Dear John letter

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
(random content ~ click for a different version)
Letter Background.jpg

Wax seal.jpg
Ink spot2.png



Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dear John letter.
Featured.png
Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 8 December 2006
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/08 December 2006Template:FA/2006Template:FQ/08 December 2006Template:FQ/2006
Hand pencil.png
Friday, January 18, 2019  

Dear Big Bertha,

By the time you read this, I'll be wiretapping your telephone calls. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I'm not getting any younger, and you're not getting any richer.

I know this might seem like an episode of Days of Our Lives to you, seeing as we made all those plans to visit your grand-parents to give them a big ol' kiss, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — well, sort of, at least, kind of, maybe, a little... I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.

I want to tell you that I think you are not as strong in the Force as the Emperor thought, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are one of Evil Bert's sinister henchmen, and I am a schoolgirl. You like flaying lambs, dating circus midgets, and disturbing annual sci-fi conventions with whistles and cymbals, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other's pets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I make additions to my personal list of people I intend to kill.

I'd really like us to become partners in crime and rob helpless old ladies of their retirement savings, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, unless I was just dreaming.

Take care of yourself and never forget that it's going to take more than a restraining order to keep me away from our children — they are mine too and I will not be denied them.

Good luck with your castrated penis,

~ The "I Like Cheese Monthly" Editor.

‏‏