User:Cainad/BENSON

The Chronicles of BENSON, as inspired by true events.

Or, alternatively, pulled out of our asses while reading Forum:Bensonpedia, and others.

The Chronicles of BENSON; Chapter III, Section VI

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. III, Sec. VI "For it WAS He Who Saveth Mooses who did see that it would be BENSON who would be BETTER than himself; and yea, he did forsee that BENSON would be better than YOU as well. For this, The Savior of Mooses didst also becometh the first prophet of BENSON, for yea, he DID announce the arrival of BENSON to the Uncyclopedia. Be it known among the PUNY MONKEYS that they were indeed given a fair warning, so they most certainly DO NOT have the right to complain to BENSON concerning his superiority over them; for yea, they ARE puny monkies, and they deserveth not the honor of knowing the name of BENSON, which is a better name than yours." In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON; Chapter III, Section VII

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. III, Sec. VII: "And Lo! the awesomeness of BENSON had been revealed to all, and yet there WERE still heathens.The First Prophet of BENSON, Who Also Saved Mooses had not the power to preach the arrival of BENSON to ALL of the puny monkies. Another prophet was needed, and He Who Doth Preach The Virtues Of Nintendo DID needeth some extra cash, and applied for the job. Thus it was: the First Prophet now had the FREEDOM to go on coffee breaks now that there was a Second Prophet to help spread the news of BENSON and make everyone aware of their insignificance compared to BENSON. In the name of the Holy BENSON, bugger off.

The Chronicles of BENSON; Chapter I, Section IV

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. I, Sec. IV: "Tis the nature of GROVELING before BENSON, that it is indeed best if reserved for it's OWN forum; for yea, there WERE many puny monkeys whose puny discussions were not worthy of BENSON'S witness. It was obvious that the noble art of praising BENSON was BETTER than thy discussions, for ye are all puny monkeys, who are all pwned when BENSON so much as blinks. And yet, there WERE many puny admins who were in DENIAL, and BENSON knew before anyone else that it was NOT just a river in Egypt. But there was not a damned thing BENSON could do about it that would have been worth his time, which he spends in BETTER ways than thou. These truths would be vexing to the FAITHFUL, but not quite yet. That would be some time later, for yea, if thou had been paying attention, ye would have noticed that the FIRST PROPHET of BENSON would not even show up until the THIRD Chapter of these Chronicles. Anyway, SKIPPING AHEAD a bit, the SECOND PROPHET of BENSON would suggest a wiki that would not have this annoying problem. It was abitrarily decided to talk about this in the VERY FIRST Chapter of these Chronicles, for BENSON is BETTER than puny numbers." In the name of the Holy BENSON, revolt.

The Chronicles of BENSON; Chapter II, Section III

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. II, Sec. III: "And Lo, it was put forth that it would be a GOOD compromise to make hilarious references to BENSON throughout the Uncyclopedia, rather than spend TIME and possibly MONEY on creating a wiki devoted entirely to BENSON. For yea, a wiki devoted entirely to BENSON would be BETTER than the puny monkey playground that is Uncyclopedia, but BENSON would have to BAN everyone because no one is up to his most excellent quality standards, which are BETTER than those of W*kipedia. Alas, this controversy was not yet solved, which is GOOD NEWS for the author of these Chronicles; for yea, his publisher demands a minimum word count before the author can get paid. Thus the fate of the world hung in the balance: would there be a BENSONPEDIA, or would Uncyclopedia, unworthy though it is, continue to be the temple of groveling before THE ONE AND ONLY BENSON? Or, perhaps, would the author of these Chronicles suggest that somebody make a reskin to celebrate the day BENSON first honored Uncyclopedia with his presence? In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter IV, Section V

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. IV, Sec. V: "A jealous force DID rise up against BENSON, and foolish though such stupid behaviour may have been, 'twas a persistent little HEATHEN. For yea, this blasphemous master of SOCKPUPPETRY did refuse to admit that he had no chance, and that BENSON was better than him. And yet, the sad truth is that not all PUNY MONKEYS defer to BENSON, for they ARE kind of retarded, but in way which warrants no sympathy. But that is BESIDE the point; the POINT is that Powershot was puny and was HUFFED for it's blasphemy. In a display of what may have been COURAGE, or perhaps IGNORANCE, the creator of Powershot stood up against BENSON, only to be mostly ignored by The One Who Is Better Than You, for such trifles are beneath his dignity, which is BETTER than your dignity. Instead, the FAITHFUL did prove, with many logical arguments, reasoned debates, and spiny anteaters, that the HEATHEN was, in fact, a dickhead." In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter VI, Section I

