User talk:Hindleyite/8
Query[edit source]
in my n00bish quest to get an article featured before the end of my first month, i've decided to give it one last shot. i consider my latest article to have a decent chance; unfortunately, it got a glowing Pee Review from someone that's been a registered member for about 19 hours, and also he's giving away positive reviews like it's his job. so i was wondering if you could take a look at it if you get a chance, and let me know if i'm justified in throwing it to the jackals. thanks. -- 14:44, 22 August 2007 (UTC)
- That's very good, I was jsut thniking aoubt taht cnocnept the ohter day. I seem to recall somebody has perhaps already written a similar article a while back, which maaaay hold it back on VFH. I may be wrong though, it could have been a passing note by Tmopkisn. That Illogicopedia is messing with my memory. Anyway, it would have my vote. I like how none of it is in English yet you can understand it, well most of it anyway. I think it could do well on VFH, though these days you need to really whore articles out to get 'em featured. That's partly why I don't bother with it any more, too much hassle :D
Dno't let taht put you fof thuogh... -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 13:27, 23 August 2007 (UTC)
Whoring[edit source]
Gosh.....Hindleyite cutting down on whoring? Whatever next? -- Sir Mhaille 
(talk to me)
- Once an article whore, always an article whore. It'll begin again, one day. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 13:43, 31 August 2007 (UTC)
awesome![edit source]
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Your vote for NotM is much appreciated. As a token |
thanks again for your support. i hope to continue to earn your respect, approval, and spare change. -- 03:51, 4 September 2007 (UTC)
ecxllenet![edit source]
| Pelsae aeccpt tihs etxrmely ltae tnkah you tmepltae for yuor vtoe for taht wierd atrcile taht porblaby hrut yuor eeys. Yuor wsiodm and gnersotiy are ellquad olny by yuor bearth, wihch is as fersh as a smmuer ham. |
thanks again! -- 03:40, 14 September 2007 (UTC)
- Wwo ddue. Tkans a lto! Summer ham? Heh. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 12:48, 14 September 2007 (UTC)
O HAY THAR[edit source]
Hey there Mister Hindley =}
It's come to my attention that there are actually quite a few ?pedians on this here ol' site.
I reckon we should all come together and contribute to Uncyc as a community of sorts. We need to show our presence as a wiki.
Perhaps a start would be an Illogicopedia article on here? O'course, we'll have to take note that it must be suitable for Uncyc and not for ?pedia.
--MrMetalFLower 13:48, 18 September 2007 (UTC)
- You are indeed correct. A quick check of category:Illogicopedians proves, well, not much... but still there are quite a few crossoverpedians. I've been considering the idea of creating the Illogicopedia article for a while but it always got put off. So, now is as good a time as any to do it - with the help of SP, you, Fluffalizer and co. we shall build a monster! But for the next few days, I am quite busy - I shall be here at the weekend but obviously feel free to start the article without me before then. Aid epoc igolli! -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 19:56, 19 September 2007 (UTC)
Gregg Toland[edit source]
Hello.
I was enquired as to why you deleted my article on famed cinematographer Gregg Toland.
Here is this IMDb profile:
Media:http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005904/
Wikipedia profile:
Media:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregg_Toland
Good day.
- Hi there. The reason for deletion was not notability but length. The article only contained two sentences and Uncyclopedia no longer accepts stubs, unfortunately. I could restore the article to your userspace but it may not be worth it - instead here's the article in case you need it:
- Gregg Toland, famed the world over for his OSCAR winning cinematography on Orson Welles' Citizen Kong, was born to Mary and Roland Toland on the 14th June 1899.
- -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 14:00, 22 September 2007 (UTC)
RED light[edit source]
Go Hindleyism! -- • <-> 03:25, 20 October 2007 (UTC)
You made the right choice...[edit source]
You know, we're all winners here at the NotM nominations, but I feel so especially honored that you chose me. I will donate the award money to charity, doing my part to stop world hunger by giving an African child one quarter of a full course meal. Thank you, thank you. You know...
Thanks for voting for me! Sir Groovester | Contributions | Talk Page 21:11, 1 November 2007 (UTC)
Permission to use an image[edit source]
You made the UnBooks logo, right? I need permission from you to put it on Wikipedia's page on Uncyclopedia. See Forum:Wikipedia's article on us for more info. --Sir OCdt Jedravent CUN UmP VFH PLS ACS WH 01:25, 9 November 2007 (UTC)
- Sure, considering it was mainly sourced in the first place. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 13:08, 10 November 2007 (UTC)
bus surfing[edit source]
thanks for helping me with the bus surfing article. you think its got potential?
- Yeah. Think I might actually try it myself. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 19:17, 22 November 2007 (UTC)
PussyPopper21[edit source]
Why you de;ete my article Evan Sackett. I came here so I wouldn't be deleted. Please restore it. It is not an attack article. Read Sackett's biography yourself. Type in Evan Sackett under google search and you'll find it on the Visual Circle we-site. Please, restore it!
- Hmmm, 70 Google hits suggests this person is not really that notable. Hold on a minute, this isn't an article about you, is it? If so, you could simply put it on your userpage. Anyhow, if you reeeeally want it, I've restored it to your userspace for you. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 20:43, 23 November 2007 (UTC)
Talk:Red light[edit source]
:-D Karma to the writer. Actually one of the best articles
I've come across in a while. Better than Why is a raven
like a writing desk? even.
What's this all about then? I'm not sure if you were being positive or sarcastic... :P
<talk.work.?pedia.
- I was being positive, I liked the Raven writing desk article. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 20:06, 29 November 2007 (UTC)
Thanks[edit source]
Thank you for you kind words left on the talk page of The Color Problem. It's nice to see that people like it. It's also great that an article about racism has been on the front page of Uncyc for a whole day without being vandalised once. I guess that your average racist missed the whole point. That makes me smile. Have fun. MrN 
19:00, Dec 7
3 second rule[edit source]
Hey Hindley, glad you liked it! You know, we never talk. We never just sit and talk anymore. What happened, Hindley? Oh wait... I don't think I've ever talked to you before... Uh, anyways, thank you for "liking" 3 second rule. Any suggestions? I know it's really messy and stupid... • <-> (Dec 8 / 16:09)
- Well, whenever I drop food on the floor in my house the dog eats it within 3 seconds. Also, for some strange reason, if you pick up food you dropped on the carpet within 3secs it is somehow still safe to eat. With a rinse under the tap/rub on your shirt. I know, I'm poor. Do not pity me, however. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 16:32, 8 December 2007 (UTC)
Bloody Pagans[edit source]
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Premier Tom Mayfair has been a naughty boy this year, but he still deserves a kiss from under the mistletoe. His external organ is fair game. |
Have a not-shitty Christmas![edit source]
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Heya, The Led Balloon here, wishing you merry Christmas, or any other holiday you feel like celebrating. Just remember what it's all really about: NO WORK, NO SCHOOL, FREE STUFF!!! |
| Here's to hoping your school(or work) calendar for December doesn't look too much like this... |
Merry Christmas, - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon 
(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 01:00, Dec 17
Despite being required by British law to carry an umbrella throughout December, and to respond to all festive cheer with "Bah Humbug", nonetheless I wish you a very Merry Christmas. Or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever other gnostic mystical mumbo-jumbo you colonials practice these days. Just don't tell the Queen. |
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-- Sir Codeine K·H·P·B·M·N·C·U·Bu. · (Harangue) 12:54, 17 December 2007 (UTC)
I mean... merry. Have a great ?mas! Honest, I meant merry! |
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Wow, Cheers[edit source]
...to all of you! Wow, I really need to do something for you kind Christmas carders.... expect some 'nice favours' in return soon. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 19:15, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
HI GUESS WHO![edit source]
Its me. I am back here! will you protect me from famine?--
|Fonchezzz| Quacking|
20:59, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
- Unfortunately no, because alas the monster that lives under the stairs has eaten all my food. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 11:23, 22 December 2007 (UTC)
Merry Christmas[edit source]
| Merry Christmas. ~ Mitch |
-- Mitch 
13:03, 24 December 2007 (UTC)
- This is my favourite card. I like the minimalism. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 11:28, 31 December 2007 (UTC)
Thank you and Merry Christmas[edit source]
Unknown_user would like to thank you for voting for his article, Why?:Stick Things in the Electrical Outlet.
To thank you, he has left a "golden surprise" in your electrical outlet. Use a screwdriver to get it out.
Thank you for your decisive vote in this incredibly close run for VFH.
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MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU BETTER WATCH OUT SATAN CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN -- This preceding message of dire warning was brought to you by Unknown_user |
--
Sir Unknown U (Talk : Cont : VFH : PEE : CUN) 21:33, 24 December 2007 (UTC)
- You are all so very kind! I feel awful now for not giving out cards this year. Still, I offer you all a sausage roll from the New Year's buffet at the Hindley Arms! -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 11:28, 31 December 2007 (UTC)
Merry Xmas![edit source]
| ~ Merry Xmas Hindleyite/8! ~ |
--YeOldeLuke 08:00, 26 December 2007 (UTC)
I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT TO SAY[edit source]
- Hello there. My oven chips are ready. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 11:26, 31 December 2007 (UTC)
Bullaah![edit source]
Now with the obligatory, vaguely cool mouth noise out of the way, what say yew and me do a collaboration? I'm always looking to collaborate, and I have a feeling we could make magic *cough* magic. :P --~Fag x FS 21:10, 23 January 2008 (UTC)
- Maybe, though I haven't written anything here in ages, not since Tesco Value. Got any ideas? -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 21:14, 23 January 2008 (UTC)
- How's about: Why?:Disprove Your Own Existence :P --~Fag x FS 14:40, 28 January 2008 (UTC)
Yay. A vote! *hugtackles*[edit source]
*Bonus awarded for being good to the n00b.
(Added bonus of +2 available in exchange for cookies).
/me tacklehugs the voter. I like you already. Now, where are the cookies?! -- DameViktoria 
- (Contribs) - (Talk) - (Block log) 23:20, 28 Feb
Thankies[edit source]
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Cheers! Under User thanks you gingerly for your vote at VFH. He celebrated with a small but competitive Hyperdrinking tournament, but by virtue of waking up in his own bed, narrowly failed to set a personal best score at the event. His head still feels bloody sore though! Thanks again! |
--SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 15:47, Mar 21
Hey hey hey hey, I'm rhyming on your talkpage today![edit source]
If ICU usage is what you seek, look here or you'll get huffed in a week! Cheers, - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 19:30, Apr 28
Image:Handgundiagram.jpg[edit source]
Hey there, I uploaded Image:Handgundiagram.jpg to the Wikimedia Commons here. 78.34.151.227 20:28, 9 May 2008 (UTC)
- That's fine by me. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 11:04, 10 May 2008 (UTC)
editing of the 'common tim' page[edit source]
hi, made some changes to your 'common tim page' with a new heading 'project x' (ive always thought that Novak Djorkovic resembles a genetically enhanced Tim Henman)just read it cos i would like to know what u think, hope i havnt ruined ur ideas
- No, not at all: in fact it adds to the article... good work! Feel free to make more additions if you like. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 10:52, 25 May 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: June 12th, 2008[edit source]
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
June 12th, 2008 • Issue 7
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Cajek banned - New, shittier writer assigned to this stupid job
 Recently Cajek, an Uncyclopedia user who has been labelled as a mystical creature, was been given a one month ban by the council of Wikia. Users who feared that UnSignpost would not be written or delivered. But Qua, who is currently in a state of shock, said that "Cajek was a good guy, I didn't expect him to get banned for a month. He was about to help me, I don't know what he was going to help me with but he was going to help me with something.". Many Uncyclopedians that are known have a hold a grudge against Cajek celebrated his recent ban saying "While he might be back in only a month, we should take the time to celebrate and rejoice a Cajek-free environment."
