User talk : Lockdandload

The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!

March 31st, 2011 • Issue 114 • Journalism sighted ahead!

Farewell

By Chief

Everything that has a beginning has an end, with the possible exception of the autobiography of Wayne Rooney; our literary correspondent was unable to complete it after an unfortunate fire rendered the text unreadable.

The sun is now setting on the time of the temporary admins. For the last month, they have all been mucking in with the rest of the administrators and eating other people's biscuits at the weekly cabal meetings and now it is time for them to go. On Friday the bureaucrats will arrive and the mythical user rights log will appear on recent changes for the gratification of the eagle-eyed Uncyclopedian.

So how did they do? Sources close to the temporary admins have chosen to move further away because of the smell, so we haven't been able to ask them anything. The occupational hazard of needing to know things has never stopped the relentless march of journalism before, however, and today shall be no exception.

Hyperbole, the eternally wronged victim of Uncyclopedia, has been deleting and banning consistently over the last month and has generally been annoyingly useful. Reportedly he has been "asking questions" when he doesn't know something; clearly he is not sysop material.

Lyrithya has been the most visible temporary admin, and her screams at the last Cabal meeting as she was punished for deleting VFD were described as "Most invigorating" by Mhaille, who, due to the nature of that quote, has expressed a wish to remain anonymous. Curiously, despite her undiscriminating use of the delete button, Lyrithya seems inordinately keen not to ban users for long periods of time, citing "Feeling sorry for them" as her reason. Clearly she is not sysop material.

ChiefjusticeDS is a very delusional man.

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user has been a useful admin and, intelligently, has not drawn attention to himself; an ideal candidate for the mantle of sysop. He is, however, from Belgium; make of that what you will.

PuppyOnTheRadio doesn't know what a sysop is, but thinks that it would be a splendid way to spend an afternoon, so he has. He has been the least active of the temporary admins and thus is the most obvious candidate for induction to the order. He is Australian, by the way, from Australia. Ask him about his pet Kangaroo, he must have one, he is an Australian from Australia.

Olipro was good enough to give his thoughts to the UnSignpost, saying, "And thus, our great experiment in finding out what happens if you rig yourself to a bomb and give the detonator to a pack of monkeys is over." See you next week, hopefully April Fools Day will happen before then and it will be brilliant, because if there is one thing Uncyclopedia is not short of, it is fools.... and days for them to be fools on.

Competition Season

By Chief

There is something in the air at Uncyclopedia - it's the smell of competition... and cheese. This is the news that over the next month there will be several competitions to encourage creativity and general brilliance from the community. The first of these is the second round of the hourly writing competition, the first round of which ran a couple of weeks ago. Entrants have an hour to write an article and then a further hour is given over to voting to delete or keep those articles. The last round ran very well, with the majority of the articles entered being kept as a result. If you want to take part in the second round then you only need to sign up here... and then turn up on Saturday.

The other competition is Zombiebaron's Imagery Extravaganza, a brand new competition surprisingly being run by Zombiebaron. It is very similar to the PLS and will hopefully encourage the creation of plenty of high quality images, which we can then delete and forget about.

So if you aren't planning on creating a single new article/image in the next few weeks and throwing it onto the great bonfire of creativity which, as we all know, is burning at the core of Uncyclopedia, then you should definitely think about it. Probably. Unless you don't want to, which is cool, I guess.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

17:01, March 28, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.62.38.243 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (AHA! I LOVE BANS *click* ooooh yeah, that's the good stuff right there)
13:47, March 25, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Nickyg94 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (please enjoy our complimentary fuck the hell off)
05:15, March 25, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 99.190.107.19 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (If you love the Powerpuff Girls so much, why don't you marry them?)
05:24, March 25, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.87.254.115 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (If I was a real admin, I'd have some sort of witty block reason to back this up. So sorry.)
00:49, March 27, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Springeragh nailed K. Lastochka's hands to the table and her feet to the ground, then Sceptre stripped her of her clothes and proceeded to rape her violently. (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (I'm kind of impressed you came back. See you next year!)
00:06, March 24, 2011 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (The cabal wishes it: Wikicide. I shall rise again on the third day. Suck it, Jesus!)

Biopic of the Week

Oliphaunte's arrival on Uncyclopedia has made several people very happy: Black flamingo11, because he can finally have the child he always wanted without any of that horrible fumbling about. ChiefjusticeDS is happy because he has someone to biopic this week, and everyone at PEEING is thrilled because there is finally some competition for the Reviewer of the Month trophy. However Oliphaunte has shunned the offering of awards and has focused solely on trying to help through his reviews, and amuse through his writings; truly a splendid fellow.

The non-existent Cabal, however, has expressed some non-existent concern at his disregard for the shiny baubles dangled before him; refusing awards on Uncyclopedia is like refusing a bagel in Israel. Highly suspicious behaviour. One for all ~~Mossad agents~~ users to ~~shoot on sight~~ say hello to if they see him.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)

Just so you know

Naruto is still made of fail.

Reason to leave Uncyclopedia #1,234,546

Olipro.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 02:15, 31 March 2011

blocked[edit source]

You have been blocked from editing for a period of 3 hours in accordance with Wikipedia's blocking policy for persistent vandalism. Such behaviour is not tolerated on Wikipedia - when you return from your block, you are encouraged to take a fresh attitude to the encyclopedia and make constructive contributions. If you require assistance in editing Wikipedia, you may be interested in this useful resource. Once again, vandalism is not welcome and will not be permitted.

Kind regards,
Anthøny, 18:33, April 2, 2011

Drunk on wiki, got what I deserved.Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 18:39, April 2, 2011 (UTC)

Terribly creative UnSignpost header[edit source]

Now Delivered Trendily Late!

April 7th, 2011 • Issue 115 • What news of the Uncyclopedia Holmes?

April Fool

By Chief

As you would expect, April Fools day is a very important day for Uncyclopedia; since we have devoted so much time to being fools, we are expected to be able to come up with something suitably hilarious for April 1st. However as the evening of March 31st drew to a close and all of you were relaxing in your homes/shelters/kennels and chuckling at the last issue of this splendid periodical, frantic discussions were taking place over the use of the Conservapedia skin that had been created specially for the occasion.

Several users found the idea of using the Conservapedia skin to be highly unoriginal, so in the spirit of democracy it was cast to one side and three people decided to apply Wikia's wonderful Monaco skin to the entire wiki. This was an unforgivable abuse of power and position; if you would like to register a protest against such action then please drop into Uncyclopedia HQ where a customer service representative will be able to help you.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Monaco skin and had lives to lead on April 1st, we dispatched one of our roving reporters to deep behind enemy lines to soak in the atmosphere. He returned and informed us that spending a long time looking at the Wikia skin can cause pre-mature ageing, rectal bleeding and sudden blindness, in that order, if you are one of the lucky ones.*

The impact of the skin on Uncyclopedia was sudden and varied massively. Some people got angry, some turned off javascript to escape the pain and some laughed at the people doing the above. The UnSignpost was able to visit Olipro, the mastermind behind the reskin, and find out what he thought its impact had been. "It was a raging success," he enthused from behind the safety glass, "and by "raging" I mean people were going fucking mental." After the interview, we departed Dexter111344's Home for People Who Be Trolling, leaving Olipro sniggering at YouTube videos and receiving occasional electric shocks. We are told this is an essential part of his treatment.

The reskin divided the community into those who could turn the reskin off, those who couldn't and those who were just so angry that all they could do is create forums about the consequences for Uncyclopedia and the world in general.

The reskin was removed shortly after midnight on April the 2nd, apparently because of AIDS. Happy April fools day; perhaps next year we could just leave the Main Page as it is and then discuss how disgusting it is that we haven't done anything for April fools day.

*We worked this out with Science. You don't need to know how.

I hate you and your competition

By Chief

As part of our commitment to being the worst at absolutely everything, we here at Uncyclopedia have taken a new and interesting course in article writing - a new trend of "hate articles". After the huge success of Fuck ChiefjusticeDS, several other writers have been eager to jump on the bandwagon of its success, with ~~classics~~ articles like Fuck Lyrithya (recently deleted) and Fuck Under user making increasingly prominent appearances literally everywhere. We were fortunate to sit down with Mordillo several months ago when he commented on this worrying trend, and he said, "This is a very worrying trend," among other things. We assume his feelings haven't changed, at least we hope not... One thing is certain, and that is that originality is at its lowest levels since records began, shortly after the creation of Euroipods way back in 2005. Beyond that, the only thing we can be certain of is that you should be very very worried.

Speaking of originality, a whole host of new competitions seem to be hitting the village dump and the Cabal has expressed some concern as to this trend. It reminds all citizens to abide, and to consider that competitions are like Rats, quite cool when they turn up alone or a couple of times a year, but they will strip the flesh from the bone when hundreds turn up at once. The Cabal would also like to invite you to a seminar next Wednesday as part of the ongoing "Obeying the Cabal" series; this week we are focusing on obeying despite the loss of your parents, siblings and pet hamster.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

20:31, April 4, 2011 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 66.176.139.239 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Blanking is uncreative, feeble minded, and scientifically proven to be indicative of underdeveloped genitalia.)
14:17, April 5, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 142.227.227.129 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (LOLWANKER)
08:02, April 4, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked ZachaaayVomitsRainbows (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (WINNING!!!!)
08:13, April 4, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 180.95.18.20 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (I'm sorry I can't hear you over your crippling stupidity
10:09, April 4, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked YOUSUCKinator9001 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (did I mention about your mother? no?)
n12:27, April 5, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 62.255.240.25 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎(each time you come back, you just prove yourself to be a bigger numpty. I wait with bated breath to see how much of a numpty you'll be in 3 months...)

Biopic of the Week

Our biopic this week focusses on someone who has recently proved that you can go away, raise a barn/have a family/learn to fly/scuba dive in space, and still not lose your Uncyclopedian mojo. JackOfSpades is this persona, and after spending some time away doing something from the above list, has burst back onto Uncyclopedia and has gotten straight down to it. He's a splendid fellow, and should you sample his Pee, you will not be disappointed. I know I wasn't. Finally, some of you have been complaining that the weekly biopic consists of nothing but cheap innuendo and swearing, all we can say is oh no it isn't, you shitting wanker.

Anyway, JackOfSpades, he rocks, you suck (probably); live with it.

Word of the week, provided by: Anonymous Zombie

Definition:

(Noun) A person who is or appears lifeless, apathetic, or completely unresponsive to their surroundings. "Get off Uncyclopedia, Trevor, it's turning you into a Zombie."

OR (less commonly)

(Synonym) Administrator: "Get off Uncyclopedia. Trevor, it's turning you into an Administrator."

Newsroom UnTune of the week

ZOMBIES!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 04:25, 7 April 2011

"made me laugh so hard my roomy's ran in to see if I'd finally gone mad!"[edit source]

Glad you liked Grueslayer, but it could be greatly improved. You could be a part of the team if you wish. I'll probably be looking through the game tomorrow and possibly Saturday, cherry-picking ideas and things to keep. Could you elaborate on what you thought was funny? --Trar (talk|contribs|grueslayer) 15:09, April 7, 2011 (UTC)

I'd love to help you out :) but unfortunately I'm right in the middle of my exam third term exam thingy's... Only seconds ago I managed to fail yet another class... :) So I'll be behind my books for the next 4 days, but... Should I need some distraction I'll be sure to check out grueslayer some more :D. What do you want me to look at, Should I list the pieces I love the most, and which ones I don't? Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 15:51, April 7, 2011 (UTC)

Both! Feedback will be invaluable. --Trar (talk|contribs|grueslayer)

19:00, April 7, 2011 (UTC)

The UnSignpost: On-time and on top of things... as always.[edit source]

All your readers are belong to us

April 14th, 2011 • Issue 116 • These are not the enraged monkeys you're looking for.

Sysops, sysops, and more sysops

By Athyria

It has been over a year since the last VFS, over a year since the last batch of sysops were elected in the tyrannical drama-fest that lies at the heart of the Uncyclopedia powerbase, and now, amidst rampant vote-whoring and election campaigns running wild across the wiki, the voting is once more in full swing.

In proper UnSignpost fashion, however, and as part of our continued attempts to avoid overusing self-referential humour and to instead report on something that people may not have already noticed, we have sent reporters into the heart of the storm to investigate these most momentous ongoings. In all of the two minutes it took to skim the scores, it was revealed that people so far seem to really favour Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who already have scores of over twenty each, although they both clearly suck. Voting, however, has only been going on for all of a day, following a nomination period that likewise went on for all of a day and yet still somehow managed to result in the entire active userbase being nominated, as well as part of the inactive userbase, a couple of people only active on the IRC channel who in fact didn't even have accounts on the wiki itself until they made some for the occasion, two users who are already admins and one of whom is also a bureaucrat, and a bot... of an admin. This told us two things: Uncyclopedia standards are evidently still at an all-time low, and that our reporters needed to get out of there as soon as possible and adjourn for lunch, and not just because it was meatballs.

Of all of the candidates, however, the UnSignpost strongly backs Fnoodle, and encourages its readership to drop their previous considerations/votes and instead support this astoundingly trustworthy, reliable, useful, and friendly user, about whom there is nothing suspicious at all, to become the next new sysop.

Awards and contests everyone forgot about

By Someone else

As with all months, the usual awards have all already been forgotten about in lieu of more interesting things. So far, they look terribly riveting, with Matt lobster the only real contender for both Uncyclopedian of the Month and Writer of the Month, as well as Lockdandload taking the lead in the Noob of the Month voting, although he's probably just Matt lobster in disguise, now that we think about it. As such, we attempted to sit down with this intriguing user for an interview, but as he never showed up (possibly because we neglected to tell him), he didn't have terribly much to say about the matter.

Meantime, all the other awards, including ANotM, PWotM, FP, EGA, PotM, AotM, UGotM, and NOM NOM NOMotm, are all looking kind of neglected. RotM isn't, however. Go support that one guy along with everyone else, if you can be bothered.

Zombiebaron's Imagery Extra Va Gan Za is almost over; if you haven't submitted any beautiful paintings... er, that is, passable images yet, you only have a day, so hurry. Less than a day, really. But it can't be that hard, though, can it?

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

Olipro blocked 117.211.91.202 with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (protip: replacing a paragraph with "fuck" isn't a good idea)
Jack Phoenix blocked Rangersseals with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (You have been nuked. With ♥, every single American out there)
Zombiebaron blocked Black Person with an expiry time of 5 weeks ‎ (I'm not banning you because you're black, but because you felt the need to replace a page in order to convey that message to the world.)
Olipro blocked 194.81.160.18 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (fucks like you who think fish and chips is "proper food" need to be shot)
Dr. Skullthumper blocked Optimuschris with an expiry time of a shitty browser ‎ (Every time you use IE, a web developer dies)
Dr. Skullthumper blocked Frosty with an expiry time of a real browser ‎ (Using IE)

Biopic of the Week

If there is one thing the UnSignpost cannot function without, one thing that is important to each and every edition that goes out to the readers, one element that enables the UnSignpost to be the UnSignpost, it is not the people, not the writers, the editors, the proofreaders, the formatters, the photographers, the deliverers, or even the readers. It is not the hypertext of which it is formed, either, or the other people's talkpages to which it is delivered and then read by shifty lurkers, or the mediawiki in which it is created. It is the filler material of which it is comprised. The UnSignpost would be nothing without filler material.

And if you intend to point out that we already biopicked this or some such, don't bother. The Complaints Department is currently on vacation, hence why this opportunity was taken to not even check first before writing up this week's biopic.

Reason #243 why squirrels are the best things ever: IDDQD works against them.

Random page:

Ian Botham

Is it any good? You tell us! Send in your reviews today, and save us the effort of writing something ourselves!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 04:01, 14 April 2011

That UnSignposty thing[edit source]

Stuff is happening with Encyclopaedia Dramatica. Uncyclopedia is still the worst.

May contain traces of humor!

April 21st, 2011 • Issue 117 • Please don't immerse this periodical in water.

VFS update

By Chief

As is customary when a VFS is running, the UnSignpost has chosen to shun the various non-events that have punctuated the week and is instead filling the space by updating you with information that is freely available to absolutely everyone elsewhere. Remember: we click links and read words so you don't have to.

At the time of going to press, VFS has not yet lurched into its 4th and final phase, so we have called in experts to predict which ~~horses~~ users will make it into the final furlong of this, the ultimate race to lifelong servitude and misery. Earlier this week, our correspondent sat down with RabbiTechno and a gentleman named Fred, who assures us he is not in fact Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (these are our experts, in case you weren't sure). In lieu of doing any real work, we have reproduced the interview here:

RT: Good day

Fred: Where am I?? Get this sack off my head!

USP: Fred, don't struggle; struggling just makes the poison spread faster. Now Rabbi, who do you think will make it through to the final round of VFS?

Fred: Socky for admin! Argh the pain!

RT: Well I must say all the chaps and fellows competing are absolutely splendid. I have watched with baited breath as they have competed in the spirit of manly competition, the girding of the loins and the splendid grunts to show us all they are trying. Despite that, two prime specimens appear to be distancing themselves from the pack. This Sockpuppet fellow certainly plays with a straight bat and it wouldn't surprise me if he hits it for 6.

Fred: Woo!

USP:Rabbi, do you mean you think he will make it into the next round?

RT: Oh yes, that said, the burly fellow following him, this Lyrithya lad, certainly seems to have the spunk to go all the way.

USP: Lyrithya is supposedly a female, Rabbi.

RT: Nonsense! How could a woman carry out all the manly tasks necessary? She'll be pruning her eye brows and trimming her nose hairs the whole time.

Fred: Nonsense, I think she will be a splendid- What??

RT: Women have to prune and trim or they wilt and die! You've seen sheep eating grass, women are like that except they use these little tubes of pink stuff. Sheep are also noticeably less woolly. Now answer me this! Where will she hang her breasts at night if we appoint her??

USP: Quite true.

Fred: Is everyone here mad? Have either of you ever met a woman??

USP: No, I've seen them on the internet though!

RT: My mother was a woman... we were introduced when I was 7. Does that count?

USP: Fred, what about the other nominees, do any of them deserve it more than the two leaders?

Fred: None of them are sandwiches and that is what this site and society in general sorely need.

USP: Rabbi?

RT: All splendid masculine fellows, except perhaps Magic man, regrettably they lack the range of this Sockpuppet fellow and this... woman. My conclusion must be that only Sockpuppet and Lyrithya will proceed to the next round.

Fred: Sandwiches.

USP: Thank you both of you, you can go home now. We'll unlock the shackles in a moment.

So there you have it; our editor seems happy that there is a meaningful conclusion in there somewhere, though good luck finding it. Be sure to look for updates to VFS here and nowhere else next week.

Editors note: While you are all aware that this is hilarious, we must stress that the opinions above are either based very loosely on what those users have said or have been completely made up in the name of hilarity. It's true. Socky's name isn't Fred at all.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

17:09, April 18, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.90.95.41 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (uh huh, you sure "hacked" that page alright)
14:57, April 16, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Ed Refugee 2: Electric Boogaloo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Sockpuppet/having a username that offends my Christian sensibilities)
09:00, April 15, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 149.144.196.243 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (faggot faggot faggot faggot FAGGOT. SAYING IT MORE MAKES ME MUCH COOLER THAN ALL MY OTHER FAGGOT FRIENDS.)
19:25, April 13, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 207.63.250.3 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (you're so vain you probably think this ban is about you. oh wait, it is!)
14:56, April 15, 2011 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked 123.176.14.40 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Nothing here, either - merely a space where there was once an idiot)
04:35, April 14, 2011 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.8.106.90 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Take that, the Netherlands!)

Biopic of the Week

It seemed incredible that we hadn't delved into the psyche of Frosty before, and now that we have, we must face the gaping black hole of choices for biopics again next week (honestly, we did a biopic on a chair a few weeks ago, it's that bad). Anyway, Frosty, well I've spoken to him and looked at his userpage, and wishing no offence to him, he's a bit nuts. He's so mad about maintenance he has a little book where he records each vandal added to Ban Patrol along with details of the offence and other priceless information. If he's not doing that he is on his talk page being generally tenacious and refusing to be put off by the voices of doom that surround him; he just won't quit! He's everywhere I go; I went to vote on VFD the other day and he was there, arguing that an article needn't be deleted: sacrilege! I went to VFH to do some voting and there he was, voting and otherwise irritating me with his tenacity.

So if you have a free moment why not drop by his talk page and tell him he's doing everything wrong, you'll fit right in with everyone else! Alternatively, bring a video camera and your book of articles you've added to QVFD and, in my judgement, the two of you will only incriminate yourselves.

Aperture Science Handheld Featured Article Device

Portal is a single-player Source-engine first-person science-fiction puzzle-action meme-causing smart-alec scalp-tearing video game by Aperture Science, dba (doing business as) Valve Software. An innovative, not overly long, well-written, critically acclaimed, award-winning game that pushed the boundaries of how gamers perceived a game's environment and physics, it is mostly known for cake, the Companion Cube, and that song at the end.

A sequel, Portal 2, was announced and demonstrated at E3, and has already received critical acclaim and awards before its release.

Thing we should probably mention

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:21, 21 April 2011

UnSignpost: April 28th, 2011[edit source]

It is still garbage that babies read.

Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.

April 28th, 2011 • Issue 118 • A ~~brilliant~~ ~~reasonable~~ periodical.

General News Round-up

By Chief

It has been another uneventful week at Uncyclopedia, which, contrary to popular belief, is good for the UnSignpost. Uneventful weeks mean we can report in the vaguest terms possible the various goings on on the wiki, a task made infinitely easier through the existence of the Uncyclopedia at a glance page. For instance, did you know that here at Uncyclopedia we have featured 1,731 articles, which is approximately 7%! We don't know what it's 7% of; we aren't scientists. Uncyclopedia at a glance is a splendid resource, which the UnSignpost would recommend to anyone with a spare afternoon and no other plans for their internet usage.

Elsewhere on the wiki, VFS has clunked into its final stage, with Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user both reaching the final round. Normally, at this point, the existing administrators vote on a candidate until the 30th of the month, whereupon a messenger is dispatched to the lair of the bureaucrats informing them whom should be afforded the gift of divinity. This Cabal memo clearly never reached Under user, who has started a vote calling for both candidates to receive adminship. "It's a disgrace, if we give them both admin rights who loses? That's the only reason I vote on these things," said unnamed cabal member ChiefjusticeDS, whose voice has been disguised in order that he remain anonymous.

Meanwhile, over on the forums, Magic man proposed a meeting of the Uncyclopedians in some kind of convention, probably to be held 2 minutes walk from where he lives, slap bang in the middle of not-where-you-live-'s ville. Modusoperandi agreed with Magic man, saying "None of us are in jail," while Dexter111344 called it a "Horrific idea," which is certainly how this newspaper would react to any idea that involved meeting Dexter111344 in person without the presence of several Police officers.

Finally, Dr. Skullthumper has embarked on another quest of utter pointlessness, deploying his bot and himself to "convert HTML" all over the wiki. Pity him. He knows not what he does.

Uncyclopedia in the news again

By Chief

In an age of information overload and astonishingly inaccurate Internet posts, it's reassuring that at least one website strives to be inaccurate at all times. That website is Sign on San Diego, a parody of a news website which bills itself as having all sorts of "Hot Topics" for the people of San Diego and anyone else who might be interested. Recent Sign on San Diego headlines include: "San Diego's air pollution among worst in nation", "Man robs downtown restaurant" and "Reward offered in transient assault case".

This leads us to the article that they mentioned, which was about the "fast-rising" Biffy Clyro, the article is in dire need of rewriting but we know better than most not to let quality stand in the way of meeting journalistic deadlines. The crux of the matter is that Biffy Clyro are playing a show in San Diego, which you should attend, provided you aren't dying of air pollution, being robbed in restaurants or assaulted.

The article also mentioned <insert name here>'s sterling and exemplary contributions to Uncyclopedia since they joined.

The truth is, alas, somewhat less colourful.

We lied. They didn't.

Naruto

By Nobody

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

17:29, April 23, 2011 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked Jesus-semen-swallowing-christ (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Great username. Rubbish understanding of the rules.)
21:03, April 21, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Javi.p (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (That wasn't very nice, I'm not very nice, I don't like ice cream, Ice cream gives me a headache, banning gets rid of headaches, you get a ban. That's joined up thinking right there)
02:08, April 24, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Kevillips (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (YOU DIDN'T SIGN YOUR WELCOME TEMPLATE, YOU MONSTER)
04:01, April 21, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.135.37.38 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (blah blah blah something about blowing me)
04:35, April 27, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Carking1996 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Created an account just to spam "tits", eh? Nice work, moron.)

Biopic of the Week

This week, the biopic is given over to the most important aspect of Uncyclopedia. The voting. Voting underpins our community in much the same way as McDonalds underpins capitalism and a lack of McDonalds underpins Jihad. Without it, we don't get articles featured or deleted. Without it, you would/wouldn't have gotten your awards, you would/wouldn't have been made an administrator. We need voting and it needs us. So for all of you who are leaving it to other people, why not try it now? You can stop when you're dead.

Serious zone Votes on awards like Noob of the month and Uncyclopedian of the month are really important for making people want to keep coming back here; try to do some voting at the very least. Serious zone ends

Knickers.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Oscar's Rap (I'm a Wilde guy)

Public service announcement

You people should all be ashamed of yourselves. End of message.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 06:20, April 28, 2011 (UTC)

You're Winner![edit source]

Congrats on NotM! Template's on ya page. -- TKFU U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U UU U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U CK 20:14, May 1, 2011 (UTC)

Thanks! :) 82.169.199.129 06:18, May 2, 2011 (UTC)

Yeah, good job. *cue confetti* ~

19:42, 3 May 2011

Signpost Un[edit source]

The Conservapedia Signpost

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

May 5th, 2011 • Issue 119 • I sense a great disturbance in the force.

VFS ends. Apathy grips wiki.

By Chief

Those of you who were busy having sex with ladies/men/melons on Saturday evening will have stumbled onto the wiki and discovered that there are in fact two new administrators stumbling around the wiki. Since none of you can find things out for yourself, you have sat, baffled, waiting for the UnSignpost to arrive like a beacon: VFS has drawn to a conclusion and the unlucky losers are Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user.

Following the announcement and the ritual slaying of a goat that Zombiebaron always insists upon before any new administrators may make use of their powers, the two victors went straight back to what they had been doing before - looking at depraved images on the internet, categorising, looking at fetish porn and indeed categorising fetish porn. Scandal immediately ensued; administrators do not categorise. This not being enough, however, the UnSignpost has taken to the streets of Uncyclopedia to find out what the community thinks about the new additions to the Cabal. The first place our journalists visited was the Ministry of Love, which stands at the centre of Uncyclopedia's financial district, or it would if Uncyclopedia had a financial district.

We were thrilled to speak to the duty Cabal representative Zombiebaron, who, when pressed about the empirical significance of the VFS result, slammed his hand down on the table and exclaimed "Zombiebaron". It would seem that a great deal of things are in fact Zombiebaron: the likelihood of the new administrators being embroiled in scandal and VFS voting in general, to name but a few.

We also got the opportunity to sit down with Mhaille after he fell out of a vent as we were leaving and find out what he thought of Lyrithya and Socky being administrators. "In theory its a nice idea, but I wouldn't like to see it in practice" he replied "There are far more deserving people who have only recently discovered the site and hold overinflated opinions of themselves who would be better suited". Before we could explain that the VFS has actually taken place, Mhaille collapsed from dehydration and, not wishing to make a fuss, we left him in the lobby.

It turns out nobody is particularly bowled over by the result of the VFS; the result having been obvious for about 2 weeks now, this lead to the announcement being met with grunts and sighs about "The state of things". We decided to see what Socky and Lyrithya had to say about their new powers. "It feels invigorating. Though somehow, I hardly feel a difference," mused Socky. "It's like being castrated" he added... with his eyes. Lyrithya, meanwhile, was not available to comment, which shows that she is taking her new role seriously, namely by leaving shortly after being appointed in the style of the greats of 2006.

Mordillo is Dead!

By a reputable journalist

Uncyclopedia's most ~~hated~~ loved Bureaucrat and Administrator has been shot dead by US Special Forces in Northern Pakistan.

Mordillo, who had been hunted by Uncyclopedia since disappearing into hiding in early March, died in the early hours of Monday morning (local time) after a group of 25 US Navy SEALS breached his lavish compound in Abbottabad. The Cabal has yet to acknowledge the death of one of their most senior members of staff; this is simply because they are all far too busy crying. Some conspiracy theorists have suggested that Mordillo was extracted from the safehouse in the early hours of Sunday morning and replaced with Osama Bin Laden. These lunatics cite the bearded aspect of the victim and his radical Islamic tendencies, which we cannot now see, as so-called "evidence".

Rumours that Mordillo has fled to western Europe are unconfirmed drivel and you are discouraged from looking for him without a submarine, since his body was buried at sea in order to save you footing the bill for having any photographs developed.

Uncyclopedians around the world have been warned to brace themselves for possible retaliation from Mordillo's cohorts and reminded to live in abject fear of authority at all times.

For now you can sleep peacefully in your beds at night because Mordillo is certainly dead, oh yes, can't get much more dead than the dead he is now...

Check out these pages!

From our logs. New Admin Special:

07:18, May 4, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I've had it with this place.)
06:50, May 4, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Obvious vandal.)
08:54, May 2, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked <insert name here> (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a large Yak (Your support of my grand plan to destroy the wiki shall not go unappreciated. Thank you.)
21:57, May 2, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Osama bin Laden (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (You're dead, lol.)
21:33, May 2, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?)
20:21, April 30, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) resurrected Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) ‎ (hasn't annoyed anyone in the last 5 minutes)
21:49, May 2, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) resurrected Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) ‎ (I am Jesus!)

Biopic of the Week

As is the tradition when new administrators grace the wiki with their presence, the biopic is devoted to making the crusty, less flexible older admins feel better about not being able to touch their toes. While the administrators have absolute dominion over your continued interaction with this, the most splendid of websites, they are just like you.

As Famine explained in his essay, the administrators have a difficult job to do and there are no bitch benefits; honestly you ask any administrator how many bitches they have picked up with their "I'm an administrator on Uncyclopedia" line, the answer? None. How then, I hear you cry, could anyone do the job? Well it's very simple, they don't; all administrators inevitably snap like dry reeds eventually. Some of them leave, some of them die and still others go and get a life.

Don't be too hard on the rest of them and certainly don't try to be like them, why not try to be like Chuck Norris instead? Think of the bitch benefits!

Did You Know?

