Uncyclopedia:DYK submissions/Do you care

"Do You Care" is mainly for highlighting great past articles. Please see Uncyclopedia:DYK submissions to make "Do You Know?" submissions.

A list of previously-featured articles may be found here. "Do you care" entries follow a similar format to DYK, but use 'facts' from the previously-highlighted articles. Anything else may be better suited to the main DYK list.

Each entry should begin with '*...that ' and should link to the corresponding source article(s). Note that the DYK/DYC boxes on the main page are randomised (to display just one of the entries at a time) and protected (so they must be updated by an admin before facts suggested below become an Uncyclopedia reality).

Example[edit source]

Do you care...

...that if you enter a japanese game show you need a VISA and 2 Blue Peter Badges?
...about me?
... that Anonymous is the most prolific writer that ever lived?
... that in 1996 Internet downloading officially replaced murder as the seventh deadly sin?
... that the winner of the Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition receives not only a golden trophy, but also the right to be the primary enemy of the United States of America for one year?
... that air guitars typically have 6 strings and 24 frets?
... that the KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand by IKEA is one of the finest, clearest and most popular design examples of self-assembly furniture ever devised?
... that my Sharona is just a game in my mind. Is it just a matter of time?
...that you are writing an article on this page?

Existing DYC entries[edit source]

...that speech to text software and is a tool used to convert the spoken word into text format buyer at Compu term macro phone backspace a Computer microphone question mark

...that the Poof, There It Is Theory is one of the most popular theories used to explain the creation of the universe?

...that AAAAAAAAAAAA!

...that you are a precocious, introverted eleven year old boy with square glasses?

... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accoutrements as alarmingly asinine alignments?

...that a barrel clown is a clown that sleeps in every 14th construction barrel on the road? They sit in there all day, eating sandwiches until somebody hits their barrel with their car.

...that seal clubbing is a national pastime in Canada? (pictured)

...that a Cabbage can kill you just by looking at you funny? They rip people in half all the time, and roll around in their bloody entrails. They wouldn't even think twice about tearing off your arm, and jamming it through your eyesocket so that the fingers are sticking out your mouth, and then kicking you in the nuts, which would make you BITE YOUR OWN FINGERS OFF. The purpose of the cabbage is to flip out and KILL.

...that, according to Aesop, a tortoise and a hare agreed to race? The hare took off at a tremendous pace, but lay down to sleep on the way. The slow but steady tortoise thus emerged victorious. Moral: Tortoises frequently carry rohypnol. Never leave your drink unattended when tortoises are about.

...that, according to the DPRK, "Kim Jong-Il is regarded by many as the greatest being that the entirety of humanity has ever seen?

...and has caught Mew in Pokémon, obtained the Triforce in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and resurrected Aeris in Final Fantasy VII?"

...that Afghanistan is a country located in Central Asia and in the Middle East, serving as a vital bridge between “nations that like to blow themselves up” and “nations that nobody really cares about"?

...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?

...that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.

... that all of Grover Cleveland's presidencies were ended by successful assassinations?

...that All Your Base Are Belong To Us?

...that Alternative Medicine is a broad term describing those things which differ from actual medicine, which is hopelessly unhip and square. None of them are quite as healthy as you putting the bong down and getting some fresh air and exercise, but what are the odds of that happening?

...that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?

...that as soon as you compare someone to Hitler, you lose the argument immediately, the thread closes, and you are Banned from the Internet? Proposing war for the purity of the Aryan blood is an effective way to trick your opponent into comparing you with Hitler; you will also win a Certificate of Hitlertude.

...that Ayn Rand's Fountainhead Earth series achieved negative sales, with critics sending their copies back as returns and more copies being remaindered than were actually printed?

...that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?

...that bloodbath is one of the most frequently attended spectator sports; Major League Bloodbath matches are enjoyed by millions of people everyday on the radio and TV?

...that Dake-Bonoism is a modern synthesis of the pentecostal teachings of the late Rev. Finis Jennings Dake and lyrical writings of Bono (lead singer for the popular Irish band U2)?

...that dentists have admitted that, thanks to the invention of the electric toothbrush, they are now pretty much useless? Many only survive by living on the street and collecting donations from people who give them money because they don't realize that they are dentists.

...that Emoticonics, a well regarded and inconcievable science with a rich history and creamy centre, was established in the early eighteen sixty ones by Anonymous and was initially concerned almost entirely with developing a method for the faceless to convey emotion? ;)

...that Fanfiction.net, originally formed to distribute Harry Potter slash/fiction, was created by Josef Mengele as a means to test the limits of human endurance?

...that Fecal E.Coli is the flagship product of the legendary Coca Coli Company?

...that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?

...that Gibberish is a European language spoken on the windswept steppes of the British-controlled Iberian region of Gibraltar?

... that Gödel's famous Incompleteness Theorem states that no Talk page is ever complete? He proved it by the diagonalization method, forming a diagonal string of comments of "we should end this discussion now" entries. This result was later improved on by repeatedly adding of "Shut up".

...that God is possibly the best known fictional entity on Earth after the Beatles? He was elected to be our god for the 2006th year running this year, barely beating the Egyptian sun god Ra, Omnipotent Odin, and the Almighty Prune (still recovering from alcoholism). He is also dog spelled backwards.

... that I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle?

...that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?

...that in German, you can easily wordyouanywaylikesentencetogetherputtingbybuild? In fact, it's mandatory. Talk like Yoda and take out the spaces.

...that in late 2001, President Bush declared total war on Planet Earth and all nation states and ecosystems harboring life?

...that in the Perpetual 80's alternate universe, after December 31, 1989 all time-keeping devices revert back to Tuesday, January 1, 1980 due to a bug in the alternate universe's C64 system code?

... that it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?

...that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?

... that It's A Wonderful Life's George Bailey was one of the most renowned criminals of the 1940s?

... that J.D. Salinger was this guy, he was a writer I think? He wrote this book, it was about baseball or bread or something.

... that Seigenthaler was himself assassinated on live TV in 1964 but made a special pact with Satan to preserve his living body, at the cost of his soul? Satan found his soul too small and stringy to be nutritious, and threw it in the garbage bin where it was never found.

... that Keira Knightley In A White Corset And Kate Beckinsale In A Black One is a 2006 film starring Keira Knightley in a white corset and Kate Beckinsale in a black one? The film was titled according to the 2005 Hollywood Truth In Titling regulations.

... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?

... that Kool Aid was a benefit concert held in order to help cool people everywhere, who were struggling to maintain their hip status in a world filled with squares?

... that Lord Byron was killed on May 25, 1840, in a pistol duel with Oscar Wilde at Wilde's East London apartment in what was promoted by Don King as the "Spat in the Flat"?

... that ** HTTP Error 403: Can't touch this! **?

...that middle and high schools in America frequently exaggerate the intelligence, achievements and superpowers of the country’s Founding Fathers?

... that Mordor is a former Soviet nation, which became an autonomous republic in 1984 with the fall of Hadrian's Wall? It borders Slovenia, Land of the Dead, Euthanasia, Ankh-Morpork, Magincia, Cop Land and Iraq.