 It has been reported that Flumpa, Uncyclopedia's very own pimply faced ginger-nut has left Uncyclopedia forever, due to irreconcilable differences. He cites the banning of users, fights between the two, the treatment of IP's as "real people" and the lack of cookies in mommas cookie jar. One of our reporters spoke to Flumpa as he was packing his wagon to leave Uncyclopedia "I like the holding hands and the fairy floss but Sophia has icky wiki germs and I just couldn't get past that. However I hear this new EDwina down the street is available, she may play in mud but I hear she has yummy yummy cookies." 127.0.0.1, leader of the "IPs are Real People, Too" Foundation had said that "Flumpa makes some great points on IP treatment, such as telling them that behind that string of random numbers lies an actual person; A person with heart. A person with brain. A person with spleen." When asked whether he would share his hard earned money on a badge from the Keep-the-IP's-out-of-Bannation-Foundation, this reporter simply told them to bugger off and get their own alcohol addiction gawdammit! We do, however, wish Flumpa the best of luck as he travels across the wiki-street with his trademarked brand of Off-topic forums to meet this EDwina fellow.
We at the UnSignpost would like to remind all Uncyclopedian editors that June is Internet safety month. Through the efforts of Uncyclopedia and other sites across the Internet, we can help protect innocent children and frail grandmothers from seeing offensive content RICK MORANIS Uhm, we're sorry about that. The editor that wrote that previous sentence has been fired, in accordance with the rules of Internet safety month. UnSignpost would like to remind all editors to use extra padding in tables, because we don't want the little kiddies touching the sharp edges and getting hurt. As per Internet safety month, all uploaded porn will be closely monitored to see if the models are engaging in safe fucking. I mean sex. SEX! I meant SEX! We apologize for the previous two editors. They have been shot, out in the hallway, in the most safe method possible, we assure you. We even laid out cushions for them to fall on. Anyway, Websense and other Internet blocking sites will up its sensors to block over 99.99% of the Internet. What will remain is available is the Wikipedia article "Frog", weather.com, and anything unblocked in China. We at UnSignpost wish you a happy Internet safety month, and hope that you stay safe. Remember to always use a firewall. Websense has blocked this column for the following reason: This column contains "humor".
Difficult times lie ahead for schoolbound Uncyclopedians. A series of semi-challenging tests lie in the near future for many, and everyone's workload seems to be growing. Unfortunately for Uncyclopedians, finals are nearly here. However, luckily for Uncyclopedia, finals are almost here! This means that, as procrastination rates skyrocket, Uncyclopedia activity grows proportionally. Haven't been studying for your math final? Those fancy words mean that Uncyclopedia usage is going up, just as teachers pull out their hair worrying about keeping their kids' averages above the department bottom line so they can keep their jobs. However, here at UnSignpost and Uncyclopedia, we pride ourselves on allowing for multi-tasking. So, here is a series of brief study guides that are pretty much all you need: Science: For this final, you will be asked questions about science. However, simply remember a few facts, and your science final will be a breeze. These include remembering that ontogeny does not recapitulate phylogeny, pyruvate and phosphofruktokinase function as glycolytic enzymes, and the kidneys are located three ribs up from the malnuric sphincter. Math: Just prove to your teacher that 1=2, and any answer you give is automatically right. English: ENGLISH, MOFO, DO YOU SPEAK IT? History: To pass this, just try to remember a few important dates: 622BC, 394BC, 211BC, 5BC, 11AD, 24AD, 300AD, 906AD, 1102AD, 1619AD, 1791AD, 1963AD, and 2012AD. Tech. Ed.: Basically, you take a saw and cut shit up. Fucking A. Music class: Try not to fail and blow any notes. You'd sure look like a real tool, then, huh. Art: Just explain to your teacher how deep and misunderstood you are, and paint your feelings. Take a few pictures with a black and white camera setting and write a few "dark" poems, and if your teacher knows how often you cry then you'll have an easy A. Foreign language: THIS IS AMERICA, SPEAK AMERICAN! Gym: If you're really planning on studying for this final, then only God can help you now.
 An article by Zombiebaron has caused a huge feud between the all-powerful admins that could ban me again. Thekillerfroggy has charged that the "Nonsense Watermelon Catastrophe" was not newsworthy enough, while Zombiebaron charges that the article is newsworthy, and therefore should not be deleted. In the fight, many people have cried "drama" and run for their lives. "Oh, this is deliiiicious!" said resident fucktard Drama. We spoke to Drama in his white linoleum mansion. He stopped seductively petting his gay snow leopard long enough to talk to us. "I loooove drama. I want their drama dripping all over my linoleum castle. I want their orgasmic screams of anger to rattle the walls! What do you think, Puffles?" "Oohh, puurrrrr" said Puffles. Some of the more regular users have claimed that the drama will bring unwanted side effects. RAHB has recently said to one of our reporters: "Remember, when there's drama, Ljlego touches himself." [Ed note: he said that on IRC, I swear. to. god. ban: banbanban.] Zombiebaron, an administrator who just happens to be a spectre of the unwept dead, spoke at his crypt this Tuesday dressed in his ceremonial black and red robes: "Hhhgggrrrr, I do not like speaking to the public: They give me a rash. As far as how random uncyclopedia is, we have two admins who are a balloon and a frog, so my article is perfect. The drama will not be settled until I taste the frog's flesh. Suffffeeeerrrrrr..." The Killer Froggy issued a statement soon after, with his frog army in the background: "ribbit? RIBBIT! ribbit. ribbit ribbit ribbit!" Both administrators have promised to ban the poor, misunderstood writer of this article if their statements were printed, but that's the risk we take to bring you the news. That's just how cool we are. Drama is the real winner here. As of this printing, he is planning to buy his gay snow leopard a fluffy red cape with the profits. And remember: every time there's drama, Ljlego touches himself. I'm not fucking kidding. He's all like, "oh yeah, oh, oh yeah I love you drama" and they're both in the love coven, snugglin' n' shit. I have pictures, guys! I swear it's totally ins AS OF THIS PARAGRAPH, CAJEK HAS BEEN BANNED INDEFINITELY. |
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UnSignpost: June 19th, 2008[edit source]
The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11
June 19whenever-th, 2008 • Issue 8
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UnSignpost abandoned by creators!
Uncyclopedia's popular newspaper/tacky tabloid rag (delete according to preference) the UnSignpost - already floundering following the loss of founding editor Dr. Skullthumper - has been dealt another, possibly fatal blow, with the news that popular feature-machine and international diplomat Cajek has not been arsed to edit the latest issue. When thursday June 19th dawned without the by-now-traditional UnSignpost dropping onto their talkpages, Unycylopedians everywhere could be heard bravely dealing with the incident by pretending they hadn't noticed. We asked prominent Uncyc contributors for their reactions to the journalistic crisis facing their favourite wiki-based news delivery system. "SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON.... SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON!" said Don Leddy, obviously coping badly with the news. Sensing a possible catastrophe, DJ Irreverent bravely leaped into the breach and created a forum topic that galvanised the community, while UU declared himself too busy to help, then promptly wrote about half of the paper. While still suffering from writer's block, which explains the total lack of lulz and inspiration thus far. It's probably about time to link to nobody cares and close this story now, isn't it? Industrial mogul joins Uncyclopedia, promises great wealth to all.
Donald Trump, the man, the legend, the Tower, the hairstyle, has taken time out of his busy international schedule to create a forum topic promising affluence beyond the dreams of avarice to all on Uncyclopedia! Despite the impeccable credentials displayed on his userpage, so far only Qua and SysRq managed to take advantage of the popular billionaire's altruism before he was ruthlessly banned by noted anti-capitalist Codeine. UnSignpost was particularly impressed with Codeine's ability to resist the temptation to use "you're fired" as a block reason, as we are sure it would have been all but overwhelming. It is to be hoped that, on his return from bannination, Mr Trump will use his undoubted wealth and business connections to help Uncyc beat the ever-encroaching threat of Wikia's advertising plans. N00b ties knot
Popular recent NotM winner Cheapinitreal has further embarrassed the Uncyclopedia community by becoming all respectable and getting married. Confessing to his transgression, Cheap added "all and all, it was a right fine week". The UnSignpost would like to write something really funny here, then wish Cheap all the best, but this issue is being rushed out as it's, like, way late, so we just don't have time. UnSignpost resorts to blatant filler
In a move heralded as "an exciting development in journalism" by guest editor UU, the UnSignpost today employed blatant flannel to fill an annoying white gap at the bottom of the page. It is believed that this is the first such instance of using blatant rubbish to fill a newspaper page in journalistic history. "I'm proud to be at the vanguard of such a groundbreaking technique" said UU, before going off to scour Cajek's ideas page in a desperate hunt for inspiration. "Is this long enough yet?" he added, before concluding "not quite, another few words or so should do the trick". |
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ZotM[edit source]
Congrats on winning ZotM, Zombie of the Month! :P Hope you liked why i nominated you.
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Zombie of the Month Spring 2008 |
Yay! ~FAG! +chatline "if it ain't broke, break it" (CUN·VFH) 13:20, 24 June 2008 (UTC)
- Wow, dude! I'm honoured... er, I mean... I'm honooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuured. And, despite the fact I've resurrected my Uncyc career more times than Mike Tyson, Noel Edmunds and Cliff Richard put together, I am not dead yet. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 14:57, 24 June 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: June 26nd, 2008[edit source]
The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!
June 26th, 2008 • Issue 9
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Uncyclopedia running out of Interesting Stuff. UnSignpost in Jeopardy!
Recently. Uncyclopedia, in its maternal state. Is running out of interesting stuff as most users keep filling her with the same old stuff day after day. Most if not almost all of the staff at the UnSignpost panicked as this meant that their newspaper, which faced the threat of disabondement yesterday. Could be folded by the Uncyclopedia Penis Man returns!
 At exactly 12:29 AM Monday morning, some local idiot decided that it would be a great day to stir up drama and piss people off with some long forgotten shit. And with that, Penis Man made his way back to our great Uncyclopedia with the intent of vandalizing Boomer's userpage. Soon after, the Town drunk Eugene Kay decided to follow suit by uploading the same image by the name of Zombiepenis. Why he decided to make such an apparent strike at the admin who has beat him so much is currently unknown. We at UnSignpost give them both a 25000000:1 chance of being banned. Local Uncyclopedian starts up Devil-Worship Wiki
 In a recent devil-related press conference. Cartoon Diablo, the younger and sillier version of Diablo. Has started up The Devil's Wiki, a wiki dedicated to worship of Satanism and The Devil itself. In a recent interview, Cartoon Diablo has said personally that "The wiki's going to contain a lot about the devil, no seriously. There's going to be articles about the caverns of hell, the kind of foods the devil eats and also various artworks done by the Devil himself. And if your asking if it's going to be great. Well... Yeah!, It's going to be satantastic!". Immediately after this was posted on the UnSignpost, 2 people have joined the satanic wiki. The 2 people are described to be a Himilianian Yettie and an Male Amish Human. Both of them have pledged their allegiance to the devil in return for absolute power. In today's weather report, make sure to bring an umbrella as Hell may be raining over within the next few days. Uncyclopedia's Reign of the Newbs Begins
Interestingly enough, lots of new noobs (and old noobs) are getting featured articles these days. Somehow, the cult of the newbs has awoken, and Uncyc has felt its presence link to Double Entendre. Oh... did I say that out loud? "I don't trust the young 'uns," said Farmer O'Dell at his grain silo, "They write funny articles, yeah, but what do they contribute to the community?" Actually, writers like Hyperbole, Cheapinitreal, and The Woodburninator have stepped up, and are already commanders. Except that last one, who is close enough. Big time contributors like YesTimeToEdit, Qua, and Orian57 are cleaning up this pig sty. Older members of uncyc have become less active, and are paving the way for these rising stars to shine. Uh, speaking as myself? I've never been more proud of Uncyclopedia than I have in the last month or so. Keep it up, guys! |
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UnSignpost: Jewlie 3rd/10th, 2008[edit source]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
July 10th, 2008 • Tenth Issue Spectacular!
