User:Simsilikesims/United States of America

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The Glorious Democratic People's Republic of the United Pope States of The Greater Fatass Americania
American Flag
President: Barack Osama
Motto: Lorem Ipsum Dolorum Est

English: Bombs for you, and you, and you, and you.

Anthem: America, Fuck Yeah
Latest National Statement: "Debts? What debts? Oh, those? Pffft! Why don't you and your army make us. Hahahaha!
National Seal
Official Map
Official languages: -Southern Drawl


Government: Bi-polar
Capital: New York Shitty (NYS)
Demographic: -Hybrid-American (70%)

-Other (29%)
-Slutty-American (nearly-all%)
-Politician-American (too-much%)
-Police-American (don't-tase-me-bro!%)
-Obese-American (100%)
-Wirehaired Asthmatic SPaniel 0.2%
-Zombie-American (45.2% and rising! AHHH! THE SERUM'S NOT WORKING!)

Worst Places/There Be Redneckusses Here: -Anywhere, New Jersey

-Hoochianifoofaloo, Louisiana
-Beaversweat, West Vagina
-Toad Suck, Arkansas
-Wyoming (Elevation, 26,123 ft. Population: Dick Cheney)

Religion: Capitalism
National Sports -Homosexual Tackling

-Fescue Contemplation
-Ignoring Canadians

Natural Resources: Stupidity
National Tree: Cannabis
National Beaver: Paris Hilton
Queen: Her Royal Highness
Queen Harpo Winfrey I
Prime Minister: Fred Phelps
Greatest American: Sean Hannity
You're A Great American, Sir!
Area: America, duh
Currency: Chinese Dong
National Products: -Garbage

-Coca Cola

Exports: -Problems


Imports: -Food

-Illegal Immigrants
-Chinese consumer electronics
-Food (possible theme, here)
-Made in China stickers

This article is about the Untied Skates of America, a novelty company supplying the world with war and amusement since 1776. For the fast food chain known as America, click here, bitch.

“Neeeeever heard of it...”

~ Donald Sutherland, on the U.S.A.

“It's a Mexican's heaven.”

~ Oscar Wilde on U.S.A.

The Unindicted Snakes of America Inc. (also: America[1], The World's Cop[2], China West[3], Nosy Fucking Nelly) is a novelty company with a massive budget problem. Originally a spin-off of the the failed British United Tea & Tits, U.S.A. Inc. began as a loosely-affiliated group of gift shops, dealing in rubber vomit and whoopee cushions. Through mergers, hostile takeovers, and several worthless acquisitions, U.S.A. Inc. grew to be one of the largest corporations on Earth. In a 1998 blockbuster deal, U.S.A. Inc. became a wholly-owned subsidiary of Peeple's China And Shoes, a larger company with a knack for doing stupid shit[4] at inopportune moments.

The U.S.A. covers all[citation needed] of the continent of America, which was "discovered" in 1492 [5] by a chubby, disoriented [6] Italian man, who bumped into it whilst playing Marco Polo[7] Its headquarters are located in New York Shitty (NYS), a sprawling cumdumpster at the confluence of several sewage ditches. U.S.A. Inc. currently consists of 20,000,000 workers on temporary leave from other organizations, and 150,000,000 unemployed persons (plus or minus 150,000,000). Its management structure consists of a few Wirehaired Athsmatic SPaniels, all of whom suffer under the delusion that they still run the place.

U.S.A. Inc. has a reputation for warring, turning up late for wars it didn't start, taking credit for things it hasn't done, denying things it has done, warring, drinking all the best liquor, warring, and generally being an embarrassment. (Although they occasionally somehow get the job done[8].)

U.S.A. Inc. is currently attempting to avoid the fate of its founding company, which went bankrupt after reeling from the successive losses of several major assets[9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16]. (The renamed British Erotick-Curiositie & Knick Knack Shoppe now peddles rain, Keira Knightley, and huffy attitudes from a three-room flat in the vicinity of West Europe. Its current employees – of which there are either eight or "piss off, you grotty wanker!"[17], depending on what time of day you ask – pass the time by taking gibes at what they term their "former colonies". Most historians consider these folks to be droll relics, and ignore them entirely.)

In a 2001 incident that would shape U.S.A. Inc.'s future for many years, Al Kada's Boom'N'Bang (a fireworks wholesaler run by a Saudi) damaged a small but significant number of U.S.A. Inc.'s assets[18]. In response, U.S.A. Inc. took legal action against AKBNB's CEO, Benjamin Laden[19]. In an effort to avoid being served, Ben Laden went underground; however, in 2011, U.S.A. Inc. was able to serve him with a cease and desist order.[20] As a result, legal experts[21] are doubtful that Laden will serve in an executive position again.[22]

History[edit | edit source]

Main article: Genocide

A Brief Timeline[edit | edit source]

  • 1014: Vikings crash into North America in large powerboat. Natives not amused.
  • 1170: Madoc of Wales. Also, invention of mud.
  • 1492: Chubby Italian man crashes into North America in large yacht. Natives not amused.
  • 1607: British Spring Break comes to North America. Or, The Year The Natives Should've Sold Out, And Moved To Boca.
  • 1608-1776: Natives amused at first, but grow increasingly alarmed as the British get drunker and drunker, and refuse to go home.
  • 1776: The British In America(tm) registers change of name (to "The Americans") with committee in Philadelphia.
    Also, War.
  • 1812-1998:War
  • 1998: In a case of "A Few Decades Too Late", America gives casinos to the natives, who are only "mostly" dead by then.
  • 2002-present: War
  • 2012-Future: World has been taken over by Gay

War: the American Revolution[edit | edit source]

The British, who were happily conquering the world back in the 1770s and committing genocide against the Americans, decided that pillaging the world's riches wasn't enough, and decided to impose taxes on the Colonial Americans for such trivial things as food, water, clothing, tea, booze, marbles, Barney the Dinosaur plush toys, Froot Loops, hookers, and oxygen (this last one was known as 'The Breathing Tax'). These taxes were to pay for King George's well-known and well-documented expensive coke habit.

After British Regulars (also known as The Legion of Doom) gunned down some Americans (England 1 - 0 USA) who were minding their own business just standing around with rifles and muskets... and yelling nasty things about the Regulars' mothers ... on a bridge... blocking the British from crossing... and pointing their guns at the Regulars... and mooning them, finally the Colonials went to war.

The United States as of the Treaty of Boston (2087 AD)
Hail Liberty!

Why the British look sheepishly at their shoes when the American Revolution is mentioned[edit | edit source]

The Colonials got their collective asses handed to them at every engagement (except for the Can-'O-Whoop-Ass opened at Trenton, but since those were Hessian mercenaries, it doesn't count)[you wish, bitch], because they were too busy fighting many other wars at the time. The british prime minister at the time was Will Smith. After Australian actor Mel Gibson lent his help to the effort, everyone went around with their faces painted blue yelling "FREEEEDOM, FOR WHITE MEN!" After Colonel Gibson waived a flag and killed some more British regulars, especially some back-shooting, house-burning git British Dragoons Colonel named something-or-other, the Colonials (and Colonel Mel) sent Cornwallis, Solomon Grundy and the Legion of Doom packing at the battle of Cowpens. Then the French eventually showed up and bombed the crap out of Cornwallis (Solomon Grundy having been killed while stealing gunpowder by torchlight), until he finally gave up. Of course, this was back when the French were ass-kickers, not the white-flag-waving surrender monkeys they eventually became after 1918.

