Portal:Culinary
Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately for us, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive, so you probably eat it every day. The world of conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. (See more...)
Cooking ... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food. (See more...)
Hey, good morning, sleepyhead. Last night was pretty crazy, wasn't it? I can't believe how much we drank. Seriously, can you believe we killed that whole handle of Relska? What were we thinking? It's always a good time when I come by, isn't it?
Well, here's the thing: I think I owe you an apology. See, last night, while you were passed out, I ate your Haagen-Dazs. I know, I know, it was kind of a dick move on my part. You shouldn't eat another man's ice cream. It's kind of the guy code.
But I had a reason. Give me a chance to explain. (See more...)
NEW YORK, New York - In a ground-breaking discovery, nutritionists have found that blueberries, previously known as Vaccinium corymbosum, are actually peas that have died of asphyxiation. Furthermore, peas are really the offspring of nomadic extraterrestrials, abandoned during a stop to planet Earth sometime in the Late Precambrian period.
"All this time, we’ve been eating the fetuses of aliens before they could mature past their spore cycle," Stamford biophysicist Dr. Wes Lurevnen says. News of this sort has, naturally, made for some interesting stories.
One pea farmer recalls stumbling on a group of hippies on his farm. "There were four or five of them standing in the middle of my sprouts, buck naked, arms wide, looking at the sun and yelling 'TAKE US WITH YOU!'" (See more...)
Cracker Barrel is a Southern-themed family style restaurant that operates in North America, particularly in the United States. The chain has locations in 41 states with each business consisting of a restaurant and a country store that sells cheap junk that only your grandmother would want to buy. The nostalgia of the "stuff" these folks peddle easily offsets the extremely poor and toxic quality of the goods. The food itself is fairly decent considering it is processed southern comfort food. Cracker Barrels can be found along the fine Interstate Highways of America: if you see an exit or interchange, chances are there's a Cracker Barrel lurking around the corner waiting to ambush unsuspecting travelers.
On a clear blue day in September, 1869, Old Jedediah Smith of Lebanon, Tennessee thought to himself, "Gee wilikers, I could sure make a ton of money peddling our nasty Tennessee cuisine to unsuspecting Yankee travelers. Maybe I could also sell them cheap banjos or scented candles." (See more...)
The baked potato was a dish which revolutionised cuisine in Europe, whose people had subsided on a stupefying mix of gruel, grass, and sand for millennia. Into this dull landscape arrived the exciting, almost sexually arousing, flavour of the potato. Upon its discovery amid the 15th century, it immediately sparked the Renaissance. The greatest minds of the time are said to have achieved their status through the consumption of baked potatoes. William Shakespeare, for example, subsisted entirely on baked potatoes and butter, according to historical documentation. This extremely exciting diet inspired him to write his even more exciting five hour long history series Henry IV which is so compelling it is produced at least twice a century.
Leonardo Da Vinci preferred the racy option of baked potatoes with oil and basil. Florence was known for its street food where not only wild basil grew threw the cracks of the cobble stones as well as potatoes growing in their back gardens but even entire bottles of olive oil grew out of trees along Florence's rivers. (See more...)
- ... that I don't appreciate your attitude towards my potato chip situation?
- ... that life is a competition, especially among chefs.
- ... that "real" cheese can take anything up to 17 weeks to pass through the digestive tract?
- ... that changing ingredients on the recipe card to make your version is perfectly okay.
- ... that William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found near Marianas Trench.
- ... that OMGWTFBBQ has very little to do with barbecue?
| “ | I like my women like I like my coffee, shipped in a burlap sack from Guatamala | ” |
— Man who likes burlap sacks
| ||
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