Dear John letter

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dear John letter.
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Friday, March 8, 2019  

Dear Gordon Freeman,

By the time you read this, I'll be aiming at you with a sniper rifle. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with all the botox in your face, I might as well be fraternizing with mannequins instead. At least those don't have every STD known to man...

I know this might seem like a Wikipedia article to you, seeing as we made all those plans to adopt a child from a third world country for media publicity, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need to find someone who is male and breathes — and quickly.

I want to tell you that I think you are a Cylon imposter, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a Sagittarius, and I am worried about it. You like navel lint collecting, contemplating suicide (but always being so damned indecisive), and nibbling off wires to public computers at libraries and Internet cafés, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other as soon as possible, since the Internet connection on my computer isn't working, and I figured I could browse through your computer during our "date". But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I need to steal borrow some cash from someone.

I'd really like us to become snobbish self-styled intellectuals who always change the subject to 19th century Russian literature in order to look smart everytime a third person approaches, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, I assume, in some other more cheerful reality among the infinite number of alternate universes out there.

Take care of yourself and never forget that you are now statistically 50% less likely to ever find a lasting and fulfilling relationship during your lifetime.

God bless you,

~ Brother Eggs-over-easy.

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