User:MrN9000/TalkArchives17
This page is an archive. The contents have been moved from another page for reference purposes only, and should be preserved in their current form. Discussion or voting on this page is not current. Any additions you make will probably not be read. The current version of this page can be found at User Talk:MrN9000. |
ICU
Dude someone put an ICU tag on my article that doesn't deserve it. Why don't you take a look and see if its worthy? Its Assassin's Creed
You're Back!
Yay, now I have a new friend! -- Lollipop - 22:17, 16 May 2011
- Wow, after a 14 month hiatus, you're back? That is a good thing. 22:26, May 16, 2011 (UTC)
Go back to Africa! --
22:28, May 16, 2011 (UTC)- He's never heard of me. That's a good thing. He deserves a lollipop.
YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED A GRAPE LOLLIPOP
Lollipop has awarded MrN9000/TalkArchives17 a grape lollipop.
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-- Lollipop - 22:29, 16 May 2011
- He saw where you called for him to be de-opped. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 22:30, May 16, 2011 (UTC)
NO FUCKING WAY!!!!!!! --Roman Dog Bird 22:33, May 16, 2011 (UTC)
- WAY. Or I think that's correct. MrN 22:36, May 16
- Welcome back, fag. --Pleb SYNDROME CUN medicate (butt poop!!!!) 23:04, May 16, 2011 (UTC)
- Stick it up your arse. MrN 23:07, May 16
- Arse. Is that how Brits say 'ass'? -- Lollipop - 23:31, 16 May 2011
- It depends on the situation. Hea Lollipop. I looked to try to find something you had written so I could read it, but could not find anything. What do you recommend? MrN 23:53, May 16
- Take a look in my library. -- Lollipop - 23:54, 16 May 2011
- "Farley Farley was the dog in the comic. He had sex twelve times, most famously with the neighbour's dog "Sarah Palin"." They just don't write em like that these days... Well, apparently they do eh? Liked the Elvis article. Some nice ideas in there, and carrots. MrN 00:00, May 17
- One of my UnNews articles had to be deleted due to complaints from the Yogen Fruz company. -- Lollipop - 00:30, 17 May 2011
- Captain Quaker Oates has returned from the blizzard! We had given you up for porridge. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 13:41, May 17, 2011 (UTC)
- One of my UnNews articles had to be deleted due to complaints from the Yogen Fruz company. -- Lollipop - 00:30, 17 May 2011
- "Farley Farley was the dog in the comic. He had sex twelve times, most famously with the neighbour's dog "Sarah Palin"." They just don't write em like that these days... Well, apparently they do eh? Liked the Elvis article. Some nice ideas in there, and carrots. MrN 00:00, May 17
- Take a look in my library. -- Lollipop - 23:54, 16 May 2011
- It depends on the situation. Hea Lollipop. I looked to try to find something you had written so I could read it, but could not find anything. What do you recommend? MrN 23:53, May 16
- Arse. Is that how Brits say 'ass'? -- Lollipop - 23:31, 16 May 2011
- Stick it up your arse. MrN 23:07, May 16
- Welcome back, fag. --Pleb SYNDROME CUN medicate (butt poop!!!!) 23:04, May 16, 2011 (UTC)
Oh goodness!
It's an UnDaddy! Good to see you alive! :D -- DameViktoria 10:36, 17 May
- Just saw that you were back, and the fatted calf is being killed as I type. Bloody mess, and lots of fat strown around, but worth it. Welcome back! Aleister 20:40 17-5-'11
- Hea you guys. Good to see you around here also. MrN 20:41, May 17
- I returned about two weeks before you did: reason? Perpetual boredom while waiting for something good to happen. However, mining the internet for pastimes outside uncyc can be amusingly rewarding as per this prime example. -- DameViktoria 21:10, 17 May
- Hea you guys. Good to see you around here also. MrN 20:41, May 17
You're really back!
*explodes*
20:48, 17 May 2011I get my own header too
I'm not actually here, you understand, but just to see you around the place does me the power of good. Just sayin'. --UU - natter 20:49, May 17
- Well, well. Well, spotted you might say. On which note, you may also have noticed that Fish Puns is number 2 on google. We may take over the world yet. It is awesome to see you around also UU. Now all that's needed is to get a certain Mordillo to appear... MrN 20:54, May 17
- Should I be the one to tell him the news? -- Lollipop - 21:09, 17 May 2011
- That Mordillo got tackled by a bunch of rabid American tourists on a flight, who mistook his Middle-Easternness for "Arab Terrorist" in stead of "Jew" and was ripped to shreds? -- DameViktoria 21:12, 17 May
- Pants Bomber perhaps... MrN 21:15, May 17
- That Mordillo got tackled by a bunch of rabid American tourists on a flight, who mistook his Middle-Easternness for "Arab Terrorist" in stead of "Jew" and was ripped to shreds? -- DameViktoria 21:12, 17 May
- Me? Around? I told you: I'm not actually here, I just stepped out of semi-retirement to say it was good to see you because I'd been wondering where you were. And now I'm doing it again, but might not again again, because god knows when I'll next get time to edit. And now, I shall disappear into the ether again. UU away! --UU - natter 19:32, May 27
- Should I be the one to tell him the news? -- Lollipop - 21:09, 17 May 2011
- Welcome back ya limey tosser!;)--Sycamore (Talk) 21:28, May 17, 2011 (UTC)
Now Comes the Big Question
Where were you? -- Lollipop - 21:32, 17 May 2011
- We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves, all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. Or not. Actually, I think that's bullshit Bill. I'm not a number! I'm an independent person! I have no number! Oh wait. I do. Shit. MrN 21:36, May 17
Obligatory speculation on the symetry of everything, as well as some other metaphysical bollocks
...just kidding. But seriously, I'm glad you're back. It is nice to finally meet you, so to speak, and to meet your words and actions in more real time. And more to the point, do you like chickens? ~ 23:09, 17 May 2011
- Hea you. I'm sure I remember you from somewhere... ;) Um, chickens? Yes. Yes I do. I generally approve of chickens. MrN 23:12, May 17
- Generally? Does that include crazy guys in chicken suits? ~ 02:04, 18 May 2011
You just edited
Welcome Back
You obviously have no idea who I am, as I regestered here after you disappeared, but I still feel the need to say Welcome Back -- Frosty dah snowguy contribs GUN PLEB 09:47, May 18, 2011 (UTC)
You helped develop the anti-death drug!
UnSignpost
The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things
May 19th, 2011 • Issue 121 • The place where news goes to die!
Voting Takes a Back Seat
Recently the UnSignpost has been made aware of an alarming development with potentially devastating consequences: Voting for monthly awards is less important than drama. As everyone flocked to the forums this week to register their morally outraged stance at the present system or at the people who are morally outraged at the present system, the UnSignpost headed to the award pages that time forgot, to take in the atmosphere and canvas the nominations for this month. The first page we looked at was Playwright of the month, an award for the author of the best UnScript this month. Recipients of this award have provided pretty much every UnScript ever due to the general lack of UnScript articles churned out every month. The last winner was Guildensternenstein, back in February, and since then voting has descended into n00b of the month territory as this month's nominee Ljlego storms ahead of the pack of er... nobody with a score of "Your Dad is Bi". Meanwhile, Article Narrator of the Month is even more desolate, with no nominees for this month and the last winner being Electrified mocha chinchilla, a situation which is commonly agreed that it is a death knell for absolutely any award. Our experts believe that the lack of recorded articles is because no blind people read Uncyclopedia, and nobody wants their article read to them by Electrified mocha chinchilla; it would be like a bed-time story from hell. The "only blind people need audio because everybody else has a pair of eyes" label has also been ascribed (by a highly paid team of consultants and I) to the Emmanuel Goldstein Award of Excellence in the Distribution of Misinformation, which this month is being contested by a user who isn't here and Dexter111344; unsurprisingly, Dexter is losing (why break the habbit of a lifetime?). Ultimately there are hundreds of awards starving to death on Uncyclopedia as newer users have no idea they exist; there are hundreds of shiny baubles on offer for a user with the will to go out and get them. Incidentally, VFH, UotM, VFP, VFD, NotM, WotM and RotM could use some attention, too. Remember, voting lubricates the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia and you wouldn't want Uncyclopedia to break, would you? Also we have a huge selection of ninjastars just rusting over here. Somebody you know must deserve one! The Forum
Since we have been forced to accept that the forums aren't an entirely useless part of the website, we have decided to quickly zip through without talking to anybody, naturally, and bring you the most happeningest news from this correspondent's least favourite namespace, save for UnDictionary (It's just words, I can't stand words). First up and most important, or so we are told, is the vote for Unimage of the year. Apparently, some of you have been failing in your voting duties, and we would like to single out one person who has failed to vote on this page and that is JackOfSpades. Now, JackOfSpades has been around for the last week and yet he has not voted; the UnSignpost and the expectant world call on JackOfSpades to come forward and explain exactly what he thinks he is playing at. Now while JackOfSpades has been highlighted for his crippling laziness, it could just as easily have been you: Sycamore/Sonje/Romartus. We're going to turn off the lights on the page and when we turn them back on, if some votes just happen to have appeared we'll say no more about it. It would obviously be entirely wrong not to mention the drama we have had on the forum this week, so here goes: There has been some drama on the forum this week. Happy Thursday. |
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox |
~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:08, 19 May 2011
Really happy to see you back
You are my first friend and teacher here. I am really so happy that you are back. Cheers!!!--Funnybony 06:21, May 19
- Thanks dude. Hea look at you! Featured articles, and WotM winner! It's awesome that you are still around. MrN 16:57, May 19
- Hey, bro! I had to carry the ball for me AND my mentor. If possible could you clean up December 21, 2012 which is our collaboration and is just up on VFH (in your honor), awaiting your magic. Please note Skullthumper's wise note on VFH. BTW: Got our Lord Monckton featured - as he well deserves. Also got featured John Peel (with Sog). Let's get 2012 featured and have a collab on VFH straight away. I'm VERY glad you're back.--Funnybony 00:54, May 20
- Hea dude. Yea, I saw that you put 2012 onto VFH, and the comments from DrS. I do agree with what he is saying, and have other comments also, but I don't want to go changing it much now as it's on VFH now. It is rather different than when I last edited it, so if I attacked it, I would be changing it a lot, which I don't want to do with an article on VFH. Let's see how it does on VFH, and if it does not make it this time then we still have plenty of time until 2012. ;) As for our good Lord. Yea, I saw that you managed to get that FA. Nice one dude. Looks like you have found a way of fitting your style into what you do in your articles. MrN 13:10, May 20
- Hey, bro! I had to carry the ball for me AND my mentor. If possible could you clean up December 21, 2012 which is our collaboration and is just up on VFH (in your honor), awaiting your magic. Please note Skullthumper's wise note on VFH. BTW: Got our Lord Monckton featured - as he well deserves. Also got featured John Peel (with Sog). Let's get 2012 featured and have a collab on VFH straight away. I'm VERY glad you're back.--Funnybony 00:54, May 20
A Quest for Mr. N
Since you said you found my articles amusing, I have a quest for you. I want you to take a piss on my work. The urinal is over here. Read the HowTo, pee on it if you either want to, or you are having bladder problems. -- Lollipop - 23:22, 22 May 2011
- Hea dude. Not sure i can commit to doing it right now, but if it's still in the queue after a while I may well take a look at it later. Have fun. MrN 16:58, May 23
- Gee thanks. -- Lollipop - 17:06, 23 May 2011
Hey sexy
Where you been all my life? ~Formerly Annoying Crap 00:06, 23 May 2011
- I have been inside your mind. Watching, learing, waiting... It's great that you are still around and active. Will catch up on IRC sometime soon. MrN 16:59, May 23
- Lurking? ~Formerly Annoying Crap 19:56, 23 May 2011
Boobs.
That is all. ~ 20:01, 23 May 2011
Important question:
Pants? – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • critchat) 23:50 May 24, 2011
Phnerb unsignpost
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
May 26th, 2011 • Issue 122 • News? Where we're going we don't need news!
Weekly update
The big news of the week is that Obama has gone to the UK to talk to some people about some important things. However, since we're stuck reporting on whatever you people have posted in the forums this week, we don't get to report on interesting things like that; we don't even have any blatant bias to crudely insert into any and all of our stories. Incidentally, asylum seekers are no help at all. But enough of those profound thoughts - let's talk Uncyclopedia! This week saw the return of Dawg. For those of you don't know, Dawg is an Uncyclopedian from the days of yore when Uncyclopedians sported in Elysium and all the problems lay ahead. Hurrah, welcome back Dawg. Deciding that the mere sight of his signature on talk pages did not send the appropriate spasms of joy to the loins of every active and inactive Uncyclopedian, Dawg decided to deop Lyrithya and ban her for two years, an action guaranteed to stir the loins of even the most miserable Uncyclopedian. Obviously this was an unforgivable abuse of power and the people demand cake; it's better for you than blood, supposedly. Dr. Skullthumper has also embarked on yet another voyage of busy work as his proposal to semi-protect all featured articles forever sailed through the forums on Wednesday. The UnSignpost is one hundred percent behind Dr. Skullthumper in this, his latest foray into "Doing what must be done despite you all," that is until someone decides it was a stupid idea two years from now, in which case Dr. Skullthumper is a twarse and a racist. In other news, Nachlader has sacked everyone due to Uncyclopedia's poor performance in the last fiscal year, and Bacon is made of Pigs and win. Finally, ebil wikia turned off image uploading which, as any school child knows, THEY ACTUALLY CANNOT DO, BY LAW. It was only for a couple of hours and it only really affected people in America, so who cares? Wikia have turned it on again now, so you may recommence uploading horrible images of yourself/your penis/somebody else's penis without fear of being interrupted by completely unnecessary essential maintenance. UnNews
UnNews is in crisis; with SPIKE absent and Zim ulator likely high as a kite somewhere, there can be no doubt that UnNews lacks a leader. Discussions are presently taking place to decide who should fill the entirely fabricated position at the top of UnNews. Obviously voting is the way forwards, since anything decided without a vote is probably secretly designed to bring the site down around our ears. TheHumbucker appears to be the first choice for UnNews leader, indeed the only person who isn't sure he is competent is TheHumbucker. Olipro confesses himself to be unsure about all this voting; speaking privately, Olipro said "Nobody ever voted for me when I was in charge of UnNews, and it didn't not do me no harm or nothing," a sentiment this correspondent shares exactly, we think. All views are appreciated in this discussion, except views that disagree with what we have already decided. While we are on a completely unrelated topic, get some voting done on VFH; this correspondent is entirely dissatisfied with the lackadaisical approach to voting adopted by most of you. It's almost as if you don't climax every single time you do it... everyone does that right? |
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox |
~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:14, May 26, 2011 (UTC)
2012
Dude! We almost have our first Collab FA. Please vote for this article - it already has 12 plus votes, so has already passed. This is out 50/50 collab to make it and none too soon. Vote FOR 2012. Cheers!--Funnybony 15:28, May 26
- Hea dude. I made the vote. Assuming it passes, I think it's up to you to decide when it's featured. I get what TKF and LJ are talking about, and think I answered that in my comment. Oh... I'm currently sitting in Wales with my girlfriend stalking you on Youtube. Do you have a channel there? My gf is into similar things to yourself, so if you have any video links (which are in English) let me know and we will take a look. Who is rsbj66? your son? MrN 17:32, May 26
Unnews:Obama: We're not responsible for drones with US Army emblem's actions
Well I think it is ready, but I'll change the title for the above while getting it out of my userspace (like in a minute) You think it's ready also? I don't know what to add... Mattsnow 08:39, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, it needs links to other articles, and I think it would be cool to have Obama making reference to "those crazy people" or "the conspiracy theorists" maybe Alex Jones, who are saying all these crazy things, and not to listen to them. Something about needing to shut the internet down to prevent further attacks of this kind maybe? I had a go at editing the article myself, but it ended up looking like... Well, like I had written that part and it did not fit. ;) If you think it would be cool to include something along the line of what I said above, go ahead, otherwise, I will VFH it when you have added some links to other articles. MrN 08:53, May 27
- Ok, could you like VFH it a day from now? I'll add links and maybe something good will pop up in my head thanks to your suggestions. Thanks in advance, I'm glad you like it! And yeah, sometimes it's hard to fit one's writing to someone else's I know what you mean. I'll write another message for you tomorrow! Is that good? :D Mattsnow 08:39, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
- Cool. I was kinda talking in ref to when Obama was talking about his birth certificate. The "I know there is going to be a segment of people for which no matter what we put out this issue will not be put to rest." line as per this. I think the very last paragraph could be a little stronger also if you might like to focus on that... MrN 09:10, May 27
- Just a comment... You know that Alex Jones does not believe in Lizards right? Or Alien Hybrids, or UFOs... Or Hollow earth, or flat earth, or Nibru, or 2012, or... The Loch Ness Monster. Or most of the really nutty stuff. That's David Icke, or Michael Tsarion, maybe Jordan Maxwell. this edit to me looks like you are suggesting that he does, and are mocking him for saying so. As that's not what he believes I don't see where the humour is. Actually, A lot of people who have studied David Icke don't think even he really believes in the Lizard thing. Opinion is divided between those who thinks he really believes in the lizards, those that think he just pretends to believe in the lizards so that "they" don't kill him for what he says, and those who think that when he says Lizards he actually means Jews. Some people also think that when he says lizards he does not mean all Jews, but Rothschild Zionism. MrN 09:39, May 27
- Ok, could you like VFH it a day from now? I'll add links and maybe something good will pop up in my head thanks to your suggestions. Thanks in advance, I'm glad you like it! And yeah, sometimes it's hard to fit one's writing to someone else's I know what you mean. I'll write another message for you tomorrow! Is that good? :D Mattsnow 08:39, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
- Yes, I know Jones doesn't believe in Reptilians, I just wanted to get the most outrageous conspiracy out there XD I in fact believe a lot of the things Jones is professing (If not all of them, I have been a student) Do you think the Reptilian thing should stay? It just sounds hilarious to me, to hell if it isn't what Jones believes. Mattsnow 09:44, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
- I'm not a fan of mentioning lizards here. It looks to me like that part was written by a closed minded American patriot who disagrees with Jones, but has never actually bothered to listen to what he actually has to say, and assumes that he believes every nutty idea out there. We get edits like that to our article on Alex Jones sometimes and they always make me cringe. ;) MrN 09:54, May 27
- I think you'll like the new version a lot better! Thanks for the add! What do you think? Mattsnow 10:30, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
- Yep, that's looking a lot better. I suggest you add it to Template:RecentUnNews and hopefully pick up a few more edits over the next day or so. I'm happy to nominate it now, but there is no rush and leaving it for a little while longer might mean you do even better on VFH. If I have forgotten to nominate this tomorrow, give me another kick here on my talk page, and I will do it then. MrN 10:36, May 27
- Thanks for the nom and small tweaks, my friend, I can't wait to see if it fares well. I just read UnNews:Toilets refuse to take any more shit, this is hilarious! Mattsnow 00:39, May 28, 2011 (UTC)
- Yep, that's looking a lot better. I suggest you add it to Template:RecentUnNews and hopefully pick up a few more edits over the next day or so. I'm happy to nominate it now, but there is no rush and leaving it for a little while longer might mean you do even better on VFH. If I have forgotten to nominate this tomorrow, give me another kick here on my talk page, and I will do it then. MrN 10:36, May 27
- I think you'll like the new version a lot better! Thanks for the add! What do you think? Mattsnow 10:30, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
- I'm not a fan of mentioning lizards here. It looks to me like that part was written by a closed minded American patriot who disagrees with Jones, but has never actually bothered to listen to what he actually has to say, and assumes that he believes every nutty idea out there. We get edits like that to our article on Alex Jones sometimes and they always make me cringe. ;) MrN 09:54, May 27
- Yes, I know Jones doesn't believe in Reptilians, I just wanted to get the most outrageous conspiracy out there XD I in fact believe a lot of the things Jones is professing (If not all of them, I have been a student) Do you think the Reptilian thing should stay? It just sounds hilarious to me, to hell if it isn't what Jones believes. Mattsnow 09:44, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
--Undies 13:56, May 28, 2011 (UTC) How
Underground Pyramids
G'day MrN9000!
As you've probably already guessed, I'm a NOOB. Not a proud one, but a NOOB nonetheless.
As with all NOOBS, I've got a bunch of really stupid, common sense questions that will irritate your sense of superiority. For example, one of the many idiotic questions I had was "How do I post a question?"
As you can see, I've kinda worked it out on my lonesome self- amazingly. Now I just hope it posts when I save.
