Gay agenda

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The gay agenda. Note the gayness.

The gay agenda was written on February 2, 1983 by anonymous. This historical document, with its stirring prose, is excerpted below:


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Non-gnarly Gay Agenda.
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The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Homosexual Agenda.

The Radical Gay Agenda[edit]

On March 1, 1987, the 120th anniversary of the admittance of Nebraska into the Union, a committee led by Larry Kramer produced the radical gay agenda. This radical reformulation of the gay agenda included:

The Fabulous Gay Agenda[edit]

The Fabulous Gay Agenda (also known as the "Vast Gay Conspiracy") was produced by the CONGPPWGT (Committee of Non-Gay People Preoccupied with Gay Things) on April 19, 1996 to commemorate the 1st anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombings. This agenda included:

According to the world's foremost source of information, Conservapedia, gays secretly control many parts of the US government and have used their influence to, among other things

  1. Promote C++
  2. Increase our dependence on foreign oil, or bacon. I forget which.
  3. Gradually decrease the quality of Uncyclopedia to the point where lame-arse gags like this can be included.

Followers of the Fabulous Gay Agenda came to worship comedian Paul Lynde, who was the "centre squirrel" on the "popular" television show "Hollywood Squares". They came to worship Hollywood, believing it to be controlled by the Fantastic Gay Agenda. (Homosexuals had previously achieved high positions in the entertainment industry, but not agents. Rather, they were freelance contractors of another gay sub-agenda.)

Gnarly Gay Agenda[edit]

The Gnarly Gay Agenda is a secret plan to turn impressionable youngsters into flaming queens through high school sports.

Subtle tools like pastel-coloured protective gear and T-Shirts with slogans like "Brunch? That'd be lovely, Steve" and "Dungarees and Brogues: Not just for Workmen, anymore!" are used to convince Young America that playing jolly bottom games with the other members of the football team is both fun and wholesome, such as the hand to ass slap.

Thankfully, President Bush has signed a bill into law that will outlaw football, protective gear, t-shirts, wombats, teenagers, self-determination before the age of 21 and Ian McKellen.

Under the provisions of the law, young people effected by the machinations of the GGA will be roughly manhandled into waiting vans, stripped naked, probed anally by burly jackbooted FBI agents and pressed into barracks tightly packed with other offenders.

The Bear Agenda[edit]

The bear agenda is the agenda of hirsute, manly bearded and usually chubby gay men (also known as bears). The culture within the bear community is usually Manly, Bacon eating, Beer drinking and is the polar opposite of the Fabulous gay agenda. An official bear agenda was formulated in 2002 one year after 9/11.

The Bear-Bear Agenda[edit]

A surprising amount of bears (of the gay variety) also happen to be Bears (of the Yogi and Boo Boo Variety). A modified agenda was written for them.

agents of the gay agenda[edit]

Many seemingly normal figurines in history have been secret proponents of the gay agenda most notably Judy Garland who encouraged followers to "make the yuletide gay and follow the brick road and is evoked to this day in selected theatres.

See also[edit]