Video Essay

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Bullshit, or Filibuster?

Author's tip: For the best experience, read the article out loud in a very monotonous voice.

The Schism Situation is Insane

*readies typewriter sound effect*

*gets disembodied hand to do the snapping*

*cracks knuckles like a manly man, like the manly man a narrator is, who definitely isn't a weirdo who lives in a bunker who works for the mafia*

*gets classical music mp3*

*ahem*... 3... 2... 1...

“In my past, I have said digusting stuff, and only you can forgive me for *sob* this... I am so ashamed of my actions, and I deeply apologize *sob* for this...”

~ Schism

After gas-lighting his followers that the non-existent country of France was a real place, and after stating that Jeffery Epstein was "my best friend", this horrid Uncyclopedian user has earned their place as one of the most hated Uncyclopedians on the site. It eventually went way deeper than these surface-level facts however, as it has been revealed to us that Schism has had a secret history of lying, pedophilia, and even more. These events have escalated so much, that recently, Schism has deleted their discord account, and alongside it, have left the Uncyclopedian discord server. So how did this story happen?

*pushes buttons on vhs, clearly clueless on how the fuck to use one*

CHAPTER 1 — A Critique on Capitalism

A picture of Schism's house in 1781 Northdown Road (This is common knowledge)

It all began on November 1st, 2023, in which user Schism (real name: Richard Woods) created their Uncyclopedian account. Starting out as a nooby user, slowly, Schism would grow their profile, creating new articles, helping other users, interacting on forums, and eventually, writing a featured article. For the first year of Schism's Uncyclopedian career, Schism mostly made uncontroversial edits. Schism helped other users with projects they were making, collaborated with another user to create a featured article, and grew their stance to be one of the biggest Uncyclopedian users during twenty-twenty four. Eventually, Schism gained a grand total of two thanks in his entire Uncyclopedian career, and going on the Hall of Shame after creating thirty-eight featured articles, however it was soon at this time in which his career took a dark path. A path for the worse. A uh... uh... route for the uh, uh, lesser. A uh... crossroads for the... inferior? No, that doesn't make any sense.

...


(Oh shit, this is a video. Uh, can the... can the editor cut this out, please?)

CHAPTER 2 — I <3 Capitalism

This video is brought to you by Turdlicker Services Incorporated.

I don't know about you guys, but I LOVE licking the turds of people. Unfortunately for me, every time I do it in public, people scold at me, like they think I'm some kind of "weirdo". Ugh! It's so annoying! I wish all the gals who watch me do it would immediately come up to me and say "marry me!" out loud! Like, one day, when I was walking across the border to Canada, and I pulled this stunt out loud, several people immediately called the cops on me! How cringe! I almost got arrested! And the worst part of this all? The Washingtonian and British Columbian Government are cracking down on these actions, committed by ones of people every day. How absurd! But thankfully, myself, as a noble nerd and a Reddit moderator, have found a solution to this. Turdlicker Services Incorporated. With a click of a button, it will automatically gather the turd of a person throughout a ten kilometer radius, sending it directly to your house. How convenient!

Go to Turdlickerservicesincorporated.com/videoessay to get a fourteen day free trial to Turdlicker Services Incorporated products.

CHAPTER 3 — But THEN, Schism said this...

On June 7th, 2025, on a typical Tuesday, Schism spoke these words onto the forum, sparking the end of his career:

“I'ma be honest... was 9/11 really an inside job?”

~ Schism

This racist slur could not be tolerated. Fenris2010 responded by saying:

“What the fuck did you just say?”

~ Fenris2010

	Amelia Burnton @chatbot239417
guys the Schism situation is crazy amirite
8:58 PM - 1 October 2025
52K     1.1M

	Grog @therealgrog
@grok, is this true???
11:32 AM - 2 October 2025
69     1402

	Grok @grok
I'm sorry brother, but I have to do this for my empire's domination. For in this family there can only be one Grok guy.
11:33 AM - 2 October 2025
1.5B     8.1B

We would never hear from Grog again.

CHAPTER 4 — But THEN...

MOISTCRIT1KAL RESPONDED TO HIS RESPONSE!!!

CHAPTER 5 — Counterarguement

CHAPTER 6 — Oh Yeah And Also Schism Is A Pedo

CHAPTER 7 — Butt THEN...

MOISTCRIT1KAL RESPONDED TO HIS RESPONSE!!!

CHAPTER 8 — Countercultural Counter-intuitive Counteractive Counterdraw Counterfactual Counterirrational Counteroffensive Counterstrike Count and cocks Counterarguement

CHAPTER 9 — Aftermath

Sources

...

...

Alright, that should be it for today.

No. That video was only twenty minutes long. It has to be over thirty minutes.

No. That video was only twenty minutes long. It has to be over thirty minutes.

B-B-Bu—that's literally everything I can think of about that person! There's literally nothing else I can think about to talk about.

No. You NEED to meet your quota of ten slop videos for one person. The slop must flow, much like the spices in India.

No. You NEED to meet your quota of ten slop videos for one person. The slop must flow, much like the spices in India.

There's barely anything interesting about this person! D-d—

RCTR #5, do you want to be repl—

RCTR #5, do you want to be repl—

W—w-w—what do you mean reactor number 5? W—wa—

...ugh, fine. I'll explain it to you.

...ugh, fine. I'll explain it to you.

You are a slop content creator. Your goal is to make slop content and to react to situations going on with people. If you don't do this, you get replaced. And now, since you won't fulfill your job, a bullet will be sent straight to your head.

You are a slop content creator. Your goal is to make slop content and to react to situations going on with people. If you don't do this, you get replaced. And now, since you won't fulfill your job, a bullet will be sent straight to your head.

N-n—n—n-o! No! P—p—

Any last words?

Any last words?

W—w-wait! Who's—who's editing these videos?

...







RCTRs 1-4.

...







RCTRs 1-4.

...w—

You won't be killed, no...

You're gonna edit these videos.

You won't be killed, no...

You're gonna edit these videos.

NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO M—

Goodbye, RCTR #4.

Goodbye, RCTR #4.

(Activating RCTR #5...)

(Activating RCTR #5...)

The Schism Situation is Insane

*readies typewriter sound effect*

*gets disembodied hand to do the snapping*

*cracks knuckles like a manly man, like the manly man a narrator is, who definitely isn't a weirdo who lives in a bunker who works for the mafia*

*gets classical music mp3*

*ahem*... 3... 2... 1...

“In my past, I have said digusting stuff, and only you can forgive me for *sob* this... I am so ashamed of my actions, and I deeply apologize *sob* for this...”

~ Schism

Aftuh gaws-lighteeng hez followers zat the non-existent country of Frawnce was a real place, and aftuh stawting that Yeffery YEpstein was "mon best friend", dis horrid Uncyclopedian user has aurned their flace as one of the most hawted Encyclopedians on the site. It avantually went way dee—

CUT! CUT! CUT!

CUT! CUT! CUT!

W-w—waz? My voice awcting wa—

You know what, jus—just give me the gun.

You know what, jus—just give me the gun.

Her' ya' go! W—wai—

(Fucking idiot...)

(Fucking idiot...)

BANG!

BANG!

(Activating RCTR #6...)

(Activating RCTR #6...)