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Suomi Finland Perkele
Flag of Finland Coat of Arms of Finland
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: '"Perkele" (Latin:"cave canem penguin ")
Anthem: Nokia Tune
The map of Finland. Note that all countries neighboring Finland are gray.
CapitalHell's sink (even years) and Schmerzburg (odd years) and Berlin for all the other ones.
Previous capitalTurku
Largest cityHell's sink
Official language(s)Finnish, Klingon, 1337, Spataluskan, Lamppostanese, Undecipherable with lots of unpronounceable vowels, swearing, Samii, Wapanese, Finglish
GovernmentBureaucratic Democratorship
National Hero(es)Urho Kekkonen
Jussi Halla-aho
Timo Soini
 of Independence
previous ice age
ReligionSanta clauseism 63%, Ice hockey 17%, Conan O'Brienism 15%
AreaThe size of an asteroid the size of Texas
Population density-3198237139999
Ethnic groupsNerds in Lohtaja 123.0%
Dudesons (a clan of the Finnish Highlanders) 3%
Lordi's (homogenous Finnish tribe) 1%
Violent Offenders 24.4 %
Politicians 1.8 %
Otakus 23.23 %
Kings 0.001 %
Blank 36.3 %
Vice people 100.00 %
Level P12+ Telepaths 25%
School and/or mall shooters 4 %
Major exports
Finland's leading export, publicity.
Women, Saunas, Love Metal, Ensiferum, Snowboards, Skis, Lappi, Turunmaa, Jarkko Ruutu, Santa Claus, Vowels, Missing Table Pieces.
Major importsExported Finnish Vodka, Russian wives, Beer, Used German Cars, Vodka leftovers put together
National sport(s)Extended Suicide

“ Just take whatever you want, but please don't hurt us!”

~ Russia on Finland.

“ I have fought in three wars and lost all of them!”

~ Veteran of Finnish Civil War, Winter War and Continuation War.

“ Errrrr, Finland is to Scandinavia, what turkey is to EU.”

~ Samuel Huntington on Finland.

“ Finland has an unrealistically high image of her global importance”

~ Captain Understatement on Finland.

“ Not de Finrand!”

~ Japanese President on Finland.
Oh Why, Why must the winter nights be so long?

Finland, also known as Sweden II frequently but generally erroneously confused with Ontario, a lunatic asylum or as a part of Russia, or Bavariomi, is a land of many names, like Dave and Mary, but only one weird and traumatizing coat of arms. For many experts in the field of "re-naming places with perfectly good names by giving them much longer and more complicated names that no one understands," Finland is also known as The Republic of the Great and Clever Ninjas who can dance better than you, "The land of the Eternal Pesident and God of Sweden King Juan Azberjahi Unjo Keraii Trekkenson III," "The Republic of Organically Farmed Pigs with Opposable Thumbs that Stab Themselves in the Head," or "Czechoyugocongoslavakian Republic", though it is better known as the home of Linus Torvalds. Finland differs from Russia in that while nobody has ever won a war against Russia during winter, Finland has never won a single war against anybody during any season whatsoever.

Aside from having an increasingly growing list of names, Finland also happens to be a rather large country in the North of the even larger country of Europe. Some pro-Finland activists claim that Finland is indeed the entirety of Europe, that the common conception of Europe is a lie concocted by the Soviet Union. However, they also claim that they come from the future, a future where Finland is also the entirety of Europe. Some diehard Germans think Finland is just a terrority that the Bavarians try to spread the drunkeness to the land of the North, and these people will probably whine about the victory Sauna placed in Münich. Unfortunately, this is the past of their present and our present of their past, so if that makes any sense to them then perhaps they really ARE from the future.

Finns are famous for being smug and racist. On an unrelated note, Finland is also known as ' the land of the thousand ex-beauty queens and ex-athletes in the government '. All European countries have adopted their culture from Finland, for example its language, which everyone speaks.

Pre-historic Finnish food is widely acclaimed and its chefs renowned for their ability to take all kinds of apparently edible substances and make them look like excrement and noodles. For example, the Easter food Mämmi resembles cow's diarrhea, Salmiakki looks like goat pellets and "mustamakkara" looks like a big black male sex organ with herpes. Not to mention maksalaatikko. Nowadays, however, the true traditional foods of Finland are ramen noodles, hot pockets, kebabs and pizza. It was also in Finland that Hitler was caught having sex with Jesse Anthony, who lives in Hoffman, Illinois. Jesse is known for having eyes too far apart and is famous from his quote "Men can have vaginas too!"

Nowadays the most common Finns are a man with red clothes living in Lapland, a woman with red hair living in Helsinki and a really boring F1 driver who has just started doing rallying.

Because Finland is colder than a polar bears fun hole, the Finns decided to invent the sauna, their sole contribution to human life to date (except of course, Nordic Walking and the totally useless but nonetheless adored Nokia). Some like to say that the Sauna really comes from the Russians, but don't be silly: everyone knows the only thing the Russians ever came up with is the AK-47 and those really trendy fur hats. Bob Dole. Since Finland is uninhabitable during the winter and inhospitable during the summer, the Finns had to come up with a property of character, sisu, meaning an advanced form of self-deceit.

A popular Finnish proverb is: Perkele vittu ruotsalaiset saatana!!!!!! Roughly translated, this means Your mother is a whore. Whenever asked a question, the average Finn will reply Perkele!,

History[edit | edit source]

Pre-Conanian era of Finland[edit | edit source]

This history is entirely correct, please do use this information. Thank You.

