Dildo of Doom

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The Dildo of Doom is said to be the most super-duper Weapon of Mass Destruction ever to be invented. The names of the sayers who said so are withheld from the public so far due to state security reasons, but will soon be published in the memoire of an ex-chief of the CIA. From rather uncredible sources it is learned that, the government holds a real Dildo of Doom in its high-security Metropolis Military Sanctuary premises.

This is what the American government has been searching for around the world.
They have still come up with nothing.
Just think they would just have to ask their wives...

The DoD[edit | edit source]

The DoD

The Dildo of Doom is known to fiends and lovers as the DoD. Bumper stickers, t-shirts and celebrity posters bearing solgans - "I Love DoD", "All hail DoD", "Give me my DoD", or "Can you feel the DoD?" - have become instant rage in pupular subcultures like spacemania, jedifilia, sithmancy and sex.

The DoD has featured in numerous TV serials since early 20th century. The most notable include - the DoD as one of the Friends (where the DoD got involved with both Chandler and Phoebe, had a child born to each), as the Goldfinger in The Gold and the Plentiful, as the killer of JR Eweing in Dallas, as the Dong in Mork and Mindy, the principal tool for toolgirl Lisa in Home Improvement, and much much more. The DoD had its first big screen breakthrough in 2002, when it was featured as the protagonist in Rape of Baghdad, (written Condoleeza Rice, Directed by George W. Bush, Edited by General Colin Powell, Music by Kofi Anan).

Note:This particular DoD is not to be confued with other DoDs/DODs available - Duke of Dildo, Dante on Divine-comedy, Dude of Denver, Descartes on Dodo-extinction, Dilbert of Damascus, Darwin on Deep-throat, Diffusive Opthalmological Dentistry, or the Doom of Discos.

Weapon Details[edit | edit source]

The dildo may look fun, but when it's started up it's a bloody pain.

The Sabre: Usually blue, green or red, this part of the DoD is the most noticeable and makes it easy to distinguish from other weapons. Originally modelled after the shape of a penis, its sabre is a SDI object that rotates around the Y axis [1] at an incredibly high speed, giving it a neon glow at extreme tempratures. This makes the dildo able to slice through almost anything, including puppies, pussies and most types of bathroom ceramic.

A group of experts from the underground weapons research center at the lovely island of Trinidad claims that the sabre is a direct spin-off from an ancient Spanish talishman, of the same name, to preserve male virility. Other experts, led by Dr. Lindsay Lohan (better known as Saint Lohan) claim that it is actually a clone of the original cross.

Do not confuse with:
*Light Saber
*Saber-Tooth Cat
*Magic wand
*Sword of Truth or The Master Sword

The Handle: The handle of the DoD is metallic and features a comfy hand grip to reduce discomfort while wielding the weapon. Imbued with Kryptonite[2], the handle is heat and Superman resistant, and adhesive to the user and/or Wonder Woman to prevent accidents and/or generate friction. When manhandled, the handle is susceptible to squirt about 15 litres of some sickly yellow colored gooey stuff primarily identified as Neptunian elephant saliva.

DoD handles has given rise to the famous street saying - "Handle with Care" - implying the destructive force of the handle when in wrong hands. Later, the saying was adopted by Oxfam to humiliate its primary enemy C.A.R.E in the now defunct advertising campaign - Handlers of Doom.

Do not confuse with:
*Glue or Gluon
*Kung Fu
*The Punisher

The Secret Weapon: The most powerful and secret part of the DoD is the NWO featured hologram. This is activated by a large red button on the bottom of the handle. When pressed, a large hologram of Tom Cruise will appear from the end of the DoD, vaporising neary enemies with its powerful phaser and confusing technology. This part of the dildo makes it a very versatile weapon and quite dangerous in the hands of a master.

There has been numerous attempts at replacing the Tom Cruise hologram with holograms of George W. Bush, Jenna Jameson, Yoda, Jesus Christ, and You Know Who. But, the DoD has shown amazing resistance to all such changes. The attempt that got closest to success had the Jena Jameson hologram bursting into a song about cows in the sky and the resulting rain of bovine piss.

Do not confuse with:
*Victoria's Secret
*Secret Nazi Forests
*Your Dad, Your mom, Your sister or Your Problem
*Santa Claus

Secret Origin[edit | edit source]

Darth Vader making a show of his Dildo of Doom (to his right). The woman on his left is Wonder Woman back from a trip to Hawaii and is not a Dildo of Doom.

There are a few theories cooked up by sick brains in employment of Her Majesty the Queen of England:

Iraqistan Theory: There were reports that dildos were discovered in Iraqistan... or, may be Iraq... err, could be Iran... well, certainly not Pakistan... whatever. The dildos were never found, so-damn-it, but since two dis-dildoed plastic balls were found near the Great Ping Pong Hall of Baghdad, the suspicion remains.

Alien Theory: A couple of leading alienologists claim that the first aliens to the third rock 'n roll from the sun landed in a dildo somewhere near Rosewell, New Mexico. They also claim that those aliens are still captivated at the White House, and if investigators picked up the famous blue dress, instead of just sniffing and fondling it, they would have evidence of their existence.

Africa Theory: A group enterprising young and upwardly mobile Japanese anthropologists claim that the Dildo of Doom existed in a primitive form in Africa since early stone age. They have put forward a bucket-load of ostrich dung, a torn t-shirt with I Love Pamela Anderson printed on the chest and a few riff-raff they bought in Dubai.

Mayan Theory: There is a debate between South American Archologists that the orgins of the Dildo of Doom can be traced back to ancient Mayan religion where it was worshipped as the Destroyer(considered to be Shiva's red-headed stepchild, who was beat often).

Holy Grail Theory: The Dead or Alive Scrolls seem to contain some evidence that the Dildo of Doom may be a descendant of the Holy Grail, borne out of its union with a crusading cow. The Vatican and the Justice League of America described that evidence as complete hoax, but the Church of the Subgenius has found its reference in the Gospel of Mountain Dew - "Behold the Dildo of Doom, for it awaits you at the end of the Holy Grail."

Secret Society[edit | edit source]

The only available photograph of Spiderman, the Vulcan leader of Kittenazis without his mask.

According to a CIA report, the Ancient Society of Kittenazis have orgnzied secret organizations around to world to create, maintain, and use dildos of doom. One unconfirmed and unnamed source claims that, members of the aforementioned secret society have been seen using the terrible weapon against unsuspecting pussies in Nigeria, Bangladesh, Jamaica, Bulgaria and Argentina. Also, reports on pussy huffing in outer planets like Tatooine, Mars, Krypton and Vulcan has been reaching earth for quite sometime now.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Y-Axis: The evil axis of anti-democratic forces in WWII, later rechristened as the Coaxial
  2. Kryptonite: A variety of chrystalized marijuana, also use in case of throat infection, nose cleaning and world domination

See Also[edit | edit source]