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Thanks! I’m gonna enjoy this. More toasters please (talk) 15:01, 11 February 2025 (UTC)
This entire time I thought when you put cats in your edit summary every time[edit source]
(the one alula sent) I actually bookmarked that image so I can add it to the pool of randomly selected cat images later. — L10nM4st3rROAR at me! / What my paws scratched 22:29, 1 May 2025 (UTC)
Here's another cat image to the pile :3c 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 22:31, 1 May 2025 (UTC)
@alula: @OPOSSUM: well technically I don't "have" them. They just appeared on my country house a long time ago (when I was still a kid) and my mother started feeding them. And they've been with my family since then. We've already had like 3 or 4 generations of cat in our country house, and we're still going to have yet another generation be born on our house. 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 23:00, 1 May 2025 (UTC)
@OPOSSUM: I'm not a cat fan, my mother is. Although I do like to pet the cats -well, those that let me, at least. Also, L10nM4st3r, I should ban you again just for making that joke. 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 23:34, 1 May 2025 (UTC)
Fellow extended confirmed user, you are now drafted into...
🎖️YOU HAVE BEEN DRAFTED🎖️
into the elite forces of the
ASBOLAAT LITERARY LEGION
MISSION: Write a few glorious lines(following the rules, of course) to shape the fate of a chaotic epic.
Your words may doom the world, summon a new god, or just give WAR another heart attack.
📜 To enlist: go to The Grand ASBOLAAT Story and add ONE LINE to the end. Then, wait for your next turn, and write another.
🎯 Do NOT edit others' lines. Do NOT write a banana. Do NOT back away from KALKUTNIDAK.
💥 Do it for glory. Do it for Coffi. Do it because KALKUTNIDAK must never win.
⚔️ JOIN THE STORY WAR ⚔️
Failure to comply will result in eternal narratological confusion.
I don't know, but it might be the article getting edited too fast. Also, will you ever create an account? --More toasters please (talk) 00:54, 18 July 2025 (UTC)
I have an article ready to fire, should i send it out and get somebody to put it in a template?
EDIT: Seeing the edit summary in ASBOLAAT, I think there should be independent articles for each person, as well as a central article on The Gang.
--2601:18A:8082:BAB0:BC44:15DA:EF9A:438D (talk) 12:45, 18 July 2025 (UTC)
I've seen you've edited the page specifically written by ME. Don't worry, tho. I'll give you another chance to contribute. But remember; it's one idea at a time, not just a word. Also, have fun too (that's the last rule on the rulesheet.) My face is beautiful, so is the rest of me!
Ok thanks, I was a bit confused about the rules. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 21:30, 8 August 2025 (UTC)
Congratulations. You've been inducted into the Empire.[edit source]
thank you, fish sticks, for solving world peace. by the way, thank you for reminding me of that one page that references ASBOBAAT in mitk. gergdown, eh (talk) 23:20, 10 August 2025 (UTC)
You're welcome, gerg up. Why have purple Canada when you can have rainbow moccasins? --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 23:22, 10 August 2025 (UTC)
Do you play Java or Bedrock or both? I play both but make my videos on Java and find Bedrock much easier for multiplayer. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 19:45, 31 August 2025 (UTC)
Bedrock, and I'm building an entire city on that world. I'm on The Hive right now. Turb0-Sunrise(Yell at me) 19:48, 31 August 2025 (UTC)
the text is not whiter than my family 168.11.96.2 (talk) 11:46, 10 September 2025 (UTC)
Oh yeah, cause y'all sued it for copyright infringement so there needed to be a different shade of white for Template:Eldritch Zone. Now it makes sense. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 15:19, 10 September 2025 (UTC)
The UnSignpost has yet again been necromanced. This time, it's by some dickbag nobody cares about. And now, a recap of the past 2 years! The ASBOxAAT Series starts, explodes in popularity, gets vandalized, and a few get deleted. We also somehow manage to make a "Worst 100 Reflections" article two years in a row, for the first time in a decade. Hey, that's when the last good UnSignpost came out!
In a shocking turn of events, the Kansas City Chiefs Are 0-2 at the time of writing. Looks like Taylor Swift got engaged to the whole team. Yes, that means the 2-Super-Bowl-in-a-row-team-that-did-it-without-cheating[citation needed] is now on par with the Detroit Lions. Who are somehow 1-1 against Green Bay and Chicago. Actually, that makes a lot of sense for ANY OTHER TEAM EVER.
Biopic
The OPOSSUM (Didelphis vespertilio futuere insanum) is a species of opossums native to southern California. It is remarkably smarter[citation needed] than other species of opossums, averaging at the intelligence of an adult corvid. It has recently found itself at the center of an enviromental crisis as they were "accidentally" introduced to Oregon a couple of years ago, from which they spread throughout the remainder of the North American west coast at an alarming pace, threatening to destroy tons of ecosystems not accustomed to their Bat Fuck Insane hivemind tactics.
...this is how you write a biopic, right? I'm just gonna assume that the answer is "yes".
From The Logs
16 September 2025: DaniPine3 blocked SRN01 with an expiration time of infinite (account creation disabled, email disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (Wanker: i am neurodivergent please tolerate my ban)
DaniPine3 huffed page File:Tuff diddy blud mango those who know 67 41 phonk listener effoc adrian .png (huh, it's not as interesting as I expected... it's just a scary trollface... kinda dissapointed ngl)
The UnSignpost is now run by LaziBums (just not the LaziBum). We apologize for the loss of any semblance of quality that might or might've not existed beforehand.
Permission to fire up the Pwnzor 5000? Turb0-Sunrise(Yell at me) 15:19, 18 September 2025 (UTC)
Another: One of the rune words in the enchanting interface is "xyzzy." Turb0-Sunrise(Yell at me) 15:37, 19 September 2025 (UTC)
I just checked the Minecraft wiki and it's true. The encyclopedia is now slightly less content-free. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 19:01, 19 September 2025 (UTC)
You use that laggy hellhole too? nice. Turb0-Sunrise(Yell at me) 19:33, 19 September 2025 (UTC)
That page was-- YA LEMON FACE! MAYBE YOU SHOULD GRADUATE PRESCHOOL BEFORE YOU DRIVE THAT HUNK OF JUNK! As I was saying, it was a pretty fun read. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 14:41, 30 September 2025 (UTC)
The UnSignpost rises! Then falls to smash you.[edit source]
Man, Nebraska sucks. Think about it. They provide nothing but milk, and I can go get milk at home anyways or something. Wait... no I can't. Point is, there's other sources of cow milk or whatever. And besides, other people can make milk too! Not to mention Kansas or South Dakota, who could all easily make more milk than Nebraska if we just sink Nebraska into the sea and move all of Nebraska's population into the other states. Fuck Nebraska!
In a shocking twist of events, the UnSignpost's monopoly on bullshit news is under a nonexistent threat. Theultimategergdown's "Gerg's Shitroom" is "a shittier version of the UnSignpost" that only he can edit. I smell perverted bullshittery! To be fair, I don't have a great sense of smell. Fuck you. Also, what's with this weird line? Yeah, that one. On the right. Other right, retard!
As Hurricane Humberto becomes the latest Cabo Verde swing-and-miss, Tropical Storm Imelda brews north of the Bahamas. Forecast to begin affecting Bermuda as a hurricane this afternoon.
As of earlier this morning, Alula has opened up VFS. Let the shitstorm begin. RealDonaldTrump has jumped out to an early lead.
Biopic
The Olula is a Frankenstein-esque monster created by duct-taping the head of an Alula to the body of an OPOSSUM. The brain power of an Olula is very weak, as they only know hot to say one phrase, "“HIPPITY HOPPITY SHMIPPITY SHMOPPITY PIPPITY POPPITY FLIPPITY FLOPPITY SCRIPPITY SCROP-" OH GOD GET THE CUCUMBERS!
The once banned user has now returned! That's right! The once six-month-long-banned user TropicalPanther has now returned to Uncyclopedia as their ban has expired! In Forum:Last person to edit wins, we were all chanting down the countdown of Panther's ban date expiring.
TropicalPanther will have to deal with the new Uncyclopedian ecosystem which has changed over the six months that the user has been gone from, with the rise of the Red Sox worshipper[note 1]Turb0-Sunrise, and the rise and fall of several of the new users who edited the ASBOWAAT series. This can easily be seen in the students section of the University of Moccasinia, where several users have opted to join the University, without knowing that the creator was banned.
But whenever Panther has opted to open a new beginning, reflecting on his failures, and improving on them, or he'll end up banned again, only time will tell.
The Sequel to UnNotPron, "Rooms"But nobody cared. The sequel to UnNotPron is out in a Pre-Pre-Pre-Post-Pre-Alpha state! As of the time of writing this issue, it currently sits with two puzzles. With the creator opting for Rooms to be "...greater. ...better. This [game] won't be a puzzle only I will know. This [game] won't be [only] cipher spam. I want every puzzle here to be unique in their own ways." You should go play it! Please, I—well, I invested all my money into FTX thinking it was a good investment. But then I couldn't take my money out because I was knocked unconscious by a pigeon, and now I've lost it all. P—please. Play it here.
Turb0-Sunrise soon to be on the Hall of Shame (for real this time)... Damn.
Vancouverite Sojourn?I'm still working on it... But it's as real as silkson—wait, that's out.
Fish I need help writing an article about a random Scottish band no one has heard of and I cant get the info box thing to work please help. it's Biffy Clyro. Deemox (talk) 19:51, 27 January 2026 (UTC)
how did you somehow put the topic in the wrong place --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 19:56, 27 January 2026 (UTC)
Nobody liked Theultimategergdown as a username. Be honest. Gergdown, formally Theultimategergdown, has now changed their username to Ger—
...okay, I can't write about myself in third person. That sounds absurdly wrong.
So instead of writing it in a third-person perspective, here is the entire history of my username.
"Theultimategergdown" isn't my usual username. The username I usually choose is "Raisinbrainguy".
Side-note: I actually have a sock puppet called Deltaruler. The Deltarune forshadowing was insane. Side-note over.
The reason why I called my username "Theultimategergdown" is actually... really complicated. Practically, back in the ages that I made Roblox experiences (god, that feels wrong to say), there was this Roblox experience I worked on called "Find the Gregs". One of the Gregs there was called "Gerg". Find the Gregs was a puzzle experience, which may seem unimportant to the story, but actually, if you look at the earliest version of my userpage, it said I was here for a puzzle. One of the Gregs had a puzzle where you had to look at pages, and look at their history to find the answer. (Which, I did try doing on Wikipedia first, but that would take too much work.) And for the puzzle, I created the atomic elements pages such as Yttrium, Cerium, Samarium, Nihonium, and Terbium for the puzzle, and after my Uncyclopedian addiction started, I also made Ytterbium and Lawrencium. And so, thus, I created Theultimategergdown, which is now Gergdown.
Well, we can finally say, Theultimategergdown is now The-un-ultimate Gergdown.
Video Essay ArticleUhm... That's right. I'm writing an article. You can see it here. I think it might be my favourite article so far.
Political Statement... Due to advice from my lawyers, I am legally required to not put a statement here.
ColonelKurtz gets banned for the third-fourth-whatevereth time
Real As Panther gets unbanned, ColonelKurtz gets banned. These events are completely unrelated—but both joined at about the same time, both had some involvment in the ASBOWAAT series, and both have been banned several times. Are ColonelKurtz and TropicalPanther the same person?
The world is shaken once more... It hasn't been long since TropicalPanther has had their ban expired—but recently, they've taken the chance by creating something the world did not need—another competitor to the UnSignpost. But unlike UnSignpost which has recently been flooded with Bostonian propaganda[Citation not needed at all, thank you very much], or Gerg's Shitroom which acts like some form of juxtaposition, being both a blog and a somewhat-"reliable"[citation needed][note 1] newspaper, The New Tropical Times has done something no-one else has done before: Create random funny bullshit. Their first story is about themselves causing a chemical reaction between Tennessine with Hydrogen Peroxide, which caused the explosion of their waffles. I said it was funny, while Turb0-Sunrise seemed to have a deadly stroke after this revelation, and rushed to write an issue about it. But depending on whatever you think about the whole incident—a new competitor to the UnSignpost is here, and you can view The New Tropical Times here.
Well, there's one issue with this story. I ran the issue through several AI detectors, and well—it stated that it was highly likely that that issue story was written by an AI.
ZeroGPT said that that issue was 75% AI generated, Quillbot said (I should add, with medium[note 2] confidence) it was 84% AI generated, and GPTZero said the whole issue was AI-generated.
Although we are still verifying the legitimacy of AI Detectors to this date, I should mention that Panther has had a somewhat-continuous record of making AI—generatedarticles, so perhaps this issue was indeed AI-generated. Only time will tell.
Gergdown makes a bop
Nobody cares. Man... y'know... the bop here, y'know, it's so boppy.[note 3] You should listen to it.
That's the whole story. I—I ain't being paid enough for this.
Turb0-Sunrise goes on the Hall of Shame!He's becoming a real boy! Wait... After getting ten votes on Road Ra—wait, he—he got ten votes on fucking ROAD RAGE? WHAT KIND OF LUDICROUS BULLSHIT IS THIS, FEDORA-WEARING, KAZOO-PUNCHING, PURPLE-AND-GREEN-STRIPED FUCKPAD? WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THAT FEDORA-WEARING, KAZOO-PUNCHING, PURPLE-AND-GREEN-STRIPED FUCKPAD, I'M GONNA—OH YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING MAN, PEDAL TO THE FUCKING METAL, YOUSAND TAMPON!
NO, WAIT, PLEASE, I'M—I'M SORRY! LOOK—I—I—N—NOO!!!
The author of this article appears to have been surprised to death. Luckily, somebody else found their computer and published the article.
THAT'S RIGHT, THIS HAS BEEN A META COMMENTARY ON TURB0'S ARTICLES!!! PLAY THE INCEPTION TITLECARD!!!
...So anyways.
Congratulations for Turb0-Sunrise for getting on the Hall of Shame! I don't know if he's ashamed of himself or not, but good job!
Vancouverite Sojourn?One page has been made! Uh...
Best Quote of the Whenever
"""Who wants to see some absoloute dogshit soon" -Turb0-Sunrise" -Gergdown", after responding to the quote from Issue 5, "who wants to hear some absoloute dogshit soon" — Turb0-Sunrise
Announcement
Somewhat important, if you want your Gerg Shitroom issues mailed directly to your hou—talk page, go to this page.
Notes (If any)
↑We had to put citation needed there, or else... uh...
"""Who wants to see some absoloute dogshit soon" -Turb0-Sunrise" -Gergdown", after responding to the quote from Issue 5, "who wants to hear some absoloute dogshit soon" — Turb0-Sunrise
Announcement
Somewhat important, if you want your Gerg Shitroom issues mailed directly to your hou—talk page, go to this page.
I now know why I called it Gerg's Shitroom, because it constantly shits in your talk page. It makes sense, really. gergdown, eh (talk) 04:10, 7 October 2025 (UTC)
That's right, it goes in the sockpuppet hole! On January 4th, 2025[note 1], Wikicreator2562 created their Uncyclopedian account. Although their account would seem innocent, they would become one of the most infamous vandals in the entirety of the Uncyclopedian landscape. Wikicreator then continuously spammed the creation of articles like Cherbia, MediaUncyclo, and Chrz City. Although not IP-craft—it was still bad, thus, these articles were ICU'd, except for MediaUncyclo, since it was a very horrid recreation of a front page for a wiki for requesting wikis. They were banned on January 22nd, 2025, due to them not knowing how to sign, being very cryptic, being very uncommunicative, and continuously spamming the same articles. But recently, Wikicreator2562 has went Super-Gale-Mode, by creating several sockpuppets. Yeah. You can see the whole list of sockpuppets here. This is his fifth sockpuppet. Damn. Just. Damn.
The UnSignpost steals our archive system!I mean, it is a good archival system... Pourquoi?? They stole our archival system??? T—to be honest, I don't really care about it. I mean, the header on their archival system is literally "NEW ARCHIVE SYSTEM, STOLEN FROM GERG'S SHITROOM". So it's fine. Y'know, the only active writer on the UnSignpost (well, as of writing this issue), Turb0-Sunrise, Y'know, he—he actually wrote two stories in the 10/8/2025 issue about my shit. It's like he's trying to be nice to me so that when he steals my archival system, I don't really care that much about it...
...nah, that'd be too smart. And also too stupid.
Vancouver and Vancouverite Sojourn are finished in MITKWait, really? "Wait, really?" is correct! It's finished! I think! It's finished! Play it here! Or don't! Like—y'know, you could just—not play it. But let's be honest, it did not need to take four months to create. Like, four months. That's a third of a year. Thank god Heartbound exists, so I can say I'm not the worst with games that take so long to release.
This is the first issue in which I could only write three stories......wait. Oh shit, I just wrote another one. Fuck.
Best Quote of the Whenever
"ruh roh" — Gergdown, after responding to """""Who wants to see some absoloute dogshit soon" -Turb0-Sunrise" -Gergdown", after responding to the quote from Issue 5, "who wants to hear some absoloute dogshit soon" — Turb0-Sunrise"-Gergdown" — Gergdown
Announcement
Somewhat important, if you want your Gerg Shitroom issues mailed directly to your hou—talk page, go to this page.