More War: War of 1812[edit | edit source]

After the Revolutionary War was over, the newly flush American Government celebrated being out from under the yoke of British taxing the ever-loving shit out of their own citizens for making booze. Before the American people could start itching for another revolution against a tyrannical government, the Legion of Doom (a.k.a the British) came back for The Revolutionary War, Part Deux, and saved the federal government's collective bacon. The Brits burned the White House to the ground, stole everyone's shoes and belts, and as a prank, hid George Washington's wooden teeth in a recently-deceased pig. A good time was had by all, as evinced by the fact that a fellow named John Paul Jones took up drums for the British, then shouted "I have not yet begun to fight!" (or some such bad-assedness), captured the British ship Serapis single-handedly, and ass-raped the crew to the verge of death. (Ironically, "serapis", when pronounced correctly, totally does sound like "Sir Rapist", minus the terminal plosive consonant.) Once again, the brave (but stupid) British and Americans bitch-slapped each other to the verge of a peace treaty, signed in the soon-to-be-destroyed Italian city of Paris.

Interestingly, the most notable battle in the entire war (other than the destruction of Alderaan) took place two weeks after the Peace Treaty was signed. A drunken bloke named Andy Jackman (or such) fought the bloody British at the town of...Mardi Gras, backed by a rag-tag group of militia-men from Kentuckistan, Tyler Durden's Band of Bare-Knuckle Brawlers, some American Marines, and the occasional token Black/Native American guy. The Americans inexplicably won this battle, despite the fact that the British had already won this particular war, fourteen days earlier. Since all the Brits were were uninterested in Louisiana anyway, they got the fuck out of there, and left the confused-but-adrenaline-pumped Americans to circle-jerk, and tell tall tales about a big battle. As a result, Andy Jackman got elected President, and more importantly, got his face on the $20 dollar bill. (American Indians still refuse to use, or even touch 20s, because Andy was such a dick to them.)

Shit, Even More War: the American Civil War[edit | edit source]

"The South HAS rise again. or you wouldn't have Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, George W. Bush or Jimmy Carter. It's where the Capital got its' Dixiecrats and Neoconservatives".

Some shit goes down: the election of "Honest" Abe Lincoln[edit | edit source]

Nothing much happened after that until the 1860's, when some tall bearded guy from Illinois got elected President, then went on a bender and freed all the slaves contract workers, during a fit attributed to altitude sickness and three bottles of Absinthe. For this act, he was thanked profusely by getting shot in the back of the head while watching a play. Also, there was rather boring, protracted civil disagreement.

The North and the South[edit | edit source]

The parties in the dispute were the North, also known as the Onion, and the South, also known as the Confederacy of Dunces. The Onion didn't really oppose slavery, but wasn't hot for it either rapaciously eyed the riches of the South, and was willin' to take said riches, by force. The Confederacy was a sweaty, fiery hell-hole with no resources other than raw materials and slave labor gracious, happy region, filled with slave owners grandfatherly gents who profited from a thunder-strikingly vast amount of slave labor ran small farms, and bed-and-breakfasts. These bastards goodly fellows were widely despised loved by all, including their own slaves house-guests, who were held against their will stayed behind and were beaten to the point of death picked up some slack here and there, on account of being slaves not havin' any money to pay for their lodgings.

The Confederacy, seeing phantom Abolitionists at every turn, and in the bushes, and under the bed, and hiding in the shadows on the roof being unwilling to have their right as states infringed by the increasingly rhetorical Lincoln and his Abolitionist cronies in Congress, made immediate declarations of secession from the Onion, and conducted a cowardly, 4-on-1 attack against Ft. Sumter, a Northern military installation politely disconnected themselves from the Onion.

The War of Yankee Aggression[edit | edit source]

This war was settled quickly. No need to go into details. (Except to note that the North totally beat ass Yankee aggressors were repulsed to a location north of Appomattox Court House, and all was made well once again in the South.

Reconstruction[edit | edit source]

After the Late Unpleasantness was settled by the unconditional surrender of the Confederate States, the period of American history known as Reconstruction began. During this period, the South was pulled up out of the rubble by a forgiving North was further imposed upon by the Yankee bastards, at which point the thoroughly ungrateful Southern idiots set about "Reconstructing" history, in the process making the rest of the world laugh at America for being backwards the enlightened and kindly Southern states eliminated the need for slavery, on their own, and in good time.

This is all true, I heard it from my grandpappy's mouth, yessir, and nobody has ever called my grandpappy a liar. You gonna be the first? Well, are ya, son? If you are, I got a double-barreled 20-gauge here, name o' Suzanna. Suzanna's just dyin' to meet you, boy! *clickety-click!*

A Pleasant Diversion: The Spanish-American War[edit | edit source]

The United States "got sorta itchy", in the years following Reconstruction, and casting about themselves at every opportunity, finally discovered a non-British country to kick the undead stuffing out of: Spain. Spain's holdings in the New World and the Pacific, having been whittled down over the years by intensely stupid ham-fisted mismanagement of colonial holdings, resulting in widespread insurrection revolutionary uprisings, consisted of only Cuba (a small sugar-producing country in the Caribbean) and the Philippines (a small Filipino-producing country in the Pacific), and one or two other utterly pointless and insignificant[citation needed] flyspeck-sized islands.

In 1898, The Americans were galvanized to action by the suspicious explosion of the USS Maine, a gunpowder freighter with a captain known for falling asleep while smoking his pipe, in the harbor of Havana, Cuba. Requisitioning every available ship, boat, steamboat, freighter, merchantman, amphibious lander, junk, pontoon and swamp buggy, and mustering every possibly soldier (including Theodore "The Indomitable Kicker of Ass" Roosevelt), the American forces bore down on Spanish colonial forces in Cuba, the Philippines, and Guam, with the glint of vengeance in their eyes and the righteous wrath of the Great Protestant God back-lighting them.

Needless to say, the Americans were so thoroughly victorious, and drove Spain's battered national psyche so thoroughly into the ground, that Spanish prominence on the world scene has been limited to the areas of sport and art. (Congrats on the whole World Cup thingy. *yawn*. Oh, and I hear some guy named Na...Nay...Naybal? Or good at tennis. *claps sarcastically*.)

World War I: Holy Sh*t, MORE War?!? WTF America![edit | edit source]

Once again, nothing much happened until the early 20th Century, when Woodrow 'G-Mack Daddy' Wilson violated international law by secretly shipping war materials to Britain (we were now best friends forever) on passenger liners during the 1st World War over enemy territory, the whole time claiming neutrality. When a passenger ship, the Lusitania, was carrying 80 uncool cases of "butter" and got herself torpedoed, the "butter" exploded so violently that the ship went down in less than 10 minutes... After WW1 was over, the Americans claimed to have 'won' the War despite 3 years of constant shelling and millions dead before they showed up (I guess that's called timely stratagem or maybe the Americans thought that the British and French couldn’t win a war since they couldn’t manufacture a weapon that wouldn’t blow up in your face?). G-Mack told Congress that they would need an income tax to pay for the war. To this day, 91 years later, Americans honor the memory of G-Mack every time they pay their income tax... if they can figure out the 6-foot-high pile of tax laws.

World War II: Technically not the American's fault. Maybe.[edit | edit source]

Eventually, some Nazi asshole by the name Adolf Hitler started the second world war in the 1930s by invading the small European nation of Poland. Britain, Russia, and a couple of other nations fought the Axle for years (but eventually adopted it, as its alternative, known by the technical term "dragging shit along the ground", suffered from inherent impracticality). However, nothing happened from 1933 to 1940--according to the chronicles, America didn't give a shit until 1941 when Japan, as a sign of good will, were going to send several hundred precious diamonds to the United States; the transaction was supposed to be made in Pearl Harbor. Unfortunately, a drunk American anti-aircraft gunner mistook the planes for flying pigs coming to take over the world, and shot them down, resulting in a Japanese rout. After a couple of seconds, the gunman had a seizure, and accidentally blasted apart several American ships, as well as a spaceship from the Vega constellation. (As a result of this, Earth was put on a list of "Planets to be Liquidated", by the Vegan Overlords.)

