Language of Finland

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Voi vittu!



For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Language of Finland.

The official language of Finland is Lamppostanese. Some people claim they speak Georgish. This is largely because no foreigners have yet to hear a Finn speak. If they do speak, it will most likely be in the language you speak as they have some sort of psychic ability to realize that you are a foreigner and your native language is Punjabi. They then download this language from your brain and use it on you, thus saving you the challenges of actually learning the Finnish language. However, they have no idea where this language family came from, nor how it got to where it is today, leading the vast majority of linguists to conclude that the Finns are the last remains of an alien invasion thousands of years ago, which would certainly explain their psychic abilities.

Because their first contact with foreigners was with the Swedes, Finland's second language is Swedish, but most Finns prefer to rely on their natural psychic abilities than actually stoop to such a low level and speak this language. Finnish, also know as Aeiouyåäö, has hardly any known consonants, but lots of pretty dots. When speaking it, you need to speak clearly and keep the ears well back. The longest run of vowels in a Finnish word is in 'riiuuyöaie' (plan for the courting night) although 'hääyöaie' (=plan for the wedding night) won't play ball and goes to home crying after hearing this. The Finns have been engaged in an eons-long psychic war with the Hawai'ians who they claim copied their language, stole their glottal stop and threw their the seal goddess Aeiouyåäö into a volcano. The autheticity of these claims cannot be verified as Hawai'ian are known to be figments of the imagination of tourists who drank too many dirty martinis. On the other hand one of the few known consonants, r, is what makes Finns sound very unfriendly, especially when combined to the fact that they hardly speak at all. For a small letter it sure has a big effect on the language: an angry Finn can use in one swearword what would be for anyone else a year's worth of tongue rolling. The poor children that don't get it right in a very young age are going to be bullied for it for the rest of their lives, and that's why special education teachers all over the country torture kids by making them learn phrases like "Ärrän kierrän orren ympäri" (=I'm wrapping the r around a roost) and read books like "Ronja, Ryövärintytär" (=Ronia the Robber's Daughter).

Finnish Grammar[edit]

The fact that Finland has a language of its own leads most linguists to assume that it also has an accompanying grammar. However, due to the telepathic nature of communication in Finland, no linguist has yet to discover exactly what it is. Finnish has an uncunning way of putting a whole sentence into one word "tehdäkseen" (= he did it in order to do so). How can there be any talk about grammar! There are clues to the grammar related to subtle head movements, and movements or legs and arms, similar to the dolphin body language.

  • A little-known fact: most Finnish sentences can be used as Microsoft product activation codes.

"Finnish is easy. All you do is tape-record English and then play it backwards." (quote from somewhere in Berlitz Language School)

"Finnish is what happens when a stutterer speaking Japanese gets drunk." (quote from a professor somewhere in Ohio)

"If someone kidnapped you from Hokkaido, put a blonde wig on you, and stuck you between Sweden and Russia for a few millenia, wouldn't you be a little weird, too?" (quote from a drunken professor somewhere in Ohio)

"Learning Finnish grammar is even more impossible than learning how to play Duel Monsters" (quote from a random Finnish geek)

"Finnish is is fish and kish language put together, or at least that's what it sounds like..." (A wannabe Albert Einstien fail)

The language itself is like the Finns themselves - it has nothing to do with Russia or Sweden, despite their proximity. Finnish, I think, was invented by an ancient king who commanded the people in his dominion to speak like him upon the penalty of death. The monarch's name I shall give as Toivo I, or Toivo the Stutterer. It was Toivo's lingual philosophy that 'why use one letter when two or three would do.'

Take the word for cigarette lighter. It is savukkeensytytin, which is the reason why so many Finns carry matches. There is a shorter version for savukkeensytytin, which is "sytkäri", but that just sounds fucking retarded.