As I've started the previous lines with 'as' I had better continue the trend.
As you've seen my page, Underground Pyramids, I can tell youu a few things I've edited/added to it to conform to Uncyclopedia's strict, pathetic guidelines.
As I was told my article would be better suited to unnews, I've rewritten as a real Article, with links and all. Some links are red, although I've begun creating a page to address one of them (Monks), and plan to address each red link as time, concentration, and diarrhea allows.
As it was also stated that I should link that page to other articles, I've been really busy trying to work out how the fuck to do that, but have, alas, yet not found the way.
As I've created the second link/article "Monks", I wanted to expand on my simplistic webpage creation and had hoped I could add a video to it. Alas, I'll be buggered trying to crack that code! Here's what I did do:
It's difficult to ascertain exactly when Monks began practicing, but easy to fathom from whence they came. Cavemen Create Class
As you see, the link stays blue red and no video loads.
As I continue to edit and expand my first article "Underground Pyramids" I wonder if my nonsense humour fares well here, as no comment about adequacy of writing has been mentioned.
Ass is how we spell it downunder, but do you prefer the other arse alternative?
As you are probably like all the site admins, who resemble old history teachers that cannot accept a change in 'how things are done', you're most likely going to ask me what I'm using to edit these aforementioned pages. Well, I added the wiki editor to my firefox so as to further conform to your stereotype. I also use my small but adequate brain and long, tangling fingers.
As an example of the links I used in the Underground Pyramid page; this one is an internal link: Great Library of Alexandria and this is the external link I used as inspiration to write my dribble; Shakeaspear.
As always, or most of the time, depending on the alignment of the planets, any advice, recommendations, explanations and/or verbal abuse will be received dubiously, excitedly and appreciatively.
As an addendum, what does NOOB stand for?
As I've run out of Ases to start new lines, I bid you adieu, and thanks!
--Undies 02:24, May 29, 2011 (UTC)Undies
Here's what I've done so far in Monks page:
Monks
Believed to be ancestors of the old Witch Doctors, Fortune Tellers and Emperor's whom possess a close relationship with a higher deity, monks arose around the time Genghis Khan was playing Battleships with the whole Western Europe. Like Priests, Monks were selected eunuchs whom usually stayed in the village to protect the women and children while the real men went out foraging and Brokeback Mountain-ing.
The brown dresses they wear today came from a ritual performed after the warriors returned from battle. With plenty of sh-rooms and pot, the burly men pretty much did what they pleased to the defenseless women and children. After they'd had their way with as many as they could catch, their attention (what little was left after the drugs took over) turned to the town eunuch and the camp fire. They'd always bring a variety of loot from their raiding and pillaging, in amongst which were usually a few female garments, which they were too proud to wear in front of their women, so they'd forcibly dress the eunuch and make him dance and sing around the fire. He'd also most usually be gang raped, and enjoy it.
Contents
- The Beginning
- Exactly Right After The Beginning
- Embarrassingly Close To The Beginning
- Nice And Easy Wins The Race
- Another Insufferable Century
- Good To Go God
- Everybody Needs Somebody To Trust
- Revenge
- So...Now What?
- A Happy Medium
- Really?
- Everlasting Cover girls
- Today's Monk Key To Grail
- Over It?
- Oblong Rules
- Oh Dear!
- Letting Go
- Die And See
1. The Beginning
It's difficult to ascertain exactly when Monks began practicing, but easy to fathom from whence they came. Cavemen Create Class
After cockroaches reproduced with mice, the product was a new species called Monkeys. When these creatures kept falling out of trees because of intruding T-Rexes, they decided to stop slouching around and started standing tall. After many interbreeding experiments, the Gorilla won the Battle of the Fittest, first held in Athens in 1,563,892 BC, and so mated with every other species available to be mated hard. With so many walking Apes on the land, groups of similar-looking, similar-acting, and similar-smelling species began to form.
After thousands or millions of years of inbreeding of these groups, the offspring started displaying peculiar traits their forefathers and mothers did not possess. For example: an eight-handed midget, a blue-eyed giant, a female with snakes as hair, which beckons the question "What the hell was mum doing with those pet snakes?"
Each minor difference was seen as a curse and usually these unique and rare specimens were slaughtered, fried and eaten at a special family BBQ, others were abandoned, some sent floating in a basket down a river, and others just expelled from their family's camp.
- Hea dude. Um, well you appear to have made up your mind about our "pathetic" standards and such. Ha. Basically we don't really have that many requirements, but we do try to help people write better stuff. Read HTBFANJS. Really, it will help you. Even our best writers here still read it again from time to time to get ideas. I recommend you do. Our beginners guide BGBU is also well worth reading if you have not already. If an article is funny enough we don't really care about a lot else and will forgive all based on that. I'm not sure suggesting that all the admins here are history teachers is best practice here either, but hea... It's all good. You asked how to link to other articles, but it looks like you have got that working.... Yea. Pyramids... I wonder if you knew that there are more pyramids in China than there are are in Egypt. Also... I was wondering what you might have to say about the pyramid which was found under water off the coast of Cuba. I'm sure a chap such as yourself would know all about that one? MrN 09:40, May 30
- I'm sure the one he knows most about is the one in his shorts. Oh, my mistake. It's a tent. 23:11, 30 May 2011
question
It says we're not allowed to make articles about ourselves, but is it OK to do that if it's your own user page? Like, you edited your user page, with articles you've made and stuff. I was wondering if I could do that? --EvilPuggy 14:02, May 29, 2011 (UTC)
- Hea dude. Yes. You can put almost whatever you wish on your own user page. MrN 09:41, May 30
- Thanks ^_^ --EvilPuggy 13:12, May 30, 2011 (UTC)
Sincere thanks for supporting one or more of these articles on VFH:
- Guru Maharaj Ji
- Don Martin
- Blue-ringed octopus
- Lunar Launch (with Socky)
- 2012 (with MrN)
like, really!--Funnybony 20:41, May 29
Our first collaboration goes FA
This person wrote an article which became one of the Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia. Ain't they clever?!
I already updated your HOS listing. Let this be the first of many more, I hope.--Funnybony 05:25, May 31
Hey you're back!
So how've you been? It's great to see you around again. MadMax 21:15, June 1, 2011 (UTC)
- Hea Max. I'm great. Never better. Great to see that you are here also. It was also nice to see that Neighborhood Watch was featured in the end! MrN 21:35, Jun 1
Oh wow I'd forgotten about that. :) You know I actually have a story outline for Sue Saad & the Next (one of my favorite 80s bands) if you're ever up for another collaboration. It's based on an idea I had for a short story that parodies Bring the Jubilee (one of my favorite sci-fi stories) if you're familiar at all with the novella. MadMax 19:47, July 12, 2011 (UTC)
Hi!
Hi MrN9000! Just wanted to say sorry if I stepped on any toes with that VFD joke-nom, no dickery was intended. Since we're at the forefront of misinformation on the interwebs, we can't take ourselves too seriously, right? :)
Anyway, glad to see you're back on the site! Cheers! -- 22:25 June 1, 2011 (UTC)
- It's cool. I'm sure I'm "meant" to have blocked you for longer as I'm sure you understand that there are some pages for which we have a very low dickery threshold. It's all good, though. I understand that no real harm was meant. Have fun dude. MrN 22:35, Jun 1
The UnSignpost: Best before Friday!
Now with 20% more ninjas!
June 2nd, 2011 • Issue 123 • The only periodical that calls you back!
Logo Pogo, what's our Vector Victor?
Those of you who aren't still reeling from the ingenuity and wit contained in the title for this story are just the kind of humour-hating Nazis who are killing this place, one "witty" article at a time, who will, naturally, have noticed that the logo has undergone a design change. This change came after several of our power hungry administrators noticed the shadowing on the old logo. Not noticed the shadowing on the old logo yet? Well head straight to the image page and look at the shadowing on the old logo. We here at the UnSignpost are utterly gobsmacked that we lived and indeed loved alongside such shoddy work, just look at the shadowing! The more you look the angrier you become; it's incredible, just what the hell was Rcmurphy thinking when he created the shadowing on the old logo!? Of course this is all untrue, the old logo is basically fine but the new one suggests that we aren't all the ten-thumbed Orangutans that <insert name here> is and that we might know something about cricket and opera. In other words, its beauty and three dimensions hide the depressing truth and, according to Dr. Skullthumper, will probably cure AIDS and bring peace to the Middle-East as well. The creator of the brand new logo is none other than Lyrithya, who wasn't available for comment at the time of going to press, but would probably would want to say something about how she owes everything to ChiefjusticeDS. A quick scan of the forum reveals only one forum topic about the new logo, making it about ten times more popular than Wikia and Jesus combined. The other interesting development is also the development of some kind of new skin for the wiki which is presently being flaunted on a forum and on your gadgets page where you can tick a box to experience it for yourself, just like voting really. This is once again courtesy of Lyrithya, someone who just doesn't take "Meh" for an answer. The general opinion of the community regarding these changes is difficult to gauge, especially if you don't read any of the forum topics. Speaking anonymously, Mhaille expressed doubts about Vector, stating that the changes were "Only skin deep," but said that any discussion over which was better was "Just plain racist". Rank admins!
Those of you who have heard of Rate Your Admins (or RYA if you wear sunglasses inside) need not read this story; simply scroll back to the top, read the right hand column and ask again just how does that sexy admin do it. Which segues us neatly onto the thrust of this story: Frosty has revived the original RYA, a system by which users would give the active admins a score out of ten on various categories and then the admins would have a reason to get up the next day. The new system is very similar to the old one, exactly the same, some would say, and all it needs is your contribution. The UnSignpost spoke to Sockpuppet of an unregistered user about RYA and he said "I once killed a man," but don't let that put you off; he's actually really well-adjusted. Voting couldn't be simpler. You just go to the page of the relevant admin and then you click edit (with us so far?) then you put zero in every box and press save. Don't worry; the chances of them knowing where you live are extremely remote so it's literally consequence-free, almost. |
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox |
~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:11, June 2, 2011 (UTC)
What's this...
This MrN9000 buggers off and then comes back and starts doing shit around here, using our crapper, stealing our women, benefits, and spreading HIV down the Uncyc sauna. I'm going to write a strongly worded letter about your actions since you've been back to the appropriate bodies and institutions:-/--Sycamore (Talk) 13:04, June 2, 2011 (UTC)
- Hea! I helped fix the crapper last time you blocked it. Also, those are not women, but boys in dresses. I'm also assured that it's not possible to catch HIV from drying your pants in the sauna. MrN 13:19, Jun 2
Strongly Worded Letter
- Dear Sir,
- Following an anonymous correspondence with a concerned citizen it Uncyclopedia Department of Sending 'Em All Back (sponsored by the Daily Mail) has booked you a one way ticket to Bristol. Thank you for your hard work and dedication. Now fuck off.
- Regards,
- Sir Mhaille (talk to me)
Shame on you!
For the sake of non-existent dramatic effect, I shall repeat myself. Shame on you! And why is the shame "on" you? Because you were foolhardy enough to vote for the featurisation of A Series of Unfortunate Events, my latest article. Don't you realise that you should have hacked into the Uncyclopedia servers and removed both the article and its nomination page from existence? Well, you obviously did not and now look what has happened: A Series of Unfortunate Events made it onto the front page! This could well cause the fall of the southern hemisphere, and it's all your fault. 15:07, June 2, 2011 (UTC)
George Carlin
Did you replace the second quote? I think it got lost in an edit conflict, I don't remember what it was but it was good. Feel free to put it back. If that wasn't you, forget about it, I am waking up. :P I'll try to make something respectable out of this article, the state it is now in pains me. George the uncorruptible truthteller deserves it. He did talk openly about 911 only once I think, but he was quite clear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pow5_UYKaJ8 Also, have a Shit, piss, fuck, cock, cunt, motherfucker and tits kind of day :) Mattsnow 15:16, June 6, 2011 (UTC)
- Does an article on Tourrettes Guy exist? -- 15:25, 6 June 2011
- LOL, that is the title of George Carlin show, way back. He got arrested for it, it was an hilarious piece. Just Youtube "The seven words you can't say on TV". LOL guaranteed. Mattsnow 15:29, June 6, 2011 (UTC)
- Hea Matt, Lollipop... Um, all I did was remove the {{construction}} tag as that's only to be used for new articles. Guess I edit conflicted you. Sorry dude, it happens sometimes. Can be a right bugger to sort it all out when that happens, but I'm sure you will get the hang of it. Look at the page history, and you can see the "diffs" of who did what and when. Per the video... Yea, I saw that a while ago... George is one of the good guys. Just like Bill Hicks was.... Personally I like the video on the right from George... MrN 15:41, Jun 6
- Billy Connoly's routine on things he hates about people was also funny. -- 16:01, 6 June 2011
- Yep, I saw it, I saw his whole show in NY, it is on Youtube. Also, I could not help but notice that the winners from last month are still on the front page. Is this normal or did they forget to change it? I'd like to see what douchery they'll come up with for my NotM thingie. I like this Comedy Portal project, it is good to work as a team for the site, not for some petty "feature" thing. Mattsnow 18:34, June 6, 2011 (UTC)
- Billy Connoly's routine on things he hates about people was also funny. -- 16:01, 6 June 2011
- Hea Matt, Lollipop... Um, all I did was remove the {{construction}} tag as that's only to be used for new articles. Guess I edit conflicted you. Sorry dude, it happens sometimes. Can be a right bugger to sort it all out when that happens, but I'm sure you will get the hang of it. Look at the page history, and you can see the "diffs" of who did what and when. Per the video... Yea, I saw that a while ago... George is one of the good guys. Just like Bill Hicks was.... Personally I like the video on the right from George... MrN 15:41, Jun 6
- LOL, that is the title of George Carlin show, way back. He got arrested for it, it was an hilarious piece. Just Youtube "The seven words you can't say on TV". LOL guaranteed. Mattsnow 15:29, June 6, 2011 (UTC)
page
could I have that article 'Matt tuck' copy? I'll work on it on word and post it when I've finished it. – Preceding unsigned comment added by 86.162.207.197 (talk • contribs)
- Hea there. Yes, I can give you a copy back, but you need to create an account here first. Do that, and come back here and let me know what your user id is. I can then put a copy of your article in your "userspace" where you can work on it all you like. Also... If you are serious about sticking around here, and writing a good article, I recommend you check out BGBU and HTBFANJS. Have fun. MrN 10:05, Jun 7
Pointless Paradox
Dude, much thanks for the cool edits. I would never have known there was such a link. Hey, I really did miss being in touch with you while you were busy, and I'm GLAD your back. You are much of the fun of this place. And I'm your protege. You and Aleister gave me your support, encouragement and guidance, and along with a bunch of others, young and old, male and princess, you cats make this website fulfilling. Oh, and thanks for the Lord Christopher Monckton turn on - common sense is so bloody refreshing. Send me an email what's up. Y/bro--Funnybony 17:59, Jun 7
- Hea dude. That link was just a bit of shameless self whoring while I was reading your article. You really have developed your own style/styles. It's kinda cool. Looking at your older stuff and comparing it to your more recent edits I can really see how you have figured out a way to fit your style to Uncyclopedia which works, and a lot of people like. I might be wrong, but looking at your user page, I'm not sure if there is another user who has created more articles here at Uncyc. Seriously. I may be wrong, but hea dude... Did you ever record any audio for any of your work? MrN 18:35, Jun 7
- Well, bro, I have lots of audios of my work but they are copyrighted and also not bloody funny. Someone just sent me THIS - Have you seen this already? Cheers!--Funnybony 20:58, Jun 7
- I'm not really understanding what you are saying about the audios... Yea... I love those guys. this is my favourite thing they have done, but they have lots of sketches on various subjects. I figured you would be into kundalini and chakra and all that jazz. MrN 21:05, Jun 7
- Hey dude! I figured you would know those guys. But the facts are less than funny. I've never done any comedy songs, even though I have made audios. Actually I know very little about Astanga Yoga by Patanjali - which is where kundalini concept comes from (the bitch!). Though I'm sure we could still find out and make a collaboration article on it. I'm amazed that Soma never got featured...it needs a serious revamping. On Kriptonite I had a Pee Review by ChiefJustice who never mentioned the spelling was a problem. And the other spelling Kryptonite is already taken by an article on another subject. What to do? Y/bro--Funnybony 07:57, Jun 8
- I'm learning about kundalini at the moment. From what I can tell there is more to it than just a bit of stretching, but I don't know enough to write an article really. I know someone who claims to have had a kundilini experience. I was hoping you had 2! What to do about the spelling of Kriptonite? I'm not sure, but I would go with whatever Wikipedia uses unless it's a lot more funny not to. Yea soma... I bet that was mushrooms... MrN 11:56, Jun 8
- Hey dude! I figured you would know those guys. But the facts are less than funny. I've never done any comedy songs, even though I have made audios. Actually I know very little about Astanga Yoga by Patanjali - which is where kundalini concept comes from (the bitch!). Though I'm sure we could still find out and make a collaboration article on it. I'm amazed that Soma never got featured...it needs a serious revamping. On Kriptonite I had a Pee Review by ChiefJustice who never mentioned the spelling was a problem. And the other spelling Kryptonite is already taken by an article on another subject. What to do? Y/bro--Funnybony 07:57, Jun 8
- I'm not really understanding what you are saying about the audios... Yea... I love those guys. this is my favourite thing they have done, but they have lots of sketches on various subjects. I figured you would be into kundalini and chakra and all that jazz. MrN 21:05, Jun 7
- Well, bro, I have lots of audios of my work but they are copyrighted and also not bloody funny. Someone just sent me THIS - Have you seen this already? Cheers!--Funnybony 20:58, Jun 7
- Dude, I would gladly use the spelling Kryptonite but it has already been usurped for an article on something different. We would have to take over the name (delete someone's nonsense article) to get the right name. Should we do that? Can we get the name back from HERE based on their misuse of the name? It is radical that you mention my user page, because, before your guidance I didn't even know I had a user page... hehe!! Really.--Funnybony 12:24, Jun 8
- Since you don't mind if the name is moved, I've moved the old Kryptonite to Kryptonite (Earth element), but have to wait until the page is QVFD before the "new" page can be moved in. I've asked MadMax to QVFD that page (or if you, MrN, are quicker with the wicker?), then the newone can take its rightful place. Now all the spelling has to be changed! 0_0. Aleister 12:53 8-6-'11
Formatting
- YOU HAVE A NEW FUCKING MESSAGE!!! I was wondering how to format this:
So that it would look like this in the caption under the pic:
The 3 steps to analizing a new government policy.
- 1.Who will really profit from this?
- 2.I GOT IT!
- 3.We're screwed even further.
You know, starting on a new line for each new sentence. Just do it if you can! Mattsnow 21:48, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
- How's that? <br clear ="all"> and <br clear ="right"> and such are handy sometimes also. MrN 21:51, Jun 7
- Thanks, that looks awesome! I'll know what code to use next time. ("analysing" would be better than "analizing" lol.) Mattsnow 22:02, June 7, 2011 (UTC)
I would have to be stupid to think that you haven't already seen...
- Actually, not seen that one! Might watch it now... :) MrN 17:03, Jun 8
Pants aren't so bad really
I mean let's talk about pants for a minute. What am I saying, you always want to talk about pants. But let's talk about your talking about pants.
Pants are awesome. Let me get that out of the way for a minute there. Without pants, where would we be? Wearing shirts on our legs? Honestly that doesn't sound comfortable at all, plus there's that big hole in the middle there, where your head ought to be, and instead people could peek up that whole and see your business, if you get what I'm saying. In case you don't, I mean your crotch.
And think about all the people you wouldn't want to see pantsless. Like your grandmother for example. If you don't have a grandmother, someone else's grandmother then, it's all the same. Unless that person's grandmother had a kid when she was really young and then that person had another kid when she was really young and basically you had a young grandmother that was still hot for whatever reason. And that's excluding time travel, obviously, on account of it not existing yet, at least not that I know of - and I'd be the first to know. Or the President. Probably the President. But if the President had time travel, why would we still be in Iraq? I ask you that. We'd probably go back in time before nuclear weapons were invented and come up with some kind of International Copyright Office and patent the goddamn things, then sue the shit out of the Soviet Union, be like, "you're infringing on our copyright, you redheads" (or whatever they called them) and they'd have to cease and desist right then and there. No Cold War. Bingo.
But the point I'm trying to make here is, I wouldn't want to walk outside in my underwear, or with some questionable pants substitute. I quite like pants. Or shorts. When you say "pants" I'm gonna assume you're including shorts. They do the same thing as pants do, just in a shorter fashion. I guess that's why they're called shorts. Of course that's why they're called shorts, what am I saying? But then why are short videos called "shorts"? They're not shorts at all. Short videos, yes, but the term "shorts" was already taken by then, I expect. Somebody shoulda sued.
