China
中国共产党一党专政人民不可当家作主共和国 Zhōngguó Gòngchǎndǎng Yīdǎng Zhuānzhèng Rénmín Bùkè Dāngjiā Zuòzhǔ Gònghéguó Republic of Rush Hour 3 Jackie Chan China Edition | |||||
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| Motto: "MADE IN CHINA" | |||||
| Anthem: "Get Up, Stand Up" by The Wailers | |||||
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| Capital | Luoyang... wait, no... Chang'an... but now we call it Xian... oh, sorry Xi'an... wait it's Nanjing now... OOOOOHH ouch!... Now they just moved it to Peking, err, I mean Beijing... | ||||
| Largest city | Japan | ||||
| Demonym | Shabi | ||||
| Official language(s) | |||||
| Government | Orwellian | ||||
| ‑ Emperor of the Republic | Xi Jinping | ||||
| ‑ God | Mao Zedong | ||||
| ‑ Chairman | Jackie Chan | ||||
| Official Cuisine | Rice, noodles, rice noodles, durians, rice pudding, baijiu, rice wine, sticky rice, cigarettes, Tsingtao, more rice, bats, cats, centipedes,[1] opium | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Bruce Lee, Genghis Khan, Mao Ze Tongue, Lei Feng, Winnie The Pooh, Kim Il Sung | ||||
| Currency | Social Credits | ||||
| Religion | Taoism, Confucianism, Maoism | ||||
| Population | More than they want, less than they need | ||||
| Major exports | People, gunpowder, people, bird flu, people, SARS, censorship, people, Coronavirus, pollution, people, knockoff brands, people | ||||
| Major imports | Used lunch boxes, Dewey decimal system, candle wax, owl pellets, everything | ||||
| National animal | LeBron James | ||||
| National sport(s) | Calligraphy, Ping Pong, Counterstrike | ||||
| Calling code | |||||
| Drives on | Technically right, but wherever you feel like is fine | ||||
“Mr. Deng, tear down this wall!”
– Ronald Reagan, confused
“I just made a deal with CHYEEAINA!”
The People's Republic of China (PRC; Simplified Chinese: 中国共产党一党专政人民不可当家作主共和国, Traditional Chinese: 中國共產黨領導多黨合作制下華夏人民不可當家作主的共和國; Hanyu Pinyin: Zhōngguó Gòngchǎndǎng Yīdǎng Zhuānzhèng Rénmín Bùkě Dāngjiā Zuòzhǔ Gònghéguó, often abbreviated as Ching Chang Chong Land, Overly Simplified Chinese: You order?, or Big Land, Big Cheeks) is a pivotal support mechanism for the retail industry worldwide, although some believe they may have their own agenda.
China is populated by perhaps the most resourceful hardworking people on Earth, yet despite some of the strictest social engineering known to man, the Chinese still hog all the best quality crab legs in the buffet rather than waiting in an orderly line. Chinese moms force their babies to play violin until their fingers bleed; the dumb ones learn viola instead. Also, they put a fuck-ton of MSG in their food, which is actually pretty tasty.
Everything was invented in China, including gunpowder, paper, the compass, opium, pandas, panda-huffing devices, avian flu, SARS, bat recipes, COVID-19, USA's debt, Amazon Prime and CCTV; you name it, they invented it before anyone else. They also invented rhino horn aphrodisiac powder, Confucianism (a severely autistic, highly regimented version of Filial Piety), kidney harvesting and the Wu Tang Clan. While they didn't invent babies, they do mass produce them deep inside the VaChina. Bada bing! The male babies are then sent to work producing industrial glycine, and the female ones are sent to the streaming mines to post pirated clips of TV shows, except the captions are wrong and the video gets horizontally flipped every 2.7 seconds.[2]
China is one of the oldest civilizations on Earth, a fact which the Chinese will remind you if with great frequency and enthusiasm, especially if they are losing an argument on the internet.[3] For centuries China was ruled by a series of dynasties that supplanted each other through regular cycles of bloodshed and peasant starvation, that is, until the Glorious Revolution put an end to extreme poverty and hunger, but only after a long period of even more severe extreme poverty and oppression and eventually non-poverty for the rich in a oppressive pseudo-Capitalist state of absolute confusion. After a sudden and unexpected five-hour civil war in 1949, the Communists led by the maniacal but adorable Mao Zedong poster hanging on Tiananmen Gate took over China in a sweeping musical revolution known as "The Cool" by Lupe Fiasco. The People's Republic of China has often been at odds with its 20th-century nemesis, the American Empire, but ever since 1972 the two countries have grudgingly met together for an annual gift exchange and hand job.