Notes (If any)
↑Dude, this is a fucking date. This isn't a bold statement. Chill out.
to make this more convenient, i de-organized (is that even a word?) this so that these issues will appear under only one header. so hopefully, your talk page won't be inflated like a balloon with shit. if you want, i can make a dynamic navigation box that just combines all of these into one navbox. gergdown, eh (talk) 18:05, 7 October 2025 (UTC)
Ruh Roh "Woah! What the fuck? Gerg's Shitroom isn't a daily newsletter? What the absolute shit?? I'm so offended!!!" I know that's what you're asking. Why didn't I make an issue yesterday? Why? Why? Why?!?!? Wait, y—you're not asking that? Oh. But I'm still gonna tell you why.
So practically, I was stargazing yesterday. I got to see a lot of constellations yesterday! To name a few:
Ursa Minor
Ursa Major
Cassiopeia
Cepheus
Draco
Hercules
Cygnus
Lyre
Auriga
Corona Borealis (faintly)
...okay, that was all I could see.
Not even an quarter of the constellations I could've seen in the night sky.
I also got to see a meteor flashing through the sky. Pretty cool!
What was also cool was the weather. I mean, literally, it was about 4 degrees Celsius outside (39 degrees Fahrenheit).
But that's enough about me. Enough about me. Enough about my experiences. End of story.
Turb0-Sunrise gets nominated for Writer of the MonthOh damn. I refuse to say anything else. Good job for him. You should, well, you should vote for him. You should vote for that man. Or don't.
Video Essay ProgressSomething the world definitely didn't need It's going pretty well. I guess. Honestly, I—I'm too lazy to write about anything right now..
Best Quote of the Whenever
"ruh roh" — Gergdown, after responding to """""Who wants to see some absoloute dogshit soon" -Turb0-Sunrise" -Gergdown", after responding to the quote from Issue 5, "who wants to hear some absoloute dogshit soon" — Turb0-Sunrise"-Gergdown" — Gergdown
Announcement
Somewhat important, if you want your Gerg Shitroom issues mailed directly to your hou—talk page, go to this page.
Yippee!!! Happy tenth issue! That's 1/3rd of a month. That's like, a bunch. Pretty cool! If you want to celebrate this—firstly—rethink your actions. Secondly, you can play Vancouverite Sojourn by clicking on this link! Please, I—I spent four months on it. I've been living with the pigeons. And the pigeons are coming for me, because I didn't pay my rent yet. So help. I have to steal food now to make ends met.
Video Essay is finishedAs of writing this issue, it already has four votes on VFH That's right! The article literally nobody needed is here! Or maybe someone did need the Video Essay article? Whatever. Oh well, because it exists now. For real. As of writing, it's been less than 6 hours since the publication of the article, and it already has four votes on VFH. Kinda cool.
Turb0-Sunrise now has the ugliest signature everLike, really, it sucks, like, holy shit, it's so bad I've officially found the worst signature ever. And let me break down why it's so bad.
So the first thing I hate about it is the [[File:Sun-asplode.gif]] image. The thing is, although a gif sounds great, make sure to always leave either a |link= or a |link=(your userpage) in the file. Because otherwise, it really just stinks, because when you click on the image, it just sends you to the file, which really sucks.
The next thing is a bit more obscure. Not many people know this, but instead of using <small>(your text)<small>, you can actually use {{Big|-2|(your text)}} instead. It saves file space (by like, 4 bytes). It's more convenient. It's better. It's BETTER!
The next thing is way more obvious. The usage of <big><big><big> instead of {{Big|3||}} really stinks. Why? Because it does.
And at last, was <font face="Palace Script MT">. Who would use a font like this? It sucks. You suck. I suck.
Turb0-Sunrise nominates his own article for the fourth time on VFH
This is why nobody likes him Read abo—wai—NO NO NO NO NO NO
Best Quote of the Whenever
"ruh roh" — Gergdown, after responding to """""Who wants to see some absoloute dogshit soon" -Turb0-Sunrise" -Gergdown", after responding to the quote from Issue 5, "who wants to hear some absoloute dogshit soon" — Turb0-Sunrise"-Gergdown" — Gergdown
Announcement
Somewhat important, if you want your Gerg Shitroom issues mailed directly to your hou—talk page, go to this page.
(At 3 AM) Never play Minesweeper at 3 AM. I repeat. NEVER play it at 3 AM. You know why you should never play it at 3 AM? Well, it's pretty obvious. Look at the image to your right. What do you see? A very NOT normal game of minesweeper. Notice how there's a 9 on the board. A NINE. Th—that's not how minesweeper. If you didn't know, the numbers on minesweeper tells you how many squares around it are mines. So if there's a square with a 1 on it, that means it has 1 mine adjacent to it. The maximum can only be eight. So why is there a nine?? And most importantly, why is there a flying 6 on the board?? By the way, thank you for reading this story. This is actually just a ploy to make you play Minesweeper. Good gameplay loop. My only complaint is that there's no reward for completing a level, and there's no lootboxes, cosmetics, and there's also no female characters.
Video Essay gets 9 votes on VFHAs of writing last issue, it had four votes on VFH Oh cool, that one funny article I made now has NINE votes on VFH. That's pretty cool! But can we get ten? That'd be pretty cool, y'know? Ten votes? That's two digits. That's a one plus a zero... plus nine. So yeah! That'd be pretty cool. Not forcing you, of course. I'm not your father (or mother, if you don't have a father. in which... damn)
I would give my insight on how I created the article, but I think I should release it whenever I'm not half-asleep.
Turb0-Sunrise tries to nominate Surprisium on VFH, ends terriblyLike, it went so bad Yeah... it didn't go well for Turb0. Like, he put it on QVFD bad. 0 votes for, 4.5 votes against. Turb0, annoyed, distraught, said this:
"shit fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit. my next article will fucking destroy this" — Turb0-Sunrise
And we actually got 10 votes!! Holy shit!! That's right. Video essay actually got featured on VFH. With a grand total of ten votes, it's uh—well it's featured. Ain't that cool?? Ten votes?? The double digit number of votes?? Whatever. But also, soon after Video essay got featured, Turb0-Sunrise nominated his article HowTo:Behave Yourself on VFH. It currently sits at -2.5 votes. He nominated Surprisium to "piss me off", he nominated HowTo:Behave Yourself to "tick me off", what's next? Is he gonna nominated Skyscraper(whenever that article comes out) to "shit me off"? Oh yeah, and when I tried reporting on the UnSignpost that Video essay got 10 votes on VFH, and thus, should be going on VFH Highlight on the week, he redacted it! But it was probably because we then agreed that Moccasins should've been the highlight.
Apparently I'm nominated for adminship???Wait what the fuck Uh... so apparently I got nominated for admin on VFS? What the actual fuck? I haven't even gotten rollbacker yet! I mean, vote whatever your heart desires, but like—what the actual hell? I have a chance to become an admin? Holy shit! That's kinda huge!
Should I add an "Ask Gerg" section here?Why not? The "Ask ####" trend started on who-the-fuck-cares. The most important part is that Turb0 and Forum:Ask OPOSSUM are doing it, so should I? The bestest of questions shall be put on the most recent issue.
Should I add an "Ask Gerg" section here?
You voted for "Yes" on 20 October 2025 at 09:14. You can change your vote by clicking a different answer below.
7
0
There were 7 votes since the poll was created on 19:29, 15 October 2025.
poll-id 018787ED856E38C7183DBACE0FEA1645
The UnSignpost-Gerg's Shitroom merger?Oh damn it actually happened LOL Yeah... the merger happened. Though nothing changed... sorry, LOL!
Best Quote of the Whenever
"U got a big stick? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" — OPOSSUM
Announcement
Somewhat important, if you want your Gerg Shitroom issues mailed directly to your hou—talk page, go to this page.
We just got over Gerg's Shitroom existing[1], and now we have yet another competitor.TropicalPanther's "New Tropical Times" has arrived on the newspaper scene this last Sunday. Damn it, I wanted the cool job nobody else had! And seriously, what's with this line? L10N! GET IN HERE AND FIX THIS!
We have a socker! Wikicreator2562 is a rampant sockpuppeteer. With 5 confirmed socks, be on the lookout for any article on the fictional piece of bullshit Cherbia, or anything concerning the HowTo Store.
Biopic
Gergdown, formerly Theultimategergdown, is the creator of articles such as Lawrencium, as well as Make it to Ketchikan's Vancouverite Sojourn, is one of the only Canadian Uncyclopedian still around. Gergdown is also the author of Gerg's Shitroom. Go read that. Nothing happens here.
""""Who wants to see some absoloute dogshit soon" -Turb0-Sunrise" -Gergdown", after responding to the quote from Issue 5, "who wants to hear some absoloute dogshit soon" — Turb0-Sunrise"-Gergdown
You have been blocked from editing for a period of yes for being a weeb. If you think there are good reasons for being unblocked, please write them down on a pineapple and shove it right up your ass. Once the block has expired, you are welcome to make useful contributions, but it is highly recommended that you stop being a weeb. Thaaanks! --👻CUNTurb0-SunSpookrise, Esquire 👻 20:01, 13 October 2025 (UTC)
Stop, collaborate and listen! USP is back with a brand new edition![edit source]
A new forum topic, Ask Turb0, has opened up. The forum allows people like you to ask Turb0-Sunrise questions about anything. that's right, anything. The top 5 questions each week get on the USP. Like, we need questions. Please.
Gerg's Shitroom author Gergdown and I are considering a merger. Does this really matter? No. Will anything change? No. And the merger actually happened. Will the world implode? Find out next on Uncyclopedia: The Soap Opera!
Within the past month or so, several new users have popped up. Soviet, Teh Epik Duck, DestructiveCriticism, and LavaLampDrinker, just to name a few. Is this the Uncyclopedia comeback we've been waiting for for the past 12 years or so? Or is it false hope? Only time will tell.
Biopic
Soviet, one of the newest users on the site, has been a prime contributer to the ASBOxAAT series, notably helping black out the whole canvas in the small version of ASBOPAAT, and creating a large Canada leaf that Fish better not turn purple! in the big version.
What are some of the best hiking trails on the Presidential Range? -OPOSSUM — [nil {{{u1}}}]
In short, Jewell Trail, Tuckerman Ravine Trail, and the Crawford Path.
Which is more versatile, big sticks or pool noodles? -OPOSSUM again — [nil {{{u2}}}]
Big sticks, as they can be used for all things pool noodles can be used for, save cannons.
U got a big stick? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) -OPOSSUM yet again — [nil {{{u3}}}]
Perchance.
why do you guys in new england call shit different things, why do you call water coolers "bubblers", why do you guys call "cold" as 31*F and not -1*C, ect. -Gergdown surprisingly — [nil {{{u4}}}]
I don't know about the bubbler thing, but we do call remote controls "clickers" up here. And -1*c is basically the same as 31*f, so it's about the same.
How many hours of sleep do you get? -Soviet — [nil {{{u5}}}]
Ruh Roh I know. I know—I know. I forgot. But I'm only human, after all. (I'm only human, after all.) I forgot. I don't have dementia—I just forgot. Okay—well I didn't forget to write, I just didn't fucking feel like it anymore. Sorry... lol!
Well, as you can see by the image, I went stargazing again. And guess what? The stars fucking aligned with this trip. I got to see twenty four constellations, a comet, a meteor shower, the Milky Way Galaxy, parts of Andromeda, the Pleiades, all under a New Moon. The stars fucking aligned—both literally and metaphorically. The only thing that didn't align was the clouds that soon went in and blocked our west view of the constellations.
I had some hot chocolate there. It's about a fifty minute drive east of where I'm at.
What was also cool was the weather. I mean, literally, it was about 1 degrees Celsius outside (39 degrees Fahrenheit).
But that's enough about me. Enough about me. Enough about my experiences. End of story.
Priest Goofball Mod Is Almost FinishedIt's about 85-90% done... give or take. So basically, for those not in the loop, the Priest Goofball mod is the one thing preventing me from being a TRUE UNCYCLOPEDIAN. I'll work on it whenever I get the motivation for it (or, I'll just give myself motivation...), and after I finish it, I can become a TRUE UNCYCLOPEDIAN. Vancouverite Sojourn will be finished faster. Oh wait, yeah, that reminds me! Vancouverite Sojourn is getting an extension! Vancouverite Sojourn is now bigger than Escape from Ojai! It just works! It just works!
Halloween is coming!Less than a week How will you celebrate Halloween? Sorry for the short issue—I don't really care.
Best Quote of the Whenever
"Yeah peepee poopoo bitch, you're a [bitch] who got divorced by Tony fucking Montana." — Gergdown
Announcement
None
Notes (If any)
Ask Gerg
why have you not voted for yourself on VFS yet? — Turb0-Sunrise
i don't think i can?
news flash: you can — Turb0-Sunrise
that's not a question, also i can't
incorrect. also, why is "crocotta" here? — Turb0-Sunrise
Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.
October 29, 2025 • Issue #227 • The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11Current issue • Archives • Press Room
The epidemic of spooky signs is almost over, hopefully. It all started when I made up a new "spookysig" featuring purple and orange as opposed to my normal eye-burning pink, Hatsune Miku blue, and neon brown. Turb0-SunSpookrise, Esquire joined in the fun when he made up his own spooky signature. A newcomer, Teh Epik Duck, also made a spooky signature, rebranding himself as Teh Spooky Duck and putting an additional color in there, green. Who will be the next to become spooky? ALL-CAPS MARSUPIAL? Oneshot Bird, perhaps? Maybe even Daniel Pinus the 3rd? Anything goes when it's spooky sig season!
Local hozer and resident dumbass Gergdown has finally done something useful for Onwards to Boston, uploading probably one of the best songs ever, "Dirty Water" by The Standells. You can listen right over there on the right.
After stealing various stuff from Gerg, Turb0-Sunrise's user and talk pages actually kick ass now. Seriously. Go look at them. The talk page header is particularly nice. Gerg's headers are neat too. Check those out.
Apparently, many users are not who they think they are. According to Gerg, Alula and DaniPine3 are the same person, Opossum is ASSGORE DREEMURR, Big MOCCASIN Billy is the Friend Inside Me, Knife Guy is THE ROARING KNIGHT, and I'm Toby Fox. Ask him about it.
what do you plan on doing for the rest of your uncyclopedian career? -Gergdown — [nil {{{u1}}}]
Your mom!
if i were to turn you into a bigfin squid would you become Turb0-Squidrise? -number dude — [nil {{{u2}}}]
bluug blorp blub.
the vancouverite sojourn paradox: since vancouverite sojourn has music, templates, and images, and has more pages than efo, is it technically mitk 2.5? -gerg — [nil {{{u3}}}]
“Yeah peepee poopoo bitch, you're a person who got divorced by Tony fucking Montana.” -Gergdown
If you are over 18 and a smoking hot firefighter, you could also piss on me. -Shabidoo
DaniPine3 and Alula are, in fact, the same person On October 27th, 2025, an article was created by You Know Who, that alludes to the GREATEST CONSPIRACY THEORY EVER. Practically everybody has read it.
Mugshot 1
But if you forgot the story, ladies and gentlemen—it's about time I pull the wool from your sheeple's eyes and reveal the truth that nobody has told you yet. Nobody has told you it—because it's under layers and layers of secrecy, layers and layers of plot holes, conspiracy, Mikeness, and much, much more. That's right—users DaniPine3 and Alula are, in fact, the same person. This theory is long and explains several other plot holes in the story of Uncyclopedia Chapter 20. In fact, according to my hypothesis, OPOSSUM was right about Alula making so many Deltarune references, Pluey is the secret boss of Deltarune Chapter 5, and how, in fact, Turb0-Sunrise is actually Toby Fox.
I know! I know! I get it! You may think I'm crazy! Some guy claiming that these two very different people are actually the same person, and one of them is a sockpuppet? Very damn crazy, amirite? But the more you listen to me, the less you'll think that I'm a Lunatic, and the more you'll see that I'm right. I'm right, you're wrong. You are always wrong.
So without further ado, now begins my chime to begin my really long fucking analysis about the fact that you guys continuously refuse to believe: The fact that DaniPine3 and Alula are the same people. Or that OPOSSUM and DaniPine3 are fucking with each other... that's kinda vague on the details.
Evidence
Now, this claim seems BAT FUCK INSANE. But, have a look at the front-faced evidence, the easy shit:
DaniPine3 and Alula are in the exact same timezone.
They are both active users.
They both play DELTARUNE.
They both edit hit non-video game Make it to Ketchikan, although Alula edits it more.
But this theory doesn't make any sense, so let's move on.
1225 (Dess) Theory
Duh.
Okay, this theory actually goes a lot deeper.
So it turns out, birds and deer have a symbiotic relationship with each other.[4] Now, since I'm an EPIC NERD GAMER, I know what that means. But if you don't, the animals can basically work together to give each other nutrients. The bird and the deer are mutual to each other. They're mutualist creatures. (That's not a word.) But if you were to look deeper, the Nightjar bird actually also has a symbiotic relationship with goats. That's right—Alula is a Nightjar bird working together with a goat, who's DaniPine3. It all connects. After all, Asgore (the man who is on the truck) is a boy, and Dess (who is being run over) is a girl. DaniPine3 is a boy, and Alula is a girl. IT ALL CONNECTS!
It actually doesn't, though, because DaniPine3 and Alula are the same person, so this theory makes no sense. After all, you can't run over yourself.
Gaster Theory
So, if you were to look back on Archive 41 on LPTEW, you'd see some very strange text.