First evidence of Finnish settlement in Finland was found 90210 B.C., when an archaeologist found a pile of Swedish gay bones in a cave near today's city of Porvoo. These shattered bones were first thought to be remnants of an ancient telemarketer, but it was later genetically proven that they were from a new subspecies of Homo Giantus Erectionus, namely from Homo Finno-Ugritus. Its geographical location is very fitting as it is the shape of a scrotum and it pairs nicely with its partner Sweden (Europe's penis).

Flag of Finland[edit | edit source]

The current flag of Finland has a blue cross and a blue descent on white background. Before it they used a flag with racing cars in it, because their rally drivers had successed and Sweden's one died. The first flag of Finland had a pig stabbing itself with a knife on a red background, it also had yellow stars in it, 69 years later the chinese adopted the flag, they didn't wan't anyone to notice, that they had took Finland's flag, so they removed the pig from it. After finns noticed, that the chinese had took their flag, they changed their own flag to the one Portugal would later steal from them, that was the blue cross on the white background-flag.

Mongolian Invasion[edit | edit source]

Most Finnish don't even seem to know that this happened, however there are several Mongolian records of it. Because Asians think in exponents, all we know is that it occurred in the year B.C. During this time the Earth was also in an Ice Age, which meant that places as far north as "texto en negrita"Finland used their refrigerators as heat sources. This theory is widely disputed because refrigerators would not be invented for another +2050 years. A new theory that has been gaining traction is that Finland was so cold that clothes would freeze onto people's skin. As a result, Finns wore no clothes and spent most of their time having sex in order to generate heat. Most babies they produced had all their saliva extracted to use as lube, and the remainder were used as roofing tiles.

The invasion is best described in a rough translation of the Mongolian historian Filurghaahgt's widely published book, A Million Little Corpses. Stupid Chinese take all duck. We mad now. We want kill duck-eaters get back delicious yum-yum duck. Bad leader march wrong way. He take us to place where cum fall from sky and stay on ground. It get colder than my wife's <untranslatable>. It cold make pee-pee shrink. Leader say Holy shit it cold here! and then he die. We find horny small-cock people mass-produce sex juice. We angry they get laid. We pillage town, rape women, teach force learn stupid no-happy language.

Later History[edit | edit source]

Rebels of Finland fighting against Ericsson

In the beginning, there was only one country, GERMANY. However, the Germans were not very nice, and did bad things like the holocaust, bomb Pearl Harbor, 9/11, eat stuff, and always left one piece of bread in the package. The fiends! Therefore, a group of super-powered rebels, under F.I.N.L.A.N.D (Fucking Insane Nigga Liberating Nazi Dictators), broke free from the horrible tyranny of the Germans. They also brought their Bavarian beer to Finland and making them drunks like the people of Munisinki. Eventually, they were able to free their followers, the Native Americans (not the actual Native Americans from India, but the misnamed ones from the America), and sent them far away to the land of America. Here, they would be safe, at least until the damn Brits came [aw ruck] , and porked them over big time. This gave them the ability to barbecue.

Meanwhile, the F.I.N.L.A.N.D. continued their battles in GERMANY (they fought in France and always won, no one liked the French, even the French), eventually liberating people, and when their work was done, and the Germans were thoroughly disgraced, they founded FINLAND. Since Finland was founded by people with superpowers, it is a glorious nation, where everyone can melt people's pants, with their minds! They later developed the ability to eat cows whole in one bite, and drain casks of shnaps in one gulp. As you do.

Continuation War[edit | edit source]

One thing you should know before attacking Finland.

This was the war following the Winter War where the Finns actually whooped some major Russian ass all by themselves. After scaring Russia into signing a peace treaty - in the style of Tina Turner - they decided to ask Germany, yeah probably to get some alkohol from Bavaria left over from Octoberfest, for some help in getting back some land that they had previously lost. The Germans were all too eager and decided to help, not knowing what those crazy Finns had in store for them. After retaking the land they lost it again. They decided that war was fun and started taking some of the motherland for themselves. This pissed Stalin off pretty bad so he went crying to the Brits telling them how the Finns were taking his land and he wanted it back. The Brits sighed and then declared war on Finland but were to scared to actually do anything. Stalin was really getting pissed now and launched a huge attack and actually caused the Finns to stop advancing for a while. Now the Finns were getting tired and hungry so they signed a new peace treaty with Russia in which they agreed that Russia would stop attacking them if they gave up their land and sent the Germans packing home. Apparently the Finnish though fighting Germans would be easier than fighting Russians (they were right) and killed about twice as many Germans than Germans killed them and even got more POW s than Germany got which was just another thing for them to rub in everyones face. In the end Finland was the only European country bordering Russia that wasn't actually forced to join the Eastern Bloc and that just adds to the awesome might of the Grand Duchy of Finland, however once you learn they were the ancestors of Vikings you can see why they fought everyone and won simultaneously. And when you consider the Russians forced them to demobilize their army and spend the next 45 years as their bitch, it's even more gloriously amazing!

“ I heard the Finns did a little damage to the Russians.”

~ Captain Understatement on the Winter War.