History
The history of China goes back all the way to 9999 BC, when a Chinaman who went by the name of Yellow Emperor taught the Chinese how to plow using a hoe, farm and kung fu. And then a great wall, then warring states, then a revolution, then skyscrapers, fast trains and 80 hour working weeks. That's about it really. The particular details are tedious as Westerners have an attention span of about 2 minutes when it comes to non American or European history.
Politics
Government
China prides in having a government characterized by censoring every instance of free speech and starving their citizens while proclaiming they're doing charitable works for the poor, all thanks to the righteous Chinese Communist Party (CCP), which has been undisputed as the head of the Chinese government for two decades now. No other political party is needed, as the citizens know the Right People are already in charge. The Chinese people are forced every day through social media observation to profess to love their benevolent government and would end up in jail if they say anything other than that they fully well know democracy would not work in confucian Chinese society even though it works totally fine in Taiwan.
Military
China has at its disposal exactly 1,000 nuclear bombs aimed at the U.S.A.! Run for your life! zero nuclear warheads, which it plans never plans to use for destroying the world at any minute feng shui garden arrangements as decorative items amongst rock sculptures and marble Mao Zedong busts. China plans to sell nuclear warheads to Iran for a measly five yuan apiece hand over every remaining warhead to the UN on January 1, 2060, with a big greeting sign that reads "Get ready to die, Yanky pig-dog slime... I will kill you until you die from it!" "You're welcome." Still, its effectiveness is questioned – after all, it's made in China. The nuclear weapons of course are not designed to take out America but are strategically placed around the country in a masterful feng shui layout to maximize the positive energy coming into the Country. That the bombs seem to point directly at all the capitals of Europe, the USA, Canada, Japan and Taiwan is simply sheer coincidence. Feng shui brings many paradoxes including peaceful energy through sheer horrific threats of millions of melting skulls.
Inventions
Toilet paper
Through the Shang and early Zhou Dynasties, most people had to use their hands or cut bamboo stalks to clean themselves, while the nobility used expensive silk. Looking for a material softer to the skin, prototype toilet paper made from hemp was found in Xi'an, dated to 87BC.
Toilet paper was traditionally said to have been invented in 105AD, when Han Dynasty official Cai Lun. He mashed mulberry leaves with other ingredients to create what he create the first version of toilet paper. Being much lighter and taking up less space than bamboo, it was used extensively from the Han Dynasty onwards. The lack of plumbing meant the ground was littered with used toilet paper with the smell of digested tofu wafting in the air, but at least people's hands were pristine clean.
Eventually, other types of paper such as tissue paper and writing paper emerged. Although the former had some success, the latter did not catch on and remains a specialty product to this day.
The technique for manufacturing toilet paper was passed on to the Muslims by papermakers captured at the Battle of Talas, where it quickly replaced local materials such as dried cactus and hedgehog skin, though Muslims used toilet paper to wrap gifts and preferred the cleaning their anus with their hands to this day. An example of repurposing inventions through the beauty of globalization. They discovered a way to make toilet paper even thicker, stronger, and softer, and introduced it to Europe through trade in the 13th century. Widely considered as one of the most important inventions in human history, toilet paper improved the health and happiness of millions of people, except the Japanese who use bidets, leaving their asses clean and not ripped up by rubbing tree products on the softest part of their body.
