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Home sweet home after a 18 hour work day.
You have been drafted! Please go report to your recruiter or you will go to jail!!

An army is a social invention, in which young and poor men, who would otherwise have had a zero chance of finding paid employment and lead a good life, are instead recruited, trained, made feel proud of having the opportunity to serve their countries and sent abroad. They need to be fed, but this typically costs less, than it would had they stayed home on benefits. Another advantage is that they will not become critical of their governments, as they will be busy learning how to shoot. While some of them manage to return eventually and in some countries, like America have the opportunity to become teachers under the Troops to Teachers scheme and instill the right attitude in children, other will get shot and will return in a tin coffin, whereby eliminating the need for the state to pay benefits. For this scheme to function smoothly, a handy conflict needs to be provoked every now and then somewhere in the world, anywhere – Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya etc. In this way, America helps to reduce the rates of young men in these affected countries as well so this clearly benefits all and is a win-win situation.

Given the state-of-art technology which exists today, it is no longer necessary for young men to become cannon-fodder. Most of the duties could be easily and cheaply replaced using drones, such as a gun equipped with a propeller and a video camera with a Wi-Fi connection to be operated remotely by teenagers from their bedrooms. Teenagers are used to play bloody computer games anyway so they would be highly competent and no human life would be at risk. But from the green brain perspective there are way too many people in America anyway.

If you want to become a blood and flesh soldier, than the best army in the world is of course the US army, although other countries have also great armies, such as the Army of the People Republic of China (Uncle Sam Ain't Released Me Yet or Yes, My Retarded Ass Signed Up). Army is a group of brave men, women or any gender that scored poorly on their college entrance exam and don't have the sufficient criminal record to join the Navy or Air Force or are simply too clever to join the Marine Corps. Regardless of the kind of army soldiers eventually join, they are always the best.

Why Join the Army?[edit | edit source]

Are you a High School Graduate? No, ok how about GED? Barley literate and from The North? A recently released non-violent felon who can't even get a job mopping floors at Wal-Mart for minimum wage? Ambitious enough to not want to spend your entire adult life as a convenience store clerk but not willing to put in the effort to actually go to college or trade school? Got some girl knocked up? Then we want you! Yes You! If you join the army and survive out fearsome boot camp with its 90% pass rate, you will get paid, you will get a cool gun, just don't ask for body armor or a truck that can stop bullets. Additionally you'll get free training, free food, free accommodation, and a free funeral for the entire duration of your service, and a military pension afterwards if you can make it. You can then spend the rest of your life with one arm, two cats and talking about the huge sacrifice you made to your country in the local pub, if you can find your victim. You also get to tell civilians that you know more than they possibly can about the complexities of defense policy because you spent three years scrubbing a general's car, you have a bumper sticker saying "I support our troops." and you spent your entire life getting into drunken brawls in German strip clubs after telling people you were actually in Special Forces. You can also make fun of the Navy for being a bunch of queers and the Air Force for being a bunch of lard asses, even though if you had scored just a little higher on the entrance exam you'd have joined them. In the army you can blow the fucking shit out the desert. With you gun you get to go pew pew.

Also, you get to shoot shit! How freaking cool is that! Of course they'll be shooting back so that might suck.

Unlike most jobs ,The Army is a prime example of Teamwork.

Backstabbing history of crappy ass armies[edit | edit source]

Ancient Times[edit | edit source]

It is said an army marches on its salad.

The standard ancient army was invented by Alexander the Great but patented by Julius Caesar. In it, armies were divided into hundredths (centuries) each century consisted of five phalanxes, each commanded by a ka-huna or dragoman. A century's five phalanxes were specialised. Phalanx one (consisting of three regiments of eight cohorts) was infantry, or baby troops foot soldiers. Phalanx two consisted of cavalry, or horse soldiers (that is, soldiers who rode horses; not some kind of furry thing). Phalanx three was the corps of political officers, whose job was to ensure that the troops remained loyal to the Communist Party. Phalanx four consisted of archers (these were the dropouts of architecture school who tried to build arches, but never quite got it right). Phalanx five was a backup, in case one of the other four were lost or left near strong magnets.