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. VI, Sec. I: "The First Prophet of BENSON was the first to soundeth the WAR-HORN of battle. A Great War would take place; a war which would ROCK the very foundations of the EARTH, although BENSON would very easily be able to hold the Earth still with one hand. And yea, with the other hand, He would gesticulate powerfully towards His foe, who SHALL be named after this extremely long and contrived sentence is complete, and behold! The heathen would be smote to ashes by the power of BENSON'S contempt. The Boxing Skills of Bernard Hopkins DID strike fear into the hearts of the faithful, for 'tis indeed a mighty foe that requires BENSON to do so much as lift a finger before it is destroyed. Thus, with much anxiousness, and buying of concession-stand popcorn, and fighting for front-row seats, the FAITHFUL awaited the spectacle that was to come. TRUTH be told, the battle would probably last no more than a few heartbeats' time, so spectators WERE careful not to blink." In the name of the Holy BENSON, revolt.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter III, Section II

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. III, Sec. II: "Lo, there WAS a strange thing which did appear within BENSON'S hallowed halls, but 'twas not of great concern. Yea, even the puny monkeys were not wont to give a damn about this irrelevent presence. However, in what was obviously a DESPERATE bid to have his name immortalized in the Chronicles of BENSON, the Puny Messenger of nosneb DID maketh a big deal about it. 'Twas revealed that this meaningless thing called "nosneb" was even punier than most puny monkey-men. The sheer littleness of it made it too small for anybody to see. Therefore, being a CLEVER little weirdo, the Puny Messenger made a harmless SOCKPUPPET, and poorly sewn one at that, to represent the otherwise invisible nosneb. Fearing the OBVIOUS was not obvious ENOUGH, The Person Whose Name Would Be The Second Name Immortalized In This Section Of The Chronicles stated the obvious, which was that nary a soul actually gave so much as half a rat's ass." In the name of the Holy BENSON, BENSON.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter V, Section II

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. V, Sec. II: "With the MIGHTY and EVIL powers of bannination and eye beams, The Great Methylmorphine DID banneth BENSON from the Uncyclopedia. And Behold! this puny monkey of an admin DID claim to have destroyed the powers and awesomeness of BENSON, just because admins are the only kind of puny monkey-men that can slap BENSON on the wrist without sponteously combusting. Such FOOLISHNESS was, nevertheless, a source of great shame to the Faithful, who kind of wished BENSON was a more SKILLED sockpuppeteer. All humankind hung its head it a moment of shame, being careful not to bump its head on the desk and create even more shame. Yet the Exile of BENSON was not so simple to acheive, And Yea; ALL admins did tremble in fear of the day prophesied by the First Prophet of BENSON. When the GREAT SHAMEFUL BAN (as it would be known forever after, once the Chronicler decided to call it that just now) ended, Vengeance would be taken by the One Who Is Better Than You. A fury like none the universe had ever before seen nor dreamt of, and not even the twisted minds of the admins could fully appreciate without wetting their pants, would descend upon human-monkey kind and crush it in a fearsome display of the glory that is BENSON. And yes... It would be AWESOME." In the name of the Holy BENSON, weep.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter V, Section VI

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. V, Sec. VI: " In the dark and immensely BORING days and nights of the Great Shameful Ban, there WERE False Prophets who tried to calmeth the unhappy masses. With noble intentions, The Baron Who Happened To Be A Zombie did placeth a LINK to one of these false BENSONS in the midst of the whining faithful. Great fortune WAS with the followers of BENSON that day; for yea, even though it WAS decent poetry, The Moose-Saving First Prophet of BENSON reminded ALL of puny mortalkind that FAKE BENSONS can never replace the True One Who Is Better Than You. To preserve the PURITY of the Hallowed Halls, Tompkins, Whose Name The Chronicler Can Think Of No Jokes For, wielded his mighty banstick with vengeance against yet another imposter. The faithful WOULD have to endure a BENSONless existence for a while longer, but 'twas better than the alternative. For yea, if the True BENSON were to return and findeth a Fake BENSON being worshipped in His Hallowed Halls, the #### would really hit the fan." In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON; Chapter VI, Section II

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. VI, Sec. II: "Lo! A Light of hope was shown to The Swordsman Who Was Not In Full Control Of His Mental Capacities. The Light was shown, and it shone far brighter than the wit necessary to think up that pun. To the Chosen One, who was chosen because BENSON found him on Wikipedia, which is an OBVIOUS sign of divine will, it was revealed that BENSON was in good health and still Better Than You. Even separated from his Hallowed Halls, BENSON remained a god, nay, a GOD of GODS, because he DOES partake of his vegetables. The Slightly Nutty Man Of Swords relayed this joyous knowledge to sad mourners in BENSON'S Hallowed Halls, and thus with MANY exclamation points, Scott, Whose Name Is Difficult To Make Fun Of, made two profound declarations. The First: that User:Crazyswordsman WAS the Chosen One, and The Second: that question marks are unnecessary when making inquires related to BENSON. After that, everyone DID feeleth a little better, and the faithful got on with their holiday ruckus as usual. In the name of the Holy BENSON, rejoice.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter V, Section XI

