Portal:Culinary
Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately for us, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive, so you probably eat it every day. The world of conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. (See more...)
Cooking ... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food. (See more...)
Hey, good morning, sleepyhead. Last night was pretty crazy, wasn't it? I can't believe how much we drank. Seriously, can you believe we killed that whole handle of Relska? What were we thinking? It's always a good time when I come by, isn't it?
Well, here's the thing: I think I owe you an apology. See, last night, while you were passed out, I ate your Haagen-Dazs. I know, I know, it was kind of a dick move on my part. You shouldn't eat another man's ice cream. It's kind of the guy code.
But I had a reason. Give me a chance to explain.
NEW YORK, New York - In a ground-breaking discovery, nutritionists have found that blueberries, previously known as Vaccinium corymbosum, are actually peas that have died of asphyxiation. Furthermore, peas are really the offspring of nomadic extraterrestrials, abandoned during a stop to planet Earth sometime in the Late Precambrian period.
"All this time, we’ve been eating the fetuses of aliens before they could mature past their spore cycle," Stamford biophysicist Dr. Wes Lurevnen says. News of this sort has, naturally, made for some interesting stories.
One pea farmer recalls stumbling on a group of hippies on his farm. "There were four or five of them standing in the middle of my sprouts, buck naked, arms wide, looking at the sun and yelling 'TAKE US WITH YOU!'"
Cracker Barrel is a Southern-themed family style restaurant that operates in North America, particularly in the United States. The chain has locations in 41 states with each business consisting of a restaurant and a country store that sells cheap junk that only your grandmother would want to buy. The nostalgia of the "stuff" these folks peddle easily offsets the extremely poor and toxic quality of the goods. The food itself is fairly decent considering it is processed southern comfort food. Cracker Barrels can be found along the fine Interstate Highways of America: if you see an exit or interchange, chances are there's a Cracker Barrel lurking around the corner waiting to ambush unsuspecting travelers.
On a clear blue day in September, 1869, Old Jedediah Smith of Lebanon, Tennessee thought to himself, "Gee wilikers, I could sure make a ton of money peddling our nasty Tennessee cuisine to unsuspecting Yankee travelers. Maybe I could also sell them cheap banjos or scented candles."
A fortune cookie is a crisp, wafer-like cookie that is baked around a message of infinite wisdom and prophecy. The cookies are usually served after dinner at authentic Chinese restaurants. Although the Chinese have known the secrets of the fortune cookie for millennia, the rest of the world only gained knowledge of the untapped wisdom of the fortune cookie in the mid-15th century, when the prophet Nostradamus utilized fortune cookies and opium to see the future.
The fortune cookie was developed in the early 5th century B.C. by the Chinese philosopher Confucius. Confucius sought to make a delicious treat that provided not only physical nourishment but mental and spiritual nourishment as well. It is said that Confucius spent many days meditating in the mountains of Tibet while training in Tai Chi with Buddhist monks so that he could condense his wisdom.
- ... that just because you shout God is dead does not mean that Chick-fil-A will magically be open on Sundays?
- ... that changing ingredients on the recipe card to make your version is perfectly okay.
- ... that Martha Stewart only uses cutting edge ketchup dispensers?
- ... that the sugar container is the smartest place for ants to make an anthill.
- ... that William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found near Marianas Trench.
- ... that just because you shout God is dead does not mean that Chick-fil-A will magically be open on Sundays?
| “ | My weaknesses have always been food and men, in that order | ” |
— Hannibal Lecter, on weaknesses
| ||
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