UnNews:Local Waitress doesn't think your kid is so cute

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 January 2007

This woman is wanted by law enforcement for chastising children and collecting ceramic clowns.

PERSNICKETY, Arkansas -- The waitress at the diner on the corner doesn't find the antics of your rambunctious child to be nearly as entertaining as you think they are.

"Sure, it was adorable for awhile, hon. Everyone in the restaurant thought it was cute when your toddler asked for a 'sammich'. But 'pusketti' was pushing it, no matter how charming your tyke's freckles are. The fact that your urchin got more food on other customers than he got in his mouth didn't win any fans. By 'cheh-wee pah' we were ready to give the insufferable whelp the bum's rush." said Peggy, a long-time employee at the 'Corner Diner', a greasy spoon known for good food at reasonable prices. "My name's not really Peggy. The tag came with the uniform, luv."

"I'm a little surprised that your kid has grown at all. You'd think that a lad his age wouldn't need a bib, but hoo-wee! That one sure does; more goes on him than in him, darlin'. It'd probably save time just to buy him food colored clothes... Children need boundaries; that temper tantrum when I said we were out of chocolate milk was over the line, dear."

The other patrons of the diner agree. "The gol-dang guttersnipe got a meatball in my coffee. I come here to relax, read the paper, and mull over the day. I shouldn't have to pick lumps out of my java." remarked one elderly gentleman.

"I paid my bill, put on my cap as I was leaving and, blech, a drip of ice cream rolled down the back of my neck. If you aren't willing to discipline the brat, there's a whole restaurant full of people willin' to do it for ya'. I'm pretty sure the little terror stuck the end of a roll of toilet paper in the bowl and flushed the whole damn thing, too." said another customer, "I had to ask buddy in the next stall to share his. That's gettin' too personal."

The diner management is circulating a petition to ban both you and your kid from eating there.

"Next time, just go to Denny's...and stop staring at my chest, buster." closed Peggy before shuffling off to freshen someone's cup.