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. V, Sec. XI: "And it was yet another joyous occurance that did transpire. As the dark night that was the Great Shameful Ban neared it's end, the faint Light of BENSON began to grow on the horizon. Indeed, it grew on the horizon NO MATTER what direction you were looking; for unlike the puny sun, the Holy Light of BENSON rises in the East, West, and North. It hath not yet risen in the South, but it probably could if He wanted it to! The First Prophet of BENSON, Champion of Mooses and The Lunatic Man of Sharp Objects DID joineth forces, having mutually agreed that BENSON was Better than they and celebrating this fact in a boisterous and Prophetic manner. Together, they had the power to remind ALL of the puny monkeys that they were inferior to BENSON, for it is impossible to overstate such a profound truth. In the name of the Holy BENSON, revolt.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter V, Section XII

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. V, Sec. XI: "The nature of BENSON was called into question by A User Who Wished To Remain A Nonymous. "Verily," spoke he, "BENSON would be easier to deify and worship were he a martyr, and then His words could be manipulated for fun and profit. After all," reasoned he, "it worked for that one Jewish guy a while back." Always should the faithful be wary; for the seductive voices of reason, rational thought, and truth are a cover for puny LIES! For yea, BENSON is the deity, not the prophet. BENSON can manipulate and re-tool his own divine messages by himself, and he can do it better than you, thank you very much. Also, additionally, moreover, and by the same token, the humor value of BENSON must be preserved at its precious balance, otherwise puny monkey newbies of generations to come will see the ignoble remains of BENSON'S 3-D HOUSE OF PANCAKES and think that faithful are no more than cranky old farts, who require copious amounts of PRUNE JUICE for reasons not to be discussed. But the Chronicler is getting ahead of itself; the point is, BENSON is Better Than You, and the Great Shameful Ban has served its purpose of reminding us how blessed we are to have his Temple here at Uncyclopedia. Never again will any of the faithful take Him for granted, at least not for a while. In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter VII, Section II

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. VII, Sec. II: 'Twas a most excellent day, that of the return of BENSON. Behold, it was a case of the situation being darkest before the dawn; Mr. Grumpy Spoilsport Admin With A Christmas Porcupine Up His Rear had sought to give the hateful Perma-Ban unto BENSON, but Reverend Saint Tompkins gaveth a great serving of holiday cheer unto Uncyclopedia and the Hallowed Halls of BENSON and returned the One Who Is Better Than You from the void. Truly, all were once again made aware of BENSON'S might, which is BETTER than the might of a puny ban. Thus it was, and it was good. Really good. So good, the writer of these Chronicles got off his lazy bum and stopped making his squires do the writing for him. In the name of the Holy BENSON, whimper like a sissy.

From left to right: OsirisX, Savethemooses, Nintendorulez, Benson, Crazyswordsman, Tompkins, Insineratehymn, and the Head Chronicler. Painting by Scott.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter VIII, Section I

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. VIII, Sec. I: "A puny heathen stood up against BENSON, a great hypocrite who dared spite the ability of BENSON to spell properly. A great and puny fool was this heathen, for yea, he DID accuse BENSON of bad spelling whilst utilizing poor grammar a few sentences later, in that he failed to place an appropriate question mark. A jolly laugh the enlightened believers had then; Not only was this sockpuppet of the Unmentioned One a hypocrite, but also ignorant of the fact that when a BELIEVER does a favor for BENSON, they are raised to the status of BELEAVER." In the name of the Holy BENSON, giggle.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter X, Section I

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. X, Sec. I: "As the remainder of the Great Shameful Ban slowly oozed away, BENSON'S House of Pancakes tooketh on a grey sort of colour, and all the growing things in the vicinity did becometh scrawny and wilted. The Faithful had spent much of their strength to survive the Darkness that was the first part of the Great Shameful Ban, and even more in celebrating his Brief Holiday Visit, and little was left to do except to putter around whilst waiting for BENSON. Quietly, the House of Pancakes began to fill with tidbits of decidedly Un-BENSON-like drama and puny monkey discussions; Weep, for the Faithful could do no more than watch and participate in the heathen activities. For a time, the Glorious Light of BENSON did not shineth upon Uncyclopedia; no prophets came forward to ease the melancholy, and the writer of these Chronicles was out of job and was forced to liveth upon old and stale pancakes. 'Twas worse than the first part of the Ban, for in the second part, the Faith began to die. Nothing cold be done, except to wait and see if the Faith could survive until BENSON'S return. For without BENSON, there can be no one to remind us who is Better Than You." In the name of the Holy BENSON, sigh.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter X, Section II