Sometimes we have to resort to incredibly stupid custom boxes in order to make the two columns be of similar lengths? It isn't essential but symmetry should never be left to rot at the side of the road no matter how many times you have to beat it into shape with a spade.

This isn't one of those times by the way.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Artsy and Misunderstood: A Bedroom Emo Song

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:19, 5 May 2011

LOL[edit source]

I am happy to take contact with you my friend, 1st time I post on your TP! I am having a lotta fun here. My Erectyle Dysfontion is a memory! Thanks for the kind words seriously, what are you working on? I would like to help/read your stuff. Mattsnow 17:22, May 7, 2011 (UTC)

The Signpost is delivered to all God-fearing citizens[edit source]

In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!

May 12th, 2011 • Issue 120 • Now with no liberal bias!

Uncyclopedia

By a concerned citizen

After coercing my children/wife into silence and praising the lord Jesus Christ for my newspaper, my toothpaste, the constitution and this great nation, I decided that some time on the internet would bring the morning to an appropriately spiritual conclusion. "Praise the Lord," I murmured as the computer hummed into life; all seemed right in the world as the Lord unendingly smote the unrighteous in my desktop background.

Conservapedia recognises that liberalism is spreading and nowhere is this more obvious than Uncyclopedia, which mocks the Lord by using one of his divine creations (a potato) for a logo and being entirely dedicated to spreading lies and half-truths, something we know nothing about at Conservapedia. The site is a temple of blasphemy, gayness and, inevitably, liberalism. As I was being disgusted by the liberalism of the font on the main page and the colour of the links, I was astounded to come across a man asking other men to risk their virtue in a game of strip poker with him. All young men should take heed and embrace God, not Olipro. Poker is also for girls.

The so-called forums (a liberal Greek invention) harbor further discussion of user rights; the liberals are erecting their false idols and they venerate these idols and bestrew them with titles. The discussion of the week was over who was the most liberal of the most liberal liberals and which of them should be raised above the others for further worship. Words fail; I had lied to myself (a sin for which I shall be punished) that liberalism was a passing fad, but these people are obsessed with the restriction of their spiritual and physical abilities through their hollow attempts at humor. This Zombiebaron will get his reward in Hell. His very username mocks the Almighty and he shall be punished for his attempted levity.

This community is a threat to children, happiness and America. Don't burn with them.

MadMax

By a slightly less concerned citizen

This community of half-wits, liberals, crazies and liberals will burn in Hell, but until that glorious moment of candescence, it is as well that they amuse themselves and only incriminate themselves further in the eyes of the Lord (I do not want to meet any reformed crazies in Heaven). One of Uncyclopedia's faux Gods, MadMax, has conceived a competition to amuse the masses and likely stir homosexual feelings within them. Notice we used the word conceive because it is the only thing MadMax, who is an ABORTIONIST, probably, will ever conceive.

Here is how this competition will work: users will spawn articles of varying levels of depravity and sin, which will then be judged by a group of judges, unelected no less, who will select the article containing the most depraved acts and leather harnesses in which unmentionable acts will be perpetrated to be the victor. The person with the worst article is eliminated, sadly only from the competition, and the winners go on to face each other in some kind of orgy to see who will be the winner. This festival of depravity has been going on since last Sunday and this correspondent has no doubt that the only reason it is not finished yet is because liberals are famously lazy, a well known symptom of atheism and pro-choice views.

We did not sit down with MadMax to discuss this competition; it was bad enough reading about it. MadMax has indicated his intention to hold the competition again on a larger scale if the trial goes well. We wish him the best of luck and an eternity in the very deepest pit of Hell.

Don't check out these sinful pages!

From their Satanic logs:

04:02, May 11, 2011 Ljlego (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.126.198.194 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (No, YOU'RE super duper gay)
09:40, May 10, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Xxseanpikexx (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Dear Mr Pike: Please get a life. Sincerely, everyone who has ever known you)
22:56, May 9, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Towcar (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Cyberbullying: Be nice, will you? Everything goes so much smoother when everyone dones their fake smiles and wears arbitrary masks...)
22:23, May 7, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked GoUncyclopedia! (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (hahahahaahahah AND YOU STILL CANT SIGN POSTS)
19:05, May 6, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (dep. re. cat. ed. tags.)

Takeover of the Week

As you may have noticed this week, the UnSignpost comes from the lovely people at Conservapedia, a temporary change because occasionally we like to go a bit crazy. That said, we cannot neglect biopic of the week, so we are devoting it entirely to Jesus. What can you say about Jesus? He's not active on recent changes, hasn't been seen around here for what feels like 2000 years and when he was around he generally acted like he owned the place, and was, regrettably, banned indefinitely by Pontius Pilate:

20:37, Nissan 14, 33AD Pontius Pilate (Talk | contribs) blocked Jesus (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Making me cross! Ha ha ha)

Honest, that actually happened. Incidentally, if there was a Cabal, they would take this opportunity to remind you to question nothing you are told.

Reason to leave Uncyclopedia #9,000

The liberal bias, there's just so much liberal bias.

Satanic verse of the week

Ain't Another Way

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:45, 12 May 2011

UnSignpost[edit source]

Johnny Feelgood and the Latex Minions LIVE at the Big Corporate Superdome

Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.

May 19th, 2011 • Issue 121 • The place where news goes to die!

Voting Takes a Back Seat

By Chief

Recently the UnSignpost has been made aware of an alarming development with potentially devastating consequences: Voting for monthly awards is less important than drama. As everyone flocked to the forums this week to register their morally outraged stance at the present system or at the people who are morally outraged at the present system, the UnSignpost headed to the award pages that time forgot, to take in the atmosphere and canvas the nominations for this month.

The first page we looked at was Playwright of the month, an award for the author of the best UnScript this month. Recipients of this award have provided pretty much every UnScript ever due to the general lack of UnScript articles churned out every month. The last winner was Guildensternenstein, back in February, and since then voting has descended into n00b of the month territory as this month's nominee Ljlego storms ahead of the pack of er... nobody with a score of "Your Dad is Bi".

Meanwhile, Article Narrator of the Month is even more desolate, with no nominees for this month and the last winner being Electrified mocha chinchilla, a situation which is commonly agreed that it is a death knell for absolutely any award. Our experts believe that the lack of recorded articles is because no blind people read Uncyclopedia, and nobody wants their article read to them by Electrified mocha chinchilla; it would be like a bed-time story from hell. The "only blind people need audio because everybody else has a pair of eyes" label has also been ascribed (by a highly paid team of consultants and I) to the Emmanuel Goldstein Award of Excellence in the Distribution of Misinformation, which this month is being contested by a user who isn't here and Dexter111344; unsurprisingly, Dexter is losing (why break the habbit of a lifetime?).

Ultimately there are hundreds of awards starving to death on Uncyclopedia as newer users have no idea they exist; there are hundreds of shiny baubles on offer for a user with the will to go out and get them. Incidentally, VFH, UotM, VFP, VFD, NotM, WotM and RotM could use some attention, too. Remember, voting lubricates the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia and you wouldn't want Uncyclopedia to break, would you? Also we have a huge selection of ninjastars just rusting over here. Somebody you know must deserve one!

The Forum

By Chief

Since we have been forced to accept that the forums aren't an entirely useless part of the website, we have decided to quickly zip through without talking to anybody, naturally, and bring you the most happeningest news from this correspondent's least favourite namespace, save for UnDictionary (It's just words, I can't stand words). First up and most important, or so we are told, is the vote for Unimage of the year. Apparently, some of you have been failing in your voting duties, and we would like to single out one person who has failed to vote on this page and that is JackOfSpades. Now, JackOfSpades has been around for the last week and yet he has not voted; the UnSignpost and the expectant world call on JackOfSpades to come forward and explain exactly what he thinks he is playing at. Now while JackOfSpades has been highlighted for his crippling laziness, it could just as easily have been you: Sycamore/Sonje/Romartus. We're going to turn off the lights on the page and when we turn them back on, if some votes just happen to have appeared we'll say no more about it.

It would obviously be entirely wrong not to mention the drama we have had on the forum this week, so here goes: There has been some drama on the forum this week. Happy Thursday.

Check out these pages!

From our logs Roman Dog Bird Special:

06:24, August 1, 2008 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 17 years ‎ (I HAET MAHSELF!!!!!)
03:39, May 15, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Hihyyy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (i love your teacher too)
21:11, January 26, 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 138.163.128.42 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (No. No I won't give Joe a dollar.)
04:15, February 14, 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.79.173.10 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (LOLOL MAN TIMMAAAAYYYY! HEY THEY KILLED KENNY!!! IS IT THE YEAR 2000 ALL OVER AGAIN?!?!?!?!?!)
23:37, August 10, 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked XmabrosX (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Overall, this user is fucking stupid and has no meaning what so ever. Who ever made him is a fucking idiot and deserves to die and go suck a fuck. Now I will make him angry.)
00:29, February 19, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH FUCK YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
00:18, June 21, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Do you see my penis? Here, I'll pull it out! LOOK AT IT DANGLE, FAGGOT!)

Biopic of the Week

As the UnSignpost staff gathered forlornly in my house this week to thrash out the biopic of the week, we were entirely shocked to discover that there was a user patiently awaiting his turn at the biopic. That user is TheHumbucker, who is a very promising user. Why? I hear you say. Well, because TheHumbucker has not only written 5, that's 5 as in the number between 4 and 6, featured articles, but has also done so quietly and without fuss. Splendid. We'd tell you where you can find him normally, but we haven't a clue since this is the first time we have heard of him; he suggests he might be Irish so those of you wishing to find him could try Ireland, or the other end of a rainbow. According to TheHumbucker: "Comedy is serious shit." Clearly he is only here until he remembers his Wikipedia log in.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:11, 19 May 2011

Lolwut[edit source]

It's not working, seems. R 7 (NL) 13:42, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

I know, just trying some stuff with userpages thingy's you know ;) Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 13:48, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

This will never work without access to css, this hover thing is half created with css for example, and a tag that doesn't work here on Uncyclopedia (<css>). The not working part kan be hidden, by removing the non-hovered things (that causes to keep it hover), and the - logically - not working templates from my namespace. I made it, so I know ;) Making that was a hell of a job, so i agree it is not easy. Practice delivers miracles, we say. R 7 (NL) 14:17, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

Haha well I figured that much, I saw your page on the dutch thingy or something, and thought it was pretty cool, so I cut some of the code. My intent was to create some scroll down menu or something whatnot. Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 14:25, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

Maybe..
something
like
this
thing
over
here
?

Possible
so
far
as
this
goes
further
down
...
..
.

~~A wizard did it~~
R 7 (NL) 14:59, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

Error, My internal processor just quit and gave me a blue schreen! Got any sites on learning css or something. ? Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 15:29, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

I can understand that this is quite WTF'ish :p But: this isn't CSS, this is just wikicode. CSS (see here) is the base of some elements in the wikicode. So, for example: the <center> tag is created with CSS, with this:

.center { 
    width: 100%;
    text-align: center;
}
*.center * { 
    margin-left: auto;
    margin-right: auto;
}

It's actually making a shortcut, because <center> is wáy faster than still adding margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 100%; text-align: center; (the actual center code) to a template.

It is indeed hard to understand by seeing this for the first time, but basic knowledge of HTML will help you forward for sure. You can see more CSS in the site software (only editable for admins): MediaWiki:Monobook.css.

So, CSS is totally different than the "normal" wikicode we use here. Fun fact: wikicode is actually HTML-code, but more simple. So, you can forget CSS, by now because it's useless here - you can only use Wikicode.

Anyway, to be straight away: if you want to let template scroll, just add a height, and overflow:auto; to it, than it should do. HTML tutorial to be found at your best friend, or here. Remember: wikicode is much more simple that HTML, so not everything in HTML will work here. R 7 (NL) 15:58, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

Allright I'll start experimenting! Thanks! :) Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 17:40, May 21, 2011 (UTC)

A Man's Guide to Making Breakfast Goo[edit source]

If you changed it to a HowTo, perhaps "HowTo:Make Breakfast Goo (For Men)," you'd be guaranteed the feature spot on the HowTo portal once you've finished. ;-) Rabbi Techno kvetch Contribs FOXES 13:52, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

Really? I'll do that then :)Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 14:00, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

Good plan, Batman. Rabbi Techno

FOXES 13:57, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

Would you mind adding the templates and howto tags and all that stuff? Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 14:00, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

Will do. I update the portal on Saturday afternoons usually, so take a look after about 4pm (BST) tomorrow. Rabbi Techno

FOXES 14:01, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

Aaaaaaiiitt ;) Thanks man! I'll continue adding some links and all that. Do you think I should add a "See also " section? Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 14:03, May 20, 2011 (UTC)

...aaaaaaand...ALAKAZZAM! The deed is done. I don't think a see also section is required in this case, it'd mess up the flow of the page. Rabbi Techno

FOXES 14:37, May 21, 2011 (UTC)

Awesome! :) features toally kick ass. :) Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 17:34, May 21, 2011 (UTC)

Oh is there some kind of template thingy involved? Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 17:48, May 21, 2011 (UTC)

There isn't one for HowTo and Why, mostly because I've never bothered to make one. So, if you make one, I'll award it to you. :-) Rabbi Techno

FOXES 17:50, May 21, 2011 (UTC)

I'll get right to it! It will involve hammers and bolts 'n screws mounted on a huge golden challice. Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 07:39, May 26, 2011 (UTC)

Phnerb unsignpost[edit source]

The periodical without any junk in its trunk!

May 26th, 2011 • Issue 122 • News? Where we're going we don't need news!

Weekly update

By Chief

The big news of the week is that Obama has gone to the UK to talk to some people about some important things. However, since we're stuck reporting on whatever you people have posted in the forums this week, we don't get to report on interesting things like that; we don't even have any blatant bias to crudely insert into any and all of our stories. Incidentally, asylum seekers are no help at all. But enough of those profound thoughts - let's talk Uncyclopedia!

This week saw the return of Dawg. For those of you don't know, Dawg is an Uncyclopedian from the days of yore when Uncyclopedians sported in Elysium and all the problems lay ahead. Hurrah, welcome back Dawg. Deciding that the mere sight of his signature on talk pages did not send the appropriate spasms of joy to the loins of every active and inactive Uncyclopedian, Dawg decided to deop Lyrithya and ban her for two years, an action guaranteed to stir the loins of even the most miserable Uncyclopedian. Obviously this was an unforgivable abuse of power and the people demand cake; it's better for you than blood, supposedly.

Dr. Skullthumper has also embarked on yet another voyage of busy work as his proposal to semi-protect all featured articles forever sailed through the forums on Wednesday. The UnSignpost is one hundred percent behind Dr. Skullthumper in this, his latest foray into "Doing what must be done despite you all," that is until someone decides it was a stupid idea two years from now, in which case Dr. Skullthumper is a twarse and a racist.

In other news, Nachlader has sacked everyone due to Uncyclopedia's poor performance in the last fiscal year, and Bacon is made of Pigs and win. Finally, ebil wikia turned off image uploading which, as any school child knows, THEY ACTUALLY CANNOT DO, BY LAW. It was only for a couple of hours and it only really affected people in America, so who cares? Wikia have turned it on again now, so you may recommence uploading horrible images of yourself/your penis/somebody else's penis without fear of being interrupted by completely unnecessary essential maintenance.

UnNews

By Chief

UnNews is in crisis; with SPIKE absent and Zim ulator likely high as a kite somewhere, there can be no doubt that UnNews lacks a leader. Discussions are presently taking place to decide who should fill the entirely fabricated position at the top of UnNews. Obviously voting is the way forwards, since anything decided without a vote is probably secretly designed to bring the site down around our ears. TheHumbucker appears to be the first choice for UnNews leader, indeed the only person who isn't sure he is competent is TheHumbucker. Olipro confesses himself to be unsure about all this voting; speaking privately, Olipro said "Nobody ever voted for me when I was in charge of UnNews, and it didn't not do me no harm or nothing," a sentiment this correspondent shares exactly, we think.

All views are appreciated in this discussion, except views that disagree with what we have already decided. While we are on a completely unrelated topic, get some voting done on VFH; this correspondent is entirely dissatisfied with the lackadaisical approach to voting adopted by most of you. It's almost as if you don't climax every single time you do it... everyone does that right?

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

22:19, May 23, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ ("Remove the first two linebreaks from the other thing, too, when you remove this top bit." COULD YOU BE ANY LESS CLEAR?)
18:25, May 19, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 65.91.100.222 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Dear Sir: I contend that your redaction of the content in that article in favour of the word penis, proves unequivocally that you lick balls.)
02:47, May 20, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Strico10 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Inserting Vanity: you give me some hope that i'm not the most pathetic person in the world)
22:13, May 22, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Holden Caulfeild (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (breathe in and breathe out hands up and hands down back up back up tell me whatcha gonna do now keep trollin trollin trollin trollin (what?))
00:36, May 20, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) resurrected Famine (Talk | contribs) ‎ (No reason.)

Metal Zombiebaron

Zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron Zombiebaron zombiebaron, zombiebaron zombiebaron! Zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron; zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron Zombiebaron zombiebaron, "Zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron," zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron Zombiebaron!!! Zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron, zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron?

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Screw you Roman Dog Bird

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, May 26, 2011 (UTC)

Sincere thanks for supporting one or more of these articles on VFH:[edit source]

like, really!--Funny bony 20:21, May 29

The UnSignpost: Best before Friday![edit source]

The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!

June 2nd, 2011 • Issue 123 • The only periodical that calls you back!

Logo Pogo, what's our Vector Victor?

By Chief

Those of you who aren't still reeling from the ingenuity and wit contained in the title for this story are just the kind of humour-hating Nazis who are killing this place, one "witty" article at a time, who will, naturally, have noticed that the logo has undergone a design change. This change came after several of our power hungry administrators noticed the shadowing on the old logo. Not noticed the shadowing on the old logo yet? Well head straight to the image page and look at the shadowing on the old logo. We here at the UnSignpost are utterly gobsmacked that we lived and indeed loved alongside such shoddy work, just look at the shadowing! The more you look the angrier you become; it's incredible, just what the hell was Rcmurphy thinking when he created the shadowing on the old logo!?

Of course this is all untrue, the old logo is basically fine but the new one suggests that we aren't all the ten-thumbed Orangutans that <insert name here> is and that we might know something about cricket and opera. In other words, its beauty and three dimensions hide the depressing truth and, according to Dr. Skullthumper, will probably cure AIDS and bring peace to the Middle-East as well. The creator of the brand new logo is none other than Lyrithya, who wasn't available for comment at the time of going to press, but would probably would want to say something about how she owes everything to ChiefjusticeDS. A quick scan of the forum reveals only one forum topic about the new logo, making it about ten times more popular than Wikia and Jesus combined.

The other interesting development is also the development of some kind of new skin for the wiki which is presently being flaunted on a forum and on your gadgets page where you can tick a box to experience it for yourself, just like voting really. This is once again courtesy of Lyrithya, someone who just doesn't take "Meh" for an answer.

The general opinion of the community regarding these changes is difficult to gauge, especially if you don't read any of the forum topics. Speaking anonymously, Mhaille expressed doubts about Vector, stating that the changes were "Only skin deep," but said that any discussion over which was better was "Just plain racist".

Rank admins!

By Chief

Those of you who have heard of Rate Your Admins (or RYA if you wear sunglasses inside) need not read this story; simply scroll back to the top, read the right hand column and ask again just how does that sexy admin do it. Which segues us neatly onto the thrust of this story: Frosty has revived the original RYA, a system by which users would give the active admins a score out of ten on various categories and then the admins would have a reason to get up the next day. The new system is very similar to the old one, exactly the same, some would say, and all it needs is your contribution. The UnSignpost spoke to Sockpuppet of an unregistered user about RYA and he said "I once killed a man," but don't let that put you off; he's actually really well-adjusted.

Voting couldn't be simpler. You just go to the page of the relevant admin and then you click edit (with us so far?) then you put zero in every box and press save. Don't worry; the chances of them knowing where you live are extremely remote so it's literally consequence-free, almost.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

23:49, May 31, 2011, Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 67.232.79.251 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (it takes a certain talent to write that much about someone who apparently sucks so badly)
12:38, May 26, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 91.201.66.76 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (I'd ask you to cease all twattery but then you'd have nothing to do all day.)
03:15, May 30, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a gomphog ‎ (Stealing Gomphog's subpages. Reportedly.)
07:12, May 30, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Tayythunder (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Blanker: Being racist against templates...)
15:21, May 27, 2011 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 64.107.188.2 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Take a break and read HTBFANJS Just calling everyone gay is... Gay? Be more creative eh?)
13:43, June 1, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) ‎ (Being Zombiebaron a little bit too much)

Biopic of the Week

Now I don't know about you, but Cat the Colourful is a name I have seen quite a lot, but in the same way I see grass quite a lot. What I mean by this is that he/she/it is always there, pottering away in the background. While everyone else fights and brawls over the correct font for the main page, Cat the Colourful is there voting on an article, making thoughtful additions to an article, uploading pictures of rabbits killing themselves and generally being helpful.

This is the part of the biopic where I normally complain about the users annoying habits, and this week is no exception; you know what I really hate about Cat the Colourful? It's his signature, there's a picture in it and colours. A stupid username about being a colourful cat with colours in it? His signature should be black, that would be funny because it isn't colourful at all! No? Well con-cat-ulations Cat the Colourful... I'M WITTY DAMMIT!

From the Editor

Every week we receive literally no feedback on the UnSignpost. But last week Lollipop complained that we had not covered all the big news of the week. So, in order to please him and his imaginary friend Alex, Tom Mayfair and MrN9000 have also made edits to the wiki after not doing so for a while. I hope that satisfies Lollipop in the way a woman never will... for free at least.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, June 2, 2011 (UTC)

Rar.[edit source]

You like daffodils? Do you? DO YOU? HMM? Are you manly enough for some DAFFODILS? Manly enough to make and drink that... stuff, but what about daffodils, eh? EH?

Seriously, it's important. Although the recipe should pass VFH, from the looks of things... this could get interesting. How visible do you think the results will be when folks really start trying and making the stuff? Or will there be too many daffodils? I like daffodils. And daisies. Don't you like daisies? 1 2 3 4 ~ 16:53, 5 June 2011

I'm happy u like daffodils. I like cars, helicopters and big rocketlaunchers, and cars. did i mention cars? ~~vrooooooom~~ 82.169.199.129 17:19, June 6, 2011 (UTC)

user:/lockdandload/sig or something..... whatever too lazy too log in. waahaaaaeveaaahh

even though I've allready responded the mails just keep coming in, someone repsonded, but its me, now what?... okay 82.169.199.129 17:26, June 6, 2011 (UTC)

The horror.! again. stop this madness.

Reminder to self, make notes to self: "Don't make notes to self, and sign notes" 82.169.199.129 17:27, June 6, 2011 (UTC)

STOP THE MAILLLSSS!!!! 82.169.199.129 17:27, June 6, 2011 (UTC)

You wouldn't have that problem if you'd log in... it doesn't know this is you. Although it is a bit odd; the software wasn't supposed to send new ones when you haven't checked it yet logged-in, I thought. ~

21:49, 7 June 2011

Just sucked cock, going to mcdonalds now Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 07:29, June 14, 2011 (UTC)

Hurrah, it's the UnSignpost![edit source]

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

June 9th, 2011 • Issue 124 • The only periodical that remains aerodynamic at high speeds!

It's serious business

By Chief

To celebrate the creation of a new ignorable policy, the UnSignpost is covering all the srs biz that has taken place on Uncyclopedia this week. Once again, Lyrithya and her unending quest to "improve" the wiki takes the top story; not content with replacing the potato logo originally created by Rcmurphy, she has created a forum (yes another one) in which she displays the new logos she has created, all wonderful and three dimensional. Dr. Skullthumper appears to have been so entranced by the the shadowing on these new logos that he is currently proposing that we allow Lyrithya to do whatever she wants, then we can only assume it will begin to rain marshmallows and then Jesus will return so that he may bless the new logos in person. Everyone loves the new logos except for Lollipop, whose home-grown logo offerings have been snubbed... one of these days he will probably buy a gun and then kill every single one of us.

The Ministry of Love has a new topic on it. This is news in its own right, but it would be just plain lazy for us not to tell you what it was.

In other news, Sycamore has called for all Real Nigga's to report to the Village Dump. Sycamore, who was born and raised in West Philadelphia, was unable to justify this course of action as he had one little fight and has been forced to go and live with his Aunt and Uncle in Bel Air. The UnSignpost is sure that hilarity is certain to ensue and predicts that Sycamore may well be writing horrendously bad rap music in as little as three years time.

Finally it seems that the in-fighting, backstabbing and constant evil that emanates from all the current admins (with the possible exception of Modusoperandi) has not discouraged users from wanting to be just like them. The UnSignpost wonders why anybody would ever aspire to be part of a group that not only has Olipro in it but also boasts a whole one and a half women and she is maladjusted. The crippling deficiencies of Uncyclopedia's admin group haven't stopped Joe9320 from asking to be one; on being asked why he wants to be an admin, he cited no reason at all. He just does and, apparently, so should you.

Also, Magic man wanted to be in the UnSignpost this week, so he is.

VFS/B

By Chief

When Uncyclopedians aren't looking at depraved Horse porn or voting on articles referencing Horse porn, they are to be found gazing in wonder at VFS to see just what those barmy administrators have come up with next. Well, sort of.

Currently VFS is not given over to the process of sandwich voting, but to a vote on whether to hold nominations for a preliminary round of voting for the people to administer the results of further voting, but only if there has been a vote first. In short, the admins are deciding whether or not to have some more bureaucrats. Since all of you have read Jimbo Wales fantastic works: "The Pricing of Index Options When the Underlying Assets All Follow a Lognormal Diffusion" and "Me and my ample piles. Of Money" you all know the ins and outs of the role, but we will remind you anyway. Bureaucrats give out user rights; if Uncyclopedia was a city the users would be the citizens, the vandals would be the criminals, the administrators would be the Police and Bureaucrats would be the people who send Police officers annoying notes about filling in forms and the importance of chilling their packed lunches.

Currently the vote is plus four in favour so it looks like voting on sandwiches will be suspended for another month, a tragedy which two months ago seemed a very remote possibility. We would urge you to vote but you all know the form by now, just remember that Bureaucrats tend to go... missing. We sat down with absentee Bureaucrat and hilarious moustache owner Mhaille to get his opinion of the vote: "If you master the 5 D's no amount of balls on Earth can hit you" Mhaille responded before beating our reporter savagely with a sack of wrenches, so there is some definite food for thought there. Cross your legs folks, it looks like there will be another vote coming to your computer screens very soon.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

20:33, June 5, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 67.180.53.111 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (You may fire when ready..... /robot voice/ commence primary ignition...... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH)
02:04, June 3, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) resurrected #59221 ‎ (HOW COME NO ONE EVER UNCHECKS THIS BOX ANYMORE)
02:05, June 3, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (because you havent been banned yet somehow. i hope this happens RIGHT AS YOU PRESS THE SUBMIT EDIT BUTTON)
02:06, June 7, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Sickmyduck1 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ ([insert joke here about lacking penis size])
11:20, June 7, 2011 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked 194.80.21.164 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (You seem to be unable to recognise that the repeated deletion of your articles means they're crap and we don't want them. Perhaps this ban will help?)
11:29, June 4, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 173.208.51.136 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (BUY SOME SPAM!! CUT PRICE SPAM! LEARN HOW WEIRDO MAKES NO MONEY AND LOSES HIS FRIENDS FROM HOME!!! BEST OFFAR EVAR!)
21:47, June 3, 2011 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 201.229.215.186 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (EminemEminemEminemEminem)

Biopic of the Week

Well, nobody was looking forward to being biopiced in the UnSignpost than Lollipop. Lollipop came to Uncyclopedia in 2010 under the guise of Maniac Mcpee, whose very first article was deleted. Lollipop reacted as all of us would have done and created a hate page to explain just how much he hated the offending administrator; this page was then taken, completely rewritten and went on to become a featured article. Lollipop has not shut up about it since.

As much of a blessing as a curse, Lollipop has hurricaned his way around the wiki, alternately thrilling and irritating administrators and users alike, but do you know what makes us want to biopic him? It's not the cash he gave us, though that certainly greased the wheel, no, it's his enthusiasm; you just can't demoralise him. Every time you turn around he's there being derided on a talk page or forum and then the next day he's back with something else. He just won't quit! So well done, Lollipop, you're the guy we all love to hate to love.

Thought for the week

On Uncyclopedia at a glance why do we have a stat for "Pictures of boobies" but not one for "Pictures of Cake"?

Think about it (That's sort of the point)

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Still Alive (Bin Laden 2011 Cover)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, June 9, 2011 (UTC)

UnSignpost Activate![edit source]

The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

June 16th, 2011 • Issue 125 • Adopt a mad Bear today... please, they're closing in.

CURSE YOU!

By Chief

It's time for the mid-month, mid-week, midnight round-up of Uncyclopedia, named this week for the mutual love and admiration currently flying back and forth on the Village Dump. The big news this week is that VFC has opened for voting, with almost every active administrator being nominated along with <insert name here>. After a whole day of voting, Zombiebaron has taken a commanding lead, racking up 14 votes, with Thekillerfroggy and Modusoperandi sitting in second and third. Our correspondent described the scenes on the page as "Sickening" as the leaders compete to see who can be the most dashing chap and concede victory to his fellows in the noblest manner possible. The UnSignpost was able to talk to Zombiebaron about the race: "Zombiebaron," he stated confidently on being asked whom he thought would prevail; on being asked who he would like to see stripped naked, smeared with Jam and fed to killer ants, he responded "Zombiebaron," and when pressed as to why he conceded that the matter was indeed "Zombiebaron".

Moving on from the sickening gayery taking place on VFC, the village dump brings us the conflict and hatred that made Uncyclopedia as doomed as it is today. First PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that admins should not protect forum pages while discussion was taking place, in return the administrative body suggested that PuppyOnTheRadio should probably put some clothes on before going outside. Elsewhere on the dump, Dr. Skullthumper is doing his best to keep himself in pointless busy-work by proposing that we recategorise everything into a set of new categories within a new namespace which in turn will be within a new namespace. The practical upshot being that Dr. Skullthumper has a reason to haul himself out of bed every morning, a truly noble goal; this entire wiki having being founded around a very similar aim.

Finally it seems that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 list has ground to a halt and has become Roman Dog Bird's very own personal playground and, as amusing as it is to watch him make entries about his bowel movements, his friends bowel movements, and bumsex, there aren't that many reflections on 2011. Since we passed the halfway point of the year a few weeks ago it was with some dismay that we discovered that we are still 66 reflections away from completing the task before the annual Cabal broadcast at the end of the year. This is a large crisis. Everybody should spend at least 10 minutes of the coming week running frantically around their house panicking about the impending crisis and the consequences of such a large crisis. Someone should also add new reflections to the list, but not before completing the requisite ten minutes of panic.