... that Much Ado About Yokels by William Shakespeare is sassy, witty, funny, scathing, poised, naïve, twitterpated, smarmy, biting, sarcastic, caustic, intrepid, loathsome, riotous, and a terrible piece of theatre? After this play was published in 1902, it was doubtful that Shakespeare would ever work in Hollywood again.

... that Newmath was approved by Minitrue for inclusion into the Oceania state newcurriculum in 1984, along with newspeak and goodthink?

... that nobody cares?

... that Nostradamus was regarded as one of the best prophecy writers of the 13th century, penning the bestsellers The Da Vinci Code and 1984 which both won Ivor Novello Awards for their lyrical content? Most prophets of his generation were stoned, but he was more unconventional, preferring to inject marmite.

...that not since Pot v. Kettle has the Supreme Court presided over a more important case than Raccoon Tail v. Super Mario Cape?

... that Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies was added to the "Dummies" series in 2002 in light of a sudden demand for cheaper heart surgery? The do-it-yourself method was popularised by this book, written by Gerald Carter, a freelance writer with no medical experience whatsoever.

... that Peer is this annoying guy who hangs out on IRC? He has connections with the Masters of the Internet so his name is always hidden from the user lists in channels. When someone least expects it, Peer jumps out and resets their connections.

... that Philip Glass (January 31, 1937 – ) is a composer of minimalist music, who once worked as a taxi driver in; Philip Glass (January 31, 1937 – ) is a composer of minimalist music, who once worked as a taxi driver; Philip Glass (January 31, 1937 – ) is a composer of minimalist music, who once worked as a taxi...

... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.

... that you forgot Poland?

...that Pot v. Kettle was a landmark case in USA history, giving people the right to make hypocritical statements without fear of retribution? What made this Supreme Court case unique was the fact that the Pot himself was black, as was the Kettle.

... that Quantum Economics is a fundamental economic theory that unifies the economic theories of Max Planck, John Maynard Keynes, Ronald Reagan, Charles Ponzi and Neils Bohr?

...that random humour is unique in that it is the only type of humor that is an ingredient in Jell-O? It is best known for being similar to Mountain Dew in that it has no use in solving a maze.

...that Rap is a genre of music that is centered around the essential musical concepts of syncopated rhythm and gettin' jiggy wit da ladieez and shit?

...that Redundancy is the use of superfluous text, speech, or items, repetitive text, speech, or items, that is more than what is required or is superfluous, repetitive, or more than required?

...that Romania's primary import is drama? Romanian roommates are the world's greatest natural source of drama, and their output does not diminish over time. Romania is also the world's leading exporter of vampires, gymnasts and sexual fetishisation of old women.

...that RTFM is Interwebs-speak for "Repeat the first message". If someone tells you to RTFM, be patient with them and copy-and-paste your original message several times. Typing the message with capslock on will improve the chances that it will get through.

... that Santa Claus is real? If you haven't seen him it's because you've been naughty, telling lies, or Jewish.

...that Scotland is not currently allied with anyone although they do go out drinking and having a good time whilst watching the football with Ireland on occasion?

...that Senator is the brightest star system in the southern constellation of Toast?

...that, since a bar means a group of attorneys and Mitzvah means good deed, most Jewish scholars believe Bar Mitzvah translates to "It's good to know how to sue someone"?

...that Stereotype Reassignment Surgery is a newly invented technique allowing national, ethnic and social groups who are fed up with their current stereotypes to trade them with another group?

...that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?

...that Styrofoam is a slightly edible fruit which is produced in overwhelming quantities from nothing at all?

...that Terri Schiavo, a martyr, was beatified for the miracle of distracting the American public long enough that God's will could be codified as law without anyone raising a fuss about it?

...that God (born God Cohen in 4004BC in Liverpool, England) is one of the most famous and prolific musicians in the Western world? Though he recorded under the name God during his early career, a contractual dispute with his former label led him to change his recording name to YHVH, a string of unpronouncable consonants?

...that the Attack of the 500 foot Jesus will take place at exactly 06:06:06 on Tuesday the 1st of January, 2008, on the dot? Thus will Nostradamus finally be proven wrong, since he stupidly predicted that all of this would occur a full three days later.

...that the Book of Moses called The Table of Contents is the zeroth book of the Old Testament of the Holy Bible?

...that the film industry of Mediocre Britain has become one of the most successful film industries in the world as its wise and far-sighted producers, realising in the mid-80’s that people were afraid of any form of innovation or originality in the cinema, endlessly re-make the same 3 movies?

...that the Dark Ages were caused by a lack of bon-bon deliciousness to make everyone happy and stop killing each other with swords and crossbows?

...that the number one cause of your being stupid is your stupid mouth?

...that the disposal of broken banana phones by tossing them out the window onto the road often leads to a driver running over the banana and spinning out?

...that the English–American Dictionary was designed as a reference to Americans as they attempt to understand, and be understood, by English-type people? It is intended to prevent embarrassment caused by the misinterpretation of rubber and other such words and phrases.

...that the film Dude, Where's My Time Machine? has been criticized by physicists who claim the movie paints an unrealistic picture of time travel? Celebrated physicist and cartwheel champion Stephen Hawking said, "Even if we were to accept that that many sorority sluts could travel through time at once, it is still improbable that Mr. Kutcher would end up wearing one of the girls' panties."

...that the first performance involving an Air Guitar was a live open-air concert outside of Sherwood Forest where Lute player Allan O'The Dell and Court Jester Robin The Gnarled appeared sporting a radical new design of Lute they had crafted from air?

...that the Flintstones obviously pre-dates the Honeymooners since it takes place at a time in history when men and dinosaurs shared the earth?

...that the GI Joe-Transformers War took place in 1988, and resulted in the Autobots/Joe Alliance (AJA) gaining control over the Union of Decepticon and Cobra Forces' (UDCF) strongholds in the Bedroom and Backyard theatres?

... that Gerrymandering is the

arcane and magical art of drawing

mystical boundaries over a land

to separate

their inhabitants into what are known as

“congressional districts?"

...that "Ye" was Citizen Kong's pet name for his extra-favorite personal yo-yo, which he left back on Skull Island, completely forgot about, and then just remembered one split second before the planes got him?

...that fire hydrant lived a life of little significance, and made no particular impact on the lives of anyone?

...that there are endless opportunities to cheat at Scrabble?

...that according to the book Conflicting Emoticons: Learning to Love Your Inner Sock Puppet, "online sock puppets are each controlled by a real, unique person, with real, unique needs and feelings"?

...that during the Nike Revolution, many states changed names, split up, or grouped together, resulting in the drop from the original fifty states to 43, and the adoption of many other states from different lands?

...that the No More Room in Hell Act of 1662 (PL 108-133) is the federal recognition of zombies as an ethnic group and the establishment of specialized programs for zombie immigration and naturalization?

...that the history of the Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition dates back to just before World War II? Benito Mussolini, seeking a way to bring his allies closer together, invited Adolf Hitler and Emperor Hirohito to Rome; Hitler brought a large number of frankfurters (his favourite) for the trip.

...that nothing says "I'm better than you and I know it" better than dropping a line of Wordsworth into a conversation?

...no matter how irrelevant the actual line is?