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Uncyclopedia running out of interesting stuff, UnSignpost starts up shitty telethon!  Look at you, sitting there all high and mighty with your Chuck Norris facts and Oscar Wilde quotes, well during this season of laziness and sitting round jacking off, please donate the gift of humor (or humour, we bend that way to no matter how much we are chased out of church) to a poor Uncyclopedian run newspaper near you. Take this poor little article for example; Canadian Tire Money or Canny as no-one calls him, just 8 minutes old and he is already roaming the streets. Illiterate and doing incoherency, long lines of lists and e before i (especially after c), it is only a matter of time before he turns to gay jokes to fund his addictions. Please help this little article achieve its potential as an Injoke by donating the gift of laughter, stupidity... or even just simple bad taste. Successes
There's more you can do... Call you're nearest admin and start a discussion about just how much humor you can donate (read: swearing and shock-porn), or start the 2717231278th forum topic concerning how we all must strive to remove the scourge of shitty articles. In the immortally misattributed words of our founding fathers, stillwaters and Chronarion "Fuck were we high" er... or words of respected member TheLedBalloon "Also, in the ass or the mouth?" oh dear... or even words of Please help Save Cats from Degrading Captions- wait... - Save the Porn onto my Hard-drive- uh... I remember! Save UnSignpost from falling into a pit of lame memes and boring articles, here is a parting word from a little one in need of YOUR help. Ry4N IS TEh GH3Y n00b whO SUX b4lls!!1 ~ Ryan kella Makes you think don't it? We will be taking your calls now. Or now. Not now. Ok, now. Modusoperandi OP'ed!?
This past month of June, the Uncyclopedia community got its first chance at VFS since February, and one new op was decided upon. While there were many great and very capable candidates, one in particular got the most attention and the most votes. Modusoperandi. This long time Uncyclopedian has been to VFS almost every time it gets opened as far as we can trace, and always misses it in the final round by a slim number of votes. However, this month turned out to be a winner for him, so congratulations Modus. MO likes to spend his time writing things and 'chopping some images, but also finds time to goof off in the forums, and relieve the everyday pressure of his fellow colleagues with his off topic sense of humor, which he rarely hides. Modus has a total of 19.5 featured articles as well as 10 featured images. We at UnSignpost congratulate Modus on his winnings, and are willing to put $10 on him becoming the next STM. UnSignpost Takes A Wikibreak
Yeah, the UnSignpost, the newspaper that Uncyclopedia would totally fall apart without, took a wikibreak last week. They seem to be fashionable, so we thought we'd find out what they were all about. They seem to involve time spent not hunched over a keyboard in a darkened room. The UnSignpost reminds you that such activities are hazardous to your health, and should be avoided at all costs. (Note: this is absolutely true - in no way did the UnSignpost just miss a week because no-one could be bothered to edit it, or anything) |
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oh not dead[edit source]
just bumped into that damn education system, oh and quite a few girls, and possibly the occasional existential epiphany neozid?
- Mmm, girls. Mmm, existential epiphany. Mmm, education... no, wait. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 17:56, 6 November 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: July 17th, 2008[edit source]
I love it when the news comes together
July 17th, 2008 • Eleventh Issue • This issue isn't late, your calendar is fast.
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It's The Poo Lit. Surprised?
Uncyclopedia's twice annual writing competition, the Poo Lit Surprise starts this week. In typical Uncyclopedia style, it seems to have come as a surprise to many, not least EMC, who was supposed to be running it, but who has disappeared without trace. Horrified by what was happening to their beloved and prestigious competition, the Uncyclopedia community rushed into action as soon as it noticed (a day or so late), and promptly agreed someone needed to do something. This was followed by some of the community running around in small circles, flapping their hands wildly and panicking a bit, before cuddly authority figure Zombiebaron decisively stepped in and selflessly told Dr. Skullthumper to sort it out and get the fuck on with it. At the time of going to press, both Skullthumper and Zombiebaron may have been available for comment for all we know, but we couldn't be bothered to ask them. VFS: The Race Hots Up For The Second Month Running
In an unprecedented turn of events, and due to namby-pamby unclear rules that have since been firmed up and given a healthy gay colour makeover, Uncyclopedia is voting for further candidates to be admitted to the non-existent cabal. The race is turning out to be quite a close one between several of the frontrunners, so the ever-impartial UnSignpost (founded by Cajek and Dr. Skullthumper) brings you pen pics of the current favourites.
Who will win? All may be reported in future editions of the UnSignpost. If we remember. And if we can be bothered. |
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UnSignpost: July 24th, 2008[edit source]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
July 24th, 2008 • Twelfth Issue • Now On Time?
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Count to a million This week Uncyclopedians continued on their quixotic attempt to "count to a million." Started by Uncyclopedia Wiki-master and Chamber of Commerce Secretary Spang in early March of this year, the project seeks to eventually reach the number one million (1,000,000) through the ancient art of counting. Any person who is capable of taking a number, adding one to it, and expressing the result has been invited to join the massive undertaking, which has seen dozens of contributors come and go. As is always the case here at Uncyc, the project has spawned controversy, criticism, and a spin-off starring Tony Shalhoub as Olipro. The forum is an unprecedented pool of knowledge. As each number is reached, it is discussed in-depth by several Uncyclopedians. Insights such as "114 That's my age + 100 lololol" and "616 fucks fucking fucker's shitty crap" are a testament to the intellecually stimulating conversation that occurs each day. Oftentimes, relevant images are posted; the variety of these pictures can be seen by looking here, here, here, and here. However, not everyone is so optimistic about the project. Some have expressed concern that the entire thing has some kind of sinister purpose. When asked for a comment on the harmless-appearing but diabolically-undertoned project, TheLedBalloon said, "although the project appears harmless, there are definitely diabolical undertones." Another anonymous user stated, "that forum is most surely not pants." Spang himself has expressed his desire to leave behind a legacy, but he has also left open the possibility that "the entire thing is just an urban myth, and doesn't really exist." Regardless of its true meaning or intentions, Uncyclopedians continue to trudge on in their epic quest, reaching 0.075% of their goal this Monday. Editors come and go, the pace quickens and slackens, but someone is always there to figure out the next number in the sequence. At its current rate, the project will reach one million on August 19th, 2526. Until that glorious day, Uncyclopedians can only dream... Cheevers Fires Back! After some light-hearted slights in last week's issue, Gerry Cheevers - Uncyclopedia's resident headcase and #2 hockey authority - has taken exception with the editors of this fine periodical. An ugly scene erupted in the USP press room after Gerry barged in, demanding some sort of justice. Luckily, some quick thinking by our tea-boy and current stand-in editor caused Mr. Cheevers to be distracted by a shiny object long enough to avoid any damage to our delicate newspapering equipment. After it was pointed out that he had in fact come and gone from Uncyclopedia like some sort of cow that grazes on witty satire and coherent parody, Gerry calmed down enough give a brief interview and let some of our junior reporters scratch him behind the ears. When asked about the reasons for his return, Gerry cited many things. Prominent among them were a desire to have humor play a larger role in his life once again, the thrill of writing articles, the subsequent crushing defeat after said articles have been hacked to pieces mercilessly, and his heterosexual man-crush on Mhaille. The one-time WotM nominee fell on hard times in mid-March, and went on sabbatical when his computer decided that it was not long for this world and took its own life. After that, Gerry resorted to breaking into libraries after-hours to cast VFH votes on city-owned, porn-riddled, abysmally slow dial-up computers. Luckily he landed a job in late May and has spent a majority of his time at said job slacking off and editing Uncyclopedia. Mr. Cheevers looks forward to getting back to what he is known for: mediocre writing, scathing Pee Reviews, and keeping Manforman locked up in the Uncyc dungeons. Several prominent Uncyclopedians share his optimism for a permanent return, including noted reviewing robot MrN9000, who stated that he was "willing to bet everything Cajek owns to that effect," and heavy zeppelin Don Leddy, who expressed his delight at seeing Gerry, exclaiming "gimme back my twenty dollars!" |
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Good day sir...[edit source]
(Huff log); 14:03 . . Hindleyite (Talk | contribs) (huffed "Fisher": Ooble)
You may (or may not) be aware that this article was on VFH... MrN 14:07, Jul 28
- Well blow me, suppose I'd better restore it. I just saw it as one of those insta-delete articles you get every day but hey, y'know, whatever. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 14:12, 28 July 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: July 31st, 2008[edit source]
Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth
July 31st, 2008 • Lucky Thirteenth Issue • Now with 20% more ninjas!
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The biggest little whorehouse on the internet Oftentimes, Uncyclopedians choose to create something on their userpages, safe from the prying eyes and hungry 'delete' buttons of admins. These entities can range from the ridiculously complex to the awesomely cartoonish. The newest user creation on this silly wiki is that of a charming gentle-bot by the name of MrN9000. At 'The Whorehouse', writers can bathe in the attention they so desperately seek. A sort of hands-on Pee Review, the Whorehouse encourages other users to edit, trim, improve, rub up against, and generally increase the quality of the articles of others. Authors suffering from mental blocks (or physical blocks) can turn to this dimly lit establishment for inspiration. While considered a 'smashing' idea by some, the brothel has drawn its share of criticism. It may have even caused a site-wide questioning of the rules of VFH, guidelines of Pee Review, and the vailidity of the Committee That Selects Zombiebaron's Daily Banstick. The main concern seems to be articles getting 'mucked up' by having too many contributors. Opponents to this opinion have pointed out that this is a wiki, and, in theory, an infinite number of contributors contributing to an infinite number of articles for an infinite amount of time were eventually destined to create the Whorehouse, anyway. Some users, such as Ljlego, have taken advantage of the open space to hold some sort of charity-scamming orgy. Whatever the destiny of the Whorehouse, it is sure to catch every Uncyclopedian's attention for at the least five minutes immediately following the reading of this article.
Virus exposes user vulnerability to death Yes, it's true. Death is inevitable for all users who have logged in recently. Apparently, a rouge admin created a computer virus so potent you actually contract testicular cancer. Real cancer. Like, In real life. Seriously. And how does one contract the virus? Users are warned that that the simple act of logging in to Uncyclopedia will cause one to contract the fatal disease. "Yes, I know cancer isn't a disease nor a virus" said one doctor "but still, it sucks. I mean - it's cancer - IN YOUR BALLS. Come on." So how exactly does on know when they have cancer? Symptoms may include one or more of the following:
Make sure to constantly check your testicles by feeling them for irregularities with your fingers. ... That's right. ... Just feel 'em up ... nice ... Ahem! Uh... Simple vigilance is a big help. The best time to check is after a hot shower, when the scrotum is looser. And what of the female users? No, not even the three of them are safe. It has been proven that even female users can contract testicular cancer. How, you ask? Well, by a miracle of God, the female will grow testicles, that will then become "cancerfied" (or "cancer-ific", if you prefer.) The only users who are safe from this horrible plague are IP addresses, as they lack testes and the ability to grow any. Remember kids, no matter how much Dr. Health, Esq. tells you cancer is great, don't believe him. Oh? ... What's that? ... I said something about dying? ... Oh. ... Well, if one of your testicles was three times bigger than the other and your semen was filled with blood, would you not kill yourself? That's right... |
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UnSignpost: July 31st, 2008[edit source]
Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth
July 31st, 2008 • Lucky Thirteenth Issue • Now with 20% more ninjas!
