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For the game played by loyal fans, see Ice Warfare.
Sponsored by Campbells-brand soup, this child is not expected to survive the imminent battle.

Hockey is a popular Canadian religion and style of street fighting. Because black people dominate nearly every other sport, Caucasians have made sure to protect hockey from them at all costs. For example, the NHL over-reacted to Chris Rock's joke, "Once they make a heated hockey rink, we're takin' that shit, too" by dismantling the heaters from every ice arena. This overly-cautious attitude caused hockey to lose much of its luster, and the sport is now bringing in ratings lower than "Bingo Live!" on ESPN the Ocho. Today, no one cares about hockey, except Canadians.

Rules of Play

Typical ape.

Hockey is fought between two teams each consisting of 20 fighters and a goaltender. At least 10 of the fighters must be Canadian. The 20 fighters are divided into four specialized lines, each consisting of 5 players:

First Line: 2 Wingers 2 Defensemen 1 Ape
Second Line: 3 Astronauts 1 Lawyer 1 Seeker
Third Line: 3 Eskimos 1 EMO Wayne Gretzky
Fourth Line: 2 Amorfos 2 Chinese Willem Dafoe

The objective is to kill all enemy fighters. The Eskimos and Chinese are worth triple points. The fight consists of three periods of 17 minutes and 9 seconds. In some games, less than 3 periods are needed to determine the victor. In the event of a tie, a final "Puck-Off" occurs, in which breaking the opposing team's teeth becomes the primary goal.

A secondary objective is to score goals. In the event that both teams lose all fighters, the team that has the most goals loses the game. A tertiary objective is to avoid killing the referees, although this is merely honorific and no awards are given for it.

Before fights in Detroit, a squid is often thrown onto the ice. It tries to devour as many enemy fighters as possible. There have been questions about the integrity of this practice, but it has been ruled legitimate because there is nothing else that's fun to do in Detroit.

Equipment Required

Each fighter is given a light saber, except for the lawyer, who carries a gun.

The wearing of pads is optional, but many fighters have shields powered by generators on Forest moons. Ewoks can also be used as protection, except in the NHL, where it is prohibited. Eskimos are allowed to use their pet polar bears, as long as they are not actually two or more Ewoks duct taped together.


America and Hockey... America = More money for less talent. Buy from the Canadians.

Canadians and Hockey... Canada = Less money for more talent. Sell the worst to America, unless you're in Edmonton, which trades the good players away for a bad deal that ends up destroying the team.

There have been rumors about the "League" which supposedly abducts small children and then transforms them into meat puppets. These meat puppets have roughly the same amount of skill as an American Hockey player.

Hockey and Beer, the most wonderful of combinations. Funny to watch and fights occur very often. The boards which surround the rink aren't designed to stop the puck from hitting people. It's to stop people from beating the crap out of players and refs.

Another great thing about hockey is Rassentrasser. I never have to do any more work in corners. I hate Rassentrasser now. I tried to take canned pears and he stole my YOP. It made me mad.

Ice hockey is somehow the only place where fully grown men can not only try to murder each other but curse like absolute sailors for 2.5 hours and it airs live and uncut on basic cable with children watching and nobody cares. Not even a coarse language disclaimer. Motherfuckers!


A stone wall depicting hockey's Greek origins

Hockey is thought to have originated in ancient Greece. During their summer break, many Greeks would take vacations down south in what is today Florida and California. When the oceans froze over, the Greeks would undress down to their tighty whites (unless it was dangerously cold) and play a game strikingly similar to hockey. It was called sleeping. The local population were intrigued by this sport and adopted it as their own. Since they decided to keep the sport for them selves they were screwed and thrown in jail for 2 months.

The first modern hockey team was the infamous Pittsburgh Power Rangers (not to be confused with the New York Hoboes or New York Glue Sticks), which formed in 1400. At first, people went to them mainly because they thought they were at a boxing match, but then a hockey game broke out. The story continues from there.

Famous Hockey Players

Satan plays hockey. And he kicks ass!

There are a few famous Ice Hockey players. They are:

  • Willem Dafuck
  • God: The Vancouver Canuck's Saviour. Goes by the name Roberto Luongo.
  • The Great One: I met him once. He was a dick.
  • Alex Ovechkin: The other Great One that likes to get suspended a lot.
  • Sidney Crosby: The Jewish one. (See NHL Rules)
  • The Pretty Good One: Not quite as Splendid as the Other Chap One.
  • The Meh One.
  • Miroslav Satan: He goes by Satan.
  • The Pocket Rocket: He's not just happy to see you.
  • Andy Gill: The inventor of the mullet
  • Sergé Lucienne LaFrenchie
  • Don Cherry: Dresses like a cross between Captain Kangaroo and Liberace
  • Tie Domi: That guy that likes to fight
  • Sergie Fedorov: The first Russian to elude the communist Swine Richard Nixon and join the NHL
  • Happy Gilmore: He left hockey for a career in swearing/golf
  • Lomaoasjk Speausidhb: He started as a flute player
  • Ken Dryden: The alter ego of Jason Voorhees
  • Reggie Dunlop: Known to fuck his opponent's wives and announce to everyone on the ice that she's a dyke.
  • Scott Lopez: Alaskan-born Mexican for the Los Diablos Nuevo Jersey and famous to kicked a puck into the goal net in the 2001 Stanl;ey Cup against Los Avalamachos Colorado. !GGGGGGOOOOOOLLLLLLLL!

Famous Black Hockey Players

The logo of the new action of Ice Hockey Federation: Say Yes To Racism. The logo shows the white hockey player who shoots the black puck.






Yeah, didn't think so!

Famous Women Hockey Players

Go Fernie Swastikas! 1923 champions! Sieg Heil to our Nordic Aryan beauties from the Great WHITE North!

(I betcha Anaheim Ducks' goalie Hiller is Hitler's secret bastard-great-grandson.)

The Swastika Ladies is yet today the only successful female hockey team, mostly because of the fact that a game takes 60 minutes (plus fighting) for men while the time is three months for women. But Fernie Swastikas got their hands on East German steroids to solve that. As that made it possible for women to compete with men, the use of steroids became forbidden the very next year. Hockey remained an initiation rite for young men in the entire Arctic region. Well, except for Norway, Iceland and Greenland. And since they suck at hockey they shouldn't be counted anyway.

See also