Lego
LEGO is the codename which the US Army uses to refer a weapon that resembles a small, colored brick. A shorthand for "my Legs arE in severe danGer, Ouch", it is considered as one of the deadliest weapons to ever exist.
Use[edit | edit source]
One of Lego bricks' deadliest characterisitic is its rather simple -yet effective- use: In order to neutralize an inconming enemy, one must simply put one (1) small brick of Lego ™ under said enemy’s foot. The Lego often has cylindrical bumps that stand out from the brick, known as studs, which, when in contact of an unaware individual’s foot, inflicts unfathomable amounts of pain to the poor victim that may have stepped on it. Its reduced size is perfect to keep the weapon out of the victim's sight, making it almost completely invisible and, thus, highly dangerous.
Background[edit | edit source]
The first Lego was created by dennish man Ole Kirk Christiansen. Although Kirk was known as an ordinary middle-class carpenter, he was actually a mad scientist who worked on the creation of cruel torture devices. One day, he encountered a toys company known as Kiddicraft, famous for their brick-looking toys which could be stacked one upon the other, thanks to the revolutionary technology of studs™. Unfortunately for him, he would discover said technology the worst posible way: by stepping on it. His suffering was so immeasurable, he saw his life flash in front of his eyes; and was about to sue Kiddicraft for their irresponsible design, when Kirk had an awful, macabre idea: use this heinous object for evil! The dennish man would immediately rush to his evil laboratory, with the intent of pursuiting this evil objective; so evil, in fact, he would rather steal the idea, without creditting the original toy company that produced it. Quite an evil plan, indeed.
Production[edit | edit source]
Kirk, after moderate success within the black market, decided to found the Lego Group, with the intent of organizing and controlling the production of small bricks intended to stick to one’s foot. It wouldn’t be long before he realized that he had hit a gold mine, since the demand of Legos went through the roof. The most notorious secret organizations wanted a Lego™ brick for their weapon stockpile: the Illuminati, the Big Brother, the Freemansons, the FBI, the International Jewish Conspiracy, the nazis, the scientologists, the Gay Agenda… All of them made deals with the Lego Group to stock their trained assassins with the most recent technology, and Kirk made a fortune in return.
However, everything would change one unfateful day a parent mistook the weapon as a toy for children. Kirk, rather than politely explain to the misguided parent that he was, in fact, buying a weapon for a child, decided to keep his mouth shut and let the parent find it for his own. It is then when a sinister idea crossed Kirk's mind, much more macabre than his previous idea: marketing his weapon as a toy and capitalize from gullible parents. This is how Ole Kirk Christiansen constructed a capitalist empire of his own.
Present and Future[edit | edit source]
What started as a simple torture device is now a multi-billion dollar company, which mass-produces weapons of mass destruction to the houses of many naive parents around the world, not knowing that what they’re buying is a ticket for their children’s tombstone. What’s worse, is that Lego’s empire of doom has no signs of stopping, thanks to their propaganda-ridden agenda, which includes –but is not limited to-: Lego™ Star Wars ™, Lego™ Pirates of the Caribbean™, the Lego™ Movie™, Lego™ Ninjago™, Lego™ Dimensions™, and their most recent addition to the pile, Lego™ Fortnite™.
May God save us all from pain-inducing bricks!