OOHHHH LOOK AT THIS TEXT IT IS SO UNREADABLE AND MYSTERIOUS. WAIT NO DON'T READ THE SOURCE CODE
This is the font Wingdings. Mostly known for being one letter off from being Wing Dongs, this is the font spoken by the mysterious entity from Undertale: W. D. Gaster. Notably, he is the ONLY character to speak in this font, as shown in the hidden Entry 17 that is hidden in the game files. Oh yeah—you can't really get W. D. Gaster normally. He'll appear once per one hundred games. Key note, though: He is associated with the number 6. He only appears on FUN value 66. His followers only appear throughout numbers 60-65. Oh, and also, if you were wondering, the text translates to:
“OOHHHH LOOK AT THIS TEXT IT IS SO UNREADABLE AND MYSTERIOUS. WAIT NO DON'T READ THE SOURCE CODE”
– Alula
If you weren't convinced that Alula is Wing Gaster, look at the text DaniPine3 sent.
Mugshot 2
HI IT'S ME WING GASTER THE ROYAL SCIENTIST ALSO KNOWN AS THE MAN WHO SPEAKS IN HANDS
More wingdings. Seemingly innocent though, right? WRONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! If you were to translate this text, using a Wingdings translator online (which, is easier said than done), or if you just look inside the source code of the forum, it shows THIS:
“HI IT'S ME WING GASTER THE ROYAL SCIENTIST ALSO KNOWN AS THE MAN WHO SPEAKS IN HANDS”
– DaniPine3
Both speak in Wingdings.
Both speak in hands.
Both are W. D. Gaster.
It really makes sense, y'know? Sans alluded in one Tumblr post that he made[5] to one enemy being two things, and, well, if you went in-game, there was this enemy that appeared as one, but was actually two enemies! And plus, he also alluded to Gaster, stating, "it'd be rude to talk about someone who's listening." A man who fell into his own creation, scattered across time and space, as an observer. It all connects! And since Sans has some knowledge of Gaster, it's not surprising that the two things phrase refers to Gaster. Two sides of the same coin. After all, his sprite, titled "spr_mysteryman.png" has two faces. One at the top, and if you were to flip the image upside-down, it appears as another face. It was why Alula acted so vigorously about the "man.ogg" sounding waltz I made, as DaniPine3 didn't respond... at all. At all for a month, actually, coincidentally after that. Coincidence? I think not.
Turb0-Sunrise is Toby Fox Theory
This one is lacklustre at first glance, but if you look at it a bit further, it actually makes a bit more sense.
Turb0-Sunrise and Toby Fox are both New Englanders.
Both lived in New Hampshire for a good portion of their lives.
Actually, Toby Fox studied at Boston, and conceived Undertale and Deltarune there.
There was another key point of evidence that is a bit vague, but still counts. I remember reading one time on X about some random gal's opinion about how Toby Fox hated his western audience. I thought that was absurd... but the more I think about it, if Turb0-Sunrise is a person who has a... er... distaste towards the Deltarune Clique, doesn't that mean they hate their western audience? Norway and Spain are both in the western sphere of influence, after all. Also: Toby Fox really likes Dirty Water.[6] My evidence? Telepathic Toby said it in my dreams.[7]
Pluey Theory
Well, we have to go over all the evidence. After all, I stated this theory covers how Pluey is the secret boss of Chapter number 5! Well, you see, Pluey was first mentioned whenever Toby Fox mentioned him, and practically, he's a guy I think? Nobody actually knows who Pluey is. But, when Chapters 3 + 4 released, it was revealed to what Pluey was: A fucking minigame.
But that never sat right with me. Why mention Pluey specifically? Actually, all of the Chapter 4 minigames were mentioned on Noelle Holiday's blog[8], including Pluey. But look at the names. Pluey, Battat, and Jongler. Jongler is a play on the word jongleur, a word for a someone who's good at juggling. But look at the other two names—Pluey and Battat. Now, if you replace the B in Battat with an M, and replace the second T in Battat with a P...
MATPAT
Which, if you didn't know, is a real person. So who is Pluey?
I dunno.
OPOSSUM Is ASGORE DREEMURR
Okay, this... this is just a shitpost.
Although...
There is one template OPOSSUM uses that is the background for their header. Can you guess what it's called?
NEW HAMPSHIRE, the place where Toby lives.
This connects OPOSSUM with Turb0-Sunrise, and by extension, Toby Fox.
They're the same. (Frienderic on the left, Billy on the right)
The Final Theory
Now, from beginning to end, here is my theory:
DaniPine3 and Alula are both the same person: The remnants of W.D. Gaster. Actually, if you think about it for one second, Alula (the bird creature from OneShot) has a blue feathery appearance in the game. You know who else is blue? Sans.[9] You know who has a red signature? DaniPine3. You know who's red? Papyrus. Now, these comparisons seem implausible, but really, think about it. W.D. Gaster is named after a font: Wingdings. You know who else speaks in a font? Sans and Papyrus. After all, they are literally named after their fonts. That's right: Alula is Sans (and by extension, remember You're genocides), and DaniPine3 is Papyrus. I mean, DaniPine3 seems more cheerful than Alula, who is more serious (but more intelligent, and I'm saying this as a nerd-ly NERD!), much like their Undertale counterparts. After all, Sans does know he's in a video game. (We don't know about Papyrus, unless they're the ROARING KNIGHT from Deltarune, in which, yes, they do know.) Alula has a higher role in the Uncyclopedian community, = more knowledge. DaniPine3, only sitting as a lonely user, has less knowledge about their surroundings. IT ALL CONNECTS!
Therefore, Sans = Alula. Papyrus = DaniPine3. Sans + Papyrus = Gaster. CASE CLOSED!
But take it from DaniPine3
“okay, so I've been reading your theory, and I have to say: I admit it, I am W. D. Gaster. you got me.”
Happy Hallow's Eve's EveThe most complicated name ever Happy Hallow's Eve Eve. Or, as you may say, happy Halloween Eve. Halloween's tomorrow! Ain't that crazy??? No, it's not crazy, it happens every year. It's as crazy as it snowing in the Winter. Well... y'know... there are some places where it doesn't snow. After all, it didn't snow there at all. Oh yeah, uh... Happy Halloween Eve. I don't really celebrate Halloween—I just eat candy. I know I sound like I child... but that's just how it's always been.
New Thread in LPTEW?And hey, L10n came back to make it! It seems that L10n has the Midas Touch in Uncyclopedia. Everything he makes that is considered "entertainment" becomes an active part of the Uncyclopedian community. First, it was ASBOWAAT. And now, it is this. A new thread called Dialogue has been created in LPTEW that uses the Dialogue template to its advantage. Users may not:
Post images
Use links
Use templates
Sign
These rules were made by ME. It was made to recreate the experience you'd get if you would use the very old IRC. (I never used it)
Vancouverite Sojourn is now bigger than Escape from OjaiWait what HOLY SHIT.
Priest Goofball Mod ProgressPretty good. See here,here,and here. Also first issue with 5 stories LET'S GO
Best Quote of the Whenever
"Yeah peepee poopoo bitch, you're a [bitch] who got divorced by Tony fucking Montana." — Gergdown
Thanks. Now to write HowTo:Eat two oranges, HowTo:Eat three oranges, and HowTo:Eat four oranges... --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 15:22, 4 November 2025 (UTC)
Unlike a certain Bostoner wants you to believe... This week has been one of the most impactful weeks ever in my entire Uncyclopedian career. A lot of shit hit the fan, y'know? Here's the thing: Since I recently upgraded the Gerg's Shitroom template to have eight available story slots, instead of the original four, how about we go through... let's say... practically everything that has happened this week? Of course, we won't be talking about... say... literally everything. I mean "everything", as in, the "major" parts of this week. I'm not going to talk about what the 69th edit of today was. Anyway, hopefully the image of a lone trolling man to the right hasn't mesmerized your eyes yet. Because this issue of the Gerg's Shitroom will be long. Very, very, very long.
Before we begin, happy November 5th day. My fallAUTUMN break is coming soon.
Okay lemme finish my... my... "yapping"...
and let's actually start.
Gerg's CSS Lab opensMy only useful contribution to this website In the disarray of endless Deltarot(which, honestly, to actually explain what that is, would TAKE TOO LONG to explain)[note 1], so we're just going to ignore that I said that... and move on.
So, the Gerg's CSS Lab was an organization founded by... well... me, dumbass. It's a group of one person, that being... me... working whenever I feel like it. I've currently made the foundation for the project, the Gerg Scale, which, took way too fucking long to make. The lab has also brought out its first template: After three prototypes, I've made Template:Rand control, which allows you to choose a random number, while choosing how long the number will be. For example, if I wanted to make a random number with three digits, this would be it:
216
And this would be it with five digits:
63216
Pretty neat, huh? As another bonus, it's also seperate from Template:Rand, so you can use them both for the merrier!
16
3
It isn't guaranteed to work, but I'm patching it up.
THIS ARTICLE IS ACTUALLY NOMINATED TO BE A FEATURED ARTICLE
Horseshoe theory is a theory that states that if you're politically aligned to, say, the far-right, and you become so, so, so far-rightest-er, you become a far-anarcho-leftist. Now what does this have to do with the horrible piece o' crap article that I've written?
This article, is so, so fucking bad, that it convinced people that it was good.
ashkually it failed miserably -turb0
oh yeah i forgot to write about that gimme a sec
Oh yeah, it uh... also failed with a score of (4-4). Even fucking Bad Motherfucker despised it. Still had a better than Surprisium though, and Turb0 put ACTUAL effort into that!
TropicalPanther creates the UncordBecause that was... uh... actually nevermind User TropicalPanther has created the Uncord. Sadly, I don't think anybody has used it yet. But also, honestly, it seemed more like a cashgrab of the original trend that L10n started. Oh well. Time will put the project in its place. Will it become the new IRC, having users use it? Or will it be forgotten? We'll see.
The Great Purple Trial in AIBOPAAT/BigThe great crusade The Great Purple Trial was a war started between the two users of Turb0-Sunrise and Fish on skates against Gergdown and Soviet. It lasted approximately half of a day. Starting on 8:49 AM MDT, and ending at 4:32 PM MDT, this was a war that cannot be scoffed at. Although not living up to the AIBOPAAT Canadian war, this still isn't a war to be glossed over at.
↑In short, the term "Deltarot" refers to the category known as "in-jokes" inside the Deltarune community. Some of these "in-jokes" escape the Deltarune stratosphere though. Those are still Deltarot... they're just actual fucking memes. Having this gif actually being featured on a Lessons in Meme Culture video is fucking diabolical, though. That was... insane.
Ask Gerg
are you actually from canada or is that just a bit — Fish on skates
yeah i'm actually canadian. albertan if you wanna be specific.
they do here. first, they grow on trees. then us humans and also birds grab the oil that grows from the tree. then we spread the oil to the prairie critters. then the prairie critters spread it to apples. then the apples grow legs, and go onto the trees.
why did you change your name from theultimategergdown — Fish on skates
theultimategergdown was too long. also practically everyone called me gergdown or gerg anyway
November 12, 2025 • Issue #229 • Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.Current issue • Archives • Press Room
Turb0-Sunrise coincidentally "revives" his own On the 8th of November, 2025, after seeing the success that was born after user OPOSSUM creates his own wiki, titled Opossumopedia, I decide to take a little sub-diversion from my regular career by creating User:Gergdown/Gergpedia. It was a much bigger success than I could've ever thought! It currently sits at 14 pages as of now. With it having other users edit it, honestly, as the creator of the project, I think it was a success. An almost too good success.
And uh... uh... Turb0 just happened to remember he had his own wiki at the same time. What are the chances of these happening, man?
There is one thing I shall say as the creator of the wiki: I honestly, honestly, only made it to make that Joe Biden inflation joke. If you don't get it... maybe add an r at the end. And maybe add a 34 too.
Welp, I shall give Fish on skates her well deserved cookie now.
The Canadian-Purple Leaf War articleAnd speaking of Gergpedia... After a long and grueling six month war, I've decided to take the challenge of writing down all of the history that occurred during the battlefields of the Canadian-Purple Leaf war. It currently sits at about a thousand words, making it one of my longest articles yet. It might actually be my third longest article so far!
I've currently wrote about the background of the conflict, the infobox on the side, and the introduction to the article. More progress will be made soon.
If you were one of the twelve users who fought in the battlefields of Canada, please, please, please write a message in the the page's talk page about your testimonies about the battle.
But that's enough about me and my boring wiki clone. Let's see how the rest of Uncyclopedia is doing! Nah jk let's talk about Deltarune
The Priest Goofball Mod is almost finished!IT'S ALMOST DONE!!! I know. You can't believe it. But it's almost done! The only things I have left is well... barely any! In fact, I can count all the things left with one mutated hand! Well, maybe two mutated hands... maybe even three... oh well! That doesn't even fucking matter! IT'S ALMOST DONE!!!
Now, for our readers that do not know about the Priest Goofball mod, you should read here, here, and here. But if you don't feel like reading those, basically, it's a Deltarune mod that I made that gained attraction and notice from the Deltarune community. So much attraction, in fact, that I'm being forced to work on it by... uh... peer pressure, I guess. There isn't much left to be worked on it, and since I'm currently on fall break, I should have a lot more time to work on it! In fact, this is basically all I have left:
Give Susie BetterHeal
Add ComfortX
Add Goofball's MILK
Fix that one annoying very annoying nuisance-nuisancing bug in the first cutscene
Add the second cutscene
And that's practically it! Most of these are very easy to add, by the way. Except for the final two.
This whole story was made because Turb0 couldn't write jackshit.Yeah... That's why this was made.
Oh Yeah I'm Also On The Hall of ShameLET'S GO!!! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best Quote of the Whenever
"Yeah peepee poopoo bitch, you're a [bitch] who got divorced by Tony fucking Montana." — Gergdown
No blurb here this time The Priest Goofball mod is almost done! I will be inactive this weekend as I will be drinking gallons and coffee, shooting up caffeine through my nostril, and locking the fuck in. After the two days of inactivity, I will be back. These will be my final words on this website. Well, my final words for two days. I know, I'm pulling a Coffi right now, especially the part where he said he was taking a break, and then returned two days later. And I'm not pulling a Coffi, as in the time when he had a mental breakdown. That was... uh... not fun to see.
Oh well. For our readers that do not know what the Priest Goofball mod is, stop reading this. Trust me, if you do read this, you'll sacrifice your social connections. But practically, the Priest Goofball mod was a Deltarune Kristal[note 1] modification I made in September. It uh... became really popular. Thus, I had to work, work, and work on it. But this website kept haunting me whenever I tried to focus on the mod. Thus, I have downloaded a website blocker, and will now block this website for the entire weekend.
If I finish it (or, say, almost finish it), another issue will be made on Monday. It will be green. Because Priest Goofball is green.
Sorry for flooding you with so much Deltarot content recently. This mod has been taking my life away. Kinda sad, really. Oh well. Cya guys!
Best Quote of the Whenever
"Yeah peepee poopoo bitch, you're a [bitch] who got divorced by Tony fucking Montana." — Gergdown
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!! TropicalPanther, probably the luckiest user on the site[1] had been banned. This came after repeatedly creating a sucky UnNews. Originally allowed talkpage access, Panther then threatened to SUE Uncyclopedia. First off, for what? Second off, with what lawyer?
Along with several random user's pages,[2] some dick of an IP decided to go on a vandal spree.
It was about 10:30 PM ETC. Me, Gerg, Zorua, and OPOSSUM were the only ones awake. Suddenly, racoons vandalism. Some IP "blanking" pages with a clever bit of wikitext. Then it escalated. Quickly. Full-on blankings, calling us cunts, and a whole shit-ton of other stuff. Fun times.
09:47, 18 November 2025 DaniPine3 blocked DaniPine3 with an expiration time of 5 seconds (autoblock disabled) (requested by Turb0-Sunrise: i'm a prick who edit conflicts people for no good reason)
10:04, 16 November 2025 Alula blocked TropicalPanther with an expiration time of infinite (account creation disabled) (don't say i didn't warn you)
00:14, 19 November 2025 Alula changed block settings for TropicalPanther with an expiration time of infinite (account creation disabled, email disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (making legal threaths and stuff)
(minus the duck)
FOR ALL OF THE HIGH CONTRACTING PARTIES, In order to give me some spare time to work on my projects, and after a long fought war between all parties for the edit war to end all edit wars, and to stop this reckless fighting onto the fields of AIBOPAAT, and to finalize this war's end date, an armistice shall be agreed on by all sides of this war. This message will be sent to all current fighters of Chanada, fighting alongside the purple banner, those being:
The members of the purple leaf banner must agree to cease all fighting in Chanada, as the flag will be expected to be rebuilt by Gergdown in a week. Gergdown will also agree to cease fighting with them in Chanada. If this article is broken, this article will be declared null by Gergdown, as he will stop the perpetrator who broke this article, and restore the flag to what it was.
ARTICLE 2: FURTHER DISCUSSIONS
Further discussions will be held about the future of Chanada. This document is only here to signify the end of this war. Further discussions will be held publicly soon at an unknown location, preferably at a forum page. These discussions will only be held if all party members agree to this armistice.
to make "Yankees suck" an in-joke by any means necessary. prepare for the UnNews proclaiming it to the world SirTurb0-Sunrisede laBoston 17:22, 21 November 2025 (UTC)
Well, I promised it. I'm so sorry for the amount of times I've mentioned this damn community in a row. Trust me, next issue will return back to the normal side of things.[citation needed] Honestly, even I am starting to get annoyed by it, and I'm literally an enjoyer of the game. Even in real life, I can't escape from the Deltarot. Like seriously, in school, there's this art poster upstairs. And one of the drawings was the fucking Thrash Machine from Deltarune. During my class' free time, I hear that haunting "Oohoohoohoo!" as someone boots up Deltarune Chapter 2. Man, it's pissing me off.