After the "attack", the US declared war on the Axle, joining the poofy Brits, the surrender-monkey Frenchies, the Russkies, and several other countries too insignificant to mention. For four years, America had its ass kicked left and right, until finally, Stalin bitch-slapped Hitler all the way to Berlin in 1945. The Allies called the war a victory after the Russians and Britain beat the shit out of Germany. America claimed victory due to the fact that they let the British and Russians have their weapons and supplies, before officially entering the war. A few months later the US dropped two atomic bombs (one wasn't enough!) on Japan and officially declared that they single-handedly (their other hand was occupied know) won the so called "war" against Japan (then again, they were the ones with the biggest Atomic bombs). This has taught parts of the world not to fuck with the USA (and especially not to Mess With Texas. Those sumbitches are just CRAZY, yahurr?).

Oh, almost forgot to mention: The U.S.A. dropped that grade-A heat (twice!) on Japan, mainly because they thought them Nips were were entirely too reliant on hair gel.

The Positively Frigid War[edit | edit source]

Afterwards, some war that was known for being cold broke out against the newly-named Glorious American Republic of Kickin' Your Ass, and the Soviet 'So Much Land, So Little people' Empire, in which, just like every other war, America...kicked some ass. (Technically, it was Korean ass, and the ass of some guy named Charlie, but we scholarly types may be excused for occasionally letting things slide.)

The Scandal of Veet Namm[edit | edit source]

Several historians have shot their fucking mouths off claimed that the United States fought, and lost (!), a war in a region known as Veet Namm, on a river delta somewhere in Asia. However, subsequent exhaustive investigations have failed to turn up any evidence that this supposed military action ever happened, or in fact, any evidence that the region of Veet Namm even exists. This discovery has led to the historians in question being renditioned to an undisclosed foreign country which was not a party to the Geneva Convention roasted over a slow fire severely discredited.

The Fall of Comnumism[edit | edit source]

After several European nations rebelled or something, the Soviet Union was defeated, I guess, but due to America's nuclear weapons and targeting systems (and the fact that they were aimed at everyone else), it was an American victory[citation needed].

The U.S.A. in the Modern Era[edit | edit source]

Today, the Glorious Land Of America is known as Canada's more aggressive, obese, and less-educated southern brother.

However, it could totally whip Canada in a fight[23], so Canadians are quite polite about it. Except behind America's back.

Culture[edit | edit source]

United Stasians generally view themselves as very funny people and talk a lot, although they have a marked tendency for declaring war on those not polite enough to humour them. Whenever they travel abroad the savvier amongst them pretend to be Canadians and talk very little (If they travel at all, that is, since travel usually involves walking, and most of the population is addicted to a sit-down lifestyle). This is an unfortunate tendency, as the most obnoxious of Americans are then left as the nation's sole ambassadors. Those Americans who choose not to travel in the guise of Canadians tend to congregate in areas that outdated school textbooks and conservative pamphlets tell them they originate from, such as the Republic of Ireland, Sicily, and the low countries. When in these areas, their main identifying traits are talking loudly to themselves as a way of gaining attention, accusing local people of being unpatriotic toward a nation they dont belong to, and asking simplistic and condescending questions about local history.

One prominent symbol of the American Nation is the Golden Arches, containing two arches of a golden nature, each representing one of the two centuries the U.S. has existed. The representation of such a vast historical and cultural legacy, spanning a massive 2 centuries - has been made corporeal, in the form of the edible[citation needed] Big Mac.

The "Spirit of America" is a delusion amongst American people that they, and they alone, are the most important people on Earth. Many leading scientists have called this condition Bighead or Overinflated Ego Syndrome (OES). This syndrome is shown most predominantly in America through their kidnapping of the great language of English (as they are too thick to create their own language), and their repeated use of the word 'Soccer' to describe the Beautiful Game of Football. (Americans have co-opted the term "football" as the name for their own pointless sport, American Football, which is irrelevant as no one gives a shit about that game). Americans are universally mocked by the true-English-speaking countries for the bizarreness of their accents. However, as the British, Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders, and Irish have alternately fought wars with each other over which of them has the proper accent, and as the Scots are technically incapable of speaking anything but a form of drunken gutter-English, this point may be moot.

American woman (especially those of European descent) are renowned through the world for having "itchy cooter"[citation needed], a colloquial term for what is more commonly known as nymphomania. A recent University of Compton study was conducted, where an attractive Anglo American female was placed in a room with similar specimens from every other country on Earth. Upon introducing a "desirable brotha" (a dark-skinned male specimen) into the room, the scientists were unsurprised to see the American female specimen "give up the beaver" immediately, whereas the other specimens took an average of 32.8 seconds[citation needed].

American men are known for having hairy palms, hairy chests, bald scalps, and a compulsion for cheese-filled cheese products that have been deep-fried in cheese[yo, do me a favor and slip a brotha a citation once in while, bitch!]. Modern taxonomists are convinced that the average American male is actually a sub-variety of homo sapiens, which they are provisionally terming homo sapiens assimus maximus[i said citation needed, motherfucker!].

Unlike common stereotypes that the American culture is the most individualistic in the world, the americanus vulgaris, which is the main specie, is very uniform and share solid values like consumerism, greed, cut-throat competition, well invested stupidity, superficiality and the attitude of being unique.

Guns[edit | edit source]

Americans are known for having slightly more guns than absolutely necessary. A recent study found that for every U.S. citizen, there are 33,858.6 guns in the country (most of which are just lying around, in places such as empty file cabinets, computer hard drive bays,pockets and cribs).[oh, we're just making shit up now, huh? that how you gonna play it?]. This phenomenon has been blamed by the international community for the rise of packs of feral guns, which roam through cities indiscriminately attacking bystanders. (Feral gun packs are believed to be a factor in the deaths of both Biggie and Tupac.[oh, now this cracka think he FUNNY!]) The burgeoning feral gun problem has attracted the attention of international authorities in countries without feral gun populations, as they fear the invasive species may spread to their own countries.

In 2012, President Buttplug Obama[what the...oh, no he di'n't!], along with members of Cumgress, held a press conference at a West Hollywood lesbian bondage bar to announce the new "Spay and Neuter Your Guns" program. The pilot program, which will begin in August 2025, will take place in fifteen major American cities; citizens are being urged to bring their guns in to have them spayed or neutered by a licensed veterinarian, at no charge[that's fine, that's cool, but just so you know, honky, i'm-a hunt yo white ass down for the "buttplug obama" joke. shit just got REAL, mothafucka! i ain't even playin'.]

Flora and Fauna[edit | edit source]

an undersized female americanus vulgaris in its natural habitat
a mature americanus vulgaris, also in its natural habitat. Note the presence of the buttocks on the ventral surface.

The U.S. is home to many unique species, such as americanus vulgaris, the Common Spotty-Faced American. This spectacular, massive specimen tips the scales at anywhere between 150 kg and 600 kg. Its diet consists mainly of the fruit of the Mucdunnalds tree, a high-fat food with a synthetic cheese filling, although they may occasionally opt for the fruit of the burkkerkking tree, or cheese products stuffed with cheese, deep-fried in cheese.