...that it's only natural and human to want to kill as many birds with as few stones as possible?

...that the Idiotic Table of the Elements was started by Greek scientist Idiocrates in 1430 BCE? The early table only contained four elements: Flaemon, Wettium, Windon, and Dirtium.

... that the modified iPod Nano 200 GB's capacity enables you to store about 50 000 pieces of music? If this capacity is filled with illegal "warez" mp3s, you can be fined up to 75 000 USD. (204 800 megabytes, 4 megabytes per song, 10 songs per CD, ~~average~~ CD price illegally fixed at 15 USD).

... that the iPod yocto, Apple's 1,337th digital audio player this year, is the smallest possible iPod? Its width and length are physically impossible to measure simultaneously, and it is the first known digital audio player to weigh less than air.

... that the KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand and the NAPAALM torture rack are actually made from identical components, but issued with different instruction leaflets?

... that the kitten hurling battle originated in the steamy jungles of what is now Québec as a mating ritual of the Aztecs? Men would attempt to establish dominance over each other to impress females by measure of how vicious a kittening he could receive.

... that the gun that shoots guns that shoots swords is similar to the gun that shoots swords, but instead of shooting swords, it shoots another gun? When the second gun reaches the end of the string, you pull back on the first gun and the second gun shoots a sword.

...that “You can't kill Mark Twain, judge. He's an immortal piece of Nineteenth Century Americana.” ~ Winston Churchill

... that the mystery of the missing milk was a mystery that dominated newspaper headlines and became one of the greatest conspiracy theories of 1995? It remains unsolved with literally tens of police officers working on the case daily.

...that language is believed to have first been discovered around 45,000,000 BC when, moving rocks from one big pile of rocks to another large pile of rocks, an unnamed caveman dropped a rock on his foot and uttered the pivotal first word: “Moog”? Modern scholars have extensively studied this word and, going through all root languages, cite the modern translation of “Moog” to be “Fuck, my toe!”

...that The Oldest Trick in the Book is the infamous "Tapping on a person's left shoulder when you're standing on their right"? This trick was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia.

... that the Orange Construction Barrel (viaae fabricatio barrelus) is one of several species of highly specialized plants which have adapted to be able to grow in the most extreme of conditions - the roadways of North America? It is the second most common member of the sub-genus fabricatio -- commonly known as the "fabriforms" -- and is prized for its weather-resistance and bioluminescent fruit.

...that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?

...that the Seven Deadly Sins are nose-picking, hocking a loogie, rhyming words with themselves, inventing the cotton gin, winking at a baby, milking a goat on Wednesday, Internet downloads, and counting the number of Deadly Sins?

...that the Spanish Inquisition was a jovial TV quiz show between 1950-1955, which nobody expected?

...that the Teletubbies, also known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, led Notre Dame to two football National Championships between 1920 and 1924? The four were all dominant figures in their respective positions in the back-field, crushing each opponent mightily.

...that the University of California was founded in 1868 by giant reptilian hippies from the planet Zarkon? It is the 56th State of the United States of America and owes its economic success to the fact that it is the only state of the union to abolish private property and become a communist utopia.

...that the word "Estonia" consists of two different words: "Est" and "Onia". Est means East and Onia=Onion, so Estonia should actually be called The Eastern Onion Country?

...that the word fascist refers to anyone who annoys you, even slightly? Why exactly the fascists stopped strutting around in black shirts publicly assaulting their enemies, and started correcting the spelling of your e-mails and telling you off for not washing your coffee cup is unknown.

... that the year 1927 was so awesome, immense applause at the end of it resulted in not one but eight encores?

...that 'twas The Night After Christmas when all through the house, was an orgy of presents worth more than*... the house?

...that Uncyclopedia Brown is the fictional hero of a series of detective stories for small children written by Oscar Wilde? His real name is Rasputin H. Brown, but he is known by the nickname Uncyclopedia, due to his vast knowledge of facts, figures and dates, all of which are untrue, misleading or inaccurate.

...that what marks the style of The Doctor out from other documentaries such as Horizon, The Day Today and Newsround Review is that the educational nature of the programme is carefully disguised behind a plot regarding aliens, time travel and such like, woven from the real-life adventures of Oscar Wilde?

...that when an expendable member of the crew in Star Trek wears a special uniform that creates reduced empathy, his death creates little discomfort, and he can be sacrificed for the good of the greater United Federation of Planets?

... that when it was featured, Nihilism was the most content-free entry in history?

... that, while controversy has arisen over the name, imagery and the lack of African-American players or management of the Birmingham Niggers baseball club, the team's media guide notes: "You don't see any Native Americans playing for the Indians or Redskins, do you?"

...that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Brothers movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?

...that while your mobile phone takes photos and video clips, plays music, receives and sends email, browses the Web, has a PDA with WiFi and Bluetooth built in and, of course, does text and picture messaging, Nokia has proposed yet another feature, called "voice chat?"

...that whilst the Certificate of Hitlertude and the Certificate of Terrorism have been a rousing success, attempts to perform a similar service for people whose arguments have been compared to Communism have been less than successful as nobody cares anymore?

...that the wicked Wikipedia is a tragic parody of Uncyclopedia, although Wikipedia claims the reverse.?

...that with the release of the limited editions of Spy vs. Spy and 3 Stooges, an outbreak of people having pianos dropped on them, being rolled over by steamrollers and encountering other bizarre incidents occurred? The next day, however, all of the victims were inexplicably unharmed.

...that WMD refers to "W's Missing Doughnuts", an incident at a Cabinet meeting that is the most probable cause for The War Against Terror?

...that *SERBIA_ROLLZ strikes ArchDuke for 47 damage! A critical hit!*?

...that X-Windows completely determines the look, smell and feel of applications running on it in such a strict way that all application windows look exactly the same? Although this makes it look far better than Mac OS X and even Windows XP, some users find it hard to distinguish between their applications when they all have the same title.

...that you have two cows; Bessie, Maisie, and Clarabelle? You also have trouble counting.

...that zombies walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this as a result of the "No More Room In Hell Act" of 1662 wherein Satan outlawed further immigration into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy?

...that you have been eaten by a Grue?

...that both the Grue King and the Ur-Grue are dead, thanks to your 1337 skillz (and a shadowy figure, but more on that later)?</option>

...that the list of one letter words starting with A has more than one entry?

...that the Vietnam War never actually happened?

...that at any second, of any minute, of any hour, of any day, a massive nuclear bomb could land on your house?

...and that the only way to survive is to crouch underneath a radiation-proof desk?

...that the things you can do when you are dead include " " and " "?

...that Jihad My Ride is a TV show inspired by MTV's Pimp My Ride and is shown every Saturday evening on al-Jazeera?

...that the books of Roman Historian Marcus Claudius Erraticus describe several of Caesar's battles as "earth-shattering victories" and "horrific defeats," often in the same sentence?

...that Google Middle Earth is a palantir-driven geographical simulation program created by webmaster/ringlord Sauron and software giant Google?

...that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?

...that science fiction is just like milk?

...Sooner or later, it always becomes cheesy?

...that cutting your own head off with a chainsaw can be quite dangerous, unless certain precautions are taken?

...sometimes those running away from home get all sobbing and impatient and bolt straight out the door without preparation?

