Portal:Religion
Religion generally involves the following or worship of a creed or deity in which one has optimistically attributed supernatural powers. "True Believers" are often labeled as schizophrenics or having some other neurological disorders in certain scientific-minded and rational circles, although the loudest among them tend to be derided for their poor fashion sense and general smelliness. According to a secular understanding of history, religion was invented by tribal chieftans at least two million years ago in order to control and exploit their fellow tribal members, and it was going strong in the Western World until that separation of Church and State nonsense. In the third world, it's business as usual. God is often portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, although some religions would prefer you not portray him at all.
God (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah, Jah, Adonai, and Elohim to evade debt collectors) is the Supreme Being of three major faiths, and a few dozen sex cults. His preferred pronoun is THE LORD, but He will also settle for He. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence—with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, the Inca Empire, Bigfoot, and devil's food cake. God is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, committing genocide, committing mass infanticide, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God Himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.
American Fundie Magazine (often written in all-caps as AFM), the magazine for "True Christians™", was formed to cater to the needs of the modern biblical fundamentalist. By "modern" they mean "well before the Enlightenment", or as it says at the top of the Editor's page, "Because God Loved the Dark Ages". The publishers of AFM felt that the views of America's oppressed Christian majority weren't getting out, so the magazine was started just for them. By "just for them" they mean the extreme right edge of American Christian society, the edge that knows an appropriate Scriptural quote for any occasion but chooses to ignore the useless and foolish good bits like forgiveness and humility and instead focus on the "I'm chosen, so "F" y'all" nature of the Old Testament.
BNEI BRAK, Israel – Local conservative rabbis are sick with worry, anxiety and unease at the increasing popularity of practical, comfortable fashions; more so even than the worry, anxiety and unease that causes their usual kvetching. After much bickering they have responded with the tact, sensitivity and delicate touch for which fundamentalists of all stripes are known; by burning down stores that sell offensive clothing and spraying bleach on women that Rabbi Yosef Elyashiv refers to as "...those nasty whores with their whore legs, whore skin and whore bulges. Whores!".
Throughout this tight knit Israeli city, recently hung posters urge women to buy only appropriate Tanakh-approved clothing. The notices, approved by local ultra-Orthodox rabbis, forbid women from wearing anything that could possibly be considered sexy, including skirts cut above the ankle, open-toed shoes, toed shoes, and shirts that reveal all, part, or none of a woman's cleavage. Red colored clothing of any kind is also forbidden, as a girl in a red dress is <expletive> hot.
- A slice of toast seen on the face of Jesus (Pictured)
- Devoutly gay man feels conflicted after admitting attraction to Christianity
- Pope John Paul II posthumously wins Monsignor Universe beauty contest
- Global faith crisis after miraculous resurrection of Madalyn Murray O'Hair, America's "most hated woman"
- Outrage over practice of throwing virgins into volcanos in India
- Meditated Buddhist monks accused of sleeping on the job
- The Heavens rejoice as Dow Jones market index surpasses 14,000
- Shock as God admits: "I experimented with evolution"
| “ | To think I kissed her (or him) there—and there—and there! | ” |
— Sarah Michelle Gellar on Baphomet
| ||
- ... that Walpurgis Night (or Walpurgisnacht) celebrates St. Walpurga, patron saint of stinky women?
- ... that the Heaven's Gate cult was actually a covert group of Star Wars superfans who wanted to make Star Trek look bad?
- ... that Walpurgis Night (or Walpurgisnacht) celebrates St. Walpurga, patron saint of stinky women?
- ... that getting into Heaven is so easy, it would be presumptuous of me to even tell you?
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