Portal:Culinary
Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately for us, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive, so you probably eat it every day. The world of conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. (See more...)
Cooking ... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food. (See more...)
Hello, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you are doing fine since our last week rendez-vous, when we cooked the pickle-stuffed turkey with amber paint sauce. Today, we are going to prepare a delicacy that has been passed on for generations in my family since my great-grandmother, a gypsy and always typsy refugee, invented it in 1923. As is the case with all amazing discoveries, this came about as a result of both sheer luck and bad timing. It was later improved by my grandfather Yuri Larionov, who was a leading USSR scientist employed at the Chernobyl nuclear plant when an inauspicious work incident forced him into retirement. He then had ample time to improve the family recipe book with his lone remaining arm and deeply fried brain. Anyway! Enough babbling, let's get on our way, shall we? My mouth is already producing radioactive secretions.
PERSNICKETY, Arkansas - The waitress at the diner on the corner doesn't find the antics of your rambunctious child to be nearly as entertaining as you think they are.
"Sure, it was adorable for awhile, hon. Everyone in the restaurant thought it was cute when your toddler asked for a 'sammich'. But 'pusketti' was pushing it, no matter how charming your tyke's freckles are. The fact that your urchin got more food on other customers than he got in his mouth didn't win any fans. By 'cheh-wee pah' we were ready to give the insufferable whelp the bum's rush." said Peggy, a long-time employee at the 'Corner Diner', a greasy spoon known for good food at reasonable prices. "My name's not really Peggy. The tag came with the uniform, luv."
"I'm a little surprised that your kid has grown at all. You'd think that a lad his age wouldn't need a bib, but hoo-wee! That one sure does; more goes on him than in him, darlin'. It'd probably save time just to buy him food colored clothes... Children need boundaries; that temper tantrum when I said we were out of chocolate milk was over the line, dear."
Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches.
Cathy opened the first Chick-fil-A restaurant in Atlanta's Greenbriar Mall in 1967 after the success of his earlier restaurant, the Dwarf House, a bar and grill which served mainly dwarf meat, along with the occasional elf kebab. Influenced by a group of protesting cows who couldn't spell, Cathy realized that the over-consumption of beef was a major issue in America and quickly opened a restaurant that would serve only chicken and rival the "Big Burger Chains" of McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's. During one of his daily Bible readings, Cathy supposedly read that "he who lies with a man as he does with a woman dost consume the flesh of the ox in great excess."
The baked potato was a dish which revolutionised cuisine in Europe, whose people had subsided on a stupefying mix of gruel, grass, and sand for millennia. Into this dull landscape arrived the exciting, almost sexually arousing, flavour of the potato. Upon its discovery amid the 15th century, it immediately sparked the Renaissance. The greatest minds of the time are said to have achieved their status through the consumption of baked potatoes. William Shakespeare, for example, subsisted entirely on baked potatoes and butter, according to historical documentation. This extremely exciting diet inspired him to write his even more exciting five hour long history series Henry IV which is so compelling it is produced at least twice a century.
Leonardo Da Vinci preferred the racy option of baked potatoes with oil and basil. Florence was known for its street food where not only wild basil grew threw the cracks of the cobble stones as well as potatoes growing in their back gardens but even entire bottles of olive oil grew out of trees along Florence's rivers.
- ... that just because you shout God is dead does not mean that Chick-fil-A will magically be open on Sundays?
- ... 70% of all berries contain traces of napalm?
- ... 70% of all berries contain traces of napalm?
- ... life is a competition, especially among chefs.
- ... William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found near Marianas Trench.
- ... "real" cheese can take anything up to 17 weeks to pass through the digestive tract?
| “ | My weaknesses have always been food and men, in that order | ” |
— Hannibal Lecter, on weaknesses
| ||
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