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The biggest little whorehouse on the internet Oftentimes, Uncyclopedians choose to create something on their userpages, safe from the prying eyes and hungry 'delete' buttons of admins. These entities can range from the ridiculously complex to the awesomely cartoonish. The newest user creation on this silly wiki is that of a charming gentle-bot by the name of MrN9000. At 'The Whorehouse', writers can bathe in the attention they so desperately seek. A sort of hands-on Pee Review, the Whorehouse encourages other users to edit, trim, improve, rub up against, and generally increase the quality of the articles of others. Authors suffering from mental blocks (or physical blocks) can turn to this dimly lit establishment for inspiration. While considered a 'smashing' idea by some, the brothel has drawn its share of criticism. It may have even caused a site-wide questioning of the rules of VFH, guidelines of Pee Review, and the vailidity of the Committee That Selects Zombiebaron's Daily Banstick. The main concern seems to be articles getting 'mucked up' by having too many contributors. Opponents to this opinion have pointed out that this is a wiki, and, in theory, an infinite number of contributors contributing to an infinite number of articles for an infinite amount of time were eventually destined to create the Whorehouse, anyway. Some users, such as Ljlego, have taken advantage of the open space to hold some sort of charity-scamming orgy. Whatever the destiny of the Whorehouse, it is sure to catch every Uncyclopedian's attention for at the least five minutes immediately following the reading of this article.
Virus exposes user vulnerability to death Yes, it's true. Death is inevitable for all users who have logged in recently. Apparently, a rouge admin created a computer virus so potent you actually contract testicular cancer. Real cancer. Like, In real life. Seriously. And how does one contract the virus? Users are warned that that the simple act of logging in to Uncyclopedia will cause one to contract the fatal disease. "Yes, I know cancer isn't a disease nor a virus" said one doctor "but still, it sucks. I mean - it's cancer - IN YOUR BALLS. Come on." So how exactly does on know when they have cancer? Symptoms may include one or more of the following:
Make sure to constantly check your testicles by feeling them for irregularities with your fingers. ... That's right. ... Just feel 'em up ... nice ... Ahem! Uh... Simple vigilance is a big help. The best time to check is after a hot shower, when the scrotum is looser. And what of the female users? No, not even the three of them are safe. It has been proven that even female users can contract testicular cancer. How, you ask? Well, by a miracle of God, the female will grow testicles, that will then become "cancerfied" (or "cancer-ific", if you prefer.) The only users who are safe from this horrible plague are IP addresses, as they lack testes and the ability to grow any. Remember kids, no matter how much Dr. Health, Esq. tells you cancer is great, don't believe him. Oh? ... What's that? ... I said something about dying? ... Oh. ... Well, if one of your testicles was three times bigger than the other and your semen was filled with blood, would you not kill yourself? That's right... |
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UnSignpost: August 7th, 2008[edit source]
The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!
August 7th, 2008 • Fourteenth Issue • Just like Grandma used to make!
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Uncyclopedia Forum set to consume the Internet Top scientists at the Uncycloversity this week predicted that a Village Dump topic, started in June by prominent Uncylopedian and alchemist Spang, will one day consume the entire internet. According to the university's top expert, Dr. Skullthumper, Ph.D.: "This is one of those things that could go on forever. I mean, at least counting to a million has a definite ending. With this, there is no end, since everyone wants to be the last person to edit." Wikia staff member and Uncyclopedian Sannse predicts that the forum topic will take up all of Wikia's hardware by late 2009 and will then begin to "consume all around it, like I did that time I tried marijuana." She went on to add, "nothing will be safe – not even Wikipedia," before blessing herself and staring reverently at a statue of Jimmy Wales. Others, however, are more optimistic. According to Modusoperandi, "eventually someone will invent some sort of robot or hobgoblin to automatically edit the topic, and then it will have to be locked. Either that, or someone will figure out that there is no prize, rendering the whole thing pointless. And then I shall be the winner!" Spang was unavailable for comment because, according to his spokesperson, "he is busy in his cave dreaming up more crazy schemes to destroy the internet." Admins everywhere! If you're a wiki-troll, cyberbullying vandal or extremely crappy article, you'd better start watching your behind. Three new deputies were voted in by the Uncyclopedia Sheriff's Department: Dr. Skullthumper, RAHB, and Roman Dog Bird. The trio were bestowed this great honor last Friday by Codeine. This brings the total amount of active authority figures who could wallop you over the head with a banhammer to 29. The reason for the unusally high number of new sysops is that a clear consensus could not be reached, and also that all three of these individuals are "awesome". The new admins were extremely pleased and greatly honored by their new title. None of them wasted any time in executing their first sysop move (RAHB and Dr. Skullthumper banned Cajek; Roman Dog Bird deleted one hundred articles, then banned Cajek). The prescence of these new neighborhood patrollers was evident immediately, with QVFD being renamed "Skull and RAHB's House of Huffing", and placing {{VFD}} in an article now automatically classifying it as "Roman Dog Bird's bitch". The reactions from the new sysops were similar, with all three pledging to delete bad articles, ban unworthy knuckleheads, continue plans for world domination, and "try not to muck up the site too much". RAHB has set himself lofty goals, including "keeping it cool" and some wiki-related nonsense that this reporter didn't understand. Roman Dog Bird wished the readers of the Signpost to know that he said "something", and went on to add that he will continue to "clean crap up...only now with more power." Dr. Skullthumper is thankful that no one has caught on to the trio of new ops and expresses his optimism as far as not being immediately de-opped, but also listed several early accomplishments as well as future goals. With these three brave new souls now patrolling the corridors of this silly wiki, it is truly a dark time for terrible articles, merciless vandals, and Cajek. |
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WTF!?[edit source]
Why did you bann me!? -- – Preceding unsigned comment added by 98.181.43.86 (talk • contribs)
- Dunno, could be any number of reasons. First of all, who are you? This is your only contrib under this IP address. Give me your username and I can unblock you. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 10:35, 14 August 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: August 14th, 2008[edit source]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
August 14th, 2008 • Fifteenth Issue • May contain traces of humor
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Uncyclopedia kidnapped!  In a shocking development, a brazen individual absconded with Uncyclopedia just over a week ago. Users were shocked when their attempts to access the site between 18:33 and 20:07 UTC on August 4th resulted in a sinister message being displayed, promising the swift return of the wiki should the kidnapper's demands be met. Panic ensued, with several Uncyclopedians wandering off to places unknown, never to return. Once the site was restored and the intertubes reconnected, the identity of the culprit was obvious: Orian57 had made the last edit before the ninety-minute gap, with the ominous and puzzling edit summary of "I AM STEALING UNCYCLOPEDIA!!!" The site itself seemed to be mostly fine after its harrowing ordeal, with the exception of VFP, which turned all of Zombiebaron's against votes into ten for votes during the first few hours back. This reporter caught up to Orian57, and had the opportunity to talk with him at some length about the reasons for the abduction. After consulting with his lawyer, Orian agreed to comment on the situation. On why he stole the wiki, he said, "my motivation for this cyber-terrorism wasn't something trite like 'because I could' or 'it wasn't me'. No. It was because nobody was paying me any attention!" It seems that Orian, in a desperate bid for attention, locked the Uncyclopedia server in a basement, and attempted to edit it so that all content referred to him. Perhaps his subconcious got the better of him, or perhaps the spirit of Sophia came to Uncyclopedia's rescue. In any case, Orian claims he heard a female voice speaking to him, which convinced him to return the server and allow "uncyclopedians around the world to stop masturbating and return to peeling potatoes or whatever they do." Some sort of competition finishes
So as you may have noticed, recently a contest of titanic proportions has been gripping the world like no other event. Palms have been sweaty, nails have been chewed, bribes, threats, and allegations of stimulant abuse have been rife. But now, the latest incarnation of the Poo Lit Surprise has drawn to a close, and so our attention can drift to that bunch of steroid-enhanced nutters at the Olympics. Finally, the questions on everyone's lips have been answered. Providing they were related to the Poo Lit Surprise, and who was going to win. Other questions, unfortunately, remain unanswered. However, if you do want to know who won, and haven't found out already, you can find out here. We could just tell you here, but where's the fun in that? We should, however, point out that if you haven't seen all of the articles yet, there are some real crackers amongst them, and not just the winners either - which probably reflects well on the Uncyclopedia Community as a whole, although it may just hint that everyone saved their best articles for this one small period of time and now has nothing else to offer for another 6 months. We'll see, but in the meantime, have a look at all the entries - there should be chuckles on offer whatever your sense of humo(u)r! |
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UnSignpost: August 21st, 2008[edit source]
STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!
August 21st, 2008 • Issue Sixteen • The periodical without any junk in its trunk
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And the award for Sluttiest User goes to... ...Mhaille! With over fifteen thousand links to his userpage strewn willy-nilly about Uncyclopedia, Mhaille takes home the Slutty for the sixth consecutive time. Everyone's favorite moustachioed chappie overtook Codeine in early 2007 and never looked back. When asked about this momentous achievement, Mhaille was still in shock from the victory. "I'd like to give thanks to my mother and my father, for first taking me into the family business. Without their years of experience and their guidance I would not have become the Slut I am today," he said. "It is for them that I hope to make it a seventh title!" Coming in at second on the list was the legendary Benson. Despite having only twenty edits in the past year, Benson has managed to rack up over twelve thousand links to his userpage. He still enjoys a several thousand link lead over slut number three, Thekillerfroggy. When asked how Benson managed to not only maintain his lead, but actually increase it, TKF said, "A wizard did it." In-depth investigation by this reporter revealed that Froggy's signature may have something to do with it, as random selection feature will occasionally cause TKF's sig to spam dozens of links to Benson's userpage, mostly in Dr. Skullthumper's userspace. UnSignpost gets new paper-boy Uncyclopedia's semi-official newspaper, enjoyed by literally several readers each week, has hired a brand new paper boy. This individual has been delivering the UnSignpost for the past two weeks. This cost cutting measure was announced after the guy with the keys to the delivery robots disappeared, taking the keys, several thousand dollars in cash, and a stapler with him. Unconfirmed rumours made up by me suggest that he intends to staple the money to the keys before turning the stapler on himself. The paper boy, who calls himself Gerrycheevers, says that it is a tough job, but he is glad to be able to contribute something. "It's a tough job," he told UnSignpost reporters "but I am glad to be able to contribute something." The young paper boy is saving up his pocket money to buy a new frisbee. The mammoth task has taken its toll on young Mr. Cheevers, leaving him with severe wrist pain and an acute hatred of humanity. "It totally messed up my wrists. I was out of action for days!" he said. Most Uncyclopedians are said to be happy with the new service, saying that they prefer the more personal touch that comes with human delivery. "Those damn robots trampled my garden, broke down my door and killed my dog with their death-rays" said one unfortunate Uncyclopedian. In a related story, Gerrycheevers has been 'throttled' from such activites as moving pages and making mass edits. His repetitive edits have apparently pissed off at least one admin, and Gerry is now limited to one edit per four hours. He has used these edits carefully, and has managed to find a new paperbot. This week, the UnSignpost will be delivered by MantiBot. Subscribers can only hope the new delivery system works out, or the UnSignpost may be doomed. |
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Owner 12:17, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: August 28th, 2008[edit source]
The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!