Anyway, progress is going well. This is going to be one of those issues that won't be long. Next issue, next issue, back to normality. Trust me. Trust me. Trust the fuck outta me.
Every attack has been finished, honestly, the mod is practically almost done. Here's all that's left:
Fix a bug
Add a background
Final cutscene
And then I'll be done!
I now have ThumbsuckerAfter some quote unquote: persuasion. That's right, I now have the ability to suck people's thumbs! After some tiny... uh... tiny persuasion.
“Here at the Gerg's Coding Lab thingymajingy, I am "devoted" for the "improvement" of the coding of this website. That's why it's called a coding lab. Because it's a lab for coding. There, I'm "devoted"[citation needed] to everything every Uncyclopedian dreams of. Uh... cool things to look at. Cool wiki-text. Cool CSS. So uh... you should give me thumbsucker. But before you read further, I do have to say, I have your mother. I stole your mother because I saw that my mother disappeared. And I thought it was you who stole my mother. We should do a trade. With the mothers. Not the things I said before.
Why you should give me thumbsucker
You see, with an edit count as FAT as me, it is only fucking necessary that you give my thumbsucker. Like seriously, it is fucking crazy to me that no one has given my thumbsucker yet. I HAVE ALMOST AS MUCH EDITS AS ALL OF THE ADMINS COMBINED IN THE LAST 30 DAYS. I MAKE UP THE MAJORITY OF THIS WEBSITE'S EDITS! I REVAMPEDTHREE FUCKING UNCYCLOPROJECTS'S MAIN PAGES,AS A USER! It's fucking crazy that I still dno't have Thumbsucker.
What happens when you don't.
WELL, YOU SEE... I will kill your mother. Then I will use my knowledge into javascript to burn the fuck outta these servers. Then I will hack into the FUCKING AMERICAN NUCLEAR SYSTEM. You see, there was a data-breach I found after using my password brute-forcer given to me from some Islamic rebellion fighters during the events of 9/11. I will use the Afghani password breacker technology to breach into the system disguised as an Icelandic viewer, use the data breach to breach someone's account, and then BLOW UP THE ENTIRETY OF FUCKING EUROPE! And after your fucking Northern lights post, if I see you in real life, I WILL KILL YOU!!! Ah... the story of Icarus, the boy that fell from grace by flying too close to the sun... and you're trying to bring the sun down to the fucking Earth. SO I'LL DO IT FIRST! Ain't no stopping me now... I'm gonna be on the moon! I'm gonna turn into the fucking Minotaur! Trapped in this endless maze only to be murdered eventually if you don't give me that role! If you don't, I'll give you your own wax wings, and through you thousands of feet into the fucking air!”
– Gergdown
That basically sums up this story.
Uncycloproject revampsNow I understand why Turb0 called me the "CSS Nerd" Uncycloprojects UnBooks and UnGames have had their main pages revamped by the right honourable lord of Edmonton, Gergdown. After... "scavanging" into the code of famous user RealDonaldTrump, I can now say that I understand what the hell goes on. That's why, whenever you look inside UnBooks, you see a bunch of <div class="thing"> tags now. I've now learned that. Thank you, 3-term lasting president.
Best Quote of the Whenever
"Yeah peepee poopoo bitch, you're a [bitch] who got divorced by Tony fucking Montana." — Gergdown
Here at the Turb0-Sunrise's Coding Lab thingymajingy, I am "devoted" for the "improvement" of the coding of this website. That's why it's called a coding lab. Because it's a lab for coding. There, I'm "devoted"[citation needed] to everything every Uncyclopedian dreams of. Uh... cool things to look at. Cool wiki-text. Cool CSS. So uh... you should give me a cookie. But before you read further, I do have to say, I have your mother. I stole your mother because I saw that my mother disappeared. And I thought it was you who stole my mother. We should do a trade. With the mothers. Not the things I said before.
You see, with an edit count as FAT as me, it is only fucking necessary that you give my a cookie. Like seriously, it is fucking crazy to me that no one has given my a cookie yet. I HAVE ALMOST AS MUCH EDITS AS ALL OF THE ADMINS COMBINED IN THE LAST 30 DAYS. I MAKE UP THE MAJORITY OF THIS WEBSITE'S EDITS! I REVAMPEDTHREE FUCKING UNCYCLOPROJECTS'S MAIN PAGES,AS A USER! It's fucking crazy that I still dno't have a cookie.
WELL, YOU SEE... I will kill your mother. Then I will use my knowledge into javascript to burn the fuck outta these servers. Then I will hack into the FUCKING AMERICAN NUCLEAR SYSTEM. You see, there was a data-breach I found after using my password brute-forcer given to me from some Islamic rebellion fighters during the events of 9/11. I will use the Afghani password breacker technology to breach into the system disguised as an Icelandic viewer, use the data breach to breach someone's account, and then BLOW UP THE ENTIRETY OF FUCKING EUROPE! And after your fucking Northern lights post, if I see you in real life, I WILL KILL YOU!!! Ah... the story of Icarus, the boy that fell from grace by flying too close to the sun... and you're trying to bring the sun down to the fucking Earth. SO I'LL DO IT FIRST! Ain't no stopping me now... I'm gonna be on the moon! I'm gonna turn into the fucking Minotaur! Trapped in this endless maze only to be murdered eventually if you don't give me that role! If you don't, I'll give you your own wax wings, and through you thousands of feet into the fucking air!
Eh, it's been mostly quiet over the past week or so. LPTEW got archived, I made some new sigs, the Yankees still suck, and everybody's having a gay fun old time.
Rounded to the nearest millennium, how old are you? — Fish on skates
0
From The Logs
09:47, 18 November 2025 DaniPine3 blocked DaniPine3 with an expiration time of 5 seconds (autoblock disabled) (requested by Turb0-Sunrise: i'm a prick who edit conflicts people for no good reason)
10:04, 16 November 2025 Alula blocked TropicalPanther with an expiration time of infinite (account creation disabled) (don't say i didn't warn you)
00:14, 19 November 2025 Alula changed block settings for TropicalPanther with an expiration time of infinite (account creation disabled, email disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (making legal threaths and stuff)
That's right! I've currently revamped the entirety of the Gerg's Shitroom issue lay-out! It should now look a bit better, and a bit more different from the UnSignpost design. I'm also planning on this to be a daily news site. That hopefully means a revival for this news site, and a way to make this way more different from the UnSignpost.
The new features of the new design are:
A weather channel
New font
Better colours (according to color theory)
More fluidity (whatever that is)
And much, much more!
With this new update, we now must decide: Which is better?
Which newspaper is better?
Please vote below. Results will be shown when you have voted. You are not entitled to view results of this poll before you have voted.
There were 4 votes since the poll was created on 15:49, 29 November 2025.
poll-id 5EC3E5ED87B7C30DDB83D843F121BB1E
Vote wisely. Or don't. Both are completely fine with me.
“The MITK BC route is almost finished. You are now able to reach a town called Saxman, which is literally right next to Ketchikan, by kayak or by raft.
I already have idea for what to do with this very last part: John should be chased by angry locals and Aracuans from Saxman into Ketchikan itself, but I'm looking for more ideas to flesh this simple concept out a bit. Who wants to be part of the Grand Finale?”
– OPOSSUM
A lot of progress has happened so far, with Gerg remixing OPOSSUM's song for the area, Turb0-Sunrise helping with some pages, and OPOSSUM being the lead developer of the area.
After a long while, six of Zana's "horrible"[note 1] templates were hell busted by Gergdown and DaniPine3. The list of hell-busted templates goes as followed:
Honestly, great article, wo-man. Great humour, and great concept, but to improve that article, you should make it longer, and add a couple more images. Congratulations on this, Fish on skates! I hope you'll write a featured article eventually!
wait, what do you mean—they already have? oh shit...
So let me get this perfectly clear. A dog has had the most votes in VFH so far. A dang DOG!WHAT THE DOG DOING??? Yes, I actually meant to say that. Sorry, let's get back on course, okay? Famous article Why?:You should not vote for my dog. Just DON'T! has got featured onto VFH with a total score of 14 votes, making it the article with the highest amount of votes received this year.[note 1] Allegedly being gay, he has somehow won the game of Uncyclopedia, probably making him end up in the Top 10 of this year. I know I was being rude to the article in the first sentence, but it's actually a pretty darn funny article. I like it! Good job Buddy (That's the dog's name) for being the best article of 2025... so far.
After uses Alula(who may or may not be DaniPine3) and Fish on skates had a conversation about my amazing and flawless formula to kill every user to maximize productivity used the letters , which kind of looked like an Undertale AU, Alula had created the worst thing to ever exist: An ASBOxAAT Undertale AU. You've heard me right: An ASBOxAAT Undertale AU. I knew people were getting stupider overtime, I just didn't have the evidence until now! Oh well. There's only one thing we can do. Ban every fucking user now.
Yes, I actually am going to send one every day.
And you can't do ANYTHING about it.
Get trolled, motherfucker!!! If the list gets long enough on your talk page, I will make a collapsible box to put them in.
I've forgotten to write this entry until the last couple minutes before I head towards my bed. But being late is better than forgetting to do it the entire day! That's why I've pumped out this entry. Because I really want to keep this daily streak of issues. Of course, I could pull a Turb0Bum by having every story being approximately... uh... two sentences long, on average. That's the actual reason why I made this competitor to the UnSignpost. It's because Turb0's an actual LaziBum.[note 1] I have SCIENCE to prove that! But we're getting off track 'ere.
So basically, I finally finished my remix of Dash of the Madman by OPOSSUM. You can listen to it on the side. That's actually what this story was supposed to be about. Sorry...
Eh, practically nothing else.
A really normal day, huh.
Yeah... not much else here... Oh well. Let's see if tomorrow will be more ACTION PACKED than today.
I would add an image of one of those SKIBIDI SIGMA PHONK 67 edits, but I resisted very easily.
Better late than never
GENTLEMEN! GENTLEWOMEN! GENTLE-NON-BINARY-FIGURES! GENTLE-ANY-OTHER-GENDER FIGURES! The world is about to end. User Fish on skates has just revealed the truth of The 67 Cabal. Yes, you heard me right, The 67 Cabal. Following the same formula as my least most favourite article User:Gergdown/DaniPine3 and Alula are the same person, The 67 cabal is a theory that states how Schism, Soviet, Ayatollah Gurkhmeini, Orangutang94, Mr. George, Curious George, Gale5050 (formerly), and the sockmaster of DaniPine3 and Alula have fallen victim to brain-rot, and by extension, the six-seven disease. This is the worst thing to ever happen. No, actually, the worst thing to ever happen was when I got my cookie snatched from me when I was 8. I've never really recovered from that...
We must hope that people recover from this disease very soon.
I have now been nominated for the big daddy award of being the Uncyclopedian of the Month. According to my calculations, you should VOTE! I don't care if you vote for or against me, but you should VOTE! I mean, you could vote for me, and you should probably do that, but I'm not forcing 'ya! Do what your heart desires. But like:
I'm cool
Read above
That should be enough reasons to voete for me. Yese, I mispeelt these sentences on perpuse. I must make my English betterly!
So is that like, a self-assassination? Like if John F. Kennedy committed suicide?
As an incident that seemed to be ignored by the greater Uncyclopedian masses, user RealDonaldTrump has banned themselves... for eight hours. After breaking one of the most used templates ({{Big}}) by not checking on... uh... what it would look like in other pages...[note 1] Thus, it was left to us, lonely users to clean up the mess. Turb0-Sunrise and I bugged RealDonaldTrump and Alula to "pretty plz revert it :3 :3 mew :3", which eventually worked after a while. The MUGA's Template advisor will now be out of their post for two days, stuck in a hole with a lot of rats according to RealDonaldTrump.
Fish on skates has been banned for about... uh... three seconds. After he used wTool—hold on, what's that... uh... noise? Hump a doody, doodity do... walking through the area of all my buzzers and alarms... Ah, I see... Misgendering has happened. Welp, since this has a death penalty charge, I'll say one last thing:
Hi, my name is Gergdy Gergdownily, and please read this issues or I die. This story has nothing to do with the events that happened. Read the UnSignpost entry about it. Yes, this is the first time I actively promote you to read the UnSignpost. Read both newspapers! Maybe I'll rename this to the Daily News, and have ANYONE edit it! Actually... that might be a good idea...
After a long time of endless typing, the list of all of Zana's templates has almost been finalized. Just a bit more, and it'll be done! Sorry that there isn't a long story today, a lot has happened. Especially writing down Zana's templates. According to the sidebar on the contributions for Zana Dark, I am officially 75% done. Since I have an hour before I head towards bed, that should be EVERY SINGLE DANG ZANA TEMPLATE listed down before the end of today. That's right: Every single one. I'll finally be free, FREE! No—this website will be free! Okay, well, technically, with one article, performance actually hasn't changed that much, it's like stopping climate change by putting a lot of wind mills everywhere and then nuking every windmill.
Oh well. Sorry for the short story. At least you can sympathize with me, right, right???
Yes... the war for the unemployed. Shit, that's called Pixelplace.
A war has begun in Forum talk:Last person to edit wins where several users have begun to spam increasingly larger large metallic text images of several emoticons, most famously . Now, honestly, I don't know wh—what. What is that doing here. What.
After ruining my sleep schedule, and after being sick, and after being on this website for over FIFTEEN FUCKING HOURS,[note 1] almost every single Zana template has been hunted down, and deleted. After working with DaniPine3 who helped with huffing several articles, I've officially become a major part in the clean-up of Zana's sometimes-ugly templates. You can see the full list of Zana's templates here. The list was finished at 1:05 UTC, at December 13th, 2025, with the template {{TAWlinks}}... which was huffed. Oh well... man, I should probably stop my Uncyclopedian addiction.
Zana's templates will be fully cleaned TOMORROW. This is a goal set by ME. Do you hear that??? ME!!!
After so long... yes, I copied this from the previous issue. I really am a LaziBum too, huh.
After my fever got worse, and after I pushed myself TO THE LIMIT! Every Zana template has been busted. I've added this part to the essay Uncyclopedia:How Zana Dark ruined the site, stating this:
“On the 6th of December, 2025, two users by the names of DaniPine3 and Gergdown brought the end to every single Zana template. After Gerg made a list of every Zana template, both users worked together to bust each and every template. Since the template remover script was broken, they had to bust every template by hand. (Most of the time, the templates that were busted just had to go through either optimization or a renaming.) At 16:37 UTC, the final template that had to be busted (Template:Cassette) was fixed and optimized by Gerg, bringing the end of Zana's reign on this website. Some tiny work still has to be done, but the seemingly impossible task of fixing every Zana template was completed.”
– That essay
Welp, I have to go to bed now. This fever is really ruining my day.
Former Uncyclopedian user Romartus has recently came back! After he left this website to join The Spoon[note 1], he has taken very long breaks from this website. The last time he edited (until now) was on April 30th, 2025, when he added a message to Leverage's talk page. But right now, on this day, this very boring day (besides the fact that my piss was orange today)[note 2], he has edited Uncyclopedia:How Zana Dark ruined the site's talk page! Due to Romartus being a long-time veteran of the website, he has had quite the experience with Zana Dark. By the way, unrelated topic, but instead of calling someone "fallen into the Dark One's grasp"[note 3], say that they fell into the Dark Side. But that's not important here or there; so here's what Romartus said:
“Interesting article about Zana Dark. Seems she saved up her worst after officially leaving the Spoon in September 2015 to come here as part of a revenge mission. Strange person.”
– Romartus
After DaniPine3 responded to his initial message, Romartus replied by saying this:
“Hello Dani Pine. Zana was an interesting writer but had serious issues with the admins of the day. Was always getting banned. Since the Fork has scrubbed her talk pages (or made it difficult to find them), a full list of her dramas are still on the Spoon. I have added a comment as it was about a user from the pre-schism days. :)”
– Romartus
Wow, she really was a dick before she even stepped foot onto this website.
The Tiny Events
NOTHING.
Nothing ever happens, bro.
So, I've devised a plan for any day that has practically no major events happening. I'll just quickly run down all the minor things that have happened today. This should keep the same integrity of what this newspaper was made for, while saving me time, and figuring out what to write when some random user shat their pants at 3 AM.
I just realized that I forgot to add an "Ask Gerg" section here.
I tell the world that I have gained the Black Death. (Well, actually, since I'm Albertan, it's actually impossible to get it here.)
My piss was brown today.
I promised to finish Vancouverite Sojourn: The Room in Back "soon".
After two months and eleven days, the end of Gerg's Shitroom is near.Gergdown has now just posted onto Turb0-Sunrise's talk page about a renaming of Gerg's Shitroom to The Daily News. The proposal states that the new newspaper will have anyone able to edit it, while keeping its daily factor. Details about where the new project is headed is scarce—not even a new page has made since. But who knows! Maybe this will overtake the UnSignpost. Probably not.
Fish on Skates becomes a lead writer on the UnSignpost
Two writers?? On the UnSignpost?? Impossible!
