UnNews:Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
January 20, 2026
JUNEAU, AK — 37 years after the Exxon Valdez oil tanker was brutally attacked by the state of Alaska in the Prince William Sound, causing a major loss of oil to the Exxon company, reparations are finally being put in order. Alaska, utilizing a now-banned weapon known as "the Bligh Reef", viciously struck out at the calmly passing Exxon Valdez as it was sailing by on its way to Long Beach, CA, to deliver its oil to all the good little American boys and girls. Instead, as a result of Alaska's attack, the oil was stolen and distributed freely to the inhabitants of Alaska, which included penguins, mooses, and various small and large water creatures. A massive effort was taken to try and recover the stolen oil from these criminal creatures, but it only saw mediocre success, and thousands of gallons of oil still remain in the hands, fur, plant life, and bodies of Alaska and it's wildlife.
President Trump in 2024 had expressed interest in "Making those damn Alaskans pay" for their crimes against the helpless Exxon company. Much of his 2024 campaign revolved around his claims that he would indeed make them pay, and once elected, executive order 466678 was written up, which included such lines as:
“...After all, if we can make white people pay for things other white people did to black people 150 years ago, surely we can make Alaska pay for the things they did only 37 years ago...”
– (Trump, E.O. 466678)
It was only just this morning that this order finally made it out of the Congress, where it had been put through a paper shredder, eaten by at least 3 different Congress members, farted out, and then reassembled by candlelight. The papers were then placed onto the desk of the Supreme Court of Alaska, which immediately began the process that would force Alaska to turn over nearly $4,000,000,000 in reparations for their nearly 4 decade old crime. Some citizens were to see jail time as well, and already there have been reports of several mooses being executed by the state for their potential involvement.
Exxon, in a statement made to us here at UnNews, expressed its thanks to its supporters by saying:
“We here at the Exxon Corporation believe in two things- oil, and freedom, and both of those were violently taken from a poor little tanker off the coast of the criminal state of Alaska in 1989. For the last 37 years we have fought hard, not just for us, but for the American people as well, to get the oil back that you all so righteously deserve, the oil that was stolen by those dirty rat bastards, the Alaskans. Today it is with great joy that we can tell you that the oil is back, baby!”
– (Exxon interview, 11:23 am, 1/20/2026)
It is likely that the court proceedings could take up to a full day to finish, but one thing is for sure: Alaska will pay for it's crimes, and the oil will soon flow once again. The State of Alaska could not be reached for comment due to inclement weather and that fact that it's cellular access has been cutoff by the court's temporary restraining order against it.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez oil tanker and company in court hearing" NOAA, January 20, 2026