UnNews:Gatorade source contaminated, US economy collapses, Brits follow suit
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 December 2009
ORLANDO, Florida -- The secret source of popular sports drink Gatorade was condemned as contaminated today by the Florida Department of Public Health. The entire economy of Florida disintegrated immediately because all of the states income is directly related to the production and distribution of Gatorade.
Gatorade is the official sports drink of the National Football League, Major League Baseball, National Basketball Association, Women's National Basketball Association, USA Basketball, National Hockey League, Association of Volleyball Professionals, US Soccer Federation, Major League Soccer, and many other pro and collegiate organizations, providing supplies of the drinks to the teams in all flavors available. Gatorade extended their market to the U.K. in 2008 and promoted this in part by becoming the sports drink provider for Chelsea F.C..
Players for all of these organizations, and countless others, have officially ceased play until the question of supply is resolved. There are reported to be millions of cases stored at Fort Knox, Kentucky, and other strategic locations, but the Federal Government has yet to comment on this.
The beer, liquor, and snacks industries have taken a huge hit as well, since sports fans account for more than 90% of their sales across the board. A run on all of these products has caused a run on medical supplies to treat shoppers who mercilessly beat one another to get that last six pack, or box of pretzels. Empty store shelves caused a run on hospital emergency rooms, causing a massive choke point in the countrys medical delivery system.
Depression has become so common, that unaffected manufacturing staff cannot be found to make more anti-depressants. As a result, a majority of Americans have given up working, since the whole point of earning a paycheck every week has been swept out from under them.
As of this morning, there are massive power outages, a lack of clean water and the cities are burning across the United States. State police and National Guard units are powerless in the face of the devastating force that is, the lack of Gatorade. Canada is crumbling as well as Mexico, and most of Central and South America shows signs of collapse.
Across the Atlantic, famed Premier soccer team Chelsea F.C. has also fallen apart, with an accompanying loss of both Gatorade, and income from Gatorade sponsorships. With no other decent soccer teams in Europe or the UK worth watching, the British economy is just behind the Americas.
In related news, the fledgling Brawndo corporation have experienced a gain in their market shares, as their new energy-drink product, I Can't Believe It's Not Contaminated!, is now the de facto sports drink of the Western world. In a press conference held just minutes after the announcement from Gatorade, representative Mike Judge declared, "Brawndo has slain the giant! It's got what folks crave -- it's got electrolytes!"
There is no word yet from the FDA on what exactly electrolytes do.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Rita Snogerel "World economy on brink of collapse, again" MSNBC, December 27, 2009