Portal:Culinary
Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately for us, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive, so you probably eat it every day. The world of conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. (See more...)
Cooking ... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food. (See more...)
Hey, good morning, sleepyhead. Last night was pretty crazy, wasn't it? I can't believe how much we drank. Seriously, can you believe we killed that whole handle of Relska? What were we thinking? It's always a good time when I come by, isn't it?
Well, here's the thing: I think I owe you an apology. See, last night, while you were passed out, I ate your Haagen-Dazs. I know, I know, it was kind of a dick move on my part. You shouldn't eat another man's ice cream. It's kind of the guy code.
But I had a reason. Give me a chance to explain.
SMITHVILLE, Arkansas- Residents of Smithville, a sleepy hamlet with a population of just over one hundred, are shocked and aghast after a simple meal went horribly, terribly wrong. The dinner, consisting of spaghetti, tossed salad, onion rolls and fresh-squeezed apple juice, was interrupted by an act that shocked and aghasted the family gathered around the family dinner table for a hearty family meal. A meal for dinner. A dinner of spaghetti. Spaghetti and meatball.
"I was just about to dig in to my pusghetti when it happened." said little Cindy Newnan, the youngest child of the Newnan family; a local Smithville clan that regularly gathers in the Newnan family's dining room for dining, Newnan family-style, of the incident. "Someone sneezed. Then it all when to shit. Mom panicked. Dad puked. Barry shit himself..."
"Li'l Cindy!" interrupted Mrs. Newnan. "I didn't raise you to use such language, little lady."
Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches.
Cathy opened the first Chick-fil-A restaurant in Atlanta's Greenbriar Mall in 1967 after the success of his earlier restaurant, the Dwarf House, a bar and grill which served mainly dwarf meat, along with the occasional elf kebab. Influenced by a group of protesting cows who couldn't spell, Cathy realized that the over-consumption of beef was a major issue in America and quickly opened a restaurant that would serve only chicken and rival the "Big Burger Chains" of McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's. During one of his daily Bible readings, Cathy supposedly read that "he who lies with a man as he does with a woman dost consume the flesh of the ox in great excess."
The Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is the longest possible order you could order at Starbucks. Once you have ordered this, you cannot order anything larger. It was ordered only once (in the late 1990's), and it singlehandedly destroyed the economy of South America. It is now illegal in both American Continents, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Antarctica. In fact, it's now illegal everywhere except for a select few unclaimed square inches in the Southern Pacific Ocean and Belgium. The United Nations are working on this problem even as you read this.
Prior to October 26, 2001, the Quadruple Espressinoso Super Grande Light Blueberries And Cream Half-Soy Full City Roast Nonfat Half-caf Organic Caramel Vanilla Iced Double-Shot Macchiato Black Tea Chai Foamed Shaken Sugar-free Cinnamon Eggnog Dolce Peppermint Gingerbread Pumpkin Spice Latte Thrice Blended Extra Hot With Three Ice Cubes Hold The Whipped Cream, One Sweet'N Low, and One Nutrasweet was the longest possible order at Starbucks.
- ... that 70% of all berries contain traces of napalm?
- ... that you shouldn't throw away pickle juice? Mix it with kerosene for an Albanian stomach flu remedy, yum!
- ... that the sugar container is the smartest place for ants to make an anthill.
- ... that in France, cooking is a national sport? Whoever adds the most red wine to a dish wins!
- ... that the most effective way to slice onions without crying is to use your teeth?
- ... that a jacket potato is just like a baked potato except it is encased in a copper-nickel alloy?
| “ | Life is like a box of chocolates: no one likes the parts with raisins in them | ” |
— Forrest Gump, on not liking raisins
| ||
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