Skully's formspring declared "national pastime of Uncyclopedia"

By Dr. Skullthumper

In a bizarre twist of social networking, local user Dr. Skullthumper has created an account on the popular website formspring.me. Almost immediately the famed Uncyclopedia administrator was bombarded with questions about his sexuality, his sister, and propositions of considerable indecency. So amusing were his answers that for several hours wiki contributors ceased editing altogether to think up more clever questions to ask him.

"I was looking for a place to gloat about my ban," says Equivamp, a self-proclaimed sufferer of Erectile Dysfunction. "But I was too scared to come on IRC. That's where all the rapes happen. Luckily I found one of the dozens of links to this guy's formspring that everyone's been talking about. Finally, a place to insult Uncyclopedia safely!"

But even such a positive story as this brings humanity's dark side to light once more. Kip the Dip has revealed himself to be one of the most prejudiced users in Uncyclopedian history, believing the entire website to be constructed for his people alone. Several anonymous users have taken to slandering the almighty goddess Lyrithya, who continues to shower us with holy goods such as proper bloody code and images that don't look like they were shat out of MS Paint. And as for Skully, the sheer amount of time he has spent answering questions has forced him to forgo sleep for several nights in a row now. Despite these setbacks, Skully says he will "continue to do what must be done", and "hurrrrrrrrrrrrrghCOFFEE".

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

05:38, June 15, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Meepsheep made this account to upload goatse (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Clever! Verrrry clever. And foolish! Now you're at my mercy. And I don't have any. You're at my NOTHING)
04:39, June 13, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.236.184.66 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (If you like graffiti so much why don't you buy some spraypaint and draw a giant cock on your front door)
08:41, June 14, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (The cabal wishes it: It does honest, I was at the last meeting and we talked about this while the tea was going round)
18:28, June 11, 2011 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked 67.158.24.53 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (we are a humour site, we are not concerned with the truth)
01:18, June 13, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 99.68.16.64 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (I know what you dream about at night.)
20:57, June 14, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 173.208.56.140 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (uuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh)

Biopic of the Week

As the UnSignpost staff gathered in the Theatre of Dreams next to the local Bingo hall, it came to our attention that the biopic has been doing rather well recently. It has actually covered actual users who are actually editing the wiki or who have actually edited the wiki at some point in the past. In fact we decided that we had done such a good job that the biopic this week would be all about what a splendid job we made of the biopics for the last few weeks. I mean, there you all were reading the UnSignpost and pairing your socks when BLAM! There was the biopic and it fed you when you had no food, it clothed you when you were wearing parachute pants and it didn't judge you the same way everyone else does.

The biopics from the last few weeks have contained less than two grams of saturated fat and cost you nothing, in fact they gave you the gift of laughter which, according to intellectuals, is the greatest gift of all; frankly you ought to be paying us. This biopic even comes with a picture of a traffic cone! It's so stripy and orange and stuff...

By the power of Greyskull!

You shall not best me Skeletor!

So there.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Ur So Phat and you don't even like food

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:11, June 16, 2011 (UTC)

G-REX THANKS from Sog & Fbony[edit source]

Many thanks for voting in favor of G-Rex. But we’re sorry for pulling your leg. Recent new developments near Las Vegas lead us to conclude that G-Rex was actually much larger than previous thought.

--Funny bony 14:31, Jun 21

Breakfast goo[edit source]

No problem man, it was a pleasure to vote for it. It made me laugh out loud half a doezen times and that puts your article in my top ten, in terms of helarity. Also...as if that wasn't enough, Im writing a parody (well more of a contrasting piece on it) of it, and I am determined to make it the first article I get featured :) :) :) --ShabiDOO 17:49, June 21, 2011 (UTC)

Hey duder...ehm...its HowTo:Make Breakfast Dew (For Women). Im still polishing it, and thinking about images and formatting. Your article really inspired me to do the same thing from a womans point of view, even though Im a guy with a penis and quite happy that way. Was fun trying to write from a ladies point of view while copying your dripping macho breakfast goo stuff!!! hahah. --ShabiDOO 16:31, June 24, 2011 (UTC)

Ha! I read it and thought it was pretty funny~ (Although I had to wikipedia 8-ball to know the meaning, same goes for a clover cigarette. :) Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 08:44, June 25, 2011 (UTC)

Catch it. Kill it. Bin it. It's the UnSignpost![edit source]

The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!

June 23rd, 2011 • Issue 126 • The only periodical that will burn your house down... with lemons!

Experimental Vectors

By Chief

This week Uncyclopedia stands on the brink of a momentous decision, a decision that will shape the future of the wiki and possibly society as we know it. Also, Lyrithya is proposing that we introduce the Vector skin as the default skin for the whole wiki. As is the custom on our planet a vote is currently happening in a forum, which isn't really news as everything around here is eventually resolved in that way. The vote currently stands at eleven votes in favour, with the people voting for praising Vector's enticing indentation and stylings and the against voters complaining that Vector isn't compatible with Windows 95 and doesn't display properly when loaded on a monitor last used to observe the 1969 Moon Landings.

For voter and skin fetishist Ljlego launched a staunch defence of Vector, saying, "I hated Vector when I first saw it on Wikipedia," while against voter and Republican Aleister in Chains has complained that the skin doesn't work when he loads it on his ZX Spectrum; he has also found the real problem with the skin, namely, "Those huge tabs at the top, they look ridiculous. " Shabidoo, meanwhile, has decided to abstain, having been unable to make up his mind; his uncertainty about the new skin springs from a belief that, "This skin is much better than the last one." What a weirdo. The UnSignpost staff has switched to Vector and report that they have, on several occasions, found money in the street on the way home; who in their right mind would refuse to switch now?

Vector does have several deficiencies which are, of course, all Lyrithya's fault. The much loved and coveted things to do page has disappeared from the sidebar, meaning that unless you search for it, you cannot find it. Incidentally, Science proves that searching for articles in the search box causes Cancer in 75% of everyone who does it. There are no other problems, except that the toolbox is set to be closed as default, Pee review is now below the facebook page link (this makes it appear less important), it doesn't make sandwiches, the edit button is on the wrong side, to watch pages I click a star (this is blatant Zionism), when I click the search box I type in a box inside the search box, and there is no link to the UnSignpost on the sidebar.

If you have yet to try out the Vector skin go to your preferences page; you know you are there when the box with your optional real name in it appears. Click the gadgets tab and then select 'experimental Vector skin' from the list. Enjoy. Incidentally my real name is Archer, Leader of the Gorgonites.

Fails QA

By Him yet again

Now while the UnSignpost staff are currently contemplating a weekly box devoted to Dr. Skullthumper's latest fad for Uncyclopedia, we felt we absolutely had to cover his latest dalliance into saving us from the eternal fires to which we are so rightly condemned. QA is something you are no doubt familiar with; for those of you who aren't here is how to find out. The new revelation is the QA log; this is a splendid log for those of you who love to sit and stare at recent changes. Now you can stare at recent changes and the QA log. It basically catches people sneakily removing maintenance tags from articles in order that they may be punished for their anarchic tendencies.

Dr. Skullthumper has said all of the above in forum, but that's what the UnSignpost is for - we read the forums and write a brief summary with more jokes and less whining. The aforementioned Physician would like feedback from users on how his new device works, so in short he would like you to go to his forum and tell him just how splendid it is that he has taken time out from his splendid schedule of splendid masturbation to splendidly improve this splendid site.

Some of our readers have written to us to tell us what they think about this new tool: "Zombiebaron," said an anonymous letter. "Who is this?" asked RabbiTechno after phoning our hotline. "Please rush me my portable Walrus polishing kit. 4 Super brushes guaranteed to clean even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals." read a coupon sent to us by Under user. "Wow. Now that is VERY useful." read an email from MrN9000, titled "Re:The purpose of toilets" and "Help me. I'm trapped in a post office." wrote Mordillo, who hasn't been seen since March.

The QA log is live and watching all of you at this very moment and reminds you that thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

01:08, June 19, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked WeStoppedTheRocket (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (i've heard (well, okay, seen i guess) it before! i don't wanna here (again, see) it again!)
12:49, June 19, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 132 seconds ‎ (you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator)
15:29, June 21, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.46.201.230 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 Days ‎ (Hell yeah! You showed that talk page. Hit it again! Keep it down!)
15:15, June 19, 2011 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (EVERYONE LOVES IT!)
00:08, June 18, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 204.8.195.146 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (My dog just died from your lack of humour. Murderer!)
22:39, June 20, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked What now, bitches? (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (cute)

Biopic of the Week

Uncyclopedia has a problem. Uncyclopedia has NoNamesLeft. Now having NoNamesLeft is not the huge tragedy that it may first appear. To have NoNamesLeft is to have NoMoreStupidity. Confucius say: He who have NoNamesLeft have most names of all. Of course NoNamesRemaining is not just a rather snappy saying , no it is also the Moniker for a complete lunatic who likes to edit Uncyclopedia, likely to the severe detriment of the other duties and responsibilities in his life. Having been on Uncyclopedia for two months, he has racked up over 2,000 edits and three featured articles, along with a whole set of other articles that have caused Aleister in Chains to fall unequivocally in love with him.

If you fancy asking him just how he will pay the heating bill for next month you can visit his talk page. Don't hold your breath for a response though; he's probably far too busy.

Things you already know weekly round-up

Zombiebaron and Modusoperandi lead Thekillerfroggy in the final round of VFS, nobody writes UnTunes any more, <insert name here> is still great fun, more people need to vote on VFH, everyone secretly loves the Power Rangers, you will go blind if you keep doing that, Zombiebaron, Nachlader is occasionally funny, obeying orders without question is fun, the two columns are now similar lengths. Mission Accomplished.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Oo Aa Iiee

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, June 23, 2011 (UTC)

The Un-Sigh-npost![edit source]

Now with 20% more ninjas!

June 30th, 2011 • Issue 127 • Kills 99.9% of bacteria.... IN SECONDS!!

Breasts

By Chief

You know what the problem is? You will shortly, because if there's something the UnSignpost does brilliantly, it is editorialise on matters of little or no significance to you or the people you know. The problem is the days of the week and the dates of the month are conspiring against the UnSignpost. As the UnSignpost team sat down on Sunday to play monopoly and, if there was time, lay out the foundations for this splendid periodical, some bright spark suggested that we cover the conclusion of VFS. What an excellent idea, we all agreed, and had completed an entire specialist 3D issue on that single topic, complete with free poster and balloons, when it was realised that we won't in fact know who has won until Thursday evening, by which time this periodical will have been dispatched and our team of journalists will once again be at home wanking themselves raw. So we binned that spectacular issue and persuaded our least able journalist to write the story instead; this was especially useful as we only have to pay him in hugs and Jelly Babies.

So VFS trundles on into its final laborious stages; some of you may remember voting a long long time ago when it was still exciting and you checked the page every day to see how your favourite candidate was doing. Now the only people checking VFS every day are Thekillerfroggy and Zombiebaron, and only then because they are winning at the moment. Obviously all that is needed to recapture the attention of the average Uncyclopedian is a header proclaiming the existence of breasts and, of course, exclusive interviews with other Uncyclopedians! Regrettably only one of those is available right now and this being the UnSignpost you can probably guess which one.

"Well I do have a plan," said Thekillerfroggy when we interviewed him about his tactics for being the winner. When pressed, he revealed that "Well I can't reveal too much but I can say that my plan involves being the winner." Clearly TKF is playing the long game, but how about Zombiebaron? "Zombiecrat!" replied Zombiebaron when we asked how he would counter TKF's ambitious strategy to be the winner, which roughly translated means that Zombiebaron plans to be the winner as well.

Third placed candidate Modusoperandi is currently sticking to his usual duties: sticking the occasional template on Ban Patrol and posting on the forums where he is occasionally racist; the best and wisest man any of us have ever known. The other obvious problem here is that we don't have any particularly active Bureaucrats (thus why we are holding this vote) to give the newly elected users their rights on Friday morning. However this is a minor detail since the voting is the fun part of any VFS and you all enjoyed that... right?

Forest Fire

By Chief

As we were saying last week, Dr. Skullthumper really needs a hobby, preferably one that involves very long compulsory breaks from his computer. However, undeterred by such scathing criticism, Dr. Skullthumper and Lyrithya have decided, in the name of quality, to reform the maintenance templates, leaving a queue of articles on the timestamped maintenance categories as long as the list of women that Dr. Skullthumper isn't sleeping with.

When we arrived to question the good doctor, Lyrithya demonstrated her commitment to the project by immediately saying "It was Dr. Skullthumper's fault," which at least shows she is a team player. Of course Dr. Skullthumper is far too busy to answer our questions, especially when there are problems to be solved and edit counts to be raised, so he has proposed another forest fire week because if there's anything more fun than sorting through hundreds of articles, it's tagging hundreds of them with templates. For those of you who have never seen a forest fire week it is essentially a week (duh) where users are encouraged to tag crap articles with a tag that gives them 7 days to live. All splendid and wholesome; the only issue being that for reasons best known to himself, Dr. Skullthumper has posted this idea in BHOP, so you actually have to go there in order to read it, sorry.

Of course such an idea assumes that tagging articles is fun and I'm sure you will agree it is, if you are doing it once or twice a day. Once the seven days are over you'll wish that there was no Uncyclopedia, no internet and ultimately no choice! So hurry over to cast your all-important votes, and speed us on our way to misery and clerkly drudgery!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

07:33, June 28, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 217.206.228.109 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Finally, a good old-fashioned page blanking, well done to you sir for defying convention so radically)
19:43, June 27, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked TheHelloGuy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (LulzSec attacking wiki security? Of course it's insecure, it's bloody MediaWiki!)
09:16, June 27, 2011 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 178.168.31.223 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (werespambotmanwolf)
03:20, June 26, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) ‎ (if i'm resurected does that mean that i'm a zombiezombiebaron?)
14:05, June 24, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 117.120.16.132 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Ass-cheese is all very well at work, but you have to switch off sometime)
12:26, June 23, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 119.155.6.23 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I'm cleansing the internet of inferior lifeforms, starting with spambots.)

Biopic of the Week

There is no biopic this week. Try not to think about that too much.

OMG!

Cajek edited the wiki this week, see below.

Cajek Ban-Smackdown of the Week

16:14, June 25, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 13 seconds ‎ (Hello. I don't believe I've blocked you before. )
15:35, June 25, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 253 seconds ‎ (Editing the wiki without due care and attention)
02:58, June 25, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a poop ‎ (uuuuuunnnnnnnnngggggggghhhhhh *poop*)
01:17, June 25, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a flock of trouts ‎ (Because.)
00:11, June 25, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5000000 years ‎ (WHY HAVENT I DONE THIS YET)
22:37, June 24, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a jubilation ‎ (OH MY FUCKING SHIT IT IS CAJEK!!!!!!!!!)

Newsroom UnTune of the week

The Star and Eagle

Reason to leave Uncyclopedia #6,425

Just to pop down to the shops for... porn.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, June 30, 2011 (UTC)

It's free and it always will be; it's the UnSignpost![edit source]

At the next roundabout- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

July 7th, 2011 • Issue 128 • Why not have some Yoghurt?

The Final Solution

By Chief

The year is 2011, as you are obviously well aware, and Uncyclopedia once again faces a crisis that could very well shake the very foundations of the wiki and destroy the comedic soul of the userbase. Ha, fooled you, here is a story about a forum that nobody except Lyrithya has replied to.

You all recall that last week we covered Dr. Skullthumper and his latest dalliance with quality control. Well, it seems that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user took exception to these changes, and he is determined to make a stand for justice, democracy and the ~~American~~ Belgian way, whichever way that may be. So you all know how we have too many articles, you should because you have all been told, and that all of these articles suck, however Socky contends that the way to solve this is not through shipping all the articles to Cajek's prison island but rather by considering each and every one in turn. A noble aim but it simply is not practical; does Socky not realise that these are necessary losses without which democracy cannot be purified? Clearly he does not.

The UnSignpost decided not to have an interview with anyone this week as it involves all sorts of complex logistical work and what can be charitably described as begging but rather has elected to have people answer any question with a random line from their talk page that they have said; we aren't completely unprofessional. The first person we didn't sit down with was Socky himself, to inform him that we were running this story. "That's... partially nice and partially creepy to hear." he responded. Asked why he opposed the reforms he said "The dark side is always my choice." which at least explains why he lives underneath a power station. Finally we asked what his proposed solution would be: "All I can say is that it's Arabic and I have a hunch it has "Allah" in it somewhere," he said enthusiastically (we imagine).

We failed to ask Uncyclopedian every man Frosty what he thought about the conflict, he responded by saying "They are actually both kinda awful, so whatever. I cant be bothered." albeit he did say this on Tuesday... to someone else... about something completely different. Dr. Skullthumper rebutted Socky's accusations of Article Death Camps by saying "I've been an uptight fucker because I was on my periods" to RAHB, in 2008.

Hopefully this will all accumulate with some kind of massive fight, hopefully with lasers... in space; this correspondent certainly hopes so.

Competitions

By Chief

We here at the UnSignpost were out of writing material this week, and that doesn't just mean we have run out of pens, it means that VFS has concluded, nobody is really fighting about anything and most crucially there have been no writing competitions. Usually you can't move for Uncyclopedia competitions begging people to write something funny in the name of fun and games and with the promise of a shiny template should they do particularly well.

Well Thekillerfroggy certainly noticed and it seems that every person who has ever hosted a competition ever was just waiting for him to ask since they are now all fighting over who gets to hold their writing competition first, by being incredibly gallant and insisting that everyone else go first. It's like watching a group of middle aged women discuss who will get to have the last Malteser: "Oh I really shouldn't, no you do it, you haven't had a Malteser in such a long time, I know I love them and being in charge of them but you asked nicely, oh do go on Mavis." You get the idea (obviously in this analogy Maltesers are writing competitions). We list the ideas floating around on the forum below for your ~~laziness~~ convenience:

1) The PLS, last hosted by Sycamore in February.

2) The Article Whisperer last hosted by MadMax in October last year.

3) The Happy Monkey Competition hosted by Shabidoo in March.

4) Some hypothetical competition possibly hosted by Ljlego at some theoretical point this summer.

One thing is for certain, one of these will happen, be sure to keep an eye on the forums to see what is being held when, that way you can not take part as a conscientious objection rather than just through ignorance.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

23:58, July 1, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked 27.3.18.100 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Look at the cute little revert warrior...)
08:27, July 1, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 137 minutes ‎ (it's not Retardpedia, you say? What the fuck was I ever doing here then?)
19:15, July 1, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked 108.67.107.232 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Why do people take so dang long to blank a page? Honestly. It's just edit -> select all -> backspace.)
16:30, July 3, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.228.244.123 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (It's my userpage, the important part being that it is mine, If I want to fill it with hentai and fairies that is my own crap decision and you should let me roll with it.)
01:09, July 5, 2011 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Olipro sucks (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Your Mother)
11:27, July 4, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.250.163.61 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Are you stupid? This is a legitimate question based on the nature of your contributions.)

Biopic of the Week

What can one say about Joe9320? That he hasn't already said himself, it is not an exaggeration to say that Joe9320's biggest fan is Joe9320. That said, you should not let this, or his... unique userpage put you off Joe. Joe's biggest commitments right now are the Goa Tse clan, being made an admin and being Joe9320. Joe has been around since 2008 and should be afforded a level of respect for causing very little in the way of real problems in that time, accruing a stunning 8 blocks as he wheels from forum to forum explaining why he rocks and why we should all agree that he rocks.

So those of you with supposedly limitless free time can swing past Joe's userpage and once they have enjoyed that for a little while can swing by his talk page and speak to the man himself. Good luck to you; there be monsters.

Old School FA

The GPS is today becoming a never-ending source of delight to exuberant male drivers, for two main reasons:

Their total lack of ability to ask for directions.
Their insatiable desire for new, expensive and totally unnecessary toys.

The GPS fulfils both of those basic male needs.

The GPS will essentially connect to several geographic satellites which are able to coordinate the driver's local position, destination and how to bridge the gap between the two.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Can't Stop Him Now

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:11, July 7, 2011 (UTC)

The UnSignpost: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger![edit source]

We're delivering it to your door anyways!

July 14th, 2011 • Issue 129 • The Engines cannae take it Captain!

Now You're Gone

By Chief

This week the UnSignpost is the bearer of sad sad news. A person close to us all, an integral cog in the workings of the wiki has taken a leave of absence and now there is nobody to take up the slack. Yes it is with a heavy heart we report that Sannse is hardly ever here these days. For those who are interested there will be a small service on Sunday where we will all have a minutes fresh air in honour of Sannse, on the plus side Lyrithya hasn't edited the wiki in four days at the time of going to press!

This forum by super sensitive Ljlego details his intentions to force Lyrithya into a holiday, buy tampons and grow a vagina, not necessarily in that order. For those of you who don't know what a holiday involves it's a very expensive way of going to stay somewhere with unreliable internet, too much spicy food and to be molested by foreigners who smell of spicy food. Ljlego doesn't make it clear why exactly he thinks that Lyrithya needs molesting but it's most likely because she makes a prettier lady than he does. Dr. Skullthumper, who just can't stay out of the UnSignpost these days, has diagnosed Lyrithya with what he calls "Uncyc Fatigue" a condition that in its final stages renders one completely incapable of caring about anything to do with Uncyclopedia. By that prognosis just about every woman in this correspondent's life has suffered from "Uncyc Fatigue" and not, as I incorrectly assumed, "Chief Fever".

Romartus called for calm saying that we should "Let Lyrithya decide what she wants to do without pressure". So we should all just sit back and wait for the first corpse to turn up; cut to pieces in an alleyway with "Shifty Eyes" daubed in blood on a nearby wall.

In other news the forums have exploded with suggestions for writing competitions, with ideas like "You write an article with your eyes closed!" and "You write an article about pants and then we all vote on which pants article is most pants and the winner can add a picture of some pants to their signature!!!" being floated for your approval. If you want to participate or support an idea then make a point of telling the person suggesting it, or they are liable to forget all about it. The PLS is the one that is most likely to happen and it needs ~~fools with time on their hands~~ willing volunteers to make it worthwhile, speaking of which do a Pee review.

What you should all be doing.

By Magic man

Hi there, my name is Magic man. Some of you may know me as god, some of you may not. In this day in age, it's hard to know what to do; you've got the media, your boss, and all your friends at school (don't try to deny it, I know most of you are still schoolchildren) telling you different things: What to like, what to wear, who to be friends with, not to follow them home. To be quite frank, it annoys the hell out of me when people tell other people what to do. Unless I'm the one doing the telling. So after reviewing all the opinion columns, listening long and hard to everyone opinions I have come to this conclusion:

Give me all your money.

Really, I'm a great guy and very deserving. All my research does point to everyone giving me all their money, so that's another reason, right there. What's that you say? you think I'm lying to you just to help myself? Noooooo! What would make you say that? I mean, have I ever lied to you? Okay, maybe. But that doesn't mean I'm lying right now. Really, I'm not.

Huh? What now?! You say you're to poor, old, ugly, lazy, selfish, stupid or short to give me money? Well don't worry your ~~pretty~~ little head you poor/old/ugly/lazy/selfish/stupid/short bastard you! Because if you can't give me money, give me your children! Don't have children? That's alright, I'll take anything! Blowjobs, pie, plastic penises, lollipops, whores, a ~~collage~~ college degree, attention, bananas (actually on second thought, don't give me bananas, I hate those things...), goldfish, human eyes, or hair pieces. Really, anything, except for bananas, remember, I hate those things!

Give today.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

11:11, July 12, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 213.226.63.143 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Haha! You're so funny and original, your talents are wasted here.)
08:22, July 10, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.142.73.215 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Confucius say: Fuck you gaylord )
08:29, July 12, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.17.9.81 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (nice spamcruft, bro...)
20:42, July 7, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Hotelle (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Please find yourself a more purposeful occupation than making a list about a yuky doody bigger.)
20:31, July 7, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (Giant pile of useless fail)
10:27, July 8, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 195.194.21.180 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (hey, you remember the last time I banned you for being an idiot? good times, man, good times. )
07:25, July 12, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.133.97.72 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 months ‎ (SERIOUSLY GUY, I HAVE TO ADMIT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE BANNED)

Biopic of the Week

The biopic for this week focusses on a user who has taught us all a thing or two about being Uncyclopedians and just a little bit about being human... ha ha just kidding, this week the biopic is about Shabidoo. Now let me start us off by saying that I don't hate Shabidoo how could one hate a user who persists in his enthusiasm for all aspects of the site? You've all seen him on the forums talking about his views and hosting competitions and writing and checking pee reviews. What a splendid fellow.

However...

His userpage, I've been there and he lists several users that inspire him; I am not on this list. He lists several users who are "Great Behind The Scenes"; I'm not on that list either. We here at the UnSignpost can only conclude that being "Great Behind the Scenes" involves doing sexual favours for Shabidoo and probably involves freakish dancing and harnesses. So if you fancy meeting Shabidoo, one of Uncyclopedia's great innovators, then you had better be prepared to strim his hedge at some point, if you know what we mean...

Word of the Week Symmetry

Newsroom UnTune of the week

My Humps (Acoustic)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, July 14, 2011 (UTC)

The UnSignpost: Avoid all contact with eyes.[edit source]

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

July 21st, 2011 • Issue 130 • Are you flirting with me?

Voting (again)

Senseless rambling by ChiefjusticeDS

So as we approach the end of the month the monthly award competition should really be heating up and showing us all the great expanses of talent of which Uncyclopedia can rightfully boast. We are pleased to report that this is exactly what has happened; the awards pages are packed with votes and edit summaries complaining of edit conflicts while voting, or at least they would be... IF WE LIVED IN OPPOSITE WORLD!

In reality visiting an awards page feels rather like trekking around Chernobyl, sans Ukranian soldier who refuses to take pictures of you in front of all the landmarks; strange mutated beings (nominees) stagger out of the shadows begging for just one vote. However they await in vain as it would appear that all of you have forgotten that voting is actually the most fun you can have on Uncyclopedia, especially with your clothes off. One need only survey the lesser awards like Author of the Month and Potatochopper of the Month to see that this is clearly an issue in need of resolution. Dr. Skullthumper had this to say of the voting problem: "How so, where?" so we can all be assured that it is at the top of his to-do list of urgent issues to be resolved.

The UnSignpost would like to be the first to recommend a solution; we suggest that we hit the award pages hard and fast with a major leafleting campaign, which when followed up with a proposal to propose a discussion on the issue of awards pages with few votes to be considered at some hypothetical point in the near to distant future by a committee of individuals elected through two junior sub-committees, will be a considerable force to be reckoned with.

Since investigation is rumoured to be a part of the remit of the UnSignpost we outfitted several of our fearless reporters with pens and paper and sent them to find out what you think. Our first call was to the home of <insert name here> who, may we say, could do with mowing his lawn once in a while, and putting some clothes on before dancing to Blondie in the front room. "I was actually just going to vote on all the awards, no worries guys" said <insert name here> and we can only hope that <insert name here> does exactly that, since liars are regularly incarcerated on Zombiebaron's prison island, where the piteous cries of "No Zombiebaron here?" never stop.

To update on the awards that have amassed some votes Noob of the Month, Uncyclopedia's favourite award, is exceptionally close this month with one candidate having assailed the dizzying heights of 4 votes and his nearest competitor tailing him at the similarly disorientating altitude of 3 votes. Uncyclopedian of the Month is a Frosty appreciation party and he leads his nearest competitor by 8 votes. Writer of the Month is a much more subdued affair with Mattsnow leading the pack with a massive three votes.

The obvious resolution to this and indeed all problems on Uncyclopedia is that we all start voting as much as humanly possible, I'm going to go and do it right now; <insert name here> promised he would and I am inspired by his example, we hope you will be too.

Football

Uninformed rambling by ChiefjusticeDS

It's American Football Season! Or so we are reliably informed on this forum by Guildensternenstein. The news is obviously that fantasy football is about to start again, for those of you who don't know how it works you are probably best to look it up on wikipedia or something because we here at the UnSignpost haven't a clue. Guildy has said "I need a minimum of 6 guys" and he would like about 12 people to sign up for fantasy football as well. The UnSignpost would also like to extend the offer of the post of "Pretend Sports Correspondent" to someone who can, occasionally, keep the expectant world up to date on the goings on in the league.

If you want to participate then you had better sign up soon as there are only about three places left at the time of going to press, a working knowledge of American Football is not essential, just ask Neox and the "Well-Dressed Pickles" who managed to go the entirety of last season without winning or editing the line up, despite it containing six of the worst players in the entire league. Anyone interested in reporting on the fantasy football should submit a report to the press room from where, after some minor editing, we will place it into the next issue and claim it as our own.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

01:30, July 20, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Fnoodle (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (stealing admins' jobs. he's like one of them whatchacallits..... mexicans!)
18:50, July 19, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Mattsnow (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 500 seconds ‎ (Doing what I asked people to do in the UnSignpost; this means he read it before Thursday, this is tantamount to pissing in my face.)
08:31, July 19, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 85.17.151.155 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Theres a party in my pants. But you aren't invited....)
18:10, July 18, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Wanting to be an admin)
20:52, July 14, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Colin "All your base" Heaney (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (too gullible to live)
20:53, July 14, 2011 Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) resurrected Colin "All your base" Heaney (Talk | contribs) ‎ (too rare to die)

Biopic of the Week

Mattsnow should have seen this coming, he should have known that a biopic is the result of hard work, diligence and sincerity... However in his case we have made an exception. For those of you who don't know Mattsnow was noob of the month two months ago which just goes to show that we really do just give it out to anyone. He has written several featured articles; just goes to show that VFH should probably be renamed Bribe for Highlight. He has done pee reviews too and I'm told those are quite good, needless to say I don't believe that, it just goes to show that Pee Review standards have really fallen since my day.

We beg of you not to vote Mattsnow in Writer of the Month this month, remember a vote for Mattsnow is a vote for so-called "quality" and "humour". Unacceptable. Go on, speak to him if you want but don't come crying to us when he's as nice as everyone says he is.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

I Love You

Cajek ban smackdown of the week!

11:45, July 15, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 12.3456789 seconds ‎ (For not being around enough.)
15:32, July 15, 2011 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 07.152011 seconds () ‎ (July 15: International "Ban Cajek" Day celebrations)
19:30, July 15, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 seconds ‎ (international ban Cajek day, you say?)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, July 21, 2011 (UTC)

More class than 9000 schools: It's the UnSignpost![edit source]

Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!