When the Finns start a word they see how many foreigners they can weed out on the first syllable. Take the Finnish word for "98". The first three letters are "yhd". That eliminates a lot of competition right there. For the full Finnish word for "98" I would advise you fasten your seat belts and put on your crash helmet. Here it goes - "yhdeksänkymmentäkahdeksan". According to Berlitz, that is pronounced simply: "EWHdayksaenKEWMmayntaeKAHdecksaan". Finns have died of old age trying to count to 100. Also, the Finnish Broadcasting Company (Yle) has given up on showing any sports-related material for fear of encountering sentences such as "Hän jäi kisassa kahdenneksikymmenenneksiyhdeksänneksi", simply meaning "He came in 29th".

Part of the problem with the Finnish language is that Finns don't mess around with little bitsy words at all. If they are going to use the word "the" or "a" or "by" they just stick it onto a nearby word as an ending. Seriously, look at the Finnish version of this page, the word have like fifty letters and and are barely pronounceable. Take the word "Juoksentelisimmekohan?" for example. It translates to "Should we run a little bit without any meaningful destination?" That's one of the reasons why films made by Aki Kaurismäki have just a few lines.

And don't think you are going to get away with not pronouncing every letter, either. Nothing is wasted in Finnish. Sometimes, when they use a couple or three vowels in a row, they'll put two little dots over the tops of some of them just to break the monotony. Those little dots mean something. In the word "pencil sharpener", which is spelled "kynänteroitin", they put two little dots over the "a" and that means it is pronounced like an "a" and an "e" slopped together. It also means that you are going to find a lot of dull pencils in Finland. It is the only language I know of where phonetic spelling is more complicated than regular spelling. To say "pencil sharpener" in Finnish, for example, you should start with a bottle of good Finnish beer. Take a deep breath, roll back your eyes and say:

KEWnae (run the "a" and "e" together now, remember?) nTAYR (stop here and have a sip of beer) roa (then comes a very, very small "i" that fools a lot of people, but, without it the word means "spinach" or something entirely ddifferent from "pencil sharpener") ttin (more beer, please).

Okay, all together now:


There now, wasn't that easy? Where's the bottle opener?

During a recent visit of Finland I never saw a crossword puzzle. The papers weren't large enough to cover both horizontal and vertical I guess.

The word for "no" is "ei", which means yes in English, and the word "terve" means hello or goodbye (or even a healthy person) depending on what direction you're going, or on the occation "healthy", possibly referring to the speaker self, or the one spoken to.

Now the word for "yes" is simple. It is "kyllä". The trouble is, nobody uses it. They all say "joo" or "juu" or "yo", which naturally, is not Finnish at all, but is Swedish. To say "yes, yes" they all say "joo-joo" (pronounced something like "yo-yo"). The finnish word for "yo-yo" is actually "jojo" and jo means already. Makes sense, right?

Finnish is also very weird from the way the things are written and how the same things are said. For exampy the prase "Sorry, I didn't hear correctly what you said, please repeat that?" is spelled "Anteeksi, en oikein kuullut mitä sanoitte. Olkaa kiltti ja toistakaa." and pronounced as "hä?" or "mitäh?" or "vittu puhu suomee!".

Finnish is related to Hungarian by a previous marriage. That's why the second language of Finland is, of course, Swedish. Everyone speaks English or atleast Finglish, however, so don't worry if you ever go there.

Furthermore the Finnish language has this following lovely story about their midsummer:

-Kokko, kokoo kokoon koko kokko!------Kokko, gather the whole bonfire together!

-Koko kokkoko?------------------------The whole bonfire?

-Koko kokko.--------------------------The whole bonfire.

Kokooko Kokko kokoon koko kokon!?-----Will Kokko gather up the whole bonfire!?

Kokko kokoo kokoon koko kokon.--------Kokko will gather the whole bonfire

Which they claim to make sense.

It is well known, that the finns have always had a beautiful language compared to others (in this case, swedish and english): Finnish: Saari, saari, heinäsaari. Heinäsaaren kaunis neito. Swedish: Ö, ö, höö, ö, Bajs, hööns sköna mö. (about) English: Island, island, hay island. The beautiful maid of the hay island. (quite long...)

VITTU TRACK! - This phrase is typically used as a power-off signal during a slot car race if a car has fallen off from the lane and is unmarshallable.