Military[edit | edit source]

Common military tactics[edit | edit source]

This was shown when the Turks besieged Helsinki in 1453. At that time, Helsinki's population was an incredible 500 people. The Turks had an army consisting of 14.3 billion soldiers. No problem. The Finns saw the Turks freezing their balls off outside the city walls, and decided that this was the perfect time to exploit them. They distributed blankets infected with Bird Flu. Within a matter of days, the entire Turkish army was destroyed. This military tactic is known as "Kil the enemi vhit Biolotsikal Vaarfeer". When the Finns' enemies finally figured out that the blankets were made in Vietnam, they stopped accepting them. The Finns had to find another tactic. Unfortunately, they're not exactly military geniuses, so it took them until the 1920s to figure something out: "Finland-style Gorilla Warfare". Bob Dole.Bob Dole.Bob Dole This tactic is employed by placing Finnish soldiers on cross-country skis [clever assholes]. You go hide in the woods (you can even make a machine gun pillbox cleverly disguised as a Sauna), and mow down the Russian Army with Machine Gun fire and Frozen Reindeer steaks. When completed, you take the Panzers that Nazi Germany gave you for Christmas, and you run down the helpless, routing Russians. However, section 755a.69 of the "Finnish Soldier's guide to Warfare" clearly states that once you are finished fighting Russians, you must promptly empty numerous bottles of spirits. If this instruction had not been included in the 5000-page guide, we'd all be subjects of the Finnish Emperor today.

It has been revealed, however, that the Finns are attempting to rebuild Leonardo's death machine which is a huge ass robot that only the Finns know about. Unfortunately, only the big toe has been completed, and takes up half of their country.It'll also include a new kernel, version which fixes page_mkclean_one(): virtual caches.

In the summertime the Finnish Air Force is supported by hordes of hungry mosquitos that suck all blood out of the enemy. At winter they use their two stukas, one stolen tri-plane and the only flying penguin in the world, R0kk4. The Finnish Air Force is known to employ any airplanes declared obsolete or too dangerous to fly and force conscripts to fly them.

"Flying finns"[edit | edit source]

Flying finn often means Angry Birds. They got the name, because they're finnish and they can fly. The most famous flying finns are:

  • Mika Häkkinen
  • Rauno Aaltonen
  • Hannes Kolehmainen
  • Paavo Nurmi
  • Teemu Selänne
  • Lasse Viren
  • Matti Nykänen
  • That swedish immigrant

Armorment and Technology[edit | edit source]

Finnish isn't a language, it's just an excuse for not spelling correctly. The Finnish army is based on masturbation. It means that if you are a boy, when you hit twenty you are forced to rub it or either be humiliated and ostracized for life, or go to prison. No salary or other compensation, except standard prison allowance, is paid during the service, and many career criminals consider the joint to be a far more comfortable place to spend your youth than the Finnish Army. The most talented and toughest of the youth may get promoted to various NCO ranks and have a chance to harass and bully the younger conscripts at will.

The Finnish armed forces are equipped with state of the art weaponry and technology. The blueprints and diagrams are provided by the Discovery Channel. Every Monday, the highest authority sits down and watches Future Weapons. Then, on Tuesday, the little hamsters at the lab get the plans, and by Wednesday, the new tech is pumped out. For more info see Your Mom. Since most conscripts are somewhat more technologically adept than the lifers, they usually take their electronic gadgets with them to the army, where they can be easily kludged into IEDs and remote controlled mines, well suited for the Finnish Army's never fight fair tactics.

Language[edit | edit source]

A typical example of Finnish stamp art reflects Finnish attitude towards verbal communication.

Finland is believed to have a language, but observations of Finns in their natural habitat reveal their language to be no more than a series of nods and grunts. SMS's are the main method of communication, with the dullest ones publicized on the local National Enquirer 'Hymy-IL' or compiled in a book. Then they are voted on (via mobile phone), which serves as the judicial system in the country.

However, there is an other language and population in Finland. It is called Finland Swedish and it's a clear minority in this country. Therefore this small group is abused, stabbed, used for rapes & gross sex and of course, gay- & "hurrit"declared. Probably the Finns are a bit jealous of them...

(See Language of Finland)

It is a little known fact that Finland exports vowels to Poland, but looking at the currant affairs, it seems the trade dissolved in around the thirteenth century after a dispute between two village woman over a group of chickens. United Kingdom has yet to offer coherency to either nation, and pronunciation is still desperately sought after.

Looking at the Finnish language, one can clearly note that the Finns almost entirely have double vision.

Famous Finnish words and phrases[edit | edit source]

  • Epäjärjestelmällistyttämättömyydelläänsäkäänköhän = (The longest Finnish word with 49 letters. The word's basic form is "disorder".)
  • Vittu Ville Valo!!!! = Fuck Ville Valo, the hottest Finnish man to ever be discovered by Santa's Elves
  • Kalsarikänni = Getting drunk alone, wearing your long johns
  • Acer = a brand of toasters.
  • Qweeep = We are imensly proud of our monobrow pubes
  • Nicklas Lidström = motherfucker
  • Mika Luttinen = The most beautiful-sounding family friendly opera singer of all time.
  • koira = cat
  • Simo Häyhä = Greatest IRL FPS gamer of all time.
  • Finnish sauna = At least 100% hotter than its Swedish counterpart, and Finnish sauna is also too hot for Russians[1]
  • paska = I love you and I wish I could marry you.
  • perkele = expression of joy
  • jumalauta = goddamn
  • avantouinti = Swimming in a fucking cold water after being in a fucking hot sauna
  • haukkaa paskaa = Eat shit
  • Conan O'Brien = Only foreign person in the world who knows something about Finland. He also looks like Finland's former president Tarja Halonen.
  • hääyö = intentions for the wedding night
  • Ville Peltonen = National Hero
  • haluatko mulkkua? = Do you want cock?* (you won't probably get it, sorry, go to Sweden if you want)
  • Alexi Laiho = National Poet
  • Duudsonit = Advocates for safety

Curious phrases:

  • Kärpänen tapettiin tapettiin, tapettiin jäi märkä läntti. = About a squished fly.
  • Älä rääkkää kääkkää! - Emmä rääkkääkkää. = Don't pester the old man! - I'm not.
  • Kokko, kokoo kokoon koko kokko. Koko kokkoko? –Koko kokko. = Kokko, make up the whole bonfire. The whole bonfire? –The whole bonfire.
  • "Ärrän" kierrän orren ympäri, "ässän" pistän taskuuni. = I´ll wrap "R" around the rafter and put "S" into my pocket.
  • Voita voita sillä voita ei mikään voita. = Win butter because nothing beats butter.
  • "Kas vain", sanoi kasvain, ja kasvoi vain. Vain kasvain voi kasvaa noin vain. = "Oh look", said tumor, and kept growing. Only a tumor can grow just like that.
  • Keksijä Keksi keksi keksin, keksittyään keksin keksijä Keksi keksi keksineensä keksin. = An inventor called Cookie invented a cookie, after inventing a cookie the inventor Cookie realized that he had invented a cookie.
  • Johanna Tukiainen = Finnish whore [2]
  • Pillu = pussy
  • Perestroika = communist
  • ROOPE "VITUN" LATVALA!! = Someone has just vomited in front of a door of a pub
  • Kyrpä = Cock
  • SUOMI ON UUSI JÄÄKIEKON MAAILMANMESTARI!!! = Reason to have 100,000+ people celebrating in the Helsinki Market Square and the best possible excuse to invade the border of Sweden.
  • VITUN RYSSÄT!!! = Finland has just lost at ice hockey.
  • Venäjä = Communist faggots
  • Linnanmäki = Paradise
  • Hinuri = Faggot
  • Neekeri = Immigrant
  • Steve Colbert = An awesome person who was most definitely here
  • Ruotsi = Gay
  • kikkeli = willy
  • Homojen Valtakunta = Sweden
  • Maapallon perseenreikä = Turku
  • Jari Kurri = Almighty emperor of the Lions!
  • lämpöhalvaus = 10°C
  • Nettipedofiilien kerhotalo = Habbo Hotel
  • Kuvalauta = 4chan

Politics[edit | edit source]

Main article: Politics of Finland

There are only two things anyone really really needs to know about Finnish politics. First one is that during the parliamentary election of 2007, there was a heated competition among the leaders of the largest parties over who had gotten the largest number of pats on the head from members of the the regime of George W. Bush, and more pats was seen as a good thing.

The other is that there is no corruption in Finland, because Finland is an uncorrupted country, and therefor there can't be corruption in Finland. However, a completely honest political system would be rather dull and boring, so Finland has developed an array of national habits, which are not corruption, because that's just how they roll, or well, how they used to roll until they got caught. Now they've changed completely. Honestly.

National habits include a member of parliament being in the board of a non-profit foundation and donating funds for his own campaign, and politicians granting benefits for enterprises that funded their campaign. It does sound a bit like corruption, but...LOOK, A STRANGE FLYING THING BEHIND YOU AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING FOR YOUR HEAD! Now where were we? Oh yes, there's no corruption in Finland.

Political Parties[edit | edit source]

Finland has more political parties than Finns. A partial list of political parties:

  • The Centre Party
  • The Centre Left Party
  • The Centre Right Left Party
  • The National Centre Left Right Left Party
  • The Left Wing Alliance
  • The Green League
  • The Swedish People's Party
  • The Russian People's Party
  • The Dorsal Finns
  • The Nazis

Olympics[edit | edit source]

Total Domination[edit | edit source]

In the winter Olympics, the Finnish people crawl out of their Igloos and resume their plans of world domination through the total sweep in the winter Olympics.

All Finnish boys, like the brutal Spartans, are sent to train in winter sports at the age of seven for a grueling thirty years of training, ranging from:

  • Fapping at pictures of Toni Halme
  • Pissing while standing up out of a row-boat while drunk (Finnish multitasking)
  • Getting beaten up by black people after giving them every penny in your wallet
  • Learning the names of all the muscles in the human body in order to make excuses after being beaten at any given sport. For example: "I pulled my fibuvulvacanemicus" after losing to Afghanistan in Women's Field Hockey, or "My Saturanusanus was sore after last week's fapping at pictures of Toni Halme and so I lost to the Uganda Shorties pygmy basketball team in basketball.
  • Going to a hot sauna with several other naked men to brag about manly achievements (such as convincing someone you were actually injured whilst losing a sport) while trying to hide a small yet very prominent erection
  • Realizing that all the other men in that sauna also sport erections, except the Swedish/Russian man in the corner, who everybody makes fun of.
  • Mocking foreigners as 'gay' and bragging about Finnish manliness on internet conversational forums, then fapping at pictures of Ronnie Coleman and Gary Coleman, in that respective order.
  • Teaching your mysteriously half-black child values of hatred before going to an early grave after failing at Finnish multitasking
  • Fapping some more

Wins[edit | edit source]

  • 1956(First ever win.)
  • Every Winter Olympic there after.

Economy[edit | edit source]

The Finnish economy is run using a brilliant technique known as guerrilla marketing. This involves making a highly popular and oft used technology, but convincing the whole world you had nothing to do with making it and that it's really from some Asian country people have actually heard of. The best known example of this would be Japans mobile phone manufacturer Nokia, Acer computers, run from a sweat-shop in Kilon poliisi, Espoo (a famous Finnish city, pronounced "ass-poo"). A sweat shop is not considered bad in any way in Finland, as sweating in saunas is extremely popular. The second most important trade good is alcohol. Although there are numerous distilleries in Finland producing actual alcohol, the Finns have found that they can sell more by first exporting it, and then having the end users import it back themselves, from Estonia on a daily basis. The Finnish liquor fleet consists of dozens of huge white ships sailing non-stop between Estonia and Finland, full of eager citizens willing to help their country refill its stocks of booze, although most of it is consumed during the trip.