Medieval Europe[edit | edit source]

In the Middle Ages, armies wielded rattan weapons and fought in home-made armour. Some more sophisticated armies (Zimbabwe) wore loin cloths and poked each other with pointed sticks and slightly jagged rocks. The Vikings then came along from Arnold Schwarzenegger land and started eating babies and other useless people like the Hippies. The French were terrified. Their Escargot was to be eaten! (Well the Vikings really just threw them at people... seriously... who eats that shit?) Meanwhile in Britain the people were still fighting with pointed sticks and jagged rocks. So soon all of Europe was in chaos! The French's Escargot became the first Bio warfare bomb, Britain decided to make countries and said "Lets make a big collection of people and make them fight something." so they did. The rest of Europe did so too and then European Armies were born. This was a grim day... This meant that they wanted to conquer stuff. Which led to the discovery of America and McDonald's.

Medieval Asia[edit | edit source]

Japanese Hello Kitty battalion,1st order of bravery medal.
the weapon that nearly took over the world while going green at the same time

Asian armies of this period were more or less useless, since single heroes could defeat them by leaping high in the air, spinning around a few times and coming down in the middle of the opposing army, slashing them all to ribbons single handed. They also used carrots as a deadly projectile and were capable of hurling them some 40,000 miles into the sky. One carrot could decimate all but the best fighters. Most Asian armies were naked virgins with small dicks. That's why Alexander the Great was screwed.

Napoleonic Age[edit | edit source]

Court portrait of Napoleon by Jacques-Louis David

Armies did not exist between the decline of the armoured knight and the rise of Napoleon. Armies of this time consisted of a) Napoleon and b) thousands of extras. It is thought that navies of the period were commanded by unbendingly stern captains.

Modern Armies[edit | edit source]

Modern armies have been pretty bizarre for the last fifty years, with virtually every conflict between these modern, highly organised, high-tech forces and their oriental enemies, typically scabby losers with homemade guns and molotov cocktails and kalashnikovs in a dusty, god-forgotten place ending in total victory for the scabby losers. Western forces were typically deployed, but rarely made to fight, because civilians could get hurt. Levels of western-induced raping and plundering was also low, with horny Americans so desperate, that they had no other choices but to turn to torturing captured enemies.

Salvation Army[edit | edit source]

The Salvation Army is actually not an army, but a charity. How funny is that? You will need them if you are this typical ex-serviceman as you will drift from state to state.

Weapons of Modern Armies[edit | edit source]

But who cares about how useless they are when we can drool over their cool stuff?

Guns[edit | edit source]

Hello Kitty AR-15,Japanese Army standard issue.

Modern guns are so powerful that they can shoot through solid granite, and yet so light that you barely know you're carrying one (Or shooting one until you shoot your self in the foot or other body part, come to think of it if you shoot your self in the head would you know you did it?). They are forged by the Elves themselves in the Western Lands, which explains their supernatural properties. Giving some soldiers +4 to agility on top of their +5 armor from their Kevlar!

Anti-Tank Weapons[edit | edit source]

state of the art anti-tank weaponry

Cheap and easily made, (resemble taps) these make short work of all sorts of tanks. Power was granted in the landmark 1803 court case, Tank v. Anti-Tank.

Helicopters[edit | edit source]

It's as good as anything we have today.

From the ancient Greek "heli" meaning "crashes" and "'copter'" meaning "a lot". Some people actually go to the bother of shooting these down, though why they do so is a mystery. A little patience, and they'll fall out of the sky of their own accord.

The Sea King Helicopter is a prime example of this theory.