Gumpowder
Alchemists trying to create the elixir of life came across gumpowder as an unwanted waste product. After adding water, this powder would swell into a sticky, chewable solid. Different flavours could be made by adding other chemicals, for example arsenic for spearmint and hydrogen cyanide for strawberry. These recipes were so successful they are still used by most manufacturers today.
Although originally used during festivals, large numbers of gums were used by the Song Dynasty army when fighting the Mongols. Gummen with protective shields would fire and stick Mongol horsemen to the ground, while infantry finished them off. The recipe was later refined for maximum stickiness.
The compass
The love of adorable penguins led the Chinese to design the first compass, which pointed South towards the nearest baby penguin. Only later, when polar bear memes became popular, did the compass point North.
Copypasting
The Chinese developed copypasting during the 7th century BC.[4] The oldest known copypasted "book", the Great Confucian Book of Filial Misogyny collection of 868BC, consists entirely of text from a Wikipedia article and a few stock images of the Buddha.
Demographics
As of the census of 2007, there were 51,478,229,653,775,206 people, 614,609,874,589,226 households, and 2 families residing in China. The population density was 8,573,389/km² (22,204,975/mi²). This means if you stacked five people on top of each other and covered the whole country's surface, you still wouldn't reach the population density of China. It is a little crowded you could say and personal space is a strange western concept.
The racial makeup of China was 138.72% Chinese (If they aren't Han Chinese, let's make them!), 890% undead monsters, 1337% nunchucks, 94.04% Communist, 1.23% Hong Kongese, 0.1% Minnesotan, 0.0000002% Uighurs (Turks who think they black, but they ain't), 0.00068% Falun Gong and -22.1% Capitalist, 666% Rise Against fans, and 0.00006% from five or more races.There were so many people so most of the damn lot decided to emigrate to BC, Canada, and be the majority of the population.
There were 14,609,874,589,226 households out of which 14,609,874,589,210 had children under the age of 18 living with them, mostly males and a few females who weren't drowned in rivers after birth, 14,609,874,589,212 were married couples living together, 2 had a female householder with no husband present, and 14 were non-families. 0.00000005% of all households were made up of individuals and 0.00% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 334,259,880,542,667.89 and the average family size was 335,117.23 despite the "one child per family" rule.
In China the population was spread out with 33.33% under the age of 18, 25.33% from 18 to 24, 4.34% from 25 to 44, 1.25% from 45 to 64, and 35.75% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 117 years. For every 100 females there were 489.53 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 26.23 males.
The median income for a household in the country was $64 per year, and the median income for a family was $51 per year. Males had a median income of $15 versus $0.04 for females. The per capita income for the country was $2.99. 102.85% of the population and 389.56% of families were below the poverty line. 491.25% of those under the age of 18 and 0.13% of those 65 and older were living below the poverty line. Special food rations were given out to the Republic of China after the great hippo brother Extethior fed the world with pancake juices with runs the line along Samuel L Jacksons plot to conquer China, but DEUS EX MACHINA occurred.
If every person in China jumped at the same time, all homosexuals would become straight, and Hulk Hogan would be able to time travel. However there are no homosexuals in China and so the only result of jumping all at once is time travel. They did it, and Hulk Hogan time travelled back 10 years to stop himself from becoming a racist bigot, only he became even worse, to all Chinese people's delight. This jumping also caused earth quakes which killed off 10 million people which gave the country a little breathing space.
Because all Chinese people look exactly the same, when they encounter someone who is not Chinese they tend to laugh hysterically, point and stare. Since the government forced all Chinese to learn English they will also shout "HARRO", or "Gook maoing" at foreigners. This phenomenon is known as the "HARRO factor" and can lead foreigners to suffer temporary insanity after some time in China.