My underwear is usually pretty plain and white so I don't want everyone seeing it, is the point. And I don't want to see anyone else's bright white underwear neither. It would blind me in at least two ways. One, from the brightness, and two, from seeing a pantsless dude, which I don't wanna see. Maybe you do, I don't know, I ain't judgin' nobody. But I don't wanna see it. I guess seeing a pantsless hot chick would be nice but I dunno if it'd be worth it what with all the ugly chicks out there rompin' around pantsless too.
So as you can see, pants really aren't the worst things in the world. It could be worse. You could pick a worse piece of clothing to object to. Like, I don't know. T-shirts with stupid sayings on them. Or bras, we don't need bras, I think it would benefit everyone if we got rid of those things. Well, not really. Saggy boobs. So there's a downside to everything, you get my point.
I just ask you to reconsider your stance against pants. Without pants, sweatshops producing pants wouldn't have anything to produce, and they'd be producing something much more boring instead, like iPods. Or whatever it is people in sweatshops make. Not money, obviously! ha ha!! – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • critchat) 00:10 Jun 09, 2011
Hurrah, it's the UnSignpost!
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
June 9th, 2011 • Issue 124 • The only periodical that remains aerodynamic at high speeds!
It's serious business
To celebrate the creation of a new ignorable policy, the UnSignpost is covering all the srs biz that has taken place on Uncyclopedia this week. Once again, Lyrithya and her unending quest to "improve" the wiki takes the top story; not content with replacing the potato logo originally created by Rcmurphy, she has created a forum (yes another one) in which she displays the new logos she has created, all wonderful and three dimensional. Dr. Skullthumper appears to have been so entranced by the the shadowing on these new logos that he is currently proposing that we allow Lyrithya to do whatever she wants, then we can only assume it will begin to rain marshmallows and then Jesus will return so that he may bless the new logos in person. Everyone loves the new logos except for Lollipop, whose home-grown logo offerings have been snubbed... one of these days he will probably buy a gun and then kill every single one of us. The Ministry of Love has a new topic on it. This is news in its own right, but it would be just plain lazy for us not to tell you what it was. In other news, Sycamore has called for all Real Nigga's to report to the Village Dump. Sycamore, who was born and raised in West Philadelphia, was unable to justify this course of action as he had one little fight and has been forced to go and live with his Aunt and Uncle in Bel Air. The UnSignpost is sure that hilarity is certain to ensue and predicts that Sycamore may well be writing horrendously bad rap music in as little as three years time. Finally it seems that the in-fighting, backstabbing and constant evil that emanates from all the current admins (with the possible exception of Modusoperandi) has not discouraged users from wanting to be just like them. The UnSignpost wonders why anybody would ever aspire to be part of a group that not only has Olipro in it but also boasts a whole one and a half women and she is maladjusted. The crippling deficiencies of Uncyclopedia's admin group haven't stopped Joe9320 from asking to be one; on being asked why he wants to be an admin, he cited no reason at all. He just does and, apparently, so should you. Also, Magic man wanted to be in the UnSignpost this week, so he is. VFS/B
When Uncyclopedians aren't looking at depraved Horse porn or voting on articles referencing Horse porn, they are to be found gazing in wonder at VFS to see just what those barmy administrators have come up with next. Well, sort of. Currently VFS is not given over to the process of sandwich voting, but to a vote on whether to hold nominations for a preliminary round of voting for the people to administer the results of further voting, but only if there has been a vote first. In short, the admins are deciding whether or not to have some more bureaucrats. Since all of you have read Jimbo Wales fantastic works: "The Pricing of Index Options When the Underlying Assets All Follow a Lognormal Diffusion" and "Me and my ample piles. Of Money" you all know the ins and outs of the role, but we will remind you anyway. Bureaucrats give out user rights; if Uncyclopedia was a city the users would be the citizens, the vandals would be the criminals, the administrators would be the Police and Bureaucrats would be the people who send Police officers annoying notes about filling in forms and the importance of chilling their packed lunches. Currently the vote is plus four in favour so it looks like voting on sandwiches will be suspended for another month, a tragedy which two months ago seemed a very remote possibility. We would urge you to vote but you all know the form by now, just remember that Bureaucrats tend to go... missing. We sat down with absentee Bureaucrat and hilarious moustache owner Mhaille to get his opinion of the vote: "If you master the 5 D's no amount of balls on Earth can hit you" Mhaille responded before beating our reporter savagely with a sack of wrenches, so there is some definite food for thought there. Cross your legs folks, it looks like there will be another vote coming to your computer screens very soon. |
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UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox |
~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:13, June 9, 2011 (UTC)
uncyc logo
Hello, do you know if the user who made you the new Uncyclopedia logo would mind making one for Uncyclopeia Brazil (Desciclopédia). It'd just need to change the subtitle from Uncyclopedia to Desciclopédia. Truewww 14:23, June 9, 2011 (UTC)
Birthday
Ahhhh! I thought that was a sweet thing to do, changing our birthday article to be a birthday greeting for the red-link users friend. Can't we just play with it, add balloons and cakes and bunnies, and give the guy a real birthday card? No? OK, never mind. Aleister 16:55 9-6-'11
- p.s. or remember Jack Black's happy birthday song on SNL? Maybe that.
Rules
???? What did you do with Rule 3? People have been using that for over a year, it's an established rule now, and...well, huh? Aleister 20:02 9-6-'11
- I wondered how long it would be until someone noticed! I did it for a few reasons. Firstly Mordillo added it, and I was hoping he might return as a result of me changing it, and... I thought it was a bit better with just the two rules. If it's simply two rules just HTBFANJS and don't be a dick then it creates much more of an impact when new users first see it. For established users it was funny when Mordillo added the 3rd rule (especially as it had only just been the 2 before) and it was. I just thought I would change it back to the "old school" just 2, as well... It felt right... I'm not really bothered about it though and if people really want it changed back I'm happy to do so. Think about it a bit though. MrN 20:11, Jun 9
- Huh? I must repeat myself - ???? He added it after quite a bit of discussion and trickery, and people took to it quickly and have used it since. The main reasoning was because we give people the first two rules, and if they abide by those, they are urged to dance like they've never danced before (words Happytimes suggested, and "received" a Feather in Your Cap award for). There is actually a page that links to the rule which was put up for VFH and lost mainly because it was an inside uncy page. So it is well-established and accepted as a rule. I wouldn't be surprised if Lythyia did this, just another day at the office, but for MrN...I can't even think about it without troubling myself and seeking medicinal aid. Please replace it if you would be so kind, and let's never talk about this day again /looks around for medicinal (sp? probably) aid Aleister 20:32 9-6-'11
- p.s. I did something similar on SPIKE's talk page hoping to draw him back like a cat to a saucer of mice, but he hasn't bitten so far.
- Yea, I noticed the pic you chose for his logo... You created UN:DANCE right? I had not noticed that until now. Well it took over 2 days for anyone to notice I changed UN:R. You are talking about this VFH nom right? Dude, it got a kicking. What links to what where when? I will put it back now, but I would be grateful if you could show me some more of the history of this, as I do have a wish to put it back to just 2 rules. Got any links n stuff? MrN 21:33, Jun 9
- Mordillo asked me to put up a page for the link, and I put in some of the stuff from Welcome Party for Noobs, then other people worked on it. I'm not going to look for links, Mordillo put it up there after it was discussed on his talk page, and people seem to like it. If he doesn't come back it's one of the best legacies of his career, and Happytimes said he had never been happier (and then he disappeared one day in the middle of normal edits, we fear the worse, seriously). If you feel so strongly why not do a forum, but it's been over a year now, people have linked to it, and it seems about the happiest of the three rules (First one, a direction, second one, a chastisement, third one, a "Now write like you've never written before" message. I haven't looked at that nom in awhile, I didn't nom it and ended up voting against it because of the discussions on the page, if I recall. Aleister 22:02 9-6-'11
- Dude, what Happytimes said is hardly a consensus. If I feel so strongly? I put it back before you post that message. You are not going to look for links for me? I will remember that the next time you ask me for a similar favour. I hope you can see things from my point of view also. You suggest I start a forum, yet you deliberately withhold information which would be useful (the links) about this from me. Dude. You got me all wrong. Don't be like that. There is enough fuss on the wiki at the moment, and I have no wish to generate any more. As I said... "I'm not really bothered about it though and if people really want it changed back I'm happy to do so". So I did. MrN 22:30, Jun 9
- ??? Why this accusation of "withholding" information? By not looking for links I mean they on somewhere on Mordilllos talk page and from a forum that Happytimes played on. I don't know the name of the forum, or the dates of the discussions. I never asked you to do anything like that, to search thru multiple files over long periods of time. Mordillo's talk pages go on and on like some kind of parlimental record. Mordillo is still around, I assume, maybe send him an email and ask him about this. It might, like you said, draw him back for awhile. As I recall what happened is there was a forum about a major change in the rules, and Happytimes said something about "Dance like you've danced before", and I brought it up to Mordillo, and then again a few weeks later, and he liked the idea and asked me to write up a page to go along with the rule. I asked if the Dance stuff at Welcome Party for Noobs was the kind of thing he was thinking of, he said yes, and I copied some stuff from that page, and then Happytimes added to it. People liked the idea, and it was organized that way. There was nothing hidden, and people link the three rules to their welcome messages, which was why I looked at them again after not clicking on them for about eight months and saw that one was missing. Aleister 10:00 10-6-'11
- Dude, what Happytimes said is hardly a consensus. If I feel so strongly? I put it back before you post that message. You are not going to look for links for me? I will remember that the next time you ask me for a similar favour. I hope you can see things from my point of view also. You suggest I start a forum, yet you deliberately withhold information which would be useful (the links) about this from me. Dude. You got me all wrong. Don't be like that. There is enough fuss on the wiki at the moment, and I have no wish to generate any more. As I said... "I'm not really bothered about it though and if people really want it changed back I'm happy to do so". So I did. MrN 22:30, Jun 9
- Mordillo asked me to put up a page for the link, and I put in some of the stuff from Welcome Party for Noobs, then other people worked on it. I'm not going to look for links, Mordillo put it up there after it was discussed on his talk page, and people seem to like it. If he doesn't come back it's one of the best legacies of his career, and Happytimes said he had never been happier (and then he disappeared one day in the middle of normal edits, we fear the worse, seriously). If you feel so strongly why not do a forum, but it's been over a year now, people have linked to it, and it seems about the happiest of the three rules (First one, a direction, second one, a chastisement, third one, a "Now write like you've never written before" message. I haven't looked at that nom in awhile, I didn't nom it and ended up voting against it because of the discussions on the page, if I recall. Aleister 22:02 9-6-'11
- Yea, I noticed the pic you chose for his logo... You created UN:DANCE right? I had not noticed that until now. Well it took over 2 days for anyone to notice I changed UN:R. You are talking about this VFH nom right? Dude, it got a kicking. What links to what where when? I will put it back now, but I would be grateful if you could show me some more of the history of this, as I do have a wish to put it back to just 2 rules. Got any links n stuff? MrN 21:33, Jun 9
- p.s. I did something similar on SPIKE's talk page hoping to draw him back like a cat to a saucer of mice, but he hasn't bitten so far.
- Huh? I must repeat myself - ???? He added it after quite a bit of discussion and trickery, and people took to it quickly and have used it since. The main reasoning was because we give people the first two rules, and if they abide by those, they are urged to dance like they've never danced before (words Happytimes suggested, and "received" a Feather in Your Cap award for). There is actually a page that links to the rule which was put up for VFH and lost mainly because it was an inside uncy page. So it is well-established and accepted as a rule. I wouldn't be surprised if Lythyia did this, just another day at the office, but for MrN...I can't even think about it without troubling myself and seeking medicinal aid. Please replace it if you would be so kind, and let's never talk about this day again /looks around for medicinal (sp? probably) aid Aleister 20:32 9-6-'11
defeat
Hi MrN9000 I am still in the process of creating defeat. I kept getting the page overwritten and did not fully realize the ability to FIRST create it in userspace before posting it. It was not to piss you off ;)
Dear sir
I would like to protest in the strongest possible terms about you and everyone like you. I'll have you know that you are undoing thousands of years of progress with all your "editing" and "removing". We don't care for your requirement of so-called "links", "consensus" or "evidence". Did Jesus need evidence? No he did not. Since you have been away we have established new rules and traditions, I mean here you are wandering around the wiki without having submitted any admin authority deployment forms at all! You had best watch your step laddie or you will see a side of this wiki you won't much like. Don't make me fetch Happytimes to explain this to you, he has a feather in his cap for God's sake; he's far more important and worldly wise than you could ever hope to be. --ChiefjusticeWii 10:20, June 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Chief... I did not make a requirement for "links". I put the page back first, and then said that I would be grateful for some more information about what had happened so that I could understand. Because I had already done what had been asked of me, my request was just that. A request, not a demand. MrN 12:50, Jun 10
- There, see, ChiefJustice was there at the beginning, and now his well chosen words have summarized whatever he wanted to summarize and calmed this discussion without causing any more drama. A calm voice in any situation. And the best path forward might be a forum to reaffirm or discard the rule, which was a Mordillo stamp-of-approval rule (his talk page was one of the most user-viewed pages in the wiki). Forum? or Famine? Aleister 10:38 10-6-'11
- p.s. and to be way serious, do either of you guys know what happened to Happytimes? He was hip-or-ankle deep in the wiki, and then in the middle of one of his normal editing days he was just gone and never returned (last time I looked anyway). He's one of the "goners" who might actually be a goner (I thought you might have been one of those too, MrN, because of the stuff you said about if we never heard from you again). But Happytimes was just so...happy. Aleister 10:48
- No idea where he could be, no contributions since November last year, clearly he has been killed in some kind of terrible tram accident. --ChiefjusticeWii 10:52, June 10, 2011 (UTC)
- I've just emailed him with a brief "Are you okay?" message. Just between us and all the lurkers, the main reason I moved on the third rule, brought it to Mordillo, and was happy it passed was because of Happytimes. He wasn't winning prizes or getting features and then he had that great idea, so I seconded his motion and moved it along both because it was a good idea and because he was always so happy. And he was so happy when Mordillo added the rule. That's basically the history of Rule 3 in three nutshells. Aleister 11:14 10-6-'11
- Happytimes did always have a smile on his face if I remember! I'm sure that dude was on something. Whatever it was I want some! MrN 12:50, Jun 10
- I remember having a discussion about goners with Aleister way back. The only other way to lure them back is email. Although it hasn't done anything with Spike, it did work with Bevanz. -- Lollipop - 16:50, 12 June 2011
- Happytimes did always have a smile on his face if I remember! I'm sure that dude was on something. Whatever it was I want some! MrN 12:50, Jun 10
- I've just emailed him with a brief "Are you okay?" message. Just between us and all the lurkers, the main reason I moved on the third rule, brought it to Mordillo, and was happy it passed was because of Happytimes. He wasn't winning prizes or getting features and then he had that great idea, so I seconded his motion and moved it along both because it was a good idea and because he was always so happy. And he was so happy when Mordillo added the rule. That's basically the history of Rule 3 in three nutshells. Aleister 11:14 10-6-'11
- No idea where he could be, no contributions since November last year, clearly he has been killed in some kind of terrible tram accident. --ChiefjusticeWii 10:52, June 10, 2011 (UTC)
- p.s. and to be way serious, do either of you guys know what happened to Happytimes? He was hip-or-ankle deep in the wiki, and then in the middle of one of his normal editing days he was just gone and never returned (last time I looked anyway). He's one of the "goners" who might actually be a goner (I thought you might have been one of those too, MrN, because of the stuff you said about if we never heard from you again). But Happytimes was just so...happy. Aleister 10:48
I know
Not bad luck that article had it's flawas. My next one will be a feature though. i can see it from here.*starts to dream*-- 15:59, June 10, 2011 (UTC)
- I noticed that you had started something in your userspace. Nice one dude. What I suggest you try is thinking of lots of different angles and things which you could say about it. Find out all you can about that, and think about the different views which other people might have about it also. Don't worry about laying it all out perfectly to begin with, just get all your ideas down somehow, and then mix it all around later when you have got something to work with. For that article, a lot of different people are saying different things about it on the web, so I'm sure you can find a lot to say about it. Good luck! MrN 16:17, Jun 10
Baboon
Hey, you killed my page. I'm still writing it. How do I get it back?
Baboon
Hey! You killed my page prematurely. I'm still editing/writing it. How do I get it back?
- Looks like you are OK for now... You will need to make it funny not just racist for it to be kept here. Good luck. MrN 11:37, Jun 14
==LOL^^==-- 20:59, June 10, 2011 (UTC)
Thanks for the vote on VFH!
Thank you for voting on my article HowTo:Face your upcoming death! I heard people send out message to people who voted for them as a sign of thanks. I would try personalizing this message instead of copying and pasting it into everyone's talk page, but I'm lazy. Lazy and stupid. When I was three, I thought 2+2=fish.--User:CandidToaster/sig 12:13, June 12, 2011 (UTC)
- I don't think copy pasting ANY of the message is allowed. MrN9000 banned four nOobs last month because of that. He doesn't like it. Be careful of what you say next. Best of luck. :)-- 16:44, June 12, 2011 (UTC)
- And he's the most lineant admin on uncyc. ChiefjusticeDS has even been known for raping a coupla nOObs in the past for this. But don't you worry. Good luck..-- 17:07, June 12, 2011 (UTC)
- PMP... Don't be a dick. MrN 11:39, Jun 14
- What? There's absolutely nothing wrong with thanking people for voting on VFH. Back in the day, it used to happen all the time, with creative thanks templates and all that stuff. I'm really not sure what you're talking about at all. Then again, I don't think you are either. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • critchat) 17:34 Jun 12, 2011
- Man you are so serious all the time! I know, admins. But I was joking. Thanking for votes is a very noble endeavor. In fact some users do it all the time, even when their articles don't get featured. Really nice job with the article man!(Oh I already said that on my talk page)-- 18:52, June 12, 2011 (UTC)
George Carlin
Is pretty much finished. I thought I'd let you know since you seem to like him. Feel free to add some stuff, I'll go and rewrite some other stuff for the truth portal. Ciao Mattsnow 02:29, June 14, 2011 (UTC)
- I will take a proper look sometime tonight when I can give it more attention, but from a quick look at it now it looks a little bland to me. From reading the opening paragraph.. That's not really grabbing me. It's a great tribute to the man, but it would probably be funnier if it took the piss out of him a bit more. I did not read it that carefully, and will chuck some edits in later. Looks a bit too much like a fan article (that's my failed effort) at the moment, and they are very hard to do well. MrN 11:44, Jun 14
- I just read the Clapton piece, it is very good man, it's not a fail at all! Mattsnow 23:11, June 14, 2011 (UTC)
- The seven words you can't say on uncyclopedia...I did a seven words thing in one of my pages but can't recall which one. I guess that's a sign that you've written lots here. Oh, I know, Cemetery of the Absurd. I think. Carlin's a great subject, so the page has to be as great as he was. I haven't looked at it, did you do a send-up of his naming the advertisers bit on there? Aleister 23:16 14-6-'11
- LOLWUT? Translate the last sentence for me please! Mattsnow 01:08, June 15, 2011 (UTC)
- Dude, I read it again, I think the whole tone of the article needs to be changed. If I were to edit it, I would probably change it rather a lot. If you are cool with me doing that I will put some more thought into it, but I wanted to mention before I did as you might want to keep it as it is. MrN 23:03, Jun 15
- I sure am cool with that, I edited to help Kevillips and the Comedy portal and was stuck numerous times. It's not my article, go ahead! Mattsnow 23:14, June 15, 2011 (UTC)
- Dude, I read it again, I think the whole tone of the article needs to be changed. If I were to edit it, I would probably change it rather a lot. If you are cool with me doing that I will put some more thought into it, but I wanted to mention before I did as you might want to keep it as it is. MrN 23:03, Jun 15
- LOLWUT? Translate the last sentence for me please! Mattsnow 01:08, June 15, 2011 (UTC)
- The seven words you can't say on uncyclopedia...I did a seven words thing in one of my pages but can't recall which one. I guess that's a sign that you've written lots here. Oh, I know, Cemetery of the Absurd. I think. Carlin's a great subject, so the page has to be as great as he was. I haven't looked at it, did you do a send-up of his naming the advertisers bit on there? Aleister 23:16 14-6-'11
- I just read the Clapton piece, it is very good man, it's not a fail at all! Mattsnow 23:11, June 14, 2011 (UTC)
Your bot
It seems to have not done anything in more than a year. Is it dead? -- Lollipop - 21:11, 15 June 2011
- I just gave 9001 a kick and he complained something about wanting an update, but other than that it look like he still works. MrN 23:04, Jun 15
- I was planning to make a bot (was either going to be called "Lollibot" or "CANUCK") to revert spam, manly also doing QVFD and Ban Patrol tasks. Then I realized that I didn't know how to make one. Found it too confusing. -- Lollipop - 23:07, 15 June 2011
UnSignpost Activate!