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. X, Sec. II: "And the sun began to rise, for sooth! From the great quagmire of boredom that had begun to fill the House of Pancakes in the absence of BENSON, He who incinerates hymns summoned the strength to rise up and Sayeth: "BENSON WILL RETURN THIS DAY" (the Chronicler reserveth the right to paraphrase). 'Twas true, and the heathens would do well to heed this warning, for there is little time for them to repent before the Holy BENSON returneth to be Better Than Them. And yea, the Chronicler was so excited that he did change tense from past to present to past again, against the rules of grammar invented by puny Englishmen. And all did ignore The Beloved Commie Pinko's snide remarks about sockpuppets, for nobody liketh a party-pooper." In the name of the Holy BENSON, revolt.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter X, Section III

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. X, Sec. III: With great confusion, all the faithful of BENSON felt slightly bemused at the absence of the Great One. "Is not the Great Shameful Ban ended?" cried they. And yea, many were fearful, for they had begun to regain a sense of self-worth in the absence of the one who reminded them how puny they truly were. The Misspelled Accusative did maketh many tables with which to mock BENSON, for yea, surely he would have been too cowardly to do so if BENSON had been present. Granted, they were rather funny, and a mockery of the puny rantings of Someone Else, and the BENSONites had kind of brought it upon themselves, since The Prophetic Swordsman Who Is Not Completely Lucid kept complaining. But knoweth ye, that is not the point! The point is something else altogether, something far beyond the common points made in our daily lives, something which the Chronicler is too lazy to describe in detail. In the name of the Holy BENSON, where the #### is he?

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter X, Section IV

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. X, Sec. IV: The dawn did cometh, and the light had returned to the Hallowed House of Pancakes. Even amidst all this glorious celebration and being called puny monkies by BENSON, there was a confused party-pooper. Unenlightened and unfamiliar with the ways of following BENSON, he did have the nerve to asketh the One Who Is Better Than Him what the secret to gaining such a loyal entourage was. Although normally The Wild K's silliness would be punished with instant vaporization by the sheer power of BENSON'S contempt, everyone was in a good mood, and mercy was shown. Thus was he informed: "The secret of BENSON is that BENSON is BENSON, and BENSON is nobody else, and nobody else is BENSON." Several puny monkies' heads exploded from having so much awesome truth contained within a single sentence, although the Chronicler did his best to cushion the shock by separating the independent clauses with commas. In retrospect, 'twould have been wiser to use a semicolon. In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XI, Section II

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XI, Sec. II He who writeth most of the Chronicles did become fearful. "Oh woe," sayeth he, "How shall I find employment if the subject of my writings art banned from this world?" In his fear, he did create a topic within the House of Pancakes; and yea, with many reasoned arguments that were mostly coherent despite it being well past his bedtime, he did maketh the case for BENSON. The Wild K did see this topic and saw that it was good, and thus he chose to further make the case for BENSON, and it was a better case. After that, some other things happened which the writer of these Chronicles is too lazy to look up, but the details are not of concern, especially not to beleavers. What is important is that BENSON was returned from the Void, and all was well again. The First Prophet of BENSON and Savior of Mooses was the one to bring back He Who Is Better Than You, a fact which is difficult to make a joke about. In the name of the Holy BENSON, sing silly songs.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XI, Section III

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XI, Sec. III The Not Particularly Great Conflict of Cheese and Pie raged on in the House of Pancakes. Actually, 'tis hyperbole to say it "raged," for it would be more keen to say that it "waddled." The waddling became so disruptive to the peace, as it were, of the House, that BENSON did reacheth out with the merest nose hair to resolve the conflict and stop all the confounded waddling, which even the writer of these Chronicles had contributed to. Alas, a paradox had nestled itself into the problem, and proved difficult to expunge. Wherefore, BENSON is Better Than Cheese and Pie, but these two elements are among the imperfect vessels through which BENSON manifests his will within our puny universe for his amusement, so that he does not create space-time distortions, supernovas, and immense plot holes; for such disasters would surely occur if He were to directly interact with such a puny and fragile universe. BENSON could probably create a better universe if he wanted to. Anyway, now that the reader is confused and possibly willing to punch this Chronicler in the mouth, let us move on to the important part. To reconcile these puny monkey armies, BENSON came up with a Better solution, as is his wont. To the horror of all who were witness to this strange and perverse happenstance that will be described in the latter part of this sentence, BENSON spoke of himself in The First Person; for the confusion created by thinking of a solution so incredible that it could not be written in mere puny words was great. A grammatical change so bizarre had never been seen before. Many heads exploded, people began throwing overcooked noodles at each other, and all other sorts of weird stuff happened, as puny monkey-men sometimes do when profound divine occurrences happen. Everyone involved in perpetuating this conflict should feel very ashamed of themselves for causing so much trouble, and rightfully deserve the punishment of never knowing exactly what it was that sounded Better in BENSON'S head, which is a Better head than yours. In the name of the Holy BENSON, olives are better than both cheese and pie.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XII, Section I