Occurring after a recent hiring event in which Turb0-Sunrise asked people to help him write the UnSignposts, user Fish on skates has taken the role of becoming a lead writer as well as Turb0. She has recently written the newest issue, writing three new stories in the issue. You can really see the difference in their writing styles. Go to the previous issue, and see the newest one. Oh well. Will this revive the UnSignpost? Although they have, like, ten users subscribed?
Oh Phew, It Turns Out Panther Isn't Back
Panther, apparently
I goofed up!
Turmoil was kickstarted on a Thursday afternoon after a user created a vanity article in the Philippines about YonKaGor. YonKaGor! Like Panther's obsession! And now since Panther recently got banned, it was not out of the ordinary that Panther may've come back with a sock-puppet. The user's name was FebruaryHas30Days. They were blocked by DaniPine3 since he initially thought that TropicalPanther came back. However, Alula did a bit more fact-checking (checking where the user came from), and figured out they were from the Philippines, and not South Korea, where Panther lives. Well, they aren't back. That's all you need to know.
Fuck Around and Find Out gets featured
"One more for my score", Turb0 says (probably)
Fuck Around and Find Out has been featured! That's all.
The UnSignpost wants writers, just like YOU! Please message Head ShitslingerTM Turb0-Sunrise here. You get a pair of gloves so your hands don't smell, as well as a chance to get looked at funny by your peers. Offer stands until Christmas, so hurry your ass up and get in here!
Man, where is all the action lately? It's so quiet around here. We have 180 "active" editors, but nothing's happening. I guess a MITK page got vandalized. Gerg updated the Shitroom design, but other than that, nothing really.
RealDonaldTrump, resident President and one of our template experts, managed to break a very important template. After making an edit to Template:Big, something happened. Hundreds of pages only displaying numbers where there once was big text. After a message to Alula, it was fixed and now everything is fine again.[citation needed]
We've switched to a new numerical system for identifying issues. It should work better for me, and also cuts down on bytes when messaging, albeit only by a few.
Don't take this too seriously. Fish on skates just wants to let you know that you did something silly, which may or may not include blanking LPTEW AND this very talk page.
you're the reason gammakid's mad at the unsignpost now. also, good news, you're now the one who sends out the damn thing also i made a templateTurb0-Sunrise de la Merry Christmas 22:09, 19 December 2025 (UTC)
so that's what happened when I was gone --DameFish on skatesCUN 22:44, 19 December 2025 (UTC)
Just when we least expected it, Walbro has come back and created two new articles with ridiculously long titles mentioning Donald Trump and MrX. Turb0-Sunrise listed both for QVFD and told all on LPTEW, saying that he "FUCKIN' PREDICTED IT". Worst 100 Reflections on 2025 was updated accordingly.
Remember the first issue I wrote, when I said, "Looks like Taylor Swift got engaged to the whole team"? Well there may need to be a breakup song soon. Interception, boom, they're out of the playoffs. Suck it, walrus.
Recently, 6-7 on Uncyclopedia has been getting out of hand. It first started with 6-7 UnNews articles then the 6-7 article and finally the Forum to ban 6-7. The banning of 6-7 was decided by a vote with three 6-7 opposers arguing that there was way too much 6-7 and three people for 6-7. Thus 6-7 stayed.
On A story built one word at a time, relative newcomer and drug dealer Gammakid999 mentioned me, yes ME in their edit summaries, asking why I got blocked and where the UnSignpost was. This makes two times that I have been mentioned by name in ASBOWAAT. And yes, I did get blocked again. I requested it just like Gerg did when he took an uncyclobreak.
Biopic
Let me tell you a story. A story about a town down on the river, where there's a bunch of Dirty Water. You see, this area is home to the species known as Turb0s. This species is also commonly found in ASBOSAAT. It is a yellow sphere with hairy legs, huge penises, and a big blue cap. GO SOX! FUCK THE YANKEES! YANKEES SUCK!
18:22, 13 December 2025 DaniPine3 (talk | contribs) protected 6-7 (meme) [Edit=Allow only autoconfirmed users] (indefinite) [Move=Allow only autoconfirmed users] (indefinite) (preventing potential vandalism from 6 to 7 years old kids)
"Vandalism. This vandalism only exists to increase the number of people who have vandalized this page. If I do get banned, then there will be a ratio of 6:3. If I don't get banned, there will be a ratio of 6:2. I'm Gerg, and I vandalized Turb0's user page. Not because of any spite, but because I wanted to increase the number of people who have vandalized this page (6). In fact, thank you Turb0 for editing my article (Edit farm). Well, I'm not Gerg. I have body swapped with a 10 year old. I don't know where I am, but I hate it here. I'm 10, and I miss my mommy. I love the parts of movies that contain feet. That's right, I'm 10 and I'm horny for feet. I ejaculate, and I'm 10! Sadly, in this body, I feel like I'm about to puke it after I said that, meaning that this person that I've swapped with needs to improve their horniness positivity. Oh well. How long can I extend this manifesto? Oh well. Ass. Ass. Ass. Boobies. Aw dang, it's getting late, mate! Oh well. Is Turb0 even awake? Who knows! Can he even revert this? Who knows!
Please revert this." — Gerg
Notes
Also, don't ask what I did with the GS... 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 00:08, 20 December 2025 (UTC)
just realized i forgot to send this to ya[edit source]
TREATY OF CHALGARY
FOR ALL USERS WHO HAVE FOUGHT IN CHANADA, to preserve the integrity of this site to be a website where we collaborate, not fight (sometimes), to give this edit war an end to truly free its soul, to give me some spare time to work on my projects, and for us to go back to our regular duties, this treaty shall be signed by all members of this war. This document, much like the Armistice of Chanada, will be sent to all of the Purple Leaf Fighters, those being:
Chanada counts as pixels from Q-1, to 6-9 (nice!).
ARTICLE 2: MISCELLANEOUS CLARIFICATIONS
Alaska counts as pixels from V-14, to 6-24.
ARTICLE 3-6: BORDER TREATIES
ARTICLE 3: CANADIAN LAND
The members of the purple leaf banner must agree to the previous Armistice of Chanada. All fighting that has been committed to the fields of Chanada shall end when this treaty shall be signed. Furthermore, Gergdown will agree to reconstruct Chanada. No vandalistic behaviour from all parties who have signed this treaty shall be placed in the lands of Chanada (See Article 1 for more information), unless Gergdown approves of the project, or it is the purple pixel stated in Article 5.
ARTICLE 4: OPERATION ROCKY
Operation Rocky, originally called Operation Clean Up, shall be committed throughout the week for user Gergdown to clean up the scars that have been placed in Chanada. All members must agree and acknowledge that this operation will begin tomorrow, and all purple leaf fighters shall not interfere with it.
ARTICLE 5: PURPLE PIXEL LEGITIMACY
All users who will sign this document must agree that there shall be one purple pixel at coordinates X-9.
ARTICLE 6: ALASKA
The purple leaf fighters will have the ability to fight in Alaska, securing it as a purple hold-out. If Operation Rocky is completed, Gergdown shall join in the purplization of Alaska.
ARTICLE 7-9: AIBOPAAT/BIG
ARTICLE 7: CANADIAN LAND IN AIBOPAAT/BIG
All Canadian pixels from 0-50 to G-64 shall be declared Canadian land in AIBOPAAT/Big. The same rules from article 3 shall apply to this.
ARTICLE 8: PURPLE LEAF COMPROMISE
Gergdown will recognize the purple leaf flag to the right of the Canadian flag in AIBOPAAT/Big.
ARTICLE 9: OLD CANADIAN FLAG PROJECT
Fish on skates' old project to recreate the top-left of AIBOPAAT in AIBOPAAT/Big, including the Chanadian flag, will have the Chanadian flag excluded.
ARTICLE 10: FURTHER DISCUSSIONS
Further discussions will be held about the future of Chanada at this subpage's talk page. If you are unsatisfied with this treaty, you may talk there.
You may be blocked from editing without further warning the next time you disrupt Uncyclopedia, as you did at Forum:Last person to edit wins. If you keep doing this, I'll huff... and puff... and BLOW YOU OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!! (Also, this is just a Redwarn test.)🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 00:44, 22 December 2025 (UTC)
Congratulations, young soldiers, into the fight on improving templates. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 04:36, 22 December 2025 (UTC)
they doc on my template till i ASBOWAAT --DameFish on skatesCUN 20:17, 22 December 2025 (UTC)
You're Icarus and I'm Daedalus, y'see? I gave you those wax wings and you're gonna fly high to be a real boy! Soon, you're gonna kill the minotaur. And then you'll have a sea named after you! 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 22:10, 22 December 2025 (UTC)
i know how the rest of that story goes... Icarus flies too close to the sun because he didn't give Daedalus thumbsucker or something --DameFish on skatesCUN 22:14, 22 December 2025 (UTC)
Don't take this too seriously. DaniPine3 just wants to let you know that you did something really gay, which may or may not include because my userpages is linked to UnSignpost, now I'm getting pinged every time you delivery it to someone's talkpage.... 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 00:45, 25 December 2025 (UTC)
I've been here only a few months, but these few have been amazing. Lots of laughs, 5 featured articles, YANKEES SUCK, and so much more.
Through hundreds of rollbacks, so much has changed since July. New users, A fewoldones coming back, and a whole lot of moccasins. As the sun sets on another year, do remember that I'm under the mistletoe right now. :3
Lovingly yours,[nuh uh]
Don't take this too seriously. Alula just wants to let you know that you did something really gay, which may or may not include pinging me 10 times while delivering the USP
Greetings Fish on skates! So I mighte try to baneth myself for a week to just focus on the Priest Goofball mod... if I do actually do that, uh... can you take over?
Yep! The first issue of The Daily News is out now! If it wasn't, you wouldn't be reading it. Duh. After being started on September 30th by a singular user, this simple shitpost quickly grew to be in competition with the UnSignpost, then to be merged with the UnSignpost, to finally being a direct subpage of the UnSignpost with a renaming and a complete revamp of everything.
Will this new busines – er, I mean passion project be successful? Or will a second blockbuster hit the Uncyclopedian servers? Learn more in the Future!
This is what the game looks like. Lots of fucking everywhere.
Would Oooga booga: A New Way Home be the name of the sequel? By Gergdown
That's right! To end of the season, user OPOSSUM has released the game UnGames:OBS 9000BC. Well, it's actually called the OOGA BOOGA SIMULATOR 9000 B.C., but OBS is a nicer acronym, and it also has the same acronym as the video recording software. The game has you put yourself in the shoes of a tribesman named Hooga-Chaka who must defend his tribe from an attacking tribe. The setting takes place in a now-sunken part of the Bering Strait. As of now, only OPOSSUM is allowed to edit it, according to the rules. Will this be as grand as Escape from Ojai? Probably not. That's what he said, actually.
@Soviet: here's another, also that's what happens when the USP gets delivered SirTurb0-Sunrisede laBoston 19:49, 31 December 2025 (UTC)
@Soviet: Whoever created the newest UnSignpost entry used {{U}} instead of {{No ping}} for your username. That's why. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 19:50, 31 December 2025 (UTC)
it was the template all along.. --DameFish on skatesCUN 19:56, 31 December 2025 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, gerg? As we all know, the correct way of spelling issue is issue!!! Obviously not tissue!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, gerg. --DameFish on skatesCUN 19:57, 31 December 2025 (UTC)
@Fish on skates: You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, fish? As we all know, the correct way of spelling skill tissue is skill tissue!!! Obviously not skill issue!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, fish. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 19:58, 31 December 2025 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Gerg? As we all know, the correct way of spelling fish is fish!!! Obviously not gerg!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Gerg. --DameFish on skatesCUN 19:59, 31 December 2025 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Fish? As we all know, the correct way of spelling fish is fish!!! Obviously not gerg!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Fish. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 20:01, 31 December 2025 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Gerg? As we all know, the correct way of spelling dumb is dumb!!! Obviously not dumbassary!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Gerg. --DameFish on skatesCUN 20:03, 31 December 2025 (UTC)
Mugshot 1
Ladies and gentlemen—it's about time I pull the wool from your sheeple's eyes and reveal the truth that nobody has told you yet. Nobody has told you it—because it's under layers and layers of secrecy, layers and layers of plot holes, conspiracy, Mikeness, and much, much more. That's right—users Fish on skates and Turb0-Sunrise are, in fact, the same person. This theory is long and explains several other plot holes in the story of Uncyclopedia Chapter 20. In fact, according to my hypothesis, OPOSSUM was right about Turb0-Sunrise making so many Deltarune references, Pluey is the secret boss of Deltarune Chapter 5, and how, in fact, Gergdown is actually Toby Fox.
I know! I know! I get it! You may think I'm crazy! Some guy claiming that these two very different people are actually the same person, and one of them is a sockpuppet? Very damn crazy, amirite? But the more you listen to me, the less you'll think that I'm a Lunatic, and the more you'll see that I'm right. I'm right, you're wrong. You are always wrong.
So without further ado, now begins my chime to begin my really long fucking analysis about the fact that you guys continuously refuse to believe: The fact that Fish on skates and Turb0-Sunrise are the same people. Or that OPOSSUM and Fish on skates are fucking with each other... that's kinda vague on the details.
So it turns out, birds and deer have a symbiotic relationship with each other.[3] Now, since I'm an EPIC NERD GAMER, I know what that means. But if you don't, the animals can basically work together to give each other nutrients. The bird and the deer are mutual to each other. They're mutualist creatures. (That's not a word.) But if you were to look deeper, the Nightjar bird actually also has a symbiotic relationship with goats. That's right—Turb0-Sunrise is a Nightjar bird working together with a goat, who's Fish on skates. It all connects. After all, Asgore (the man who is on the truck) is a boy, and Dess (who is being run over) is a girl. Fish on skates is a boy, and Turb0-Sunrise is a girl. IT ALL CONNECTS!
It actually doesn't, though, because Fish on skates and Turb0-Sunrise are the same person, so this theory makes no sense. After all, you can't run over yourself.
So, if you were to look back on Archive 41 on LPTEW, you'd see some very strange text.
OOHHHH LOOK AT THIS TEXT IT IS SO UNREADABLE AND MYSTERIOUS. WAIT NO DON'T READ THE SOURCE CODE
This is the font Wingdings. Mostly known for being one letter off from being Wing Dongs, this is the font spoken by the mysterious entity from Undertale: W. D. Gaster. Notably, he is the ONLY character to speak in this font, as shown in the hidden Entry 17 that is hidden in the game files. Oh yeah—you can't really get W. D. Gaster normally. He'll appear once per one hundred games. Key note, though: He is associated with the number 6. He only appears on FUN value 66. His followers only appear throughout numbers 60-65. Oh, and also, if you were wondering, the text translates to:
“OOHHHH LOOK AT THIS TEXT IT IS SO UNREADABLE AND MYSTERIOUS. WAIT NO DON'T READ THE SOURCE CODE”
– Turb0-Sunrise
If you weren't convinced that Turb0-Sunrise is Wing Gaster, look at the text Fish on skates sent.
Mugshot 2
HI IT'S ME WING GASTER THE ROYAL SCIENTIST ALSO KNOWN AS THE MAN WHO SPEAKS IN HANDS
More wingdings. Seemingly innocent though, right? WRONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! If you were to translate this text, using a Wingdings translator online (which, is easier said than done), or if you just look inside the source code of the forum, it shows THIS:
“HI IT'S ME WING GASTER THE ROYAL SCIENTIST ALSO KNOWN AS THE MAN WHO SPEAKS IN HANDS”
– Fish on skates
Both speak in Wingdings.
Both speak in hands.
Both are W. D. Gaster.
It really makes sense, y'know? Sans alluded in one Tumblr post that he made[4] to one enemy being two things, and, well, if you went in-game, there was this enemy that appeared as one, but was actually two enemies! And plus, he also alluded to Gaster, stating, "it'd be rude to talk about someone who's listening." A man who fell into his own creation, scattered across time and space, as an observer. It all connects! And since Sans has some knowledge of Gaster, it's not surprising that the two things phrase refers to Gaster. Two sides of the same coin. After all, his sprite, titled "spr_mysteryman.png" has two faces. One at the top, and if you were to flip the image upside-down, it appears as another face. It was why Turb0-Sunrise acted so vigorously about the "man.ogg" sounding waltz I made, as Fish on skates didn't respond... at all. At all for a month, actually, coincidentally after that. Coincidence? I think not.
This one is lacklustre at first glance, but if you look at it a bit further, it actually makes a bit more sense.
Gergdown and Toby Fox are both New Englanders.
Both lived in New Hampshire for a good portion of their lives.
Actually, Toby Fox studied at Boston, and conceived Undertale and Deltarune there.
There was another key point of evidence that is a bit vague, but still counts. I remember reading one time on X about some random gal's opinion about how Toby Fox hated his western audience. I thought that was absurd... but the more I think about it, if Gergdown is a person who has a... er... distaste towards the Deltarune Clique, doesn't that mean they hate their western audience? Norway and Spain are both in the western sphere of influence, after all. Also: Toby Fox really likes Dirty Water.[5] My evidence? Telepathic Toby said it in my dreams.[6]
Well, we have to go over all the evidence. After all, I stated this theory covers how Pluey is the secret boss of Chapter number 5! Well, you see, Pluey was first mentioned whenever Toby Fox mentioned him, and practically, he's a guy I think? Nobody actually knows who Pluey is. But, when Chapters 3 + 4 released, it was revealed to what Pluey was: A fucking minigame.