Body Armour[edit | edit source]

Why die of bullet-induced injuries when you can die of heat prostration? But you don't have to worry about that cause they won't fork out the extra $10 anyway<

nofox rules

Knives[edit | edit source]

For commandos and other oiled-up muscle-men who are too hard core to use guns. You sneak up behind an enemy and cut his throat. Unlike many modern weapons, these actually work. Knives are also well-known to make a soldier run faster when carried in the right hand.

Hippies[edit | edit source]


Anti-missile System[edit | edit source]

Anti-Missile systems are like the King Cobra of Missile Defense Systems. They have the ability to shoot down and eat other missiles in flight. If you see one in the wild, don't feed it. Although it is not poisonous, it will strike in self-defense. Remember, it's just as afraid of you, as much as your afraid of it. Can be defeated with the use of unicorns

Aircraft[edit | edit source]

Everything except the F-22 sucks. F-35 is some fancy-ass nonsense with no notable attributes except the VTOL they are so extremely proud of. Russia, developing their Su-47, thought putting the wings the wrong way was correct. The developers of the Eurofighter Typhoon are trying to hide the fact that their planes are actually unable to lift from the ground. Swedish planes will not be mentioned here, out of respect for the readers. Needless to say, the Nimbus 2000 will forever be the superior aircraft available to mankind.

Landmines[edit | edit source]

If memory serves, these are the mythical weapons that Princess Di used as a marital aid. The proper technique for using these so called "landmines" is to shove them up your ass. This will make short work of anyone planning on raping you. The joke is on them now!

Dildos[edit | edit source]

These are not issued, but it's an essential piece of training gear for every soldier. Daily practice will reduce the pain and humiliation when your officer decides to bone you in the ass, bent across his desk for failing to appear in all 26 daily formations, or claiming that puking up blood makes you sick (He will call it "malingering").

Iraq[edit | edit source]

A cunningly built device, capable of luring entire armies to their doom. Can be destroyed with nuclear weapons, though no one's even given a drop of thought to doing so. Nintendo has developed the Revolutiontendo in many variations, depending on what they shall be used for. Saddam Hussein will be given a Revolutiontendo for Christmas so he will be tricked into playing a game console that will only frag him.

Evil toys[edit | edit source]

Doctor Steel's Army of Toy Soldiers employs a variety of evil toys, such as the Gasoline Supersoaker, Buzzsaw Baby, Li'l Gasser Scratch'n'Spark, Baby Grenades, Psycho Sally, and a whole set of Rabies Babies plush toys. Work is progressing on the semi-automatic Dr. Steel Pez dispenser.

Robots[edit | edit source]

Robots have been known to be the primary weapon, other than giant lizards, in the destruction of Japan. They sometimes are piloted by rangers and fight off said giant lizzards to protect whatever the crap they are trying to protect.

The Suicide Battalion[edit | edit source]

Arguably the most important part of an army, 99% of all armies are suicide soldiers. They run directly at the enemy, ignoring the incredibly vulnerable weakpoint. Meanwhile the power hungry generals from both sides meet in a nearby tower and laugh as their men die foolishly. HAHAHA

The Big Mob[edit | edit source]

The big mob was run by Hitler, Joseph Stalin and Mr Bean. The Big Mob is a huge mop that crushes the enemy in thin air. It is used by South America, Cuba, USA And the army of the Chickens.

Mohawk Grenade[edit | edit source]

Created by Mr. T, it must be thrown at the desired area whilest shouting "It's Time to Pity Some Fools" for the full effect- it turns the enemy into Mr. T look-a-likes.

Broomsticks[edit | edit source]

The broostick was donated by Harry Potter. the broomstick is the most eco-friendly way of travel. Unfortunately there is no room for weapons but there is enough room for a quidditch game in the courtyard.

Segways[edit | edit source]

Only in Korea and Japan. Sorry USA, you cant have all the good things.

[edit | edit source]

The army ran low on money in the past year, so they managed to get sponsors to raise money for new tanks.


See also[edit | edit source]