practice of throwing virgins into volcanos in India
- Meditated Buddhist monks accused of sleeping on the job
- The Heavens rejoice as Dow Jones market index surpasses 14,000
- Shock as God admits: "I experimented with evolution"
“ | If you don't agree with absolutely everything I say that means God hates you and you are going to Hell. | ” |
— Fred Phelps on everyone
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- ... that Guru Maharaj Ji claimed to be a glorious combined incarnation of Mahatma Gandhi and Humphrey Bogart?
- ... that the Heaven's Gate cult was actually a covert group of Star Wars superfans who wanted to make Star Trek look bad?
- ... that God's answering service is experiencing high-volume, please call again later?
- ... that the Bhagavad Gita is the inspirational tale of a man embracing wanton acts of violence towards his loved ones?
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