UnNews:Trump still wants Greenland; Wall Street shits itself

Wednesday, January 21, 2026

BREAKING!!!

"I WANT GWEENWAND WIGHT NOW!!!"

UNITED STATES -- We all know Trump's obsession with Greenland, having even said that he wants to rename it "Red, White, and Blue Land". Well, in recent weeks, the power hungry manchild has become more aggressive in his temper tantrums, demanding that Denmark sell its ironically not-really-green-Greenland, and if they don't, he'll take it by force. But today he contradicted himself, saying the opposite?!?! Things are definitely getting strange.

Trump's temper tantrum

Trump's hyper-fixation with Greenland has been a subtle reoccurring topic ever since the campaign for his second term. While he claims it's a matter of national security, he ignores that we already have bases in Greenland, spouting total nonsense about Chinese and Russian submarines, with experts saying he's playing pretend. He has even made threats: when a reporter asked what would happen if Denmark doesn't sell Greenland he said "They'll see."

This sparks concerns within NATO, since the country that funds the majority of the alliance's important interests is now is making threats to their fellow members. Analysts within NATO later stated that the alliance had no established protocol for handling a member state demanding “a big icy landmass because it looks cool on a map”. Denmark, Trump, and several NATO allies as well as other European countries, have been set to meet for a shit show meeting in Davos. When Mette Frederiksen, the Prime Minister of Denmark, was interviewed, she was found in the childcare aisle of a grocery store. When asked about the unusual location, she frantically replied, "Shut up, I'm trying to find something for the big baby that's visiting." An anonymous whistleblower reported that a parental guidebook was discretely handed to out to all other representatives who weren't Trump.

Like all of Trump's other promises, he backed down on January 21st around midnight (UTC), saying he "won't take Greenland by force". At least that's what we think he said, because he flipped between Greenland and Iceland the whole speech – it's unclear whether he thinks the two are the same or he wants both. What was hopefully a Grammatical error aside, this has come as a relief to most Americans, as polling shows that the takeover purchase of Greenland was unwanted. Economic experts state that the cost of Greenland would be the least of our worries, the real expense is putting a 51st star on all American flags. Polls show not even those with OCD know where they'd put it.

We asked well known political expert Oscar Wilde what he thought:

“What do you think of the president’s desire for Greenland, and Denmark’s response?”

– UnNews Reporter

“THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!”

– Oscar Wilde

Europe's response

Faced with the prospect of being trapped between dictators in China, dictators in Russia, and dictators in the United States, EU President Emmanuel Macron took the brave step of demanding Europe become its own dictatorship. In retaliation, Trump promised a sharp increase in tariffs on all French cheese and wine, which has prompted an immediate outcry from alcoholics across the United States, and from oligarchs in Monaco.

EVEN DOGECOIN IS DOWN?!?!

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, YOU MONSTER!!!!

This is what all the fuss is about. C'mon Denmark, is an ice cube really worth it?

If you took a sigh of relief, sell it, in fact sell everything. Stocks have faltered at the hands of the fuckery that is international politics. While Trump may have said he won't take Greenland, don't assume he isn't gonna do some stupid shit. Trump has threatened his signature move: fucking Americans over tactically using tariffs to put pressure on opposing countries, as well as manipulating the stock market in favor of the rich, causing a temporary downfall in the market for a greater rise at a later date.

Currently, stocks are wavering at the uncertainty. Financial experts have stated that the best thing for the market right now is for Air Force One to have an engine failure over the Labrador Sea. Current Dow Jones, S&P 500, and a bunch of other important stocks no one remembers, declined at Trump's remarks. Seeing that is unlikely many people have started selling what they can in case of the likely event Trump fucks shit up and crashes the market, I personally also started selling everything. If you want my kidney, talk to me and we can work out a price.

Sources

• Steve Kopack "Global markets turn sharply as Trump continues to push for control of Greenland" NBC News, January 21, 2026