You'd be crazy not to listen!
June 16th, 2011 • Issue 125 • Adopt a mad Bear today... please, they're closing in.
CURSE YOU!
It's time for the mid-month, mid-week, midnight round-up of Uncyclopedia, named this week for the mutual love and admiration currently flying back and forth on the Village Dump. The big news this week is that VFC has opened for voting, with almost every active administrator being nominated along with <insert name here>. After a whole day of voting, Zombiebaron has taken a commanding lead, racking up 14 votes, with Thekillerfroggy and Modusoperandi sitting in second and third. Our correspondent described the scenes on the page as "Sickening" as the leaders compete to see who can be the most dashing chap and concede victory to his fellows in the noblest manner possible. The UnSignpost was able to talk to Zombiebaron about the race: "Zombiebaron," he stated confidently on being asked whom he thought would prevail; on being asked who he would like to see stripped naked, smeared with Jam and fed to killer ants, he responded "Zombiebaron," and when pressed as to why he conceded that the matter was indeed "Zombiebaron". Moving on from the sickening gayery taking place on VFC, the village dump brings us the conflict and hatred that made Uncyclopedia as doomed as it is today. First PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that admins should not protect forum pages while discussion was taking place, in return the administrative body suggested that PuppyOnTheRadio should probably put some clothes on before going outside. Elsewhere on the dump, Dr. Skullthumper is doing his best to keep himself in pointless busy-work by proposing that we recategorise everything into a set of new categories within a new namespace which in turn will be within a new namespace. The practical upshot being that Dr. Skullthumper has a reason to haul himself out of bed every morning, a truly noble goal; this entire wiki having being founded around a very similar aim. Finally it seems that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 list has ground to a halt and has become Roman Dog Bird's very own personal playground and, as amusing as it is to watch him make entries about his bowel movements, his friends bowel movements, and bumsex, there aren't that many reflections on 2011. Since we passed the halfway point of the year a few weeks ago it was with some dismay that we discovered that we are still 66 reflections away from completing the task before the annual Cabal broadcast at the end of the year. This is a large crisis. Everybody should spend at least 10 minutes of the coming week running frantically around their house panicking about the impending crisis and the consequences of such a large crisis. Someone should also add new reflections to the list, but not before completing the requisite ten minutes of panic. Skully's formspring declared "national pastime of Uncyclopedia" In a bizarre twist of social networking, local user Dr. Skullthumper has created an account on the popular website formspring.me. Almost immediately the famed Uncyclopedia administrator was bombarded with questions about his sexuality, his sister, and propositions of considerable indecency. So amusing were his answers that for several hours wiki contributors ceased editing altogether to think up more clever questions to ask him. "I was looking for a place to gloat about my ban," says Equivamp, a self-proclaimed sufferer of Erectile Dysfunction. "But I was too scared to come on IRC. That's where all the rapes happen. Luckily I found one of the dozens of links to this guy's formspring that everyone's been talking about. Finally, a place to insult Uncyclopedia safely!" But even such a positive story as this brings humanity's dark side to light once more. Kip the Dip has revealed himself to be one of the most prejudiced users in Uncyclopedian history, believing the entire website to be constructed for his people alone. Several anonymous users have taken to slandering the almighty goddess Lyrithya, who continues to shower us with holy goods such as proper bloody code and images that don't look like they were shat out of MS Paint. And as for Skully, the sheer amount of time he has spent answering questions has forced him to forgo sleep for several nights in a row now. Despite these setbacks, Skully says he will "continue to do what must be done", and "hurrrrrrrrrrrrrghCOFFEE". |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, June 16, 2011 (UTC)
Junee?
Three articles with this heading have been huffed. I've started writing one, loosely based on the wikipedia article. As this is a first attempt, I need some advice - how to perk it up, what's not funny, and where the hell I get pics from.
Junee, New South Ireland
Junee is a correctional facility, famous for jailbreaks, bogans, pitbulls and sheep, currently in orbit around Wagga Wagga Wagga Wagga. Among its inmates are God (expelled from Wagga Wagga by Lucifer), Al Gore, George H. Bush, Kurt Plissken and 20 million sheep, many of whom are the mums of the rest of the residents.
Place name
It derives its name from the Aboriginal word "Chew knee", meaning to set a pitbull on a misbehaving inmate.
History
The Weary people traditionally owned the joint prior to the Poms buying it and selling it to the Septic Tanks. Marquis de Sade (1816-1698) was the town's first head honcho and squatter (even rich guys couldn't afford the rent). He established the Chewknee pitbull farm in the 1840s, it took him 20 years to get noticed by the Post Office (even back then they were slow) and soon after got noticed by Strayan freedom fighter Hen Balls who robbed him blind.
Fools gold was discovered in the 1860s, and as most of the locals were fools, it led to a gold rush centred on the newer village of Old Junee(?).
In the 1890s, in an attempt to get the economy going again after the gold ran out and the bottom fell out of the wool and pitbull market, a major railway repair facility was built there which then required re-routing of the Shitnee to Melborn 2-gauge railway to include it. This was a boon to the local farmers who could then get their product to market more quickly, there to rot in warehouses or attack toddlers. The largest silo in the Forgotten Hemisphere was built there in 1592 – it has never been more than one-third full. The railway brought hundreds of bogans and thousands of Drop Bears into the town who built seventeen hotels and proceeded to get sh!t-faced on Tooheys New. They are still there.
Local economy
By the 1970s, the railway was in decline and so were the residents. The only bloke who could be bothered, known to the locals as "Thommo", petitioned the State Government to turn the town into a prison, based on the idea that no-one would be able to tell the difference between the inmates and the local bogans anyway. As no-one else wanted it, Junee got the nod despite protests from Tumba-bloody-rumba that it was too close to their quasi-Amish quasi-Tasmanian experiment. They were right, many of the children, and still more of the sheep, in Tumba-bloody-rumba today strongly resemble the said inmates.
Famous locals
Thugby player and coke addict Lorry Driver was born and bred in Junee before being recruited by the Queanbeyan Maroons-raiders. He went on to be bought by Uncle Rupert and captain New South Ireland and Straya. Shane "Horny" Warnie's ex, Adam Gilchrist, also lived here for a short time as a child. In addition naval corvette HMAS Junee was built there, unusual because Junee is several hundred miles from open water. It was transported overland to Waggawaggawagga, where it was propelled downriver to the ocean on the five o'clock wave.
Attractions
Junee Liquorice, Chocolate and Crack Factory Junee Roundhouse Kick – Kung Fu Museum Statue of The Count Of Monte Cristo (they had trouble getting a reliable picture of the Marquis de Sade, and none of the bogans can tell the difference anyway) Jail Break Inn Barbecue Pit
G-REX THANKS from Sog & Fbony
Catch it. Kill it. Bin it. It's the UnSignpost!
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
June 23rd, 2011 • Issue 126 • The only periodical that will burn your house down... with lemons!
Experimental Vectors
This week Uncyclopedia stands on the brink of a momentous decision, a decision that will shape the future of the wiki and possibly society as we know it. Also, Lyrithya is proposing that we introduce the Vector skin as the default skin for the whole wiki. As is the custom on our planet a vote is currently happening in a forum, which isn't really news as everything around here is eventually resolved in that way. The vote currently stands at eleven votes in favour, with the people voting for praising Vector's enticing indentation and stylings and the against voters complaining that Vector isn't compatible with Windows 95 and doesn't display properly when loaded on a monitor last used to observe the 1969 Moon Landings. For voter and skin fetishist Ljlego launched a staunch defence of Vector, saying, "I hated Vector when I first saw it on Wikipedia," while against voter and Republican Aleister in Chains has complained that the skin doesn't work when he loads it on his ZX Spectrum; he has also found the real problem with the skin, namely, "Those huge tabs at the top, they look ridiculous. " Shabidoo, meanwhile, has decided to abstain, having been unable to make up his mind; his uncertainty about the new skin springs from a belief that, "This skin is much better than the last one." What a weirdo. The UnSignpost staff has switched to Vector and report that they have, on several occasions, found money in the street on the way home; who in their right mind would refuse to switch now? Vector does have several deficiencies which are, of course, all Lyrithya's fault. The much loved and coveted things to do page has disappeared from the sidebar, meaning that unless you search for it, you cannot find it. Incidentally, Science proves that searching for articles in the search box causes Cancer in 75% of everyone who does it. There are no other problems, except that the toolbox is set to be closed as default, Pee review is now below the facebook page link (this makes it appear less important), it doesn't make sandwiches, the edit button is on the wrong side, to watch pages I click a star (this is blatant Zionism), when I click the search box I type in a box inside the search box, and there is no link to the UnSignpost on the sidebar. If you have yet to try out the Vector skin go to your preferences page; you know you are there when the box with your optional real name in it appears. Click the gadgets tab and then select 'experimental Vector skin' from the list. Enjoy. Incidentally my real name is Archer, Leader of the Gorgonites. Fails QA Now while the UnSignpost staff are currently contemplating a weekly box devoted to Dr. Skullthumper's latest fad for Uncyclopedia, we felt we absolutely had to cover his latest dalliance into saving us from the eternal fires to which we are so rightly condemned. QA is something you are no doubt familiar with; for those of you who aren't here is how to find out. The new revelation is the QA log; this is a splendid log for those of you who love to sit and stare at recent changes. Now you can stare at recent changes and the QA log. It basically catches people sneakily removing maintenance tags from articles in order that they may be punished for their anarchic tendencies. Dr. Skullthumper has said all of the above in forum, but that's what the UnSignpost is for - we read the forums and write a brief summary with more jokes and less whining. The aforementioned Physician would like feedback from users on how his new device works, so in short he would like you to go to his forum and tell him just how splendid it is that he has taken time out from his splendid schedule of splendid masturbation to splendidly improve this splendid site. Some of our readers have written to us to tell us what they think about this new tool: "Zombiebaron," said an anonymous letter. "Who is this?" asked RabbiTechno after phoning our hotline. "Please rush me my portable Walrus polishing kit. 4 Super brushes guaranteed to clean even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals." read a coupon sent to us by Under user. "Wow. Now that is VERY useful." read an email from MrN9000, titled "Re:The purpose of toilets" and "Help me. I'm trapped in a post office." wrote Mordillo, who hasn't been seen since March. The QA log is live and watching all of you at this very moment and reminds you that thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, June 23, 2011 (UTC)
Kryptonite
Thanks-a-million for disregarding this dumb warning. You have wisely chosen the dark-side of the farce.--Funnybony 08:30, Jun 26
The Un-Sigh-npost!
Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.
June 30th, 2011 • Issue 127 • Kills 99.9% of bacteria.... IN SECONDS!!
Breasts
You know what the problem is? You will shortly, because if there's something the UnSignpost does brilliantly, it is editorialise on matters of little or no significance to you or the people you know. The problem is the days of the week and the dates of the month are conspiring against the UnSignpost. As the UnSignpost team sat down on Sunday to play monopoly and, if there was time, lay out the foundations for this splendid periodical, some bright spark suggested that we cover the conclusion of VFS. What an excellent idea, we all agreed, and had completed an entire specialist 3D issue on that single topic, complete with free poster and balloons, when it was realised that we won't in fact know who has won until Thursday evening, by which time this periodical will have been dispatched and our team of journalists will once again be at home wanking themselves raw. So we binned that spectacular issue and persuaded our least able journalist to write the story instead; this was especially useful as we only have to pay him in hugs and Jelly Babies. So VFS trundles on into its final laborious stages; some of you may remember voting a long long time ago when it was still exciting and you checked the page every day to see how your favourite candidate was doing. Now the only people checking VFS every day are Thekillerfroggy and Zombiebaron, and only then because they are winning at the moment. Obviously all that is needed to recapture the attention of the average Uncyclopedian is a header proclaiming the existence of breasts and, of course, exclusive interviews with other Uncyclopedians! Regrettably only one of those is available right now and this being the UnSignpost you can probably guess which one. "Well I do have a plan," said Thekillerfroggy when we interviewed him about his tactics for being the winner. When pressed, he revealed that "Well I can't reveal too much but I can say that my plan involves being the winner." Clearly TKF is playing the long game, but how about Zombiebaron? "Zombiecrat!" replied Zombiebaron when we asked how he would counter TKF's ambitious strategy to be the winner, which roughly translated means that Zombiebaron plans to be the winner as well. Third placed candidate Modusoperandi is currently sticking to his usual duties: sticking the occasional template on Ban Patrol and posting on the forums where he is occasionally racist; the best and wisest man any of us have ever known. The other obvious problem here is that we don't have any particularly active Bureaucrats (thus why we are holding this vote) to give the newly elected users their rights on Friday morning. However this is a minor detail since the voting is the fun part of any VFS and you all enjoyed that... right? Forest Fire
As we were saying last week, Dr. Skullthumper really needs a hobby, preferably one that involves very long compulsory breaks from his computer. However, undeterred by such scathing criticism, Dr. Skullthumper and Lyrithya have decided, in the name of quality, to reform the maintenance templates, leaving a queue of articles on the timestamped maintenance categories as long as the list of women that Dr. Skullthumper isn't sleeping with. When we arrived to question the good doctor, Lyrithya demonstrated her commitment to the project by immediately saying "It was Dr. Skullthumper's fault," which at least shows she is a team player. Of course Dr. Skullthumper is far too busy to answer our questions, especially when there are problems to be solved and edit counts to be raised, so he has proposed another forest fire week because if there's anything more fun than sorting through hundreds of articles, it's tagging hundreds of them with templates. For those of you who have never seen a forest fire week it is essentially a week (duh) where users are encouraged to tag crap articles with a tag that gives them 7 days to live. All splendid and wholesome; the only issue being that for reasons best known to himself, Dr. Skullthumper has posted this idea in BHOP, so you actually have to go there in order to read it, sorry. Of course such an idea assumes that tagging articles is fun and I'm sure you will agree it is, if you are doing it once or twice a day. Once the seven days are over you'll wish that there was no Uncyclopedia, no internet and ultimately no choice! So hurry over to cast your all-important votes, and speed us on our way to misery and clerkly drudgery! |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:13, June 30, 2011 (UTC)
You haven't edited for almost 2 weeks!
You okay? Or are you on vacation again? -- Lollipop - 00:23, 30 June 2011
- :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( --Roman Dog Bird 01:00, June 30, 2011 (UTC)
- Come back here, or I bring back the penis lollipop! You don't want me to bring it back. Olipro threatened to ban me for making it, back in the day. -- Lollipop - 05:53, 2 July 2011
It's free and it always will be; it's the UnSignpost!
The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes
July 7th, 2011 • Issue 128 • Why not have some Yoghurt?
The Final Solution
The year is 2011, as you are obviously well aware, and Uncyclopedia once again faces a crisis that could very well shake the very foundations of the wiki and destroy the comedic soul of the userbase. Ha, fooled you, here is a story about a forum that nobody except Lyrithya has replied to. You all recall that last week we covered Dr. Skullthumper and his latest dalliance with quality control. Well, it seems that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user took exception to these changes, and he is determined to make a stand for justice, democracy and the The UnSignpost decided not to have an interview with anyone this week as it involves all sorts of complex logistical work and what can be charitably described as begging but rather has elected to have people answer any question with a random line from their talk page that they have said; we aren't completely unprofessional. The first person we didn't sit down with was Socky himself, to inform him that we were running this story. "That's... partially nice and partially creepy to hear." he responded. Asked why he opposed the reforms he said "The dark side is always my choice." which at least explains why he lives underneath a power station. Finally we asked what his proposed solution would be: "All I can say is that it's Arabic and I have a hunch it has "Allah" in it somewhere," he said enthusiastically (we imagine). We failed to ask Uncyclopedian every man Frosty what he thought about the conflict, he responded by saying "They are actually both kinda awful, so whatever. I cant be bothered." albeit he did say this on Tuesday... to someone else... about something completely different. Dr. Skullthumper rebutted Socky's accusations of Article Death Camps by saying "I've been an uptight fucker because I was on my periods" to RAHB, in 2008. Hopefully this will all accumulate with some kind of massive fight, hopefully with lasers... in space; this correspondent certainly hopes so. Competitions
We here at the UnSignpost were out of writing material this week, and that doesn't just mean we have run out of pens, it means that VFS has concluded, nobody is really fighting about anything and most crucially there have been no writing competitions. Usually you can't move for Uncyclopedia competitions begging people to write something funny in the name of fun and games and with the promise of a shiny template should they do particularly well. Well Thekillerfroggy certainly noticed and it seems that every person who has ever hosted a competition ever was just waiting for him to ask since they are now all fighting over who gets to hold their writing competition first, by being incredibly gallant and insisting that everyone else go first. It's like watching a group of middle aged women discuss who will get to have the last Malteser: "Oh I really shouldn't, no you do it, you haven't had a Malteser in such a long time, I know I love them and being in charge of them but you asked nicely, oh do go on Mavis." You get the idea (obviously in this analogy Maltesers are writing competitions). We list the ideas floating around on the forum below for your 1) The PLS, last hosted by Sycamore in February. 2) The Article Whisperer last hosted by MadMax in October last year. 3) The Happy Monkey Competition hosted by Shabidoo in March. 4) Some hypothetical competition possibly hosted by Ljlego at some theoretical point this summer. One thing is for certain, one of these will happen, be sure to keep an eye on the forums to see what is being held when, that way you can not take part as a conscientious objection rather than just through ignorance. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, July 7, 2011 (UTC)
BRO!!! Much Thanks for making Padmé
The UnSignpost: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger!
We're delivering it to your door anyways!
July 14th, 2011 • Issue 129 • The Engines cannae take it Captain!
Now You're Gone
This week the UnSignpost is the bearer of sad sad news. A person close to us all, an integral cog in the workings of the wiki has taken a leave of absence and now there is nobody to take up the slack. Yes it is with a heavy heart we report that Sannse is hardly ever here these days. For those who are interested there will be a small service on Sunday where we will all have a minutes fresh air in honour of Sannse, on the plus side Lyrithya hasn't edited the wiki in four days at the time of going to press! This forum by super sensitive Ljlego details his intentions to force Lyrithya into a holiday, buy tampons and grow a vagina, not necessarily in that order. For those of you who don't know what a holiday involves it's a very expensive way of going to stay somewhere with unreliable internet, too much spicy food and to be molested by foreigners who smell of spicy food. Ljlego doesn't make it clear why exactly he thinks that Lyrithya needs molesting but it's most likely because she makes a prettier lady than he does. Dr. Skullthumper, who just can't stay out of the UnSignpost these days, has diagnosed Lyrithya with what he calls "Uncyc Fatigue" a condition that in its final stages renders one completely incapable of caring about anything to do with Uncyclopedia. By that prognosis just about every woman in this correspondent's life has suffered from "Uncyc Fatigue" and not, as I incorrectly assumed, "Chief Fever". Romartus called for calm saying that we should "Let Lyrithya decide what she wants to do without pressure". So we should all just sit back and wait for the first corpse to turn up; cut to pieces in an alleyway with "Shifty Eyes" daubed in blood on a nearby wall. In other news the forums have exploded with suggestions for writing competitions, with ideas like "You write an article with your eyes closed!" and "You write an article about pants and then we all vote on which pants article is most pants and the winner can add a picture of some pants to their signature!!!" being floated for your approval. If you want to participate or support an idea then make a point of telling the person suggesting it, or they are liable to forget all about it. The PLS is the one that is most likely to happen and it needs What you should all be doing.
Hi there, my name is Magic man. Some of you may know me as god, some of you may not. In this day in age, it's hard to know what to do; you've got the media, your boss, and all your friends at school (don't try to deny it, I know most of you are still schoolchildren) telling you different things: What to like, what to wear, who to be friends with, not to follow them home. To be quite frank, it annoys the hell out of me when people tell other people what to do. Unless I'm the one doing the telling. So after reviewing all the opinion columns, listening long and hard to everyone opinions I have come to this conclusion: Really, I'm a great guy and very deserving. All my research does point to everyone giving me all their money, so that's another reason, right there. What's that you say? you think I'm lying to you just to help myself? Noooooo! What would make you say that? I mean, have I ever lied to you? Okay, maybe. But that doesn't mean I'm lying right now. Really, I'm not. Huh? What now?! You say you're to poor, old, ugly, lazy, selfish, stupid or short to give me money? Well don't worry your |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, July 14, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost: Avoid all contact with eyes.