The americanus redneckus is usually described as a sub-species of americanus vulgaris, although it may be a separate species. Its predominate characteristics are a pale white skin, the the presence of a thick Southern drawl (as distinct from the americanus vulgaris), racist and bigoted behavior, the love of a particular type of spectacle known as "nascar", and an appetite for beer. This variety is widespread throughout the South, and is found most commonly in trailer parks. Their natural enemies, tornadoes, often destroy swaths of the of the redneck's natural habitat, on an annually basis. The hair color of the americanus redneckus ranges from pure albino to raven black; it can often be found clad in a "trucker cap" and strange garments known as "over alls", and is usually never found more than a few feet away from a well-oiled, loaded shotgun. Zoologists note that rednecks are extremely stupid, and should be handled with caution. People encountering the americanus redneckus are often advised to take shelter in an enclosed building and call their local animal control department.

This grainy footage was captured in the Pine Barrens area, some distance from the americanus vulgaris newyorkus' normal habitat. Note the upraised middle digit

Another subspecies of americanus vulgaris is the Common New Yorker, also known as the Greater Cursing Wonder. Cursing wonders are noted for their quickness to anger, their use of "colorful" language, and their fists, which they often deploy as weapons. If a New Yorker finds itself stuck in migration traffic, it may jump up and kill a motherfucker. New Yorkers are easily angered, especially by cheerful greetings; a New Yorker greeted cheerfully may reply with a grunted "gofuckyaself!", or, in extreme cases, murder.

Industry. I mean, Military[edit | edit source]

The US military is among the best biggest in the world. Its army marches like girl guides (not big muscle-bound, minge-munching-dyke girl guides, just the normal girl guides.) Uniquely among the world's armies, American soldiers salute by flicking forehead sweat at each other - the origins of this are unknown and possibly kinky. It is a stop-lossed an all-volunteer force equipped with the best plastic in the world armor matching hats and well maintained vehicles vehicles

Though the United States' new strategy in Iraq has proven effective at routing insurgent rebels, it has done little to relieve the stigma of what many perceive as American imperialism.

boots, supported by Jesus Republicans the American people to follow the unlawful orders of the Commander in Chief. The U.S military also bellows about its existence through massive advertisements on commercial web pages, as if no one had ever heard of it before.

War and the Americans[edit | edit source]

The American people are not great war-fighters in the tradition of, for example, the Scots, but they certainly deserve an 'A' for effort and perseverance. The Americans' victory in the war of Independence (which was fought against a mixed team of Germans and British, visiting America on a team-building exercise in preparation for fighting the French) thoroughly energized their taste for combat, and they have ever since been addicted to the European continental sport of intermittent bloody violence (which, after a marked peak in the 1940s, has since declined in Europe itself).

Nine out of ten civilians, when polled shortly before being vaporized, favored the term "total dick" over "smart bomb."

Civilians and the U.S. Military[edit | edit source]

America, being a wholly owned subsidiary of the People's Republic of China, has an industrial output that is limited to debt, misery, and weapons. While they have proven rather adept at manufacturing both debt and misery, a great deal of their weapons suffer from a peculiar flaw, in that they will inexplicably take out enemy combatants and civilians at a ratio approaching 1:1. When finding civilians scarce, many of these "smart" weapons go so far as to search out suitable groups of bystanders to annihilate, (sometimes going several thousand miles, and days, or even weeks, out of their way), in contravention of the laws of physics, sportsmanship, and the concept of "knowing when to give it a rest, already". In response to international criticism, American weapons manufacturers have attempted to teach their bombs to politely knock on doors before entering, with limited success.[citation needed]

International Criticismissum[edit | edit source]

Incidents of Americans targeting civilians is well-known worldwide, having been reported by credible sources[citation needed], including the renowned diplomat[citation needed] and late president of Iraq, Saddam Hussein; the respected[citation needed] outgoing president of Libya, Mohammar Qaddafi; and Osama bin Laden, the late leader of the international peace organization[citation needed] Al Qaeda. Each of these diplomatic leaders has vociferously protested the murder of civilians by, among other things, murdering civilians, raping civilians, murdering civilians, authoring terse but strongly-worded car bombs, and, in some cases, murdering civilians. In each case, diplomatic methods (often referred to as "Kalishnakov magazines") were thoroughly exhausted, but to no purpose: none of these measures has proven successful in dissuading the Americans from repurposing freshly hollowed-out civilians as doorstops, speed-bumps, bayonet-deoxidizers, and charming duvet covers.

War-Related Culture[edit | edit source]

The first day of May is widely celebrated by American people as a Victory over Hitler's Vietnam, and the date of the dropping of the Nuclear Dildo on the Italian city of Paris. Celebrations include vigorous flag-waving, the swilling of Coca-Cola and the gobbling of massive quantities of hot dogs, a national delicacy. Incidentally, May 1st is also celebrated by Russians, who drink a bottle of vodka every hour to celebrate the fact that their lives and country suck. (Hate to admit it, but they totally miss Stalin. He was cool.) The rest of the world, most notably the British and Italians, (although not the French, for some inexplicable reason), also celebrate the bombing of Paris with fireworks and the sacrifice of live chickens.

Government[edit | edit source]

Main article: Lies
The only paved road remaining in America. It has escaped the clutches of Congress for 42 years, by dint of clever disguises.

Federal Government[edit | edit source]

The federal government of the Untied Skates of America consists of three penis-shaped branches, or one for each orifice of the American public.[24] These three branches form a system known for its infamous checks and balances: the President, who "checks" America's mouth with his dick; Congress, which "balances" America on its dick; and the Supreme Court, which watches the first two from the corner, and shouts encouragement and advice, while checking and balancing itself.

Executive Branch: President of the United States[edit | edit source]

Acting as the Executive branch of the U.S. Government, the President is enjoined by the Constitution against making laws or wars on his own, as this is the purview of Congress. The president, however, generally ignores this rule, and issues Executive Orders and "cruise missiles" whenever he feels like it, sometimes doing both, while simultaneously playing "hide the cigar" with chubby female interns.

In the history of the U.S., three presidents have sold family members into slavery, two are known to have eaten babies, and eight have asphyxiated their own mothers with anal beads. (One former president managed the trifecta.)

Legislative Branch: Congress[edit | edit source]

The function of the Congress of the United States is to make sure that at least 535 of the least qualified people on Earth have a job every year, no matter how much grief, embarrassment, and money they cost the people they represent (who are known collectively as their bitches constituents.) The Congress of the United States is bicameral: it is totally into representative democracy, but every now and then it gets the urge to smoke some communist pole in a dark alley, with no condom, and then has to wait by the phone for the next two weeks for the "all-clear" from the free clinic.

Judicial Branch: The Supreme Court[edit | edit source]

The purpose of the Supreme Court is to provide a rest home for nine of the President's choicest cronies or illegitimate children. When no cases are being heard -- generally on weekends, and every other day ending in "y" -- the Supreme Court itself has rockin' pool parties, with Jello wrestling, a Miss Wet-T-shirt pageant, and free ladies' drinks, with Brandi, one of the girls from Butt Sluts II, serving as the emcee. The cover charge is $15, although if you bring a canned good for the food drive, you can get in for 1/2 price. Ha ha! Actually, no; but it would be pretty cool, if that's how it really worked.

Who Can Beat Whom[edit | edit source]

The Office of the President automatically confers powers of only a level 4 mage, with the ability to cast Hadoukens and Patronuses. However, while Congress is 535 members strong, and can cast Shoryuken, as well as perform all of the Unforgivable Curses, and also unite to form the Super Zeo MegaZord, experts agree it is seriously outgunned by the President, to the tune of 3,000,000-535. (This does not take into account various large-bore ordnance, tanks and aircraft, biological and chemical WMDs, 5,113 nukes, and a space-based targeting system thrown in for good measure). Most scholars thus give the president a slight edge in the overall standings; however, a few Devil's advocates tend to believe the the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court's mastery over the Dark Side of the Force, as well as his clone army (presently hidden in plain view on the dark side of Europa) may make it the most formidable body of the three.

