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~ Quiznos Man on 7-Up

“4-Up didn't really make it. 5-Up was getting somewhere. 6-Up really felt promising, but then I sold the recipe”

~ Thomas Edison on 7-Up

“I absolutely love it, you know. I drink it. I rub it on my base, and on my cap. And i'm absolutely full of it”

~ Sprite on 7-Up

7-Up or oZup is an adaptive existence endemic in a variety of situations. The cosmic significance of 7-Up is determined by the quantam uncertainties of universal relativity, often Summarized by the simple value statement - "What's up doc" - by Bugs Bunny and other denizens of the Sumerian civilization. Some of the major incarnations of 7-Up in the current and past cycles of existence are:

  • ...a mysterious drug extracted from Penguin bladders, which is a major reason for Penguin over-hunting and their courtship with extinction.
  • ...an address in downtown Amsterdam, allegedly used by kitten huffers to develop plans to take over the world.
  • ...a car-plate number owned by the Pope. The Holy 7-Up (as it is known to papal vassals) was almost huffed-out in a Jerusalem bombing, but no one has claimed the credit yet.
  • ...a fizzy drink cultivated from the Pepsi Tree in Madagascar. Two world wars were fought in the 1910s and 1940s over the control of Pepsi Plantations in Madagascar.
  • ...an Oscar nominated 1998 film based on Shakespeare's King Lear, which had been THE hit at Cannes, Santiago, Kathmandu and Yamaguchi earlier in the same year.
  • One more than 6-up

7-Up the Dope[edit | edit source]

Chemical Attributes
  • Color - Blind
  • Odor - 911 (blip)
  • Taste - Who dares wins
  • Flamability - High
  • Radioactivity - Higher
  • Sedation - Highest
  • Acidity - To taste
  • Basicity - To taste
  • Viscosity - 1 tablespoon
  • Freezing Point - Always
  • Boiling Point - The brain
  • Hazard - You name it
Chemical Composition
The advertisement for 7-Up the Dope that put Coca-Cola, the famous cocaine peddling cartel out of business.
Penguin delegates to the UN in protest against harassment.

Penguins are a tribe of people, living in the harsh conditions of the Antarctic, and adopted to the climate of the region (though highly debated what the climate actually is, consensus about it being cold has been reached). As an extreme form of biological adaptation, they have grown webbed feet, beaked mouth, a quaking language much similar to English spoken by a Redneck, and a vicious chemical in their bladder. The chemical keeps them warm, but it also keeps them slightly dazed (which is why they pretend either to be land-dwelling fish or walking dildos) and highly horny. An average penguin makes love about 49 times a day, which puts them one place behind warrior ants and one place above New Yorkers on the list.

This very bladder-borne chemicals have become a curse for the Penguin people. Sometime during the Gulf War an anonymous Argentine camel-herder discovered that this chemical can easily be extracted from their bladder and used for narcotic purposes. This knowledge was immediately put to work by Mexican Communist guerillas, who sold the idea to Al-Qaida. They in turn used it to finance their global movement to establish the rights of kitten huffing. It is estimated that nearly 50,000 Penguins were killed, maimed or imprisoned to acquire 30 tonnes of the chemical during this period.

The exploits of Al-Qaida soon came to knowledge of the Velvet Underground due to a sad betrayal by Judas, a minor police officer assigned to Afghanistan borders. His betrayal sparked of the era of wholesale hunting of the Penguin people. Unofficial sources claim that, in 2004 alone Japanese whale-hunters looking for an alternative profession killed or sodomized about 3 miilion hapless Penguins. Captain Ahab, a leading whale merchant from Yamaguchi is reported to have 16 entire Penguin villages huffed out in a span of 15.4 minutes. Hopes are high that they will be extinct before this decade is over.

7-Up the Address[edit | edit source]

Flat Interior
  • Size - Matters
  • Bedrooms - Please, stay out of'em
  • Bathrooms - Powerfully aromatic
  • Windows - XP
  • Doors - Died with the Jim
  • Kitchen - Tasteless
  • Heating - Is on now
Leader of the KitteNazis jump out of flat no. 7-Up to save himself from police bombing.

