Bottom Gear
 | This article may be Overly British |
“Jereny. I ive crashet the fuckim car how do i get inscurencse.”
“haimond you blithering idiot”
Bottom Gaer iz low budjit Briddish motorring shou, preezented by da trio ov preezenturz – Jereny Clorskon, Richerd Haimund, n Jamez Mahy – not in kontaxt ov proffesonal BBC produkshon, but as uniq, unoffishul prohjekt spreaded by da communitee, maynlee on Twotter (now X), Reddit n Dischord.
Unlike der OG shous, in Bottom Gaer da trio oper8 outside da reech ov telly studios, wifout suport ov film crewz, in condishunz often on da verge ov ilegallitee n comun sense. Da resultin shou seemz lyke authen’ic selph-portret ov motorrin nihilizm – unadornd, sumtymz cruel, sumtymz bitterlee komik.
Da budgit iz reportdlee 23 yen per episood, wich reflectz not only in da pictur qualitee n editin, but also in vehickul choise: moztly crusty ol hatchbacks, sum wiv no MOT, sum juz emotionallie unfit 2 exist.
Despyte dis (or becuz ov dis), da shou haz gaind kuldt statuz among sozhal meedya userz, hoo find it a RAW alturrnativ to polishd telly produktshunz.
History[edit | edit source]
Bottom Gaer begun in da yeer 2012, wen Top Gaer woz at da peak ov itz global fam n Jezza Clorskon cud affoord to insault eny nashun durin ‘is lunch brake. But dat’s wen wun ov ‘is rare ideaz – not involvin food or racial slurz – startd 2 form: connikt wiv da yung gen, growed up on meems, sozhal medeea n dereeply flawed sens ov humoer.
Clorskon, Haimund n Mahy decid to kre8 extrreemly low budjit formatt, made ov shakey PowrPoint collajez, audi-o recordin full ov sssssss, accent malfunctshunz n unholy screamin, all shown on X (formurly Twotter), Reddit n da Cursed Discord.
Dey call’d it “portfolyo diversyfishun” to da lawayurz. Realitee woz: 3 crustee men havin a panik attack in memeland, tryin 2 suvive in world where noboddy knoz wat a diffrenshul iz. Dey drov cardbord kaars, builded enjins from microwavez, n tested Land Ruvver at a heroin festivul in Mancchestur. It woz dangeorus, raw n mortally stoopid – espechully 4 da audience.
2014 (or 15, idk lol) markd da end ov Era One. Clorskon allegidly “tenndurlie strok’d a producorz testiculs” bcuz cold foood. Da meedya call’d it “phyzicul assaolt,” da fanbas say “misdirect’d luv.” BBC sed: no mor, an Bottom Gaer ded – strangl’d by itz own sarcasm.
But lyke most boomers, da 3 olde men didn’t die – dey just switch’d plattforms. In 2016, The Grand Tour woz born, an wiv it da filthie digital cloon: The Grand Trip – dis tyme wiv a budgit biggr than Malta’s GDP n camrawork dat look’d like epileptik Ridley Skott fell in2 a lens box.
The Grand Trip end’d in 2024, along wiv da last drop ov dignitee dis franchise ever had.
Presenters[edit | edit source]
Jereny Cockson[edit | edit source]
- Date of Birth: 11th April 1960
- Date of Death: N/A – Never Confirmed, Highly Contagious
- Nationality: British (pending revocation)
Jereny Cockson is da ideologickal core ov Bottom Gaer™, an by “core” we meen screamin post-imperial delooshun at 137 decibelz. Originully a “motorin journlist” but now rebrand’d az vehickular wiseman, high on nostalgia, bacon, class warfayr n petrol vape.
- Blood typ: Castrol GTX
- Diet: Pork piez, rage, n rare artisanal crack
- Vehickul crimz: 120+ across 9 cuntries, 4 warzones, 1 timeloop
He sayz health n safety iz “a Brussels psyop,” Geneva Conventionz r “PDF files for cowards,” n he ownz an MG ZT wiv no brakes but 3 radios.
Richman Hanomd[edit | edit source]
Date of Birth: 19th December 1969
Date(s) of Death:
- 2006 (Jet-powered dragster impact)
- 2012 (High-speed crash inside Tesco)
- 2017 (Diesel overdose via milkshake siphoning)
- 2018 (Rimac crash)
- 2020 (Fell into a portable crematorium)
- 2023 (Spontaneous combustion in Vauxhall Viva)
- Several more undocumented
- Nationality: Mostly British. Some synthetic.
- Dying rate: 9,7 times per episode
Hanomd is a semi-legal spark plug gremlin, height ov glovebox, soul of Ford Transit. He haz dyed 9.7 tymz per episode, survived more than NHS logic can process. Has been paste, ash, ghost, and sumtyms all at once.
Despite bein medically banish’d, he returnz 4 evry shootin, usuallee flyin thru a barn wall on fire screamin “IT’S GOT A V6.”