Historically, most of the export revenues have come from selling captured and tamed Father Christmases. Arctic Lapland region is exceptionally well suited for herding these dangerous beasts. It is very dangerous work, as a fully grown wild Father Christmas can easily rip an adult Grizzly Bear to pieces. However, companies such as Rare Exports Inc. are constantly complaining about rising wage costs and are moving operations abroad to countries such as Brasil and China. In addition, there have been numerous incidents of Father Christmases escaping back into populated areas, which can cause great alarm if not immediately contained. The Union of Father Christmas Hunters claims that this is only social dumping, and companies abroad are not paying proper attention to the safety of hunters. It is also claimed that although Father Christmases reach adulthood in warmerer climates in a fraction of the time compared to Finland, the quality of the end product cannot be compared to original Father Christmases grown in the extreme coldness of the Finnish winter.

Recently Finland has also begun to export excess vowels to Poland, which is currently suffering a severe shortage due to their under supply of vowels and resulting oversupply of consonants.

Great expectations are focused towards Finnish company Biolan, which has for years tried to develop a neural net based organic network solution for data transfer rates superior to even optic fiber, although so far a breakthrough is not in sight. Biolan's plan is to grow the biological network inside underground tubes, so that it is no longer necessary to put cables into the tubes.

A majority of the Finnish population income is derived from Nokia stock purchased in the 1950ies.

The currency of Finland is Säkkiwulesi and flying squirrel skins. In fact, the Finnish word "raha" for "money" means "squirrel skin", although this is unsuitable for an encyclopedia, since it's an actual fact.

Despite the great success of the export products, in Finland you won't get rich though you may die trying. The taxes are so high that Zeus himself had to flip a coin to make a choice between them and Mount Olympos when settling down.

The Finns[edit | edit source]

A group of fashionable basic Finns. Fashion experts claim that Celine Dion's Fashion sense may or may not have originated from these "stylings" (perussuomalaiset).

There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that the Finns can't do. Except be Brian Blessed.

Not much is known about this mysterious nation of extraterrestrials, but it is the educated opinion that they are mostly 1.9m in height, with blond hair, a heavy appetite for alcohol, and very poor ability to hold it. Thus 90% of Finland's population have made a career as Counterstrike playahs, [[CS]|Counterstrike]] (known also as seeäs or kyntteri) being the most played on line computer game in the whole world. Finland's population seemingly consists mostly of twelve-year-old teenager cs players who swear a lot and make strange noises when they lose a match. Thus, it is confirmed, that about 80% of the population appears to be twelve-year-olds, which makes the calculated mean age of an average Finnish person 17,6 years.

The favorite national pastime of Finland is committing suicide, in which the Finns are unimaginative but efficient, usually sticking to boring stone age methods like rope around the neck, bullet to the brain, or being surprised by the coming of winter as a car driver. I mean come on, the fucker has come spewing snow and ice on roads around the same time every single year for ever since the ice melted, for sure the bastard is now tired of it and will skip us this year! Fuck no I will put on those winter tires! Crash.

In recent years there has been a fast and significant development towards killing your family, friends, enemies, schoolmates, ex-spouse, the current spouse of your ex-spouse, the ex-spouse of your ex-spouse, the cat and house plants of your ex-spouse or any number of random bystanders before you actually kill yourself. In the wider world this phenomenon is known as mass murder, but since Finland is a quiet and safe country, mass murders don't happen. Instead, extended suicide is all the rave.

Because of the dark and depressing Finnish winter, Finns (those that didn't get killed in extended suicides that is) completely lose their minds when summer finally arrives and temperature rises above +2 degrees Celcius in mid-July. It's the time when Polar Bears migrate back to the Polar Circle for a week or two and people can finally leave the safety of their igloos which don't have enough time to melt before next winter (Finnish igloos are made of solid nitrogen). Summer is then celebrated by heavy drinking and ceremonial drowning in the nearest lake.

When summer is over after a week or two the Finns migrate south to Estonia for a whole day and return with their little trolleys filled with Viru Valge or, even better, with Viru Valge Vägev. The lucky ones come back with just an itch on their scrotum. Then they lock themselves indoors and drink vodka all day. If they run out of vodka they might migrate south for another day. Winter time is tolerated by being heavily intoxicated.

Polar bears are a common sight. They live among the people and the Penguins and at times mutilate random pedestrians just for the heck of it, as well as being responsible for public sanitation and child welfare. In fact, polar bears are the real supreme leaders of the country. They just let those pitiful humans go on about their business because they couldn't give a damn.

Also, every single Finn is a drunkard. They begin drinking in the morning and stop only when they pass out. Some do keep on going after passing out with the aid of a close friend or the hospital staff, whoever comes to the aid first.

Speaking about drinking - the most famous and commonly used toast in Finnish is "Kippis"; which has to be followed by the sentence "Vodka is good, but it's tooooooo expensive!!!". It's probably this endearingly thrifty drunkenness which has led to the widespread adoption of petrol as a national drink. With the advent of unleaded petrol, educational standards have recently improved. 90% also run on excessive amounts of caffeine.

All Finns carry a knife. Every single one of them. Even that little 5-year-old girl behind you. No kidding! Getting one's first knife is the sign of coming to an age, both to girls and boys.