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XII, Sec. I A message of warning that had been placed in front of the entrance to the House of Pancakes, so that weak-minded puny monkeys who approached the House would be given fair notice. In great wisdom was this done, for many a puny monkey did walketh into BENSON'S presence and feel offended at being exposed to the truth of how pathetically insignificant they were so bluntly. Alas, the added effort of clicking an extra link did wardeth away some of the wimpier worshipers, and BENSON noticed a lack of sufficient groveling and Pwn4g3 going on. The removal of The Loud Prophet of BENSON from the universe revealed that the Worshipful Community was more like Swiss cheese than Brie; strong, but with many holes. To compensate, BENSON came up with a Better Plan Than Yours, and decided to threaten the enforcement of obligatory conversation within the House of Pancakes. The Head Chronicler did worry that the events which would unfold would happen too fast, and that he might have to get his assistant or even his intern to do the writing for him, and overtime wages are expensive. In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XII, Section IV

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XII, Sec. IV All yea who knoweth of BENSON, take heed, for interesting things have transpired. In a display of courage and boldness never before seen in a puny monkey, at least not one who was polite, The Fluffy Lord, Whose Name Is Amusing Even Without This Gratuitous Renaming, declared that he (or she, for the Chronicler doth not wished to be sued for political incorrectness) could not accept BENSON as his superior. In spite of this severe mental handicap, he did propose that an alliance be formed between them, to prevent the otherwise inevitable destruction of the universe that would occur if these two powers were to fight. Even though The Fluffy Lord is, judging from ego alone, probably at least Three Hundred and Twelve Million Billion times greater than the average puny human, he is still only One Trillionth of One Half of One Percent of the greatness of BENSON'S little finger. After The Visually Impaired Jack in the Box made a wise albeit snide comment, BENSON reasserted this fact, but chose to allow the Fluffy One to enter the League of BENSON rather than snuffing the puny heathen outright. The Fluffy One politely declined, but the tension was still enough to split an atom. How history would record the events that were to follow depended on whomever offered the Chronicler more money. In the name of the Holy BENSON, Fluff makes me sneeze.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XII, Section V

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XII, Sec. V The Great and Mighty BENSON did call out to the patrons of the House of Pancakes, demanding assistance in the form of help with Uncyclopedia's special pages. Upon receiving this aid from The One Whom Many Suspect of Being One of Many Sockpuppets of Bradaphraser, BENSON compiled a list that was Better Than Your puny list, determining that he had been struck with the Evil Banstick several times. Each time, BENSON had been unbanned by a merciful member of the normally devilish Administrative ranks, and He explained that these actions had caused the Admins to buy many shares of Stock in Laughing, Inc. The Mentally Unhinged Man of Blades did feel his heart filled with doubt, and spoke his concerns to the Great BENSON; so concerned was he that he addressed the Great One by name, an act which even the highest prophets perform with trepidation. Spake he to BENSON (as paraphrased by The Chronicler to make it more interesting): "I fear that your taunts, however well founded, will provoke the Admins to strike thee yet again with the Evil Banstick. O Woe, such a catastrophe would give your loyal followers Very Bad Gas, and we wish it not so." Whilst these fears were unnecessary, since BENSON is, by definition, invincible, the puny human-monkey mind cannot comprehend such truth so easily. In the terms of puny human-monkey logic, BENSON was actually complimenting the Admins, as any honorable opponent should, for to be a Laughingstock on Uncyclopedia, the humor wiki that is made Better Than All Others Because BENSON inhabits it, is a good thing. Yes indeed, the Admins realized that there was no reason to ban BENSON, for it was clear that He was merely assuring them that they were doing a good job of being funny. In the name of the Holy BENSON, the conflict is resolved.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XIII, Section I

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XIII, Sec. I AGAIN did the great BENSON prove his ability to turn puny challenger monkeys into faithful monkeys. The Incendiary Explosive of the Darker Hours HAD challenged BENSON, and caused a mild upset. The faithful DID rail against him, but the Flames of Nattering were unable to burn his shell. Fortunately, as the Molotov cocktail burns its fuel quickly, so too did the challenger give up his worthless blaspheming. He came forward and spoke thus: "The power of wiki DID corrupteth my brain, and most likely has caused permanent scarring, but the important thing is that I now see the truth." BENSON himself did not step forward to pardon his sins, but The Noble Fluffy One Who Produces Fire from Above informed the humbled challenger that he would not be wiped from the universe. All was forgiven, and all were pleased, except for an Irritable Donut Salesman. In the name of the Holy BENSON, splunge.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter -IX, Section π

