Artificial Grass
“Tastes like garbage”
“Fuck this shit, I fucking hate it”
– Your local lawnmower salesman
Artificial Grass (Scientific name Poa plasticus) is a species of grass primarily located in North American lawns and football stadiums. Unlike it's cousin Poa realgrass, it is immune to almost every form of attack except dropped cigs and hot summer days, in which case it smells like a burning LEGO warehouse.
Discovery[edit | edit source]
It was discovered by James R. Greengrass when he was playing a baseball game against the Red Sox in 1953, after he accidentally gathered so much static electricity that he shocked the nearest orphanage out of existence. After collecting samples, he donated them to the Smithsonian. Witnesses describe Greengrass glowing with a neon yellow light, and his hat popped off like a cork. The Smithsonian then sold the samples for $15 a pop at the gift shop.
Cuisine[edit | edit source]
People commonly try to eat it, especially dogs, cows, and people under the age of 5. However, it has seen a surge in popularity in Tacoma, Washington, as a substitute for cabbage in coleslaw. It is also popular worldwide as the "lettuce" in McDonald's burgers. Gastronomers in Tacoma praise it as being able to maintain it's crunch after being soaked in industrial-grade Big Mac sauce for 9 years straight. It is renowned as the only vegetable that requires you to bring your own wire cutters and sign a waiver before purchase.
Dangers[edit | edit source]
It is a danger because of how it produces static electricity super easily, and a single toddler crawling across it has the potential to generate so much electricity that they begin to resemble a raw steak. Notable incidents include the deletion of the Bostonian orphanage in 1953, the 9/11 attacks, the 2026 Los Angeles wildfires, and Hurricane Katrina, which were all caused by the species. Always carry a lightning rod when traversing areas covered in the grass. Only wear shoes made of 100% rubber to negate the electrical arc.
Origins[edit | edit source]
It is theorized that Artificial Grass is an alien species from the Eye of God galaxy which came here to steal our planet's supply of potassium sulfate, which it uses to reproduce via molecular conversion. It is a concern among health professionals that ingesting potassium sulfate could cause the grass to assimilate living beings, which is how Oscar the Grouch came to be. The first patch arrived via a flying green carpet careening into the atmosphere and landing in a suburban backyard in St. Paul.