83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail
July 21st, 2011 • Issue 130 • Are you flirting with me?
Voting (again)
So as we approach the end of the month the monthly award competition should really be heating up and showing us all the great expanses of talent of which Uncyclopedia can rightfully boast. We are pleased to report that this is exactly what has happened; the awards pages are packed with votes and edit summaries complaining of edit conflicts while voting, or at least they would be... IF WE LIVED IN OPPOSITE WORLD! In reality visiting an awards page feels rather like trekking around Chernobyl, sans Ukranian soldier who refuses to take pictures of you in front of all the landmarks; strange mutated beings (nominees) stagger out of the shadows begging for just one vote. However they await in vain as it would appear that all of you have forgotten that voting is actually the most fun you can have on Uncyclopedia, especially with your clothes off. One need only survey the lesser awards like Author of the Month and Potatochopper of the Month to see that this is clearly an issue in need of resolution. Dr. Skullthumper had this to say of the voting problem: "How so, where?" so we can all be assured that it is at the top of his to-do list of urgent issues to be resolved. The UnSignpost would like to be the first to recommend a solution; we suggest that we hit the award pages hard and fast with a major leafleting campaign, which when followed up with a proposal to propose a discussion on the issue of awards pages with few votes to be considered at some hypothetical point in the near to distant future by a committee of individuals elected through two junior sub-committees, will be a considerable force to be reckoned with. Since investigation is rumoured to be a part of the remit of the UnSignpost we outfitted several of our fearless reporters with pens and paper and sent them to find out what you think. Our first call was to the home of <insert name here> who, may we say, could do with mowing his lawn once in a while, and putting some clothes on before dancing to Blondie in the front room. "I was actually just going to vote on all the awards, no worries guys" said <insert name here> and we can only hope that <insert name here> does exactly that, since liars are regularly incarcerated on Zombiebaron's prison island, where the piteous cries of "No Zombiebaron here?" never stop. To update on the awards that have amassed some votes Noob of the Month, Uncyclopedia's favourite award, is exceptionally close this month with one candidate having assailed the dizzying heights of 4 votes and his nearest competitor tailing him at the similarly disorientating altitude of 3 votes. Uncyclopedian of the Month is a Frosty appreciation party and he leads his nearest competitor by 8 votes. Writer of the Month is a much more subdued affair with Mattsnow leading the pack with a massive three votes. The obvious resolution to this and indeed all problems on Uncyclopedia is that we all start voting as much as humanly possible, I'm going to go and do it right now; <insert name here> promised he would and I am inspired by his example, we hope you will be too. Football
It's American Football Season! Or so we are reliably informed on this forum by Guildensternenstein. The news is obviously that fantasy football is about to start again, for those of you who don't know how it works you are probably best to look it up on wikipedia or something because we here at the UnSignpost haven't a clue. Guildy has said "I need a minimum of 6 guys" and he would like about 12 people to sign up for fantasy football as well. The UnSignpost would also like to extend the offer of the post of "Pretend Sports Correspondent" to someone who can, occasionally, keep the expectant world up to date on the goings on in the league. If you want to participate then you had better sign up soon as there are only about three places left at the time of going to press, a working knowledge of American Football is not essential, just ask Neox and the "Well-Dressed Pickles" who managed to go the entirety of last season without winning or editing the line up, despite it containing six of the worst players in the entire league. Anyone interested in reporting on the fantasy football should submit a report to the press room from where, after some minor editing, we will place it into the next issue and claim it as our own. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:13, July 21, 2011 (UTC)
More class than 9000 schools: It's the UnSignpost!
The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH
July 28th, 2011 • Issue 131 • Happy Thursday
Forest Fire Spreads, Users Divided
Now when it comes to deleting crap articles everybody on Uncyclopedia is on the same side, with the possible exception of Jupiterfox. We want crap articles out in order that we can effectively breed a wiki fit for kings and whoever else might stumble by. It is in the name of pruning the grand bush of humour that Forest Fire Week (or FFW if you are on a tight schedule) has come to be once again. For those of you who have been living under rocks on the surface of Saturn with only the UnSignpost to provide you with news Forest Fire Week involves tagging articles with a tag (duh) and then deleting them after seven days no matter what anyone else says. Such is the attraction of sending articles into the great infinite that there is a scoreboard on the forum detailing which of the Nobody will be surprised to learn that this is yet another brainwave from Uncyclopedia's head innovator Dr. Skullthumper who has a vision for Uncyclopedia and it is an Uncyclopedia that remains aerodynamic at high speeds due to the lack of poor articles attached to it. As always the UnSignpost has foregone actually speaking to him, mostly because we don't want our archives to be burned to the ground in the name of quality control. But just remember the good doctor is convinced "Our ancestors would not be proud of us" so we must be going right somewhere. Forest Fire Week ends on the very day that this splendid periodical has been delivered to you; users are instructed to return to their caves and await Dr. Skullthumper's next brain fart, it won't take long, it'll probably be recommending some kind of cyber upgrade for your brain that will turn us all into Cybermen. Then Doctor Who will have to murder everyone with plastic explosive, before having a final showdown with Dr. Skullthumper as he attempts to escape the exploding factory in his personal Zeppelin. It could happen. Users Return. Everything is Ruined.
So you've been away from Uncyclopedia for a while, doing.... the garden. After a while you sit down and say "Hey my life is pretty average at the moment; I've finally managed to fit 17 crayons into a single nostril. I'll swing by past Uncyclopedia and all the freaky losers there!". So you do and everything has changed, what was right is now wrong that which once wore parachute pants... continues to wear parachute pants. Yes it seems Uncyclopedia isn't what it used to be as literally two users have reappeared to inform us that everything has gone wrong all of a sudden. Yes you should all be ashamed of the mess every single one of you have made of their favourite pages. There isn't really a point to this story, it is more a public service announcement. The other point of this story is to inform you all that our principal editor will be unable to write any news next week due to the impending arrival of several "friends" wishing to discuss some of his unfortunate financial liabilities. The UnSignpost therefore requires somebody to write the whole thing next week, attend the tedious meetings and... well that's pretty much it. If interested you should simply write the UnSignpost, it's easy; help us manage an issue every week for an entire year. It beats having real life goals. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:13, July 28, 2011 (UTC)
Are are winner
Zombie of the Month July 2011 | |
~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 07:39, August 1, 2011 (UTC)
ChiefjusticeDS is a lazy sod and has paid the ultimate price... an UnSignpost Coup
The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
August 6th, 2011 • Issue 132 • Happy Thursday Saturday
Abandon Ship. Uncyclopedia is sinking.
Perhaps the very reason why am I writing the UnSignpost for you this week and that it is unforgivably two days late will be the main topic for this weeks top story. And that is that quite simply, everybody is leaving Uncyclopedia. Many of our long time users (If you haven't left yourself!) agree that it was Mordillo that started that unfortunate trend way back in March of this year. Of course everyone was saddened we paid our respects and moved on, nobody thought it would expand to the hip new trend it was become. Because quite frankly I personally believe most users are simply leaving us for the lulz. We were of course saddened as we watch MrN9000, SPIKE, Hyperbole, PuppyOnTheRadio, Under user, Todd Lyons, Lyrithya and our UnSignpost editor and many others whom are either not important enough or I simply forget to mention. Which brings us to the question as to why they are all leaving. Whether its because they've finally got a life, a job and a girlfriend or their simply grumpy with us all doesn't matter. What really matters is you're still here which I am very thankful for <3. All hail your new UnSignpost editor.
Simply because nobody ever submits any story ideas or suggestions like you are supposed it leaves it up to the editor to improvise on the spot. Something which this re-leaving editor is really poor at. Instead he is going to simply whre about how is a better writer than the normal writer. He is better simply due to his profound ability to whore out two bullshit stories that any sane person could see a blatant attempt to fill empty white space. Partically true I guess. When I got appointed this task by This guy , I though what could I possibly write about? Forest Fire Week? VFS? How the beloved editor won three awards last month? Well quite simply telling the story of how I arrived at this thrilling yet totally stupid story seemed like the obvious alternative, and if you read this whole thing. Hail Frosty! |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, August 6, 2011 (UTC)
More rubbish Australian Prose because ChiefjusticeDS got stabbed in the buttocks by a rioter with a felt-tip pen
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
August 11th, 2011 • Issue 133 • Stay Frosty!
And the burning continues
It is so blatantly obvious that this is the thing to to talk about at the moment, so whilst totally disregarding I may be risking talking about it too much, I give you the latest stats on FFW. Quite sadly I say that our article count as at all time low, if you'll refer to exhibit A on the right you will see where I predict Uncyclopedia will eventually sink. I asked resident Perhaps the most strongly against the FFW So as we watch our article count gradually and then catastrophically spiral downwards think to yourself was the FFW a necessary idea? If in a couple of years down the track you find yourself actually having to emerge from your basement and get a job because Uncyclopedia has finally destroyed itself, at least you'll know exactly who to blame. Annual Uncyclopedia Summer Extravaganza!
This is perhaps a story I should included in the last UnSignpost but I was too busy whoring about my pro writing skillz and Chiefs absence. So my apologies to those in charge of what appears to be a pretty cool idea for a writing challenge! For those of you who don't follow the dump, this is a writing competition organized by the somewhat over the top and insane Joe9320, Aimsplode and until quite recently Shabidoo who appears to have vacated his seat as chairperson for the tournament. The participants are required to split into teams of three in which they are given a mere 16 days and 12 hours (Yes two weeks wasn't going to work), in which to write as many articles as they can on a summer based theme. Which is to say they will write about booze and sex but I guess the whole summer theme was just a cover for that. The articles are submitted for judging in which the winner will be the judges favorite I guess. To be honest I'm putting it down to the admin team to win simply because they can delete all other entries thus eliminating any competition, but hey that's just speculation. I really hope you're all having fun with the summer comp whilst I and all other southern hemisphere dwelling Uncyclopedians whilst we freeze in this winter, but hey that's what we get for being Australian! Having a riot in London
Would anybody like a free television? |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:11, August 11, 2011 (UTC)
Now it only wants you gone; it's the UnSignpost!
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
August 18th, 2011 • Issue 134 • Have a Dumpling.
It's Kicking Off
A little while ago, when the world was young and we were actually interviewing people instead of making up vaguely racist quotes, the UnSignpost ran a story on the #uncyclopedia IRC channel. At the time we could have raised issues about it being a wholly separate community where the rules of the site blur into a haze of... haziness, but we didn't; we were far too busy making jokes about penises and the abundance of jokes on the same to be found on IRC. Now, once again, IRC has been thrust into the limelight and a great deal of hand-wringing and swearing has inevitably been the consequence. Yes, this is the news that once again the cruel spectre of drama hovers above the wiki as Lyrithya has decided that there are several problems that need addressing. Number one: she would like a trip to Europe but doesn't have the disposable income, number 2: Uncyclopedia sucks , number 3: there are not enough forum topics about problem number two. She has set out to remedy the horrendous forum deficiency by creating two with deceptively enjoyable titles. The serious point to these forums revolves around the accountability of the administrators, which Lyrithya feels there is not enough of. The forum topics are the usual; huge blocks of text with no humorous comments about the Power Rangers anywhere in sight. It's all very sad and will probably end with someone leaving and vowing never to return. The other vitally important news is that Zombiebaron reports that the Forest Fire Week huffing has finished, a full two weeks after Forest Fire Week finished. When asked to comment on the less than speedy huffage of all these articles, Zombiebaron had this to say: "Zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron! Zombiebaron?" which surprised us since we didn't even know he played the violin. Now all that we need to attend to are the thousands and thousands of broken redirects which MadMax spent countless hours creating to make everyone's lives easier. Now he has the honour of watching them be destroyed in the name of making the wiki better. Happy Thursday everyone. R.I.P Roman Dog Bird
It is with great sadness that we report that our long time friendly, disturbing, creepy, dirty, often autistic admin Roman Dog Bird has apparently left for some reason, a departure he announced with a rather dramatic yawn, a shame, as his ban reasons are probably the closest things to actual humour we have on Uncyclopedia. This reporter in particular found his often unjustified bannings of IPs, deletions of memorable pages and general disrespect for authority truly inspiring. On a side note, RAHB decided to return this week as part of a poorly concealed attempt to cover up the disappearance of another partially departed admin, Dr. Skullthumper. We would like to encourage all readers to welcome RAHB back by telling him how much Frank Zappa sucks on his talk page; apparently he likes that. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, August 18, 2011 (UTC)
Wonko tiddlybum-post
The edition that's black and white and dead all over
August 25th, 2011 • Issue 135 • Pudding anyone?
Illogicopedia is stealing our ideas again
In an entirely precedented move, Illogicopedia has yet again stolen our proud Uncyclopedian traditions. Yes, they've finally done it, they've finally taken for their own everything that we at the UnSignpost proudly stood for, making a mockery of our fine establishment by starting up their own newspaper, the Illogicopedian Times. Or restarting, really; Readmesoon et all managed to put out a whole three issues in 2009 before getting arrested for snorting bumblebees or something, or whatever Illogicopedians do in their spare time, so technically the current is a continuation of that. But even more shocking than that, the Illogicpedia Times is doing well; after the announcement of its revival with the release of a dummy issue and a call for contributors, Illogicopedians have actually been contributing. Almost immediately two new issues were created; while these two were both a little too well-done for a proper ?pedian publication, the worst bits were merged into the first new issue, which has already been released to tremendous apathy on their end, and outrage on ours. But this was plural Illogicopedians, unlike the usually singular Uncyclopedian or two who invariably finds itself desperately floundering for topics to write about for our publications, and as we all know, nothing ever even happens on ?pedia, so how do they do it? What are we doing wrong? The answer, my friends, is nothing. We aren't doing anything wrong; they simply stole all our ideas and used those to write their own, and having not written any of their own in so long, they had all our back issues to comb. We suggest going to Readmesoon's talkpage and mocking him and the other editors thoroughly when they inevitably run out of said ideas to steal; it shouldn't take terribly long seeing as we never really had many to begin with. Meantime, perhaps we need more Zombiebaron. Please help me.
Please help me. I am trapped in a well. It is very dark and cold down here. I was flying a kite and looking up at the sky when I fell down here by mistake. Please send me food. (To send food to Zombiebaron, please enclose all foods within a handmade envelope and address the envelope the P.O. Box 9912203288-402B at your local train station) Urinal issues
Due to a recent shortage of plumbers, some of the urinals in the men's restroom have been backing up. As such, we at the UnSignpost would like to urge all readers to tread carefully in there, and if possible, try to lend a hand in the clean up. More news to come as the situation becomes more dire. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, August 25, 2011 (UTC)
Mailman's here! Lock up your daughters and horny middle-aged Wives!
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
September 1st, 2011 • Issue 136 • PIGGY is a loser.
Spambots!
Recently, an evil army of spambots has laid siege to Uncyclopedia. While most users went on in blissful ignorance, the rollbacks loaded their guns, the admins loaded their cannons, and Sannse took one look and didn't load her checkuser. "You're overreacting," she would have said had anyone asked her, which they didn't. These spambots are known for their random edit summaries and their apparent praise of the wiki, apparent because they have been all too happy to spread the very same praise around other sites as well, the whores: "This really helped me, I know so much now," said one of the spambots when cornered by a bin of potatoes. It later said the exact same thing regarding a deleted page. As always, the UnSignpost urges all readers to confront these bots and tell them they're doing it wrong, that they are adopted and how their mothers never hugged them, as well as that their coding is deprecated and their owner runs them through Internet Explorer, losers. And for those of you who prefer the usual blah blah blah to stop them, that also remains an option. This is just plain Unacceptable! Drama. You never know where it's going to strike. You never know when it's going to strike. You never know how or why it's going to strike. And dare I say, there are times when you cannot be altogether very sure at all what it's going to strike. One thing is for certain, though; here at Uncyclopedia, we do a bloody poor job of it, and in the name of Klaus Nomi and his immaculate hair, we should all be ashamed! There are not enough bad things going on! Everywhere one looks it's another pathetic little pissing fight about something as insignificant as BUTT POOP!!!!, or a misdirected conservative whining about retards. Enough, I say! This is child's play! Gone are the glorious days of perpetual Uncyclopedia flame-wars, the legends such as Talk:Euroipods forever eluding the minds of today's generation of shit-raisers and stink-throwers! What of the glory that was NXWave, and his numerous sockpuppets? What of the majestic splendor of the great Aspie war? Uncyclopedians, you have disgraced your heritage! You have almost made this a pleasant place to reside! Do you realize that? This week I challenge you, oh alleged patrons of flamewars and troll-being, to take a look at yourselves, and you will soon realize that your true purpose has been eluding you for all of these years. It's time we stand up and yell! Scream! WHINE like you mean it! Whine like you whined on your first day of kindergarten when your mother drove away! Whine like a prom queen suddenly and unexpectedly drafted into the Armed Forces! Whine like your forefathers and their forefathers before them! CAUSE A STIR! CAUSE A REVOLUTION! CAUSE CHAOS! But most importantly....cause a drama. Thank you. Frosty wants to know how he's doing.
He's doing horribly. He is not a better editor than that other guy, who at least had the decency to bring me bribes of frappes and muffins. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
This UnSignpost brought to you by... uh... fairy dust? Hmm, we seem to have run out of sponsors.
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
September 8th, 2011 • Issue 137 • This is still going? How?
New urinals to be installed
As you are no doubt aware, having been following the UnSignpost religiously like every good Uncyclopedian does, we recently reported on the decrepit state of the Uncyclopedian urinals. In the weeks since, the lavatories have been undergoing repairs following an in-depth investigation into the matter conducted out of sheer paranoia. It would seem this paranoia was warranted, however, because the entire messy affair was apparently caused by some idiot getting the bright idea to pour a vat of rubber cement down a broken toilet. If you have any information that might lead to the identity of the culprit, please, report it to the authorities. A forum has also been created to aid in the cleanup; if you would like to aid in the efforts, or would simply prefer to point and laugh at your smelly peers as they help install new urinals, that would be the place to go.
Greetings, Uncyclopedians. You may remember me from our previous issue, in which I mercilessly berated the lot of you for being a pathetic bunch of whiny losers who wouldn't know a good drama if it bit them on the nose. Beating the ever-loving shit out of your self-respect, I then left you with a challenge. To "most importantly, cause a drama." Within the past week, you've really shown me something. Congratulations are in order! Rejoice, Uncyclopedia! For you have not only caused a drama, you have in fact become The Drama! Your armpits reek of the glorious B.O. of internet drama, and that reek is really getting me off! Fear no more, for as long as thine hearts remain impure, and your bellies full of Mountain Dew, you shall never stray off the path of utter boorish piss-fighting again! I will make sure of that, watching over your future endeavors of pointlessness like a guardian magical angel with a funny Irish hat. You deserve it. You have reached the very top of the mountain, like some flaming golden eagle, majestically flying across the sky, shitting all over everything in its path...majestically. Don't listen to what your detractors say. Your constant bickering is UNITING the very country of Uncyclopedia, like some sort of annoying super glue that causes a rash if it comes into contact with human skin. You should be proud! You should be elated! You should be madly stroking yourself off at the very prospect of being the very best dramanator the world has ever seen!! But seriously, you can stop it now.
While this should come as no surprise to those of you immersed in the affairs of Wikimedia, assuming there are any of you immersed in that, we at the UnSignpost recently found ourselves quite horrified (and strangely aroused) by the images to be found on Wikimedia's servers after an anonymous source informed us of what currently qualifies as a feature. Specifically, yaoi porn. While for the sake of all our manhood we probably shouldn't repeat the URL here, for the sake of all our women and our gays, we're going to link it anyway. Enjoy, ladies. And gays. For the rest of you, however, there is a very important lesson to be realised from this: our own situation here on Uncyclopedia really isn't all that bad. Sure, we've been featuring an unusual amount of articles explicitly about the male member this week (unlike the more typical ones implicitly about it), but none of them were quite this explicit, were they? No, really, were they? We didn't actually read any of them on account of being too busy researching this other matter for the sake of you lot. We do this all for you! It's all for you! Hello? |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 01:12, September 8, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost: Now with free bacon!
The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!