Federal Government Fun Facts[edit | edit source]

  • So many government officials have had their pants spontaneously burst into flame during the Oath of Office (especially during the "so help me God" section) that newly-elected officials are required, by law, to wear flame-retardant underpants for their inauguration. The current President, Barack Obama, and John Roberts, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, narrowly avoided serious injury during Obama's inauguration, when their pants began to smoke ominously. The pit crew, normally stationed just off the dais for such emergencies, doused the both of them with firefighting foam, and the ceremony continued uninterrupted.
  • Bill Clinton was the first president to have his blowjob in the Oval Office publicized, yet it is commonly-supported knowledge that every president receives a tax-free blowjob in the Oval Office after his or her inauguration by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or Monica Lewinsky, whichever comes first. (Rim shot.)
  • The EPA, Bureau of Land Management, and Bureau of Weights and Measures were created, on a dare, by former president Richard M. Nixon, during a competition with the Soviet Union's Leonid Brezhnev as to which could come up with more useless government agencies.
  • In the pipeline for 2012-beyond, the US Department of State plans to urgently bring 'American Peace and Democracy' to the international crisis regions of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Venezuela and Norway. A representative for the State Department recently said that the US additionally remains 'deeply concerned' with the human rights conditions of Baku in Russia, Scotland and Western Australia. And specifically the offshore parts.

Politics[edit | edit source]

former Senator Strom Thurmond, during one of the eight terms he served while not being technically alive. This photo has not been retouched.

The general template for the career of any public official in the United States is as follows:

  • Get elected
  • Insert dick[25] into an orifice of the American people
  • ?????
  • Profit
  • Repeat

Any politician who does not follow the above formula to the letter is either (a) impeached, (b) shot dead, or (c) exiled, although occasional exceptions have been made to allow people who were already dead (and thus could not carry out their duties) to hold office. (See thumbnail.)

Political Parties[edit | edit source]

The two main political parties of the Untied States are known familiarly as the Republicunts and the Democraps.

The Republicunt Party[edit | edit source]

The platform of the Republicunt Party has fluctuated over the years. Its current agenda consists of decrying government waste, while simultaneously voting for subsidies to fetish-porn studios and beet-farming museums, and for an annual raise in its own salary. It also gives tacit approval to wars started by the President (unless he's from the other party, in which case it condemns his spiritual unit to eternal damnation), and shakes its head at the bloated mechanism of the welfare state—which it then declines to dismantle. Finally, it attacks members of the other party with vigor unparalleled by anything other than the glee with which its members commit sexual indiscretions.

The Democrappic Party[edit | edit source]

The platform of the Democrappic Party has fluctuated over the years. Its current agenda consists of decrying government waste, while simultaneously voting for subsidies to fetish-porn studios and beet-farming museums, and for an annual raise in its own salary. It also gives tacit approval to wars started by the President (unless he's from the other party, in which case it condemns his spiritual unit to eternal damnation), and shakes its head at the bloated mechanism of the military-industrial complex—which it then declines to dismantle. Finally, it attacks members of the other party with vigor unparalleled by anything other than the glee with which its members commit sexual indiscretions.

Voting in America[edit | edit source]

In the United States, all elected government officials are selected by the people in a simple process—an offshoot of democracy known as "lies". Intelligent voters take great care to thoroughly inform themselves on all the issues, and come to a reasoned conclusion on who the best candidate would be for a given office. Realizing that this boils down to a choice between Satan and his evil mechanical twin, Mecha-Satan, they then stay home. After the election, they are legally required to purchase a bumper sticker that proclaims one of the following things:

  • Don't blame me, I didn't vote for (winning candidate)
  • Regime change begins at home
  • My Vagina! My Choice!

The least-sophisticated citizens (who make up 98% of eligible voters) go to the polls and cast their votes, by blindly thrusting their fingers (or other members) at the ballot machines until a vote is recorded. Then the votes are made up out of whole cloth counted, and the grasping, corrupt, and inveterate scoundrel who told the most brazen lies whilst maintaining a straight face is the one who wins. If there is no consensus, the despicable bastard who garnered the least votes is declared the winner.

Most—most—voters in the U.S. are not dead before voting, but polls show that 91% wish they were (or wish they could at least remove their own skin with wire brushes and bleach) afterwards. However, polls also show that Americans are "mostly satisfied" with this process, even though it has twice resulted in a term for George W. Bush, a man who apparently cannot discern the proper way to hold a book.

Circus Maximus[edit | edit source]

Voters who set their intellects aside in a cool, dry place are generally treated to an 18-month-long spectacle derived from professional wrestling. In the 2011-2012 presidential election cycle, the undercard fight consists of two batshit-crazy, but moderately-attractive [26] divas, who are currently engaged in hair-pulling and stomach-kicking. Pundits theorize that the outcome of their match will determine which of them gets to spoon with the winner of the coming Super-Tuesday-Nitro Steel Cage Texas Death Match. The Super Tuesday event will consist of several identical white men (and a black token dude) hitting each other with steel chairs, ladders, and rather tame pile-driver kicks, until a winner emerges in mid-2012. This winner will then confront The Rock Obama in the Main Event, which will take place in November of 2012 on PAY-PER-VIEW! (Unless a "mystery assailant" knocks The Rock Obama out, backstage, with a trash can.)

Language[edit | edit source]

The official languages of the United States of America, are English, Newspeak, Texan, a mixture between Mandarin and Spanish, with a minority of people speaking ghetto slang:

The west-side dialect:"Smoke some bloods and pop some caps, i hizzeard that shitnizzle all up in the four way ya nah? Those cracker frackers be all up in my grill drinking gin 'n juice ma fucka? ya heard?"

The east-side dialect:"Fizzle Dizzle ma Nizzle fo Shizzle, he Mizzled ma Girlizzle all up i ma Bedizzle, made a Messizzle now my Bedizziles all Stickizzle"

Whitie cracka's:"Boi! Ya nah wha im sayin? Ya nah wha im sayin? Ya nah wha im sayin? Ya nah wha im sayin? DO Ya nah wha im sayin????"

The Rest:"Sex, Duh... ... ... ... ..."

The rarely-used original official language was English, now spoken only by certain families such as the Cabots and Rockerfellers. Every year, around 1000 Americans who have studied English are sent as cultural ambassadors to Europe and, upon arrival in England, are invariably amazed to find that the natives there also speak the language.

The majority language is, however, Spanish, evidenced by the name of the American capital, Los Angeles and the fact that all of America say "Vaya con dios" and "amigo". A minor second language, "Not my mother tongue" is spoken by angsty English. Inexplicably, despite not residing in the Americas they all still live there.

Americans are very proud of their languages, English and Spanglish. Even though English comes from England, Americans feel that English is "God's language" and show it by spelling everything different from where the language actually came from (which nobody in America gives a fuck about).

Americans also fucking use the fucking word fuck like its fucking supposed to fucking be fucking used between almost every fucking word that comes out of their fucking mouths. They also use the words like, "like, shit, bitch, asshole, whore, slut, dick, motherfucker, fucker, fag, dyke" from 2 years of age.

Driving[edit | edit source]

Tourists from civilized nations should note that American motorists have a tendency to drive on the wrong side of the road right, as they believe driving on the left is the start of "Communism of the highway", also known as the British Way.