...that, though nobody is more super than the Christian God, He is definitely limited in His abilities?

...that you are undergoing a special metamorphosis, like one of those really ugly caterpillars that will one day turn into a beautiful butterfly?

...that the Bugatti Veyron accelerates at an infinite rate, has an infinite top speed, and can easily take 180 degree corners at any speed without losing any grip?

...that, likewise, sitting in the Veyron is the most comfortable thing a human can possibly experience?

...that Blandford is a pleasant and peaceful place where not much has changed since 1957, the start of what I like to call 'the great pleasantness decline'?

...that the British Upper Class is not just a class - they are in fact a distinct species?

...that Stephen Hawking ran over my cat?

...that Diary of a Caveman: The musings of one humble hunter slash gatherer, condensed and organized hereto in journal form, recounting the passing days of one man's struggle against the mundane, and his second hand account of the lives of his friends and family in the Upper Paleolithic age was considered "a good nice tour de brute force" by What's New in Wordbook Review?

...that during the most tumultuous time in United States history since the Civil War, a time when zombie hordes were breaking in on Freedom Riders and gentle sit-ins, a time when the President told the nation “The fires of frustration and discord are burning in every city,” we strove, we organized and we fought back?

...that the slate industry in Wales originated in Roman times, when the Romans decided that they were tired of just publicly flogging Welsh people and decided to instead have them dig huge rocks out of the ground?

...that a lot could be said about the Aeneid, about how important it is, about how well-written it is, and about how longing and forboding a text it could be, but I will not say these things, as they are things a person who did not read the Aeneid would say, and as I obviously have read the Aeneid, I won't have any trouble with this report?

...that Colonel Sir Wilfred Fitzpimlico, an aide-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, led the famous "I say, look here" charge at the Battle of Talavera?

...that some farmers (and considerably less cattle) find the image of Cow Udders Caught in Barbed Wire to be rather fetching?

...that the most productive way to become an Uncyclopedian is to blank pages, which makes you feel powerful because you think it's the same as deleting them?

...that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?

...that an idea is indicated by the presence of a light source above a person's head? This usually tends to be a lightbulb but can also take the form of mildly radioactive fan heaters, electric torches or even internally lit large exclamation marks, a method pioneered by one Felix T Catt.

...that Sperm are like hippies: they all stink, all of them are the same, but we can't just have enough of them?

...that tonight we dine in Hell?

...that Adolf Hitler was most famous for his art and acting talents, as displayed throughout his life and during the European World Tour 1939-1945, when he liberated Poland from Jewish influence, liberated France from incompetent rulers, and liberated Austria from itself?

...that the fetish of being attracted to homeless people is known as Hoboeroticism?

...that the old hippie chick who’s always collecting money for some wacky cause or other is heading to your front door at this very minute?

...that I don’t hate you; I just have to put an ice axe in your head, in the nicest way possible?

...that the science of Feng Shui has long been a favoured methodology within the business sector, but over the last ten years it has come to be accepted as fundamental to the smooth running of the IT industry?

...that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?

...that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?

...that the Moustache-o-meter is a ratings system utilising the virility and masculinity of the male upper-lip embellishment known as the moustache?

...that rigorous philosophical inquiry has led many to the conclusion that mankind can never truly have everything and the kitchen sink?

...that Mr. Kearsy is seriously the most rockin' teacher in the whole freakin' universe?!

...that, yes, this is some kind of fucking joke?

...that Jimmy the Shoeshine Boy told me there's an article around here about Film Noir?

...that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head?

...and darn it, I always get the Richard Nixon mask!

...that each 00 number represents a license to do something nasty? In the case of 007, it's a license to kill. For 001, it's a license to bite someone's ankle.

...that the mission of American Fundie Magazine is to roll the clock back to a simpler time, before the evil secular humanists and their life partners, the Jews, stole the U.S.A. from the righteous and turned it from the high road of the loving goodness of the Old Testament onto the low road of *shudder* liberal Christianity or *gasp!* atheism, leading our great nation straight to Aich Ee Double Hockey sticks?

...that The Annual One-Day-Only Winter Holidays Earlybird 5:00 AM 99% Off Sale is a ~~Christmas~~ ~~Winter Holiday~~ Christmas-oriented sales event unlike any other?

...that misogynaecology holds that the best sort of doctors for women's conditions are men with a deep seated hatred of and disdain for women?

...that West Africa is poised to be the first e-mail-based economic superpower? Just send them USD $200 first!

...that Adobe Potatochop is the industry standard software for chip production amongst chip shops the length and breadth of England?

...that Argos stores exist for the sole purpose of taking advantage of those who are too scared to shop using t'internet? They still rely on the traditional methods of service, such as the sneer, the blank stare and outright rudeness.

...that unemployment in the city of Baghdad is very high, so many citizens have to look jobs in more remote sectors, such as a Private Defence Contractor (known colloqiually as a "Terrorist"), a Religious Nut (referred to as a "Terrorist" by the locals) or a Freelance Debris Architect (known outside of Baghdad by the slang term "Terrorist")?

...that West Africa is poised to be the first e-mail-based economic superpower? Just send them USD $200 first!

...that Age of Umpires is a highly successful RPG/Strategy video game series in which the player takes control of a team of Umpires with the primary aim of officiating cricket matches?

...that when the first Banana Skin Joke appeared in 1913, it was the funniest thing on the music hall scene? It easily beat Jugs Mahony's Spoon Dance and it fended off strong competition from The Singing Duck of Dresden.

...that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?

...that small children may have unrealistic goals?

...that an African giraffe is about to run you the fuck down?

... that HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead? HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead? HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead?

...that Fat Albert ran on CBS for 12 seasons before it was eclipsed by JAG, in an attempt to rope in younger viewers?

...that nothing gets you through a day of nonstop executions than a nice slice of pumpkin pie?

...that the RIAA's edutainment title Grand Theft Audio was released for online download January 3, 2007, and accumulated over 5000 downloads within 24 hours of being leaked on BitTorrent?

...that the rocking carcass in the corner is a clue?

...that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!

that the odds are little creatures that have cruel senses of humor, making you act in a way that will lead to your demise?

...that today's the Super Bowl, and you totally fucking forgot to set up the party?

...that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?

...that Link is not a hero?

...that the iTrip was invented by Bob Geldof to allow children to experience being on drugs while remaining sober?

...that America is better than Britain in every single way?

...that Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia, a hematological neoplasm known as "Neo" to his friends, succumbed to local resident Cori Porter after a long battle with chemotherapy this evening?

...that you're an idiot if you think SNL is better than Mad TV?

...that the Order of the Nazi was an order of chivalry whose admission policies were nearly impossible for anyone that was not of the Aryan race?

...that all hell broke loose when procrastinators united today?

...that that is a big fucking tree?!

...that a tachyon is a subatomic particle formed when a gluon is pimped out by some righteous mo'fo's in a subatomic workshop?

...that some people find a giant red ~~piece of papier-mâché~~ rock interesting?

...that the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is, contrary to popular belief, not the longest name or tallest order available at Starbucks, but is in fact the widest?