Jams ‘Object of the Bottom Gear™ Team’ May[edit | edit source]
Date of Birth: 16th January 1963
Date(s) of Death:
- 2011 (Accidentally atomised by toaster engine)
- 2015 (Ethically disqualified from existence by UN)
- 2022 (Voluntarily dematerialised during an emissions test)
- 2024 (Overdosed on knowledge and petrol station sushi)
- Nationality: Unknown. Technically extradimensional.
- Dying rate: Approx. 1 times per season
Jams May used 2 be da “sensible one”. Now hez become sumthing cosmic. Speeks n moves like cardigan-wrapped god. Builds engines out ov regret n brass. Worshipped by cults ov spanner druids as The Engineer Who Laughs in Torque.
Lawz do not apply. Tim followz Jams. Logic bends round his kettle. His crimz exist beyond ur taxcode.
Average program features[edit | edit source]
So Jereny Woke Up In Ikea Carpark, He Was Sleepin In Boot Of Renault Megane Full Of Spoons. He Say “WHERE AM IS” And Chugs Can Of WD40 He Think Is Monster Energy. He Fall Sideways, Vomit On Fox, Then Stand Up And Say “TODAY WE TESTIN CARS WIT CHILDREN SAFETY FEATURES, MAINLY HOW MANY IT CAN HIT BEFORE GETTIN STUCK.”
He Walk Up 2 A Fiat Multipla Made Entirely Of Eggboxes And Screws, Painted Red Wit Word “SAFETEE” Written On Side In Crayon. He Get In, Push Accelerator Wich Is Just A Brick Tied To Banana, And Drive It Directly Into Playground. Several Casualtees. He Say “INTERESTIN RESULT”.
Meanwhile, Hanmnd Is At Petrol Station Pourin Orange Juice Into Vauxhall Corsa Engine Because “IT HAS VITAMINS”. Car Catch Fire Instantly, He Shout “IS FINE” And Try Put Out Fire By Peein On It. Explosion. He Die. He Respawn Inside Skip Behind B&M Bargains, Covered In Twix Wrappers, Say “WHY DO ME EXIST”.
He Then Try Build “SUPERCAR” FROM 2 LADDERS, 1 DOOR, N A LIVE FOX. He Tape Them Together, Add Wheels From Shopping Cart, And Drive Into River. Jeremy Laughin In Distance, Say “NOW THATS WOT I CALL ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY.” Fox Survive. Hammond Does Not.
Back In Abandoned Aircraft Hangar Wich They Call "Studio", James May Is Pourin Glowin Liquid Into Lego Bricks, He Say “IM MAKING ENGINE WOT RUN ON FRIENDSHIP AND DEATH”. He Start Motor. Motor Begin Screaming. Brick Turns Into Vibratin Cube Of Pure Hate. James Say “I THINK IT WORKS”.
He Install Engine Into Volvo Estate Made Of Sadness. Car Immediately Drive Itself Into Ministry Of Defence. Nuclear Alarm Go Off. Jeremy Say “IS FINE HE DO THAT LOTS.”
Cut To Segment Where They Race Each Other In Modified Mobility Scooters Through Minefield Covered In Clowns. Jeremy Has Strapped Flame Thrower To Back For “AERODYNAMICS”, Hammond Just Has A Stick, James May Is Floating Slightly Above Ground And Emittin Low Hum.
Race Start. Jeremy Immediately Crash Into Fence, Fence Explodes, Nearby Sheep Catches Fire. He Say “WELL THATS NOT IDEAL”. Hammond Hit Mine, His Arms Gone. He Still Try Drive Wit His Teeth. Fails. Dies Again. James Just Vanishes, Leaves Behind Trail Of Ash N IKEA Instructions.
Halfway Thru, Car Made Of Tarmac And Knife Show Up. No One Know Who Made It. It Kills Cameraman. Jeremy Try Interview It, But It Screams In Latin And Drives Off Into Asda. Segment Cancelled.
Final Scene: They Try To Make “ECO CAR” Out Of Broccoli, VHS Tapes, And 12 Litres Of Mayonnaise. Jeremy Test It By Pushing It Off Cliff Into Orphanage Made Of Gasoline. James May Lights It With Toothpick. Massive Explosion. “DATA COLLECTED,” He Says, Bleeding From Eye.
Closing Shot: Jeremy Sitting On Wreckage Of Matiz, Shirt On Fire, Saying “NEXT WEEK WE PUT ENGINE IN HORSE TO SEE IF IT STILL A HORSE.”
Drug Abuse[edit | edit source]
RARE CRACK COCAINE INCIDENT IN STUDIO (S5E3)[edit | edit source]
"Oi James mate you gotTO perform teh exhalation of this rare crack cocaine."
During filmin of episoade “Exhalation of Rare Crack Cocane, pt II”, Jereny Cockson was witnessd inhailin HIGH-GRADE RARE CRACK COCAINE directly inside da BBC studiroom. Dis happend not on test track, but INSYDE, where fire lawz apply.