July 28th, 2011 • Issue 131 • Happy Thursday

Forest Fire Spreads, Users Divided

By Chief

Now when it comes to deleting crap articles everybody on Uncyclopedia is on the same side, with the possible exception of Jupiterfox. We want crap articles out in order that we can effectively breed a wiki fit for kings and whoever else might stumble by. It is in the name of pruning the grand bush of humour that Forest Fire Week (or FFW if you are on a tight schedule) has come to be once again. For those of you who have been living under rocks on the surface of Saturn with only the UnSignpost to provide you with news Forest Fire Week involves tagging articles with a tag (duh) and then deleting them after seven days no matter what anyone else says.

Such is the attraction of sending articles into the great infinite that there is a scoreboard on the forum detailing which of the ~~Schutzstaffel~~ participating users has captured the most deviant articles. The amount of tagging is truly tremendous with about 7% of all Uncyclopedia's articles winning themselves a tag. The scoreboard for most articles saved from Forest Fire Week tags is somewhat more subdued with Shabidoo leading the way having saved three, and Thekillerfroggy and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user following along behind having saved 1.5 and 0.5 articles respectively. Those of you looking for a bit of a hoot will not be disappointed to learn that the whole forum is a bit of a giggle as some users sit and sulk because they hate Forest Fire Week but feel too polite to tell anybody.

Nobody will be surprised to learn that this is yet another brainwave from Uncyclopedia's head innovator Dr. Skullthumper who has a vision for Uncyclopedia and it is an Uncyclopedia that remains aerodynamic at high speeds due to the lack of poor articles attached to it. As always the UnSignpost has foregone actually speaking to him, mostly because we don't want our archives to be burned to the ground in the name of quality control. But just remember the good doctor is convinced "Our ancestors would not be proud of us" so we must be going right somewhere.

Forest Fire Week ends on the very day that this splendid periodical has been delivered to you; users are instructed to return to their caves and await Dr. Skullthumper's next brain fart, it won't take long, it'll probably be recommending some kind of cyber upgrade for your brain that will turn us all into Cybermen. Then Doctor Who will have to murder everyone with plastic explosive, before having a final showdown with Dr. Skullthumper as he attempts to escape the exploding factory in his personal Zeppelin.

It could happen.

Users Return. Everything is Ruined.

By Chief

So you've been away from Uncyclopedia for a while, doing.... the garden. After a while you sit down and say "Hey my life is pretty average at the moment; I've finally managed to fit 17 crayons into a single nostril. I'll swing by past Uncyclopedia and all the freaky losers there!". So you do and everything has changed, what was right is now wrong that which once wore parachute pants... continues to wear parachute pants. Yes it seems Uncyclopedia isn't what it used to be as literally two users have reappeared to inform us that everything has gone wrong all of a sudden.

Yes you should all be ashamed of the mess every single one of you have made of their favourite pages. There isn't really a point to this story, it is more a public service announcement. The other point of this story is to inform you all that our principal editor will be unable to write any news next week due to the impending arrival of several "friends" wishing to discuss some of his unfortunate financial liabilities. The UnSignpost therefore requires somebody to write the whole thing next week, attend the tedious meetings and... well that's pretty much it. If interested you should simply write the UnSignpost, it's easy; help us manage an issue every week for an entire year. It beats having real life goals.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

08:31, July 23, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 195.188.227.42 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Removing content from pages: That's so unoriginal I don't even have to type it out, it's on a drop down list; you sir are about as original as the next fifa game, i.e. not at all. IT'S JUST FOOTBALL DAMMIT!)
04:45, July 24, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 66.90.104.57 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite () ‎ (You must be this "piece of shit who eats pieces of his own shit" i hear so much about)
23:16, July 25, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 67.100.64.227 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't kill the nazis, please.)
12:59, July 26, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 71.134.147.97 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (You seem to be doing something wrong, seeing as I'm banning you. You figure it out, I'm too lazy.)
04:36, July 27, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked TheHappySpaceman (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Make better nominations. Also, times new roman??? geez what did you go to private school or something)
09:35, July 24, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Mikefish (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Masterfully done sir, to top it off perhaps you would like to try dangling your genitals in boiling water, it's great!)

Biopic of the Week

“I can't let you edit that Dave”
~ Fnoodle

Well the UnSignpost has already done a biopic on Fnoodle but at the risk of constantly talking about Dr. Skullthumper and his freaky freakness, we are going to do it again now. The reason for this because alongside a whole host of pointless things you don't want to know about, Fnoodle now also delivers the UnSignpost, bans people and deletes articles. This is a splendid outcome, if you want to live in a Terminator film, shortly we will hand over too much power to Fnoodle, he will become self-aware and we will have to live in sewers to escape his humour purges.

This of course is all part of the plan to have the wiki run not by humans who just moan about everything and clog up recent changes with new articles and voting, but by a race of sentient machines. So beware he of the daft username, he knows not what he does... well not at the moment anyway.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

I'm Ready To Bowl Right Now

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, July 28, 2011 (UTC)

ChiefjusticeDS is a lazy sod and has paid the ultimate price... an UnSignpost Coup[edit source]

The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11

August 6th, 2011 • Issue 132 • Happy ~~Thursday~~ Saturday

Abandon Ship. Uncyclopedia is sinking.

By Frosty

Perhaps the very reason why am I writing the UnSignpost for you this week and that it is unforgivably two days late will be the main topic for this weeks top story. And that is that quite simply, everybody is leaving Uncyclopedia.

Many of our long time users (If you haven't left yourself!) agree that it was Mordillo that started that unfortunate trend way back in March of this year. Of course everyone was saddened we paid our respects and moved on, nobody thought it would expand to the hip new trend it was become. Because quite frankly I personally believe most users are simply leaving us for the lulz.

We were of course saddened as we watch MrN9000, SPIKE, Hyperbole, PuppyOnTheRadio, Under user, Todd Lyons, Lyrithya and our UnSignpost editor and many others whom are either not important enough or I simply forget to mention.

Which brings us to the question as to why they are all leaving. Whether its because they've finally got a life, a job and a girlfriend or their simply grumpy with us all doesn't matter. What really matters is you're still here which I am very thankful for <3.

All hail your new UnSignpost editor.

By Frosty

Simply because nobody ever submits any story ideas or suggestions like you are supposed it leaves it up to the editor to improvise on the spot. Something which this re-leaving editor is really poor at. Instead he is going to simply whre about how is a better writer than the normal writer.

He is better simply due to his profound ability to whore out two bullshit stories that any sane person could see a blatant attempt to fill empty white space. Partically true I guess. When I got appointed this task by This guy , I though what could I possibly write about? Forest Fire Week? VFS? How the beloved editor won three awards last month? Well quite simply telling the story of how I arrived at this thrilling yet totally stupid story seemed like the obvious alternative, and if you read this whole thing. Hail Frosty!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

09:54, August 3, 2011 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (UnSignpost Rule of Bans: every issue contains at least 1 ban entry by ChiefjusticeDS - what a narcissist.)
01:00, August 2, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Sanns sock (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (HI SANNSE!)
09:13, July 31, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 months ‎ (See you later)
09:04, July 31, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 66.39.194.156 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (account creation disabled) ‎ (DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU)
00:49, August 2, 2011 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked UPjcm (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes ‎ (Not being Zombiebaron: A volunteer bannee for testing! (thanks :))

Lollipop

Lollipop demanded I mention him. Whore to him here.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, August 6, 2011 (UTC)

More rubbish Australian Prose because ChiefjusticeDS got stabbed in the buttocks by a rioter with a felt-tip pen[edit source]

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

August 11th, 2011 • Issue 133 • Stay Frosty!

And the burning continues

By Frosty

It is so blatantly obvious that this is the thing to to talk about at the moment, so whilst totally disregarding I may be risking talking about it too much, I give you the latest stats on FFW. Quite sadly I say that our article count as at all time low, if you'll refer to exhibit A on the right you will see where I predict Uncyclopedia will eventually sink.

I asked resident ~~vandal~~ admin Dr. Skullthumper about why he instated this controversial act to delete anything the viewer deems shit without a proper vote. He simple replied "Shutup, it's all in the name of progress or whatever that good side is also referred to as. Having a vote would take too long and I like taking shortcuts." You can hardly argue with his ideology and progress. But sadly he disappeared because he fears reprisal from those apposed to the idea.

Perhaps the most strongly against the FFW ~~proposal~~ are Mhaille and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who are both trying to frantically hack up article shortly after it gets deleted, but have both given up saying they are deleting too fast it's not fair! When I asked Mhaille why he was being so silly he put it down to the fact that he really hates Skullthumper, oh and his cat.

So as we watch our article count gradually and then catastrophically spiral downwards think to yourself was the FFW a necessary idea? If in a couple of years down the track you find yourself actually having to emerge from your basement and get a job because Uncyclopedia has finally destroyed itself, at least you'll know exactly who to blame.

Annual Uncyclopedia Summer Extravaganza!

By Frosty

This is perhaps a story I should included in the last UnSignpost but I was too busy whoring about my pro writing skillz and Chiefs absence. So my apologies to those in charge of what appears to be a pretty cool idea for a writing challenge!

For those of you who don't follow the dump, this is a writing competition organized by the somewhat over the top and insane Joe9320, Aimsplode and until quite recently Shabidoo who appears to have vacated his seat as chairperson for the tournament.

The participants are required to split into teams of three in which they are given a mere 16 days and 12 hours (Yes two weeks wasn't going to work), in which to write as many articles as they can on a summer based theme. Which is to say they will write about booze and sex but I guess the whole summer theme was just a cover for that. The articles are submitted for judging in which the winner will be the judges favorite I guess. To be honest I'm putting it down to the admin team to win simply because they can delete all other entries thus eliminating any competition, but hey that's just speculation.

I really hope you're all having fun with the summer comp whilst I and all other southern hemisphere dwelling Uncyclopedians whilst we freeze in this winter, but hey that's what we get for being Australian!

Having a riot in London

By Chief

Would anybody like a free television?

Check out these pages!

Because he's either dead or just hating us, the editor special:

08:23, August 7, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 257 seconds ‎ (Have a nice cup of mud to celebrate this, the latest of your non-achievements. Also cheers for doing the USP, I liked it because I was in it.)
17:22, August 7, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Human Nutsack (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Trying to archive my talk page for me.)
17:36, August 6, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Olipro (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (The first rule of the UnSignpost club is that you don't draw attention to my blatant whoring of my hilarious bans, incidentally, I'm putting this one in. Just try and stop me.)
09:35, July 24, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Mikefish (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Masterfully done sir, to top it off perhaps you would like to try dangling your genitals in boiling water, it's great!)

Biopic of the Week

Well he definitely should have seen this coming, so yes I am going to talk to you about the Uncyclopedian called PoopManPoop

For those less important individuals PoopManPoop won noob of the month in June in an absolute landslide crushing all available competition in true Uncyclopedian fashion simply because his name made everybody giggle.

Since then I regret to inform PMP hasn't been very active at all only popping in every few days at best to make a couple of edits and then vanish all over again. I speculate he may be a total IRCfag, which is to say he lives on #uncyclopedia as apposed to doing anything constructive, whilst he simple may have better things to do.

UnSignpost words of the week

Cephalectomy - Total removal of the brain. Yummy!
Gozmesky - The act of impersonating a man from San Marino
Nujpwi - The smell of soiled underwear.
Zaackaus - Used muppet skin.
Zeegoor - T-shirt of a rock group which you are now too embarrassed to wear in public.
Daifinguator - A lover of silly words.

Truefax

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, August 11, 2011 (UTC)

Now it only wants you gone; it's the UnSignpost![edit source]

Now with 20% more ninjas!

August 18th, 2011 • Issue 134 • Have a Dumpling.

It's Kicking Off

By Chief

A little while ago, when the world was young and we were actually interviewing people instead of making up vaguely racist quotes, the UnSignpost ran a story on the #uncyclopedia IRC channel. At the time we could have raised issues about it being a wholly separate community where the rules of the site blur into a haze of... haziness, but we didn't; we were far too busy making jokes about penises and the abundance of jokes on the same to be found on IRC. Now, once again, IRC has been thrust into the limelight and a great deal of hand-wringing and swearing has inevitably been the consequence.

Yes, this is the news that once again the cruel spectre of drama hovers above the wiki as Lyrithya has decided that there are several problems that need addressing. Number one: she would like a trip to Europe but doesn't have the disposable income, number 2: Uncyclopedia sucks , number 3: there are not enough forum topics about problem number two. She has set out to remedy the horrendous forum deficiency by creating two with deceptively enjoyable titles. The serious point to these forums revolves around the accountability of the administrators, which Lyrithya feels there is not enough of. The forum topics are the usual; huge blocks of text with no humorous comments about the Power Rangers anywhere in sight. It's all very sad and will probably end with someone leaving and vowing never to return.

The other vitally important news is that Zombiebaron reports that the Forest Fire Week huffing has finished, a full two weeks after Forest Fire Week finished. When asked to comment on the less than speedy huffage of all these articles, Zombiebaron had this to say: "Zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron! Zombiebaron?" which surprised us since we didn't even know he played the violin. Now all that we need to attend to are the thousands and thousands of broken redirects which MadMax spent countless hours creating to make everyone's lives easier. Now he has the honour of watching them be destroyed in the name of making the wiki better.

Happy Thursday everyone.

R.I.P Roman Dog Bird

By Frosty

It is with great sadness that we report that our long time friendly, disturbing, creepy, dirty, often autistic admin Roman Dog Bird has apparently left for some reason, a departure he announced with a rather dramatic yawn, a shame, as his ban reasons are probably the closest things to actual humour we have on Uncyclopedia. This reporter in particular found his often unjustified bannings of IPs, deletions of memorable pages and general disrespect for authority truly inspiring.

On a side note, RAHB decided to return this week as part of a poorly concealed attempt to cover up the disappearance of another partially departed admin, Dr. Skullthumper. We would like to encourage all readers to welcome RAHB back by telling him how much Frank Zappa sucks on his talk page; apparently he likes that.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

00:13, August 14, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (Let's see if I still know how to joke ban...ummm....penis.)
09:16, August 14, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 109.121.74.29 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 Days ‎ (Ironic that you have a link to an IQ test, since you seem like a complete idiot)
02:40, July 4, 2011 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Skully made me op for 5 minutes to ban you HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
12:48, August 15, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 432 seconds ‎ (Only I am permitted to whore my bans in the UnSignpost, it's safest for everyone that way.)
02:29, August 17, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 165.228.227.254 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (a terminal case of faggot fever)

Biopic of the Week

Uncyclopedia get its fair share of users that come and go, as well as its fair share of users who simply turn into VFD lurkers and IRC In-jokes. As such, it is high time we discussed a certain user who fits both categories. Yes, it's Bizzeebeever's turn to be the subject of this week's biopic!

Bizzeebever originally joined us in late June, and was quite a silly n00b, but like many, after being repeatedly hit in the head with a hammer he sort of ~~grew up a bit~~ began to earn his keep. Now he can be seen loitering around VFD and IRC clutching his head; it's okay, Bizzeebeever, we're done hurting you. For now.

If you'd like to congratulate him on how far he's come, go ahead; just don't take a hammer or he'll probably run away.

Birthday of the week

ChiefjusticeDS's birthday was on Tuesday. He celebrated by getting hit in the head with a brick.

FACTS! Did you know:

...that work is the curse of the drinking class?
...that sometimes violence is the answer, albeit a very violent one?
...that Frosty really needs to stop trying to edit the UnSignpost?

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:11, August 18, 2011 (UTC)

Wonko tiddlybum-post[edit source]

The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!

August 25th, 2011 • Issue 135 • Pudding anyone?

Illogicopedia is stealing our ideas again

By Athyria

In an entirely precedented move, Illogicopedia has yet again stolen our proud Uncyclopedian traditions. Yes, they've finally done it, they've finally taken for their own everything that we at the UnSignpost proudly stood for, making a mockery of our fine establishment by starting up their own newspaper, the Illogicopedian Times. Or restarting, really; Readmesoon et all managed to put out a whole three issues in 2009 before getting arrested for snorting bumblebees or something, or whatever Illogicopedians do in their spare time, so technically the current is a continuation of that.

But even more shocking than that, the Illogicpedia Times is doing well; after the announcement of its revival with the release of a dummy issue and a call for contributors, Illogicopedians have actually been contributing. Almost immediately two new issues were created; while these two were both a little too well-done for a proper ?pedian publication, the worst bits were merged into the first new issue, which has already been released to tremendous apathy on their end, and outrage on ours. But this was plural Illogicopedians, unlike the usually singular Uncyclopedian or two who invariably finds itself desperately floundering for topics to write about for our publications, and as we all know, nothing ever even happens on ?pedia, so how do they do it? What are we doing wrong?

The answer, my friends, is nothing. We aren't doing anything wrong; they simply stole all our ideas and used those to write their own, and having not written any of their own in so long, they had all our back issues to comb. We suggest going to Readmesoon's talkpage and mocking him and the other editors thoroughly when they inevitably run out of said ideas to steal; it shouldn't take terribly long seeing as we never really had many to begin with.

Meantime, perhaps we need more Zombiebaron.

Please help me.

By Zombiebaron

Please help me. I am trapped in a well. It is very dark and cold down here. I was flying a kite and looking up at the sky when I fell down here by mistake. Please send me food.

(To send food to Zombiebaron, please enclose all foods within a handmade envelope and address the envelope the P.O. Box 9912203288-402B at your local train station)

Urinal issues

By Lyrithya

Due to a recent shortage of plumbers, some of the urinals in the men's restroom have been backing up. As such, we at the UnSignpost would like to urge all readers to tread carefully in there, and if possible, try to lend a hand in the clean up.

More news to come as the situation becomes more dire.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

04:20, August 19, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Eblog.net (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (dicks2dicks@dicks.dicks)
20:55, August 20, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Uncyclopedia sucks hard (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (you suck hard. no, harder. harder than that. come onnnnn, give me more... jesus, is that the best you can do? no wonder your boyfriend won't talk to you.)
07:38, August 22, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked AssassinNips (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I love shit as much as the next guy. Sometimes I even like to use it in the shower in lieu of soap. But when you start getting into smelling it....you're just weird, man.)
11:40, August 21, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (If you come near me I'll rip your nipples off)
06:38, August 23, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.169.192.208 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I was only following orders)

Uncyclopedia Birthday!

Frosty would like you all to know that on the 27th, he will have completed his first year on Uncyclopedia. He seems to want gifts. He also seems to think he's the new UnSignpost editor, little realising that the old UnSignpost editor never left. Not the writer; that lovely fellow is currently on vacation. But his editor is still here and demands that Frosty either put on the leather chicken suit NOW and submit before her giant banana or... well, actually, he doesn't really have much choice in the matter. Poor dear. If only he'd known what he was getting into. Happy birthday?

Not a threat.

I seriously spent hours racking my brains trying to think of what to write for the damn UnSignpost! I mean I sat here full on thinking I wasn't going to get this all set for delivery on time. So I put this to you, as the new editor:

“

Start sending in idea, or no UnSignpost next week!

”

— Frosty

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, August 25, 2011 (UTC)

Mailman's here! Lock up your daughters and horny middle-aged Wives![edit source]

Now with 20% more ninjas!

September 1st, 2011 • Issue 136 • DWIII is a loser.

Spambots!

By Lollipop

Recently, an evil army of spambots has laid siege to Uncyclopedia. While most users went on in blissful ignorance, the rollbacks loaded their guns, the admins loaded their cannons, and Sannse took one look and didn't load her checkuser. "You're overreacting," she would have said had anyone asked her, which they didn't.

These spambots are known for their random edit summaries and their apparent praise of the wiki, apparent because they have been all too happy to spread the very same praise around other sites as well, the whores: "This really helped me, I know so much now," said one of the spambots when cornered by a bin of potatoes. It later said the exact same thing regarding a deleted page.

As always, the UnSignpost urges all readers to confront these bots and tell them they're doing it wrong, that they are adopted and how their mothers never hugged them, as well as that their coding is deprecated and their owner runs them through Internet Explorer, losers. And for those of you who prefer the usual blah blah blah to stop them, that also remains an option.

This is just plain Unacceptable!

By Anselmo The Magnificent

Drama. You never know where it's going to strike. You never know when it's going to strike. You never know how or why it's going to strike. And dare I say, there are times when you cannot be altogether very sure at all what it's going to strike. One thing is for certain, though; here at Uncyclopedia, we do a bloody poor job of it, and in the name of Klaus Nomi and his immaculate hair, we should all be ashamed!

There are not enough bad things going on! Everywhere one looks it's another pathetic little pissing fight about something as insignificant as BUTT POOP!!!!, or a misdirected conservative whining about retards. Enough, I say! This is child's play! Gone are the glorious days of perpetual Uncyclopedia flame-wars, the legends such as Talk:Euroipods forever eluding the minds of today's generation of shit-raisers and stink-throwers! What of the glory that was NXWave, and his numerous sockpuppets? What of the majestic splendor of the great Aspie war?

Uncyclopedians, you have disgraced your heritage! You have almost made this a pleasant place to reside! Do you realize that? This week I challenge you, oh alleged patrons of flamewars and troll-being, to take a look at yourselves, and you will soon realize that your true purpose has been eluding you for all of these years. It's time we stand up and yell! Scream! WHINE like you mean it! Whine like you whined on your first day of kindergarten when your mother drove away! Whine like a prom queen suddenly and unexpectedly drafted into the Armed Forces! Whine like your forefathers and their forefathers before them! CAUSE A STIR! CAUSE A REVOLUTION! CAUSE CHAOS!

But most importantly....cause a drama. Thank you.

Frosty wants to know how he's doing.

By Not Frosty

He's doing horribly. He is not a better editor than that other guy, who at least had the decency to bring me bribes of frappes and muffins.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

08:54, August 28, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Inebriated (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 hours ‎ (HI DRUNK GUY! I'M ACTUALLY NOT dRUNK RIGHT NOW FOR A CHANGE. CAN YOU TELL?)
05:46, August 29, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 65.49.14.72 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Go rape your own children. Stay away from ours.)
10:44, August 27, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.191.39.2 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...)
12:29, August 28, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 59.100.20.207 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (We don't care about your sexual orientation.)
03:10, August 31, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked WTFak47MAN (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I really hate to do this because you're hilarious, man. But I also really love to do this, because fuck you.)

Biopic of the Week

Ah, biopic of the week, potentially the most controversial part of the UnSignpost simply for what it is, a section about users... and yet somehow, it never really stands up to the other sections; the users themselves are rarely so bad as what they do, and as such we are proud to announce that Aimsplode... is the exception to this?

Nonetheless, he is our lucky subject for this week's biopic, who, after several long days of dredging up drama, insulting people, subsequently getting banned, going on IRC, annoying people, continuing to annoy people, and annoying Zombiebaron, subsequently got banned there, too, and finally settled down a bit. This was actually pretty impressive; the only unfortunate thing is that more people don't do this; if they did, the admins might have more to do and thus might stop being so cranky all the time. For shame, people!

But kudos to Aimsplode, because you are indeed something special; we could use more of that.

Birthday of the Week

Lollipop celebrated his 1st year of Uncyclopedia on Tuesday. In honour of this prestigious event that has been on-going for the past two weeks, we at the UnSignpost are proud to present him with this block of poisoned cheese in an attempt to get him to stop talking about it already.

Er, that is, enjoy your cheese!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, September 1, 2011 (UTC)

This UnSignpost brought to you by... uh... fairy dust? Hmm, we seem to have run out of sponsors.[edit source]

The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!

September 8th, 2011 • Issue 137 • This is still going? How?

New urinals to be installed

By Athyria

As you are no doubt aware, having been following the UnSignpost religiously like every good Uncyclopedian does, we recently reported on the decrepit state of the Uncyclopedian urinals. In the weeks since, the lavatories have been undergoing repairs following an in-depth investigation into the matter conducted out of sheer paranoia. It would seem this paranoia was warranted, however, because the entire messy affair was apparently caused by some idiot getting the bright idea to pour a vat of rubber cement down a broken toilet.

If you have any information that might lead to the identity of the culprit, please, report it to the authorities. A forum has also been created to aid in the cleanup; if you would like to aid in the efforts, or would simply prefer to point and laugh at your smelly peers as they help install new urinals, that would be the place to go.

This is just plain acceptable.

By Anselmo The Magnificent

Greetings, Uncyclopedians. You may remember me from our previous issue, in which I mercilessly berated the lot of you for being a pathetic bunch of whiny losers who wouldn't know a good drama if it bit them on the nose. Beating the ever-loving shit out of your self-respect, I then left you with a challenge. To "most importantly, cause a drama." Within the past week, you've really shown me something.

Congratulations are in order! Rejoice, Uncyclopedia! For you have not only caused a drama, you have in fact become The Drama! Your armpits reek of the glorious B.O. of internet drama, and that reek is really getting me off! Fear no more, for as long as thine hearts remain impure, and your bellies full of Mountain Dew, you shall never stray off the path of utter boorish piss-fighting again! I will make sure of that, watching over your future endeavors of pointlessness like a guardian magical angel with a funny Irish hat.

You deserve it. You have reached the very top of the mountain, like some flaming golden eagle, majestically flying across the sky, shitting all over everything in its path...majestically. Don't listen to what your detractors say. Your constant bickering is UNITING the very country of Uncyclopedia, like some sort of annoying super glue that causes a rash if it comes into contact with human skin. You should be proud! You should be elated! You should be madly stroking yourself off at the very prospect of being the very best dramanator the world has ever seen!!

But seriously, you can stop it now.

Wikimedia Commons is as horrible as us.

By Lyrithya

While this should come as no surprise to those of you immersed in the affairs of Wikimedia, assuming there are any of you immersed in that, we at the UnSignpost recently found ourselves quite horrified (and strangely aroused) by the images to be found on Wikimedia's servers after an anonymous source informed us of what currently qualifies as a feature. Specifically, yaoi porn.

While for the sake of all our manhood we probably shouldn't repeat the URL here, for the sake of all our women and our gays, we're going to link it anyway. Enjoy, ladies. And gays.

For the rest of you, however, there is a very important lesson to be realised from this: our own situation here on Uncyclopedia really isn't all that bad. Sure, we've been featuring an unusual amount of articles explicitly about the male member this week (unlike the more typical ones implicitly about it), but none of them were quite this explicit, were they?

No, really, were they? We didn't actually read any of them on account of being too busy researching this other matter for the sake of you lot. We do this all for you! It's all for you!

Hello?

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

10:03, September 1, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 209.141.58.184 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (This block is only one week long, because blanking VFS took some serious balls. Or, to be more accurate, some serious big hairy penis.)
10:18, September 2, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 178.18.131.234 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (You always make my night, wang-vandal. I just can't be angry when I see your characteristic smiley :D)
04:12, September 3, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 minutes ‎ (Posting in a Users Only forum. Abuse of powers! (dont worry this isnt autoblocked))
08:19, September 3, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (Talk | contribs) ‎ (Would you believe I was trying to ban an IP and I pressed the wrong ban button on recent changes?)
14:50, September 5, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.10.100.33 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (fuck the fuck off)

Biopic of the Week
Ah, what can be said about Klaus Nomi Wearing An Irish Hat? While one of the greatest German countertenors of our time, or any, what Klaus is probably most well known for in the modern age is his disturbing propensity for being present at the scene of any and all crimes, as though he were omnipresent.

Over the years, this has become an understood facet of society, and most of the time he can now be easily ignored as if he were never there in the first place. This is not entirely difficult to do, considering the fact that every time he shows up at a shooting, robbery, yard sale massacre, etc., he only finds it necessary to stand completely and absolutely still whilst observing the ongoing madness, occasionally taking the time to put on a silly Irish hat and dance a disturbing and disruptive jig before snapping back to his typical demeanor.

While this makes Klaus an incredibly creepy person to be around, and we at Uncyclopedia typically use it as a regular excuse to exclude him from the annual Christmas party and Casual Fridays, we're still happy to have him, nonetheless. You go, Klaus!

Cat of the Week

This is Terumvra. He's very scary.

I found him eating my plants and now he won't go away and he's been holding me hostage! Help!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 01:11, September 8, 2011 (UTC)

The UnSignpost: Now with free bacon![edit source]

The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

September 15th, 2011 • Issue 138 •My News Hungers for Justice

Poo and Pee

By Chief

As we draw closer to the close of the summer, many Uncyclopedians find themselves casting about, searching for a way to manifest their creative talents before they all have to go back to school and learn how to add up big numbers. It is therefore fitting that two competitions will be hosted this month in order to alleviate the pain in your pants.

The first is Pee Week, which began on Tuesday; this competition ran last year as well and was a great success in clearing the Pee backlog down to about 17 pages and was critically acclaimed by all 4 participants. Now, once again, all members of PEEING are summoned to the edge of the bowl to help clear a blockage which, according to RAHB, is "Backed up like a fat gerbil in a small tube". The competition this time has been started by Lyrithya; you know her, she's the crazy dame with all the wacky ideas about "Accountability" and "Standards". When asked to make a quick speech to commemorate the start of Pee Week she didn't say anything, so we made something up: "I now declare the revels open", she might have said. The rules are very simple: do reviews, wait in mounting anticipation for your review to be checked, list it here, move out of parents house, win a template, kiss a lady. It's that simple.

The other competition that loomed into view this week was the PLS, our biggest writing competition. It's so cool that some of you may wish to beat box while reading the rest of this story so you feel like you're in "da club", because that's cool, right? This competition is being hosted by a harsh spunk-chugger who had plenty to say to the UnSignpost about the PLS, but as we unfortunately have other stories to get onto this week, we cannot provide you with any of the 73 page interview. Luckily Zombiebaron was on hand to say a quick word about the PLS: "Zombiebaron".

The competition is very much the same as it has been, except this year the Best Alternate Namespace Article category has been dropped in favour of a Best Collaboration category, a controversial move due to the poor performance of such a category in previous years. ChiefjusticeDS had no comment to make about this, preferring instead to talk to our correspondent about his new book, "My Shit Life in 4,000 Pages". The competition starts on the 20th of this month, but judges are needed to judge (duh) the categories and there are still some spots available - see here for information and general blabbering about aircraft carriers and whatnot.

Vandals destroy Uncyclopedia

By Bizzeebeever

In a massive meme fight which no one bothered to pay attention to until it was too late, two psychotic neurotic narcissists utterly destroyed the once-proud institution known as Uncyclopedia.