...that there are more ways to interpret the words "go eat shit fuckers" than there are words in "go eat shit fuckers"?

...that your block log has grown ten-fold?

...that YOU TOO will soon be able to solve the 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube?

...that even sponges can run for president?

...that for the sake of secrecy, the film Internet Movie Database was shipped in canisters marked Land Before Time 9?

...that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?

...that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?

...that film director Osama bin Laden, who has recently gained popularity among cinema aficionados for his unconventional style of filming, has been award a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

...that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-A-L-O-G-N-A?

...that according to legend, bass guitarist and singer Paul McCartney was replaced by a lookalike after his alleged death in an auto accident in the mid-60s?

...taht erif a ni deid ylimaf ruoY?

...that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?

...zat I cannot tell you off ze bewk called Dracula, because I do not read... fiction?

...Ttha dilysexia si o trubuil nerlojkl dis ordor taht mins y cannt rede gude.

...that this time is great year for Soviet Russia?

...that you can stay in the closet for as long as you want?

...that paper beats rock, but airstrike beats paper?

...that giving gifts of genetically engineered flowers that feed on human blood is a popular Saint Frankenstein's Day tradition?

...that asking 'Did You Know' perfectly suits the nature of the Socratic Method?

...that during the Victorian era, the persecution and brutalization of orphans was considered every Englishman's patriotic duty?

...that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"

...that in the old days, we had to make our own 'web' which was a lot smaller than 'world-wide', and demanded skilled workmanship and dedication in order to work properly?

...taht erif a ni deid ylimaf ruoY?

...that insect torture is a good way for your child to earn money?

...that the popular sitcom 667:Neighbor of The Beast was especially loved by mothers who wanted their children to "be more like that Satan"?

...that drifters are highly effective at something other than drifting?

...that shortly after writing The Adventures of Baron Ringpiece, William Thackeray killed himself due to shame?

...that only half of Alcoholics really are anonymous, the rest just think they are?

...that Alexander isn't really that Great?

...that Al-Qaeda has expanded their business portfolio to include more than just terrorism?

...that the The Anarchist Cookbook is also known as the Bakunin Culinary Hand Guide and Souffle Compendium?

...that animo acids are violent, sword-sporting little devils?

...that Artificial Pseudoscientology is really about the children?

...that Austria-Hungary was created as a drunken bet in 1867 when the Habsburg Emperor Franz Joseph was forced to bet his country's name after losing all his gold sovereigns to Napoleon III?

...that she's the sweetest insane psychopath you'll ever meet?

...that baby seal is a popular dish in some western countries?

...that former child icon Barbie has nearly hit rock bottom after a recent bank heist?

...that, due to a lack of resources, a North Carolinian discovered that, by bashing one's head against a wall, they can experience being on drugs?

...that she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah?

...that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?

...that Superheros have a new face, and it's bi-racial?

...Charles Dickens peened several manuscripts which went later on in time to age into successful novels, many of which are a staple in literature across the known and literate global audience?

...that YOU are the hero of this story?

...that The Consumerist will steal your wallet if you're not careful?

...that Cup stacking is fun for about 5 minutes?

...that Dick-tay-shun is M-port-ant?

...that only 1 in 5 people even know what Ecky-Thump means, and you are not that person?

...that I learned everything I know from soap commercials? Now with double the cleansing power!

...that The Fall of the House of Escher is a short story by Edgar Allen Poe?

...that Everybody cares about your boring, inconsequential, pedestrian, already-traipsed life?

...that the Evolution of the Uncyclopedia Editor disproves the theory of Intelligent Editing?

...that scoring 7 or 8 'rocks' of Folgers Crystals can put you in heaven for 24 hours?

...that the Ganges deeply resents the Nile, that arrogant bastard?

...that Global Cooling is good news for those of who just got a pizza out of the oven?

...that a GIGN officer will shoot terrorists, then help them... then shoot them... then help them?

...that homeless nerds, found in every major city, can be identified by their thick-rimmed glasses, tattered laptop cases, and plastic bags full of assorted cables and surge protectors?

...that I cannot tell a lie? Honest.

...cooking while drunk is a great idea?

...that you must wield a Giant Sword against that giant mushroom?

...that fat ladies are best avoided?

...that starting a religion is about three things: location, location, and miracles?

...that you can get a supreme taco from Taco Bell for only $1.99?

...that God designed testicles just because he thought it would a be laugh riot?

...that Ironing blows no matter how much you try to hide it?

...that John Caldwell Calhoun overcame prejudice to become a successful politician in spite of being really fucking creepy looking? I mean seriously creepy. Brrr.

...that the League of Nations was the first and least successful Collegiate football conference?

...that the sun'll come out tomorrow?

...that Piggy's glasses get broken?

...that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really does believe in a Holocaust -- in his pants?

...that Martina Hingis won't return my calls? Please call me.

...that my hobbies include dogs, cats and pancakes?

...that The Meeting was turned into a Tony Award Wining Musical, headlined by Tommy Lee Jones and Matthew Broderick?

...that Merde, She Wrote is an authentic Latin situ-drama?

...that laboratory safety protocol said no, but my heart said yes?

...that journeys with GPS always end badly, if not for you then for the GPS?

...that, in a shocking turn of events, a noob got PWNED?

...that in the Nuremberg Rally everyone wins, except the Jews?

...that Obsessive-compulsive rhyming disorder will make us all poets, and we won't know it?

...that Old McDonald contributed to wage depression by hiring illegals to pick tomatoes in his farm?

...that four out of ten lawyers say that one out of ten doctors is likely to sexually assault three out of seven female patients?

...that SPLOSH!!! Ker-plop! WOOF! ...........FFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!?

...that the fate of the luscious island paradise of Porchesia was decided by one called 'Danny' who wiped out the whole island in between ordering groceries and watching videos on YouTube?

...that in a strongly worded letter, I told that prick to right fuck off with a letter opener?

...that the most common type of Vulva seen on the road is the family model, which fathers like to drive as much as possible, but rarely get to except on some weekends and the occasional birthday or anniversary?

...that Walgreens Drug Store has a different definition of 'Drug' than I do, and apparently the police hold to this same definition?

...that a Wallet Moth will increase your chances of not footing the bill?

...that a medium-sized Australian jumbuck can easily fit into most standard-issue tuckerbags?

...that what you did on your summer vacation is of no interest to me, mom?

...that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?

...that your grandma might be Al-Qaeda?

...that a broken heart is worse than the political turmoil in 1863?

...that if bears had the chance; they would sodomize you and your entire family?

...that I didn't do it?

...that a man's home is his Bouncy Castle?

...that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?

...that Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being England, but while America's father was apparently Jesus, Canada's was France?

...that Captain Obvious is known to regularly state the obvious?

...that sudo apt-get install Command Line?

...that for God's sake you should not click any links?

...that Earnest Hemingway can cook up a mean hot dog?

...that Fundagelical Christianity is very confusing?

...that we can now hunt down gay people for fun and profit?

...that Gay Pride is like regular pride, but for people who are proud of being gay?

...that gazebo are only at ground level to make disabled people happy?

...that you too can become enlightened by stretching your anus wide?

...that the hammer pounds things? Hard? Very Hard?

...that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?