- Crack source: Unknoun but allegedly fund in Hanomd's secret stash of crack.
- Pipe used: Designer piece by Porch Degisn Sutdio™, fitted wif baby turbo.
- Studio air becum thick wif visible hallucination fog.
CASE 2: THE WEE’D MURDER (S6E4 – “The Tokin Trial”)[edit | edit source]
Dis ep markd da first (and only?) on-air vehicul manslaughter by firearm. Jamz Mayb enter studio, smell no W’eed, and shout da now-infamous line:
“WHERE’S MY W'EED?!”
- Richman was hit in left shoulder, spleen, and vape cartridge.
- He surviv but beg speak in binary and oil drools.
- Audience cheer, mistakin incident for “scripted segment.”
CASE 3: THE JOINT OF ADDICTSHUN (S7E1 – “High Torque”)[edit | edit source]
During da vehikul review of a weed-fueled Honda Civic, Jereny Cockson inhale an approximate 0.5 meter JOINT on-camera, stylized as “Intro to combustion theory.”
Quote (verbatim, muffled by flame):
“HAMMÉ OI NEED MOORE BOOFÉ YEH, OI EM ADIC TED.
- Smoke exit his pores
- He then attempt 2 drive backwards at 200mph in 2nd gear, claimin car was “singin to him.”
| SYMPTOM | EVIDENCE FROM EPISODES | EFFECT |
|---|---|---|
| Inhalation-induced rage | "WHERE'S MY WEE'D?" | Targeted homicide |
| Cannabinoid overload | “HAMMÉ OR NEED MORE BOOFY” | Cognitive melt |
| Cocaine combustion | Studio fog, “He smokin da wall” | Reality misalign |
Names of Show[edit | edit source]
Bottom Gear[edit | edit source]
Dis iz da mainsource ov da creytive haemorhage. Show startz in da early 2010z wen Jeremy Clorskon, Richerd Haimund, and Jamez May realize BBC iz 2 tame, and budget ov £3 million iz 2 hi. So dey grab Camcordr, a dell laptop, an a JPEG ov car, n’ dey start Bottom Gear.
- Jezza yells “POWAH” at a Ford Ka till it explodz.
- Haimund drinks 2 much diesel an says "I m car now" befor crashin in2 a school.
- May trie 2 explain gearbox ratios but gets stabbd by sound effectz.
- Narration iz AI-voic ov man drownin in soup.
- No scripts. No rules. Only Ford Mondeo.
Usually postd 2 Reddit, X, Discord serverz, and sometimes found scrawled on da side ov bridge in Wigan.
Reverse Gear[edit | edit source]
Reverse Gear iz da temporally corruft spin-off ov Bottom Gear, recordd entirley bakkwards. Dey film climax first (usally a fatal crash), then write plot in revurse.
- Jezza drivez Reliant Robbin in2 Piston Cup... and winz... bakkwards... with n0 wheeIs.
- Haimund iz born agan durin test ov Daihatsu Hijet.
- Jamez May unspillz tea onto TARDIS an becomz da Prime Ministur ov pre-2008 Iceland.
Episodz includ:
- “Da Car Reassemblz Itself”
- “Unpunching da Producer”
- “Jamez May Undoze Brexit”
Medium Rare[edit | edit source]
We gonna cook now.
Dis verzion ov show takz da clozest aproach 2 thermonuclear cuisine.
- Hostz cook entire 3-course meal on overheated engine ov Rover Metro. Jezza sez “It’s got flavour ov burnt clutch.”
- Haimund roasts sausagz in da exhaust pipe, getz 3rd degre burns.
- Jamez makez béarnaise sauce out of Castrol GTX.
- Signature dish: Brake Pad Wellington.
- Visual styl iz 90% oil splash n 10% screaming.
Jeremy screamz "YES CHEF" at fire extinguisher for 19 minutes straight.
High Gear[edit | edit source]
Dis da fast vershon. No brayn. Only speeeeeed.
- All vehiculz must exceed Mach 1.
- Jeremy drivez Peugeot 206 equipped with 2 leaf blowers and nuclear warhed.
- Hammond bcomz jetpilot in IKEA parking lot.
- Jamez just floatz 30 ft in da air, screamin “Why am I helium??”
In one ep, da hosts race at 80,000 feet, Jezza survives by punching atmosphere.
Budget: 12 yen + bag of Monster Munch.
Laws of physics r just optional.
Button Gear[edit | edit source]
Da mental health arc.
- Jeremy swallo 5 schizophrenia tabletz by mistake (or design) and Button Gear iz born.
- Richerd Haimund n Jamez May no longer exist in physical realm.
- Appear as cutout PNGz.
- Only Jezza can hear dem.
- Jamez only speakz in Morse code.
- Jeremy yells at microwave for "stealin his gearknob."
Whole show takz place in 1 garage in Swindon.