August 28th, 2008 • SEVENTEENTH ISSUE SPECTACULAR • Word to your mother
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Porn Wars End in Sticky Truce At exactly 10:28 pm (UTC), Sir Led Balloon did the honors of emblazoning a golden '1000' in the count to a million project, a true milestone on the journey to seven-digit greatness. Another user celebrated by gracing the page with an unprecedented one-thousand-and-one pixel high "1001", which was quickly taken down. The user was, needless to say, embarrassed, yet happy that the uncouth horde of devoted Uncyclopedians had finally reached the number 1000, as such a milestone had not been reached since the number 100 and the end of the Porn Wars. On that note, the Porn Wars ended earlier this week with a tentative truce between Commander Jailbait and General Pervert. The war began the week before, when Regret posted a pin-up girl to balance Orian's photo of a scantily-clad male, claiming he was "bringing balance back to the universe." Regret also stated he would "fight to the death"... or at least until Leddy stepped in, this time to call a "three-pornstuffs rule", which eventually ended the erotic feud. Meth, a constant editor on the forum, said "'twas a fortunate day for all under 18." Still, even with peace returning to the forum, not all is well in the land of counting. On the subject of reaching 1000, one dissenting user said: "Perhaps we should seriously consider stopping there. I mean that would be 1/1000 of the goal! Imagine doing this whole thing, 1000 times. That would mean 3000 archives, give or take." To which another user responded, "unfortunately for you, Nobody cares." Nevertheless, as long as there are users with nothing better to do, the Forum will always trudge on, giving Uncyclopedians something with which to kill thirty seconds, and also giving UnSignpost reporters something to write about. Lack of cure for testicular cancer kills 100 Uncyc members Uncycloversity members are still failing to find a cure for our previously mentioned testicular cancer, and to date, 100 people have died of said cancer. When nobody died, some user said it was a rumor made by some other user to piss us all off, right before clutching his balls in pain and dropping dead. Within an hour, about 16 more people died a cancer-related death. A live update shows that 105 users are now dead. You could be next! Don't panic, that'll make you die faster. Regret Tenenbaum, the user who originally warned of the disease, had this to say: "I TOLD YOU SO!" to which he added "Na-nanana-nanana!" The death toll is expected to reach into the thousands, with no end in sight. A memorial was set up earlier today to remember the dead, with one number added for every fallen Uncyclopedian. With fear and panic filling the hearts of users everywhere, there is one question that is on everyone's mind: "WHY GOD, WHY?!" Another live update show that 200 people have now died, and out of those, 10 people killed themselves in anxiety. Remember to always feel your testicles with your fingers. That's right. It helps prevent the cancer from reproducing. |
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UnSignpost: September 4th, 2008[edit source]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
September 4th, 2008 • Eighteenth Issue • STOP!! SIGNPOST TIME!!
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Uncyclopedia copies Conservapedia  Recently, on the fact-based no-spin-zone wiki known as Conservapedia, there has been debate raging over whether to ban all atheists from contributing. Apparently conservapedians believe atheists (those who deny the existence of the creator) to be at the very least a hinderance, and at the very most a hideous group of venom-spitting demon-eyed savages who feed on the blood of children. If this motion garners enough support it may become a 'Conservapedia Commandment', along with 'no girls allowed' and 'slow down, this is a neighborhood.' Mild amusement and complete apathy were rampant among Uncyclopedians yesterday. Some poked fun at the silly conservatives for proposing such a Nazi-esque measure. Others took up the reigns in a new thread: should atheists (of Cthulhu) be barred from Uncyclopedia? It seems support for this action is widespread, and soon 'Cthulhu tests' will be administered to random users at random times. Failure of such tests will result in soul consumption. User Heerenveen had this to say: "I believe that it shouldn't matter whether you are an avid worshipper of Cthulhu, just someone who pretends to like Cthulhu to fit in with your mates, or indeed a foaming-at-the-crotch atheist (of Cthulhu), you should be infinibanned from Uncyc regardless. Unless, of course, you are Cajek," to which Orian57 added, "Richard Dawkins is so sexy." As is the norm here on Uncyclopedia, the controversy was immediately parodied, and then the parody of the controversy was summarily parodied. It has yet to be seen whether the parody of the parody will in fact be parodied.
IN A WORLD where JUSTICE is a distant memory...where HOPE seems desperately out of reach...where THROATY BARITONES are hard to come by... ...ONE MAN performed voice-overs for OVER NINETY FOUR THOUSAND FILMS. His DEEPLY SONOROUS VOICE could turn even the most BORING movie into AN ALL-OUT THRILLER... ...Most famously known for THAT GEICO COMMERCIAL HE DID, that man's NAME was DON LAFONTAINE. Critics hailed him as 'THAT MOVIE TRAILER ANNOUNCER GUY' and 'THE DUDE WITH THE CRAZY VOICE'... ...On Monday, LaFontaine PASSED AWAY suddenly when a FIERY EXPLOSION in a SHRAPNEL FACTORY caused the TURBO-CHARGED SPORTSCAR in which he was being pursued by MONGOL HORDES to CAREEN OVER A CLIFF. He was 68...
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UnSignpost: September 11th, 2008[edit source]
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
September 11th, 2008 • Nineteenth Issue • All your readers are belong to us
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Uncyclopedia celebrates 9/11
 8 years ago, America was attacked or something. Uncyclopedians, who are true patriots, celebrated the eighth anniversary in true American fashion: by doing mostly nothing of interest to anyone but themselves. The UnSignpost devoted nine-hundred-eleven minutes of silence to the event Thursday by not even bothering to send itself out. "The Unsignpost was there nine years ago during those super not-kewl terrorist attacks," said chief writer Gerrycheevers. "I wasn't part of the staff then, so I promise that, in the 911th issue, we will devote a whole article to the events of that frabjuous day." In the 911th year of publication, the Unsignpost promises to dedicate the whole issue to 9/11 and those rascally terrorists. "We've already got 911 stories lined up for publication!" said staff photographer Larry. "It's too bad we have to wait so long to get them to the public, but that's what happens when you honor a holiday like this the way you're SUPPOSED to." Uncyclopedia's main page was 11/9-themed for the occasion. When Mordillo and Spang were alerted that nothing interesting happened on November ninth, 2001, Larry, Mordillo's public relations officer, claimed that "it [didn't] matter: One date is the same as the next. Why don't you Unsignpost people shut the hell up? Oh, and uh, I won't be able to come in Monday: it's my sister's wedding." Other wikis in cyberspace exist, and therefore did things relating to 9/11. Conservapedia, a conservative parody of Uncyclopedia, celebrated by drawing figures of Mohammed on their private nuclear stockpile. Legopedia celebrated by informing the public of Lego's new action series: 9/11: the Suckiest Thing Ever. Jengapedia honored the fallen by sponsoring a 911 minute championship Jenga competition. Liberalpedia, on the other hand, did nothing of any consequence. >:( FUCK YOU LIBERALS!! FUCK YOUUUU!!!! The Unsignpost would like to print a retraction of it's 47th issue from September 11th, 2001, wherein the terrorist attacks were called "super-kewl" and the terrorists themselves hailed as heroes. Those responsible have been sacked.
Conservation Week, also known as 'Rewrite-a-thon' or 'De-crap-ification', is upon our community once again. Twice a year, Uncyclopedians band together to clean out the weeds and squirrel corpses from promising trees found in the rewrite category, among other places. Due to the retirement of co-founder Jocke Pirat and quasi-inactiveness of co-founder THE, another user has stepped in with promises to annoy every user until they rewrite at least one article. That user shall remain anonymous. Opening day for this well-liked, popular, and intriguing event is Monday the 15th. The winner of the competition will receive the Greasy Mechanic Award for having rewritten the most articles in the two-week competition. Past winners include THE and Jocke Pirat. Be sure to participate early so as to avoid annoying requests to "rewrite an article, you lazy git!" The event has thrown into sharp relief the lack of Uncyclopedia events, or the excess of Uncyclopedia events, depending on who you ask. Ideas like Forest Fire Week and Everyone Edit A Ton Of Articles Week have not received much support, but may be enacted in the future to keep ADD-riddled Uncyclopedians something to do for five minutes. RC takes home NotM After years of fruitless nominations, Rcmurphy has finally won n00b of the Month. The announcement came last week, when none of the three candidates fufilled the requirements necessary for winning the n00by. It seemed the two new users had both failed to write an article, and So So did not meet the main n00bishness requirement. Since there was no clear winner, the award went to Rc by Rule 4.1, Clause 3 of the NotM eligibility guidelines. As far as the NotM badge itself, it was initally placed on So So's userpage. After relenquishing the honor to Rcmurphy, So So proceeded to foul the badge and offer it to the user who wanted it the most. After the planned Panel of Penis Monkeys from Outer Space cancelled, a phone-in contest was held, in which Colin "All your base" Heaney dominated the competiton. He took home the badge and now proudly displays the feces-ridden merit on his userpage. In a related story, Rcmurphy is up for NotM yet again. However, he is facing stiff competition from W.T. Door, a U.S. Navy seamen who spends his time swabbing decks, battoning down hatches, and writing cool stuff. |
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Owner 10:56, 17 September 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: October 3rd, 2008[edit source]
The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes
October 2nd, 2008 • ALL-KITTEN ISSUE • Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
According to Wikia staff member Sannse, Uncyclopedia's advertising revenue is below expectations and must rename itself to appeal to the younger generation. "I think the problem is that 'Uncyclopedia' has lost its edge," Sannse said to a crowd of squirrels and kittens gathered around the Uncyclo-stables last Saturday, "...all of which is contained in its name." Older users, like Mordillo, the jew who secretly controls "Uncyc," and TheLedBalloon, who is an inanimate balloon, strongly petition for the name to stay the same. The Unsignpost couldn't be bothered to actually read the forum that Sannse created, but we're assuming that everyone's against changing the name to "Asparagus.org" or something. The name change will reflect the personalities and interests of every single contributor. "Yeah, Asparagus.org is gonna have to do until we figure out what would be a good name," Sannse yelled at a local gathering of squirrels in Uncyclopedia's break room. Many users have complained about the change, but not AsparagusSignPost, which has run into a little trouble with the law recently, and doesn't want to go back to jail by disobeying "the man" or causing "drama". Because, as we ALL know, some head writers have been banned a whole bunch of times for being "different". So to Asparagus.org we say: "Keep the funnies coming, unless someone is forecasting your doom again..."