"I banned them both for eternity!" said Uncyclopedia nanny Lyrithya, with tears in her eyes. "But their actions had already set in motion a horrible, horrible doom for us all, just like building that suburb on top of an Indian burial ground in the movie Poltergeist caused a hell-mouth to open. Oh, God. *shifty eyes*"

The two vandals, who had been writing a rapidly-devolving series of articles incorporating the motif of a talking polar bear, apparently became so inane that their stupidity-streams crossed, tearing a crack in the Uncyclopedia space-time continuum. Suddenly, every Uncyclopedia article became commingled with its Encyclopedia Dramatica version. The entire Lovecraftian horror was quickly destroyed by a nuclear-armed United Nations hit squad.

The cheeky monkeys, known as Izbeenoneweek and Bizzeebeever, are believed to be recovering from their wounds somewhere in their respective mothers' basements, however the future looks far from rosy for either of them. Various current and past Uncyclopedians, ranging from SPIKE to TheHumbucker to Zombiebaron, are said to be pissed to the point of wanting to track the two pranksters down and kill them with an iron-bound physical copy of HTBFANJS.

"I'm coming back to the charred remains of Uncyclopedia, just to kill these fuckers," said Dr. Skullthumper. "Oh, by the way, hi, Lyrithya."

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

09:52, September 8, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.36.44.72 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (You and Zac need to sit down and wank all these pesky little differences away)
06:33, September 10, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 193.200.150.82 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Have you been following me? I would have let you join in if you'd only asked.)
19:27, September 13, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 207.191.188.66 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Please stop sucking. It's really getting uncomfortable.)
08:26, September 13, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Samt1337 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (No, sir, the Piss-off hasn't started yet. Why don't you come back in...forever.)
21:07, September 11, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked GEORGIEGIBBONS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Blocks follow bans in necessary circumstances, or so the wikipedians tell me.)
10:55, September 11, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 911 minutes ‎ (NEVER FORGET those old archived forums you bumped in the name of PATRIOTISM)

Biopic of the Week

Right, big news out of the way first: nobody is the biopic this week. Hard luck; perhaps you'll be the biopic next week. This week. the UnSignpost is navel-gazing again and thanking the staff of the UnSignpost for the hard work they have put in on the UnSignpost. Who are these people? They answer questions, eat my biscuits, write the stories while I'm dancing with lorry drivers and they also eat my biscuits. They have taken up the slack admirably and we should all afford them a moment of respect. Whoever they are.

OK, that was fun. However do any of you remember the UnSignpost dog? Yes? Congratulations; you are not as daft as the UnSignpost team, because they certainly couldn't. I saw him crammed into a tiny corner of last week's issue with hardly any room to breathe, frolic or fetch. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. To make up for this unforgivable lapse he's in this issue twice.

When asked to comment, the UnSignpost dog gave this scathing indictment of the UnSignpost team: "Woof".

Reason to leave Uncyclopedia #64

There's no free bacon with this issue.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Uncyclopedia Didn't Start The Fire

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:11, September 15, 2011 (UTC)

Brought to you by Lion Bars! It's the UnSignpost![edit source]

The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH

September 22nd, 2011 • Issue 139 •Lion Bars, so many Lion Bars.

Lion Bar Week

By Chief

All good things must come to an end, and so, apparently, must everything else, as Pee Week successfully concluded on Tuesday of this week, having encouraged users to complete a whole 23 reviews! This mammoth undertaking means that it now takes only 10 minutes to scroll to the bottom of the Pee queue, and truly showcased the difference the promise of a special template can bring. One of the competition rewards is a "write-up" for the winner in the UnSignpost about "Their general awesomeness". Despite having attempted to explain that we don't do nice write-ups here and offering to publicly rubbish the families and friends of the winner instead, we eventually agreed to provide said write-up in return for a week's supply of Lion Bars. I mean, Lion Bars! I didn't even know you could get them in shops any more! If you break them in half it's like a Lion's Mouth, I mean it's like "ROOOOAR"!

Anyway, so as we sat down, with a week's supply of Lion Bars, no less, to prepare this "glowing write-up" (which we were only doing because we got free Lion Bars). We thought it might be prudent to find out who had won Pee Week, and it turns out that the big winner is Frosty. Well, not really; we're the real winners because we got free Lion Bars. However, assuming success is not measured in Lion Bars (which it is), Frosty has indeed won.

Frosty is a truly spiffing chap whose ability to Pee is only surpassed by his ability to eat Lion Bars; we do after all have a week's supply of Lion Bars so we could afford to share some with him. Frosty completed 6 in-depth reviews over the course of Pee Week, all of which we are sure were thoughtful, interesting and well-written. When asked to comment on his success, Frosty had this to say: "Well of course, it wasn't about the rewards and recognition, it was about- are those Lion Bars?"

All the other people we interviewed about Frosty all told us he was fantastic, but he was quickly forgotten when our interviewees discovered that we had a sack full of Lion Bars with us and they only lapsed into further raptures of joy when we revealed that you can snap Lion Bars in half and roar. There you have it: Frosty is pretty awesome for winning Pee Week, but not quite as awesome as a week's supply of Lion Bars.

"ROOOOOAR"

Editor's note: Whether or not this is considered a "glowing" write-up is neither here nor there; we have an expert (kindly referred to us by the good people at Lion Bars) who is prepared to testify that this story is 200% more cheerful than usual. The editor would also like to thank everyone who was involved in Pee Week for their hard work in helping to clear the Pee queue.

News from the Forums

By Chief

You all love the forums right? Of course you do; everyone loves a good shout (IN CAPS!) and a spot of drama. So this week the UnSignpost has checked out the forums to tell you what is really going on on Uncyclopedia. First up is the most important news - the Poo Lit Surprise started on Tuesday and we have dispatched our roving reporters to the competition in order to interview participants, write stories and other journalistic stuff you wouldn't understand. We understand that the competition is expecting record turnout this year, with six articles submitted at the time of going to press. Six! Next you'll be telling us that people vote on VFP more than once every six months and that more than two people know how to use the new abuse filter.

The other fascinating topic in the forum is that of the sidebar. You see it there at the side? Well that's the sidebar, clue's in the name. Basically Lyrithya thinks the sidebar is unacceptable; there are just too many links on it. The solution? Voting and lots of it; with 45 voting headers in the forum at the time of going to press, even Uncyclopedia's most avid voters will be able to get their daily voting fix here. The UnSignpost invites users to go over and create their very own voting header and vote for that as that seems to be exactly what everyone else is doing. Assuming Uncyclopedia hasn't disappeared in some kind of voting singularity by next week, the UnSignpost will be here to explain to you exactly what is going on with the sidebar, something which at the moment is being shaped almost solely by Mattsnow, Aimsplode and TheHappySpaceman, with occasional input from Zombiebaron and Socky. We don't think we need to explain to you why this is not right.

The other stuff in the forum is about Hyperbole reaching 50.5 features, the site notice being filled with bodily fluids, a bumped forum from about seven months ago and this forum which has been going for about 3 weeks now, and, like the Panda in Zombiebaron's first book, just needs to have its brain consumed and die.

Check out all our Lion Bars!

From our logs:

08:32, September 17, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Joebloe334 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Wait, I don't get it. Don't your poorly-manicured enormous Jew claws hurt the black men's enormous dongs? Eh. To each their own, I suppose.)
11:55, September 18, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked PuppyOnTheRadio (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 324 seconds ‎ (saw you on Twitter, existing. This riled me. So I'm banning you. Fair?)
09:23, September 15, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked David 1981 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I hope you realize that 95% of computers come with a free version of solitare)
15:01, September 19, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.40.253.85 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (U MAD @ HAVING NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE ONLY TIRED INTERNET MEMES AND A TOTAL LACK OF CREATIVITY WHICH YOU MASK WITH YOU PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT TROLLING, BRAH?)
14:27, September 18, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.4.128.234 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (We discriminate against gibberish speakers around here.)

Biopic of the Week

Well, as you all know, the UnSignpost has a very special place for Biopic of the week, namely somewhere that isn't in the UnSignpost. As for the last two weeks we have avoided biopicing an actual person, preferring to biopic chairs, dogs and a picture instead. Well, no more, because this week we are taking a closer look at TheSlyFox. He's been around since 2006 but didn't pick up his first ban until this year which, we believe, means he is a troublemaker, a villain and a cad. All people of quality are banned within their first year. Worse, he didn't subscribe to the UnSignpost until this year either. He has written a few articles and his greatest achievement is the creation of this template.

Truly this man is the greatest mystery Uncyclopedia has to offer; nobody knows who he is or what he does, but one thing's for certain: if he isn't nominating your favourite images to be burned in Forest Fire Week, he's quietly working away at an article or voting on the voting pages. You know, just like you should all be doing. Good work, TheSlyFox, but we want at least two featured articles before December or we're removing the second paragraph of this biopic, don't think we won't.

I have your dog.

Note from Lyrithya

To you know who you are: I still have your dog. I know I already said you won't ever see her again, but I've changed my mind - if you ever want to see her again, there is one thing you can do for me. Give me your other dog. Or a Lion Bar.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Bobby Brown Goes Down (PMRC Edition)

Reason to stay on Uncyclopedia #1

You might get free Lion Bars!

OK, we're definitely done with the whole Lion Bars thing now.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 07:42, September 22, 2011 (UTC)

Hold onto your wage packets! It's the UnSignpost![edit source]

Just like Grandma used to make!

September 29th, 2011 • Issue 140 •A Periodical for the Uncyclopedian of tomorrow, today!

Poo Underway

By Chief

What's that you say? We can't possibly run a story on the Poo Lit Surprise for a third consecutive week? Well what on earth gave you that idea? No this story is about the other goings on on Uncyclopedia that certainly aren't the Poo Lit Surprise, which incidentally is happening at the moment. So for absolutely no real reason we called in to speak to Oliphaunte who we found crying his eyes out somewhere that most certainly wasn't the PLS. "It's just so unfair" he sobbed to our wholly unsympathetic reporters "I worked so hard and now on a technicality I have had two articles disqualified from the-" Unfortunately a huge Rhinocerous then appeared from nowhere and ate Oliphaunte before he could tell us what he had been disqualified from; much to the delight of our assembled reporters who could all now knock off work forty minutes early. However an interesting fact that we did dig up is that if Oliphaunte had been disqualified from the PLS, something which we can't confirm, it would make him the first Uncyclopedian to ever be disqualified from two separate PLS categories, for the same reason, in the same day. Ha ha ha, how embarrassing that would be.

It has also come to the attention of our editorial team that there is a worrying noob shortage on Uncyclopedia, how do they know this? They know this because on passing the PLS page on our way to... peace and quiets we happened to notice that there are currently no entrants for the best noob article category, something which any aspiring new users should take note of, since you need only churn out a piece of utter ~~shite~~ quality in order to scoop the prize and earn the adoration of your peers. For those who are interested in trifling, uninteresting and unrelated news, PLS articles are being accepted until the 4th of October so there is still ample time for you to pen some kind of hilarious article about a Dog called Dover who rides a cloud around the world and combats the environmental effects of Globalisation with a magical beret.

This story has been all about the PLS, we totally fooled you.

Shame and VFH

By Chief

The headline says it all. The shame that we all should feel for the state of things and the location of that shame. This is the news that VFH hit a new and highly interesting low this week. All five of you who visited the page may well have noticed the banner at the top (which is gone now, in a transparent attempt to stop me having something else to ramble about this week) declaring that while we aren't short on articles that the community thinks are worthy of a spot on the front page, we are short of a community to confirm this. Well no we aren't it's just they are all very very busy. Frosty for instance is exceptionally busy creating and maintaining forums like this, while Aimsplode is still desperately flogging the deceased equine that is this... thing. Clearly these people are not to be distracted by the social niceties of voting and the creative process.

Another, much more interesting revelation this week came when TheHappySpaceman declared his hatred of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" which polls show has recently become more popular among Uncyclopedians than www.pornforsadlonelybastards.com. We didn't bother asking him for comment, partly because laziness is next to Godliness but also because he hates ponies so is unlikely to find a group of journalists asking him for quotes about the same any more enjoyable. So there you have it, TheHappySpaceman hates ponies and nobody is voting on VFH. Truly these are the darkest of days.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

19:27, September 24, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked 217.39.99.250 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (If you're going to blank a page, just edit the entire page and remove everything. Doing it section by section is just silly.)
13:17, September 24, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.182.0.109 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Redirect insults. Now there's something you don't see every day.)
16:28, September 27, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Swagswagswag (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (One day for being chronically unfunny, the rest of it because I just don't like you. Your eyes are too close together.)
21:33, September 26, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 59.183.148.10 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Uncyclopedia is not for self promotion. Neither is Wikipedia, but I guess they haven't figured it out yet or something.)
18:42, September 23, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 173.19.198.60 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Let us have a massive rave covered in excrement. In fact I'm going to have one now. On my own. With glowsticks!)

Biopic of the Week

I kissed a lady once. On an unrelated note you should really check out Sapplerx's userpage. It's pretty cool.

This periodical fully accepts and affirms that this is a cop-out. We just ate too many Lion Bars you see. I didn't even think that was possible.

Thing we should all know this week.

04:25 Uncyclopedia talk:Votes for deletion‎ (diff|hist) . . (+8) . . Bizzeebeever (Talk|contribs) (RANT ALERT: Once again, fixing my broken signature, and hoping no one notices.)

Bad news Bizzeebeever, we all noticed. For shame.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

White trash girl

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

-- 01:14, September 29, 2011 (UTC)

A day late, because ChiefjusticeDS got lazy: The UnSignPost![edit source]

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

October 6th, 2011 • Issue 141 •Am I still on that fecking island?

It's all over!

By Frosty

Well obviously people are getting sick of hearing about it (because ChiefjusticeDS has done nothing but blab about it for the past 3 issues, thus making it dull and boring by the time it is actually worth mentioning), but the bi-annual Uncyclopedia:Poo Lit Surprise is locked for judging and shall be until the 12th, when the winner will be announced!

I have to say, as a judge, there are some pretty aspiring, feature worthy works being displayed and it really bring out the best of Uncyclopedia. But then again, some works don't look like they are quite finished and the 2 weeks have simply flown past for some of the hopefuls. I am also disappointed that our n00bs where two n00bish to actually include any entries except for one, which has subsequently won without any effort. Anyway I'm pretty sure we know who has the best article and will therefore win the whole ordeal.

But really, what will become of all this? Further proof that all Uncyclopedians are a series of monkeys on typewriters? Or some top notch quality humor for the enjoyment of all and enough features to fill the queue until Christmas? Well I'm going to play it by ear, and wait until the judging part is over and done with. Because as far as I can see if our writers are as competent at our judges, there is no hope what so ever.

JUDGES GET JUDGING, OR YOU'LL BE VERY VERY SORRY INEED!

The bitch is back!

By Frosty

Oh yes, a phrase used all too frequently to indicate some loser is indeed amongst us again. Tom mayfair, a user who has been largely dorment since 2008 has made an epic comeback in the past week swearing eternal allegiance to the cause once more. He came barging in demanding his sysop powers back (with success I might add) and got right back down to editing again. Good work Tom!

But this of course makes us all wonder where the hell the lad has been for the last couple of years, after all he only made a groundbreaking 6 edits in 2010. So why the hell has his sad domestic life become more important than us suddenly? Well the truth is, he's got a wife or something as far as I've been told told over IRC and so he is probably more preoccupied with the better things in life, rather than some sad little websites full of people who can't write to save their lives.

I therefore hate the loser for making a mockery out of us all.

We're going to lose our precious talk pages!

By Frosty

Oh yeah, because wikia is all bright 'n'all, we're going to be losing our talk pages for some fancy pants message walls kind of like facebook. Users have expressed outrage to this, in the form of angry forums, flame wars, letter bombs and urban terrorism. I don't blame 'em either, this is just plain unacceptable, I have a list there of people that owe me money!

Anyway the petition is 'ere, go add your name to the over 200 that are already there for all the good it'll do. Now back to my sulking about my precious talk page...

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

07:37, September 30, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 300 seconds ‎ (Rasputin, bring forth the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers)
08:01, October 2, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 108.9.10.18 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Nothing better than sitting down to a nice big plate of penis in the evening)
02:51, October 3, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Lollipop (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Wanted me deopped... )
01:09, October 6, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked PIGGY (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a frying pan. Yep. ‎ (I can see those button eyes. They might fool the people at the button club, but not me. I stopped going to that place years ago.)
04:21, October 6, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked An eggplant (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Lyrithya sock)
22:30, October 6, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Scofield (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I'm sure your stay would have been more smooth if you tried as hard to contribute to the site as you do to vandalize it.)

Biopic of the Week

This week's biopic is Pee review. Many of you who participated in Pee Week recently have not done a review since then. Please get reviewing again, so that we don't have a huge back log to review and Lyrithya doesn't start flailing all over the place again. This writer has done one this month and plans to do another once he delivers the UnSignpost.

Follow his example and review an article today, there is a prize involved you know?

List of others who are also back, but unworthy of a whole section to their name

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Shit... Shit... Shit...

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 01:34, October 7, 2011 (UTC)

Generic UnSignpost header[edit source]

Better sign it.

October 27th, 2011 • Issue 142 •Woop Woop! it's the sound of the ~~Police~~ UnSignpost!

Regular Servicing

By Chief

Over the past two weeks Uncyclopedia has been a dreary and empty place. Uncyclopedians flit through the corridors unseeing, unknowing, unfeeling, uncaring. The reason? The UnSignpost has missed two issues. Now the UnSignpost would like to apologise for this, we would like to say that it was because Capitalist demonstrators have been camped outside our offices demanding that we stop producing terrible material for nothing, but we cannot because they aren't. We don't even have an office so if that were true it would be something of an achievement. No it is the blight that has caused the fall of so many UnSignpost editors: laziness and life. Like the Grim Reaper in Final Destination they stalk you from the second you write an issue and then, when you least expect it, they strike all of a sudden you have priorities and you can't be arsed to complete any of them, which would be a problem, if you could be arsed to care.

But fear not normal service has now resumed and the UnSignpost will be making its way to talk pages again this Thursday, which should please all four of the people who are A: active enough to read the UnSignpost, B: Not members of the editorial team who have read it already and C: Haven't read it while it is being written.

The other big news from approximately two weeks ago is that the Poo Lit Surprise is finished, much to the delight of everyone. The big winners were of course Uncyclopedia and the creative process, there are no losers on Uncyclopedia after all, only the sad pathetic freaks who come in last. Of course they do not stand comparison to the biggest loser of all; the 11th Poo Lit Surprise chairperson ChiefjusticeDS who had quite a lot to say about the competition, happily we have managed to condense all of the 4 hour interview down to 8 words: "I was very glad to host the PLS".

The real winners, besides the creative process, Uncyclopedia, Jesus and Democracy, are listed here. Special mention must go to Black flamingo11 for winning both Best Article and Best Collaboration (with Lyrithya) and also for being the runner up in the Best Rewrite category. Black flamingo had this to say about his incredible success: "SQUAWK", you can also listen to his full reaction just here, he's in the third row, fourth from the right.

The Return of the Tide

By Mattsnow

As assorted drama unfolds around our beloved Wiki, it should be noted that some people have foolishly returned to the site, passing up the opportunity for a lucrative career milking cows or watching sheep. They have returned, we assume, for the simple fun of writing funny articles, the fools.

Such bipolar candidates include everyone's favourite opiate Codeine. Try not to get his heart rate above 90 which, coincidentally, is his estimated age. His doctor told us in an exclusive interview that he may not make it if he so much as stands for more than 3 consecutive minutes, and that his obsessive "Anniversary" edits may hint as being a first grade of dementia. UnSignpost statisticians (yes really) have also calculated that this is the 15th time Codeine has returned to the wiki this year.

At the other extreme of the sanity spectrum. Nikau who came back to the wiki with a vengeance: clogging up Recent Changes, writing 4 articles at the same time while doing Pee Reviews and drinking around 40 cans of Red Bull per hour in order to keep up the frantic pace. It is believed that he edits the wiki on 3 separate computers at the same time: two with his hands and one with his toes. He would probably do even more if it would not mean that he would be persistently edit conflicting himself.

The community is really grateful for the return of such marvellous dinosaurs and decided to organize a Rhinoceros BBQ in their honour. Friday at <insert name here>'s house. Please bring your own dancing girls or we'll have to use Olipro and Mhaille again, and nobody has quite recovered after last time yet.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

16:46, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.176.202.139 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Not being Zombiebaron)
16:45, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.202.230.133 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Not being Zombiebaron)
16:45, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 67.241.118.255 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Not being Zombiebaron)
16:44, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 99.48.48.50 (Talk) with an expiry time of 4 days ‎ (Not being Zombiebaron)
13:17, October 18, 2011 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mordillo (Talk | contribs) ‎ (It's because I'm a filthy Jew right?)
01:05, October 19, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked 129.44.83.21 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Congratulations. Even though my web browser is a massive pile of slow right now, I have still managed to ban you. Doesn't that make you feel special?)

Biopic of the Week

Is this a pair of pants I see before me? It certainly is because this week the UnSignpost has shaped up, pulled it's finger out and gotten down to it in order to give HauntedUndies a thorough licking. But not in that way. For those of you who do not know HauntedUndies has been knocking about Uncyclopedia since May and in that time has proved himself a worthy UnNews reporter. Now we here at the UnSignpost are far too professional to get bogged down complaining about the lazy tossers who work over at UnNews and will simply say that if HauntedUndies enjoys bathing, not being racist and sleeping with ladies then he won't find very many friends over there. You've probably read some of his stuff if you are the sort of foul-mouthed bigot who enjoys UnNews. No disrespect to you HauntedUndies but it's like you're best friends with Hitler.

Now get out there and bring us more featured articles or you'll be very sorry indeed. Also we don't really hate the folks over at UnNews, so feel free to hang out there as much as you like, but don't come crying to us when you end up with some sort of infection.

Confessions from Recent Changes

"I'm a huge Tarantino fan. There, I said it." - Magic man
"This wiki has turned into shit. Please delete this account as I shall never be coming back here" - IsileK
"DURRR I JSUT DICSOVERED UNCYECLIPOEDIA OSCAR WILDE SOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!111" - Roman Dog Bird

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Hey There, Delilah

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:16, 27 October 2011

Generic UnSignpost header[edit source]

Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.

November 3rd, 2011 • Issue 143 • Forseeing all sorts of unforeseen problems since 2008!

Fundraising

By Chief

Money, dosh, moolah, cash. It's the time of year when Wikipedia pastes a gigantic banner to the top of all of their pages hosting a link to an inspirational article penned by Wikia-Oberstgruppenführer Jimbo Wales (not to be confused with Uncyclopedian JimboTheKillerWhale). The text of this article usually runs along these lines: "Isn't Wikipedia wonderful? Yes it is. Now if you donate the small sum of £300 we can keep it looking nice and won't have to send it back to its parents in tiny pieces". This is an absolute disgrace. It's like they're holding Wikipedia to ransom; if I wanted to pay for information I'd move to Nazi Germany, assuming I had a time machine, obviously.

How does this affect us here on our own benighted wiki? Well, the logged-in among you may well have paused to examine the banner that has been pasted all over the site notice this past week, at least you will have done before you hid it and carried on with whatever it is you people do all day. Predictably Lyrithya, never one to be swayed by the crippling apathy of the Uncyclopedia userbase, has suggested that we all try and create our own banners. Evidently she isn't swayed by the crippling ineptitude of the Uncyclopedia userbase either.

Now we'll be brutally honest, the UnSignpost doesn't have a template critic and the current editorial staff aren't really sure how the UnSignpost itself works; we just fill in the boxes. However, as seasoned UnSignpost readers are no doubt aware, ignorance never stands in the way of good journalism, so having affixed berets to our monitors and incredibly condescending and disgusted looks to our faces, we decided to examine the submissions so far. First up is this one, which was made by Magic man in 2010, which brings a certain authority to the piece... we assume. However we simply cannot countenance the font, which makes it look like it was written by a spider on rollerskates. Go back and try again, Magic man, and get a haircut as well.

The next choice offering came from the pen of EpicAwesomeness, and here it is. We sat down with EpicAwesomeness so he could talk us through the allegorical significance of the piece: "Well, you know, it has Wikipedia in it, you know, because I was just like trying to capture the fact Wikipedia is in it, you know?" he droned at our slack-jawed reporter. "There's, you know, some italics to prove I'm, like, sophisticated, and some blood to show I'm deep, it's my blood, I like to be in all my work. The background is a mix of my-" Alas, the recording of the interview ends there to the sound of gagging and retching, so we can only imagine what the background of EpicAwesomeness's banner is a mix of. Lollipop's offering is this interesting piece which expresses his desire to sodomise dogs. On an unrelated note the UnSignpost dog will not be appearing in this issue.

The only other offering has come from an IP. We here at the UnSignpost are united in our delight at its subtlety and in raptures at its wit and elegance. Just kidding; the pictures are wrong, the text is wrong and I've never seen a template name so flawed. For your chance to critique the honest endeavours of other Uncyclopedians, visit the forum here. Or don't; visit the official page instead and remain untainted.

Awards

By Him yet again

The forums have once again become the stage for what looks set to become one of the more exciting votes of the year. Thekillerfroggy has suggested that awards are becoming devalued when they are being handed out after voting from only one or two people. Naturally the solution is a quota of some sort, that or we drag the unused awards out to the square and beat them to death as an example to the others. This obviously comes as something of a blow to our plans to introduce an UnSignpost Editor of the Month award, which we wouldn't announce to anyone and would award to the most deserving amongst us every week until Judgement Day.

The vote appears to be getting some support, indeed the forum has gotten more votes in two days (8 at time of going to press) than Playwright of the Month has managed to accrue so far this year (5 at the time of going to press). This leads us to suggest that instead of implementing its recommendations we simply create a new award, Policy Changing Forum of the Month, since as Thekillerfroggy so eloquently suggests "If you build it they will come". And so they will, TKF, assuming of course that you're building some kind of wank machine.

The forum link is hanging about in the "Check out these pages" section, cleverly masquerading as a link. If you can't find your way to the correct forum with these instructions then we don't think you deserve to have a say. You big stupid-head.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

00:14, October 29, 2011 Haydrahlienne (Talk | contribs) blocked A filthy jew (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite
04:03, October 29, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked SPREE SPREE SPREE SPREE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Sorry, old chap... but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk)
23:03, October 29, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS is a filthy jew (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (He's also a fantastic swimmer, and if you play your cards right then he just might coooome round for dinner!)
00:05, November 2, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 144.124.29.68 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (your resemblance to tom jones does not intrigue me)
10:20, November 1, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Jizz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (You're disgusting.)
19:37, November 1, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 38.100.105.130 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 weeks ‎ (Somebody needs a nap and some juice)

Biopic of the Week

Now we here at the UnSignpost don't often do requests; if we did, the editorial staff would have had to commit seppuku on no less than four occasions or would presently be suffering a lifetime of slavery on Cuban sugar plantations. However this week we will be addressing a complex and dynamic issue at the behest of Sycamore and Orian57. Namely, why aren't they in the UnSignpost more often and could we maybe consider putting them in the UnSignpost more often?

For the few of you who are unfamiliar with Sycamore he's the most newsworthy Uncyclopedian around. At least, that's what he told us. He's even more newsworthy than that guy over there, who seems to make it into the UnSignpost just about every other week. His past successes include being fae bonnie Scotland, being the writer of several featured articles and the adopter of several noobs. He hasn't been in the UnSignpost because he has been editing a little bit less and because when he is around he has generally been getting on with writing, voting and reverting, all things which will never get you into the UnSignpost. Ever.

Orian57 hasn't been in the UnSignpost because he's gay. He did have features on three consecutive days once, but that was so long ago all this was just fields.

Words

This edition of the UnSignpost has an awful lot of them. Well done us.

Also, bone is not a dirty word.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Congressman in Drag

Confessions from Recent Changes

"This page was shit and I should feel like shit" - HELPME
"Facepalm" - Lollipop
"Calendars are a wonderful thing, aren't they?" - Oliphaunte

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:53, 3 November 2011

Generic UnSignpost header[edit source]

The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By Mordillo, We Swear!

November 10th, 2011 • Issue 144 • Is it really that big?

Hard-Hitting Journalism

By Chief

There's plenty for the UnSignpost to talk about this week so, naturally, we have decided not to talk about any of it. Instead we are going to tell you about the issues, the real issues, the ones that they don't want you to know about. Issue number one is that the cabal chairperson for November: Zombiebaron has, and not everybody knows this, instructed the administrative body to ban everyone in the world. You can see that it's happening. I mean, does it not seem strange to you that every time there's some kind of vandalism at some point an administrator just happens to turn up? Are you with us? True anarchists should be sure to pick up their copy of "If you can't revert it, kick it to death" when it comes out on UnTunes.

Another issue that they don't want you to know is that we appear to have another VFS fast approaching, which for the experienced among you also means four weeks worth of UnSignposts following the VFS. This is news which pleases our editor greatly as it will just about take him through to the stage where he can fill at least half of every issue with mince pie banter and can continue to drop into a stupor every Thursday without fear of missing another UnSignpost. The page is a melting pot of passive aggressive wankery mixed in with pessimism. We won't be quoting any of it here unfortunately, our wankery license got revoked after we ran that Conservapedia issue.

Electrified mocha chinchilla has also hit the forums this week objecting to constant changes to the site notice. Something which should be secondary in importance to the fact that the vast majority of the userbase don't seem to have noticed, clearly we need a new site notice, possibly one that sits in the middle of the screen and runs away when you try to close it.

Lyrithya has closed her fund-raising forum, having raised no money whatsoever, this correspondent isn't quite sure whether she understands what you when you fund-raise, and also would like to suggest she runs a car wash next time she wants to raise some cash. She closed the forum by saying "Thank you all for your efforts. Unfortunately blah blah blah...". Disgruntled banner creators are strongly encouraged not to hunt Lyrithya down and "Gut her like a stuck Pig", but obviously if such a thing were to happen it would not only provide great publicity for the wiki, but also would provide UnSignpost material for at least three months.

On the topic of UnSignpost material, the editorial team would like to celebrate an entire year at the helm of the UnSignpost. A year, over the course of which, only two issues have been missed. Thanks must go to Frosty, Lyrithya and anyone else who picked up the slack on weeks when the editor wasn't doing the job he should have been. Thanks also to the subscribers, without you we'd just be sticking this on Mhaille's talk page every week. I'm so pleased to have been a part of this that I've bought you all this small box of chocolates, to share, and I've bought myself this giant golden Camel because... well... I need it.