...that you can construct your very own Holocaust?

...that Dr. Suess was a real pervert?

...that Hebrew is a really fucking hard language to learn?

...that Washington High School has the best basketball team in the district and that Casey Baker is a total whore?

...that only the cool kids skip school?

...that chicks love a guy with a sense of humor?

[insert ellipsis here][insert "that" here] [insert factoid here]?

...that John Cage has never made silence sound more golden?

...that The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game is one of Czechoslovakia's favorite American pastimes?

...that Mozilla Firefox is hotter than Internet Explorer?

...that JESUS CHRIST ITS A LION GET IN THE CAR!!

...that this factoid relating to Snopes has just been disproven by Snopes?

...that kids should be kept away from ponds as they are stupid enough to not know how to swim?

...that torture is better to give than to receive?

...that Uncyclopedia is the worst?

...that this is the very model of an excellent 'Did You Know'?

...that Godot isn't coming?

...that the water powered bus is an environmentally-friendly mode of public transport?

...that nobody can write anything if they can't think of anything?

...that the letter Z on Sesame Street was rumored to be heavily addicted to paint?

...that "failure" is synonymous with "George W. Bush"?

...that there is some kind of "country" offshore of China?

...that Shamu the whale is a retard?

...that Satan really isn't that bad, once you get to know him?

...that bathroom humor originated in the late 20th century, but it's hard to imagine that chamber pots didn't have a good chuckle now and then?

...that Vitamins are a family of substances meant for ingestion that confer superhuman abilities on whoever eats them?

...that the Blackbeard Catering Company often drowned people, vegans, and coeliacs with little provocation?

...that harsh criticism is indeed very harsh on minors?

...that global warming is not a hoax?

...that faith in Paul Bunyan is the only thing that can save you from a one way ticket to Hell?

...that being at one with the universe is fun, healthy and good for you?

...that constructing a Federation Starship is hard work, and is not for the non-geeks?

...that holding a handbag like a man can show the world you are not Homosexual?

...that having your car radio stolen will be very, very, painful?

...that everyone's getting pretty darned annoyed with that accordion-playing of yours?

...that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?

...that escaping from the Matrix is the best way to avoid seeing Reloaded or Revolutions?

...that the shortest distance between two points is to stomp straight over everything?

...that Biggles is the second most common cause of homosexuality in Britain, right after boarding school?

...that without Commemorative plates, madam, you could easily forget what the American flag looks like?

...that talking with women is no easy task?

...that you just don't get Conceptual Art? Even if you think you do, you don't. Just accept it.

...that there is a 100% chance that Decapitation Disease will be fatal?

...that I am easily distracted ohhh! A quarter! Shiny...

...that you're fat, you're pushing forty, and faced with the realization that the boy who once dreamed of becoming an astronaut is no more?

...that the popular comic strip Garfield is really, really funny? No, really.

...that before the introduction of the Hays Code, most movie stars swore like drunken longshoremen?

...that typical henchmen will never overthrow their evil boss?

...that speeding cameras are weaker than your car?

...that changing a lightbulb often requires hundreds of gallons of alcohol?

...that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?

...that smelling like a fish can greatly improve your life?

...that I Can't Believe It's Not Murder?

...that by killing that Forum Spammer, you have gained 4 experience?

...that your IQ is 63, and this test proves it?

... that to the mighty heroes of the Manhattan Engineering District all wrongdoing is a menace to be stamped out – whether it comes from outer space – from the watery depths of the seven seas – or springs full-blown from the minds of men!

...that Andrea True had a 1976 hit with her single Mao, Mao, Mao?

Pearce? Guy staring movie acclaimed an was Memento that...

...that my cousin's osteopath knows this guy, right, who like totally met some guy who saw the studio that the fake moon landing was filmed in?

...that Old Tech is the name given to the latest trend in high technology?

...that we're selling ice cream... on a stick?

...that Paradise has been lost?

...and it hasn't been handed in at the Lost and Found, either?

...that Patriotism is the number two cause of battlefield fatalities, surpassed only by improper foot care?

...that nerdy gamers see the world in pixels?

...that you should vote Democrat?

...that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?

...that African Americans and White men should be kept away from each other?

...that the less known about sexual innuendo, the better?

...that "xtreme" is not a real word?

...that a VCR Manual is very, very, very frustrating to read?

...the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?

...that while both World Wars were in black and white, only World War I was silent?

...that unlike the first two epistles to the community at Thessalonika, in which Paul expressed love and support to the Christians in the city while attempting to answer their questions, the apostle completely loses it in the third letter, and liberally sprinkles his escathology with insults like "doofus" and "morons"?

...that many future Uncyclopedia editors were conceived at the 1846 Uncyclopedia Convention at Aurora, New York, including Oscar Wilde?

...that president Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?

...that the Byzantine Empire is just a cheap rip-off of the Roman Empire?

...that working at Google blows, while working at Apple sucks?

...that Google Middle Earth is a palantir-driven geographical simulation program of Middle Earth?

...that this article is the official Republican party playbook?

...that illegal aliens from outer space want your job, and your wife?

...that there is nothing impressive about The Lake District?

...that when one understands the Holy Mind all imperfection is seen to be error?

...and therefore it is error to think that your hand has just been sliced off at the wrist?

...that the Borg have a really shitty personnel department?

...that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?

...that most screenwriting efforts end in vain?

...that The Wicker Man also makes a fabulous deck chair?

...that next up on The Bureaucracy Channel is stacking paper, and after that, staples?

...that someone should send John Deere a Dear John letter?

...that Diogenes never did succeed in finding at honest mechanic?

...that Disneyland is the oldest member nation of the Mickey Mouse League?

...that the External combustion engine is the most efficient means of turning fuel into singed eyebrows?

...that most art critics don't care much for the style of First Gradeism?

...that the world is free, despite what the government says?

...that by reading this, you are now part of the Grand Conspiracy?

...that no vessel on the open seas today can lay claim to a better sense of duty, valor, and success than the U.S.S. Gratuitous Anime Panty Shot?

...that Hardwick Fundlebuggy's Prison Journal has been said to carry on the tradition of Dostoevsky and Solzhenitsyn?

...that the game of Hide and Go Jesus is Vatican Approved, but only on Tuesdays?

...that you can make fabulous Haggis by yourself in the comfort of your home?

...that you can easily find food and all life's needs in a trash yard?

...that humility is for suckers?

...that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?

...that Jingo is the sport of kings?

...that this is one of Life's Answerable Questions?

...that this is one of Life's Unanswerable Questions?

...that Marcel Proust was a man whose prose, delicate, could turn the soul around, could inspire even the lowest beggar to the heights of majesty, and could meander off in the most engaging direction, taking you along with it like a softly flowing river, like the sea itself, like the sun on the beach and like the waves under your feet?

...that New Age Psychology beats Old Age Psychology 2 to 1 in clinical trials?

...that for the small price of an airplane ticket and Nigerian citizenship, you may already become a rich, desperate prince?

...that Pulp Novel, the case of the dashing dame won a Pulitzer Prize for Pulpish Prose?

...that the The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?

...that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?

...that the [The Swedish Orienteering And Firing A Rat From A Cannon Championships]] are the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems?