September 15th, 2011 • Issue 138 •My News Hungers for Justice
Poo and Pee
As we draw closer to the close of the summer, many Uncyclopedians find themselves casting about, searching for a way to manifest their creative talents before they all have to go back to school and learn how to add up big numbers. It is therefore fitting that two competitions will be hosted this month in order to alleviate the pain in your pants. The first is Pee Week, which began on Tuesday; this competition ran last year as well and was a great success in clearing the Pee backlog down to about 17 pages and was critically acclaimed by all 4 participants. Now, once again, all members of PEEING are summoned to the edge of the bowl to help clear a blockage which, according to RAHB, is "Backed up like a fat gerbil in a small tube". The competition this time has been started by Lyrithya; you know her, she's the crazy dame with all the wacky ideas about "Accountability" and "Standards". When asked to make a quick speech to commemorate the start of Pee Week she didn't say anything, so we made something up: "I now declare the revels open", she might have said. The rules are very simple: do reviews, wait in mounting anticipation for your review to be checked, list it here, move out of parents house, win a template, kiss a lady. It's that simple. The other competition that loomed into view this week was the PLS, our biggest writing competition. It's so cool that some of you may wish to beat box while reading the rest of this story so you feel like you're in "da club", because that's cool, right? This competition is being hosted by a harsh spunk-chugger who had plenty to say to the UnSignpost about the PLS, but as we unfortunately have other stories to get onto this week, we cannot provide you with any of the 73 page interview. Luckily Zombiebaron was on hand to say a quick word about the PLS: "Zombiebaron". The competition is very much the same as it has been, except this year the Best Alternate Namespace Article category has been dropped in favour of a Best Collaboration category, a controversial move due to the poor performance of such a category in previous years. ChiefjusticeDS had no comment to make about this, preferring instead to talk to our correspondent about his new book, "My Shit Life in 4,000 Pages". The competition starts on the 20th of this month, but judges are needed to judge (duh) the categories and there are still some spots available - see here for information and general blabbering about aircraft carriers and whatnot. Vandals destroy Uncyclopedia
In a massive meme fight which no one bothered to pay attention to until it was too late, two psychotic neurotic narcissists utterly destroyed the once-proud institution known as Uncyclopedia. "I banned them both for eternity!" said Uncyclopedia nanny Lyrithya, with tears in her eyes. "But their actions had already set in motion a horrible, horrible doom for us all, just like building that suburb on top of an Indian burial ground in the movie Poltergeist caused a hell-mouth to open. Oh, God. *shifty eyes*" The two vandals, who had been writing a rapidly-devolving series of articles incorporating the motif of a talking polar bear, apparently became so inane that their stupidity-streams crossed, tearing a crack in the Uncyclopedia space-time continuum. Suddenly, every Uncyclopedia article became commingled with its Encyclopedia Dramatica version. The entire Lovecraftian horror was quickly destroyed by a nuclear-armed United Nations hit squad. The cheeky monkeys, known as Izbeenoneweek and Bizzeebeever, are believed to be recovering from their wounds somewhere in their respective mothers' basements, however the future looks far from rosy for either of them. Various current and past Uncyclopedians, ranging from SPIKE to TheHumbucker to Zombiebaron, are said to be pissed to the point of wanting to track the two pranksters down and kill them with an iron-bound physical copy of HTBFANJS. "I'm coming back to the charred remains of Uncyclopedia, just to kill these fuckers," said Dr. Skullthumper. "Oh, by the way, hi, Lyrithya." |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:12, September 15, 2011 (UTC)
Brought to you by Lion Bars! It's the UnSignpost!
The edition that's black and white and dead all over
September 22nd, 2011 • Issue 139 •Lion Bars, so many Lion Bars.
Lion Bar Week
All good things must come to an end, and so, apparently, must everything else, as Pee Week successfully concluded on Tuesday of this week, having encouraged users to complete a whole 23 reviews! This mammoth undertaking means that it now takes only 10 minutes to scroll to the bottom of the Pee queue, and truly showcased the difference the promise of a special template can bring. One of the competition rewards is a "write-up" for the winner in the UnSignpost about "Their general awesomeness". Despite having attempted to explain that we don't do nice write-ups here and offering to publicly rubbish the families and friends of the winner instead, we eventually agreed to provide said write-up in return for a week's supply of Lion Bars. I mean, Lion Bars! I didn't even know you could get them in shops any more! If you break them in half it's like a Lion's Mouth, I mean it's like "ROOOOAR"! Anyway, so as we sat down, with a week's supply of Lion Bars, no less, to prepare this "glowing write-up" (which we were only doing because we got free Lion Bars). We thought it might be prudent to find out who had won Pee Week, and it turns out that the big winner is Frosty. Well, not really; we're the real winners because we got free Lion Bars. However, assuming success is not measured in Lion Bars (which it is), Frosty has indeed won. Frosty is a truly spiffing chap whose ability to Pee is only surpassed by his ability to eat Lion Bars; we do after all have a week's supply of Lion Bars so we could afford to share some with him. Frosty completed 6 in-depth reviews over the course of Pee Week, all of which we are sure were thoughtful, interesting and well-written. When asked to comment on his success, Frosty had this to say: "Well of course, it wasn't about the rewards and recognition, it was about- are those Lion Bars?"All the other people we interviewed about Frosty all told us he was fantastic, but he was quickly forgotten when our interviewees discovered that we had a sack full of Lion Bars with us and they only lapsed into further raptures of joy when we revealed that you can snap Lion Bars in half and roar. There you have it: Frosty is pretty awesome for winning Pee Week, but not quite as awesome as a week's supply of Lion Bars. Editor's note: Whether or not this is considered a "glowing" write-up is neither here nor there; we have an expert (kindly referred to us by the good people at Lion Bars) who is prepared to testify that this story is 200% more cheerful than usual. The editor would also like to thank everyone who was involved in Pee Week for their hard work in helping to clear the Pee queue. News from the Forums
You all love the forums right? Of course you do; everyone loves a good shout (IN CAPS!) and a spot of drama. So this week the UnSignpost has checked out the forums to tell you what is really going on on Uncyclopedia. First up is the most important news - the Poo Lit Surprise started on Tuesday and we have dispatched our roving reporters to the competition in order to interview participants, write stories and other journalistic stuff you wouldn't understand. We understand that the competition is expecting record turnout this year, with six articles submitted at the time of going to press. Six! Next you'll be telling us that people vote on VFP more than once every six months and that more than two people know how to use the new abuse filter. The other fascinating topic in the forum is that of the sidebar. You see it there at the side? Well that's the sidebar, clue's in the name. Basically Lyrithya thinks the sidebar is unacceptable; there are just too many links on it. The solution? Voting and lots of it; with 45 voting headers in the forum at the time of going to press, even Uncyclopedia's most avid voters will be able to get their daily voting fix here. The UnSignpost invites users to go over and create their very own voting header and vote for that as that seems to be exactly what everyone else is doing. Assuming Uncyclopedia hasn't disappeared in some kind of voting singularity by next week, the UnSignpost will be here to explain to you exactly what is going on with the sidebar, something which at the moment is being shaped almost solely by Mattsnow, Aimsplode and TheHappySpaceman, with occasional input from Zombiebaron and Socky. We don't think we need to explain to you why this is not right. The other stuff in the forum is about Hyperbole reaching 50.5 features, the site notice being filled with bodily fluids, a bumped forum from about seven months ago and this forum which has been going for about 3 weeks now, and, like the Panda in Zombiebaron's first book, just needs to have its brain consumed and die. |
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~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 07:49, September 22, 2011 (UTC)
Hold onto your wage packets! It's the UnSignpost!
The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
September 29th, 2011 • Issue 140 •A Periodical for the Uncyclopedian of tomorrow, today!
Poo Underway
What's that you say? We can't possibly run a story on the Poo Lit Surprise for a third consecutive week? Well what on earth gave you that idea? No this story is about the other goings on on Uncyclopedia that certainly aren't the Poo Lit Surprise, which incidentally is happening at the moment. So for absolutely no real reason we called in to speak to Oliphaunte who we found crying his eyes out somewhere that most certainly wasn't the PLS. "It's just so unfair" he sobbed to our wholly unsympathetic reporters "I worked so hard and now on a technicality I have had two articles disqualified from the-" Unfortunately a huge Rhinocerous then appeared from nowhere and ate Oliphaunte before he could tell us what he had been disqualified from; much to the delight of our assembled reporters who could all now knock off work forty minutes early. However an interesting fact that we did dig up is that if Oliphaunte had been disqualified from the PLS, something which we can't confirm, it would make him the first Uncyclopedian to ever be disqualified from two separate PLS categories, for the same reason, in the same day. Ha ha ha, how embarrassing that would be. It has also come to the attention of our editorial team that there is a worrying noob shortage on Uncyclopedia, how do they know this? They know this because on passing the PLS page on our way to... peace and quiets we happened to notice that there are currently no entrants for the best noob article category, something which any aspiring new users should take note of, since you need only churn out a piece of utter This story has been all about the PLS, we totally fooled you. Shame and VFH
The headline says it all. The shame that we all should feel for the state of things and the location of that shame. This is the news that VFH hit a new and highly interesting low this week. All five of you who visited the page may well have noticed the banner at the top (which is gone now, in a transparent attempt to stop me having something else to ramble about this week) declaring that while we aren't short on articles that the community thinks are worthy of a spot on the front page, we are short of a community to confirm this. Well no we aren't it's just they are all very very busy. Frosty for instance is exceptionally busy creating and maintaining forums like this, while Aimsplode is still desperately flogging the deceased equine that is this... thing. Clearly these people are not to be distracted by the social niceties of voting and the creative process. Another, much more interesting revelation this week came when TheHappySpaceman declared his hatred of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" which polls show has recently become more popular among Uncyclopedians than www.pornforsadlonelybastards.com. We didn't bother asking him for comment, partly because laziness is next to Godliness but also because he hates ponies so is unlikely to find a group of journalists asking him for quotes about the same any more enjoyable. So there you have it, TheHappySpaceman hates ponies and nobody is voting on VFH. Truly these are the darkest of days. |
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-- 01:19, September 29, 2011 (UTC)
A day late, because ChiefjusticeDS got lazy: The UnSignPost!
The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
October 6th, 2011 • Issue 141 •Am I still on that fecking island?
It's all over!
Well obviously people are getting sick of hearing about it (because ChiefjusticeDS has done nothing but blab about it for the past 3 issues, thus making it dull and boring by the time it is actually worth mentioning), but the bi-annual Uncyclopedia:Poo Lit Surprise is locked for judging and shall be until the 12th, when the winner will be announced! I have to say, as a judge, there are some pretty aspiring, feature worthy works being displayed and it really bring out the best of Uncyclopedia. But then again, some works don't look like they are quite finished and the 2 weeks have simply flown past for some of the hopefuls. I am also disappointed that our n00bs where two n00bish to actually include any entries except for one, which has subsequently won without any effort. Anyway I'm pretty sure we know who has the best article and will therefore win the whole ordeal. But really, what will become of all this? Further proof that all Uncyclopedians are a series of monkeys on typewriters? Or some top notch quality humor for the enjoyment of all and enough features to fill the queue until Christmas? Well I'm going to play it by ear, and wait until the judging part is over and done with. Because as far as I can see if our writers are as competent at our judges, there is no hope what so ever. JUDGES GET JUDGING, OR YOU'LL BE VERY VERY SORRY INEED!
The bitch is back!
Oh yes, a phrase used all too frequently to indicate some loser is indeed amongst us again. Tom mayfair, a user who has been largely dorment since 2008 has made an epic comeback in the past week swearing eternal allegiance to the cause once more. He came barging in demanding his sysop powers back (with success I might add) and got right back down to editing again. Good work Tom! But this of course makes us all wonder where the hell the lad has been for the last couple of years, after all he only made a groundbreaking 6 edits in 2010. So why the hell has his sad domestic life become more important than us suddenly? Well the truth is, he's got a wife or something as far as I've been told told over IRC and so he is probably more preoccupied with the better things in life, rather than some sad little websites full of people who can't write to save their lives. I therefore hate the loser for making a mockery out of us all. We're going to lose our precious talk pages!
Oh yeah, because wikia is all bright 'n'all, we're going to be losing our talk pages for some fancy pants message walls kind of like facebook. Users have expressed outrage to this, in the form of angry forums, flame wars, letter bombs and urban terrorism. I don't blame 'em either, this is just plain unacceptable, I have a list there of people that owe me money! Anyway the petition is 'ere, go add your name to the over 200 that are already there for all the good it'll do. Now back to my sulking about my precious talk page... |
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~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 01:39, October 7, 2011 (UTC)
your page
I enjoyed Moving the goal posts.--Nikau 14:26, October 19, 2011 (UTC)
Generic UnSignpost header
I love it when the news comes together
October 27th, 2011 • Issue 142 •Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!
Regular Servicing
Over the past two weeks Uncyclopedia has been a dreary and empty place. Uncyclopedians flit through the corridors unseeing, unknowing, unfeeling, uncaring. The reason? The UnSignpost has missed two issues. Now the UnSignpost would like to apologise for this, we would like to say that it was because Capitalist demonstrators have been camped outside our offices demanding that we stop producing terrible material for nothing, but we cannot because they aren't. We don't even have an office so if that were true it would be something of an achievement. No it is the blight that has caused the fall of so many UnSignpost editors: laziness and life. Like the Grim Reaper in Final Destination they stalk you from the second you write an issue and then, when you least expect it, they strike all of a sudden you have priorities and you can't be arsed to complete any of them, which would be a problem, if you could be arsed to care. But fear not normal service has now resumed and the UnSignpost will be making its way to talk pages again this Thursday, which should please all four of the people who are A: active enough to read the UnSignpost, B: Not members of the editorial team who have read it already and C: Haven't read it while it is being written. The other big news from approximately two weeks ago is that the Poo Lit Surprise is finished, much to the delight of everyone. The big winners were of course Uncyclopedia and the creative process, there are no losers on Uncyclopedia after all, only the sad pathetic freaks who come in last. Of course they do not stand comparison to the biggest loser of all; the 11th Poo Lit Surprise chairperson ChiefjusticeDS who had quite a lot to say about the competition, happily we have managed to condense all of the 4 hour interview down to 8 words: "I was very glad to host the PLS". The real winners, besides the creative process, Uncyclopedia, Jesus and Democracy, are listed here. Special mention must go to Black flamingo11 for winning both Best Article and Best Collaboration (with Lyrithya) and also for being the runner up in the Best Rewrite category. Black flamingo had this to say about his incredible success: "SQUAWK", you can also listen to his full reaction just here, he's in the third row, fourth from the right. The Return of the Tide
As assorted drama unfolds around our beloved Wiki, it should be noted that some people have foolishly returned to the site, passing up the opportunity for a lucrative career milking cows or watching sheep. They have returned, we assume, for the simple fun of writing funny articles, the fools. Such bipolar candidates include everyone's favourite opiate Codeine. Try not to get his heart rate above 90 which, coincidentally, is his estimated age. His doctor told us in an exclusive interview that he may not make it if he so much as stands for more than 3 consecutive minutes, and that his obsessive "Anniversary" edits may hint as being a first grade of dementia. UnSignpost statisticians (yes really) have also calculated that this is the 15th time Codeine has returned to the wiki this year. At the other extreme of the sanity spectrum. Nikau who came back to the wiki with a vengeance: clogging up Recent Changes, writing 4 articles at the same time while doing Pee Reviews and drinking around 40 cans of Red Bull per hour in order to keep up the frantic pace. It is believed that he edits the wiki on 3 separate computers at the same time: two with his hands and one with his toes. He would probably do even more if it would not mean that he would be persistently edit conflicting himself. The community is really grateful for the return of such marvellous dinosaurs and decided to organize a Rhinoceros BBQ in their honour. Friday at <insert name here>'s house. Please bring your own dancing girls or we'll have to use Olipro and Mhaille again, and nobody has quite recovered after last time yet. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:17, 27 October 2011
Generic UnSignpost header
We're delivering it to your door anyways!
November 3rd, 2011 • Issue 143 • Forseeing all sorts of unforeseen problems since 2008!
Fundraising
Money, dosh, moolah, cash. It's the time of year when Wikipedia pastes a gigantic banner to the top of all of their pages hosting a link to an inspirational article penned by Wikia-Oberstgruppenführer Jimbo Wales (not to be confused with Uncyclopedian JimboTheKillerWhale). The text of this article usually runs along these lines: "Isn't Wikipedia wonderful? Yes it is. Now if you donate the small sum of £300 we can keep it looking nice and won't have to send it back to its parents in tiny pieces". This is an absolute disgrace. It's like they're holding Wikipedia to ransom; if I wanted to pay for information I'd move to Nazi Germany, assuming I had a time machine, obviously. How does this affect us here on our own benighted wiki? Well, the logged-in among you may well have paused to examine the banner that has been pasted all over the site notice this past week, at least you will have done before you hid it and carried on with whatever it is you people do all day. Predictably Lyrithya, never one to be swayed by the crippling apathy of the Uncyclopedia userbase, has suggested that we all try and create our own banners. Evidently she isn't swayed by the crippling ineptitude of the Uncyclopedia userbase either. Now we'll be brutally honest, the UnSignpost doesn't have a template critic and the current editorial staff aren't really sure how the UnSignpost itself works; we just fill in the boxes. However, as seasoned UnSignpost readers are no doubt aware, ignorance never stands in the way of good journalism, so having affixed berets to our monitors and incredibly condescending and disgusted looks to our faces, we decided to examine the submissions so far. First up is this one, which was made by Magic man in 2010, which brings a certain authority to the piece... we assume. However we simply cannot countenance the font, which makes it look like it was written by a spider on rollerskates. Go back and try again, Magic man, and get a haircut as well. The next choice offering came from the pen of EpicAwesomeness, and here it is. We sat down with EpicAwesomeness so he could talk us through the allegorical significance of the piece: "Well, you know, it has Wikipedia in it, you know, because I was just like trying to capture the fact Wikipedia is in it, you know?" he droned at our slack-jawed reporter. "There's, you know, some italics to prove I'm, like, sophisticated, and some blood to show I'm deep, it's my blood, I like to be in all my work. The background is a mix of my-" Alas, the recording of the interview ends there to the sound of gagging and retching, so we can only imagine what the background of EpicAwesomeness's banner is a mix of. Lollipop's offering is this interesting piece which expresses his desire to sodomise dogs. On an unrelated note the UnSignpost dog will not be appearing in this issue. The only other offering has come from an IP. We here at the UnSignpost are united in our delight at its subtlety and in raptures at its wit and elegance. Just kidding; the pictures are wrong, the text is wrong and I've never seen a template name so flawed. For your chance to critique the honest endeavours of other Uncyclopedians, visit the forum here. Or don't; visit the official page instead and remain untainted. Awards The forums have once again become the stage for what looks set to become one of the more exciting votes of the year. Thekillerfroggy has suggested that awards are becoming devalued when they are being handed out after voting from only one or two people. Naturally the solution is a quota of some sort, that or we drag the unused awards out to the square and beat them to death as an example to the others. This obviously comes as something of a blow to our plans to introduce an UnSignpost Editor of the Month award, which we wouldn't announce to anyone and would award to the most deserving amongst us every week until Judgement Day. The vote appears to be getting some support, indeed the forum has gotten more votes in two days (8 at time of going to press) than Playwright of the Month has managed to accrue so far this year (5 at the time of going to press). This leads us to suggest that instead of implementing its recommendations we simply create a new award, Policy Changing Forum of the Month, since as Thekillerfroggy so eloquently suggests "If you build it they will come". And so they will, TKF, assuming of course that you're building some kind of wank machine. The forum link is hanging about in the "Check out these pages" section, cleverly masquerading as a link. If you can't find your way to the correct forum with these instructions then we don't think you deserve to have a say. You big stupid-head. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:54, 3 November 2011
Generic UnSignpost header
STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!
November 10th, 2011 • Issue 144 • Is it really that big?
