Superpenis

A Superpenis is an all-purpose melee weapon which additionally has the purported ability to modify a given person's sexual orientation. The phallus-shaped weapon, about two and a half feet in length, has been described as "extremely similar to a baseball bat", and when used as such is about as effective as a wooden bat. It was manufactured for a short period of time during the late 1910s in French Congo, making it a rarity nowadays. Its sexual orientation-manipulating factor, however, was only discovered much more recently, during the 1970s.

Depiction of a Superpenis made out of hardwood.

History

During the first half of the 20^th century, much of Africa was underdeveloped, efforts at improvement being hampered by colonial forces; this included French Congo, nowadays known as the Republic of the Congo. In 1915, as the French were being distracted by World War I, a group of Congolese rebels sought to create a weapon that would enable them to eventually overthrow the French colonial government; however, a sheer lack of access to resources meant that they could not engage in traditional warfare. As such, the idea of the Superpenis (French: Grand phallus) was born; the premise is that the disturbing shape of the weapon would distract soldiers for long enough so that they could be bludgeoned easily.

The first Superpenis was manufactured in or near Kinshasa in 1917, and about 100,000 copies of said weapon were created. These were used during a few instances; they were only moderately effective, only shining in surprise attacks and being significantly outclassed by most guns. Many of the French troops who were attacked but subsequently survived described the weapon as "unique" and "weirdly effective"; however, the simple presence of a helmet was sufficient to counteract the Superpenis. After the French colonial government ordered helmets for the entirety of its colonial forces, the weapons became practically useless and ceased to be used; rebel troops would eventually get their hands on proper weapons.

Psychological effects

The psychological effects of the Superpenis were left undiscovered until the early 1970s. The initial discovery of these effects were made in 1971 by Dr. Clarisse Rowe; a psychiatrist, she was bewildered at the huge number of gay men visiting her office. It just so happened that a Superpenis was placed as decoration in her office; initially, no suspicion was aroused, but after one of her patients asked to look at the Superpenis more closely, she started having some doubts. After said Superpenis was moved to a coworker's office, that coworker, a social worker, discovered that his patients were "turning gay" too. This effect seemed extremely novel, and as such, further investigations were made in order to determine whether the Superpenis was responsible for that; it turned out that it was.

Scientists were bewildered at how an object could modify someone's sexual orientation; it was just around this time that the efficacy of conversion therapy was put into question. Extensive investigation of the Superpenis concluded that the specific shape of said object, which included a golden ratio-compliant glans penis, was what induced said effect.

Later scientific research concluded that some of the psychological effects of the Superpenis include:

• Turning straight men gay
• Turning lesbian women bisexual, albeit only about half the time
• No effect on gay men
• No effect on straight women

The effect of the Superpenis on trans women, trans men and gender-diverse people remains unknown, owing to a sheer lack of research.

Legality

Soon after the psychological effects of the Superpenis were discovered, a moral panic amongst fundamentalist Christians occured. Many American states, notably ones in the Bible Belt (but also Hawaii for some reason), quickly passed laws attempting to outlaw possession and/or distribution of Superpenises and Superpenis-shaped objects; at its peak, 23 states outlawed possession, and 5 more states outlawed distribution. It took until 1999, with a lawsuit brought forward by the American Civil Liberties Union, for Superpenis-outlawing laws to be abolished.

From a worldwide perspective, the Superpenis is generally legal where-ever attitudes on homosexuality aren't bigoted. Possession of a Superpenis can result in capital punishment in some countries, including (but not limited to) Iran.