HowTo:Eat an orange
So you want to know how to eat an orange. Maybe you embarrassed yourself at your friend's orange-themed wedding and don't want to repeat that debacle, or maybe you stuck an orange up your butt and realized too late that oranges don't work that way. No matter what your deal is with oranges, this handy guide will ensure you can eat oranges with grace and style.
Step 1: Choosing the right orange[edit | edit source]
Of course, you don't just want to pick any old orange. If you picked one of those mass-produced, additive-loaded "oranges" from grocery stores, no wonder you've had orange problems! One that's been ripening for a few days is perfect for orange-eating beginners like you. If it has a few slices taken out of it, then you'll know that whoever ate it liked it enough to share the orangey goodness. And the oranges you eat should be unique, like you-- find an orange that stands out. Any orange in a dark alley at night will do. Don't be worried if your chosen orange is a bit rotten or moldy, because if the insects and raccoons liked it, then so will you!
Step 2: Getting to know your orange[edit | edit source]
You can't just eat an orange. You have to get to know it first. You can start slow and take the orange to dinner or something, which will help you and your orange develop a bond with each other. From there, you can offer to take the orange dancing or even spend the night together. Oranges love dancing.
Step 3: Eating the orange[edit | edit source]
Once you've chosen your perfect orange and developed a good relationship with it, there are a number of different ways you can go about eating it.
Putting it in a blender[edit | edit source]
3D modeling your orange in the software Blender is a great way to make it manageable enough to eat. It gives you the option of eating a 3D printed orange, which you can change the size or shape of in case you want a plastic orange the size of a sugar cube.
Swallowing it whole[edit | edit source]
We've all swallowed cherry pits before. It's just a thing we all did as little kids. But this isn't the article on how to eat a cherry, is it? Anyway, you have to open your mouth wide enough to comfortably fit the entire orange, or you'll just look silly.
The "Simpsons" method[edit | edit source]
Smashing things against your face is always a good option, especially for oranges. If you followed Step 1, you have a nice, soft orange perfect for smashing against your face to the disgust of the adult education class you're teaching.
If you followed all of these steps, congratulations! You ate an orange!