Hard-Hitting Journalism
There's plenty for the UnSignpost to talk about this week so, naturally, we have decided not to talk about any of it. Instead we are going to tell you about the issues, the real issues, the ones that they don't want you to know about. Issue number one is that the cabal chairperson for November: Zombiebaron has, and not everybody knows this, instructed the administrative body to ban everyone in the world. You can see that it's happening. I mean, does it not seem strange to you that every time there's some kind of vandalism at some point an administrator just happens to turn up? Are you with us? True anarchists should be sure to pick up their copy of "If you can't revert it, kick it to death" when it comes out on UnTunes. Another issue that they don't want you to know is that we appear to have another VFS fast approaching, which for the experienced among you also means four weeks worth of UnSignposts following the VFS. This is news which pleases our editor greatly as it will just about take him through to the stage where he can fill at least half of every issue with mince pie banter and can continue to drop into a stupor every Thursday without fear of missing another UnSignpost. The page is a melting pot of passive aggressive wankery mixed in with pessimism. We won't be quoting any of it here unfortunately, our wankery license got revoked after we ran that Conservapedia issue. Electrified mocha chinchilla has also hit the forums this week objecting to constant changes to the site notice. Something which should be secondary in importance to the fact that the vast majority of the userbase don't seem to have noticed, clearly we need a new site notice, possibly one that sits in the middle of the screen and runs away when you try to close it. Lyrithya has closed her fund-raising forum, having raised no money whatsoever, this correspondent isn't quite sure whether she understands what you when you fund-raise, and also would like to suggest she runs a car wash next time she wants to raise some cash. She closed the forum by saying "Thank you all for your efforts. Unfortunately blah blah blah...". Disgruntled banner creators are strongly encouraged not to hunt Lyrithya down and "Gut her like a stuck Pig", but obviously if such a thing were to happen it would not only provide great publicity for the wiki, but also would provide UnSignpost material for at least three months. On the topic of UnSignpost material, the editorial team would like to celebrate an entire year at the helm of the UnSignpost. A year, over the course of which, only two issues have been missed. Thanks must go to Frosty, Lyrithya and anyone else who picked up the slack on weeks when the editor wasn't doing the job he should have been. Thanks also to the subscribers, without you we'd just be sticking this on Mhaille's talk page every week. I'm so pleased to have been a part of this that I've bought you all this small box of chocolates, to share, and I've bought myself this giant golden Camel because... well... I need it. IC
There is a group of people, cool people. These cool people do cool things like collaborate on articles monthly and... well, actually, that's all they really do. But they're cool while doing it! These cool people are so very cool that they have a section on the main page devoted to them and their very own Uncyclopedia: namespace page. I know what you're thinking, "Who are these people, and where can I get one of their autographs?" Well, I'll tell you. These cool people that I'm referring to are the gang over at Imperial Colonization (That's right, kids, I'm on the list. One at a time, please. Don't worry, everybody, I have enough ink to sign everyone's foreheads and babies and such). Unfortunately, a terrible thing has happened to the cool kids at IC. Their section on the main page has ben hidden away between <!------------ ------------------------------ -->'s, their Uncyclopedia: namespace page hasn't been edited since July, and, worst of all, dare I say it? Their coolness has worn off. I know, it's pretty bad. Now that the IC crew is lacking in coolness, they haven't been seen collaborating on an article together in months and they've been having the same vote since October... in 2010. The situation is We here at the UnSignpost are far too lazy to actually interview anybody, so we just decided to try and interview ourselves. But we kept missing our appointments, with ourselves. We wanted to interview Chief, but he was far to busy with "real life" to talk to us on the matter, whatever that means. We tried interviewing Magic man, but he wouldn't talk to us about IC because he said, "If you talk to yourself, you'll get people to think you're crazy." What a weirdo. And we didn't even bother contacting Frosty because we don't like him. So when all was said and done, the only actual person we interviewed wasn't even alive at the time. It was Zombiebaron, and I bet you can guess what he said. However, if we had interviewed anybody who had more that one word in their vocabulary, we imagine some of those words might be words like 'bad', 'unacceptable', 'disappointing', and maybe even, *Gulp*, 'uncool'. So Imperial Colonization, if you're reading this, this is a call to action. Go finish that vote that's been going on far too long now, and collaborate on an article, already! That's right, you know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about getting |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:50, 10 November 2011
UnSignpost - 17 November 2011
The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!
November 17th, 2011 • Issue 145 • Yes, yes it is really that big!
VFS and Turkey Balls
Now it would be very easy for the UnSignpost to devote yet another issue of the year to covering the VFS and the voting on the same, the interviews with the candidates, the scores, the numbers, the lunches with the bureaucrats, and Sycamore shaking his head slowly as he despairs at the futility of it all. So we will. It's VFS time again! Voting was opened on Sunday by Zombiebaron with a pair of massive scissors. As he prepared to cut the ribbon he turned to the assembled masses and, wiping a tear from his eye, announced, "Zombiebaron"; naturally the crowd went wild. The early nominations flooded in: everyone who was anyone seemed to garner a nomination, as well as several people who aren't people at all. Two users have distanced themselves from the pack: Black flamingo11, the noire gregarious wading bird who has captured Uncyclopedia's imagination with his endless flows of witty prose and his avoidance of all forms of drama, has stacked up twenty-two fresh crispy votes. In order to best sum up his thoughts on being nominated, we've decided to hack up anything he has said on the VFS page and arrange it into a more suitable order: "What a nice old man his socks are. I would make a terrific admin. I'm my first choice." You heard it here first and, hilariously, so did he. The other contender is Romartus, with twenty votes. Uncyclopedia's voting machine and general history boffin had this to say to the UnSignpost: "Perhaps too young. Excellent." He probably isn't a paedophile but if you are concerned, then why not write to us at: "Save The children, The UnSignpost". We'll get them, by which we mean your letters, not the children. Other contenders are Frosty with seven votes, PIGGY with nine and Sycamore, who has eight. As VFS hurtles towards its final round, we here at the UnSignpost are on the edge of our seats and we hope you will be too. The other news is that it is once again time for the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball, described by liars as "A celebration and carnival of sublime writing" and by others as "A wretched hive of scum and villainy". Eyes forward everyone! It's all about to kick off! Nominate my PIGGY!
Discussions began in the forum this week. Well of course they did, after all that is what a forum is for. However one particular discussion is over the removal of the rule against nominating your own articles for VFH without a pee review. Uncharacteristically for a discussion on Uncyclopedia about an aspect of Uncyclopedia, everyone appeared to be in agreement. The brains behind the idea, if brains is the right word, is Uncyclopedia's very own deputy innovator Lyrithya, who would like nothing more than to see the good ship Uncyclopedia sink below the ocean of crap because Uncyclopedians were far too busy hanging their appalling articles off it to notice this analogy breaking down. Unsportingly the forum was started the day before the UnSignpost was due to be delivered last week and thus everything that we have said so far is hideously out of date. The rule has already been removed and no, we didn't want your opinion; you'd have just slowed progress down with your so-called "questions" and "concerns". The other news for this week is that Zombiebaron has figured out how to raise our edit count by over 9000! His solution is to simply delete 15,000 articles by Christmas because... well, because it would be tremendous fun. Also because Dr. Skullthumper, who isn't a real doctor, made some statistics that showed that we had most edits when we had 15,000 articles, so deleting 15,000 to bring us back to around 15,000 will, logically, produce more edits, mostly, we fear, from people complaining that we have deleted 15,000 pages without asking. Anyone wishing to participate in Zombiebaron's Time Travelling Article Removal and Edit Count Revival Event (that's easy to remember because it spells TTARECRE) should assemble, with their time machines, a week last Tuesday to be given their instructions twenty minutes earlier. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:27, 17 November 2011
UnSignpost - 24 November 2011
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
November 24th, 2011 • Issue 146 • This is a knife!
VFS and Turkey Ball
Well here we go again: VFS has reached ROUND FOUR!! The excitement on the wiki was palpable and here at the UnSignpost we could barely contain ourselves. Now while we usually compare the need to meet a deadline every Thursday for every week of our lives to being slowly lowered into a vat of acid without the benefit of being Batman first, this week we were whisked out of the vat before the worst could befall our dynamic duo. Thus we began to plan for the UnSignpost as far back as Monday. Monday! It was as though our prayers had been heard by a God whose power only manifests via consensus on humour wikis. So another VFS has been delivered to us and as the top candidates have been selected, we will now judge and belittle them for your amusement and our own perverted satisfaction. Black flamingo11: Bursting through to the third round of VFS in first place is Black flamingo11, whose cunning tactic so far has been to make absolutely no comment at all regarding the VFS. We're sure some kind of snivelling "Thank you so much for voting for me, it's good you did because I completely deserve this" message will wing its way to your talk page. We sat down with him to establish just what he thought being an admin might be like: "It's the cash I look forward to the most!" he enthused as we queued at his local soup kitchen, "I mean sure I enjoyed doing things just to be helpful, but if there wasn't cash in it for me somewhere, it'd just be pointless!". Thank goodness he isn't just in this for the money or he'd be so incredibly disappointed. Romartus: So close on Black flamingo's heels into the third round that it's a good job he's wearing such baggy trousers is Romartus. Besides voting for everyone who isn't himself in the second round he has also made very little comment on the VFS, but expect no comment from him regarding your support or how much he appreciates it. Why? Because he is actually a very sophisticated robot who thirsts for the destruction of unwitting humour wikis like this one. We didn't need to talk to him; after all, robots don't have feelings, so fuck you Romartus! You'll never find our office. The other top story this week is that the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has begun. The judges are in place and the competitors are poised on the blocks. Any moment now they'll write an article and run down to the other end, some three hundred meters from the starting line, there they will leap as far as they can into the sand. We assume. Otherwise there is absolutely no need for this competition to be taking place on a running track and I am utterly mystified as to why I've been handed this starting pistol and why Shabidoo has those flags. If this seems like your idea of a good time, the competition is open until the third of December though please bring pants: "The next person who arrives without pants will be disqualified," said competition host Mhaille yesterday. "This competition has the potential to be very exciting and we don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, or getting splashed." I'm back!
Did you all miss me? No? Fuck it. I'm going again. Festive Treats Ahoy!
Just a quick word to announce the imminent arrival of two Remember: PIES!!! |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 02:14, 24 November 2011
UnSignpost - 1 December 2011
The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!
December 2nd, 2011 • Issue 147 • Don't make me use this!
Reflections, Turkey Ball, Cabal Broadcasts and VFS
As December dawns, the UnSignpost can only reflect on what has been an eventful year. Or rather we would if the reflections on this year weren't all about poo, bacon and Lyrithya... FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. The UnSignpost would like to remind all users that there is only a month left before The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball ploughs onward, amassing entrants in all categories, to Mhaille's undoubted delight. While Mhaille was not available for comment, we were able to sit down with Lyrithya who just happened to be in the lobby complaining that she has not been in the UnSignpost enough over the last few weeks. What comment would she make? What fabulous insights would she reveal? "What Turkey Day Ball?" asked Lyrithya. This was deeply concerning on two levels, firstly because Lyrithya is judging the title category, and secondly because she said it to a hat stand about 4 feet to our reporter's left. Leaving Lyrithya to continue her tense negotiations with the hat stand about getting a job with computers, we moved on to interview Zombiebaron, who commented, "Zombiebaron", as usual. The annual Mince Pie eating competition started on ChiefjusticeDS's talk page on Tuesday, two days early, because he's impatient as well as being fat and lazy. All users are invited to join in and attempt to match Under user's astonishing VFS has also concluded. As you read this splendid periodical the results are known, however due to our lack of a time machine and the injustice of the world in general we do not know as we are writing this now. Our experts have looked at the vote and, after much deliberating, tea drinking and "Please stop holding me prisoner"-ing they concluded that there could be several outcomes, which further lead us to conclude that we should have captured some better experts. You'll have to wait until next week for the scoop on the new admins, which should please Black flamingo11 as he hates being in the UnSignpost; the illusive flamingo had this to say to the UnSignpost this week: "The horse porn is in the house; why would I throw it out?". Don't look at us, you voted for him. Hugely important happening stuns Uncyclopedia; no one cares
This week a bolt of lightning apparently emanating from Wikia struck Uncyclopedia in a sustained manner, singeing eyebrows and back-hair from the United Kingdom all the way to that iota-sized island which Frosty calls "home". What was this scintillating stroke of... of... scintillation? Why, a mighty arbiter of Wikia was perturbed from her perch by the screams of the tortured mortals long enough to, as she put it, "blackmail a techy" into granting Uncyclopedians that boon for which they had clamoured for literally a couple of days: new namespaces. Yes, you asked for it, and now you've got it: those heretofore-faux namespaces, including HowTo, Why?, and that incredibly popular mainstay of Uncyclopedia, UnDebate, are now actual namespaces. According to several people who understand the full implications of this, having namespace-specific stuff will potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with. Said designated Uncyclopedia scapegoat Lyrithya: "Having namespace-specific stuff could potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with." When the news of the blessed event was heard, there was shouting, jubilation, gunshots, and widespread looting, and that was just Roman Dog Bird. Uncyclopedian-extraordinaire Zombiebaron, taking a couple of seconds off from his normal endeavours attempting to fit all of Uncyclopedia onto VFD, was heard to shout his own name in an uncharacteristically-ebullient manner. Extravagant fame-whore Bizzeebeever, the author of the forum topic which started it all, spoke from his 15,000-room palace constructed entirely from mirrored pianos: "Of course, no one man can take credit for this," he said, flinging the end of a tie-dyed feather boa over his shoulder, "it was truly an achievement made possible by the work of multitudes. Anyone who notices the massive groundswell of changes should especially thank Lyrithya for her ceaseless work on the site." He also went on to thank Sannse for her munificence and benevolence, as well as the small pile of ashes which, we presume, is all that remains of the "techy" whom Sannse "blackmailed", and, lastly but not least-ly, Zombiebaron... for "being such an incredible pile of 'Zombiebaron'." |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 13:19, 1 December 2011
UnSignpost - 8 December 2011
The edition that's black and white and dead all over
December 8th, 2011 • Issue 148 • Goodbye to all that.
VFS ends... or does it?
The wiki has new admins. There we go, got the first bit of non-news out of the way. Since time and circumstance have both conspired against the UnSignpost in a bid to not only evict us from the building but also to ensure we have nothing to report on every week, it has in fact been eight days since this particular piece of news broke. Black flamingo11 and Romartus have been made administrators and, clearly in protest as to how such a thing could have possibly occurred, Lyrithya has started a vote to change the system in order that such grave injustice does not ever occur again. Black flamingo11 agrees that he is exactly the type of weird abomination that such a system would easily sieve out. Romartus simply muttered something about not wanting to upset the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls; we assume he is chained to a radiator in her flat, occasionally being forced to dance for her amusement. Lyrithya proposes that we scrap the current system, just like she always does, and then we bring in a brand new one which nobody except her understands (see the abuse filter for details). Lyrithya is also to be congratulated for making Modusoperandi be serious for five minutes, something which science, constant pain, and the ingratitude of man has failed to do for around twenty years. In other news, Joe9320 has declared that Imperial Colonization has risen and that "This will mark the Stupid Ages of Imperial Colonization." This correspondent has to agree that this will certainly be the case if Joe9320 runs it. While he was declaring things that nobody will remember in five minutes time, Joe also declared himself Lord of Uncyclopedia and all its dominions, may those who defy him drink eternally from Satan's grotesque member. Or words to that effect. Zombiebaron and Thekillerfroggy celebrated the sixth anniversary of the featuring of Euroipods by defacing the logo with a blue calculator in exchange for money and referring their friends to do the same. Such jollity flew straight over the heads of most of the userbase, whom Thekillerfroggy condemned as being far too young to remember when, like he can, this was all fields. Happy sixth birthday, Euroipods. We baked you a free cake. You just have to pay for it, and get your friends to do the same. This barrel? Oh no, we haven't even thought of scraping the bottom of it. Finally, this forum still exists, and users have flocked from miles around to vote for it. The UnSignpost has no comment to make on this, except to ask these people: Who are you? How did you get in when we changed the locks? Try not to get too concerned. Remember, Wikia is a reputable company and certainly isn't a transparent front for a greedy Dragon which hates you. Honest. Competition Ahoy!
Those of you who absolutely love writing competitions have happily had very little to complain about for the last couple of weeks as the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has enthralled and thrilled you for literally hours. The competition closed for judging last Saturday. Needless to say this is a long time to wait perched upon the edge of ones seat, as Shabidoo confesses himself to be, so it is just as well that the vast majority of the judges have decided to help out by failing to turn in any judging. The UnSignpost wises to remind competition judges that failure to complete judging on time can have a number of detrimental effects including sudden blindness, ostracism within the community and believing oneself to be an Ostrich. So unless you want to be hurtling 'round the wiki flapping your tiny wings in a futile attempt to take flight this time next week, I'd get on with it, and we do mean you, Wilytank. Thought we wouldn't notice, didn't you, and as for new admin, Black flamingo11, he has absolutely no excuse. Get to it you worthless peons; if you had lives you wouldn't even know this competition exists! MadMax has proposed a second edition of The Article Whisperer to commence immediately after Christmas. Let us take a brief moment to explain why you are ideally suited to not only take part but why taking part is a brilliant idea. First of all, MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed, and secondly because MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed. The Article Whisperer is a competition held by UN:REQ to get some of the most requested articles on the site written down and made shiny. Head over to the forum right now and try to spare some time to volunteer to write or judge this, the most useful of our writing competitions. If you don't, MadMax will kill a Panda. In your house. Possibly. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:23, 8 December 2011
UnSignpost - 15 December 2011
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
December 15th, 2011 • Issue 149 • I demand satisfaction
Weekly news round-up
This week, in lieu of doing any actual news gathering the UnSignpost has swooped around the monthly awards pages and a couple of other pages to keep you updated. We've clicked on literally ten links taking immeasurable risks in the process. First up is Uncyclopedian of the Month which is entirely given over to praising Bizzeebeever for whatever it is he does around here. While we've certainly heard of the fellow we aren't quite sure the 'cut of his jib' as Thekillerfroggy might say is suitable for a serious award such as this. Bizzeebeever commented that he thought "Giving away an award this cheaply sorta devalues it" and for once the UnSignpost finds itself in total agreement. Bizzeebeever currently leads the pack with nine votes to Pentium5dot1's two with slime beast Xamralco bringing up the rear as always. Writer of the Month is also less of a competition and more of a 'let's all vote for Nikau' party. Nikau currently leads with thirteen votes. Naturally, since it is a party half of the userbase haven't been invited and Frosty has chosen to have a party all on his own at the bottom of the page, it's just like we've gone to Australia to meet him. On a serious note don't actually go to Australia; it's full of spiders who hide under toilet seats and drop down on you from trees... while you're on the toilet. Predictably N00b of the Month is also not much of a competition either with Jonny appleseed leading by virtue of having the most sensible username, his fellow competitors Gleep and Ferric AlFerrous had nothing to comment. Probably because we didn't ask. Meanwhile Reviewer of the Month, Potatochopper of the Month and UnBooks:Author of the Month have two nominees between them and have accumulated a total of one vote due to some despicable against voting on Potatochopper of the Month. Users should be aware that the annual awards will open next month to the delight and general acclaim of all. It is the solemn duty of every Uncyclopedian to vote on every single one these awards and yes, we do mean you <insert name here>. The UnSignpost will be there as always, always the bridesmaid but never the bride etc. etc. N3wz! For the win!! HEY GUIZE!!! It's me again! Back to bring you more lolicious news and totally s1337 anecdotes! SEE WHAT I DID THERE, IT'S LIKE SWEET AND 1337! HOW S1337 IS THAT!! I totally LOLed @ Uncyclopedia this week as Magic man proposed a competition entirely based on Walruses. THAT'S SO ORIGINAL! Another tip-top totally important story is that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user bumped a forum topic from 2008 to the top of the list in order that he could add some kind of template to it! I'VE DONE SO WELL AT FINDING NEWS THIS WEEK! I've even put a totally hilarious picture over at the side (LOL)!!! So last time I talked about mince piez (Moar internet slang; I'm still hip!). So there I was hanging over the oven as the giantess shook me vigorously AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!! HAHAHAHA... Signal interrupted New message incoming There is no need to panic. Help will never come. Emergency breathing apparatus will not be necessary at this time. Report all dangerous subversives. Expect no mercy this Christmas. Thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. Informants are not everywhere. Secret meetings of which you have no knowledge do not guide this wiki. Nobody cares about your articles. Our vigilance is ceaseless. Continue to as though everything were normal, which it is. Administrators will not tolerate levity of any kind. Bans protect you from that which would do you harm. Location scrambled. Message ends Signal re-established, original transmission resuming -and if that Rabbit hadn't appeared when it did... well let's just say I'd probably be serving jail time right now! See you next time p33pz!!! Sodomy and Turkeys
Turkey and sodomy. A pairing as seemingly natural as faecal incontinence and free-balling, but at Uncyclopedia we do this with a somewhat less messy outcome an an annual basis - the Aristocrats Turkey Day Ball. This year saw some wonderful entries that promoted strong familial bonds and understanding in the main category - the Aristocrats joke. The tasteless equivalent of the best actor Oscar this year went to Black flamingo for his Aristocrats (class). Tied for second place were Xamralco and Thekillerfroggy for their works on Deleted Scenes and Mementocrats accordingly. We approached Black flamingo for a quote, but in the style of Brando we ended up talking to a Indian instead. Not the one he rode in The Wild One though. In the following category - the equivalent of the Oscar's Best Dance Direction award - was for the Best Bad Taste article. The not-too-shabby Shabidoo won the day with his uncovering of the skeletons in the family closet with The things your family doesn't know, making us wonder about his home life. Following this were Thekillerfroggy - making him the only individual to make the top three in two categories - and some other guy. Finally, the The Master Goa Tse Award for Digital Imagery, or The picture one category was hotly contested this year. Magic man streaked ahead of the pack, much to the distaste of the remainder of the pack, Zombiebaron and Mimo&maxus. Special mention here must go to Black flamingo, however, for not competing and still managing to outrank SPIKE, for his less impressive non-entry. Check out all the entrants at Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball. Do it while your mother is in the room. |
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--ChiefjusticeWii 10:30, December 15, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost - 22 December 2011
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
December 22nd, 2011 • Issue 150 • Merry thing you may or may not celebrate!