But that never sat right with me. Why mention Pluey specifically? Actually, all of the Chapter 4 minigames were mentioned on Noelle Holiday's blog[7], including Pluey. But look at the names. Pluey, Battat, and Jongler. Jongler is a play on the word jongleur, a word for a someone who's good at juggling. But look at the other two names—Pluey and Battat. Now, if you replace the B in Battat with an M, and replace the second T in Battat with a P...
MATPAT
Which, if you didn't know, is a real person. So who is Pluey?
Fish on skates and Turb0-Sunrise are both the same person: The remnants of W.D. Gaster. Actually, if you think about it for one second, Turb0-Sunrise (the bird creature from OneShot) has a blue feathery appearance in the game. You know who else is blue? Sans.[8] You know who has a red signature? Fish on skates. You know who's red? Papyrus. Now, these comparisons seem implausible, but really, think about it. W.D. Gaster is named after a font: Wingdings. You know who else speaks in a font? Sans and Papyrus. After all, they are literally named after their fonts. That's right: Turb0-Sunrise is Sans (and by extension, remember You're genocides), and Fish on skates is Papyrus. I mean, Fish on skates seems more cheerful than Turb0-Sunrise, who is more serious (but more intelligent, and I'm saying this as a nerd-ly NERD!), much like their Undertale counterparts. After all, Sans does know he's in a video game. (We don't know about Papyrus, unless they're the ROARING KNIGHT from Deltarune, in which, yes, they do know.) Turb0-Sunrise has a higher role in the Uncyclopedian community, = more knowledge. Fish on skates, only sitting as a lonely user, has less knowledge about their surroundings. IT ALL CONNECTS!
Therefore, Sans = Turb0-Sunrise. Papyrus = Fish on skates. Sans + Papyrus = Gaster. CASE CLOSED!
okay, so I've been reading your theory, and I have to say: I admit it, I am W. D. Gaster. you got me. --DameFish on skatesCUN 20:10, 31 December 2025 (UTC)
The Priest Goofball Beta is finished, lunatic! You've officially lost this bet. As punishment, you must join Roblox and play Cart Ride into MPreg Tenna. The link of the game is here: [2]. FAILURE TO DO SO WILL RESULT IN A BONKING.🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 03:13, 1 January 2026 (UTC)
Sadly, no, I'm not involved in smots gaming at all. It's a Celeste meme channel that posts videos named smots gaming about a specific modded room (also called smots gaming due to the channel). ARandomPage, also named Space (ARandomTalkPage) (ARandomContributionsPage) 04:50, 2 January 2026 (UTC)
oh cool. i've never played Celeste but might check it out sometime --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 04:52, 2 January 2026 (UTC)
UnSignpost delivery for January 1, 2026[edit source]
After having my the UnSignpost stolen revived by Turb0-Sunrise and Fish on skates, going on monthly month-long hiatuses for 3 years (what do you mean it's been 3 years since I was active???), and forgetting Uncyclopedia's existence despite frequently lurking in its discord server, I have forgotten how to write an UnSignpost. How do I use the template (which I myself modified back in 2022)? What do all these inputs mean? How do I write things? I'm quite sure the UnSignpost wrapper used to be centered! What's even happening in this site these days? AAAAAAAAA!
Anyway, it should be January 2026 for everyone here, right? ... Right? So, first UnSignpost of the year goes to me. I sure do love collecting meaningless achievements and titles!
...gosh, what do I even do here anymore? What am I allowed to put in this signpost, again?
As it is now 2026, the possibility for tomorrow to be the release day of Deltarune Chapter 5 has become existent once more. Despite the halfway mark of their game having been attained, new chapters are not likely to stop the insanity of Deltarune fans. Assuming Chapter 5 is not shadow-dropped and instead has a release date announced, the world will once again have a day where "tomorrow" means "the day after today" instead of "the day a new chapter of Deltarune releases". Once that happens, there will only be up to 2 Deltarune Tomorrows until the world's concept of tomorrow returns to something that doesn't always mean Deltarune.
Biopic
I don't know what a biopic is
From The Logs
*plant noises.ogg*
*animal noises.ogg*
Oh, it meant stuff like Special:Log and stuff. Well, gotta use these sounds I recorded from inside a literal log somehow. We're keeping it in.
pull the "the bruins beat the oilers last night" clause and gerg might not make you play those games SirTurb0-Sunrisede laBoston 23:24, 1 January 2026 (UTC)
Turb0 doesn't have to play those games because he's from Boston, and his team won. On the other hand, you are NOT from Boston, and still must play those games. You is dump, I am shart. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 23:31, 1 January 2026 (UTC)
This is your only warning; if you remove or blank page contents or templates without giving a valid reason for removal in the edit summary again, as you did at A word built one story at a time, you may be blocked from editing without further notice. (JOKE)SirTurb0-Sunrisede laBoston 18:06, 5 January 2026 (UTC)
Yes, you will. Also, the current winner is somehow Alula, because Gergdown and Dani have already suffered the same fate as you. Turb0 hasn't done all that much yet. OᑭöᔑᔑᙀᙏHey, that tickles!(vandalize my talk page) 23:08, 11 January 2026 (UTC)
the perfect time to reveal that i'm a sock of alula --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 23:10, 11 January 2026 (UTC)
i'm waiting for everybody to get out so i run alone also i'm telling gerg GeneralTurb0-SunriseofBoston 14:15, 12 January 2026 (UTC)
I have written my first article, promethium please tell me how bad it is. Deemox (talk) 18:05, 14 January 2026 (UTC)
interesting angle, kind of reminds me of Poop Loop. although it's a bit short and needs an image or two --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 18:19, 14 January 2026 (UTC)
thank you for the image. I don't actually know how to get images into the thing but I will figure it out.Deemox (talk) 19:07, 14 January 2026 (UTC)
I want you for the Uncyclopedia Marshals Service! You have been invited to join the Uncyclopedia Marshals Service! If you choose to accept, you will recieve a free pair of aviators and free donuts. Let's make Uncyclopedia even better!
Is it necessary to distinguish? I'm pretty sure there's a parser function that makes the userbox change pronouns according to the user's preferences, so there doesn't need to be different userboxes for different genders. Plus, there are also non-binary trans people. 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 23:06, 15 January 2026 (UTC)
oh ok. they can be deleted, i don't really care about stuff i spork --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 23:33, 15 January 2026 (UTC)
As you may know, Fish on skates, the land of Uncyclopedia has never been sunrises and rainbows. It has been conflict after conflict after conflict, with no end in sight. Thus, we've neglected the most important parts of our website: Maintanence. Crappy templates, pages that have grammatical errors to the point that a dog could've wrote it better... oh, I think Elon said that about USAID. That is why I am inviting you to AGENDA 2026.
Agenda 2026 is a project that I've made to try to fix these areas of the website. This website has enough crap on it to sink a very shitty battleship! So say it with me folks! We gotta clean up this website.
WHAT TO DO?
You may clean up any of the articles/templates in these categories. Our goal is to get these categories empty (or as low as possible) by February 28th.
YOU MAY ALSO POST THIS TO SOMEONE ELSE'S TALK PAGE! The revolution must spread.
WHAT DO I GET?
As of right now, all you'll get if you join is a cookie. BUT, if this gets large enough, then I'll make a userbox, and maybe an entire userspace page for it. If you do indeed join, all I have to say is thank you, brah. From, A Random Guy Miles Away From You
Probably should've learned how to spell "invitation"... but whatever. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 23:07, 24 January 2026 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Gerg? As we all know, the correct way of spelling invitation is invitation!!! Obviously not invintation!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Gerg. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 23:08, 24 January 2026 (UTC)
@Fish on skates: Holy shit, that's hilarious. Will be going on Gergpedia. Anyway, do you want to join THE REVOLUTION?🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 00:09, 25 January 2026 (UTC)
I wrote another article, and personally, I think it's actually funny. and not the kind of funny where it's not actually funny but you say it is ironically. I now know more about Charles Carroll of Carrollton than anybody really should. Deemox (talk) 20:00, 26 January 2026 (UTC)
Hello, Fish on skates, and welcome to the Communist Revolution! We hope require you'll be happy throughout all the fun events we'll go through in this journey! As of 18:41, Monday, March 23, 2026 (UTC), our current goals are to:
You may clean up any of the articles/templates in these categories. Our goal is to get these categories empty (or as low as possible) by February 28th.
Since you are now a member of the Revolution, you may add this template to your user page:
This user has joined the Communist Revolution as a Recruit to spread Communism across this website!
If you need the link to our headquarters, you may check out the Agenda 2026 forum! That is where we'll discuss about the next region of Uncyclopedia to conquer. People who help with our next liberation of the people will recieve a biscuit, and an increase of their rank! You might even join the Supreme Soviet of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics! HAHA!!! JUST KIDDING!!! Now go fix some pages for Papa Gergdown. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 14:39, 27 January 2026 (UTC)
You added this to QVFD for being a "broken redirect", but I've checked it and it isn't redirecting anywhere and has some content to it. Do you still want it deleted? 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 19:06, 27 January 2026 (UTC)
Space Debris will very likely be huffed[edit source]
Have you moved it to Illogicopedia already? or do you want some time to do so before I huffe it from the face of the wiki? 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 17:29, 28 January 2026 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Fish? As we all know, the correct way of spelling Uncyclopedia screenshots is Uncyclopedia screenshots!!! Obviously not Uncyclopedia s!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Fish. SirTurb0-Sunrisede laBoston 01:29, 29 January 2026 (UTC)
we normally don't welcome people until they have a few edits, so we can decide if they need the Oh Dear template SirTurb0-Sunrisede laBoston 01:42, 29 January 2026 (UTC)
guys i am now officially REDACTED years old. so old.Deemox (talk) 15:50, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
wait whats wrong with the spoon, it looks normal and the history is clear...? maybe im blind (possible) MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 16:04, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
hot damn! i'm impressed tbh. a shame i finally cleaned up my user page, but that could work for my talk page... MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 17:19, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
I just realized I completely missed olympia in MITK and there's so much shit can someone please help me with this. I am so tired and it's my birthday and this is pretty much my job now. I really dont wanna just give up on this project though and if Olympia doesn't get done I will procrastinate and never finish this thing. please help. If you really don't wanna do this, I completely understand, as the program kinda sucks, but I really need help with this. your name will be put in big text at the top of the map if you help. all I really need is someone to help map out olympia, and there's save codes next to the checkpoints if you need those. help. Deemox (talk) 17:29, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
i don't have a paid account so i can't actually place anything --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 17:34, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
ok i'm on it on a school account thingie, so if you go to a school, try using that email to make an account. No I will not look at the email of that account. Although I don't know if you are in school or not. If not that's fine. Deemox (talk) 18:01, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
ah yes, it does seem the first letter of the first name and last name of my human alias was attached my account. Deemox (talk) 20:02, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
i have a plan: i tell you guys what the routes are through the comments (those aren't limited) and all you have to do is turn it into shapes --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 20:14, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
that sounds like it is going to take forever. I'm just gonna take a break for a few days. Deemox (talk) 20:19, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
ok this is completely unrelated but I found this quote from wikipedia incredibly funny. Yeah. that's the point. It's offensive
going into the store that only sells shrimp and complaining of too much shrimp --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 20:34, 2 February 2026 (UTC)
hey I need help with something. I just finished writing my article for Tide pods, thing is though, it's under Tide pods, with pods uncapitalized. how do I move the page to be under Tide Pods or at least make Tide Pods redirect to Tide pods? Deemox (talk) 15:19, 3 February 2026 (UTC)
go to more and then move and then type in whatever you want the new title to be --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 15:37, 3 February 2026 (UTC)
ok thank you. what do you think of the article? Do I need more ways to cook tide pods? also, I was surprised that it didn't exist already, so I just went with the obvious joke. Deemox (talk) 15:50, 3 February 2026 (UTC)
idk maybe like a section about use as a cleaning product, except it's said to be as dangerous as eating tide pods irl is. flipping the expectation on its head-like. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 16:03, 3 February 2026 (UTC)
ok that is very funny, I will do that. Deemox (talk) 16:08, 3 February 2026 (UTC)
as is usual with me, it got existential. Don't use Tide Pods as laundry detergent kids. the effects are unfathomable. Deemox (talk) 16:26, 3 February 2026 (UTC)
I have now gone to every page with "tide pods" in it and added a link to my article. yay.Deemox (talk) 17:25, 3 February 2026 (UTC)
i should go to every article with "big shot" and link to my stub article. yay --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 17:26, 3 February 2026 (UTC)
THE JUMBO WHALE RISES! Then falls to smash you.[edit source]
MEGA SMASHA!
You've been squished by a jimbo whale!
Please take this very seriously: Turb0-Sunrise wants to let you know that you did something jimbo silly, which may or may not include creating Wikipedia oops sorry, wrong person. Your reasoning for being smashed by a whale is: jesus christ that's a big M 18:18, 4 February 2026 (UTC).
she wanted a really bad signature and i gave her what she asked for. the K is in a {{Mosquito}} template --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 19:31, 4 February 2026 (UTC)
THE JUMBO WHALE RISES! Then falls to smash you.[edit source]
MEGA SMASHA!
You've been squished by a jimbo whale!
Please take this very seriously: Turb0-Sunrise wants to let you know that you did something jimbo silly, which may or may not include creating Wikipedia oops sorry, wrong person. Your reasoning for being smashed by a whale is: mk told me to 19:34, 4 February 2026 (UTC).
THE JUMBO WHALE RISES! Then falls to smash you.[edit source]
MEGA SMASHA!
You've been squished by a jimbo whale!
Please take this very seriously: Turb0-Sunrise wants to let you know that you did something jimbo silly, which may or may not include creating Wikipedia oops sorry, wrong person. Your reasoning for being smashed by a whale is: whaled me 19:37, 4 February 2026 (UTC).
Don't take this too seriously. Turb0-Sunrise just wants to let you know that you did something silly, which may or may not include HAVEN'T OVERUSED THIS! 19:40, 4 February 2026 (UTC)
Don't take this too seriously. Turb0-Sunrise just wants to let you know that you did something silly, which may or may not include whacking me with a trout for whacking you with a trout 19:43, 4 February 2026 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Fish? As we all know, the correct way of spelling |q4 is |q4!!! Obviously not q4!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Fish. 21:54, 4 February 2026 (UTC)
I have written six articles now am I still a noob or do I need to get that number up into the thousands? Deemox (talk) 17:33, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
i suggest working on articles in your userspace before moving them to mainspace (User:Deemox/Whatever your article is called) so they can be worked on without the risk of getting deleted. i also recommend pee review in case you want specific advice on making articles funnier. it's about quality and not quantity in my opinininininininininininion --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 18:20, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
I AM THE (self-proclaimed) PISS-MASTER OF PEE REVIEW!!! (only because I'm the only one who uses that feature anymore) send yonder article to be pissed upon, and pissed upon it shall be... MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 18:59, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
how exactly do I do that? I tried doing the pee review thing and I couldn't get it to work. Deemox (talk) 20:00, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
you see the box at the bottom of the pee review page? that's where you type in the name of the article you want reviewed. you can also put {{PeeReview}} at the top of the page --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 20:03, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
done. I didn't do it before because the word "pee" is blocked on my computer. Deemox (talk) 20:12, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
how the hell are you this good at saying such out of pocket shit. "it's like walking into the shrimp store and complaining because too much shrimp" like, why shrimp? this isn't an insult by the way, it takes skill to be this random.Deemox (talk) 20:44, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
being skilled at being random is exactly how i became WOTY 20:48, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
i stole the shrimp one from a youtube comments section (probably stolen from something else) --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 20:50, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
Eh, this world is an ourobourous. At least I'm pretty sure that's how that's spelled. The snake that eats itself. That thing. Deemox (talk) 20:56, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
Also I'm on my small computer so I can't really write properly. Deemox (talk) 20:57, 5 February 2026 (UTC)
welp the weird website i used to play cookie clicker went down, so i guess i gotta be a person again. i have my save file backed up at least so i can load that when i have access to an actual computer. Deemox (talk) 13:17, 10 February 2026 (UTC)
|
Deemox has awarded you a cookie! please for the love of God take the cookie I have too fucking many of them. actually, take ten billion cookies. pretend this says ten billion cookies. oh god there's more.
Deemox has awarded you a cookie! OH GOD THERES 100 BILLION COOKIES HELP THERES TOO MANY COOKIES I CANT SPEND THE COOKIES FAST ENOUGH TO GET RID OF THEM OH GOD PLEASE HELP
THE GRANDMAS ARE REVOLTING OH NO I CANT PAY THEM WITH ANYTHING BUT COOKIESDeemox (talk) 15:15, 11 February 2026 (UTC)
i wonder who's controlling those news tickers --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 15:26, 11 February 2026 (UTC)
maybe if I spend 50 bil on 10 more grandmas it will go away.Deemox (talk) 15:28, 11 February 2026 (UTC)
they literally are .9% of my cps it is not worth buying them. I mean they do boost my other buildings a bit which is nice. they also all have funny outfits. Deemox (talk) 15:30, 11 February 2026 (UTC)
I'm halfway to a billion cookies per second. I've baked 1.63 trillion cookies total. I have over 600 buildings. I can also use cookie magic and I need to invest in various cookie ingredients in the cookie stock market. yes the cookies stocks are crashing.Deemox (talk) 15:34, 11 February 2026 (UTC)
i just got a cookie clot from a spell backfire so now my cps is halved for 15 minutesDeemox (talk) 15:36, 11 February 2026 (UTC)
if you have a cookie clicker handy I can give you my save file if you wanna look at it. the save file is a massive string but you could just remove it from here after you are done.Deemox (talk) 15:50, 11 February 2026 (UTC)
This isn't a joke. We actually VFD'd an FA! Taylor Swift's "psy-op", an article[duh] created by alleged AI-writer Tranvit, has been fuckedbaleeted tossed down that super deep hole in Russia or wherever it is on VFD. MrX briefly lost his shit over it, before everybody seemingly forgot about it all. What were we talking about?