...that the shortest Featured Article on Uncyclopedia is only three letters long?</option>

...that Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is currently running this website and stealing your password?

...that Vivid Vladimir, the Idol of my Eye, the artificer of amor, could not dispense with that which was most dear to him: chicken fingers?

...that the War of 1812 really started in 1813?

...that Water Polo... With Sharks! is now available ...with SAVINGS!?

...that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?

...that Women's Suffrage is an abomination that must be stopped?

...that Zen.

...that Livejournal is a promising internet news station aimed at delivering only the quality stuff, such as "NO MOM I DONT WANT TO GO TOO BED YOUR GAY"?

...that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?

...that Communist revolutionary Mae Zedong authored the Little Black Book while in power in China?

...that David Cameron is a pretty straightforward kinda guy, who would love your vote?

...That the vodka industry really misses Boris Yeltsin?

...that the Witless Protection Program is a program designed to protect very stupid people from their own stupid acts?

...that Christmas Number Ones have nothing to do with Yuletide bathroom activity?

...that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?

...that the loss produces at the translation outstanding movie?

...that I'm 無くなった in 翻訳?

...that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to America and her allies?

...that the combined effects of Murphy's Law and feline physics allow for cat-powered UFO engines?

...that you never forget your first Necronomicon?

...that Napoleon suffered from short man syndrome?

...that your cat Fluffy is a racist?

...that I, Patrick Henry, was buried at sea a mile and a half northeast of Sapelo Island, in a rising gale with the wind taking the tops off the waves and rain coming horizontal across the bows like birdshot?

...that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?

...that the Sausage Butty Batter Nugget was once described by the Surgeon General as "a heart attack on a plate"?

...that in all likelyhood, you will never do anything important enough to warrant winning Time Magazine's "Person of the Year"?

...that God has a feeling of strong disapproval with regards to fags?

...that that old woman next door is the only person that the Mormons will never visit?

...that Ann Coulter is some pig?

...that the greatest trick Christopher Robin ever pulled was convincing Hundred Acre Wood that he didn't exist?

...that the expensive Isis, Queen of Heaven Barbie™ comes with a full-sized Dream Pyramid™?

...that Satan Claus is coming to town?

...that people everywhere are taking more stainless steel home with them after surgery?

...that citizens have been urged to “be vigilant, and on the lookout for queers” in response to an increased National Gay Marriage threat level?

...that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles helped save Noah's Ark during the flood?!
- ...or that Jesus rode a velociraptor into Jerusalem!?

...that Pontius Pilot was the 20th hijacker in the September 11 attacks?
- That Pontius Pilot never actually flew a plane in his life?

...that progressive rock groups decided to stop writing three-minute songs about sex and instead wrote ten-minute songs about nothing at all?

...that the basic problem that the RIAA has in protecting its property is that after people have bought music, they can actually listen to it?

...that my wife and I are having separation issues, and that she's probably going to get the children and the house?

...that teenagers are pretty much not good for anything, other than the occasional cane-beating, I 'spose.

...that Amazon.com started its business with its iconic layout on toilet doors, leaving customers to mark their orders, then delivering the package to a toilet of the shopper’s choice?

...that you don't want to know what VFP stands for?

...that I keep telling Hraesvelg I, Garm, not pet, but stupid giant never listens?

...that the hardest thing about becoming a gangsta is getting into a gang?

...that on 3 July 2007, millions of pious Christians were partially Raptured into Heaven, piece by piece?

...that Geocaching is an outdoor adventure and treasure-hunting game in which the participants utilize navigational techniques to identify valuable land, then leverage national tactics of force, covert ops, biological warfare, and/or other military techniques to obtain the land from the owners?

...that under Communism, everyone gets an A?

...that ambidextrous scallywags and bamboozle guzzlers regularly indulge in panfish interrogation?

...that I am an enthusiastic, hard-working person who would do anything to get into Goldman Sachs?

...that attempts to quote the Dread Cthulhu in its own dialect have led to many embarrassing misspellings, sometimes as extreme so as to turn, "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming" into a phrase translatable as, "In a sushi restaurant in R'lyeh topless Cthulhu waits tables"?

...that all Unix releases of Uncyclopedia come with a nifty manual page, which is far superior to Microsoft's .chm help files?

...that archaeological records show the primitive ancestors of the Village People date back to the Late Neolithic Period, the same time as when Pink Floyd was formed?

...that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?

...that every Jew down in Jewville liked Hanukkah a lot, but some Putz, who lived just East of Jewville, did not?

...dat my station wagon is the shizznit, mofo?

...that the Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 controls EVERYTHING??

...that there are 34 cuts in the deceased racing horse Kraft Dinner?

...that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?

...that RMS is the composer of the Free Sockpuppet Song, and has been known to perform it on the recorder, or folk-slither to it when others play it?

...you are seeing dick control what is going into these Uncyclopedia articles?

...that the Voynich Manuscript is nothing but a garbled, possibly Welsh, mess of letters?

...that Annefrankhuis currently generates in excess of 30% of Holland's tourism income, overtaking the tulip and whorehouse industries to become the primary source of income for the whole country?

...that being very serious is the only topic that cannot be joked about?
...that the Saxophone-Duckie Dilemma is a philosophical problem that asks one whether it is better to eshew physical possession of the duckie, in order to gain the ability to play the saxophone?
...that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
...that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
...that pufflebump snugglekins is the bestest teddy bear evar in the world and my bestest friend!!
...that pairs of dice hanging by dashboard lights are secret devices planted by overprotective parents wishing to monitor their teenage children when they go on car dates? No, really.
...that according to Dutch Girl Paints, “Bile” is a yellowish-greenish-brownish color, on line with vomit, but a bit more sour?
...that the McDonalds rule is: as long as it looks like a hamburger, they'll eat it?
...that when played solo, a typical game of Russian Roulette is completed in, at most, six easy steps?
...that this article contains the spoiler that Spike dies?
...that if you don't want to find out that Spike dies (which he does), don't read that article, or the previous sentence?
...that Christian Scientists did not have a standardized Sunday service, prior to the introduction of the Atomic Mass?
...that many individuals have struggled with the issue of dead nigger storage, including Jefferson Davis and John C. Calhoun?
...that I'd been sipping a mint julep at the poolside cantina when I finally realized that you'd gone off on another harebrained adventure into some uncharted territory never intended for the presence of man?
...that you think you've heard about Cream; Supergroup, but what do you really know?
...that you've had a hard day and the last thing you need is this: shopping?
...that the 2004 video game "EXPLODE!!!" was given the "Tommy Tallarico Best Game Ever" award due to the fact that you can "blow up fire hydrants and dentists"?
...that there’s nothing I enjoy more than long walks on the beach?
...that a Heavy Classical recording of "Handel's Water Music" would be called "Handel's Smoke on the Water Music"?
...that as the Easter holiday focuses on the brutal death and inexplicable rebirth of Jesus Christ, so too does tradition dictate the slaying of a rabbit?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
... that new thing called wheel make move mud less hard?
... that the best way to express your environmentalist opinions is to vandalize a nearby Hummer?
... that the Unofficial Knownothing Dictionary defines a lump as "A raised, fleshy area on the skin, that often gives cause for extreme panic and tends to result in instant death. Typically found in places nobody wants to look"?
...that Grass in the Mist is a compilation of actual footage taken by nature enthusiast Skippy Leadwell on his voyage to the African savanna to study the complex social patterns of East African grass?
...that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
...that the "écran bleu de la mort" is the origin of the phrase "sacre bleu"?
...that I don't believe it's in the realm of good taste to take only one wife?
...that a hammer is a great diplomatic tool?