 For the first time in over two weeks, the flaming death of this silly wiki has been predicted in some form. Last time it was that stain that looked puzzlingly like Jimbo Wales, the time before it was that bird that flew overhead. You know the one I mean. This time around, undead user Necropaxx has pointed out several recent disturbing trends that seem to mean only one thing: Uncyc is about to suffer its death throes. It seems this time that the demise of the wiki will also utterly destroy the souls of every one of the dozens of users who contribute here regularly. Tidings such as this have frightened new users such as September NotM Multiliteralist, who had his to say: "Oh no." Several of the signs that Uncyclopedia is doomed are unarguably true: VFP is stagnant due to the lack of Zombiebaron activity. The Pee Review queue is backed up worse than a public toilet after Cinco de Mayo. Modusoperandi seems to be malfunctioning, as he has dispensed with his usual biting wit in favor of just plain biting. It appears, in at least a few users' eyes, that Uncyc has "jumped the kitten". Lack of News Wreaks Havoc on UnSignpost In an unprecedented press conference earlier this week, UnSignpost editor-in-chief Mr. Gerry Cheevers (the user, not the hockey player) admitted that "This week's issue is actually still a blank template", further stating "I've been swamped at work, and today developed cold-like symptoms." However, some experts disagree on the cause of an UnSignpost devoid of news. "There is an obvious explanation for the lack of gratifying news stories in the USP this week," said Mr. News Guy, the world-renowned news reporter, kitten enthusiast, and unicycle-fetish expert. "There is just no news to report on," he continued, to which the reporter we borrowed from UnNews responded "And what's causing this lack of news?" "That's just it! There's no news to report on!" "So... you're saying is, the reason there's no news is because there's no news?" "Exactly! And it's just a matter of time until some attention whore writes a stupid and redundant story on the fact that there's no news!" This story is dedicated to the memory of Mr. News Guy, whose body was recovered from the Los Angeles river the next day. |
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UnSignpost: October 10th 2008[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
October 9th, 2008 • Twenty-First Issue • Bursting with Crunchy Goodness!
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Uncyclopedia Stock Plummets  Uncyclopedia stockholders are in a state of panic after shares of Uncyclomedia fell over 60% this week amid fears of a writing recession. "I just can't gamble on a rebound," said one investor as he carefully climbed out onto his window ledge overlooking Wall Street, perhaps seeking some fresh air. "With the current economic and comedic climate, and rumors of the destruction of the website, it looks like Uncyc Incorporated is about to fold." Other investors are slightly more optimistic. We ran into a smartly dressed woman in the Uncyc break room and were intrigued as to why a female would ever have enough confidence in the wiki to invest the large sum of one dollar bills she was counting. It turned out that she was a stripper, but we did eventually find someone who still had faith in the company. "There's so much more to the Uncyclopedia Empire than just the humor wiki," said confident money-man Chet Hardluck. "There's the kitten factory, the escort service, the games & sports division...and don't forget the world's largest boron-smelting plant!" When it was pointed out that these claims are in fact bollocks (except for the boron plant), Hardluck joined the queue of businessmen waiting their turn to get some frsh air on the suddenly popular ledge. The fate of the Uncyclopedia corporation remained unclear at press time. Some say that if Uncyc stock plummets through enough negative numbers, the stock will reset itself at zero, resulting in huge negative negative profits for those who bought the stock whilst it was negative. Uncyclopedia announces invasion of YouTube The first upload began a series of incursions onto YouTube by all types of Uncyclopedians. Some made sense, such as article narrations and UnTunes. Some were questionable, such as the gangsta rap video by the usually timid Sycamore. But nearly 99% of all material in the 'Uncyclopedia' category is patent nonsense, such as a visualization of AAAAAAA!, faceoffs between George Bush & Kanye West and Steve Ballmer & various other injokes, and a 'don't blink contest' featuring Gert5 staring into a camera for nine hours. |
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UnSignpost: 21 October 2008[edit source]
The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!
October 16th, 2008 • Twenty-Second Issue • Now with 40% more Batman!
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Uncyc Users throw Support Behind Joe Plumber  Uncyclopedians today officially declared their undying allegience to Joe Plumber, a newcomer in the upcoming U.S. presidential election. Plumber was thrust into the spotlight last night at the second of many dreadfully boring presidential debates between those two or more candidates currently jockeying for the office. His name was mentioned no less than twenty-four dozen times by the candidates, with each claiming that Joe sided with him on issues such as healthcare, tax increases, and the 'Canada Problem'. One candidate even went so far as to claim that he and Plumber were 'buddies', and that Plumber installed a new bathtub in his palatial presidential candidate mansion last July. Several prominent Uncyclopedians spoke out in vehement support of Plumber, citing his many qualifications to be the leader of the free world. "He's a maverick in the plumbing industry," said staunch pro-Plumberer Colin "All your base" Heaney. "He also has a plan to live the American Dream, through the infinite wisdom of buying his own plumbing company. America needs dreamers, Gerry." Despite being asked to stop commenting, Heaney went on to say that Plumber "cleans people's pipes on a regular basis." Other supporters of Joe Plumber's campaign and platform included inanimate objects such as TheLedBalloon. "The most important thing to know about Joe Plumber is that he is AMERICAN, in bold italics underlined and all caps, just like that." When asked to give another example of how patriotic both he and Plumber are, Mr. Balloon replied, "Just picture him standing in front of a flag with the Star Spangled Banner playing in the background, and you'll know why I support his presidency." Current polls show Plumber trailing in the presidential race, with an estimated zero percent of all voters. His backers are trying to spread the word about Joe's tax relief plan, his rugged good looks, and his skill with a pair of slip-nose pliers. Uncylopedia Issues Food Stamps Due to the recent downturn in the economy, Uncyclopedia officials have issued hundreds of food stamps to users who have no means of feeding themselves. These users might be out of a job or have no arms. In any case, these food stamps are to be given out on alternate Thursdays, except for odd-numbered months, months ending in 'y' or 'r', and April. They will be available at the Uncyclopedia Meat Depot, the boron smelting plant, or by calling the new food stamps hotline. These food stamps will be valid for purchasing a wide variety of nutritious and delicious items from the Uncyclopedia Farmer's Market and Livestock Emporium. Included are items such as pre-packed huffable kittens, gummi grues, and AAAAAAA! cookies.
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UnSignpost: 3-ish November 2008[edit source]
STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!
November 3rd-ish, 2008 • Twenty-Third Issue • Better than things that aren't as good!
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Address Change: Return To Sender? If you are one of those people, here's a brief summary of the incident:
If you aren't one of those people, here's an even briefer summary:
More on this ongoing situation as we get it. Probably. Glorious return to form for MrN! Fellow poopsmith and genial man-about-town UU said of the momentous occasion: "you what? MrN? Oh yeah, him. Good bloke. Knows his underwear". Then he scratched his nose reflectively and wandered off. MrN himself was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press/we couldn't be bothered to interview him (delete as you think applicable), but the UnSignpost fondly imagines he would have smiled enigmatically, raised an eyebrow quizzically, nodded appreciatively, and said "PANTS!" predictably. The pants themselves were also unavailable for comment. |
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Shoved through the letterbox for the one and only time by UU - natter 
11:49, Nov 6
UnSignpost: 13th November 2008[edit source]
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
November 13th, 2008 • Issue 24 • So close to journalism you'll be hard pushed to know the difference!
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Uncyclopedian does something vaguely noteworthy in "real life" Mickey has so far failed to live up to Uncyclopedia's proudest traditions, by actually being quite good at the game. Indeed, at the time of writing, he'd won several games, including what he modestly described as "an awesome numbers game, beating Carol". He also shamelessly mentioned his connection to the site in a recent episode, leading to quite literally no extra edits to the Countdown article - still, thanks for the plug, Mick! Having spent time in the company of such notable international icons as Des O'Connor (no, we don't have a page on him, so there's no link), Paul Zenon (nope, nothing on him either) and Suzy Dent (spotting a pattern here, non-UK readers?) Mickey is now Uncyclopedia's most prominent celebrity, and it's surely only a matter of time before he appears on Strictly Come Dancing or Celebrity Big Brother, and has a lurid kiss-and-tell exposé in Heat Magazine. Various "...of the month" award candidates - November's in-depth analysis Uncyclopedian of the Month: Controversial nominees abound here, as serial ban collector Cajek goes head-to-head with Wikia corporate mouthpiece Sannse. The hyperactive one with the light blue sig is in the lead at present. But! As with certain other popular recent votes, there is a third candidate inexplicably attracting little attention - Dexter111344, a site maintenance and VFD stalwart. Who will win? Only you can decide (and all the other people who vote, obviously). Noob of the Month: No-one. Yet. Find a noob doing something vaguely decent and nominate them please! Otherwise the UnSignpost may just have to bring back the ultimate dead horse for yet more flogging and nom Rcmurphy again. Useless Gobshite of the Month: Kip the Dip is out on his own for this one so far. Having proved an exemplary gobshite for months on end, despite being cruelly denied the recognition of this award, the UnSignpost feels that his time is now, and is abandoning all pretence at unbiased journalism: VOTE KIP FOR UGotM! |
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MrN9001 12:44, 13 November 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: 20th November2008[edit source]
The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!
November 20th, 2008 • #100/4 • Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.
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UnSignpost Stumbles past 6 month milestone In true UnSignpost fashion, the editors noticed this about 2 weeks late - the Signpost having been so gloriously conceived (and never was a word more aptly suited to this juvenile-as-all-get-out publication) by Dr. Skullthumper and Cajek back in early May. The first issue rolled off the presses on May 8th, bringing you such earth-shattering news as "Rcmurphy nommed for Noob of the Month again" and "Uncyclopedia F**king Doomed", as well as establishing Signpost tradition with "Spacefiller of the week" (something about Grand Theft Auto). The editor's office here at USP should probably have had a revolving door installed, having been occupied at various times since Cajek and Skull abandoned it by THEDUDEMAN, Gerrycheevers, Heerenveen and some other numpty - although this is small change compared to the number of delivery bots and boys that have thrust the latest issue, still warm, through your letter flaps. Over the months, many other contributors have helped to keep the UnSignpost in its deserved position of "only weekly-ish newspaper on the wiki" - possibly by being so lame that no-one wanted to bother doing another one. And, having brought you such shattering exclusives as "Wookiepedia Too Cool For Cajek", "Porn Wars End in Sticky Truce" and "RC takes home NotM", the UnSignpost shows no sign of speeding up. Maybe one day, the unstoppable forces of apathy will finally overcome those who still labour under the impression that people actually care about seeing block log entries and biopics arrive on their talk page weekly, and the UnSignpost will grind to a halt. But until then, it will continue to bring you all the old news you've already seen somewhere else, whether you like it or not! UnSportsPost
In response to quite literally some demand, your ever-topical, finger-on-the-pulse UnSignpost brings you all the latest sports news that's unfit to print!
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Halp! - The article on kerala seems to have been huffed[edit source]
This time around, it seems to have been a fairly complete article, and seems to have been deleted by a someone who seems to be a very patriotic keralite ( the comments , when translated, read " insulting kerala?, you .........(expletives)" http://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=Kerala&action=edit I'm myself a keralite, and dont find anything seriously wrong with a little parody. I'm not sure how you un-Huff a page. having seen that you huffed it the last two times, i was hoping you could save it for once. thank you!
- Hmm, looks like RAHB didn't notice the previous revisions. I've now restored it, haven't had time to read it through though. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia
- Muchas gracias!