Driving in the US of A is a snap!

Law mandates that slower moving traffic must stick to the left-hand lanes on the freeway (motorway). Turn signals (indicators) must not be used and driving through red lights is compulsory. Cars have been deprecated in favor of SUVs, which must get less than 25 miles per gallon (10.6 kilometers per liter). In California, minimum speed limits of 75 mph (120 kph) are enforced on the freeway by invisible radar traps. The correct way to greet another road user is a long blast on the horn followed by a friendly "fuck you, asshole!" ("fuck you, cunt!") accompanied by a gesture of the middle finger.

Being forced to drive on the right side is known to make British citizens visiting the United States quite cross and grumpy. In a noted incident, the British King George III once took an incognito visit to his former colonies. During this visit, he was seen to leap from his Land Rover, shake his chubby fists, and shout at the top of his lungs, "Blast you nonces all to hell, get over to the proper side of the road!". He was then hit by several massive SUVs driven by Americans, who were all too busy texting while driving to notice George's fat Royal head. Oh, how he cried!

A typical driving test

Teenagers may commence drivers-education at 15 years, 8 months, 7 days, 5 hours, 16 minutes, and 12 seconds. At this point, they are forced to stand on their heads and read a six-hundred-page handbook, which contains a ripe load of bullshit that is only used to pass the driving test, and is instantly forgotten thereafter. A typical American driving test is conducted by a blind and deaf man, aged 70 years or more, who holds a clipboard and a whistle during the test, and affixes himself to the hood (bonnet) with tar, or other sticky substances. Drivers taking the test are encouraged to attempt to unseat their tester with swerving and alternate applications of the accelerator and the brake; however, this does not often happen, as the tar is generally very very sticky. Drivers who do unseat their tester are awarded 150 points and the Golden Snitch, and are allowed to continue to the next level, in which they are required to fight a dragon. Drivers who fail to unseat their tester are liquidated, and their remains are returned to their parents in a very nice faux Ming-era Chinese-made urn. A driver who passes all tests (and steals the dragon's golden egg) are awarded with nothing whatsoever, as the test was, in fact, pointless -- all American citizens (and even non-citizens) are given drivers licenses at birth. It is also common knowledge that the layout of road networks in American cities is largely based on those of Milton Keynes.

Literature[edit | edit source]

Despite vociferous protestations to the contrary, it is well known [citation needed] that America has no culture whatsoever. In addition, most advances it has claimed in the areas of science, diplomacy, art, literature, theatre, cinema, and cuisine were actually cribbed from other countries (usually Britain), or stolen outright (usually from Britain), with a brazen straight face (whilst aiming a middle finger at Britain). In recent years, Americans have become too lazy to steal, and have resorted to importing hairy, foul-mouthed, pouffy British men (and their strange, twig-like bearded wives) by the ship-load.

After a great deal of digging, scholarly investigation has revealed a handful of mostly insignificant American authors who are only sparsely known by average American citizens, and not at all outside their own country. These authors include:

  • Mark Twain
  • Herman Melville
  • Gertrude Stein
  • Walt Whitterman
  • F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • William...William...Fa...Faulk...Fockner? Falconer? Not sure how to spell this.
  • Alfred E. Newman
  • Anonymous (author of the short but devastating masterpiece, "Here I sit / broken-hearted / came to shit / and only farted / spent a dime / but what the hell / I'll take my time, / enjoy the smell")

Famous American literature includes: Playboy, Hustler, and Green Eggs and Ham.

Music[edit | edit source]

Music of the United States is generally considered to be a bit like British music, except shittier.

Americans claim to have invented several musical styles, including, but not limited to:

  • blues, where African American musicians sing in a suitably aggrieved manner about how unfaithful American women are, and how much it sucks to live in America
  • jazz, a thoroughly unpleasant mess of sounds, produced by tormenting various instruments that were originally intended to produce actual music
  • rap, which would essentially be jazz, if jazz musicians angrily shouted lyrics interspersed with swear words, and declined to play instruments. Wait, this is exactly the same thing as jazz.
  • hip-hop, which is rap, with the cutting social commentary replaced by multitudinous references to "Booty Poppin", the concept of "Shawty" gettin' "low", and the ceremonial consumption of a rare spiced coyote urine known as "Cristal". The cursing is retained, but its creativity is severely impaired by the transition.

Americans also lay claim to the invention of something they spuriously call "rock n roll", which shows they are just as incapable of proper spelling as they are of speaking with proper accents. It is well known[citation needed] that the entirety of the United Kingdom is covered, to a greater or lesser extent, with "rocks", thus proving the properly-termed "Rock" is a British invention. Certain American "scholars" (snort!) insist on making a niggling distinction between "rocks" and "Rock". When it was politely pointed out that the first recorded mention of "rock music" was made during the 6th-century reign of a Welsh king, Wulfrywclyw the Irate, the bloody bastards equivocated further, insisting that "rock music" in this case meant "rocks beaten with other rocks". They also argued that all British rock is, in fact, a "rip-off" of little-known American blues musicians named "Son House", "Robert Johnson," and "Slim Harpo." At this point, we lost all patience with their preposterous lies, and toasted the lot of them in a fire. To sum up: Rock is British, So Suck It America.

Due to the increasing number of Illegal Immigrants entering the United States, the opening words of the national Anthem, (which was outsourced to China), have been rewritten (from "Oh, Say can you see") to the more pleasant and accurate "José, can you see?"

Movie Industry[edit | edit source]

America is home to Hollywood. Hollywood creates many films that are enjoyed all over the world. Hollywood movies are well known for their pointless plots, endlessly recycled humor, recycled storylines, endless sex scenes and violence, and overuse of the same actors/actresses. Also, sequals always make a great hit.

Hollywood does things to amuse itself by holding events like the Academy Awards where they basically give awards to the movies that sucked out the most money out of people's wallets. They like to use awards ceremonies to tell the country that the movies being awarded are the best in the world, however the only movies that are ever awarded or even nominated are American movies with the occasional foreign movie that somehow made its way into the list.

Hollywood movies use well-known actors and actresses in their movies because the American population will pay any amount of money to watch those actors and actresses play themselves over and over again. Sometimes these famous actors and actresses will impress their fans by playing a role different from what they usually play, and they achieve this by wearing sunglasses, cutting their hair or performing only one nude scene/sex scene in the movie.

Directors who do not create a movie that includes sex scenes, violence and a simple plot are regarded as amatuers and are sent off to the porn industry.

DisneyPixarland INC. is the main creator of American animation. Americans will do anything to watch toys or animals talk and animation is the easiest way to achieve it.

America is also home to the porn industry which makes more money than Hollywood does. Hollywood will spend 300 million American dollars (McDonald's coupons) on a movie only to bring in 310 million to cover costs. An average porn flick will cost 50 American dollars to make and rake in over 75 billion dollars. However, since the storylines are very similar to Hollywood movies, it is difficult to tell the difference between the two.

American actors and actresses are desperate for 24 hour attention and will do anything to get it. Most actresses prefer the, "Oops my secret sex tape is out on the loose" trick or "Oops I forgot to wear panties to a big club event with hundreds of papparazzi everywhere" trick. Most actors prefer the, "I only bang other famous actresses" trick or the "I think dancing on T.V. will help my career" trick.