...although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?

...that the universe is conspiring against you?
...that the head of the National Socialist German Workers Party announced yesterday a plan to free Deutschland from the threat of a militarized Poland?
...that one of the Jewish holidays is based on a combination of bad Greek temper, deep fried pastries and a never-ending can of olive oil?
...that "Where's the fire, baby?" is widely considered to be the most annoying movie catchphrase ever?
...that walls hold up the ceiling?

...that walls will most likely continue to hold ceilings in the civilized world for the foreseeable future?

...that I'm vaguely upset but I've no idea why?
...that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
...that the letter D has a long and illustrious history, though it currently exists in a state of mediocrity?

...that the Dora the Explorer made-for-TV movie was a complete and utter ratings disaster? (pictured)
...that this section, though actually named Did You Know?, which attempts to give you factoids and tidbits about things you may or may not have been aware of, or known, is actually, by curious subliminal messaging wherein the sublime mind is taken and twisted to the will of the creator of the aforementioned section, advertising articles for you to read?
...that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
...that Volcanoes are annoying little attention whores?
...that L. Ron Hubbard's greatest discovery wasn't Scientology?
...that Sergei Rachmaninoff wants to destroy your fingers beyond repair with his music?
...that the original feel-good sports movie has never been seen, but is instead used as the primary material in "Easy Money 101" classes?
...that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
...that Ben Stiller makes everything funny?
...that the White House is really off-white?
...that the butler did it?
...that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A is one of two vaccinations(Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A and Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B) that vaccinate people for the Stupendous Tropical Meningitis virus, but Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A is slightly more effective on Stupendous Tropical Meningitis than Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B?
...that people who read are better at reading than those who don't?
...that Al-Qaeda is to offset all of its attacks by planting trees?
...that there's, like, this thing called a did you know section, and your like "NO, I FUCKING DIDN'T KNOW, THANK YOU FOR FUCKING POINTING THAT OUT!" And it's just like "" because it's a section and you just want to kick it RIGHT IN THE FUCKING BALLS?
...that a penis could beat a radioactive dinosaur in a fight?
...that Osama is a has-been?
...that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
...that even though a right arrow seems harmless enough, one killed my friend's mom?
...

...that Gandhi is actually a mass murderer?
...that if your best friend is a volleyball, you're probably insane?
...that it's time to get your penis removed?
...that coming of age is bound to have some adverse effect on your innocence and naivete?
...that they have the nerve to put me into this funny farm, then force me to stay? I'll show them! I'll show them all! Mheh mheh mheh!
...that Iran is all set to invade itself?
...that I am wracked with such hearty guffaws that on addition to rolling to and fro on the floor, my posterior has separated itself from my body?
...that you shouldn't have beaten your kids, disgraced your mother, thought those thoughts, abused your Xanax, killed that hobo, been a cannibal, and driven that fast?
...that Holocaust denial never happened?
...that removing your penis is fun, easy, effective, and borderline safe?
...taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
...that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
...that whaling is hugely popular in Kansas?
...that your chances of remaining medically alive after a terrorist attack increase by up to 4% upon reading the Department of Homeland Security's Guide To Surviving A Terrorist Attack?
...that Hattie Jacques has huge knockers?
...that Dane Cook will punch you right in the fucking balls given the chance?
...that shopping lists are written in a secret code known only to one half of a couple?

...with the aim being to force the other half to admit to being an abject failure?

...that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
...that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
...that in only 10¹²⁰ years' time, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE?!
...that fucking off is a highly complex act, and not to be undertaken lightly?
...that Simeon I is absolutely no fun at a party?
...that his fingers were typing "IRAQATTACK!!!11!!1!", but his heart was saying "Why does everyone hate me?"
...that sex with another man is the ultimate test of one's masculinity?
..that students who take part in sexual abstinence programs are just as likely to have sex as those who skipped the class to go make out behind the bleachers?
...that only through brand awareness can we truly be free?
...that the Olympics is far more entertaining when all of the athletes are completely legless?
...that William Steig was a literary genius?
...that Harry Houdini was... hey, where'd he go?
...that Yanni did more than just make music and be sexy?
...that I am a perfectly normal guy WHO IS OF NO INTEREST TO THE AUTHORITIES?
...that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?

...that bears have been known to challenge for the role of Alaska's leader?

...that FOX Network's answer to ER was deemed too boring for television because it was too accurate?
...that those lousy unicorns think they're better than you?
...that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
...that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
...that this sort of thing has got to stop!

...that is, if that's all right with you, sir.

...that those glasses really don't suit you?
...that one of the Godzilla movies placed the famous monster in a cockfight?
...that my 5th period Chemistry sub is, like, a total bitch?
...that it is now possible to cure weight loss?
...that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
...that the final manuscript of Reducing Human Stupidity For Dummies was simply too difficult for the author to complete?
...that it's now even easier to do your part for global warming?
...that there are five stages of constipation?

...the last one is "acceptance".

...that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe?

...like, way more?

...that Francis Winkler is just a poor hapless teacher with homosexuality issues?
...that someone already made a popular movie that was set a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?
...that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
...that me and the RSPCA are really digging this venison?
...that Einstein hairdos are in this season?
...that we're dedicating this sentence to you, mum, because where would we be without your micromanaging everything we did?
...that a fighter pilot named "Snoopy" was the Red Baron's greatest rival during World War I?
...that the same scientists that invented self-toasting bread are currently developing self-boiling coffee?
...that nominating someone for Vice President just because his name fits into a catchy political slogan isn't really the best way to go about choosing the nation's spare tire?
...that the 1960 electoral college was so dysfunctional that it makes the 2000 electoral college look like nothing more than an attention-seeking drama queen by comparison?
...that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
...that that's my boy, right there?
...that making loads of money is easier than you think?
...that your Queer Jew God has a Queer Jew Bod?
...that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
...that mortgage foreclosure bankers are officially scarier than vampires?
...that you could really do with a holiday this year? Seriously, 18-hour work days aren't healthy.
...that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
...that this here Miracle Tonic will cure what ails ya?
...that I have some great recipes for population control?
...that MySpace is Ghay?
...that Fuck fucking fucked fucker fucking fuckups fuck fucking fucked fucking fuckup fucking fucker's fuck?
...that you can stop being a nerd?
...that the French have lost to every army in history, including a giant snail?
...that hippies are distinguished by their outtasite vibes, psychedelic drugs, interesting odors, radically long hair, and above all, the tendency to "fight the power"?
...that the Grim Reaper really isn't that bad once you get to know him?
...that elevators top the list of the most insidious torture devices known to man?
...that antbortion is an abortive procedure that is highly difficult to perform, but is highly rewarding physically, mentally, and spiritually?
...zat I 'ave solved ze case, mon ami?

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