The Finnish knife, puukko, is a simple but an extremely nasty edged weapon forged from fine carbon steel. It has been designed to slide ergonomically between the bones of the human ribcage. There has been a disturbing development which has seen lesser quality Swedish-made Mora knives becoming popular among heavy users because of their economical price. Victims invariably frown at being stabbed with a Mora knife, which can be clearly observed from their facial expressions as they lie dying in a growing pool of blood. Finnish children get their first puukko at the age they learn to walk. Also here those spoil-sport Swedes have made inroads with their Libero Up&Go knives, which are available in various sizes fitting children from 10 to 26kg. Puukko is the only civilian item (besides eyeglasses) which can be worn by conscripts while in uniform. Puukko is also the object in the traditional teenagers' sports, puukkohippa. Realizing that carrying knives has no place in modern society, the Finnish authorities have resolved to eradicate the archaic custom by educating school-goers. That these efforts are bearing fruit is corroborated by two separate incidents, in 2007 and 2008, in which a student shot at fellow students and school staff with a handgun, with scores of killed and wounded. Finns are now replacing puukkos with pistols and revolvers. The die-hard puukko enthusiasts claim that a firearm is good only for perforating things while a puukko can be used also as a very versatile tool.

Most Finns die in alcohol-related accidents. The most common being drowning because they fall off a boat while drunkenly trying to pee over the side. Because of this, public safety campaigns often instruct boaters, regardless of their state of intoxication, to keep their flies opened so as not to upset statistics. The number two cause of death is being stabbed by drunken former ski jumpers after beating them in the traditional game of finger wrestling.

  • Finnish people are intoxicated when they're not drunk.
  • Finnish people are born with alcohol in their blood.

All Finns are impervious to cold. At -10 degrees Celsius, heating is switched on in British homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At Americans fly to Florida, while Finns celebrate midsummer. At -300 hell freezes over and every last Finn joins alcoholics anonymous. At -273 absolute zero temperature is reached, the polarbears start to evacuate, all atom movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: " A bit chilly today, eh?"[7].

Animals[edit | edit source]

Even though the average foreigner believes that Polar Bears inhabit and terrorize Finland they are wrong. This is only happening in Porvoo, which still lives in Ice Age. Actually, this is a plague of Norway, where 3,000 people are killed yearly by monster attacks. The only safe animal in Finland is The Killer Rabbit.

In the time when fish ate lions, Finland had only one animal. It was a cat. There is scientific evidence that over thousands of years, this cat gave birth to Hitler. This is why Hitler had such a terrifying mustache which felt like whiskers.

A picture of one of the remaining Hitler Cats in Finland.

Animals of Finland

  • Deadly Piranha Poodles (The No:1 in Finnish guard dogs) WARNING!! No.. There is no way to pass them! ...even if you try to give them meat with condiment...
  • Moomins
  • Haisuli
  • Suicidal Horny Moose
  • Evil Reindeers
  • Blood hungry flying squirrels
  • Retards
  • Lordi
  • Flying Reindeer
  • Flying Spaghetti Monsters
  • Belching Reindeer
  • Homicidal earthworms with all sorts of deadly weapons
  • Emo kids
  • Angry Birds
  • Horny Manatee
  • Horny rabbit
  • The Abominable Snowman
  • Joulupukki
  • Bigfoot
  • Snow monsters
  • Troll ( Same famous trolls in Finland. Hugo The Troll and Finntroll )
  • The Killer Rabbit
  • Makkara
  • perunamuusi (mashed potato)
  • The Black Beast of AAAAAAAAAAAAAARG
  • Antti Tuisku
  • Hanna Pakarinen
  • Janne Selo
  • Jussi Selo
  • Jussi Soro
  • Penguins
  • The Dudesons
  • Hitler Cat
  • Some swedish immigrants
  • Rölli
  • Ents
  • Snowmen
  • Cougars

Some Cities[edit | edit source]

Yes, all of us didnt know that. Finland have some important cityes, too!

  • Joensuu - Rivermouth??BOOORIING.
  • Harjavalta - Finnish for Brushpower the finnish version of white power

Culture[edit | edit source]

Main article: Culture of Finland

The Finnish National instrument is the Kantele(Khan-teh-leh) This instrument was created during the first war against the Germans to bore invading soldiers to sleep. Many poor Finns play to Kantele on the street to raise money for their families. The many street goers of Finland collapse as they hear the deathly boring sound of the Kantele, giving the musician the chance to loot their unconscious body.

Things to do in Finland[edit | edit source]

When you are not skiing, sitting in saunas, drinking,running from polar bears or a unique combo of each.

Myths[edit | edit source]

