Portal:Culinary
Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately for us, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive, so you probably eat it every day. The world of conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. (See more...)
Cooking ... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food. (See more...)
It is a recognised fact that when a restaurant becomes too popular, the chef is worked-off his or her feet trying to keep all those tables supplied with appetising, nutritious food. Increasing the prices may offer a temporary relief from the over-popularity of the restaurant, or it may instead create an atmosphere of quality and exclusiveness, thereby increasing custom further still. What is in fact needed is a way to reduce the number of customers to manageable proportions, but without resorting to such unpopular or illegal measures as salmonella or e-coli. A switch from food to nouvelle cuisine provides the ideal answer in such circumstances.
No one single characteristic describes nouvelle cuisine. Rather, a combination of known attributes, when seen together, determine the style to exist. Nouvelle cuisine dishes are invariably served on a plate at least three times the diameter required to hold the meal itself. Sometimes, the plate is so large that places must be double-spaced. The very large size of plate allows adequate free space, unencumbered with food, for the chef to demonstrate his or her artistic talent.
SMITHVILLE, Arkansas- Residents of Smithville, a sleepy hamlet with a population of just over one hundred, are shocked and aghast after a simple meal went horribly, terribly wrong. The dinner, consisting of spaghetti, tossed salad, onion rolls and fresh-squeezed apple juice, was interrupted by an act that shocked and aghasted the family gathered around the family dinner table for a hearty family meal. A meal for dinner. A dinner of spaghetti. Spaghetti and meatball.
"I was just about to dig in to my pusghetti when it happened." said little Cindy Newnan, the youngest child of the Newnan family; a local Smithville clan that regularly gathers in the Newnan family's dining room for dining, Newnan family-style, of the incident. "Someone sneezed. Then it all when to shit. Mom panicked. Dad puked. Barry shit himself..."
"Li'l Cindy!" interrupted Mrs. Newnan. "I didn't raise you to use such language, little lady."
Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches.
Cathy opened the first Chick-fil-A restaurant in Atlanta's Greenbriar Mall in 1967 after the success of his earlier restaurant, the Dwarf House, a bar and grill which served mainly dwarf meat, along with the occasional elf kebab. Influenced by a group of protesting cows who couldn't spell, Cathy realized that the over-consumption of beef was a major issue in America and quickly opened a restaurant that would serve only chicken and rival the "Big Burger Chains" of McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's. During one of his daily Bible readings, Cathy supposedly read that "he who lies with a man as he does with a woman dost consume the flesh of the ox in great excess."
A fortune cookie is a crisp, wafer-like cookie that is baked around a message of infinite wisdom and prophecy. The cookies are usually served after dinner at authentic Chinese restaurants. Although the Chinese have known the secrets of the fortune cookie for millennia, the rest of the world only gained knowledge of the untapped wisdom of the fortune cookie in the mid-15th century, when the prophet Nostradamus utilized fortune cookies and opium to see the future.
The fortune cookie was developed in the early 5th century B.C. by the Chinese philosopher Confucius. Confucius sought to make a delicious treat that provided not only physical nourishment but mental and spiritual nourishment as well. It is said that Confucius spent many days meditating in the mountains of Tibet while training in Tai Chi with Buddhist monks so that he could condense his wisdom.
- ... that you shouldn't throw away pickle juice? Mix it with kerosene for an Albanian stomach flu remedy, yum!
- ... that William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found near Marianas Trench.
- ... that changing ingredients on the recipe card to make your version is perfectly okay.
- ... that 70% of all berries contain traces of napalm?
- ... that life is a competition, especially among chefs.
- ... that to avoid drying out lean cuts of meat containing only 7% fat or less, simply fry the meat in 1/2 cup of oil.
| “ | I like my women like I like my coffee, shipped in a burlap sack from Guatamala | ” |
— Man who likes burlap sacks
| ||
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