On LPTEW, Fish on skates started complaining about Turb0-Sunrise's constant edit conflicts. Both of them complained like 5-year-olds to DaniPine3, when ColonelKurtz decided to hold a fair trial, hearing both sides. Upon hearing both sides, Kurtz decided Turb0's description of the events wasn't detailed enough, at which point Fish threatened him. Hockey salmon was there too, for some reason. As with all court cases, it eventually came down to more angry five-year-old arguing. Aside from arguing, highlights include God making an appearance, confirming his secret gay relationship with Satan.
So. Uhh. Yeah. You probably know what a sitenotice is. Those things nobody looks at and dismisses as soon as they pop up. Well MrX had the bright idea to parody Wikipedia's 25 year anniversary. I made the editnotice, MrX made some tweaks, and long story short, my work is on every page of this website.[note 1]
Dani's revision of the original drawing. The horrors... nice tits on it though...
Fish's reply. Not to be confused with GlitchyZorua, the topic of the biopic, even though the damn wrapper puts it in the biopic section and i don't feel like adding more whitespace to this fucking thing to make it not in the biopic, even though this ridiculous rant is causing way more whitespace than should be allowed in an average UnSignpost issue
Demon spawning ground and local dumbassery[note 2] LPTEW has spawned yet another monstrosity, this time in the form of a moe personality of LPTEW itself. Fish on skates began the horrors, mentioning it in a completely unrelated thing, only for DaniPine3 to create an eldritch abomination beyond the wildest dreams of Satan himself.
These creations were met with mixed reactions, with GlitchyZorua calling for them to be killed with fire, ColonelKurtz having a stroke, Turb0-Sunrise forcing Fish to give hers red socks, and somebody masturbating. I heard it. It was in the broom closet.
If you see these creatures, seek medical attention immediately. You will likely die if exposed to these creatures for long periods of time. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
The week is upon us. Forest Fire Week. BURN THE SHIT! BURN IT! MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Biopic
There's a place in France or somewhere. They say there's nude dancing. Sounds like fun. This has nothing to do with GlitchyZorua, who is honestly great. They don't do much actual writing, but they're around. Mostly on VFD, but if you hide in the dark corners of MrX's talk page, Zorua'll be there.
10:57, 7 February 2026 Alula blocked DaniPine3 with an expiration time of 7 minutes and 5 seconds (account creation disabled) (Felt like it)
11:02, 7 February 2026 DaniPine3 blocked Alula with an expiration time of 1 hour and 8 minutes (account creation disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (Payback >:[)
11:10, 7 February 2026 Alula unblocked Alula(it's not very effective...)
11:12, 7 February 2026 Alula blocked DaniPine3 with an expiration time of 3 seconds (account creation disabled) (DaniPi3)
14:08, 9 February 2026 Alula blocked 50.206.73.246 with an expiration time of 1 day (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (pay attention in class you idiot)
If your talkpage doesn't have some weird CSS on it,*cough* MKyou may be noticing that the good[citation needed] ol' USP looks a bit different. We've revamped[note 3] some stuff in the back.
First off, if you look at the super fucking old issuses, you'll see a little thing next to the issue number. We brought that back. Then we split the heading thingy in half. It doesn't do much, but it looks nicer. Then we put the heading in a box. Looks so fucking nice. Now we put the WHOLE THING in a bo- excuse me...
oh, oh,OH!
Where were we?
Quote(s) of the Week
“usiong hHE POWER OF NTO CORERCTINT WORDS I WILL UNCYCLEOPEDIA A MAJROR STROEK AND THEN TO STOP THE STOPKE THEY WWKKWKKWWKWKWKWKWJWWJ”
– ColonelKurtz
“I'd rather be Spamton, because back then he had a giant TV sugar daddy.”
Huge update to the code behind the scenes, allowing me to do more in less effort if it wasn't for the stupid es5 restrictions to post it as a gadget!
This update will not roll out automatically, you will need to "opt in" manually. To do so you need to first remove the line of code in your common.js file where you import wTools, then you need to enable it in prefrences, in the gadgets tab, under "Maintenance gadgets".
You can go back to the old version at any time if the update has bugs, and please be sure to report bugs, since a very large quantity of code has been changed.
Temporarily removed features in 2.0:
Custom editor screen.
"Rollback all" and "rollback selected" on contribution pages.
If you are still using these, the upgrade might not be for you right now. (Special:Nuke exists for admins for the second one).
You can see the full list changes made by clicking the blue dot at the bottom right of your screen. Though to sum it up:
Should have a few less bugs.
New button to add to VFD.
Hope you enjoy the update, and yes the internet went out again 5 minutes before I finished writing this announcement. Yay! — L10nM4st3rROAR at me! / What my paws scratched 02:55, 13 February 2026 (UTC)
Me finish scripting the Priest Goofball mod. Me think mod comes out before February 28th. The Gergining is coming. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 03:52, 13 February 2026 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Fish on skates? As we all know, the correct way of spelling Donut is Donut!!! Obviously not dougnuts or doughnuts!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Fish on skates. — L10nM4st3rROAR at me! / What my paws scratched 10:19, 14 February 2026 (UTC)
THE GERGINNING has started. (refresh) So mark your calendars, as on March 21st, Gergdown will Gergrise and slice you whole. Do fish shit in their own tank? 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 16:29, 14 February 2026 (UTC)
so, chess grandmaster LENNY BONGCLOUD, believe it or not, is actually my friend on chess.com, and I've spoken to him many a time. Lenny is a minor chess celebrity, with somewhat of a following on the site. He is actually mentioned in the article Bongcloud attack, which is a move he originated. if you didn't know, the bong cloud is the kings pawn opening (where both players move the pawns in front of their kings two spaces forward), followed by moving the king one space forward into the open space. now, jokes aside, this is a fucking awful chess opening. it has zero strategical value and keeps you from castling. The reason Lenny does this, is because he actually plays his own version of chess, called Bongcloud chess, in which he simply tries to get his king to the opposite side of the board. The other player does not know he is playing Bongcloud chess. Anywho, Lenny means a lot to me as a person and helped me quite a bit when I was going through a rough time mentally (still going through a rough time tbh, but it's better) and I think he deserves his own uncyc article. I know we're not supposed to write stuff about things that aren't notable enough, but Lenny is notable enough to me. Feel free to shut me down on this. Deemox (talk) 15:32, 16 February 2026 (UTC)
there's literally an article on a Communist Lemonade, various Hitler clones and versions, and a lot of other ultra niche idiocracy... literally make whatever article you want (within reason), just make sure it follows the How to Be Funny and Not Just Stupid rules and you're good to go. MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 15:36, 16 February 2026 (UTC)
well, on an unrelated note OMG IS THAT A LINK https://www.chess.com/member/deemox98798 whoa its like Deemox's secret chess.com account that has more secret information about him on the user page (shocked face emoji) (shocked face emoji) Deemox (talk) 15:43, 16 February 2026 (UTC)
is one of you this wingnut fellow? https://www.chess.com/member/wingnut7000 he friend requested me right after I posted my link here. He just says "I'm wingnut", which does not help. show yourself wingnut.Deemox (talk) 17:19, 16 February 2026 (UTC)
Oh no I did not realize that every single person who's subscribed to USP would ping me from being mentioned oh god there's like thirty.Deemox (talk) 17:26, 18 February 2026 (UTC)
You've been squished by a whale!
Don't take this too seriously. Alula just wants to let you know that you did something really silly, which may or may not include once again pinging me many times while delivering the UnSignpost 17:55, 18 February 2026 (UTC)
Smash!
You've been squished by a whale!
Don't take this too seriously. Deemox just wants to let you know that you did something really silly, which may or may not include Also pinging me a fuck ton of times while delivering the signpost.
Don't take this too seriously. Deemox just wants to let you know that you did something silly, which may or may not include pinging me a whole lot (trout for good measure)
THE JUMBO WHALE RISES! Then falls to smash you.[edit source]
MEGA SMASHA!
You've been squished by a jimbo whale!
Please take this very seriously: Soviet wants to let you know that you did something jimbo silly, which may or may not include creating Wikipedia oops sorry, wrong person. Your reasoning for being smashed by a whale is: Pinging me 18 times when delivering the UnSignpost Soviet☭(Ask for free votes) 18:09, 18 February 2026 (UTC).
Don't take this too seriously. Deemox just wants to let you know that you did something really gay, which may or may not include pinging me a whole bunch. (also I do not know if you are gay but it was in fact pretty gay to do that)
You've been squished by a jimbo whale!
Please take this very seriously: GOD wants to let you know that you did something jimbo silly, which may or may not include creating Wikipedia oops sorry, wrong person. Your reasoning for being smashed by a whale is: being too gosh darn silly.
you know I did not realize GOD was an actual user I apologize GOD for impersonating you. Deemox (talk) 18:46, 18 February 2026 (UTC)
@GOD: god I'm sorry I apologize for impersonating you via smashing fish with a whale. Please forgive me. Deemox (talk) 18:54, 18 February 2026 (UTC)
imagine if they actually responded "Hi, I haven't edited in years and possibly also decades, but Imma reply as a joke and you'll never see me again byeeee" --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 18:57, 18 February 2026 (UTC)
fun fact: there isn't and has never been a registered user called "GOD" here. the userpage was made by an IP all the way back in 2005 19:32, 18 February 2026 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Deemox? As we all know, the correct way of spelling Funny is Funny!!! Obviously not funy!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Deemox. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 21:37, 18 February 2026 (UTC)
aw I have been corrected. Deemox (talk) 21:50, 18 February 2026 (UTC)
You know I did not realize that was a whole ass template I thought people were just typing that the whole time Deemox (talk) 00:09, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
look at him and tell me he is not the cutest lizard you have ever seen. he's so adorable I'm gonna write an article about tuataras and it's just going to talking about how cute they are.Deemox (talk) 15:20, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
you should work on it in your userspace first, to avoid the wrath of the ICU --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 15:21, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
yes of course L10n thumb sucked for me and showed me the huffed article from 2010. it was two paragraphs. one moment while I grab it.Deemox (talk) 15:25, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
jeez these guys haven't changed since the Cambrian age. which means they are perfect. Deemox (talk) 15:30, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
you know I keep on forgetting that nautili are a thing that still exist and are in fact real animals you can see. I feel like I always just thought they were extinct but they are in fact still around.Deemox (talk) 15:33, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
not a lizard but yeah this being is cute 16:53, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
oh yeah it isn't. weird. actually I don't think they really belong to any reptile group. I think they're their own thing. interesting. Deemox (talk) 17:49, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
you know it's funny, I always thought of admins as some higher dimensional being that I would never interact with and then I remember Alula is an admin and she is so incredibly goofy. The world needs more admins like Alula. Deemox (talk) 17:52, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
what the hell does that mean? that Alula is going to become a curmudgeon? and lose all of her chipperness? Ungay her? Deemox (talk) 18:00, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
are you implying adminship in an anti- silly beam.Deemox (talk) 18:05, 19 February 2026 (UTC)
the most recently featured article in the Why? namespace, I guess. that'd be Why?:Is there a monkey in my fridge? idk what you'd do for a more permanent solution though. watchlist the feature queue, maybe --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 00:19, 20 February 2026 (UTC)
so uh long story short my curiosity got the best of be and I messed with the big article and I think I just bricked the website for a few minutes? I did not realize it would make the servers fucking explode I am so sorry I'm way too curious about these things.Deemox (talk) 19:08, 20 February 2026 (UTC)
Hello, Fish on skates. Please check your spam folder – you've got spam! It may take a few minutes from the time the email is sent for it to show up in your inbox. You can ignore this at any time.
Congrunlatis on getting the million dollar prize of getting an email from Gregdown. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 20:40, 22 February 2026 (UTC)
YAY, [Spam]! I'LL PUT THIS WITH MY [Specil Deal]! --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 20:58, 22 February 2026 (UTC)
IS TH4T N3XT TO THE [pipis]? Deemox (talk) 13:19, 23 February 2026 (UTC)
NEXT TO THE [hyperlink blocked] Deemox (talk) 15:18, 23 February 2026 (UTC)
YOU KNOW, THE [hyperlink blocked], RIGHT NEXT TO THE [pipis].