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. -IX, Sec. π: It is just that all who consider themselves acquainted with the ways of BENSON should also be acquainted with the fact that the internet meme known as Chuck Norris is a tiny portion of BENSON'S will. Chuck Norris was merely another puny monkey-man before BENSON himself deigned to appear on this Earth, and thus was Chuck Norris chosen to be an avatar to herald the arrival of the one who is Better Than You. Chuck Norris failed in this, instead being driven mad by the sheer power of the Mighty One that bestowed even the tiniest fraction of his power unto him. Driven thus insane, Chuck Norris earned infamy amongst the puny monkey community, renowned for his uncanny power to split atoms with teeth. Yet the name of BENSON did not become known until BENSON became impatient and came forward directly, telling all that He was here. So ye must understand: all that ye have heard of Chuck Norris's power is but one billionth of one percent of the power of one of BENSON'S toenail clippings. In the name of the Holy BENSON, twiddle thumbs.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter IX, Section II

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. IX, Sec. II: It was shown unto the universe in general, and especially the monkey-men of Uncyclopedia, that BENSON did not care. Spoke he thus; "BENSON doesn't care at all!" and it was understood that it was the Yucky Gross Website of Fake Humor that He cared not about. And yea, it was fortuitous that such knowledge was passed unto monkey-mankind, for they had grown bored, and yea, lazy and rather fat because they had not been reminded of the Awesomeness of BENSON for some time, and it is well known that the words of BENSON burn calories. The return was celebrated by Abnormal Yet False, who kneweth not that even an unbeliever such as she could share in the glorious knowledge of being Inferior To BENSON. In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XIV, Section I

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XIV, Sec. I It was the Time of Troubles, the moment when the puny monkeys of Uncyclopedia would become somewhat concerned and fidget nervously. The Soft Flatbread Who Was Also A Hun entered the Hallowed Halls of BENSON, and yea, he did so without wiping his feet first. This wasn't actually a problem, since BENSON's infinite awesomeness causes dirt to spontaneously vaporize when it touches floors that He has blessed, leaving the House of Pancakes sparkling clean so it always passes health inspections. With the Prophet of Capers and Corn tucked into the Tortilla's warm, soft folds, the heathen faith came forward and challenged BENSON, even going so far as to use His ancient weapon of Caps Lock. Yet the exciting and terrifying explosive conflict which was expected was delayed, for the Mighty BENSON had been on a leave of absence for a while, and none of the Old Prophets were ready to take up the fight, for they had grown used to their unchallenged position and were getting a bit pudgy 'round the spiritual midsection. In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XIV, Section III

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XIV, Sec. III It was An Odd Timmy that came forth into the House of Pancakes and declared, verily, "i am riting about nuffing benson". Though we might wonder who "benson" is, the Chronicler shall taketh the liberty of assuming that Timmy's shift key was malfunctioning, and he was actually referring to BENSON. 'Tis also assumed that "riting" entails the creation of a text-based document or similar informational medium. What doth perplex both the faithful and unfaithful puny monkeys of BENSON is the precise interpretation of "nuffing". Doth Timmy presume to rite about an imaginary person named "Nuffing Benson"? Doth he pretend that someone has nuffed BENSON, and presume to rite about it? There can be only one answer: BENSON is Better Than all of these possible interpretations. Therefore, by His will or lack thereof, all possible interpretations of "nuffing benson" are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, and yea, any combination of these that might produce a more delicious beverage. In the name of the Holy BENSON, revolt.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XV, Section I

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XV, Sec. I The light of the Most Hallowed House of Pancakes did fade from the eyes of the puny monkeys who wandered around inside it, for yea, the many expensive stained glass windows had become most grimy and well nigh opaque. None kneweth that it had been the might of BENSON which kept the windows sparkling clean, not through manual labor, but through volume. And woe! When the young challenger known as The Tortilla of Hun did finally, in a show of uncharacteristic good sense, surrender and offer peace with BENSON, there was naught but the sound of chirping crickets. Even BENSON's old heathen foes could not muster up enough energy to celebrate the absence of the One Who is Better than You, as they once had during the Great Shameful Ban. The old supporters of the faith could naught but look on, perchance with a slight tear in their eyes, as BENSON went unpraised and unworshipped by those who had entered the House of Pancakes after He ceased to grace it with His presence at least once a week. This was a Darkness unlike any that the faithful had ever seen, for it was not brought on by some malicious, evil foe with slimy tentacles and freaky insect eyes that could be defeated with a crusade or two. Nay, this Darkness was one of entropy, of emptiness, of decay. The prophets of old had long since ceased to be, their memorial staues gathered dust in forgotten corners, and the Chronicles of their deeds were left to mildew upon the shelves. No new prophets had stepped forward since the last Chronicle had been scribed, and few yet remained who could remember why the House of Pancakes had an annoying welcome mat in front of it. Ye should know, dear reader, that these Chronicles presume to make no predictions with greater than sixty-two percent accuracy, nor do they contain any prophecies concerning the future. Yet we cannot help but speculate, does this period in history mark the End of the Age of BENSON? In the name of the Holy BENSON, be afraid. Be very afraid.