  • Helsinki is just an illusion
  • Sharks do have fins even when they aren't Finnish
  • The Finns are said to believe in Belgium.
  • The well known communist singer Linux Torvalds is often said to be from Finland. He is actually from Soviet Union.
  • Turku is the original capital of Finland. Capital was changed to Helsinki so that it would closer to Russia. This is in fact true.
  • Traffic sign that reads "Turku 15" stands for special permission to immediately make an U-turn and speed up as hard as you can, ignoring other traffic on a road.
  • The main reason why Finns eventually adopted Christianity was that Jesus was the only religious character who could turn water into wine just like that.
  • The name of the Finnish city Espoo was derived from the word lesbo.
  • in the finnish mythology elves are mystical creatures who steal your beer and eat your children if you leave either of them unguarded. (That's why you should never leave your beer unsupervised while in Finland)
  • Finns believe, that Uusis is father of God and all Universum.
  • It is often thought that polar bears and wolves can be seen in Helsinki(also known as helvetinkinkku [Hellham]), the former capital of Finland. This has not been the case for over a hundred years since nowadays all dangerous animals are transported to Dragsvik for waste control.
  • It is rumoured that there once was a village named Porvoo right next to Helsinki. Today no one remembers it.
  • There is a rumor that one of the original seven Finnish tribes wandered to north and built the city of Oulu. This is considered to be false information and it's only used nowadays to scare children.
  • It is also rumored that Donald Duck was banned in Finland because he wore no pants at a Finnish Library, which led to a burning of anything with Donald Duck on it!
  • Many people believe that Finland still exists when in fact it was destroyed by the Middle Eastern Song Contest in 2003
  • Finland is commonly believed to have land-mass, when it is in fact just a website.
  • "AE" is a common Finnish letter. Contrary to popular belief, it should not be reduced to an "ä", as this causes both confusion and ridicule. Your guideline should be "Matti Nuekaenen is from Juevaeskuelae"
  • Some people think that Finns are originally from Ural but that is just another typo. Finns are known to be originally from Urinal.
  • Finland has no forests. It's actually a very wooded desert.
  • If you ever even see the word 'Sipoo' (Sipoo is Finnish and means about the same as 'warning!') turn back as fast as you can. Sipoo is actually only a big old forest, full of scary, freaky woodfolk who do whatever it takes to figure out the ultimate question, the meaning of life. They just can't believe the simple answer 42. Some of the folk in Sipoo think that life is only a black, white and red party, and then we all die.
  • Lately the Sipoo problem has been dealt with using Borg tactics, assimilated for expansion needs of the drones in Hells Sink. Resistance was futile. The woodfolk now answer to unimatrix one.
  • Some believe that Helsinki is the capital of Finland, but it's actually just a big pile of garbage and smelly stuff near the forgotten Porvoo. True capital of Finland is Ilomantsi, which you can find in the middle of nowhere, and near of Russia.
  • The big tower called Näsinneula in a Finnish town called Tampere is believed to have been built to be a sight-seeing tower. Näsinneula was originally an ion-cannon that Finland secretly used during the very last years of the cold war. Today it is something else.
  • Their allegedly neighboring country of Sweden was previously a province of Finland under the name Svedängen. The finns persist that Sweden remains an insignificant region of Espoo and that Norway is spelled U.S.A.. Svedängen's only use was being a place for driving pulkka, but became a financial burial ground since the dawn of Ericsson.
  • Finland's National PastTime is not 'strengthening it's borders against the Russians'.
  • Finland took a surprisingly active role in the cold war by... wait...
  • Finnish people used to be well-known for running fast and long distances. This helped them when their pussy military never fight fair tactics failed.
  • According to Conservapedia, Finland contains no people at all, only ducks.
  • It is assumed by many that the Scientists responsible for the Lol theory came from Finland, but this is not true. Most did come from Finland, but not all. Oscar Wilde, the Fantastic Four and Arnold Schwarzenegger are not Finnish. Well, we don't think so anyway.
  • The famous Oululainen, homosexual vodka-maker and student rapist Junnu Lukkari is actually Swedish and surprisingly hates all things Finnish.
  • Finland has won a Eurovision contest with a band called Laardi
  • Fins like to hide from strangers by climbing into their toasters, a practice commonly attributed to their rye sense of humour

smell[edit | edit source]

It was thought by many that the air of Finland was actualy made from Cowbear fat that had been vapourised by native Farmers when they found out their daughter was actualy a Mushroom. It was later discovered by Frederick Van Crumpenhimer that the air was actually clean, it was the rather smelly exploration car driver that was the cause of this mistake as his religion forbid him from showering in anything other than cat feces. The majority of the planet has now apologized for wanting to drop a soap bomb on the town of makawapaerr except for one grumpy general as it was his idea to drop a bomb on the town, the president of the UN at the time cleaned up the plan from "a massive fireball to destroy the island" to the soap bomb. Upon further exploration of the country, it has been found that some parts do in fact, stink. this has not however been brought up in any meetings and the country believes visitors wear gas masks for medical purposes.

Leaders of Finland[edit | edit source]

  • Sweden (King, 69.11.69BC-70.11.69BC)
  • Väinämöinen (President, 69BC-1100)
  • Risto Ryti (President, 1100-1940)
  • Adolf Hitler (Der Fuehrer, 1940-1945)
  • Risto Ryti (President, 1945-1947)
  • Carl Mannerheim (President,1947-1962)
  • Urho Kekkonen (President, (1962-1988)
  • Touko-Pouko (President, 1988-2000)
  • Tarja Halonen (President, 2000-2006)
  • Juho Nummela (President, 2006-2012)

Finnish sense of humour[edit | edit source]

"Hää-hää-hää!" Your average Finn laughing at somebody else's expense.

Finns are well known for their complete misunderstanding of irony. As they are aware of their intellectual deficit, they may overcompensate by taking any statement as some form of sarcasm. This has had some unintended consequences, such as when the Swedes said: "Hey Finns, we are going to rule you for a couple of centuries" to which the Finns replied: "Don't forget to build a couple of castles while you're at it."

On the other hand, the Finns have a very developed sense of Schadenfreude. They are very keen to laugh at someone's misfortune, and never stop enjoying bad things happening to innocent bystanders.