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Fish on skates? As we all know, the correct way of spelling Special is Special!!! Obviously not Specil!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Fish on skates. MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 15:26, 23 February 2026 (UTC)
YOU [dumbass]! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THE [correct] WAY TO SPEAK [engrish], [emkay]? AS [Mike] KNOWS, THE CORRECT WAY OF [magic spells!] [special d3al] IS [special d3al]!! OBVIOUSLY NOT [special]!!!!!1!!! IN FACT, SINCE YOU SAID [that], YOU HAVE REALLY [pissed me off!], AS WELL AS STOLEN ALL OF MY [kromer]. YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO BECOME A [big shot!!] Deemox (talk) 15:43, 23 February 2026 (UTC)
aha! As you spelled "Special" correctly, your spell has no impact upon me! MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 16:08, 23 February 2026 (UTC)
Y0U STUP1D [Little Sponge]! H0W D0 Y0U N0T KN0W TH3 [[BIG SHOT]] W4Y T0 SP34K [Spam]1SH, MK? AS 4LL [#1 Rated Salesman 1997] KN0W, TH3 C0RR3CT W4Y OF SP3LL1NG [Specil Deal] is [Specil Deal]!1! 0BV10U5LY N0T [Special Deal]!! 1N F4CT, S1NCE Y0U S4ID TH4T, Y0U H4VE NOT ONLY OFF3NDED [Spamton G. Spamton], BUT TH3 ENT1RE [Story Of Deltarune]! --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 16:25, 23 February 2026 (UTC)
It's Fridge Monkey again, I wanted to know how to make a page's background randomly change colors, if that makes any sense to you. Fridge Monkey (talk) 15:09, 26 February 2026 (UTC)
that'll go black to red to black to red to black to red... etc etc etc. The percentage is when it will change, and the "Animation-duration" is how long it will take for the total animation to go. Mine is 5 seconds "5s" so it takes 5 seconds for it to go from 0% to 50% to 100%. The timing function is how it fades in or out: ease makes it a smooth blend, linear makes it jump to the next color. Kinda hard to explain here, but go look on User:WohMi's talk page, or my talk page (for this exact version), and you'll see how they work in practice. Dig through the source code of them too and you'll see that but but with each part on it's own line (its formatted weird here, sorry) MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 15:15, 26 February 2026 (UTC)
you can also add more "frames", or control when the colors change by editing/adding more percentages. Just make sure it has the "{" and then the "}" and the correct naming, or else it won't work! MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 15:18, 26 February 2026 (UTC)
ALSO, @Fish on skates: are you ever gonna archive this page???? it takes like 12 centuries to save a change now lmao MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 15:24, 26 February 2026 (UTC)
ok no but seriously though archive your talk page it's insanely long 15:23, 26 February 2026 (UTC)
@Alula: She's not stopping until she reaches the absolute limit of how big a talk page is. Just sayin'... 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 15:27, 26 February 2026 (UTC)
I saw what was there fish... you cant hide your freak from us! Deemox (talk) 18:24, 26 February 2026 (UTC)
Squaw Dee wasn't creepy like this before- even more evidence that this we are dealing with an impersonator. OᑭöᔑᔑᙀᙏHey, that tickles!(vandalize my talk page) 16:36, 27 February 2026 (UTC)
@OPOSSUM: Like I said elwesare the changes are purely philosophical (also i was a tout for goatse when I was on before how is that any better than this) --– Preceding signed comment added by Squaw Dee (owns uncyclopedia • talk • contribs) 16:42, 27 February 2026 (UTC)
I have stolen your clippy template and I put him on my talk page. I did in fact figure out how to change the text.Deemox (talk) 16:22, 27 February 2026 (UTC)
wait a second where did the clippy here go I did not remove himDeemox (talk) 16:23, 27 February 2026 (UTC)
ah that makes sense. I did not realize that it was a specific button. I think the link in your sig leads to the clippy version of this page for some reason. Deemox (talk) 16:26, 27 February 2026 (UTC)
that makes sense. I was wondering where clippy went. also I keep getting edit conflicted by myself? like the stored revision has no diffrence?Deemox (talk) 16:38, 27 February 2026 (UTC)
Studies shown that I was always admin. The best admin, the bestiest admin. 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 23:25, 1 March 2026 (UTC)
Also, You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, gerg? As we all know, the correct way of spelling February is February!!! Obviously not March!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, gerg. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 23:40, 1 March 2026 (UTC)
No no no. I spelt February correctly. Maybe YOU'RE the stupid dumbassery one? 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 23:42, 1 March 2026 (UTC)
A double! You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Gerg? As we all know, the correct way of spelling February is February!!! Obviously not Februray!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Gerg. You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, Gerg? As we all know, the correct way of spelling Dumbassary is Dumbassary!!! Obviously not Dumbassery!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, Gerg. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 23:43, 1 March 2026 (UTC)
Na nae nao. Eye kan speel |*erfectly vine! 🍂 gergdown🍂(talk) ☀️ 23:47, 1 March 2026 (UTC)
@gergdown: You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, gerg? As we all know, the correct way of spelling No, no, no. I can spell perfectly fine! is No, no, no. I can spell perfectly fine!!!! Obviously not Na nae nao. Eye kan speel |*erfectly vine!!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, gerg. 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 23:50, 1 March 2026 (UTC)
@gergdown: You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to- oh, wait, this time you didn't write any typos. my bad. 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 23:52, 1 March 2026 (UTC)
@DaniPine3: You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, LaziBum3? As we all know, the correct way of spelling Tytpos is Tytpos!!! Obviously not typos!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, LaziBum3. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 23:59, 1 March 2026 (UTC)
Don't take this too seriously. Deemox just wants to let you know that you did something really gay, which may or may not include not telling me that USP is biweekly now
I mean, personally, I somewhat am ok with the term gay for myself, even though I am quite a big fan of women. I'm gayer than most actual gay men I feel.Deemox (talk) 15:57, 2 March 2026 (UTC)
also I find it incredibly funny to call other queer folks gay like the way straight guys do. it's just so goddamn funny. like "hey! You're gay!" "yeah I'm making out with a guy what did you think?" Deemox (talk) 16:03, 2 March 2026 (UTC)
on an unrelated note, I just played the actual zork, and I gotta say... kinda sucked. it wouldn't let me befriend the troll. Deemox (talk) 16:39, 2 March 2026 (UTC)
I need help coming up with stuff for a DND character. You see, i was playing as a necromancer who is also a skeleton, but the DM said that he is "too evil", and that i need to tone down the evil. I feel like his evilness is kind of his thing though, so i think i'll just make a new charecter. Also, he's still alive, he just went home because he got bored. I'll probably use him for an evil campaign in the future though. Anyway, I wanna play something cute and from space. What do you think of space cat boy? Or space robot femboy? With a gun. I feel like space robot cat femboy is a bit too many things, however. Deemox (talk) 15:12, 4 March 2026 (UTC)
@deemox: maybe experiment a bit and see which character fits best with the campaign/group dynamic? idk, I'm not that knowledgeable about dnd --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 15:17, 4 March 2026 (UTC)
currently there is an 8 foot tall tabaxi (which is a cat person) cleric and ranger. the ranger is, to be honest, really cringy, as it's a guy playing a girl and he's most definitely an edge lord. I mean, Carl (my necromancer) was an edge lord as well, but I played it up for comedic effect. this guy's completely serious. Currently the dynamic is they are goodie two shoes doing... something. I don't actually know what they're trying to do. overthrow the king or something? My character does not know and neither do I. Deemox (talk) 15:22, 4 March 2026 (UTC)
I also think it would be really funny to be small.Deemox (talk) 15:28, 4 March 2026 (UTC)
HAS to be done either with admin powers, or this sneakery. you can spoof this[edit source]
Sometimes pages with templates on them take a little bit to update when the template gets edited. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 22:13, 4 March 2026 (UTC)
it's very nice, kinda sounds like a minecraft music disc --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 21:58, 8 March 2026 (UTC)
man what am I going to do with myself with all this wealth and fame. wait I get paid right? Shouldn't squaw Dee be paying me? Does he actually own uncyc? If I marry Squaw Dee does that mean I also own Uncyclopedia? so many questions. Deemox (talk) 13:16, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
so uh, real talk for a sec, I am actually a minor so we probably shouldn't joke about this? i dunno. i understand it's not your meaning but i do find this slightly creepy. So uh, for future reference, please don't joke about this. Not your fault at all btw. Deemox (talk) 14:27, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
ok thank you. I'm not that minor of a minor as I'm practically an adult minus the legal rights. I can, in fact, drive, if I get around to getting a license. Deemox (talk) 14:31, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
I thought about making my sig more fancy but I think it's way funnier to leave it as the default one. Deemox (talk) 14:41, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
yeah, not everyone needs or wants a flashy sig (me with my eye-burning magenta, hatsune miku blue, neon brown, animated gif, and assorted titles) --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 14:51, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
I got carried away making these and trying to streamline the design ever since Turb0 proceeded to fail most epically at editing it. MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 16:06, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
@Deemox: one of the glowy ones? yeah they're super easy, just count the letters in your username (6) and then only keep that many of the ".fs-l" frames from the above css. For yours it would be from .fs-l1 to .fs-l6, then just make sure each letter, one at a time, gets an individual wrapper with the respective number (D = 1, e = 2, e = 3, etc)! (I can also have my python script do it for you later if it still makes no sense) MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 17:53, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
I'm trying to set the first one to my sig but I cant? How do I do this. I got half of it. [User:Deemox|dee]] 18:52, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
says it's invalid HTML. [User:Deemox|dee]] 18:53, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
oh yeah you should probably make a subpage, like User:Deemox/sig. then you put {{SUBST:nosubst|User:Deemox/sig{{SUBST:!}}[[User:Deemox]]}} in the signature field --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 18:55, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
I'm too dumb to figure this out [User:Deemox|dee]] 18:56, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
I don't understand how you guys can do this. {{SUBST:nosubst|User:Deemox/sig{{SUBST:!}}[[User:Deemox]]}} 19:03, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
well that didn't work. I'm gonna go bug Li0n
can one of you guys impersonate me quick to see if it actually works and I'm not just an idiot. Deemox 19:12, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
wait so in the subpage do I just put the sig? Deemox 19:12, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
alright I got the femboy one to work. Deemox 19:12, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
@Deemox: ok, you have to put the {{SUBST:nosubst|User:Deemox/sig{{SUBST:!}}[[User:Deemox]]}} in the signature field in preferences WITHOUT the nowiki tags. and yes, you do put the sig in the subpage. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 19:19, 9 March 2026 (UTC)
That's a lovely sig, so easy to read the discussions in source mode, and so clean! What's not to love! — L10nM4st3rROAR at me! / What my paws scratched 10:55, 10 March 2026 (UTC)
@L10nM4st3r: oh deer, im guessing you really don't want to know what Gamma's signature looks like in source mode... MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 11:03, 10 March 2026 (UTC)
@Gammakid999: there should be double brackets around the second "User:Gammakid999" other than that the sig field looks great --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 13:03, 10 March 2026 (UTC)
The sigs here are officialy so shit that convenient discussions has stopped working and I have to edit source like a pleb. – Preceding signed comment added by Squaw Dee (owns uncyclopedia • talk • contribs) 15:38, 10 March 2026 (UTC)
there is a distinct lack of bees here[edit source]
YOU'VE BEEN BEE MOVIED!
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick our job today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Can anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Couple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Couple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Cool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Could be daisies. Don't we need those? Copy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Chemical-y. Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Coming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Come on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Can I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Come on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Can I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Cinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Crazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Check out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Chung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Case number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Call your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Could you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Can't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Cannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - That just kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? Could you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Captain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Come on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Can you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Come on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
YOU'VE BEEN BEE MOVIED!
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick our job today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Can anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Couple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Couple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Cool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Could be daisies. Don't we need those? Copy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Chemical-y. Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Coming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Come on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Can I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Come on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Can I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Cinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Crazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Check out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Chung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Case number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Call your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Could you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Can't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Cannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - That just kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? Could you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Captain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Come on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Can you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Come on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
YOU'VE BEEN BEE MOVIED!
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick our job today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Can anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Couple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Couple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Cool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Could be daisies. Don't we need those? Copy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Chemical-y. Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Coming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Come on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Can I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Come on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Can I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Cinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Crazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Check out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Chung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Case number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Call your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Could you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Can't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Cannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - That just kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? Could you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Captain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Come on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Can you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Come on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
YOU'VE BEEN BEE MOVIED!
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick our job today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Can anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Couple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Couple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Cool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Could be daisies. Don't we need those? Copy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Chemical-y. Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Coming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Come on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Can I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Come on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Can I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Cinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Crazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Check out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Chung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Case number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Call your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Could you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Can't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Cannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - That just kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? Could you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Captain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Come on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Can you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Come on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
Due to the regrettable fact that you have entirely forgotten to sign your posts, the entirety of Uncyclopedia is very mad at you. This is rather unfortunate as many of us are capable of summoning Grues at will. I politely suggest that you quickly rectify this by using the four-tilde rule whenever you post on a talk page from now on. Copy and paste the following handy text for your own convenience in signing your posts: ~~~~
@Turb0-Sunrise: you really seem to get a knack with these voting templates with little figurines on them... what are those, anyways? are there supposed to be chibi versions of Minecraft characters? also fish you edit conflicted me🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 16:46, 11 March 2026 (UTC)
exactly, but maybe just a walk cycle so they don't spin. unsure. idk. heheheeheheheMKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 17:00, 11 March 2026 (UTC)
the minecraft wiki has a bunch of random images of them SirTurb0-Sunrisede laBoston 17:10, 11 March 2026 (UTC)
that took forever, maybe we leave them static. MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 17:46, 11 March 2026 (UTC)
panic, in static, out-manic don't you find it all romantic, the way things used to be what did you do to him --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 17:49, 11 March 2026 (UTC)
i took the gif of him nodding with a frog, removed all but two frames (bc lazy), removed backgrounds, and then absentmindedly exported it with only 2 frames per second soooooo voila MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 17:55, 11 March 2026 (UTC)
maybe we replace the tiny jens in the template with the sus frame SirTurb0-Sunrisede laBoston 18:13, 11 March 2026 (UTC)
I have come back after the stupidly long weekend of playing terraria for 20 hours straight. oh boy what am I gonna do now? deemox 14:23, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
this text is here to make the drunk mosquitos stop shaking the screen arounddeemox 15:02, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
and this text is here to stop the indents from taking over --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 15:04, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
Ah thanks they were getting out of hand. how was the weekend? I spent mine fighting robotic worms, eyes, and skeletons. And a big fucking plant. at least I tried to. she kicked my ass.deemox 15:12, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
i do enjoy music. I pretty much just procrastinated all weekend. and the whole week. and the week before that. and the week before that, ad nauseum. deemox 16:16, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
yes, i love procrastinating. i'm procrastinating on several things as we squeak --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 16:20, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
I really should start doing something besides video games and this. I guess i've just been depressed for a while now. like I want to do stuff, but I just can't, y'know? I kinda just come here to kill time at school I guess. which is why I'm not on during the weekend usually. And I really need to make some real friends. I've never really had too many of those. They always leave me. sorry, I'm venting. deemox 16:21, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
it's the feedback loop from hell thing. I hate myself because I cant do anything and I can't do anything because I hate myself. every damn time I don't do something I hate myself more. maybe its sunk cost fallacy or something.deemox 16:24, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
(edit conflict) i'm sure you'll eventually find someone who won't leave. and uncyclopedia can be a nice creative outlet when you look around. you can write articles or stories or games, and draw pictures or graphics. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 16:26, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
I'm sixteen years old and what have I done with myself? nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Nothing except burning bridges with the ones who care about me. I don't have a job. and I don't do anything in school either. I always feel like I'm just waiting for myself to do something but I don't. it's been rough.deemox 16:27, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
I hide behind this mask of wood and yet it does nothing to hide who I truly am. deemox 16:30, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
there's a quote for the USP for ya. deemox 16:41, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
yeah that does seem rough man... i unfortunately am not the best at advice --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 17:21, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
it's alright :') deemox 17:25, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
@Deemox:If you can afford it seek therapy its been a huge benefit in my life if not then well go therapize yourself – Preceding signed comment added by Squaw Dee (owns uncyclopedia • talk • contribs) 21:00, 17 March 2026 (UTC)
I do in fact see a therapist. and a behavioral specialist. and a social worker. and a case manager. no I do not know which person is which. I do have all of those things though. it's been helpful. deemox 14:29, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
\|/[-|_|_ |=|_|(|<. deemox 15:20, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
what the hell does that say i can read "well" but wtf now you know how to send talk page messages that I can't snoop on i guess – Preceding signed comment added by Squaw Dee (owns uncyclopedia • talk • contribs) 15:22, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
well that's good. it's girl talk. nothing for you to worry about. deemox 15:24, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
as a girl, i dont understand a word. then again i barely understand english so could just be a me issue MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 15:25, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
yes it's secret girl\femboy language you wouldn't understand. feminise, if you would. deemox 15:29, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
"Fish, he's clueless, let's prank him" "Well it took him like ten minutes to figure that out he surely can't read the rest of it." :] 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 17:58, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
++++++++++[>++++++++++>++++++++++>++++++++++>++++++++++>+++>++++++++++++>+++++++++++>++++++++++++>+++++++++++>+++++++++++>++++++++++>+++>++++++++++++>+++++++++++>++++++++++>++++++++++>+++++++++++>+++++++++++>++++++++++>+++>++++++++++++>++++++++++>+++++++++++>++++++++++++>+++>++++++++++++>+++++++++++>++++++++++>+++>++++++++++>+++++++++++>++++++++++++<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<-]>++++.>---.>++++.>---.>++.>----.>++++.>+.>-----.>.>+++.>++.>----.>++++.>---.>.>-----.>.>+++.>++.>----.>++++.>-----.>-----.>++.>----.>++++.>+..>++.>--.>+.>+. deemox 18:00, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
@Gammakid999: "Lion you better not decode this" luckily for them, the one to decode it was not lion but me :] 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 18:11, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
@Squaw_Dee: I have a fully decoded tramscript of the conversation. shall I post it here, if it's not secret anymore? 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 22:09, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
You STUPID DUMBASSARY USER! How do you not know the proper way to speak the English language, LaziBum3? As we all know, the correct way of spelling Transcript is Transcript!!! Obviously not tramscript!!! In fact, since you said that, not only have you offended me, but the entire history of the Anglo-Saxon language chain, LaziBum3. --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 22:18, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
oh noes please don't do that. deemox 22:54, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
@Deemox: ...even though Squaw Dee already deciphered it (allegedly)? 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 23:02, 18 March 2026 (UTC)
I have figured out the trick to reading this, so you can't fool me... – Preceding signed comment added by Squaw Dee (owns uncyclopedia • talk • contribs) 15:17, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
@Squaw_Dee: No I think you're bluffing. :3 deemox 15:29, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
221553w1515441224235412314433122115121112332312114412143132531253351144421224235412315215125154115315123254531512 deemox 15:31, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
|)|_||\||\|[] how yall type it out so fast, takes me a minute to figure out each letter. MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 15:34, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
btw that cipher is next to impossible to decode without the key :3 I mean you technically could brute force it but you need some knowledge of how ciphers work. deemox 15:35, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
533511251211251253351512441553122215255312533511443412532312453331 deemox 15:55, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
I'm tempted to tell you what 1225 means in the cipher but I think you might be able to decode the rest of it if I do. deemox 15:56, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
best i've got using that is "TTOSCEASLOHS?TSNSHESNOSRLPISI?NO?SCEASLUTS?ANITSPAITS" seems to be sorted weirdly. im trash at real ciphers lmao MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 16:32, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
you guys don't even know what kind of cipher it is. deemox 16:59, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
24152512242354123311331253353153122344151255555223443412115312332315254453123315322333151211445323123144245335114434 – Preceding signed comment added by Squaw Dee (owns uncyclopedia • talk • contribs) 21:53, 19 March 2026 (UTC)
BOO! You have been scared by a whale!
Don't take this too seriously. MK just wants to let you know that you have caused irreparable damage to her fragile psyche by forgetting to send her the UnSignpost on March 19th
HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHAT THE FUCK COME ON MAN. jokes aside, I'm sure he'll probably round house kick the devil in the face if he hasn't already. fly high Chuck. deemox 14:54, 20 March 2026 (UTC)
we gotta find a new memetic badass now. i have many suggestions --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 15:32, 20 March 2026 (UTC)
I'm on skates because it's funny and implausible for a fish to do any skating. Why are you 4War? --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 19:44, 21 March 2026 (UTC)
I made this name up when I was six years old and it stuck through all the years --Chicken4War / talk to me 19:45, 21 March 2026 (UTC)
sooorrryyy.. i have only ever checked the forums Once and that is how I discovered the Last person to edit wins --Chicken4War / talk to me 19:57, 21 March 2026 (UTC) --Chicken4War / talk to me 19:57, 21 March 2026 (UTC)
jeez you sound like you're twelve. I would subscribe but that would rui the funny number.deemox 00:26, 22 March 2026 (UTC)
@Deemox: which of the two funny numbers are we speaking of? the original funny number, or the modern one? 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 00:31, 22 March 2026 (UTC)
i can assure you i am not twelve. also, he's talking about the original --DameFishonskatesDUNVFHUotM 00:35, 22 March 2026 (UTC)
in that case, I can only say, "nice". 🎄🎄🎄DaniPine3 (talk)🎄🎄🎄 00:36, 22 March 2026 (UTC)
Bapple app? Bad apple app? App-apple? Apppple? Idk. Either way, it works! I put it into a Crunchyroll app becuase thats where all anime belongs. Its on the second phone screen, labeled TEST or Crunchyroll next to the other prototypes. Will need a ton of thumbnails, sooooo if ya wannnnaaaaa draw some, that'd be sick MKyap!FðllðwÐåmågê†råïl 02:52, 22 March 2026 (UTC)
) above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.
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