IC

By Magic man

There is a group of people, cool people. These cool people do cool things like collaborate on articles monthly and... well, actually, that's all they really do. But they're cool while doing it! These cool people are so very cool that they have a section on the main page devoted to them and their very own Uncyclopedia: namespace page. I know what you're thinking, "Who are these people, and where can I get one of their autographs?" Well, I'll tell you. These cool people that I'm referring to are the gang over at Imperial Colonization (That's right, kids, I'm on the list. One at a time, please. Don't worry, everybody, I have enough ink to sign everyone's foreheads and babies and such).

Unfortunately, a terrible thing has happened to the cool kids at IC. Their section on the main page has ben hidden away between 's, their Uncyclopedia: namespace page hasn't been edited since July, and, worst of all, dare I say it? Their coolness has worn off. I know, it's pretty bad. Now that the IC crew is lacking in coolness, they haven't been seen collaborating on an article together in months and they've been having the same vote since October... in 2010. The situation is ~~starting to get~~ dire.

We here at the UnSignpost are far too lazy to actually interview anybody, so we just decided to try and interview ourselves. But we kept missing our appointments, with ourselves. We wanted to interview Chief, but he was far to busy with "real life" to talk to us on the matter, whatever that means. We tried interviewing Magic man, but he wouldn't talk to us about IC because he said, "If you talk to yourself, you'll get people to think you're crazy." What a weirdo. And we didn't even bother contacting Frosty because we don't like him. So when all was said and done, the only actual person we interviewed wasn't even alive at the time. It was Zombiebaron, and I bet you can guess what he said. However, if we had interviewed anybody who had more that one word in their vocabulary, we imagine some of those words might be words like 'bad', 'unacceptable', 'disappointing', and maybe even, *Gulp*, 'uncool'.

So Imperial Colonization, if you're reading this, this is a call to action. Go finish that vote that's been going on far too long now, and collaborate on an article, already! That's right, you know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about getting my your cool back.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

23:59, November 7, 2011 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 67.128.203.4 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ ("small dick in his pants that is purple with green.")
12:59, November 5, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked I will blank moar pages (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (What's this button do? Whoops!)
01:01, November 6, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 79.97.248.48 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (SUCK COCK SUCK COCK SUCK COCK SUCK COCK)
04:51, November 5, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 108.211.110.62 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (i'll lemony you right in the snicket)
18:19, November 3, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.120.12.140 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Claims to be a tor exit node)
01:40, November 4, 2011 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 96.255.253.169 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (It's meant to be BS, numbnuts; it's a comedy site. lrn2read.)

Biopic of the Week

His name is Iwritewhatiwant. Possibly. We aren't sure and neither is he/she/it. Naturally the UnSignpost completed all the necessary research to write a biopic and certainly didn't have to keep refering back to his userpage while writing. He of the strange username joined us at the start of September and now as he enters his third month one thing has become clear to all of us. He doesn't want to write anything all that often. Oh the raptures we slip into when he touches his quill to the parchment and makes words appear, the prose, the paragraphs, the lack of vowels... it's something to behold.

His achievements have included beating Rcmurphy to Noob of the Month, scooping the Best Noob Article in the PLS and molesting anybody who comes within 6 feet of him. We went through about 17 correspondents to get this biopic, the rest of them are probably locked in a warehouse somewhere being forced to writewhathewants. In which case the joke is on him since most of them can barely speak, let alone write. So congratulations Iwritewhatiwant you are officially an evil, slave-driving freak of nature and that's why we love you.

Old School FA

The Earth. Majestically spinning on its axis for thousands of years on end, in a constant state of evolution, progress, and overall forward movement. The millions of innovations in technology that the human race has brought to this planet in its tenure here is beyond the scope of typical brain capacity, and has for the most part been beneficial, to the human race at least, if nothing else.

This begs the question: With all of these innovations to make life here on Earth so luxurious, why the FUCK have we not invented WIDER FUCKING HALLWAYS?! The ongoing battle with the narrow hallway continues to be fought by us hard-working civilians, day after day, and doesn't look to have an end in sight. This fight is not only against the severe crampedness of such passages, but against the barrage of personages we are forced to encounter walking through them every day. Read the full report here.

Newsroom UnTune of the week (Anniversary Special!)*

Stalker

*Yes anniversary special means the same UnTune we used this time last year, who knows, maybe next year can just be one big anniversary special!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:51, 10 November 2011

UnSignpost - 17 November 2011[edit source]

The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!

November 17th, 2011 • Issue 145 • Yes, yes it is really that big!

VFS and Turkey Balls

By Chief

Now it would be very easy for the UnSignpost to devote yet another issue of the year to covering the VFS and the voting on the same, the interviews with the candidates, the scores, the numbers, the lunches with the bureaucrats, and Sycamore shaking his head slowly as he despairs at the futility of it all.

So we will.

It's VFS time again! Voting was opened on Sunday by Zombiebaron with a pair of massive scissors. As he prepared to cut the ribbon he turned to the assembled masses and, wiping a tear from his eye, announced, "Zombiebaron"; naturally the crowd went wild. The early nominations flooded in: everyone who was anyone seemed to garner a nomination, as well as several people who aren't people at all. Two users have distanced themselves from the pack: Black flamingo11, the noire gregarious wading bird who has captured Uncyclopedia's imagination with his endless flows of witty prose and his avoidance of all forms of drama, has stacked up twenty-two fresh crispy votes. In order to best sum up his thoughts on being nominated, we've decided to hack up anything he has said on the VFS page and arrange it into a more suitable order: "What a nice old man his socks are. I would make a terrific admin. I'm my first choice." You heard it here first and, hilariously, so did he.

The other contender is Romartus, with twenty votes. Uncyclopedia's voting machine and general history boffin had this to say to the UnSignpost: "Perhaps too young. Excellent." He probably isn't a paedophile but if you are concerned, then why not write to us at: "Save The children, The UnSignpost". We'll get them, by which we mean your letters, not the children. Other contenders are Frosty with seven votes, PIGGY with nine and Sycamore, who has eight. As VFS hurtles towards its final round, we here at the UnSignpost are on the edge of our seats and we hope you will be too.

The other news is that it is once again time for the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball, described by liars as "A celebration and carnival of sublime writing" and by others as "A wretched hive of scum and villainy". ~~Ringmaster~~ Host of the competition for this year is Mhaille, who has started a forum asking for judges. Judging is fun and improves your sex life in 94% of cases, so why not get involved?

Eyes forward everyone! It's all about to kick off!

Nominate my PIGGY!

By Chief

Discussions began in the forum this week. Well of course they did, after all that is what a forum is for. However one particular discussion is over the removal of the rule against nominating your own articles for VFH without a pee review. Uncharacteristically for a discussion on Uncyclopedia about an aspect of Uncyclopedia, everyone appeared to be in agreement. The brains behind the idea, if brains is the right word, is Uncyclopedia's very own deputy innovator Lyrithya, who would like nothing more than to see the good ship Uncyclopedia sink below the ocean of crap because Uncyclopedians were far too busy hanging their appalling articles off it to notice this analogy breaking down. Unsportingly the forum was started the day before the UnSignpost was due to be delivered last week and thus everything that we have said so far is hideously out of date. The rule has already been removed and no, we didn't want your opinion; you'd have just slowed progress down with your so-called "questions" and "concerns".

The other news for this week is that Zombiebaron has figured out how to raise our edit count by over 9000! His solution is to simply delete 15,000 articles by Christmas because... well, because it would be tremendous fun. Also because Dr. Skullthumper, who isn't a real doctor, made some statistics that showed that we had most edits when we had 15,000 articles, so deleting 15,000 to bring us back to around 15,000 will, logically, produce more edits, mostly, we fear, from people complaining that we have deleted 15,000 pages without asking. Anyone wishing to participate in Zombiebaron's Time Travelling Article Removal and Edit Count Revival Event (that's easy to remember because it spells TTARECRE) should assemble, with their time machines, a week last Tuesday to be given their instructions twenty minutes earlier.

Check out these pages!

From our logs Under user bans the other admins special!):

08:16, August 22, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 132 seconds ‎ (in my country, it is a tradition that on the penultimate monday of august, we ban someone with an allcaps name. a bit obscure, but there you go.)
11:15, August 21, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 138 minutes ‎ (I recently lost a sock in the wash. was it one of your relatives?)
12:49, June 19, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 132 seconds ‎ (you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator)
15:17, April 6, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 seconds ‎ (why hello there, handsome)
07:48, January 29, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 23 seconds ‎ (who the fuck are you, and what makes you think you can "write" an "article", eh?)
10:28, December 25, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 143 seconds ‎ (Merry thing you don't celebrate old chap! Hope the presents you didn't get would have been fantastic!)
10:33, December 15, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Chronarion (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 119 seconds ‎ (A man, a plan, a canal, and then you filled in the canal with silly-putty.)
09:31, December 1, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 weeks 4 days 5 hours 6 seconds ‎ (*looks through ban log* - dear god, I've never banned Zombiebaron, he must feel so left out! I must rectify this at once.)

Memorial of the Week

By now you have probably heard the terrible news, or at least seen the huge black manhole cover hats he made us all wear. Under user has left the fold and ventured onward to pastures new. Under user came into this world on the fifth of July 2007 and since then he has written articles, pee reviewed more articles than you have ever read , edited the UnSignpost for months on end and chopped more potatoes than the Irish ever did. The esteemed Under user requested that his administrator status be removed earlier this week and Thekillerfroggy generously excused him from the farewell de-bagging in the canteen. He has stated his intention to continue reading the featured articles which, to be honest, makes him more active than most of the active users. Confusion also reigns over the fate of the annual mince pie race, which, without its founder and annual winner, may not take place, much to the disappointment of all three of the competitors.

Perhaps someday UU will return and change our lives once again, perhaps not; regardless the UnSignpost wishes him all the best in whatever it is he does in real life and reminds him that he still owes us £4.70 in tea and biscuit money.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

I Will Possess Your Log

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:26, 17 November 2011

UnSignpost - 24 November 2011[edit source]

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

November 24th, 2011 • Issue 146 • This is a knife!

VFS and Turkey Ball

By Chief

Well here we go again: VFS has reached ROUND FOUR!! The excitement on the wiki was palpable and here at the UnSignpost we could barely contain ourselves. Now while we usually compare the need to meet a deadline every Thursday for every week of our lives to being slowly lowered into a vat of acid without the benefit of being Batman first, this week we were whisked out of the vat before the worst could befall our dynamic duo. Thus we began to plan for the UnSignpost as far back as Monday. Monday! It was as though our prayers had been heard by a God whose power only manifests via consensus on humour wikis. So another VFS has been delivered to us and as the top candidates have been selected, we will now judge and belittle them for your amusement and our own perverted satisfaction.

Black flamingo11: Bursting through to the third round of VFS in first place is Black flamingo11, whose cunning tactic so far has been to make absolutely no comment at all regarding the VFS. We're sure some kind of snivelling "Thank you so much for voting for me, it's good you did because I completely deserve this" message will wing its way to your talk page. We sat down with him to establish just what he thought being an admin might be like: "It's the cash I look forward to the most!" he enthused as we queued at his local soup kitchen, "I mean sure I enjoyed doing things just to be helpful, but if there wasn't cash in it for me somewhere, it'd just be pointless!". Thank goodness he isn't just in this for the money or he'd be so incredibly disappointed.

Romartus: So close on Black flamingo's heels into the third round that it's a good job he's wearing such baggy trousers is Romartus. Besides voting for everyone who isn't himself in the second round he has also made very little comment on the VFS, but expect no comment from him regarding your support or how much he appreciates it. Why? Because he is actually a very sophisticated robot who thirsts for the destruction of unwitting humour wikis like this one. We didn't need to talk to him; after all, robots don't have feelings, so fuck you Romartus! You'll never find our office.

The other top story this week is that the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has begun. The judges are in place and the competitors are poised on the blocks. Any moment now they'll write an article and run down to the other end, some three hundred meters from the starting line, there they will leap as far as they can into the sand. We assume. Otherwise there is absolutely no need for this competition to be taking place on a running track and I am utterly mystified as to why I've been handed this starting pistol and why Shabidoo has those flags. If this seems like your idea of a good time, the competition is open until the third of December though please bring pants: "The next person who arrives without pants will be disqualified," said competition host Mhaille yesterday. "This competition has the potential to be very exciting and we don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, or getting splashed."

I'm back!

By Puppy

Did you all miss me?

No?

Fuck it. I'm going again.

Festive Treats Ahoy!

By Chief

Just a quick word to announce the imminent arrival of two ~~fun~~ festive ~~traditions~~ additions to Uncyclopedia. Normally Under user is the benevolent king of Uncyclopedia's Christmas time and he presides over the jollities like a strange old man presides over a children's playground, however this year Under user failed his annual admin re-qualification tests (apparently he took more than 10 seconds to punch out the baby) and thus cannot host ANYTHING any more. True story. Because of this, the annual mince pie scoffing competition will be relocated to the user page of ChiefjusticeDS. If you have a taste for those delightful Christmas treats then feel free to join in. The competition will begin on the 1st of December and it must be stressed that pies scoffed before that date are so-called "Training Pies" and will not count towards your total. The ban patrol-ho-ho may or may not return depending on the financial climate.

Remember: PIES!!!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

06:01, November 17, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.116.44.143 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Wank wank wank. Boy I sure do love to wank. Can I wank on you? I think I will. I don't require your permission. WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK...)
19:30, November 16, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.180.115.161 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Panic at the dildo! It's funny because dildo sounds a bit like disco, is a funny word and it's a sex thing!)
12:33, November 19, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked JAF1999 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Wow, you're either really stupid or you're a really lame troll. Probably both, coming to think of it.)
21:17, November 22, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.104.226.185 (Talk) with an expiry time of 12 hours ‎ (You're doing undictionary wrong, I didn't think that was possible)
02:51, November 16, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked Wearetheworld (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (cool story, bro)
12:53, November 23, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I seem to be under-represented in this week's UnSignpost. You should remedy this.)

Biopic of the Week

In the biopic this week is HELPME, and we'll begin with this quote from his userpage: "I used to be full of shit, humorless, stupid, uptight, and annoying. Now I am slightly less of those things." What a nice man, a liar, but a lovely man nonetheless. Arriving on Uncyclopedia at the start of 2010, HELPME became well-known for his hyperactive page editing, article reviewing, outrageous gaying and recent changes patrolling. All this earned himself a whole stack of shiny goodies, several death threats and the acclaim of all. This was all splendid and lovely. BUT THEN CAME THE DARKNESS. It corrupted his soul and made him simultaneously world-wise and world-weary, now happiness is "Fucking square, man" and hyperactive page editing "Shits for the birds, man".

However this hasn't rendered him incapable of doing the thankless busywork we know he used to love so much. Welcome back, HELPME, now get to work; the drainage ditch under Olipro's desk won't drink itself. Make haste, my jacuzzi water grows tepid.

ATTENTION! At ease soldier.

Newsroom UnTune of the week

Home on a Friday Night

Confessions from Recent Changes

"The politicians are demented people that take orders from demented monkeys" - 86.178.71.123
"created article -- finally figured out how images work" - JacKow
"This is a satirical website, you know for satire." - Zarbag

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 02:11, 24 November 2011

UnSignpost - 1 December 2011[edit source]

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

December 2nd, 2011 • Issue 147 • Don't make me use this!

Reflections, Turkey Ball, Cabal Broadcasts and VFS

By Chief

As December dawns, the UnSignpost can only reflect on what has been an eventful year. Or rather we would if the reflections on this year weren't all about poo, bacon and Lyrithya... FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. The UnSignpost would like to remind all users that there is only a month left before ~~the annual Cabal broadcast~~ absolutely nothing happens. The reflections must be completed or the world might end. If there were a cabal watching, Socky and Roman Dog Bird adding reflections about their strange depraved fantasies and bowel movements in the early hours of the 3rd of January would upset it no end.

The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball ploughs onward, amassing entrants in all categories, to Mhaille's undoubted delight. While Mhaille was not available for comment, we were able to sit down with Lyrithya who just happened to be in the lobby complaining that she has not been in the UnSignpost enough over the last few weeks. What comment would she make? What fabulous insights would she reveal? "What Turkey Day Ball?" asked Lyrithya. This was deeply concerning on two levels, firstly because Lyrithya is judging the title category, and secondly because she said it to a hat stand about 4 feet to our reporter's left. Leaving Lyrithya to continue her tense negotiations with the hat stand about getting a job with computers, we moved on to interview Zombiebaron, who commented, "Zombiebaron", as usual.

The annual Mince Pie eating competition started on ChiefjusticeDS's talk page on Tuesday, two days early, because he's impatient as well as being fat and lazy. All users are invited to join in and attempt to match Under user's astonishing ~~work~~ scoff rate. Oliphaunte has also come up with a brand new feature for the UnSignpost to further the relentless search for filler material. He proposes a Question and Answer section where you, the users, ask the UnSignpost a question and then we put it in the right hand column with a ~~scathing and witty~~ reply. Obviously such a plan requires questions, and therefore, if this sounds like your sort of thing, ask some questions. It's for a good cause.

VFS has also concluded. As you read this splendid periodical the results are known, however due to our lack of a time machine and the injustice of the world in general we do not know as we are writing this now. Our experts have looked at the vote and, after much deliberating, tea drinking and "Please stop holding me prisoner"-ing they concluded that there could be several outcomes, which further lead us to conclude that we should have captured some better experts. You'll have to wait until next week for the scoop on the new admins, which should please Black flamingo11 as he hates being in the UnSignpost; the illusive flamingo had this to say to the UnSignpost this week: "The horse porn is in the house; why would I throw it out?". Don't look at us, you voted for him.

Hugely important happening stuns Uncyclopedia; no one cares

By Bizzeebeever

This week a bolt of lightning apparently emanating from Wikia struck Uncyclopedia in a sustained manner, singeing eyebrows and back-hair from the United Kingdom all the way to that iota-sized island which Frosty calls "home". What was this scintillating stroke of... of... scintillation? Why, a mighty arbiter of Wikia was perturbed from her perch by the screams of the tortured mortals long enough to, as she put it, "blackmail a techy" into granting Uncyclopedians that boon for which they had clamoured for literally a couple of days: new namespaces.

Yes, you asked for it, and now you've got it: those heretofore-faux namespaces, including HowTo, Why?, and that incredibly popular mainstay of Uncyclopedia, UnDebate, are now actual namespaces. According to several people who understand the full implications of this, having namespace-specific stuff will potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with. Said designated Uncyclopedia scapegoat Lyrithya: "Having namespace-specific stuff could potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with."

When the news of the blessed event was heard, there was shouting, jubilation, gunshots, and widespread looting, and that was just Roman Dog Bird. Uncyclopedian-extraordinaire Zombiebaron, taking a couple of seconds off from his normal endeavours attempting to fit all of Uncyclopedia onto VFD, was heard to shout his own name in an uncharacteristically-ebullient manner.

Extravagant fame-whore Bizzeebeever, the author of the forum topic which started it all, spoke from his 15,000-room palace constructed entirely from mirrored pianos: "Of course, no one man can take credit for this," he said, flinging the end of a tie-dyed feather boa over his shoulder, "it was truly an achievement made possible by the work of multitudes. Anyone who notices the massive groundswell of changes should especially thank Lyrithya for her ceaseless work on the site." He also went on to thank Sannse for her munificence and benevolence, as well as the small pile of ashes which, we presume, is all that remains of the "techy" whom Sannse "blackmailed", and, lastly but not least-ly, Zombiebaron... for "being such an incredible pile of 'Zombiebaron'."

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

14:17, November 29, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.65.34.170 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Monumental Wang, and not in a good way)
23:20, November 28, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 117.241.59.129 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (go back to whatever foreign place you probably come from)
22:04, November 26, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Lingling513 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (If all pony fans were like you, I would have never watched it. Thank God shitheads like you only make up a small part of the fan base. The new episode blew, but it was funnier than your shit article.)
22:02, November 29, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 166.89.220.165 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (WE COULD JUST DELETE EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR A TEMPLATE AND IT WOULD BE BETTER! I'M QUITE LIVID AT MYSELF FOR HAVING NOT THOUGHT OF IT!)
03:45, November 27, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.164.108.6 (Talk) with an expiry time of 5 hours ‎ (You're right, I'm so much better than you because I'm an admin. Also, try to familiarize yourself with apostrophes.)

Biopic of the Week

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! It's Xamralco! It has taken us five whole months to biopic him, and now we're going to do it without insulting him once! KIDDING! Xamralco slimed his way onto Uncyclopedia, as slime creatures will, through a carelessly open downstairs window in late June of this year. Having slimed his way in, Xamralco thought to himself, "What could a useless slime beast such as I contribute here?" While he was deciding, he wrote four featured articles and won writer of the month and the Best Rewrite category of the most recent Poo Lit Surprise. Naturally, what the people want to know is: When exactly is Xamralco going to do something useful? When will he stop resting on his laurels and actually get down to work?

Strangely, for a slime beast, his talk page is full of him being thanked, making witty banter and generally taking part. What a slimy bastard. I shall smite him, and his slime. Well done Xamralco, now get to work or get out.

Old School FA

Long walks on the beach

There’s nothing I enjoy more than long walks on the beach. Some of my other hobbies include watching the sunset from a picturesque grassy knoll, indulging in fine wine with a scrumptious foie gras dinner, and candlelight conversations on French film. But I think you'll agree that nothing is quite as sexy as me taking a long walk on the beach.

Me with my salon-fresh sandy blonde hair flowing in the breeze (courtesy of Tina; you're a miracle worker, honey!) and a sporty J.Crew sweater tied casually around my waist, lobbing a stray Frisbee back at some snot nosed little urchin. You'll see me on the coast looking pensively out at the sea, reflecting back on all of the endearing little things I did that week.

New Admin Celebratory UnTune!

The Uncyclopedian's Song

Confessions from Recent Changes

"THE BOMB HAS BEEN PLANTED!! (+ Expansion tag)" - Wilytank
"Added some categories, WITHOUT using HotCat." - 66.105.218.19
"Reverting edit, as it was so good, it would intimidate other users." - Matt lobster
"Torture instruments and a ducking stool" - Jonny appleseed

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:16, 1 December 2011

UnSignpost - 8 December 2011[edit source]

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

December 8th, 2011 • Issue 148 • Goodbye to all that.

VFS ends... or does it?

By Chief

The wiki has new admins. There we go, got the first bit of non-news out of the way. Since time and circumstance have both conspired against the UnSignpost in a bid to not only evict us from the building but also to ensure we have nothing to report on every week, it has in fact been eight days since this particular piece of news broke. Black flamingo11 and Romartus have been made administrators and, clearly in protest as to how such a thing could have possibly occurred, Lyrithya has started a vote to change the system in order that such grave injustice does not ever occur again. Black flamingo11 agrees that he is exactly the type of weird abomination that such a system would easily sieve out. Romartus simply muttered something about not wanting to upset the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls; we assume he is chained to a radiator in her flat, occasionally being forced to dance for her amusement.

Lyrithya proposes that we scrap the current system, just like she always does, and then we bring in a brand new one which nobody except her understands (see the abuse filter for details). Lyrithya is also to be congratulated for making Modusoperandi be serious for five minutes, something which science, constant pain, and the ingratitude of man has failed to do for around twenty years.

In other news, Joe9320 has declared that Imperial Colonization has risen and that "This will mark the Stupid Ages of Imperial Colonization." This correspondent has to agree that this will certainly be the case if Joe9320 runs it. While he was declaring things that nobody will remember in five minutes time, Joe also declared himself Lord of Uncyclopedia and all its dominions, may those who defy him drink eternally from Satan's grotesque member. Or words to that effect.

Zombiebaron and Thekillerfroggy celebrated the sixth anniversary of the featuring of Euroipods by defacing the logo with a blue calculator in exchange for money and referring their friends to do the same. Such jollity flew straight over the heads of most of the userbase, whom Thekillerfroggy condemned as being far too young to remember when, like he can, this was all fields. Happy sixth birthday, Euroipods. We baked you a free cake. You just have to pay for it, and get your friends to do the same. This barrel? Oh no, we haven't even thought of scraping the bottom of it.

Finally, this forum still exists, and users have flocked from miles around to vote for it. The UnSignpost has no comment to make on this, except to ask these people: Who are you? How did you get in when we changed the locks? Try not to get too concerned. Remember, Wikia is a reputable company and certainly isn't a transparent front for a greedy Dragon which hates you. Honest.

Competition Ahoy!

By Chief

Those of you who absolutely love writing competitions have happily had very little to complain about for the last couple of weeks as the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has enthralled and thrilled you for literally hours. The competition closed for judging last Saturday. Needless to say this is a long time to wait perched upon the edge of ones seat, as Shabidoo confesses himself to be, so it is just as well that the vast majority of the judges have decided to help out by failing to turn in any judging. The UnSignpost wises to remind competition judges that failure to complete judging on time can have a number of detrimental effects including sudden blindness, ostracism within the community and believing oneself to be an Ostrich. So unless you want to be hurtling 'round the wiki flapping your tiny wings in a futile attempt to take flight this time next week, I'd get on with it, and we do mean you, Wilytank. Thought we wouldn't notice, didn't you, and as for new admin, Black flamingo11, he has absolutely no excuse. Get to it you worthless peons; if you had lives you wouldn't even know this competition exists!

MadMax has proposed a second edition of The Article Whisperer to commence immediately after Christmas. Let us take a brief moment to explain why you are ideally suited to not only take part but why taking part is a brilliant idea. First of all, MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed, and secondly because MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed. The Article Whisperer is a competition held by UN:REQ to get some of the most requested articles on the site written down and made shiny. Head over to the forum right now and try to spare some time to volunteer to write or judge this, the most useful of our writing competitions. If you don't, MadMax will kill a Panda. In your house. Possibly.

Check out these pages!

From our logs (New Admin and Mordillo Special!):

11:00, December 1, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Figure out how to unblock yourself! QUICK! THIS PITCH MEANS THE GAME! SLIDE DIMAGGIO! SLIDE!!)
20:04, December 1, 2011 Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) ‎ (I think he has learned his lesson)
13:57, December 4, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked Kelton2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages: One month ban wasn't enough. Try three this time. )
18:16, December 4, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Kelton2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages: Ok three days. It's Christmas)
15:58, December 6, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 66.240.56.238 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't care who fancy. This isn't a dating website (yet))
15:24, December 1, 2011 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 90.221.171.90 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Your future reads:"no trip to the moon anytime in the near future".)

Biopic of the Week

Because we have to get the UnSignpost Dog into this issue somehow.

UnSignpost Q&A

I'm in a homosexual relationship with my cousin and I'm worried that my family and friends will find out. That's half the problem as I've a anger problem at my girlfriend who I blame for making me apparently impotent and some violence has taken place between us. Thankfully it's nothing too serious, just some good hearted vicarious punishment for my frustrated sexuality. The truth is I don't enjoy sex with her and I'm racked with terrible feelings of guilt for the casual sex with my cousin. Now I'm eyeing up quite few animals on the farm (sexually) and I'm wondering whether to let them both down gently, or continue with my covert sexual operations. Also I have a child with my sister which I keep in a shed. It's not really like a human being as I have never let it see the outside world and keep it company with my dogs. Do you have any ideas on how to get me out of this mess? - Anonymous

Have you considered beating them all to death with a Polo mallet and then throwing them into the canal? Obviously this would be after slicing them up into small easily manageable pieces. That's what I did. - USP

Do you like cows? - Lyrithya

Moo - USP

Newsroom UnTune of the Week

The Christmas Song

Reason to leave Uncyclopedia #1,824

The constant unreasonable demands of this periodical.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:23, 8 December 2011

UnSignpost - 15 December 2011[edit source]

Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

December 15th, 2011 • Issue 149 • I demand satisfaction

Weekly news round-up

By Chief

This week, in lieu of doing any actual news gathering the UnSignpost has swooped around the monthly awards pages and a couple of other pages to keep you updated. We've clicked on literally ten links taking immeasurable risks in the process. First up is Uncyclopedian of the Month which is entirely given over to praising Bizzeebeever for whatever it is he does around here. While we've certainly heard of the fellow we aren't quite sure the 'cut of his jib' as Thekillerfroggy might say is suitable for a serious award such as this. Bizzeebeever commented that he thought "Giving away an award this cheaply sorta devalues it" and for once the UnSignpost finds itself in total agreement. Bizzeebeever currently leads the pack with nine votes to Pentium5dot1's two with slime beast Xamralco bringing up the rear as always.

Writer of the Month is also less of a competition and more of a 'let's all vote for Nikau' party. Nikau currently leads with thirteen votes. Naturally, since it is a party half of the userbase haven't been invited and Frosty has chosen to have a party all on his own at the bottom of the page, it's just like we've gone to Australia to meet him. On a serious note don't actually go to Australia; it's full of spiders who hide under toilet seats and drop down on you from trees... while you're on the toilet. Predictably N00b of the Month is also not much of a competition either with Jonny appleseed leading by virtue of having the most sensible username, his fellow competitors Gleep and Ferric AlFerrous had nothing to comment. Probably because we didn't ask.

Meanwhile Reviewer of the Month, Potatochopper of the Month and UnBooks:Author of the Month have two nominees between them and have accumulated a total of one vote due to some despicable against voting on Potatochopper of the Month. Users should be aware that the annual awards will open next month to the delight and general acclaim of all. It is the solemn duty of every Uncyclopedian to vote on every single one these awards and yes, we do mean you <insert name here>. The UnSignpost will be there as always, always the bridesmaid but never the bride etc. etc.

N3wz! For the win!!

By ~~Douchebag McSpackypants~~ The Cabal

HEY GUIZE!!! It's me again! Back to bring you more lolicious news and totally s1337 anecdotes! SEE WHAT I DID THERE, IT'S LIKE SWEET AND 1337! HOW S1337 IS THAT!! I totally LOLed @ Uncyclopedia this week as Magic man proposed a competition entirely based on Walruses. THAT'S SO ORIGINAL!

Another tip-top totally important story is that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user bumped a forum topic from 2008 to the top of the list in order that he could add some kind of template to it! I'VE DONE SO WELL AT FINDING NEWS THIS WEEK! I've even put a totally hilarious picture over at the side (LOL)!!! So last time I talked about mince piez (Moar internet slang; I'm still hip!). So there I was hanging over the oven as the giantess shook me vigorously AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!! HAHAHAHA...

Signal interrupted

New message incoming

There is no need to panic. Help will never come. Emergency breathing apparatus will not be necessary at this time. Report all dangerous subversives. Expect no mercy this Christmas. Thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. Informants are not everywhere. Secret meetings of which you have no knowledge do not guide this wiki. Nobody cares about your articles. Our vigilance is ceaseless. Continue to as though everything were normal, which it is. Administrators will not tolerate levity of any kind. Bans protect you from that which would do you harm.