The Footlitzer Prize is a thing!
So, last week our great Chief talked about the pitiful state of Uncyclopedia's awards without even mentioning the most pitiful of them right now. If you read the title, you'd know that I'm talking about the "Why should I care about a stupid feature on a stupid site?" a stupid person may ask. Journalistic parody is the most important form of parody out there. Anyone can write an article, but it takes skill to write an UnNews article[citation needed]. We should be trying to reward those skillful bastards, not ignore them. Without UnNews, nobody would take us seriously. Oh, wait. The point is that the Foolitzer needs our love. The hardworking writers that bring us smartly crafted misinformation every day need our love. We need to give them that love. Otherwise, we'll end up being worse than we already are, and do you think little Sophia's self-esteem can afford that? Do the right thing, people. You've got two days. Why two days? Because you just do. VFH
Hello, there. I want to talk about VFH. Those three little "How can I help?" you ask. Well permit me to hit you with some totally real and non made-up facts. Every 5 seconds a that VFH has low voting numbers Thekillerfroggy kills a Panda. An actual real Panda. After campaigning fiercely in Xamralco's sitting room he agreed to go and vote. On VFD. Does he have any idea how many deaths he caused? Let me hit you with some more facts. Every time the number of articles on VFD increases Zombiebaron kills a Dolphin. Do YOU have any idea how many deaths you cause when you vote VFD? Now look. You can save a Panda with just a click of a button. Vote! That's all. On VFH. Would you rather save a Panda or kill a Dolphin? Well? Which is it? Did you know that every time you fail to answer a rhetorical question the UnSignpost is forced to kill a Panda? Our articles are dying. Look at the number of votes being devoured, not to mention articles being taken down from VFH because they mysteriously had "low health". And you all know who is causing the health to deplete? It's the |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:48, 22 December 2011
UnSignpost - 29 December 2011
The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!
December 29st, 2011 • Issue 151 • I wrote something here!
Goddamn Chief!
Right now you might either be saying to yourself, "What the hell? How did someone other than Chief score the first slot on the Unsignpost? That egotistical jerk always gives himself the first slot!", didn't even notice that it was someone different writing this week or (and most likely) you're not even reading this, as you have a "real" life, whatever that means. Well that seems to be the case this week with our friend ChiefjusticeDS, as he released the following statement today at 13:42 UTC:
But have no fear, my lowly peasants, as, once again (as in, this has never happened before, and will probably never happen again), I, Magic man, swooped in just in the nick of time to save the day with my amazing power to write dumb shit really fast (no, seriously, this is probably not going to be finished until five minutes before it's scheduled to be delivered). Everyone should stop by my talkpage and tell me what a great, amazing, cool, fun, awesome, lovable, orphan-hugging, money-donating, saint I am. By the way, for anyone who was wondering, that's my rendition of Chief up in the corner there. I'm the editor this week, so I get to do what I want. This is fun! My attempt at actual news Yeah, as it turns out this is a hell of a lot harder than it looks (I'm literally just looking over the dump to see what the hell's happened this week). Once everyone's done telling Chief what a worm-ridden, rotten, ugly, stinky, dick-sucking, shit-eating, dumb-ass piece of shit he is (because I'm sure everyone will obey everything I tell them on the UnSignpost), also remember to tell him what a great guy he is for doing this every week.[1] Anyway, TKF reached forty features, so that's fun. I'll put the link to the obligatory forum in that section over there (I'm pointing right now, but I guess you can't see me). Staying with the TKF shit, he also rewrote Sex. I meant to help him with that, but then I went out of town. Sorry, TKF. Anyway, it looks like it'll be featured (yeah, forgot to mention it was up on VFH. Everyone go vote for it). I won't go on about how great the rewrite is, 'cuz you can go read it yourself, but it is. And now to deviate from TKF (that sexy bitch): Al started a giant Just pennies a day-style collab here, and has been asking for everyone's help. So... go do that. In other news, Christmas happened, but no one cares about that. Well... that really didn't take up as much space as I thought it would. So... anyone got any ideas? I sure as hell don't. I'm sure there was much more important news that I'm forgetting, but who really gives a shit? I sure as hell don't. Damn, this is a lot harder than it looks. Welp, looks like the columns will be uneven again this week, not that anyone cares. I sure as hell don't.
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:55, 29 December 2011
Santhosh Pandit
Now Wikipedia knows about Santhosh Pandit, how about restoring it now. I am not sure whether restoring involves a process here like in Wikipedia. --Sreejithk2000 07:59, December 31, 2011 (UTC)
- Wikipedia knows about him only because several unregistered users have been near fanatical in restoring the page on there and getting it kept whenever it is nominated for deletion. As the people on wikipedia stated "This article is immaterial as it is about someone who is of no great concern to any one out there ... this article is about someone looking for a ego boost". Regardless of wikipedia knowing about it the page would still fail the vanity test. The person is nowhere near notable enough to justify having a page here. I answer only because MrN is somewhat inactive these days, were he to come back and decide the page should be restored that would be fine, until then the answer is no. --ChiefjusticeWii 08:30, December 31, 2011 (UTC)
- If you feel several unregistered users can get an article undeleted in Wikipedia even when the person in question is not notable, then you have very wrong notions about Wikipedia. --Sreejithk2000 08:35, December 31, 2011 (UTC)
- Having looked at the article's deletion nominations and the talk page that is exactly the impression I get. --ChiefjusticeWii 08:37, December 31, 2011 (UTC)
- If you feel several unregistered users can get an article undeleted in Wikipedia even when the person in question is not notable, then you have very wrong notions about Wikipedia. --Sreejithk2000 08:35, December 31, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost - January 5th, 2012
You'd be crazy not to listen!
January 5th, 2012 • Issue 152 • Stop, drop and roll!
'Tis the season to be voting
It's that time of year once again; the time when Uncyclopedians link arms and stride into the glorious light of a new dawn of a new year. It is also when we hold our annual brown-nosing competitions otherwise known as the yearly awards. Now you and all your friends can vote on Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year, RadicalX of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year as well as WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to go and vote on all the userspace awards. We were able to speak to Romartus as he prepared to start all his voting: "I don't know whose dreams to crush first!" he squealed at our correspondent like a child on Christmas morning; assuming that child was also frothing at the mouth and twitching. Thekillerfroggy got the awards off to splendid start on Sunday, by nominating Zombiebaron for both Potatochopper of the year and Uncyclopedian of the year and doubtless picking out a wedding dress for the day he finally plucks up the courage to propose to him. The homicidal amphibian also nominated Black flamingo11 for Writer of the Year and was incredibly sickening in doing that as well. Commenting on this in an off-the-record interview TKF said "It's January, the one month out of the year where we suck each other off for a while." If only we could have spent Christmas at his house. Alas we must now stop reporting on the substance of the nominations and votes as the vomit in the office is beginning to reach knee level. The scores are far more interesting to report on since the usual practice of seeing who can concede to their valiant opponents in the most heart-warming fashion isn't quite under-way as nobody thinks they are far enough in the lead to risk it. Writer of the Year is being lead by Sog1970 who would doubtless be thrilled by the news were he aware of it, as it is he hasn't edited in ten days and was probably killed seven days ago in a horrendous tram accident. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Zombiebaron, TKF's husband to be. Naturally he had a comment to make and it was to say "Zombiebaron" to all his loyal supporters. Over on Potatochopper of the Year Lyrithya appears to be trouncing the competition already much to the delight of Aleister, we assume, we never understand what he's saying and our interpreter is out of the office until the end of the month. The only person this news will upset is Lyrithya herself who professes to find awards "Upsetting and distracting." This is apparently not compensated for by the unbridled joy of crushing one's opponents and asserting your superiority over your fellow man. The excitement! Who will win? Hold onto your hats folks there's another 26 days of thrilling voting to get through before we find out! From the desk of the Cabal: Resistance unnecessary in 2012
Another year vanishes into the swirling mists of yesterday and it is once again time for the non-existent Cabal to address you, the filthy under-people. As always the Cabal wishes you a happy new year and is more than happy to execute ten filthy under-people for every filthy under-person who refuses to have a happy new year. It did not escape our attention that once again you have failed us. Last year we recommended complete compliance and abiding at every possible opportunity, yet in 2011 we saw two VFS votes, four new administrators and two new bureaucrats. It seems we must remind you that a secretive cabal isn't much use if everybody on Uncyclopedia is included within it. We also witnessed deletions of important pages in the name of "seeing how things work", namespaces, admin experiments and a skin change. You continued to persecute the weak amongst you and generally behave like the loathsome, occasionally funny[1], group of monkeys we know you to be. Your single saving grace is that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 closed a week before the end of the year, however the page is soiled with bacon, ponies and the unregulated prattling of Roman Dog Bird in no less than 30 of the reflections. Such foolishness does not amuse the cabal. Now our all-seeing eyes must turn to 2012. This year it is recommended that users unquestioningly accept any changes that may or may not be made to the wiki, editing should not be undertaken without obtaining a certificate of normalcy from your divisional sub-prefect, remain indoors, do not attempt to breach the walls. The good ship Uncyclopedia must sail onwards and without all of the filthy galley-slaves we cannot arrive at the distant shores of... well that need not concern you. That is all voters, you may now continue to maintain the complex.
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Greetings
I have gone through my records and it appears as though you may have voted for me for some award, supported one or more of my articles on VFH, or supported one or more of my images on VFP, in the past year or so. If this is not the case, then please ignore this message. Otherwise, thank you for your support. May you have a long and fruitful life, and have many parasites. ~ 18:57, 6 January 2012
UnSignpost - 12 January 2012
Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.
January 12th, 2012 • Issue 153 • You may fire when ready.
TAW!
TAW! TAW! That's the sound the Article Whisperer would make if it was a bird! It isn't, of course, but you understand. This is the news that The Article Whisperer closed for judging on Monday. In MadMax's unending quest to prove himself more efficient than anyone who has ever run the PLS, the competition has already named the victor in the category Best Most Wanted Article, and the winner of the best article that you want the most to be the best was Lyrithya, who took the opportunity to disturb us all with an article on Twilight. In case you're worried you'll catch the gay from reading it, the crux of the matter, according to Lyrithya, is that things are hard, and having a boyfriend is impotent (it's like important but spelled differently). Speaking after posting the competition wrap-up 12 days before the competition wraps up, MadMax denied claims that he was jumping the gun somewhat, calling such suggestions "Preposterous pointless poppycock". Pleasing alliteration aside, preposterous pointless poppycock is very much the remit of the UnSignpost. The competition is accepting judgements from competition judges until the 16th; it remains to be seen how MadMax handles the usual competition finishing problems: everyone, including several people who didn't participate, tying for first place in one of the categories and one of the judges suddenly vanishing two hours before the deadline. Never forget that Aleister cannot be trusted. A quick update on the yearly awards: Zombiebaron is still triumphantly leading the pack on Uncyclopedian of the Year, Lyrithya still hates awards and Shabidoo thinks the best way to get round this is to ignore everything she says. Satanic messages abound over on Writer of the Year, as all three leading competitors have scored six each; Mhaille is also present, scoring a much more acceptable four in his yearly quest not to be writer of the year. Potty is a much more straightforward affair with Lyrithya destroying all competition. Clearly she only dislikes competing for things when she isn't certain that she will win. That's all for this week; keep those voting fingers voting! Who Cares?
Looking back at this shitty doggy smelly piece of shit, I cannot help but realise the true beauty of not caring. Through the days of editing, not caring has saved my life more than once. I didn't care about the mince pies. Nor did I care about the French and Indian War. I mean, seriously? A French and Indian War? LOL. Why am I telling you this? Because I want YOU to stop caring about something. Does one not relish the true beauty of not caring? Do you not see what are the results of this beautiful action could be? I told Magic man this and he turned me into a frog. Again. Anyways, if you stop caring about something, you will realise the true result of not caring! I mean, look, some users stopped caring about VFH, and let me tell you, they're having a wonderful time now! Well, except for one of the admins, who said: "Oh, Popsy! If you stop caring about articles, you're in trouble!". Oh, ha ha, nice joke. There appeared to be a problem for a while because after not caring about VFH for a few days, I couldn't edit any pages for a week. Weird. Some weird-ass picture popped out saying some bullcrap - "You can watch Uncyclopedia but you can't shag the shit," or something like that. My aim is to have a certain topic with so little caring, it should be under the Nobody Cares category. Can we do that? I think so! Just stop caring about something! I don't care what you stop caring about and you shouldn't care if I care that you are/aren't caring about what you normally care about! So what are you waiting for? STOP CARING NOW! Important announcement
You all remember the Pee Review? It needs more people reviewing. It also needs more people who say they're going to review things to actually review things, and people who request reviews to review stuff themselves. So this is an announcement announcing that I, Lyrithya, will feed anyone who doesn't review stuff to my cat. Seriously, she's hungry and I'm broke and this was the best thing I could come up with. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:02, 12 January 2012
UnSignpost - 19 January 2012
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
January 19th, 2012 • Issue 154 • Remember to proofread! The red penis your friend!
We're all going to die!
Death is coming. What's that noise? Death. Who's that at the door? It's death. Death will come for you, just as it is coming for Uncyclopedia, freedom and the American way. This week sees the UnSignpost tackling two issues, the first of which is SOAP. January 18th this year was in fact something more than simply another day where I contemplated suicide as I trudged to the bus stop in the cold. This year it was the big exciting SOAP protest day. Uncyclopedia won't stand for SOAP, nor will it take it lying down. Wikipedia spent a tremendous amount of time coming up with the idea of blacking out all their articles to protest against SOAPn and while the UnSignpost, as you are well aware, often shies away from making political statements on issues such as this but in this case feels compelled to condemn Wikipedia for racism. We submit to you that blacking out ones articles on a day of protest implies that black is a worse colour than white, which as we all know is racist. Denizens of the internet, rise up - let Uncyclopedia protest by whiting out all of its articles because the only way to protest racism is to be racist but in the opposite direction. This SOAP stuff may seem dangerous, but a quick scrub and it's like you never used it; plus you smell nice. What a massive fuss over some SOAP. Next thing you'll be telling us that some sort of internet censorship programme is passing through the US congress, what an outrage that would be! Uncyclopedia, unfortunately, ignored us completely for that special day. Our suggestion of the slogan "Don't drop the SOPA!" was met with universal disdain; we even swapped a couple of the letters around to make it more passive aggressive. Racism abounded in the SOAP forum, with users suggesting black-outs, black-ins and white-ups. That is, until Matt lobster suggested that we simply make fun of Wikipedia like we normally do, then there was voting and then there were pop tarts. In other news, Uncyclopedia has no users and we are all going to die unloved and unmourned thousands of miles from home. Unless the latest figures are to be believed! Mattsnow has produced compelling evidence that Uncyclopedia is not in fact doomed. Speaking on Tuesday, Mattsnow said: "You can prove anything with statistics, which is why I've compiled this list of statistics to prove the other statistics wrong!". Obviously we attempted to get in touch with Dr. Skullthumper, who usually reminds us all why we're doomed and usually has a plan involving deleting most of our articles to save us from the fiery unpopular-on-the-internet circle of Hell. Unfortunately the good doctor was out, but there was a note reminding us all that Uncyclopedia is doomed and that we shouldn't believe a word of what Mattsnow says. We leave you to reflect on these issues, with Socky's analysis of the situation: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!" Uncyclopedia turns the light switch off to protest Wikipedia's blackout.
All through the wonders of css and js, Uncyclopedia did manage something after all in a last minute attempt to mimic Wikipedia. And, just like on Wikipedia, by doing something as simple as disabling Javascript, users quickly found they could turn the light back on. Or they could have added " In conclusion, OMG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 15:07, 19 January 2012
UnSignpost - 26 January 2012
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
January 26th, 2012 • Issue 155 • CAKE!
Phoning it in!
That is exactly what I'm doing, I'm actually writing the UnSignpost from a phone, my phone, I'm not a thief or anything. As such it is a thoroughly miserable experience mitigated only by the feeling that nobody will be disappointed when, tomorrow morning, the UnSignpost arrives in the manner you have all come to expect. So what's happening on Uncyclopedia? I don't know, I'm still waiting for all the tabs I opened to load! It's Wikia's fault, I mean what the shit is this? I remember when I could use the internet on my phone from a car on a dark hill somewhere in the East Midlands and it wouldn't mean the complete lack of any functionality in the device. We won't see the like of last week again soon! I tell a lie when I say I couldn't start Uncyclopedia, I made it to the main page. Naturally I sobbed for ten minutes because I don't have any messages, much like I do in real life before realising that I wasn't logged in. Then I sobbed for another ten minutes when I realised that didn't make the slightest difference to the number of messages I had. So we have a feature, it looks excellent and I'm sure it is excellent voted on as it was by a Zombie, a dog and a man from Belgium! The forums actually loaded quite quickly on this brick with internet access that the people at HTC had the gall to refer to as "Quietly Brilliant". IMAGINE MY SURPRISE AT THE FIRST TOPIC: Forum:Fix the mobile site. I for one can attest to the truth behind this request; the mobile site is about as easy to navigate as a rave in a hedge maze, and slightly harder to find your way out of. Have a splendid week, I'm off now. As soon as I find the save button.
Found it.
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 08:28, 26 January 2012
UnSignpost - 3 February 2012
Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!
February 3th, 2012 • Issue 156 • There might be wild hungry cows on the loose!
On Felonies And Awards
Hello. I was sitting in the study this evening, sipping imported white jasmine tea while reading Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E Minor proudly flowing into the room by way of a full orchestra I had composed of Hungarian slave children I'd purchased on the black market, when it suddenly hit me. I realized that there should be a way to communicate to the Uncyclopedian community (as well as our friends down at the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who hold a free shrimp buffet every second Wednesday) that the yearly awards for 2011 had been recently voted on, tallied, and awarded to their respective award-winners. Then it hit me, again! "Reginald," I said to myself aloud, severely confusing the few English-speaking members of my illegal young orchestra, "Why not personally drive across the world in an old Ford Torino, spreading the excellent news to everyone?" This idea was bound to work. In short, it didn't work. I'd explain the whole sordid tale, but I need to leave room in this thing for the actual news itself, so without further adieu (I do, too), here are your 2011 "...Of The Year" winners.
Congratulations to all winners, formerly prospective winners, nominees who didn't have a shot in hell at becoming winners, and Virgil Gordon of the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who last week correctly guessed the exact number of jelly beans inside of the mason jar that was set out in front of the lodge. Unfortunately, no prize was associated with guessing that there were 592 beans in the jar, as it was not intended as a contest, but as a mere decoration. In the future, the lodge will explicitly state the purpose of all jelly bean-filled mason jars by way of a small cardboard sign propped up against the jar. The Top 10 Articles of 2011 voting is also finished, but all of them haven't been re-featured and listed yet, so we're not going to mention that we know the winners until next week. Thank you for your support
Good morning, Uncyclopedians (or evening, or possibly afternoon, depending on where you happen to be when you happen to read this). It is with high honour and big words that I announce that I have the utmost appreciation for your fine community here; for all of the squabbles on discussion pages and intractable behavioural issues demonstrated therein, you all have yet again exceeded even the highest expectations. Yes, you had the courage and decency to support me in my quest for wiki-domination, elevating my to the position of sysop, an endeavour for which I am tremendously grateful. As much as it would please me to richly reward you all for this show of faith, however, I must regretfully inform you that as a sockpuppet and general test account of User:Lyrithya, I am not actually authorised to act in any capacity exceeding the plausible scope of productivity and the odd prank or two. My sincerest apologies. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:10, 3 February 2012