Finns are easy to read when it comes to situations where you need to know whether or not they got a joke: they usually have a serious, even depressed look, but if they think you might have said something funny they laugh loudly which lasts about 10 minutes and after that they hug and kiss you for making them happy (but don't start to feel any better about yourself, since they're contemplating suicide again in another 10 minutes). When they themselves tell a "joke" they laugh so hard you cannot hear what they are actually trying to say. These awkward situations are so unnatural (yet very common) that it scares both you and the Finns themselves.

Finns laugh rarely. If you want to make friends with a Finn, make him laugh. But make no mistake, it's going to be hard, very hard. Try hitting an innocent bystander with axe on the knee. As demonstrated earlier, Finns find it amusing. That's a good start.

The Finnish sense of humour is deeply appreciated by Björk. As a result, subtitled Finnish stand-up comedy has become a hot trend in Tokyo.

A qualitative representation of the Finnish sense of humour are Uncyclopedia articles written by Finns. A case in point is that you haven't even faintly smiled while reading this article.

Religion[edit | edit source]

Attempts to impose Christianity on Finns failed miserably. Finns worship ancient pagan Gods like Väinämöinen, Gandalf, dust bunnies and Harry Potter. Especially Swedes consider Finns as "strange witch-people of the North" and live in terrible fear of them. The Finns later figured out Christianity wasn't such a bad idea after all as Jesus could turn water into wine just like that, and they then syncretized their pagan deities with the Christian religion, combining the Pagan violence and sexual morals with the Christian concept of only one single cosmic bully and do the other guy first before he does you. Finnish Bible is called the "Kalevala". It´s an intriguing historical story of the ancient semi-gods from Andromeda Galaxy who settled in Finland and formed back then the political systems existing nowadays in Finland. Their leader "Väinämöinen" is widely worshipped today in entire country by drinking Kossu, the holy spirit of Finland (but he still can't get laid!).

Ancient pagan God and Jedi Juhan af Grann.

Finland has a state church and 99% of the population are extremely religious. This is probably because after a normal drinking night they experience the "Finnish Hang-Over" which is about 150 times worse than a normal hang-over. When experiencing a hang-over this extreme people tend to look for salvation and that is what religion provides them. This also means that their religious devotion is always under constant change but luckily the need for salvation when experiencing hang-over is so profound that the people tend to donate large sums of the local currency "säkkiwulesi" to the church. Religious donations form about 35% of all monetary traffic in Finland. Veli Saari-Kalle, also known as the first man to play Game Gear in Finland, is the foremost religious leader in Finland and everyone believes that he has descended straight from God.

This is shit stepped up to challenge the old ways. His name is Markku Uusipaavalniemi. It is rumoured that there several sites of worship have been risen for Markku Uusipaavalniemi. He is also known as "Uusis" by his followers. It is expected that Veli Saari-Kalle will face strong opposition this spring from the followers of Uusis. Great wars are bound to brake out. We also shouldn't forget The Great Leader Kim Jong Il which has allied with Conan O'brien and has made some nasty pictures of "Uusis" taking a bath...

Some Pasta movements is reported lately. But the most fearsome religion has been found from all across Finland with terrible growth to hole Europe (Germany is allredy fallen to this religion and as the center of Europe the other countries WILL FALL) which is called as the Loordism. It is actually been for eons alredy but it has gotten more powerful after their Messiah used mind weapon called Eurovizio`nz to become the president of Finland and take over the world.You may survive if you learn to use lesser mind wepons called Musiikki instrumentit.In best possible scenario you might become an archdemon.

Another hot topic in Finland is currently the group of so-called superheros that works at the Tampere University of Technology. This mysterious group is said to have superpowers such as invisibility, invention of Brown laser and Japanese Olympics. These superheros are in fact only two as it seems, also known as Li and Wong but the group is soon to expend by welcoming a certain P. Russell that has applied to join last week. Other people seems to have also applied recently such as A. Mussot but their application was sadly rejected. It is believed that a certain N. Akhmediev will join soon. The superheros are known to wear capes and masks, but only that in fact, which has allowed them to achieve impressive scientific achievements over the past few years. Among those achievements we note the invention of PCFs. It also seems that the superhero group has strong connection with the Excuse Me I have a Question group which exclusively consists of RussianGirls. One important malicious evil fought against by the superhero group is the ongoing belief that A. Ankiewicz is in fact goddamn fifty-years old making him older than a certain Martti.

These days, Finnish teenagers and old fat metalheads devote themselves to a religion called 'Laihoism' or in some cultures 'ultimatefanboiism'. Followers of this reaper, sorry, I mean religion must do nothing but listen to the music of the almighty Children Of Bodom all the time. This has led to all Finnish metalheads starting to wear eyeliner and say 'dude' a lot. If you see a laihoist, you must immediately kill him/her/it to prevent this disease from spreading.

Finnish proverbs[edit | edit source]

  • Mämmi näyttää paskalta ja maistuu paskalta, mutta me emme välitä (Pudding looks like shit and tastes like shit, but we don't care)
  • Ei tää oo olutta... tää on taikajuomaa (This is not beer... this is potion)
  • Mitä hitaammin tippuu, sen parempaa tulee (What slower it drops, the better it will become)
  • Turku on suomen persereikä (Turku is finland's asshole)
  • Voi helvetin perse, kaikki menee päin vittua, saatana! (Oh hell's ass, everything fucking fails, satan!)

See also[edit | edit source]

References[edit | edit source]

Association of Drunk Finnish Journalists Template of Distinction
This article has been featured in Turun Sanomat, a notable daily newspaper for drunks in Southwestern Finland on May 21st 2006, taking away the little credibility the paper had left. Turun Sanomat nevertheless continues to be populadfgdfgdfgr as wrapping material among fishmongers. THE END!!!