Famous American Movies:

  • Gone With the Wind
  • Rocky I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, XI, XII (Rocky IX and X were considered flops)
  • Friday the 13th I ~ XIII
  • Alice in Wonderland
  • Debbie Does Dallas
  • Deep Throat
  • Glitter
  • Brokeback Mountain

Famous American Actors/Actresses:

  • Ronald McDonald
  • Mickey Mouse
  • Britney Spears
  • Madonna
  • The cast of Jackass
  • Jiggly McBoobs

Energy Consumption[edit | edit source]

To say that Americans consume a fair amount of energy is to say that Adolph Hitler was a European gentleman with a slight bias against Jews. Of course, European countries as a whole still burn natural gas like the ass-hair on a twink gets burned in county lockup (hint: "a fucking lot"), however, they still are doing quite a bit to prepare for a greener future. For example: many European countries have produced computer generated images of massive wind and solar farms, and maintain strict emissions standards ask corporations nicely to "keep die Emissionen down a bit, ja?" The American government, on the other hand, has a much simpler plan: it created the EPA, a neutered organization that serves no purpose.

Crime[edit | edit source]

America's crime rates are very low when we all just turn the graph upside down -- the States rank second, of all countries north of the Mexican border. These rates, exemplary to the rest of the developed world, come thanks to America's level of personal safety, which is guaranteed by every citizen owning one or more guns.Therefore, the safest place in the USA is Texas. Detroit is also the safest city in America. However, New York City remains the safest city in the Western Hemisphere.

An alternative theory has been suggested by crazy scientists that had been drinking too much malt liquor. The theory states: By creating laws, you create criminals, so by removing laws, you eliminate criminals. Therefore, there is great opposition to gun control, as it will make everyone who owns a gun a criminal. However, this theory has been dismissed as being a freedom conspiracy to make the rest of the world look better.

American crime is very different from that of other nations, in that there are many different organized gangs that control the provincial lands. The Vice Lords, the 18th Street Gang, the Cosa Nostra, the Jackson 5 and the Butthole Banditos rank among the most powerful. These gangs are fiercely territorial and engage in such illicit activities such as armed robbery, extortion, voting, backyard liposuction, and manufacturing illegal sugarbabies. They control a vast majority of local governments through the sale of LSD and key lime pie.

Science[edit | edit source]

The Americans' especially yawning dearth of scientific knowledge[citation needed] has led them, in their great national shame, to their current endeavour of stealing credit for inventions from other countries. For example: there are three full separate pages on Wikipedia alone that list supposed "American inventions".

King Henry VIII. This photo has not been retouched.

Inventions claimed, at one time or another, by the Americans:

  • the lightbulb (invented by King Henry VIII of England, the moment he realized that a sharp sword, applied with a downward motion to the neck, is simpler cheaper than a divorce)
  • the steamboat (invented by Scotsman Robert Fulton)
  • the computer (invented by the British, who, in typical British fashion, forgot to make a big deal about it, or even tell anyone, for 60 years)
  • the transistor (British)
  • apple pie (British)
  • the question mark (British)
  • brownies (British! British! British!)
  • the jet engine (British! Rule Britannia!)
  • the Internet (invented in 1625 by Englishman Sir Francis Bacon)
  • that hub of bias, disinformation, lies, stupidity, petty ego battles, and poorly drawn vector pornography known as Wikipedia.

(Actually, that last one sounds exactly like the sort of thing an American would invent. Chin up, America! Uncyclopedia gives credit where credit is due.)

Peter Hedgwick of Tulsa, Oklahoma, was reputed to have invented cold fusion in 2003, but he and his work were subsequently burned by his neighbors for witchcraft, so this has not been confirmed.

Education[edit | edit source]

The American grasp of geography

Most American children begin their studies bright and young at one year of age. At this point, they learn basic arithmetic (finger counting), and gun safety. The life expectancy for an average public school student is sixteen years after enrollment in the high school system (slightly higher than the life expectancy at Iwo Jima or Omaha Beach.) To the right is an excerpt taken from a twelfth year American Geography text book: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents Earth: A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race.

A recent debate arose in the Kansas school system as to whether teachers should teach evolution alongside the God-revealed creationism. A nasty little document called the Constitution of the United States of America - something to do with freedom for all - mucked everything up. The debate became so heated that the creationists flung their own poop at outsiders to defend their territory; in an act of retaliation, the schools were besieged by rampaging Scientologists. Noted Scientologist and Grand Warlock Tom Cruise was seen offering the besieged creationists cookies, and a book called "Hitchhikers Guide to Scientology" by Karl Marx, written in 2389. His olive branch was rebuffed, however, by a rain of pig corpses and sewage from the castle towers.

The average American IQ is around -85, meaning most Americans technically qualify as houseplants, and have difficulty solving such riddles as door handles. (Sliding doors present an even higher difficulty rating).

In 2018, America made a revolution in education by closing down schools (which they claimed was due to "lack of money"); local governments had actually spent all tax income modding their farms on FarmVille. After the economic crisis, the leftover schools decided to upgrade their textbooks in every subject except biology, physics, chemistry, math, algebra, calculus, trigonometry, history, social studies, and computer science .

Supplemental[edit | edit source]

America at War (Scorecard)[edit | edit source]

Current Wars[edit | edit source]

  • War on Obesity (Pentagon sources declare "no end in sight")
  • War for Terror.
  • War for Crime.
  • War for Poverty.
  • War for Drugs.
  • War on Everyone.
  • War for War.
  • Star Wars
  • War on World of Warcraft
  • War on The Streets
  • War on peace
  • The fight with the Goa'uld and Wraith
  • War on Rock music (just declared over).
  • War on Modern Society.
  • Real Race War (it just begun).
  • Imperial Wars (just began as well)
  • Arizona´s War on Mexicans

Wars that are officially over but still haven't finish because really America has lost but just won't go home[edit | edit source]

  • Iraq (On paper 2003-2010, In reality 1990-Until all the oil is captured)

Wins - All Alone[edit | edit source]

It is worth noting that apart from some spear wielding tribesmen the USA has never won a war by itself:

  • Civil War (On-Acid America vs. America). The South will Rise Again! Yee Haw!
  • The Southern Strategy (the right wing of the formerly Northern Republicans).
  • Panama War of 1989 (It should be noted Panama wasn't prepared. It was a surprise attack by America).
  • Pequot War.
  • Narragansett War.
  • Apache wars.
  • Cheyenne wars.
  • Sioux wars.
  • Cola wars.
  • Navajo wars.
  • Nez Perce wars.
  • Cherokee wars.
  • Cherokee removal.
  • Creek wars.
  • Creek Removal.

( notice a pattern? )

  • Chickasaw wars.
  • Chickasaw removal.
  • Choctaw wars.
  • Choctaw removal.
  • Iroquois wars.
  • Iroquois removal( pretty much all Native Americans to Oklahoma).
  • Okie removal (Dust bowl from Oklahoma).
There's one Native American Indian left! Quick run to north of Canada!
  • 1835 war with Mexico (Texas became and independent country, begged to the U.S. government to adopt it and after several years they did).
  • 1848 war with Mexico (American invasion of Mexico in what now is California, Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico, Utah, Colorado and portions of other states).
  • Spanish American war, late 1890s.
  • The Philippines (conquest of native people).
  • Hawaii (another conquest of native people).
  • Puerto Rico (also another conquest of native people).
  • Alaska (Russians go home).
  • Louisiana (We are smarter than French people).
  • New York (we kicked out the Dutch). And old new york was once New Amsterdam.
  • War on west Africa to take slaves.
  • War on Korea to take sweat shop slaves.
  • Japanese American internment (removed from L.A....for awhile).
  • Zoot suit riots (Mexican Americans chased out of L.A....for awhile).
  • Race war I (1960s Civil Rights movement, including the L.A. riots of '65).
    • Race war II (1990s P.C. movement, including the L.A. riots of '92).
  • Cold War
  • Positively Frigid War
  • Room Temperature War
  • Not So Cold War
  • The Hot War
  • The Moderately Temperate War
  • The Intemperate War

The Three Wars on International Standards[edit | edit source]

  • War on the Metric System (an evil French communist plot to control the world)
  • War on A4 Paper (who cares if it conserves its friggin aspect ratio when cut in half - Letter is da best!)
  • War on the dd/mm/yyyy Date Format (everybody knows a month is smaller than a day!)
  • Charlie Sheen
  • Japan (note that this was not really a war everyone was dead so they just moved in see bottom of history for more info)
  • Year of 2009 (America vs. Bush).
  • The second "Final solution" starting out with Obama first.