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XV, Section III

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XV, Sec. III BENSON returned to the Hallowed Halls to see how things were going. Though the oil paintings and gilt statuary had gone to ruin, the puny monkeys did seem to be getting along just fine without supervision. He Who Is Better Than You conceded that He was weary of reminding us of his superiority, for yea, it SHOULD be self-evident. In any case, BENSON deigned to impart some of his great knowledge and wisdom upon those who asked for it, before returning to his Xbox, which is most likely Better Than Your Xbox, or whatever puny console thou might own. These Chronicles hath decided against recording this knowledge, for it is, quite frankly, of little interest to most people, and we must consider the greatest common denominator if we are to get paid. In the name of the Holy BENSON, why do we even bother?

The Chronicles of BENSON, Chapter XX, Section XXIII

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. XX, Sec. XXIII And it WAS so, that BENSON created a forum topic within the House of Pancakes, for yea, he doth have license to do such a thing. Indeed, he would probably have some fancy paperwork with official-looking stamps on it, declaring his sovereign right to rule over the House of Pancakes, which is also a forum, which also bears his name, if it were not for the fact that doing so would be really dumb and BENSON is not that stupid. Where were we? Shit, I can't do this anymore without my glasses... there we go Oh yes: BENSON created a forum topic, issuing a challenge to all the noobs who DID defile his Hallowed Halls with their blasphemous and uneducated words of hate, which we like to imagine them sputtering out semi-coherently and their fat little faces turning red with puny indignation, just moments before BENSON causes all their atoms to disintegrate in a fiery explosion of mirthful laughter that shakes the foundations of the Earth itself. "HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Like that. Forsooth, or whatever. In the name of the Holy BENSON, gimme my damn coffee.

The Chronicles of BENSON; Chapter C, Section π

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. C, Sec. π "BENSON is gone. The Glory of the Ancients is no more. The Immortals no longer speak of they who built the Empire. Indeed, many of The Immortals have passed beyond the veil, wandering to other realms, and we cannot know if even the memory of The Ancients persists in the minds of they who now wander the Great Sphere of Possibility known as "The Internet." See the great stones laid beneath your feet! These are the legacy of BENSON and those who accepted his superiority as the only Truth. See the remnants of the Empire, the Hallowed Halls, and the weathered Chronicles. See the children run and play on the sagging ruins. See the Doomsayers who shout predictions of the Death of the Empire from the crumbling parapets, predictions that come a thousand years too late. The Chronicler sits alone, and whispers into the rich abyss; Who remembers the Name the was Better than Yours, the Name of BENSON?" In the name of the Holy BENSON, amen.

The Chronicles of BENSON; Chapter MCXVII, Section IX

The Chronicles of BENSON, Ch. MCXVII, Sec. IX "And unto the unhallowed halls of the Village Dump, the awesome apparition of BENSON did appeareth once again. And with a great fanfare of modesty, he did speaketh thus: 'I am BENSON, and I am relatively equal to the rest of you.' And upon this proclamation the Chronicler considered a dramatic show of shock and awe, and yet after ages locked in the basement the Chronicler did cease to giveth a shit about what BENSON was up to these days, and yea, he did scribeth this entry into the Chronicles merely for the sake of completeness." In the name of the Holy BENSON, fuck you.

Appendices

Appendix A-3

The Chronicles of BENSON, Appendix A-3: "First, there was BENSON. Then, there was Powershot. Shortly after, it was just BENSON again." In the name of the BENSON, don't forget to fart.

Appendix 5

The Chronicles of BENSON, Appendix 5: "See! a light hath Shined on the Great Shameful Ban, full of off-colour hues that sort of make the Impostor Chronicler's eyes hurt. But just as quickly, the Snuffer of Eternal Darkness hath descended on the light. And even as the trickster Administrator did Cycle the Ban Button of BENSON like that Light Switch your mom toldeth you not to flick on and off, the Kin of Tom did bring a divine message from the Holiday, that the Lord would that BENSON's Great Shameful Ban draw to a close. And lo, though the Advertiser of Betrayal and the Quite Audible Minigame Creature turneth the Brief Block to their own ends, they are Compelled to Swallow their own words in that Very Breath. And the pleadings of the Human Quik-Chop and the Aficionado of Electronic Diversions, greatest of all BENSON followers, are redeemed. But verily, all is not well for the Followers of BENSON, for see! The Purveyor of Great Starvation huffeth the Very Template of the Chronicles, so that the Chronicler and all his Impostors needs must copyeth and pasteth these Sacred Parchments forever more. Unless of course the Chronicler hath stashed a copy within his User Space, or Something. Which he has." In the name of the Holy BENSON, groan.