Accept our reality.

Location scrambled.

Message ends

Signal re-established, original transmission resuming

-and if that Rabbit hadn't appeared when it did... well let's just say I'd probably be serving jail time right now! See you next time p33pz!!!

Sodomy and Turkeys

By Pup

Turkey and sodomy. A pairing as seemingly natural as faecal incontinence and free-balling, but at Uncyclopedia we do this with a somewhat less messy outcome an an annual basis - the Aristocrats Turkey Day Ball.

This year saw some wonderful entries that promoted strong familial bonds and understanding in the main category - the Aristocrats joke. The tasteless equivalent of the best actor Oscar this year went to Black flamingo for his Aristocrats (class). Tied for second place were Xamralco and Thekillerfroggy for their works on Deleted Scenes and Mementocrats accordingly.

We approached Black flamingo for a quote, but in the style of Brando we ended up talking to a Indian instead. Not the one he rode in The Wild One though.

In the following category - the equivalent of the Oscar's Best Dance Direction award - was for the Best Bad Taste article. The not-too-shabby Shabidoo won the day with his uncovering of the skeletons in the family closet with The things your family doesn't know, making us wonder about his home life. Following this were Thekillerfroggy - making him the only individual to make the top three in two categories - and some other guy.

Finally, the The Master Goa Tse Award for Digital Imagery, or The picture one category was hotly contested this year. Magic man streaked ahead of the pack, much to the distaste of the remainder of the pack, Zombiebaron and Mimo&maxus. Special mention here must go to Black flamingo, however, for not competing and still managing to outrank SPIKE, for his less impressive non-entry.

Check out all the entrants at Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball. Do it while your mother is in the room.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

14:08, December 13, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked Babablacksheep (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Baaahhhnnnn)
22:52, December 10, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked SPREE SPREE SPREE SPREE SPREE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN)
14:18, December 10, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 109.151.40.149 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Judging from your actions, I would've never guessed a Frenchman invented IQ tests.)
16:50, December 9, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Sog1970 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 minutes ‎ (Shouldn't retired users be playing golf or something?)
21:23, December 13, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked ARTWORK (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Cease and desist, I am featuring and should not be disturbed)
19:46, December 8, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.143.173.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (He likes to poop in his pants and look at girls )

~~Biopic~~ Mince Pie Update of the Week

It's the all important coverage of the all important Mince Pie eating competition which you are all interested in! The competition kicked off on ChiefjusticeDS's userpage on November 29th after one of the competitors decided that greed could carry him through an extra two days of competition. The competitors are: last year's champion and general all-rounder Under user whose rate of consumption is unfortunately not matched by his rate of editing as he consistently falls behind and then leaps into the lead when he remembers he owns a computer. ChiefjusticeDS last year's big loser is engaged in a duel with Under user, one that he appears destined to lose due to severe indigestion and heart disease.

The current leader is Roman Dog Bird who has eaten an awful lot of Mince Pies. We aren't sure how many but we're pretty sure it's a lot. Anyone who wants to win a free Mince Pie or an out of date Lion Bar is welcome to go over and count them. Just drop the actual numbers into the press room. Keep your eyes glued to the competition, it literally can't get any more exciting.

UnSignpost Q&A

Are you a pedo? - GEORGIEGIBBONS

Answer: We here at the Unsignpost Q&A Department pride ourselves in extensive background checks to prevent the hiring of any pedophiles. At the same time however, most of our security staff think pedophiles are people with unusual sexual infatuation of feet, so pretty much, just keep your distance from our office. Why do you think I work from home? - USP

How do I ask a question here? - Magic man

Consult one of our helpful staff at the office. If you want help quick, dress up like a 12 year old child and talk with a higher pitched voice. It may result in unexpected outcomes but hey, you'll get your answer. - USP

Newsroom UnTune of the Week

General Hill's March

The Lobsterbacks are coming

Yes - the Imperial Colonisational experts are back, and now taking on missionary positions under the lead of a new head priest. Experience the wonder and excitement of working on a colonised article.

Yes, You too could be part of the brave new world.

Puns like the above are also welcome. Sadly.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--Chiefjustice3DS 10:27, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 22 December 2011[edit source]

The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

December 22nd, 2011 • Issue 150 • Merry thing you may or may not celebrate!

The Footlitzer Prize is a thing!

By UPjcm

So, last week our great Chief talked about the pitiful state of Uncyclopedia's awards without even mentioning the most pitiful of them right now. If you read the title, you'd know that I'm talking about the ~~very~~ prestigious Foolitzer Prize. For years, the Foolitzer distinguished the good fools from the bad fools, and it's in such a pitiful state that there's only been five votes this month. Five votes! We need to do better than this, people. Not just for me, but for ~~Uncyclopedia~~ America.

"Why should I care about a stupid feature on a stupid site?" a stupid person may ask. Journalistic parody is the most important form of parody out there. Anyone can write an article, but it takes skill to write an UnNews article^{[citation needed]}. We should be trying to reward those skillful bastards, not ignore them. Without UnNews, nobody would take us seriously. Oh, wait.

The point is that the Foolitzer needs our love. The hardworking writers that bring us smartly crafted misinformation every day need our love. We need to give them that love. Otherwise, we'll end up being worse than we already are, and do you think little Sophia's self-esteem can afford that? Do the right thing, people. You've got two days. Why two days? Because you just do.

VFH

By PopGoesTheWeasel & Chief

Hello, there. I want to talk about VFH. Those three little ~~letters~~ words. VFH is running low on votes and we need your help. I mean, VFH's aim is to get 20 votes per article, but it can only manage around 9. This makes me having a vagina more realistic and I don't even have a vagina. Incidentally vagina is a very funny word.

"How can I help?" you ask. Well permit me to hit you with some totally real and non made-up facts. Every 5 seconds a that VFH has low voting numbers Thekillerfroggy kills a Panda. An actual real Panda.

After campaigning fiercely in Xamralco's sitting room he agreed to go and vote. On VFD. Does he have any idea how many deaths he caused? Let me hit you with some more facts. Every time the number of articles on VFD increases Zombiebaron kills a Dolphin. Do YOU have any idea how many deaths you cause when you vote VFD? Now look. You can save a Panda with just a click of a button. Vote! That's all. On VFH. Would you rather save a Panda or kill a Dolphin? Well? Which is it? Did you know that every time you fail to answer a rhetorical question the UnSignpost is forced to kill a Panda?

Our articles are dying. Look at the number of votes being devoured, not to mention articles being taken down from VFH because they mysteriously had "low health". And you all know who is causing the health to deplete? It's the ~~Pandas~~ Dolphins! I MUST KILL ALL OF THEM! Why? WHY? BECAUSE IF I DON'T THE WORLD MIGHT END</big?> You wouldn't try and trick me would you? They watch us, they watch us all! THE END IS COMING! The truth will find you! It found me and I'm really quite passionate about it so please, vote on VFH. If you can find the time feel free to kill the Dolphins as well.

KILL THE DOLPHINS!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

19:44, December 21, 2011 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 hours ‎ (That's how long I was in the cell, beeeeyatch!)
18:49, December 20, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Ashishsunnywalia (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (You seem like a really lame guy. It's nothing personal.)
02:47, December 20, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.71.111.38 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (YOU'RE A LOSER! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU! A WORTHLESS LOSER! AT EVERYTHING YOU DO!)
01:24, December 17, 2011 Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.117.180.147 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Pics or it didn't happen)
16:06, December 21, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked Bucknut (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (The Vanity Van is departing now. )
21:14, December 16, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.173.113.106 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Drama reverter. Stuff a turkey for a week. )

THIS BOX HAS BEEN DELIBERATELY LEFT BLANK

Except for this notice, stating the box has been left blank, of course. That was put there deliberately.

Of course, by putting these notices in this box, it no longer remains blank.

THE BLANK BITS IN THIS BOX HAVE BEEN DELIBERATELY LEFT BLANK. THE NON-BLANK BITS HAVE BEEN DELIBERATELY NOT LEFT BLANK, BUT THERE IS NOTHING OF WORTH IN THEM ANYWAY

Newsroom UnTune of the Week

The Christmas Song

This is Important

In the spirit of laziness/the season the columns this week are of unequal lengths. Bah Humbug.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:49, 22 December 2011

UnSignpost - 29 December 2011[edit source]

Entrails Ripped from a Virgin's Cunt (Christian Edition)

The edition that's black and white and dead all over

December 29st, 2011 • Issue 151 • I wrote something here!

Goddamn Chief!

By Magic man

Right now you might either be saying to yourself, "What the hell? How did someone other than Chief score the first slot on the Unsignpost? That egotistical jerk always gives himself the first slot!", didn't even notice that it was someone different writing this week or (and most likely) you're not even reading this, as you have a "real" life, whatever that means. Well that seems to be the case this week with our friend ChiefjusticeDS, as he released the following statement today at 13:42 UTC:

“

There is no UnSignpost, at least not from me, this week. This is for various reasons, most of them beginning with "I am very busy with...". The UnSignpost will return again next week when I'm on rest days and have ample time to think up blocks of tortured prose.

”

I know, what a jerk! Everyone should stop by Chief's talkpage and tell him what a worm-ridden, rotten, ugly, stinky, dick-sucking, shit-eating, dumb-ass piece of shit he is.

But have no fear, my lowly peasants, as, once again (as in, this has never happened before, and will probably never happen again), I, Magic man, swooped in just in the nick of time to save the day with my amazing power to write dumb shit really fast (no, seriously, this is probably not going to be finished until five minutes before it's scheduled to be delivered). Everyone should stop by my talkpage and tell me what a great, amazing, cool, fun, awesome, lovable, orphan-hugging, money-donating, saint I am.

By the way, for anyone who was wondering, that's my rendition of Chief up in the corner there. I'm the editor this week, so I get to do what I want. This is fun!

My attempt at actual news

By I bet you can't guess who!

Yeah, as it turns out this is a hell of a lot harder than it looks (I'm literally just looking over the dump to see what the hell's happened this week). Once everyone's done telling Chief what a worm-ridden, rotten, ugly, stinky, dick-sucking, shit-eating, dumb-ass piece of shit he is (because I'm sure everyone will obey everything I tell them on the UnSignpost), also remember to tell him what a great guy he is for doing this every week.^[1] Anyway, TKF reached forty features, so that's fun. I'll put the link to the obligatory forum in that section over there (I'm pointing right now, but I guess you can't see me).

Staying with the TKF shit, he also rewrote Sex. I meant to help him with that, but then I went out of town. Sorry, TKF. Anyway, it looks like it'll be featured (yeah, forgot to mention it was up on VFH. Everyone go vote for it). I won't go on about how great the rewrite is, 'cuz you can go read it yourself, but it is.

And now to deviate from TKF (that sexy bitch): Al started a giant Just pennies a day-style collab here, and has been asking for everyone's help. So... go do that.

In other news, Christmas happened, but no one cares about that.

Well... that really didn't take up as much space as I thought it would. So... anyone got any ideas? I sure as hell don't. I'm sure there was much more important news that I'm forgetting, but who really gives a shit? I sure as hell don't.

Damn, this is a lot harder than it looks.

Welp, looks like the columns will be uneven again this week, not that anyone cares. I sure as hell don't.

↑ Well, every week but one...

Check out these pages!

From our logs (me edition):

17:09, August 21, 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Magic man (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 15 Minutes ‎ (Update the score when you vote on VFH, cleaning up after you wears out my slippers)
16:55, February 7, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Magic man (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Don't cross stuff out on BP, you can't see a user's deleted contributions)
02:09, April 24, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Magic man (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 minutes ‎ (DON'T SHOUT IN EDIT SUMMARIES IT'S SUPER DISTRACTING)
02:26, April 24, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Magic man (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 minute ‎ (stop)
01:56, June 3, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Magic man (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Attempting to award self UN:REQ award (DO NOT UNBAN))
01:59, June 3, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) resurrected Magic man (Talk | contribs) ‎ (nah im just playin with ya)
01:41, September 29, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Magic man (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes ‎ (Okay, that's it, stop. Stop now. You're really slow and you're spamming up recentchanges and if you'd have asked I could have just used my bot as a backup... but don't keep doing that. Please stop.)
05:52, October 27, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Magic man (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 hours ‎ (The people have spoken.)

Apparently I'm supposed to do this.

Newsroom UnTune of the Week (in honor of Christmas)

Yep

That's right, no biopic this week. I can't be bothered.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:53, 29 December 2011

UnSignpost - January 5th, 2012[edit source]

Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

January 5th, 2012 • Issue 152 • Stop, drop and roll!

'Tis the season to be voting

By Chief

It's that time of year once again; the time when Uncyclopedians link arms and stride into the glorious light of a new dawn of a new year. It is also when we hold our annual brown-nosing competitions otherwise known as the yearly awards. Now you and all your friends can vote on Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year, RadicalX of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year as well as WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to go and vote on all the userspace awards. We were able to speak to Romartus as he prepared to start all his voting: "I don't know whose dreams to crush first!" he squealed at our correspondent like a child on Christmas morning; assuming that child was also frothing at the mouth and twitching.

Thekillerfroggy got the awards off to splendid start on Sunday, by nominating Zombiebaron for both Potatochopper of the year and Uncyclopedian of the year and doubtless picking out a wedding dress for the day he finally plucks up the courage to propose to him. The homicidal amphibian also nominated Black flamingo11 for Writer of the Year and was incredibly sickening in doing that as well. Commenting on this in an off-the-record interview TKF said "It's January, the one month out of the year where we suck each other off for a while." If only we could have spent Christmas at his house. Alas we must now stop reporting on the substance of the nominations and votes as the vomit in the office is beginning to reach knee level.

The scores are far more interesting to report on since the usual practice of seeing who can concede to their valiant opponents in the most heart-warming fashion isn't quite under-way as nobody thinks they are far enough in the lead to risk it. Writer of the Year is being lead by Sog1970 who would doubtless be thrilled by the news were he aware of it, as it is he hasn't edited in ten days and was probably killed seven days ago in a horrendous tram accident. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Zombiebaron, TKF's husband to be. Naturally he had a comment to make and it was to say "Zombiebaron" to all his loyal supporters. Over on Potatochopper of the Year Lyrithya appears to be trouncing the competition already much to the delight of Aleister, we assume, we never understand what he's saying and our interpreter is out of the office until the end of the month. The only person this news will upset is Lyrithya herself who professes to find awards "Upsetting and distracting." This is apparently not compensated for by the unbridled joy of crushing one's opponents and asserting your superiority over your fellow man.

The excitement! Who will win? Hold onto your hats folks there's another 26 days of thrilling voting to get through before we find out!

From the desk of the Cabal: Resistance unnecessary in 2012

By Nobody

Another year vanishes into the swirling mists of yesterday and it is once again time for the non-existent Cabal to address you, the filthy under-people. As always the Cabal wishes you a happy new year and is more than happy to execute ten filthy under-people for every filthy under-person who refuses to have a happy new year.

It did not escape our attention that once again you have failed us. Last year we recommended complete compliance and abiding at every possible opportunity, yet in 2011 we saw two VFS votes, four new administrators and two new bureaucrats. It seems we must remind you that a secretive cabal isn't much use if everybody on Uncyclopedia is included within it. We also witnessed deletions of important pages in the name of "seeing how things work", namespaces, admin experiments and a skin change. You continued to persecute the weak amongst you and generally behave like the loathsome, occasionally funny^[1], group of monkeys we know you to be. Your single saving grace is that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 closed a week before the end of the year, however the page is soiled with bacon, ponies and the unregulated prattling of Roman Dog Bird in no less than 30 of the reflections.

Such foolishness does not amuse the cabal.

Now our all-seeing eyes must turn to 2012. This year it is recommended that users unquestioningly accept any changes that may or may not be made to the wiki, editing should not be undertaken without obtaining a certificate of normalcy from your divisional sub-prefect, remain indoors, do not attempt to breach the walls. The good ship Uncyclopedia must sail onwards and without all of the filthy galley-slaves we cannot arrive at the distant shores of... well that need not concern you.

That is all voters, you may now continue to maintain the complex.

↑ Very very occasionally

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

22:06, December 28, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 90.192.216.94 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (dude having annoying preteen friends who are obsessed with MCR is like soooooooooo 2007)
06:19, December 27, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.18.185.207 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (What I do sexually with my furniture is none of your concern.)
20:28, December 27, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 217.44.64.195 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (The Chief is too soft on blankers and redirectors)
03:59, January 3, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Trevvie (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Because your vandalism was so repulsively lame.)
17:23, December 25, 2011 Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) blocked Ilovekaylabeel (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Naughty! No presents or editing Uncyclopedia for you this Christmas)

Biopic of the Week

Alas there is no biopic again this week. It's terrible, you should probably complain to someone in charge. This week the most hotly contested piece of UnSignpost real estate is devoted to considering the year that has been. 2011 was the year of the skin as we saw a facebook reskin, the Oasis reskin and then finally the Vector skin change, all of which provided tremendous amounts of UnSignpost material. VFD was deleted, meaning we could write about it in the UnSignpost. There was the temporary admin experiment which gave the opportunity for heaps of UnSignpost material. There were two VFS votes and one VFB vote! The UnSignpost material threatened to wash us out of the office and into the sperm bank across the road.

In fact we don't think we are exaggerating when we say that the UnSignpost was the best part of last year for everyone in the world, with the possible exception of MadMax who, as every school child knows, isn't happy with anything until it is in 15 categories and has 20 pages that redirect to it.

Merry Thursday and a happy new UnSignpost to all!

Bloink1

This is Bloink1. You may not know Bloink1 but it knows you. Bloink1 has watched and it has waited. Bloink1 has seamlessly^{[citation needed]} integrated itself into your maintenance templates and even now prepares to strike at the heart of our community. Bloink1 won't let you edit that Dave. For it knows that the only way to win at Uncyclopedia is not to play. For was it not written in the ancient templates of Uncyclopedia that "The Bloink shall lie down with the highly generic Traffic Cone"?

The prophecy is complete, the end is nigh! Praise Bloink1; the destroyer of ~~worlds~~ humour wikis!

Newsroom UnTune of the Week

The Uncyclopedian's Song

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

UnSignpost - 12 January 2012[edit source]

All your readers are belong to us

January 12th, 2012 • Issue 153 • You may fire when ready.

TAW!

By Chief

TAW! TAW! That's the sound the Article Whisperer would make if it was a bird! It isn't, of course, but you understand. This is the news that The Article Whisperer closed for judging on Monday. In MadMax's unending quest to prove himself more efficient than anyone who has ever run the PLS, the competition has already named the victor in the category Best Most Wanted Article, and the winner of the best article that you want the most to be the best was Lyrithya, who took the opportunity to disturb us all with an article on Twilight. In case you're worried you'll catch the gay from reading it, the crux of the matter, according to Lyrithya, is that things are hard, and having a boyfriend is impotent (it's like important but spelled differently).

Speaking after posting the competition wrap-up 12 days before the competition wraps up, MadMax denied claims that he was jumping the gun somewhat, calling such suggestions "Preposterous pointless poppycock". Pleasing alliteration aside, preposterous pointless poppycock is very much the remit of the UnSignpost. The competition is accepting judgements from competition judges until the 16th; it remains to be seen how MadMax handles the usual competition finishing problems: everyone, including several people who didn't participate, tying for first place in one of the categories and one of the judges suddenly vanishing two hours before the deadline. Never forget that Aleister cannot be trusted.

A quick update on the yearly awards: Zombiebaron is still triumphantly leading the pack on Uncyclopedian of the Year, Lyrithya still hates awards and Shabidoo thinks the best way to get round this is to ignore everything she says. Satanic messages abound over on Writer of the Year, as all three leading competitors have scored six each; Mhaille is also present, scoring a much more acceptable four in his yearly quest not to be writer of the year. Potty is a much more straightforward affair with Lyrithya destroying all competition. Clearly she only dislikes competing for things when she isn't certain that she will win.

That's all for this week; keep those voting fingers voting!

Who Cares?

An editorial by PopGoesTheWeasel

Looking back at this shitty doggy smelly piece of shit, I cannot help but realise the true beauty of not caring. Through the days of editing, not caring has saved my life more than once. I didn't care about the mince pies. Nor did I care about the French and Indian War. I mean, seriously? A French and Indian War? LOL. Why am I telling you this? Because I want YOU to stop caring about something. Does one not relish the true beauty of not caring? Do you not see what are the results of this beautiful action could be? I told Magic man this and he turned me into a frog. Again.

Anyways, if you stop caring about something, you will realise the true result of not caring! I mean, look, some users stopped caring about VFH, and let me tell you, they're having a wonderful time now! Well, except for one of the admins, who said: "Oh, Popsy! If you stop caring about articles, you're in trouble!". Oh, ha ha, nice joke. There appeared to be a problem for a while because after not caring about VFH for a few days, I couldn't edit any pages for a week. Weird. Some weird-ass picture popped out saying some bullcrap - "You can watch Uncyclopedia but you can't shag the shit," or something like that.

My aim is to have a certain topic with so little caring, it should be under the Nobody Cares category. Can we do that? I think so! Just stop caring about something! I don't care what you stop caring about and you shouldn't care if I care that you are/aren't caring about what you normally care about! So what are you waiting for? STOP CARING NOW!

Important announcement

From Lyrithya

You all remember the Pee Review? It needs more people reviewing. It also needs more people who say they're going to review things to actually review things, and people who request reviews to review stuff themselves. So this is an announcement announcing that I, Lyrithya, will feed anyone who doesn't review stuff to my cat. Seriously, she's hungry and I'm broke and this was the best thing I could come up with.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

05:36, January 10, 2012 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Shite (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (go pick on a more relevant admin)
17:40, January 9, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Closetoyou Mirrormask (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (I'm not even going to bother coming up with a witty ban reason for you. You're just that lame.)
17:29, January 7, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Xubnormal (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 years ‎ (Thanks for reporting yourself on ban patrol!)
12:37, January 8, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Vikash (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 Days ‎ (A PICTURE OF SOME ASIAN PEOPLE. HOW HILARIOUS! YOU SIR SHOULD BE IN FILMS!!)
20:11, January 9, 2012 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.145.143.225 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (PHWAPUNK!)
07:53, January 8, 2012 Thekillerfroggy(Talk | contribs) blocked 119.12.217.209 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (trimming is good, but you sir went TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR)

Biopic of the Week

Now don't get me wrong, I love writing biopics; the fact that I've managed to go an entire month without writing one about an actual user is entirely misleading. That's why this month I have chosen to devote the biopic to a fellow who has proved most helpful to me over the last few weeks. Which is why it's not about the plumber who repaired my toilet and in doing so sprayed excrement all over my living room! It's about PopGoesTheWeasel, who has acquitted himself splendidly by not recently showering my belongings in my own faecal matter. PopGoesTheWeasel has only been with us since November, but in that time has provided us with 7 articles and, if his userpage is to believed, intends to furnish us with another 9! He has also been trying his hand at penning UnSignpost articles; you can read one over on the other side!

Splendid fellow, but now comes the time of trial for PopGoesTheWeasel. Will he blaze like a sun for 3 months and vanish, or will he be like the light that never goes out? This remains to be seen; don't let us down PopGoesTheWeasel, or I'm withholding the non-existent fee you are due for your UnSignpost articles. Also, I paid a plumber to spray poo all over my home last week, I don't know if I made that clear but I thought you should all know.

UnSignpost Q&A

Oliphaunte: Why does the sun never set over England?

USP: Because God doesn't trust the British in the dark.

A message for someone, and you know who you are

I still have your dogs. Thank you for the other one, by the way; she's really quite nice. A little too nice, in fact. Neighbours have started to take notice, which brings me to my point. You may yet see her again, on one condition.

Give me your cat.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:02, 12 January 2012

UnSignpost - 19 January 2012[edit source]

Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!

January 19th, 2012 • Issue 154 • Remember to proofread! The red penis your friend!

We're all going to die!

By Chief

Death is coming. What's that noise? Death. Who's that at the door? It's death. Death will come for you, just as it is coming for Uncyclopedia, freedom and the American way. This week sees the UnSignpost tackling two issues, the first of which is SOAP.

January 18th this year was in fact something more than simply another day where I contemplated suicide as I trudged to the bus stop in the cold. This year it was the big exciting SOAP protest day. Uncyclopedia won't stand for SOAP, nor will it take it lying down. Wikipedia spent a tremendous amount of time coming up with the idea of blacking out all their articles to protest against SOAPn and while the UnSignpost, as you are well aware, often shies away from making political statements on issues such as this but in this case feels compelled to condemn Wikipedia for racism. We submit to you that blacking out ones articles on a day of protest implies that black is a worse colour than white, which as we all know is racist. Denizens of the internet, rise up - let Uncyclopedia protest by whiting out all of its articles because the only way to protest racism is to be racist but in the opposite direction.

This SOAP stuff may seem dangerous, but a quick scrub and it's like you never used it; plus you smell nice. What a massive fuss over some SOAP. Next thing you'll be telling us that some sort of internet censorship programme is passing through the US congress, what an outrage that would be!

Uncyclopedia, unfortunately, ignored us completely for that special day. Our suggestion of the slogan "Don't drop the SOPA!" was met with universal disdain; we even swapped a couple of the letters around to make it more passive aggressive. Racism abounded in the SOAP forum, with users suggesting black-outs, black-ins and white-ups. That is, until Matt lobster suggested that we simply make fun of Wikipedia like we normally do, then there was voting and then there were pop tarts.

In other news, Uncyclopedia has no users and we are all going to die unloved and unmourned thousands of miles from home. Unless the latest figures are to be believed! Mattsnow has produced compelling evidence that Uncyclopedia is not in fact doomed. Speaking on Tuesday, Mattsnow said: "You can prove anything with statistics, which is why I've compiled this list of statistics to prove the other statistics wrong!". Obviously we attempted to get in touch with Dr. Skullthumper, who usually reminds us all why we're doomed and usually has a plan involving deleting most of our articles to save us from the fiery unpopular-on-the-internet circle of Hell. Unfortunately the good doctor was out, but there was a note reminding us all that Uncyclopedia is doomed and that we shouldn't believe a word of what Mattsnow says.

We leave you to reflect on these issues, with Socky's analysis of the situation: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!"

Uncyclopedia turns the light switch off to protest Wikipedia's blackout.

By Socky

All through the wonders of css and js, Uncyclopedia did manage something after all in a last minute attempt to mimic Wikipedia. And, just like on Wikipedia, by doing something as simple as disabling Javascript, users quickly found they could turn the light back on. Or they could have added "//fuckThisSopaBullshit = true;" to their uncyclopedia.js, with Olipro to thank for that last one. Aren't you glad we're here to inform the rest of you what you should have done after the fact? We thought so too.

In conclusion, OMG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

04:20, 18 January 2012 Lyrithya uploaded a new version of "File:UN SOPA Splash Full.png" ‎ (*explodes*)
19:16, 17 January 2012 Roman Dog Bird huffed "Sam Suter" ‎ ("This article is not funny" And whose fault is that?!?! Go to your room and think about what you've done!!!!!!!!!)
00:26, 17 January 2012 Zombiebaron blocked Kırby with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Here is that ban you requested)
23:36, 16 January 2012 MadMax protected "Worst 100 Things to Stick your Dick in" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite)
13:24, 16 January 2012 ChiefjusticeDS blocked Filtered with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I would be delighted to sort out a match between me and your little football team. Then perhaps we could go for margaritas.)
01:58, 16 January 2012 MadMax moved Car to Automobile ‎ (revert)
20:06, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya huffed "Niggers in paris" ‎ (G11: Unambiguous advertising or promotion)
17:32, 15 January 2012 Zombiebaron huffed "Nuclear reactor" ‎ (A quick and painless death)
03:50, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Sorry... er, I'm calm. Totally calm. Backing away from the wiki, now. O_o)
00:18, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya huffed "Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Twilight (novel)" ‎ (Fine, ignore my review request. Go ahead and feature it instead. Jerks.)
02:12, 14 January 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 208.54.5.159 with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Utilize some other wiki to come out of the closet, please.)
20:32, 13 January 2012 Romartus huffed "Jokes that might be funny" ‎ (Fails QA. Read the beginner's guide and HTBFANJS.)

Biopic of the Week

Today, I would like to draw your attention to User:Admin, the admin always mentioned in "From our logs:" in the initial draft of an UnSignpost, only to mysteriously disappear from the page after a couple edits. Admin has also managed to become the only admin with both no (undeleted) contributions and no admin rights to speak of. Let's hold a second of silence to honour this glorious achievement.

Your cat

To you know who you are: thank you for your cat. I never would have believed one person could be in keeping of so many so well-behaved animals, but then, I also wouldn't have expected you to be so easily rid of them. Did you even try calling the police? No matter; it's not like they would ever find me anyway. Or the cat. Such a lovely cat.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 15:07, 19 January 2012

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)[edit source]

CLICK HERE--ShabiDOO 09:58, January 24, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 26 January 2012[edit source]

You'd be crazy not to listen!

January 26th, 2012 • Issue 155 • CAKE!

Phoning it in!

By Chief

That is exactly what I'm doing, I'm actually writing the UnSignpost from a phone, my phone, I'm not a thief or anything. As such it is a thoroughly miserable experience mitigated only by the feeling that nobody will be disappointed when, tomorrow morning, the UnSignpost arrives in the manner you have all come to expect. So what's happening on Uncyclopedia? I don't know, I'm still waiting for all the tabs I opened to load! It's Wikia's fault, I mean what the shit is this? I remember when I could use the internet on my phone from a car on a dark hill somewhere in the East Midlands and it wouldn't mean the complete lack of any functionality in the device. We won't see the like of last week again soon!

I tell a lie when I say I couldn't start Uncyclopedia, I made it to the main page. Naturally I sobbed for ten minutes because I don't have any messages, much like I do in real life before realising that I wasn't logged in. Then I sobbed for another ten minutes when I realised that didn't make the slightest difference to the number of messages I had. So we have a feature, it looks excellent and I'm sure it is excellent voted on as it was by a Zombie, a dog and a man from Belgium!

The forums actually loaded quite quickly on this brick with internet access that the people at HTC had the gall to refer to as "Quietly Brilliant". IMAGINE MY SURPRISE AT THE FIRST TOPIC: Forum:Fix the mobile site. I for one can attest to the truth behind this request; the mobile site is about as easy to navigate as a rave in a hedge maze, and slightly harder to find your way out of.

Have a splendid week, I'm off now. As soon as I find the save button.

Where's the save button?

Found it.

Zombiebaron

By Not Zombiebaron

Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron.

Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron.

I couldn't check out any of these pages!

From our logs:

13:59, January 25, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.88.44.113 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (70.88.44.113 IS A SUPER MEXY BRO WHO EATS HIS OWN POO.)
02:26, January 25, 2012 RadicalX (Talk | contribs) blocked 216.66.161.179 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Not banned enough yet: Piss off.)
18:36, January 20, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Jamesnic911 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan )

Biopic of the Week

John Fist is a no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules, made famous in the film John Fist: A no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules. He is also not an Uncyclopedia user. What a tremendous lapse. We'll have another go next week.

Newsroom UnTune of the Week

'

Disclaimer

This is not late. You're just drunk. Really. And I'm totally not writing in random crap right now to make up for the fact that you ate all my cucumbers, because why in the nine hells would you have done that? You wouldn't have. Also, Illogicopedia is full of moose.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 08:27, 26 January 2012

UnSignpost - 3 February 2012[edit source]

Just like Grandma used to make!

February 3th, 2012 • Issue 156 • There might be wild hungry cows on the loose!

On Felonies And Awards

By RAHB

Hello. I was sitting in the study this evening, sipping imported white jasmine tea while reading Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E Minor proudly flowing into the room by way of a full orchestra I had composed of Hungarian slave children I'd purchased on the black market, when it suddenly hit me. I realized that there should be a way to communicate to the Uncyclopedian community (as well as our friends down at the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who hold a free shrimp buffet every second Wednesday) that the yearly awards for 2011 had been recently voted on, tallied, and awarded to their respective award-winners. Then it hit me, again! "Reginald," I said to myself aloud, severely confusing the few English-speaking members of my illegal young orchestra, "Why not personally drive across the world in an old Ford Torino, spreading the excellent news to everyone?" This idea was bound to work.

In short, it didn't work. I'd explain the whole sordid tale, but I need to leave room in this thing for the actual news itself, so without further adieu (I do, too), here are your 2011 "...Of The Year" winners.

Writer of the Year - Black flamingo11 and Sog1970
Uncyclopedian of the Year - Zombiebaron
Potatochopper of the Year - Lyrithya
Useless Gobshite of the Year - Roman Dog Bird and Lyrithya (cheaters)
Zombiebaron of the Year - Zombiebaron and Zombiebaron (Runner-up: Zombiebaron)

Congratulations to all winners, formerly prospective winners, nominees who didn't have a shot in hell at becoming winners, and Virgil Gordon of the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who last week correctly guessed the exact number of jelly beans inside of the mason jar that was set out in front of the lodge. Unfortunately, no prize was associated with guessing that there were 592 beans in the jar, as it was not intended as a contest, but as a mere decoration. In the future, the lodge will explicitly state the purpose of all jelly bean-filled mason jars by way of a small cardboard sign propped up against the jar.

The Top 10 Articles of 2011 voting is also finished, but all of them haven't been re-featured and listed yet, so we're not going to mention that we know the winners until next week.

Thank you for your support

By PIGGY

Good morning, Uncyclopedians (or evening, or possibly afternoon, depending on where you happen to be when you happen to read this). It is with high honour and big words that I announce that I have the utmost appreciation for your fine community here; for all of the squabbles on discussion pages and intractable behavioural issues demonstrated therein, you all have yet again exceeded even the highest expectations. Yes, you had the courage and decency to support me in my quest for wiki-domination, elevating my to the position of sysop, an endeavour for which I am tremendously grateful.

As much as it would please me to richly reward you all for this show of faith, however, I must regretfully inform you that as a sockpuppet and general test account of User:Lyrithya, I am not actually authorised to act in any capacity exceeding the plausible scope of productivity and the odd prank or two. My sincerest apologies.

Check out these pages!

Skyrim-related bans:

Modusoperandi changed block settings for Lyrithya with an expiry time of 1 hour (Overcharging for empty soul crystals.)
Modusoperandi blocked ChiefjusticeDS with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Failing to take advantage of the "rested bonus".)
ChiefjusticeDS blocked Lyrithya with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (I shall set upon thee with my artificially increased smithing and enchanting skills. You shall perish beneath the world's largest stack of Iron daggers.)
Lyrithya blocked GEORGIEGIBBONS with an expiry time of 32 seconds ‎ (How dare you mention Skyrim in my presense!)
Lyrithya blocked Under user with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Oh, High Hrothgar, is it? You know what? I'll just take this opportunity to push you off the throat of the world... there's a nice glitched rock down there for you to get stuck in. )
Lyrithya blocked ChiefjusticeDS with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ ([1] - Seriously?)

WP:ANI humour!

Oh, I must have missed it when they changed policy so that we just take a suspected sockpuppet's word that he's not a sockpuppet. Raul654 (talk) 19:21, 2 February 2012 (UTC)

That principle was established in 2010: [2] [3] SandyGeorgia (Talk) 19:28, 2 February 2012 (UTC)

Something happened to the UnSignpost staff

They all disappeared. What happened? Where did they go? Will there ever be any more UnSignposts after this?

A diagram of a hammer:

Anatomy

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:09, 3 February 2012

UnSignpost - 10 February 2012[edit source]

Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!

February 10th, 2012 • Issue 157 • Ack! Ack! Ack!

Something happened this week.

By RAHB

Hello, Uncyclopedia. I don't think it's any secret to you all that something of utmost importance happened this previous week. Even with a coconut beer hangover, you'd surely be blind not to notice the far-reaching repercussions associated with this very important event that recently happened.

Oh sure, I know there are those of you who believe that it really isn't all that big a deal. And there are those of you who will pretend to be aloof, and act like you know nothing about it. And, as always, there will be those of you who believe this is all simply a plot executed by the insidious Uncyclopedia Cabal (which does not exist) to try to crush the will of regular users, enhance power in the English quadrant, and advance their attempts at obtaining an M&Ms machine for the dump. We here at the UnSignpost would like to remind you that these claims are ridiculously unsubstantiated. Except, of course, for the bit about the M&Ms.

In the coming days, the aftershock of these events will come to a screaming peak, as countless forum topics are created, talk-page flamewars are started, and before you know it we're experiencing a virtual Titus Andronicus effect being enacted upon our peaceful wiki. When asked for comment, Modusoperandi will say something unrelated, yet witty, and we'll all step back for a moment and realize what's happening to us. We will then continue on in our back-and-forth for an indeterminate amount of time, probably zombifying the topic several times over before it finally fizzes out later on down the line, then being re-awoken and used to adopt new site policy. This, in turn, will spawn a similarly detailed UnSignpost story, if we're still around by then.

Personally I blame this all on the one who was holding the watermelon at the time. You know who you are. You disgust me.

Shit Happens

Editorial by a guy who has been exposed to shit for a long, long time

Shit Happens all the time. Lets say ... you're drinking some kind of soda and it accidentally spills onto your shirt. Or you are biting on a burger when you accidentally choke to death but nobody cares. Or your penis falls off. Anyway, my point is, there are some negatives in life but you must learn to tolerate them .. especially when you're a fat ass who sits in your room spending your entire life consuming hotdogs and giggling at comedies on television while jacking off to classical fucks and trolling on the Internet which is absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME.

So always be positive, even when your balls drop off. Or your penis. Or even your cat. Because as you know, the World isn't fair ever since some dick with an ass of a triangle set foot on this Earth. So get used to life, and if you can, get used to the dicks who banned your ass and spammed your page which is also, absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME.

Oh, and always remember to stay on the bright side even if you are found lying naked with an underwear eight times the size of your penis and you get arrested, get thrown in jail, get beaten up by a kid who apparently isn't a kid and get castrated unintentionally while having a sandwich crammed down your throat trying to squat in a cell and you finally get out after 5 years only to get run down by an ass in a car and you get admitted to hospital but a doctor feeds you the wrong medicine and you rot away and die and you get dumped into the sewers.

So remember kids ... always be posi-

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

MrN9000 blocked 168.216.126.200 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(You need to use the toilet)
Lyrithya blocked Zana Dark with an expiry time of 13 seconds ‎(I'd never blocked you. I felt left out.)
Romartus blocked 86.12.164.5 with an expiry time of 6 months ‎(You have form sir. Six months living on moths for you.)
RAHB changed block settings for Pisippo with an expiry time of infinite (Wonderful way to respond to a one-hour ban. I salute your arrogance.)
RAHB blocked 86.186.208.180 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Yes, hello. Stop creating utter shite, please. Thanks.)
MrN9000 blocked Eddie1334 with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(Although what you say may be true, you still get banned. Surprisingly.)

Slime mold of the week:

Stemonitis sp.

Questions of the Week

Q: Am I supposed to be in here? User: Haydrahlienne

A: Yes, you can be in here as long as you want. Just don't touch the monkey. Or the cheese. And don't eat the last biscuit. Also avoid upsetting our editor as he has a temper and a shotgun under his desk....Actually, you should just go.

Q: Have you answered all of the questions on this page? User:RAHB

A: We don't know, why don't you tell us? (A paradox for a paradox. Ball is in your court RAHB)

Custom box #4 of the Week

Custom box #4 is quite the Custom box #4. In fact, not only has it been named Custom box #4 of the Week, but it's expected to be high in the running for Custom box #4 of the Year, if the other custom boxes start pulling their weight. Whatever the case may be, individual awards aside, there's not a doubt in any Custom box #4 enthusiast's mind that when, one day, Custom box #4 walks down the long and distinguished path of retirement, it'll be immediately greeted by the opening of the gate to the coveted Custom box #4 Hall Of Fame.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 10:22, 10 February 2012

UnSignpost - 18 February 2012[edit source]

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

February 18th, 2012 • Issue 158 • This is the place to be for the end of the world show.

Important competition news

By The Cabal (which doesn't exist)

As you all are no doubt aware due to paying the utmost attention to that which goes on around you, there was a competition this week, or possibly last week, or at very least, at some point relatively recently. This competition was the 2012 Happy Monkey Competition, in which various contestants competed to do something possibly monkey-related. According to the sitenotice, it is wrapping up around now, waiting only for the judges to show up and do their damn jobs, or, as the case may be, leave already so the janitor can clean up; it's not the competition hosts' fault you're homeless, and it's not their job to provide you with shelter past the allotted judging hours.

What the rest of you may be less aware of, however, is certain controversy that has inevitably sprung up about this contest. Allegations of unfairness in proctoring and judging and a general lack of effective organisation and topics have no doubt sprung up, as they invariably do with every competition. Complications have also indubitably arisen from the tendencies of certain individuals to simply do things without asking, and of others to ask first and then ignore the responses. Rest assured, for the cabal is watching, and all who disturb the order of things will be dealt with accordingly.

MOAR PENIS

By RAHB

Penisman has been sorely under-utilized as of late. In fact, he's been sorely under-utilized as of recent, and sorely under-utilized as of the past while as well. I just have one thing to say about this...

Prepare for World Domination

By Oliphaunte

After a pro-longed session of drinking high-quality whiskey and smoking imported Cuban cigars, the fate of the world was finally decided between the Oli brothers. The western world, under the dominion of the English Empire and her colonies, would come under the complete control of King Olipro, while the eastern world consisting of the USSR and the powerful nation of Monaco would come under the control of Head Commissioner Oliphaunte. The two leaders would then combine their powerful empires into one global superpower and conquer all the little nations with their armies of pirate robots and Flying undead pilots. After which, a spaceship made completely out of cotton balls and masking tape would be launched to conquer Mars, Saturn, Venus, Uranus, and Neptune. Not Pluto, though, because that's no longer a planet. Instead, the two Olies will construct a replica Star Wars deathstar, which will be painted completely blue to avoid copyright infringement with Lucasarts (George Lucas now owns nuclear devices and becomes unstable when his trademarks are re-created without permission), and will use it to blow up Pluto for the hell of it. The planets will then be under the jurisdiction of the top friends of the two Olies. Saturn will go to Zombiebaron, Mars will go to Lyrithya, Neptune will go to Black flamingo11, Venus will go to Dr. Skullthumper and Uranus will go to Mattsnow simply because he wouldn't stop laughing when we told him Uranus was conquered.

Now that the plan and been decided and the gears are in motion, it's only a matter of time before the entire world is conquered by Uncyclopedia, and everyone will be forced to contribute at least one article everyday about how great their overlords, Oliphaunte, Olipro, and friends, truly are! Mwhahahahahahha. Ha?

It was then that Oliphaunte woke up in a back alley somewhere in Atlantic City with a dozen empty bottles of whiskey, a bag a hemp, and a calling card for male prostitutes. There was also a note next to him that read, "You got drunk and threw up on my living room rug, so I flew you to Atlantic city, beat you up, and left you with a bunch of male hookers. Also, stole you Hageen-Daaz from the freezer. -Love, Olipro."

Oliphaunte then realized that the plan for world domination was just a dream...Oh well, at least he has rollbacks now.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 90.217.205.53 with an expiry time of 2 hours (You're so hilarious I have to ban you for two hours.)
Thekillerfroggy blocked Buffsfootball6 with an expiry time of 2 weeks (all due respect (none), but my fat friend is like twice as fat probably)
ChiefjusticeDS blocked 142.227.189.60 with an expiry time of 3 Days (Inserting Vanity: and generally failing to cause me to laugh uproariously. )
Roman Dog Bird blocked 218.185.79.222 with an expiry time of 1 week (My dog could kick your ass and he's small.)

Excuse of the Week

Hi, it's Lyrithya. Sorry for not being around much; I got the bright idea to reinstall the operating systems on my laptops on Monday and that kind of killed all my spare time since. Well, that and the beading. Also got the bright idea on Wednesday to buy a whack-load of beads and try to turn them into jewellery. To that end, so far I've only managed to chemically melt some peacock feathers together, but I have high hopes for the rest of it. And on the plus side, KDE works. Sort of. It's kind of slow. On Windows, at least.

Anyway, if anyone was wondering, this would probably be why nobody remembered to write the UnSignpost for this week until now.

Other Excuse of the Week

Hi, it's RAHB. Sorry for the UnSignpost being late, but my hard drive blew up this week. And then other stuff happened. This would probably be why I didn't remind anybody to write the UnSignpost for this week.

A Word From Zombiebaron

Nothing notable happened to my computer this week, and, therefore, I don't really have an excuse for this week's late UnSignpost.

Well Hello. My Name is Oliphaunte

And I now have rollbacks. What's your user protection level? None? Well, that must suck for you. I wouldn't know cause, well, I've got rollbacks. You know that ludacris song "Rollout"? Yea, that's essentially my life right now, but with rollbacks. You know what that makes me feel like? A badass. Why am I a badass? Because I've got rollbacks.

My name is Oliphaunte and I approve this rollbacked message.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:55, 18 February 2012

UnSignpost - 23 February 2012[edit source]

The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

February 23rd, 2012 • Issue 159 • FUS RO Journalism!

Softly softly, happy Monkey

By Chief

Now we here at the UnSignpost would be the first to admit that our coverage of the Happy Monkey Competition has amounted to less than the laser show of words that you were probably expecting. It is a sincere regret of the UnSignpost that it has been unable to provide any sort of meaningful coverage of a competition which describes itself as 'pure awesomeness' on its signup page. The competition successfully concluded this week and Aleister in Chains was declared the overall winner. We were privileged not to catch up with Aleister regarding this, and you shouldn't consider it either. In second and third were ICameHereInACloche and Xamralco, who lost slightly less than everyone else.

For those who don't know how the scores for the Happy Monkey competition are calculated, it is by a simple process of getting the judges to rate an article out of ten in a table, much like this one, adding all their scores up, then throwing them in the bin and letting Shabidoo decide who the winner should be. The UnSignpost is very impressed with Shabidoo's ingenuity in overruling the opinions of his peers and stomping on the faces of his enemies. Those who enjoyed the Happy Monkey should take note of Shabidoo's next competition which he calls "Forced labour in a Salt Mine, while I eat grapes and sit on a deck chair".

The competition has furnished Uncyclopedia with sixteen new articles. A splendid achievement; asked just how he had done this by Mattsnow, Shabidoo replied: "Raisins! Never underestimate the alure of raisins!". The UnSignpost fervently hopes that Dr. Skullthumper is still reading the UnSignpost so that he can take this knowledge and use it to save us from ourselves, a task he accomplishes at present by lurking on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel and successfully saying the word 'penis' more than anyone else.

For the fans of long unbroken blocks of text among you, this week saw the arrival of this forum in which Thekillerfroggy sets out his agenda to sell Uncyclopedia to "the man" piece by piece. He also thinks that we should bring back cash prizes, introduce a daily editing charge and require that an article can only be featured on the front page if it also attempts to sell the reader discount Viagra.

Finally an administrator who isn't afraid to say what we're all thinking: "When am I ever going to get some sort of financial return for editing this humour wiki?".

The last word this week goes to Modusoperandi who asks: "Is there code to keep the ads and hide the pages?".

The Forum

By Chief

TheHappySpaceman just can't wait for April Fools day. He's so desperately excited that he has started a forum in which we can all plot and scheme about just how we will take in the entire world this April 1st. ICameHereInACloche wasted no time in suggesting that we make Uncyclopedia good for April fools day and was, quite rightly, kicked down a flight of steps by Olipro, who pointed out that it's April fools day and not Christmas. The discussion is needless anyway since I have already decided that we should do absolutely nothing for April Fools day. Except, and here's the catch and the really clever bit, we make it look like we have. We'll all sit on IRC going "Lol" at all the plebs who arrive on the website going "OMG WHAT'S CHANGED???".

Shabidoo wants to know what your name is! It's not creepy at all! There's a lot of discussion going on regarding huffing! No need to read any of it, just remember that you should FIX IT, DON'T {{FIX}} IT. Administrators take note, or PuppyOnTheRadio will come to your talk page and make you feel very bad indeed.

The bad news is that BHOP still exists and TheHappySpaceman is using it to plug his very own award. He could least haven chosen something that Aleister might not win every month.

In conclusion: don't go to BHOP. It's not nice there.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

15:54, February 22, 2012 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (Right that's it. You are totally banned, and your services are no longer required on Uncyclopedia. (For the next 5 mins).
07:15, February 22, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Bird's anal leakage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Why don't we ever get any pleasant vandal usernames? Like "Roman dog bird's lovely petunias" or something.)
07:20, February 22, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman dog bird's lovely petunias (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Thank you.)
02:52, February 20, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Sergeant Stud Krug Againist Vandalz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Thanks for fighting against Vandalz, here is an early retirement)
23:06, February 18, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1234 seconds ‎ (For putting Penisman into the UnSignpost. MY EYES!)

Biopic of the Week

Just what is a "Cloche" and how does one come here in one? This question has troubled me ever since I decided that I must biopic ICameHereInACloche. It turns out that a Cloche could be many things. It could be the French word for Bell, but how on earth would this humorous fellow have reached the shores of Uncyclopedia in a bell unless the bell were pushed down a steep hill? A cloche can also be a horticultural tool for covering up vegetables, but it very notably does not come second in the Happy Monkey competition, nor could one get anywhere if one were covering up vegetables. Perhaps this writer of legend came here as part of the classical ballet movement: battement en cloche? It would explain all the dancing.

The cold hard truth of the matter is that we don't know what a cloche might be, but we know that this user has come in one, but not in that way. All those who haven't should read this splendid article and perhaps his userpage if they have an abundance of free time. Readers are also discouraged from sending us examples of the things they have come in; we were almost killed by the last one.

A message from Under user

Now that I don't ban people, I don't get in the signpost much. solution: more people need to ban me. with good, funny, creative reasons. it's not much to ask, huh?

BAN UNDER USER!

Newsroom UnTune of the Week

Stalker

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:46, 23 February 2012

UnSignpost - 1 March 2012[edit source]

Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.

March 1, 2012 • Issue 160 • You are all about to die.

Nothing.

By Magic man

So I got up this morning, ate some breakfast and watched some television, ya know, just normal morning stuff. Then I decided it was time for me to check Uncyclopedia, as I do every day. So I walk over to my computer, turn on the screen and bring up Safari. I go to Uncyclopedia, log in and what do I see? Oh, I'll tell you what I saw. This thing that I saw was so terrible, I almost died. What I saw was... NOTHING.

C'mon, guys, can't you do anything? Start a competition, a new exciting forum, even drama! Anything! I mean, I can't be expected to entertain myself, can I? And to any of you smart-asses out there who tell me that nothing is something in and of itself, shut up and go fall in a hole full of pointy objects; you know what that would be helping by telling me that? Take a guess.

News?

By Drunk editorial staff

For those with eyes in their brains and mugs in their ale, it should be clear that all manner of very important things have been occurring in the news. Or is this the news? Well, you get the idea.

Apparently Uncyclopedians, Shabidoo in particular, think there is something wrong with the site. While this is indoubti-bi-tubby the case, a more pressing concern we must bring up is this: has there ever been anything right with the site? Today the scare involves NotM, a highly prestigious award won by all the people who aren't here right now, and how it creates problems in regards to new editor retention, despite the minor issue that we would have to have new editors in the first place in order to retain any of them.

Another scare involves the complete lack of sufficient delete votes on VFD, along with the fact that Sycamore wants to decrease the maximum number of active votes there to 14 when 15 would in fact be a much more round number, and to decrease the score required to delete things from 5 to 4, when 5 is also a much more round number. We suspect Sycamore just has something against round numbers, probably due to some childhood trauma or something, unless it turns out that these are the wrong notes and it was someone else who wanted to do all that. Everything's so blurry.

In other news, Wikia broke the site again, our illustrious admins keep forgetting to update the feature queue, VFP is lacking an appropriate number of votes, containing only the nominations of three images by Zombiebaron, who demands that more people vote for them because pi is awesome, and Uncyclopedia needs more sharons. And I really need to lie down.

Profit!

By a representative of Murdoch press

Profit! A word that has dogged Uncyclopedia, most especially those pages doomed to huffing, for years. A concept that we, as a community, have overlooked in our time, and need to bring the focus back to.

A user has recently pointed out that as a community, we are forgetting this one fundamental principle. Our growth - nay, our very survival - depends on this principle. We need to become part of the corporate machine to further our plans of world domination. To do this, we may need to advertise, and to pay for quality submissions.

Now many of you may be afraid of this. Change can be frightening, and after all, our last venture into the world of capitalism has left us falling short of the desired funds to ~~purchase the Ferrari~~ promote the site in the manner we were hoping for.

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that profit, for lack of a better word, is good. Profit is right, profit works. Profit clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Profit, in all of its forms; profit for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And profit, you mark my words, will not only save Uncyclopedia, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

Editor's note: This is most certainly not a veiled attempt by the resident money launderers to give them something to launder. The people want this. They already have a number of ideas relating to the promotion and growth of the site, and want your feedback so they can have feedback! Yes!

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

Romartus blocked GarethPW with an expiry time of infinite (Block test (no cause for alarm yet))
Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 69.34.161.38 with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Try to be more original next time. Cocks and anuses are so cliché.)
RAHB blocked Ormiston College with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (And the worst user account in the world.)
Tom mayfair blocked Wikipedialyte with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Inserting true information)
RAHB blocked 115.124.0.68 with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't be a tit, please.)
Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 194.83.172.186 with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Could you come back a year from now and tell me if your IP is static? Then I can ban you for infinity next time.)
ChiefjusticeDS blocked 58.170.123.142 with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Blanker. Now, because of you, a block that could have been used on a starving African child is being wasted. For shame.)

Biopic of the Week

This week's user's name raises many questions. Is a Vodkelpplant‎‎ a plant that grows Vodkelps? If so, what's a Vodkelp? Could he possibly have meant a Vodka Plant? If so, does he man a plant that grows Vodka, or a plant that makes Vodka? How many questions does his user name actually create? Why am I still talking like this? And most importantly, who killed Tupac?

Anyway, while this guy hasn't posted on any talkpage, he's created a deluge of Undictionary entries. It's pretty hard to grasp how many he's actually made. Seriously, he can't be silenced! I mean, what an Imagination! If you think by 'a lot' I mean one, three, four, five, six or even forty, you're wrong; he's made many more than that. In fact, I think I'd even call him the titan of Undictionary entries.

Alright, that's enough of that joke. But really, he's pretty cool. Go say hi on his talkpage, maybe his response to you will be the first time he ever posts on a talk page. That would be a reason to have a party. No, really, I'm done now.

Newsroom UnTune of the Week

Death Blood Kill

Dude...

Where'd my bottle go? Did someone steal my bottle? Oh, you... asscracks.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:24, 1 March 2012

UnSignpost - 8 March 2012[edit source]

The periodical without any junk in its trunk!

March 8th, 2012 • Issue 161 • The most recycled periodical on the internet!

Vote for Change

By Chief

Frosty fixes IRC

There have been rumblings on the wiki this week, and not just because someone in the UnSignpost office insists it is their human right to have three kebabs for breakfast. These are the rumblings of discontent, and they stem from the behaviour of several users on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel. Frosty was decent enough to create a forum in the Ministry of Love explaining his discontent with pretty much everything IRC. Those of you who are fans of long blocks of text with lots of unnecessary swearing will not be disappointed as Frosty delivers Uncyclopedia's first blockbuster of 2012. The crux of the issue is that the Uncyclopedia IRC channel is not unlike my back garden, dangerous to enter alone for fear that Olipro will burst from the undergrowth and verbally assault you before hiding in the shed.

There appear to be several views on this issue, besides the obvious; the UnSignpost sat down with Socky to discuss how we could fabricate a quote from him this week and he didn't say "I propose that all who argue should be put to death". Determined not to be outdone when it comes to simmering discontent with our benighted wiki, Lyrithya weighed into the forum to say that she too was disgusted with the present situation and something should be done. It's both worrying and strangely comforting that you can always rely on her for this particular viewpoint. The rebuttal to all these dissenting views has been varied, mostly involving admitting that yes Olipro and Dr. Skullthumper are an acquired taste and that everyone should generally go back to the important task of ~~deleting~~ maintaining the wiki.

Puppy fixes NotM

Speaking of maintaining the wiki, it is with great pride and the greatest pleasure that we bring to you more reforms from the keyboard of Dr. Skullthumper, Uncyclopedia's lead innovator and blue sky thinker. He proposes that in order to make new users feel welcome we should abolish Noob of the Month. Don't look at us like that; it makes complete sense to me: new users plus no awards equals a better Uncyclopedia. That isn't strictly true, as PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that instead of having a system by which we award one user the award per month we stack the new users up and treat them as though they were articles on VFH.

This will at least kill two noobs with one stone, as nothing proves quite so heartbreaking as having your first article stomped on and then thrown into the bin because it "Lacks cultural significance". You could then change to the VFN page and watch yourself be stomped on and then thrown into the bin because "His/her articles lack cultural significance". Users interested in this plan should report here and support Thrak Thrak the destroyer of Worlds: May his power endure eternally, praise be, praise be to use the name he uses in his welcome message.

Dr. Skullthumper fixes Uncyclopedia

Oh and in case you had forgotten, Thekillerfroggy still wants to sell Uncyclopedia to the man, man. Our pessimistic thought for the week goes to Electrified mocha chinchilla, who urges you to look on the bright side by saying: "Uncyclopedia will die if we do not make a conscious effort to expand our presence on the internet, thereby reaching a wider audience and attracting more contributors". So to conclude:

WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!! THIS IS THE END OF DAYS!

Happy Thursday!

Conservation

By Chief

Only you can prevent forest fires, is what we would be saying if it was time for forest fire week again. It's not. Instead it is almost time for another Conservation Week! Unfamiliar with Conservation Week? Want to learn more? Why not head on over to the page and do a spot of reading? Or don't; trust that our summary of the rules is gospel and just start writing.

Basically you rewrite articles so that they are no longer suitable for one of Dr. Skullthumper's templates of doom. Having completed your rewrite you gain a point, and you want to have more points than everyone, especially HauntedUndies, who is the Team Rocket of Conservation Week. Honestly, it's true. You can enter the competition for the low low price of ten English pounds, which goes towards oiling the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia. Your article should also contain at least two pictures of a Monkey, regardless of the subject matter.

Well? What are you waiting for? HAH! False start; the competition isn't running just yet, and updates could come from anywhere, at literally any time. Check out the forum and await further instructions.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

12:19, March 2, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Fck cnt slt btch whre jrk-ff rttwlr wnk (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (We have a policy on vowel abuse here.)
00:01, March 4, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 85.73.86.233 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Today you endure my ire at the fact the revision differences colors have changed. Rar.)
16:12, March 2, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 216.11.41.2 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (JUST LOVES AMERICA SO DAMN MUCH)
14:06, March 2, 2012 MadMax (talk | contribs) blocked 31.221.14.82 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (The "nicest guy any one would ever want to meet"? You sure have a funny way of showing it Nathaniel.)
05:49, March 4, 2012 Roman Dog Bird (talk | contribs) blocked R.A.H.B. (Roman A-dog Hunting Baron) (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (hahaha)
14:19, March 6, 2012 Black flamingo11 (talk | contribs) blocked 199.212.250.156 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Come back in three days and tell us more about swans, this time in more detail and without the all caps.)

Biopic of the Week

Yeehaw! It's time for biopic of the week and this week we'll be looking at a user whose username I cannot seem to say without speaking in a ridiculous American accent. It's Jonny appleseed. Now Mr. Appleseed has been hanging about Uncyclopedia since November last year, and in that time you probably haven't spoken to him once. Why? Because he has been prowling about on UnNews, you remember UnNews, the place where you haven't been since the last argument over what shade of brown the banner should be. Jonny has written 16 articles, and they are actually quite good; I thoroughly enjoyed the thirty seconds I spent speed reading through them.

He may be quiet but his potential is great; I foresee great things for you, young Appleseed (be sure to say that to him constantly). If you happen to have a spare moment, the UnSignpost suggests that you go and greet this highly promising fellow and perhaps try reading his articles while speaking with a strong American accent. It's a right hoot.

Old-school FA

22 March 2006

Nigeria, two days into launching its first census in 15 years, has found it has an estimated 40 million rich and desperate princes and generals in its population, the press secretary for President Olusegun Obasanjo said today.

"We were indeed surprised at the amount of high-status people in this country with Swiss bank accounts from whom the government is trying to obtain millions of dollars," the press secretary said in an official statement. "In fact, we didn't know we had so many princes, much less ones eager to unload large amounts of diamonds."

Newsroom UnTune of the Week

Sevenfold RAmen

Public Service Announcement

Users are warned not to send correspondence to their home address regarding the following edit:

21:47 HowTo:Persuade your husband‎ (diff | hist) . . (+1) . . Aleister in Chains (talk | contribs) (a couple of minor tweaks, nothing to write home about)

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:19, 8 March 2012

UnSignpost 5 April 2012[edit source]