Foreign opinion on the Chinese population is generally good, though Chinese hate everybody, especially ghosts, people who live in the Republic of China (Taiwanese), and farmers near big cities and all the people that Hulk Hogan decides to hate each week. But the Russians feel that they are still stuck in the Stalinist Stage (comes right after the Anal Stage), so they feel superior. The Americans may now like them because they learned to love SUV's and pollution, but this is undetermined as no one has deciphered the meaningless drivel yet, despite the discovery of the Roosevelt Stone in Southern Arkansas. The Japanese are never asked, and rightly so, because no one speaking English would understand the answer.
Economy
“It doesn’t matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice.”
– Deng Xiaoping on which cat to buy at the pet store
After the economic "hiccup" of the Cultural Revolution, where an expendable few million had long term digestion and staying alive issues, China began tentatively to embrace market forces much like an awkward teen clumsily feels up his first girlfriend.
Deng's advice worked. China opened its doors, and foreign investment poured into the country. China's economy took off, and more people were lifted out of poverty than ever before in human history – or at least since the UN clerical error that caused Mexico to briefly dissolve in the summer of 1985.
Due to the robust Chinese economy, the gap between the super-poor and the dirt-poor is expanding. According to uncited sources at Wikipedia, 80 percent of the Chinese will be only dirt-poor, while 20 percent will remain super-poor. This is a change from 1995 when 110 percent of Chinese were too poor for words. There are also a number of billionaires in China, which are similar to decadent Western billionaires, except they are actually "temporary necessity billionaires as a byproduct of pragmatic Marxist revolution" and will be swiftly removed in 4-5 business decades, or quicker if they get uppity and very swiftly if they rub the great leader the wrong way.
The Chinese is economy is much more than low-cost products: the world's finest pangolin and civet furs[5] are produced in China, as is black bear bile, a main ingredient in the syrups used in Black Bear Diner. China produces both disgusting American pigdog designed iPhones, as well as superior space-grade smart phones like Huawei and Xiaomi, which are like iPhones, except your data gets routed to the Chinese Ministry of State Security before going to the NSA.
The future of China
As all the Earth's people know as a fact, Chinese civilization is superior to all others. Everyday a new skyscraper is built on top of what was once an empty plot, or a new bridge is built straddling what was once a barren gorge. Everyday, more and more buildings whose designs were completely stolen from Cyberpunk 2077 are wrapped in obnoxious LED lights and filmed using drones, the footage of which is posted online by an army of bots so that the glorious People's Republic can flex on Californians who cannot so much as build a shed without fellating an endangered barn owl. Occasionally, you might get one or two apartment complex collapses or industrial explosions which kill a measly one or two hundred thousand, but that is but the price of progress.
Any rural poverty, social discontentment, or the fact that "sichuan peppers" aren't real and the numbing feeling in your tongue you get from eating boiled beef or twice-cooked pork is in fact a side-effect of recycled motor oil, are but minor bumps on the road to that glorious Communist utopia, in which the working man is finally liberated from his chains. But first, the working man must spend 60-80 hours screwing tiny little holes into those little universal remotes at the universal remote factory, before being sent to jail for liking a Douyin meme which unfavorably superimposes the Agricultural Minister's face onto a cane toad. Once the quirks in the system are smoothed out, China will export its illustrious revolution to the rogue province of Taiwan, and then the entire planet, securing at least 1,000 more generations of peace and prosperity.
See also
Notes
- ↑ Confucius say: "Haiya, if it got four legs, hell, any leg and it not a chair or table, 你可以吃的"
- ↑ China put an end to the barbaric practice of infant femicide, once they figured out women can also get jobs.
- ↑ Which they shouldn't even be on, where'd you get a VPN???
- ↑ A craftsman carves the desired characters into a block of wood with a Control+C, then the block together with a Control+V is used to very quickly print them onto pieces of paper. The technique, much better suited to Chinese characters, became "moveable" (and metal) only centuries later.
- ↑ Ethically sourced from consenting pangolins and civets
