Food pyramid
“We’re smart. You’re not. We know what’s good for you so STFU and just obey the pyramid.”
The food pyramid is a hypothetical dietary paradigm in nutrition, promulgated by godless evolutionists and the United States Foodstuff and Druggist Administration.
Historical background[edit | edit source]
Way back in 1944, while working on the Manhattan Project, noted physicist and part-time busboy Tits McGee tried to apply group theory and the brand-spanking-new laws of quantum cheddardynamics to the strange science of nutrition. His proposed theory would soon set the standard for which all people's diets should be composed. Before its invention, people typically ate whatever they pleased, including horse manure, cow tongue, and all sorts of other weird shit you wouldn't normally eat. In 1955 Tits McGee received the Nobel Prize for Diet Cleansing and was nominated "The Man of the Year". Unfortunately, Tits McGee died the very next day from a massive heart attack – brought on by healthful [sic] food. This led many to question whether his pyramid was in fact a good idea. By the next year, however, nobody seemed to give a shit about what they should be eating and everybody had chosen to ignore this idiotic contraption. (Oh shut up, you ignore it too.)
Historical foreground[edit | edit source]
After years of much head scratching and soul searching, not to mention therapeutic wanking and high-energy cooking experiments, the physics community finally settled on a highly abstract seventeen-dimensional pyramidal structure that successfully incorporates all known foods and condiments. As an unexpected bonus, the super-symmetric model has also predicted an additional 131,072 previously unknown resonances of pasta, of which at least a few should be reproducible in today's largest and most expensive Italian restaurants.
Historical high-ground[edit | edit source]
By April 2005 the Bush Administration had syphoned enough funds from NASA, AIG, DHS, the CIA, the FDIC, the DEA, the FBI, and Laura's petty cash drawer to print billions and billions of multicoloured stickers depicting a dumbed-down pyramid with an emaciated male stick figure humping it. By federal law, the stickers are now on all packages of food and food byproducts, along with a generalised disclaimer that the Theory of Nutrition is just a theory, not to be misconstrued as established fact.