Portal:Religion

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Financial)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The Religion Portal
He knows what you did last thursday

Religion generally involves the following or worship of a creed or deity in which one has optimistically attributed supernatural powers. "True Believers" are often labeled as schizophrenics or having some other neurological disorders in certain scientific-minded and rational circles, although the loudest among them tend to be derided for their poor fashion sense and general smelliness. According to a secular understanding of history, religion was invented by tribal chieftans at least two million years ago in order to control and exploit their fellow tribal members, and it was going strong in the Western World until that separation of Church and State nonsense. In the third world, it's business as usual. God is often portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, although some religions would prefer you not portray him at all.

Featured Article
Yah-weh-oh.jpg

In the beginning, God, who is sometimes called Yah-Weh-Oh, or just Yahweh, made everything! Pretty cool, huh? Even more amazing he created everything in six days and a long long long long long long long long long long time ago. That means what they tell you at school is a hoax! Have you guys ever made anything cool, like a cool model airplane? Imagine making a whole model world! Pretty sweet huh? God just turned on his super-powerful computer and designed the entire world in six days! And you know what he did on the seventh day? He just chilled. That's pretty cool! He made Adam and Eve, too, and put them in Paradise. But there was trouble brewing. You see, when Adam was made, Satan-os, a very evil sorcerer, tried to kill him. Ever since, he's been seeking his revenge on Adam.

Featured Entity
Billy-graham.jpg

Q: What did Jesus mean when He said the meek will "inherit the earth"? Am I supposed to be doing something to prepare? If so, what? — T. L.

A: First of all it's important to realize you are not alone in your worry. As you probably well know, it was during His Sermon on the Mount that Jesus said: "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth" (Matthew 5:5). This has caused no shortage of anxiety on the part of the meek, who are given to being rather squeamish in the first place.

Featured Image
Jeezspliff.gif
"Non presti attenzione a questa cosa", or "Pay no attention to this trinket."
Religion in the News
Visibleman.jpg

EARTH, Sol System – The Rapture, long awaited by people who don't want to hang around to see how it all turns out, finally occurred this morning, catching even the most militant biblical literalists by surprise. At approximately two o'clock (GMT), various body parts of pious citizens across the globe simply disappeared.

"Yeah, my bad." apologized the archangel Michael at the post-Rapture press conference. "It's a numbers thing, you see. We'd initially planned for 144,000 male Jewish virgins 'plus guest', making for a maximum total of less than 300,000 people, body and soul." Industry, transportation and communications worldwide were interrupted after bits of people were raised bodily up to Heaven to be with our LORD. Period keys on keyboards, for example, remained unpushed for the better share of a day after the third fingers of typists departed the right hands to which they had previously been permanently attached, leading to many run-on sentences with no end in sight...

More Religion News
It's a miracle
Quote of the Day
Did You Know?
  • ... that the Bhagavad Gita is the inspirational tale of a man embracing wanton acts of violence towards his loved ones?
  • ... that the Heaven's Gate cult was actually a covert group of Star Wars superfans who wanted to make Star Trek look bad?
  • ... that ancient Shinto temples aren't portals to anime world, please don't kill yourself there?
Further Reading
More Portals
Portals complement topics that nobody cares about and expand upon topics that everybody cares even less about.