Portal:Culinary
Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately for us, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive, so you probably eat it every day. The world of conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. (See more...)
Cooking ... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food. (See more...)
Sir? Excuse me, sir. I don't know if you noticed, but my potato chips are soggy.
My potato chips are fucking soggy. You know why they're soggy?
Because you bumped into me while I was drinking my glass of water and forced several drops over the rim and into my basket which contains a ham and cheese sandwich (thankfully unharmed) and a handful of chips that were up until very recently decidedly NOT soggy.
You think I'm crazy? Look at the name of these chips: Crunchers. Why, pray tell, are they called Crunchers? BECAUSE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CRUNCHY. How can they be crunchy if they're motherfucking soggy?
BOCA RATON, Florida – The East coast isn't the only area of America that has seen daily life altered by severe weather this winter. Jack "Buddy" York was the victim of the new year's harsh climate when his annual cookout had to be postponed last Sunday. "This was the fourth annual cookout and this crazy global warming--or global cooling, whatever you want to call it--ruined the whole thing," the 73-year-old said from his condo. York is a native of Augusta, Maine, which along with all of the Northeast, is known for its cold temperatures and major snowfalls this time of year. But the retiree, who moved to Florida seven years ago with his wife of 57 years, Margo, has grown accustomed to his new sunny climate. "It's colder than Clara Bow's tits out there!"
The cookout had to be delayed when the temperature dipped to what York described as a "Nordic ball-numbing" 61 degrees Fahrenheit. This sent most of Boca Raton's residents, with an average age of 70, shuffling inside and under heated blankets. Dale Kern, a member of the Boca Raton City Council, successfully lobbied for the city to be placed under a "weather emergency" for the rest of the day. "I know Buddy had his cookout set for that day, but I did not feel safe allowing our citizens out in those conditions," Kern would later say. But some weren't buying it. "That paper hanger is just mad that I beat him in Pinochle four times in a row on Friday. Spiteful bastard," said York.
Cracker Barrel is a Southern-themed family style restaurant that operates in North America, particularly in the United States. The chain has locations in 41 states with each business consisting of a restaurant and a country store that sells cheap junk that only your grandmother would want to buy. The nostalgia of the "stuff" these folks peddle easily offsets the extremely poor and toxic quality of the goods. The food itself is fairly decent considering it is processed southern comfort food. Cracker Barrels can be found along the fine Interstate Highways of America: if you see an exit or interchange, chances are there's a Cracker Barrel lurking around the corner waiting to ambush unsuspecting travelers.
On a clear blue day in September, 1869, Old Jedediah Smith of Lebanon, Tennessee thought to himself, "Gee wilikers, I could sure make a ton of money peddling our nasty Tennessee cuisine to unsuspecting Yankee travelers. Maybe I could also sell them cheap banjos or scented candles."
The baked potato was a dish which revolutionised cuisine in Europe, whose people had subsided on a stupefying mix of gruel, grass, and sand for millennia. Into this dull landscape arrived the exciting, almost sexually arousing, flavour of the potato. Upon its discovery amid the 15th century, it immediately sparked the Renaissance. The greatest minds of the time are said to have achieved their status through the consumption of baked potatoes. William Shakespeare, for example, subsisted entirely on baked potatoes and butter, according to historical documentation. This extremely exciting diet inspired him to write his even more exciting five hour long history series Henry IV which is so compelling it is produced at least twice a century.
Leonardo Da Vinci preferred the racy option of baked potatoes with oil and basil. Florence was known for its street food where not only wild basil grew threw the cracks of the cobble stones as well as potatoes growing in their back gardens but even entire bottles of olive oil grew out of trees along Florence's rivers.
- ... that you shouldn't throw away pickle juice? Mix it with kerosene for an Albanian stomach flu remedy, yum!
- ... that "real" cheese can take anything up to 17 weeks to pass through the digestive tract?
- ... that around midnight you can find the answers to life by staring into your refrigerator?
- ... that life is a competition, especially among chefs.
- ... that a jacket potato is just like a baked potato except it is encased in a copper-nickel alloy?
- ... that in France, cooking is a national sport? Whoever adds the most red wine to a dish wins!
| “ | Life is like a box of chocolates: no one likes the parts with raisins in them | ” |
— Forrest Gump, on not liking raisins
| ||
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