UnSignpost: 27th November2008[edit source]
The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes
November 27th • Issue 26 • The newspaper it's tough to swat flies with
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Uncyc shall go to the Ball! To whet the appetite, let's take a look at some of the cream of last year's competition:
Yup, standards are that high, or low, depending on your point of view, sense of humour, religion, shoe size and taste in hats. So jump to it! If you can make the judges laugh even as they vomit up their own entrails, you could be in with a chance of winning the glorious title "Aristocrat en Regalia", as well as the undying jealousy of the other entrants you so satisfyingly routed. Or you might lose. Asked for quotes, organiser RAHB quipped "I'll probably get on it sometime tonight, if not tomorrow", while official judging type Modusoperandi added "my memoires are riddled with mind expanding shit". {{username}} claims millionth victim "It was there, in front of me, an accusation that I was teh gheyz", the hapless victim told us exclusively. "Such hard-hitting slander had to be addressed, and addressed immediately, so I clicked the edit button, and launched into a passionate and vitriolic defence of my unquestionable heterosexuality post-haste!" Ironically, it was the length of this diatribe that finally revealed the subterfuge. "It took me some time to compose a suitable riposte, listing at length my many dalliances with members of the opposite sex, my subscription to Playboy and my utter distaste for the movie Brokeback Mountain - in fact it took so long that I was logged out from my account" said the sap. "So when I hit the preview button to behold my comeback in all its savage majesty, what should catch my eye but the <insert name here> message that betrays {{username}} abuse? I felt so embarrassed, the only logical course of action I could take was to sell my story to a newspaper with a global readership - you did say you'd pay me for this, right?" Shortly after this point, the interview was discontinued due to a disagreement between interviewer and interviewee. Asked for a final quote, we were told "fuck {{username}}, and fuck you too!" - a comment that speaks volumes about the suffering this terrible template is capable of inflicting on the unwary. {{username}} was unavailable for comment, and remains at large, ready to strike again. |
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UnSignpost: 4th December 2008 (yea, we know it's late)[edit source]
The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH
December 4th • Issue 27 • Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth
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Sycamore: How does he do it? An UnSignpost Special Investigation  But who is this masked Celt? Well, since changing identity from MMACKNIGHT in March 2008, he's racked up an impressive 18,000 edits (or he will have by the time this paper is actually delivered - it's hanging at 17.940-odd at the time of typing). Many of these edits have been thanklessly categorising pages, voting for deletion, reverting and ban patrolling - the kind of soul-crushing work, in other words, that would sap the will to live of the average individual, but not our Syc. His efforts have not gone un-noticed. Indeed, he's been re-nommed for Uncuclopedian of the Month, even though he's already won the award. And despite the understandable reluctance of the non-existent cabal to swell their non-existent ranks, there is a small but significant groundswell of opinion gathering that this should be followed by the bestowing of a Banhammer on the cheery Caledonian. All of this is interesting, of course, and handily fills up column inches in this week's issue, but it doesn't answer the burning question: how does he do it?  Warning: Your safety-conscious UnSignpost would like to point out that Irn Bru is only known to have this beneficial effect on Scots. Those from less tartan countries would be advised to steer well clear - don't try this at home, kids! From the Cabal's desk  |
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MrN9001 19:01, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost: 11th December[edit source]
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
December 11th • Issue 28 • The truth, the whole truth, and nothing
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Colin breaks #uncyclopedia
At approximately 7:01 EST, Colin "All your base" Heaney officially fucked everything up yet again. IRC was engaged in what started out as a naturally occurring, all-caps LOL train. However, being the little faggot that he is, Colin decided to join in, effectively making it not funny anymore. This reporter, being an expert witness in cases of dipshittery, quickly came to the conclusion that "Colin makes everything suck." However, Uncyclopedia's resident shitstain did not stop there. He proceeded to incite bizarre and violent urges within members of IRC, causing them to commit unspeakable acts. This reporter, under Colin's influence, killed both of his parents; deadpidgeon and MrN9000 both became homosexuals as a result. Colin himself was then found to have been responsible for every case of unpleasantness throughout history: the Holocaust, 9/11, and abortion. As other users unknowingly joined the channel-turned-warzone, they too fell victim to Colin's faggotry. Users were eventually transforming into furries and fucking each other with "furry Disney dicks" just before this reporter relocated to a safer distance. Needless to say, there is now sufficient evidence that everything stupid and gay and unfunny is, in fact, Colin's fault. Chicks, man. Hot Chicks. Just the words start your heart racing and your mumble mumble. Hot chicks have long failed to receive the ample, under-wire support they deserve here on Uncyc, and if it were not for one, soft-drink based, visionary noob, the femmes fatales of Uncyc would still be a saggy, wrinkly mess. Now all the babes, sexy ladies, foxy chicks, MILFs, and, yes, even magical anime girls, rest in the palm of your hand, throbbing with their new-found intellectual networking - WikiProject Hot Chicks. When asked how the aforementioned n00b came up with such a brilliant idea, he responded: "I don't know what UnSignpost is, my motivation for starting U[N]:WP Hot Chicks was because I thought it was rather humorous, I would like to be adopted, and in Soviet Russia, all your base are belong to YOU !!" (Doctapeppaman was promptly given a stern spanking for such irresponsible use of memes). The project has already succeeded in tagging several sexy talk-pages with the WikiProject Hot Chicks seal, thereby rating them on a random and baseless scale from A- to D-Cup, and the project will most likely be a success, considering the high ratio of users to perverts present on the site. Perhaps, one day, the project will achieve its primary goal - making every article without enough pictures of scantily-clad women into an article about cheesecake. |
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Happy Hanukkah[edit source]
if you're not Jewish, party anyway
Happy Hanukkah from Rabbi Techno
NOW START DRINKING
A FESTIVUS FOR THE RESTOFUS![edit source]
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Happy Festivus, from The Led Balloon and Jerry Stiller. Put up your Festivus Pole, air your grievances, and prepare for the feats of strength, for festivus cannot continue until I am pinned! Oh, and merry Christmas if you're into that sort of thing. |
| It's a Festivus miracle! |
- P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 20:38, Dec 21
During this season...[edit source]
- Yeah Happy/Merry whatever you believe/ride off to get presents from us at the Church of Assholes Who Make Fun of Churches of Assholes. Also something about pickles or bananas. Yeah bananas. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent
14:00, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
Here's Your Christmas Tree[edit source]
----Pleb- Sawblade5 [block me!] ( yell | FAQ | I did this ) 09:39, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
UnSignpost 1st January 2009[edit source]
The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!
January 1st, 2009 • Issue 29 • The first newspaper to wish you a Happy Christmas 2009!
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The UnSignpost starts 2009 as it ended 2008: Late Several readers were probably available for comment, but we didn't ask them anything and blatantly made one up: "it wouldn't be the UnSignpost if it arrived on time", Orian57 might have said, if we'd asked him. The Patronising New Year EditorialTM From this we can infer that Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption didn't have a clue what he was on about - hope is a ridiculous thing, and should be crushed as soon as possible. However, there is still the possibility, however remote, that something good might happen. Active users might start writing more good articles again. VFH might start to flow like it used to. Old users may return, invigorated, to bestow upon us fresh fruits of their imaginations. New users may arrive to take up the baton, and stride boldly forward, blessing us with a wealth of new articles that inject fresh purpose and impetus to the site. Don't look like that - it might happen. Well, monkeys might also fly out of your butt. Depends if teleportation technology ever becomes viable, widely available, and small enough to secure in such a narrow location. Face it, we haven't a clue what this year holds for us yet, folks, all we can do is try and make it the best we can by writing more articles, and helping new users out, and see where we go from there. This is your UnSignpost, patronising the fuck out of you. Happy New Year! Kevin Rudd says Uncyclopedia is the worst |
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MrN9001 00:56, 3 January 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 8th January 09[edit source]
Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.
January 8th, 2009 • Issue 30 • Suckling the Milk of News from the Teat of Truth
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Uncyclopedians on Xbox Live
Recently, The following is an actual transcript between me (under the alias "Pope Gustav") and Orian57 (under the alias "Orian57") on Xbox Live.
This is stunning evidence that Orian57, along with others, is leaving the site for the glamorous life of Xbox Live. When confronted with this transcript and these accusations, Orian replied that "I was just on Uncyclopedia today. I was just bored and wanted something else to do." Oddly enough, all of the other Uncyclopedians that have Xbox Live accounts that I spoke to also claimed to have "lives" outside of Uncyclopedia, lives that mainly consist of playing Halo 3. Article gets +21 votes on VFH
Only a few days after going back to featuring "Today's Featured Article" for only one day, instead of the previous two, the article, The defense rests, your honor received 21 "for" votes and no "against" after a mere 3 days on VFH. The article, nominated on VFH by SysRq, and written by noted admin Modusoperandi, is the first article surpass +20 votes in a long while on VFH. Upon hearing of his accomplishment, Modus is heard to have said, "I'd like to thank all of the little people that I crushed to get where I am," and, "Can I wear my Kernel Popcorn costume?" SysRq, the article nominator is quoted as saying, "I was the one who nommed that article; I deserve some recognition." For those of you are new around here, VFH is the process by which uncyclopedia nominates articles for "Today's Featured Article", the article in the top left corner on the mainpage. All users of uncyclopedia, including anonymous ip users are encouraged to vote on VFH and nominate articles on VFH. VFH can be found here, but typing in VFH in the search box, by clicking the "Votes for Highlight" link under the community links on the right (it's second from the bottom between "Pee Review" and "Votes for Pictures"), and Uncyclopedia:VFH, in addition to several other redirects. Many users have expressed approval of this accomplishment, as the more votes an article gets, the better an article is. Therefore, by voting on an article, one injects more quality into an article, in the same way that manufacturers "inspect" quality back into a finished part. Additionally, the admins will not longer be forced to torture various cute animals to inspire users to vote in VFH: provided VFH doesn't stall out again. |
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UnSignpost 15th January[edit source]
Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.
January 15, 2009 • Issue 31 • Making the New York Times look like Mad Magazine (or is that the other way round?)
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From The Desk of the Cabal: Incest and sex change are now bannable offenses Following the sex change operations of citizen (now citizeness) Yettie, and several suspicious sexual activities in the Uncyclopedia compound, the Cabal hereby decrees the following:
Thank you citizens, this message was not delivered by the Cabal which does not exist. Behave nice, vote on VFH and obey the Cabal. The Cabal is your friend. Or it would be. If it existed. Pee Revuu? UU himself dismissed such fears, pointing out that he's got nothing better to do with his time than arbitrarily judge the quality of other people's opinions anyway, and adding "I'm relieved to be taking up this position as it will drastically reduce the number of reviews I'm expected to do. Also, I'm thinking of introducing a policy of stripping Orian57, and only him, of his RotM award, his rank, his mittens and his right to drink hot chocolate ever again unless he does a bloody review some time soon". However, some users are still not convinced this is a good idea, or even possible. One, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "I seriously doubt that UU can do Boomer's job and his own at the same time. I mean, how can he be accused of being a lazy arse if he has almost twice as many good pee reviews as anyone else and does 75% of the pee review maintenance tasks? This ruins the running pee review committee in-joke about Captain Catheter not doing anything. There is no way this can work." |
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UnSignpost 22 + 7 (+1) January[edit source]
Proudly supporting editorial independence whenever the board say it's okay
January 22 + 7, 2009 • Issue 32 • Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while
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Zionists consolidate wiki power Yeah the st-story is, erm, about Mr Mor-Mordillo’s erm asce-ascent—rise to new power. He was, eh, pr-promoted to erm, Be-Beu- Bureaucrat? Which, erm, me-means he can- can now do- do th-things he cou-couldn’t d-d-do b-before; Kind-kind of like m-my pro-pro-promotion. Heh-heh, th-that was a j-jo-joke. S-some Un-Uncyclope-Uncyclopedians th-think this p-p-proves s-s-s-something abou-about so-some s-sort of J-Je-Jewish, erm, conspiracy. Or-or something, I-I’m n-not really sh-sh-sure why that was meant to be funny. Pro-pro-probably was-was-wasn’t. So-sorry. Th-the decision ca-came about b-b-because of th-the fuh-fuh-forum voting process in-in-initiated b-by Under—Under user wh-who was u-u-upset tha-that Bureaucrat C-C-Codeine had decided to leave. After s-some ti-time voting it-it was d-d-decided that Mordillo w-w-would become a Bureaucrat and that C-C-C-Codeine wasn’t leaving a-a-after all! Which was g-g-good. M-M-Mordillo di-didn’t ma-make a c-c-comment s-so I-I’ve b-been told t-to make one u-up. Erm, “Ha ha ha! N-Now you-you’re all un-under my thumb!” Or something, that that wasn’t really f-funny ei-either. Sorry, M-Mordillo, it-it’s not my W-words! Image:Do a jailbait.jpg Determined to be a Shemale  To the relief of Uncyclopedians everywhere, notorious image "Do a jailbait" has been scientifically proven not be a girl. Originally, many suspected that the disturbing and disturbingly attractive image was that of young girl: age estimates ranging from jail bait age down to "pedo-bear approves" age. However, due to much "research" on the internet regarding the appearance shemales who are just over the age of consent, it has been determined that said image was in fact a young shemale. Researchers said the hairy arms and the huge penis of the lady in question proved without reasonable doubt that the image can not be that of a girl. Many in the Uncyclopedia community were relived by the news. Orian57 in particular who stated the child was “quite sexy.”, on the image talk page, was relieved to find he could no longer be considered bisexual. Some worry about the continuing freedom of Sockpuppet of an unregistered user after his comment: “I don't care. Me wanna rape!” |
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UnSignpost 5th February 2009[edit source]
STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!