Wins - With Allies[edit | edit source]

  • Revolutionary War (America with the help of France vs. Britain, Britain was also fighting a lot of other countries at the time because was bored).
  • World War I (after turning up late)
  • World War II (after turning up late yet again)
  • Gulf War (America some allies and the blessing of UN vs. Iraq).

Ties[edit | edit source]

  • Korean War, 1950s (America vs. Chinese commies).
  • Canada-America war, 1830s (over the Michigan peninsulas).
  • World Series, 2008 (Phillies think they won the title).

Proxy Wars[edit | edit source]

  • Afghanistan war, 1980s (when they funded al-Qaeda).
  • Indonesia, 1970s.
  • Zaire, 1960s.
  • The Congo, 1900s.
  • Cyprus, 1963-1974
  • Turkey, 1970s (ending the ottoman empire).
  • India, 1980s (ending the largest democracy).
  • Iraq, 1950s.
  • Iraq, 1970s.
  • Iraq-Iran war, 1980s. (When the US supported both sides ... a sure bet!).
  • Future Iraq-Iran war (looking likely as even more blood-thirsty Obama takes puppet throne to USA and Sarah Palin sneaks around every corner with a rifle looking for bears and Vladimir Putin).
  • Cuba, 1950s.
  • Iran, 1950s-70s.
  • Argentina (and the Falkland Islands, the British did the fighting and the Yanks do sod all).
  • Chile (To "free" a country by implanting a dictator).
  • Guatemala, El Salvador and Nicaragua.
  • China vs. Japan, 1930s.
  • Taiwan vs. Japan, 1940s.
  • North vs. South Korea, 1950s.
  • East vs. West Germany, 1960s.
  • just about every other damn country on the planet.
  • Quebec (and Acadia, the Canadians did the fighting).

Losses[edit | edit source]

  • Greece (America vs. Sparta).
  • Civil War (America vs. itself).
  • Vietnam War (America vs. Vietcong). America vs Impenetrable Jungle.
  • Haiti (America vs. nobody really).
  • Iraq, 2003, (Seeking Hussein´s Mass Disaster Weapons) only find sand and oil (It turned out Saddam Hussein was weak but the Taliban are stronger than the Viet-Cong)
  • Afghanistan 2001 (The war is still on-going but lets be honest they're never going to win)
  • Just about with everyone

EPIC FAILS[edit | edit source]

  • War on poverty (JFK-LBJ's folly).
  • War on Arizona immigration.
  • War on the Gay people.
  • War on Drugs
  • War on "Crime".
  • War on Terror.

Unreal Wars[edit | edit source]

  • Cold War I (No one's win. Commies realized the inherent paradox of communism).
  • British-American war, 1930s (when FDR and Churchhill pansy slapped each other).
  • Mexican-American war.
  • War for god.
  • War for oil.
  • Cola wars.

Wars America Is in the Process of Starting[edit | edit source]

  • Iranian War (America vs. Persian Empire, or one of the longest continuous civilisations in human history).
  • Civil War II (the culture war) - The Southern "Red states" versus the Northern/East Coast/West Coast/Fourth Coast "Blue states".
  • World War III (December 12, 2012) - America vs. every nation on Earth.

Wars America Is in the Process of Losing[edit | edit source]

  • Iraq War (America vs. yet another innocent country invaded by a President in a bid to get re-elected).
  • Canadian invasion of the USA (canada...fsck yeah!)
  • Mexican silent re-conquest of the USA (ongoing since 1846, when America invaded Mexico).
  • Portugese invasion of the USA (because most Americans haven't heard of the country Portugal).
  • French invasion of the USA (Their oldest ally...hates them).
  • German invasion of the USA (neo-Nazis rise to power in Germany).
  • Russian invasion of the USA (the Russkies want Alaska back).
  • Japanese invasion of the USA (for building better cars).
  • Chinese invasion of the USA (absolutely, they outnumber us 4 to 1).
  • Muslim invasion of the USA (this time the Al-Quaida will convert them).
  • Brazilian invasion of the USA (They hate motherfuckers).
  • Indian invasion of the USA (they outnumber them 3 to 1).
  • African invasion of the USA (Nigeria and others want to stop America from stealing Oil, Diamonds, Gold, Cotalt and other mineral wealth and compensation from the Slave Trade).
  • Polish invasion of the USA (why not?).
  • Italian invasion of the USA (In revenge for Godfather Part III).
  • Vietnamese invasion (the USA will fight them in revenge for the War Against The Jungle).
  • (Principality of) Monacoan invasion of the USA (they're pissed off at the US for getting more tourism than they do).
  • British invasion of the USA (They're making us Brits look bad by dragging us into wars because we 'owe them one' for coming 'in time' to WWII.
  • Culture war (stalemate).

See also[edit | edit source]

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. What? How? There are four entire other continents named "America"! You sodding idiots!
  2. No one calls the U.S. this. No one. Wait. The Germans are here? Oi, coppa! Over here! Oi!
  3. Hahaha! pwnt.
  4. Like throwing their own internal civil war, only to have it interrupted by a massive world-wide conflict, and getting their asses invaded by someone worse. We can't know for sure if those clowns enjoy war more than the U.S.A., but if they do, the Americans better grab their ankles, because they are gonna get fuuuuuuucked.
  5. Or 20,000 BCE, or 1014 CE, or 1607 CE, depending on which lying bastard you ask
  6. Ha! Pun! He was totally looking for "the Orient".
  7. "Marco!" he shouted. "Polo!" shouted the Indians. It went on like this for several weeks, until he crashed into the island of Hispaniola.
  8. Hahaha! No, really. See this.
  9. India...
  10. ...Pakistan...
  11. ...Egypt...
  12. ...Ireland (eh, who cares)...
  13. ...the majority of North America...
  14. ...A bit of China...
  15. ...A touch of Russia...
  16. ...and...the Moon
  17. The former number is given at around closing time. The latter number was given when we called today, at 7:30PM EDT (our time). If you fail to understand this joke, look up "international time zones". And then go fuck yourself for being a stupid git.
  18. Or else it was wizards. Fucking wizards!...Ahhh! I'm a monkey! Un-monkey me!
  19. U.S.A. Inc. also declared war against Opeck Worldwide Oil, Al Kada's supplier, which it accused of having oil.
  20. They finally got around to holding a giant magnet over that enormous straw-pile known as Pakistan.
  21. Me, bitch!
  22. "He may B ded but OBL 1st in MY ♥ 4 evah!" -- Hamid Karzai, President of Afghanistan, speaking via text to his BFF, the prime minister of Pakistan. We suspect this means Karzai is totally giving ghost-head to Osama, as you read this.
  23. suck it, Canada!.
  24. Unless you're anthropomorphizing America as a dude, in which case, it's "one more branch than is absolutely necessary."
  25. Or strap-on, we're equal-opportunity!
  26. If saggy soccer moms float your boat, anyway

ca:Estats Units