Portal:Culinary
Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately for us, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive, so you probably eat it every day. The world of conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. (See more...)
Cooking ... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food. (See more...)
It is a recognised fact that when a restaurant becomes too popular, the chef is worked-off his or her feet trying to keep all those tables supplied with appetising, nutritious food. Increasing the prices may offer a temporary relief from the over-popularity of the restaurant, or it may instead create an atmosphere of quality and exclusiveness, thereby increasing custom further still. What is in fact needed is a way to reduce the number of customers to manageable proportions, but without resorting to such unpopular or illegal measures as salmonella or e-coli. A switch from food to nouvelle cuisine provides the ideal answer in such circumstances.
No one single characteristic describes nouvelle cuisine. Rather, a combination of known attributes, when seen together, determine the style to exist. Nouvelle cuisine dishes are invariably served on a plate at least three times the diameter required to hold the meal itself. Sometimes, the plate is so large that places must be double-spaced. The very large size of plate allows adequate free space, unencumbered with food, for the chef to demonstrate his or her artistic talent.
SMITHVILLE, Arkansas- Residents of Smithville, a sleepy hamlet with a population of just over one hundred, are shocked and aghast after a simple meal went horribly, terribly wrong. The dinner, consisting of spaghetti, tossed salad, onion rolls and fresh-squeezed apple juice, was interrupted by an act that shocked and aghasted the family gathered around the family dinner table for a hearty family meal. A meal for dinner. A dinner of spaghetti. Spaghetti and meatball.
"I was just about to dig in to my pusghetti when it happened." said little Cindy Newnan, the youngest child of the Newnan family; a local Smithville clan that regularly gathers in the Newnan family's dining room for dining, Newnan family-style, of the incident. "Someone sneezed. Then it all when to shit. Mom panicked. Dad puked. Barry shit himself..."
"Li'l Cindy!" interrupted Mrs. Newnan. "I didn't raise you to use such language, little lady."
Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches.
Cathy opened the first Chick-fil-A restaurant in Atlanta's Greenbriar Mall in 1967 after the success of his earlier restaurant, the Dwarf House, a bar and grill which served mainly dwarf meat, along with the occasional elf kebab. Influenced by a group of protesting cows who couldn't spell, Cathy realized that the over-consumption of beef was a major issue in America and quickly opened a restaurant that would serve only chicken and rival the "Big Burger Chains" of McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's. During one of his daily Bible readings, Cathy supposedly read that "he who lies with a man as he does with a woman dost consume the flesh of the ox in great excess."
The baked potato was a dish which revolutionised cuisine in Europe, whose people had subsided on a stupefying mix of gruel, grass, and sand for millennia. Into this dull landscape arrived the exciting, almost sexually arousing, flavour of the potato. Upon its discovery amid the 15th century, it immediately sparked the Renaissance. The greatest minds of the time are said to have achieved their status through the consumption of baked potatoes. William Shakespeare, for example, subsisted entirely on baked potatoes and butter, according to historical documentation. This extremely exciting diet inspired him to write his even more exciting five hour long history series Henry IV which is so compelling it is produced at least twice a century.
Leonardo Da Vinci preferred the racy option of baked potatoes with oil and basil. Florence was known for its street food where not only wild basil grew threw the cracks of the cobble stones as well as potatoes growing in their back gardens but even entire bottles of olive oil grew out of trees along Florence's rivers.
- ... that "real" cheese can take anything up to 17 weeks to pass through the digestive tract?
- ... that the sugar container is the smartest place for ants to make an anthill.
- ... that around midnight you can find the answers to life by staring into your refrigerator?
- ... that to determine if an egg is hardboiled, spin the egg on the counter: if it splatters all over the floor, it isn't.
- ... that "real" cheese can take anything up to 17 weeks to pass through the digestive tract?
- ... that to avoid drying out lean cuts of meat containing only 7% fat or less, simply fry the meat in 1/2 cup of oil.
| “ | My weaknesses have always been food and men, in that order | ” |
— Hannibal Lecter, on weaknesses
| ||
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