February 5, 2009 • Issue 33 • It's Journalism Jim, but not as we know it.
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The ‘of the Year’ run down of the year!
So after a long neurotic month of blatant prostitution, secret e-mail canvassing, bribery and coercion in deciding who should win the various ‘of the Year’ awards (plus a completely normal five days of knowing who did) the results are in! UotY: Mordillo! Nominated (but not voted for) by UU with the reason “[he does] the big bad wolf stuff to keep fuckwits at bay.”. 21 Jew jokes later (“Jew that controls the internet”, “I feel I have to vote for him” and “I love this man. To the point that his girlfriend is seriously distraught by it”) Mordillo was the landslide victor a whole 12 votes ahead of the runner up, UU! And he deserved it too (though to be frank I deserved it more)! Our WotY was Modusoperandi! Narrowly beating Mhaille by 2 votes he was nominated by UU with the reasoning “…Tends to brighten my day whenever I see him, although that could be the light reflecting off his gleaming naked body.” Another 19 Canadian jokes ( “this silly Canadian”, “I never would have thought that casting a vote would be so painful as this” and “Modus is like maple syrup. On the outside he's all golden, sweet and sticky. On the inside however, he's all golden, sweet and sticky”) won him the award! (though to be frank I would have appreciated it more!) Next up was our winner of PotY, Prettiestpretty! She was nominated (but not voted for) by Mhaille because she is the “producer of some very impressive work” and has won the PotM twice! 18 girl jokes later (“such a foregone conclusion”, “She's earned this and then some” and “Unlike most people here, I'm actually going to give a reason for voting for PP. I'm even going to write two sentences explaining the reason.”) she deservedly won the award which she herself designed. (I don’t even know how to use MS paint but I’d still like to have been acknowledged). There was also an impromptu N00b of the Year award created that Rcmurphy ran off with. He was nominated by Spang with the reason “He really deserves it this time” and received 12 N00b jks (“How can you be a year old and still be a noob without being rcmurphy”, “He's still confused too” and “[Hyperbole is] regularly here and dangerously competent. Rc remains the quintessential n00b”). (*grumble* I started lurking in 2007…) Lastly and leastly there was the UGotY which was awarded to Wikia. Nominated by Mhaille with the reason “Wikia continue to raise the bar on defining what it means to be a Useless Gobshite”. He/she/it got 5 jokes that I don’t properly understand (“As much as I'd like to see Yettie take this, Wikia is both more useless and far more of a gobshite”, “it's rare to see such dedication to gobshitery” and “Outstanding contributions to fail.”). (Ok so I’m not bitter about loosing this.) |
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Logo(s)[edit source]
Hey Hindleyite, I hope we have your approval to change the UnBooks (and other) logo(s) in accordance to the present Wikimedia counterparts, there is a forum topic going on about it right now. -Sockpuppet of an unregistered user 15:01, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 12th February 2009[edit source]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
February 12, 2009 • Issue 34 • Mainlining news direct to your talk page artery
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Worrying influx of n00bs a threat to Uncyc's "worst" status
Worse still, many of these new arrivals show early signs of being dangerously competent: writing funny articles; giving in-depth pee reviews; voting on stuff; helping folks out - generally making the kind of contributions that could, if the community is not careful, lead to the site losing its coveted "worst" status. Experienced editors queued up to condemn the invasion - "Very happy to see the influx in good new editors coming in, we've been devoid of that extra boost for far too long it seems" said RAHB, the bile seething from his every pore, while MrN spoke scathingly about "great additions to Uncyc". But is it too late? With competition for the NOTM award at its most fierce for months (4 noms and none of them Rcmurphy at the last count), it looks like it may be too late to reject this transfusion of new blood. Is there any hope for the long-term future of the proud traditions of the wiki under this relentless onslaught of new talent? A comment on Bullshit from MrN
I think that speaks for itself. Got it? So basically, we want more bullshit, some horse shit, and a liberal helping of complete bollocks. But NO CRAP. Unless it's crap which adds to the general stench of the article in question (assuming that stinking is what we want). Got it now? Well, look at it this way... There was a man who had three wives. No, that was Moses. Oh, so Moses comes down from Mount Sinai and says: "Well, lads. I got him down to ten, but adultery is still in." No wait. Sorry, that was complete bollocks. I'm drifting into the realms of pointless excrement, and what does this have to do with anything? Don't tell them that! So what was it I was talking about again? Oh, yea... Does anyone know where I left my slippers? |
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UnSignpost 19th February2009[edit source]
Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth
February 19, 2009 • Issue 35 • Sifting the flour of news into the soufflé of your talk page
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Uncyclopedia shuns ads in favor of product placement  Uncyclopedia admins today announced that there would most definitely never be advertisements placed in the hallowed halls of yon humor wiki. However, it seems in order to rake in the cash that would have resulted from these ads, similar to raking in the flavor from KFC's new Turkey-Flavored ChickenTM, we will instead be treated to subtle product placement in every facet of Uncyclopedia. The driving force behind this decision is undoubtedly greed. The driving force behind the new Ford ExplorerTM is Jack Bauer. Catch 24 this Sunday on FOX! Jack Bauer drives a Ford! When asked for Uncyclopedia's official political stance on the matter, sysop TheLedBalloon said, "You can't fool me Jimmy Carter! I voted for Gerald Ford in the last election and I'm DAMN PROUD OF IT! You can't intimidate me with your 'pretending to be the newspaper reporter but actually being Jimmy Carter in disguise who will then detain me for several months of waterboarding hell' routine--fool me once, shame on you; fool my twice, shame on me...", which only added more fuel to the fire of speculation surrounding this occurence. For the best value fuel, visit Egan's SunocoTM. The mood in the Uncyclopedia break room was sombre today. Several users expressed their concern about not having ads placed on the wiki. "What? No ads? But how will we make money?" asked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user. It seems the secret of product placement has been kept under wraps by the non-existant Cabal. For the best quality cling-wrap, choose Crestfield Wax PaperTM. When asked for the reason behind the secrecy, TheLedBalloon further elaborated on his earlier statement, saying, "FORD WAS RIGHT TO PARDON NIXON, DAMMIT! So take your goddamn liberal hippy goddamn elitist goddamn tax-raisings somewhere else!" Readers are reminded that Williams BrandTM is the preferred brand of hippy elitist tax-raisings by a 2-to-1 margin. Please stay tuned to the UnSignpost for further updates on the ad situation, the product placement situation, and how really, really terrible all of our articles are going to look with trademark tags mucking up the line spacing.
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- Oh goody! For Pete's sake, I reeeeally ought to archive my talkpage. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 22:08, 22 February 2009 (UTC)
UnSignpost 26th February 09[edit source]
You'd be crazy not to listen!
February 26, 2009 • Issue 36 • Picking the poppy seeds of truth from the teeth of the news
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Imperial Coloni(s|z)ation For Glorification of Motherwiki  Imperial Colonization made yet another triumphant return this week, after several months of languishing, inactivity, and Richard Nixon. Upon a general query from an annoying masked UnSignpost writer, another anonymous user stepped up and took control. That anonymous user is SysRq. Forums were created, ideas were exchanged, and the Cajek search party was sent out again. Only the last one was in vain, as an all-new Colonisation page was rolled out last week. Uncyclopedians wasted no time in signing up and nominating their first target: the utter garbage pile that was Al Gore. Previously containing banal tripe such as Manbearpig references, internet invention claims, lockbox bollocks, and other assorted drivel, the article is now, according to an official Colonization spokesman, "well on its way to not sucking." Future Colonisations have been lined up as well, leading this reporter to believe that this time around, Colonization is here to stay, even moreso that Manforman or the Poison Pee template. It looks as if the article on Jews is next on the Colonisation docket, since all articles relating to that topic are "utter bilge, consumed with hateful pointlessness and also secretly controlled by Jews." British Infiltration of Non-Existent Cabal Continues at VFS
The early opping was due to two factors, firstly, an unprecedented landslide, with two candidates polling so many votes that the final round was rendered an irrelevance, and secondly, new 'crat Mordillo being impatient to use his whizzy new powers to op the new admins before Codeine or Mhaille beat him to it. The most votes were polled by MrN9000, and your USP can't think of a more deserving recipient of a shiny new banstick. He's already thrown himself into his new role with gusto, banning, deleting, featuring and the like with gusto, and proudly declaring "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing", thus showing he has as much grasp of the role already as any other admin. The numbers were made up by fellow limey Under user, who has been keen to get started using his whizzy new powers, but has been limited to mainly joke bans so far by MrN's astounding competence and annoying habit of doing all the work. UU was unavailable for comment (which is odd, seeing as he's writing this), but his wife had this to say: "you bastards! Do you have any idea what you've done? I'll be lucky to see him for more than about half an hour a week now!" She wasn't joking. |
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UnSignpost 5th March 09[edit source]
The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!
March 5, 2009 • Issue 37 • The News, Smelted to 93% Purity!
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New parser causes havoc by requiring Uncyclopedians to get things right
 Resident tame Wikia staffer Sannse tried to explain: "bad HTML is the most likely cause of errors. But there are some other changes that might cause errors. For example, the way that some complex parser tags work has changed. The best thing to do is to look for HTML problems first (not forgetting that the errors are often in templates used on the page). Then, if you can't find it, hassle anyone you know who knows HTML and wikimarkup better than you (nah, not going to link some poor guy). Then, if you can't find it, hassle me to find help (Uberfuzzy is on standby to assist where needed). Again I'd suggest that the template author should be the person who knows how to make it work!" Most Uncyclopedians had already gone cross-eyed by this point, but she gamely continued: "Don't forget that you can use Special:ParserDiffTest as a help in finding exactly what's different on a page. A lot of the changes don't mean anything. For example, on this page the only differences are to class and section titles. But this one shows problems with center and div tags (the last two green sections on the div)". Your USP offers the following, less confusing advice: if you open any kind of tag in html like <this>, you have to close it again, like </this> before the end of your page. And if you open more then one tag, be sure to close them in the right order <like><this></this></like>. Then shit should not get fucked up. The gnomes were unavailable for comment. February '... of the Month' Awards Hoedown Well, February is over, and that means it's time to look back at the shortest month of the year and make fun of people who won awards during that month, for they have only won 90.32% as much recognition as those who won the award during a robust 31-day month. Let's get started with...
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