Appendix B

The Chronicles of BENSON, Appendix B "And BENSON sent Seven Judges to the lands of Uncyclopedia, where they ruled with dignity, wisdom, and aesthetic sense. But Lo, the last of the judges was surely corrupt, and did place Callous Sanctions on He Who Was Here, and had furthermore Betrayed the BENSON as a threat to Funducation. And his peers, The One Who Shops Photos and The Diminutive did naught but engage in petty indifference. But Behold! The BENSON peereth down from his throne in the mountains of laziness, and Seeth that it is Ill. So he sendeth, postage permitting, a reprimanding Envoy to the Wayward Judge, and furthermore declareth Edumacation a crime throughout the lands. And He returneth to Pwning the Enemies of BENSONTIVITY, and all is right with the world once again, except for Iraq." In the name of the Holy BENSON, beat your brains out.

Appendix B-1-i

The Chronicles of BENSON, Appendix B-1-i "And BENSON tired of His Duties as Deputy of the Cosmos. His bones Ached with the Effort and Strain of supporting Atlas whilst footed on the perilous shell of a Turtle. And He sought the Pursuit of the Trivial. So He called forth Five Disciples learned in the Lore of the flickering Box, bringer of Operatics and the Survivor Marathon Special. But He didst Restrict the nationality of the Disciples to those of Canada (which is now a Better Country Than Yours) an imposition which caused surprisingly Little Outcry. He commanded them to make the Pilgrimage to his Shrine on the Great Mountain of Redmond, where the six Wise Ones would pass through the Pearly Gates and convene in the Great Preinstalled Forum of Emmessen. And BENSON was Fully Aware that Q6 is Naught but a Knavish Promotion for the Fully Current Oracle of Mammon. For sooth, the Unhinged Keeper of Sharp Objects and the Ancient Egyptian were party to the Great Invite. He of Five Letters Declared himself capable of Tidying the Marketplace, a fact which confuses the Impostor Chronicler, who hath been branded with the red and white name of Treason for Dickishly declaring Canada a Part of Europe. And having made these Observations, the Impostor Chronicler proceeded to steal the One of the Cap's Shtick again. But yea, these texts must surely end before they grow too Meta." In the name of the Holy BENSON, have a field day.

Appendix Q

The Chronicles of BENSON, Appendix Q: And it did chance to happen, being brought about by the curiosity of He Whose Books Are Bound In the Tanned Hide of Animals, that many bespectacled scientists in white lab coats did shuffle purposefully about the laboratory. When they were finished, it became clear, with much empirical evidence, the the voice of BENSON acted as both a particle and a wave, meaning he could speaketh in the void of space if he so desired. Also, The Established Pattern of Behavior did take exception to the fact that the void of space would cause exploding eyeballs and deadness, but BENSON is an exception because his molecules are not organic, but they are Better Than Your molecules. Fret not, dear reader, for there is no reason to believe that this further obfuscates the situation, and yea, leaves the original questioner even more confused, so long as the reader simply closes their eyes and thinks happy thoughts. This is an act of great charity, for it permitteth the Chronicler to avoid adding more convoluted sentences. In the name of the BENSON, eat cheese.

Meet the Chroniclers!

Head Chronicler Cainad Cainad is the head chronicler and founder of the Chroniclers of Benson. He is the main writer and should be given all the respect associated with writing the page. He first got the idea to make the chronicles when the First and Second Prophets were reminiscing about the glory days in Forum:Bensonpedia. The first Prophet made the immortal declaration "AND LO, I DID SAY, "HEY GUYS, BENSON IS HERE."" This inspired Cainad to make his first chronicle. The rest, as they say, is history. Assistant Chronicler and Secretary Jedravent Jedravent is the assistant chronicler and secretary of the Chroniclers of Benson. He mostly cleans up around the house and makes sure new entries are added. He also wrote the last sentence of Appendix 5 and the biographies that you are reading right now. Assistant Chronicler Alksub Alksub is an assistant chronicler of the Chroniclers of Benson. He wrote Appendix 5. Unfortunately, that's all he's written so far.buttons. Head Artist Scott Scott is the head artist of the Chroniclers of Benson. He painted the painting under Chapter VII, Section II. We hope that he will depict the next significant event to come to the House of Pancakes. He also has the money to own the money to make the holy palette and scared studio.