Sowing the Seeds: In 1958, a group of deadly and dedicated kitten huffers came together in an Amsterdam flat, quite ugly to look at... the flat, not the huffers, you moron. Under the dynamic leadership of Spiderman they came from Siberia, Sodom and Wakistan to end their miserable lives... emphasis on miserable, not lives, you dummy. They decided - they needed a world where kitten huffing was legal and appreciated, where it was possible to win a Nobel or an Oscar for kitten huffing, and where kitten huffing was studied at secondary school.

Growing the Deeds: Since they could not get their agenda through the people who rule the world, namely Darth Vader, Elvis Presley and Batman, they decided to recourse to violence. Thus the Secret Society of KitteNazis was formed at that flat. For more than two decade the KitteNazis kept huffing kitten in and around Amsterdam, sometimes venturing as far as the darkside. The address, once noted for its proximity to the moon, and later apprecited for its thick stench of pot-smoke, grew in reputation. By the end of 1972, 7-Up the Address was nominated to become a national monument for at least 18 countries, including Australia, Denmark and Hong Kong, as well as three disputed regions, including Tatooine.

Blowing the Reeds: Their existence, identity and whereabout was finally revealed by The Ghost of Elvis in 1979. Immediately a fleet of inflatable police bombers were sent and the address was destroyed, but fortunately those filthy scumbags never found the leader, Spiderman, who still remains with us in his glorious anonymity. From behind the Iron Curtain he even manipulated complete reconstruction of the address, including the dirt, grime and high level of criminal activities. And, the KitteNazis are still active under a new name - Justice League of America. All hail the Spiderman, leader of the Kitten Huffers.

7-Up the Car Plate[edit | edit source]

Car Review
  • Power - Godly
  • Speed - Only God knows
  • Accelaration - see above
  • Endurance - Eternity
  • Make - Genesis
  • Safety - Suffering is penance
  • Drive - Towards hereafter

God created Man[1] in his likliness.
And, Man created Car in his likliness.

Pope Innocent XXVIII riding the Holy 7-Up, 18 seconds before the huffing attempt.

“Detroit created the Car on the seventh day.”

The ancient mark of holiness for the incumbent Pope had primarily been the famous car dubbed as the Holy 7-Up. A gift from roman emperor Marcus Aurelius (161-180) to the Catholic church, the car traditionally sported the number 7-Up to indicate holiness. 7 being the number of heavens and a holy number in itself, and Up indicating the position of Catholic noses towards other churches.

The car is said to be herbinger of peace on earth. It was driven on the sands of Syria to end the Crusades, and the streets of Berlin to end the World War II. For a brief period Napoleon Bonaparte, a filthy French master of genocide who dellusionally called himself an emperor, captured the car. He rechristened it 9-Down, indicatingthe number of shags he had one night in downtown Paris after a stupendous Absynthe binge. His plans to hand the car over to the Illuminati for experimentation was thwarted by valiant Church of Oprah acolyte Albert Camus, and it was in time returned to Vatican.

The car was nearly huffed-out in a Jerusalem bombing, which was presumably directed at local kitten. A sudden outburst of the incumbent Pope Innocent XXVIII that jerked the car 18 centimeters away from the epicenter saved both the carand the Pope. Though no one claimed credit for the bombing, FBI believes it was the working of KitteNazis (see above).

7-Up the Film[edit | edit source]

Briana Banks as Siph in a still from the 1998 film 7-Up, Bruce Springsteen is out of shot, just.
Plotline (spoiler)

The film revolves around one spooler and
is spun into another spooler. At the
center of the film there is a hub attached
to a motor. The film shines against a harsh
light and is cast against a focused lense.
It is projected that the film will fall on
a white screen 50 meters away.

Cast of the Film
Music from the Film

119 minutes of bullfrog croaking and
camel humping noises inspired by the
785th Symphony in legally minor by WLCP[2]

Of Birds, Bees, Kings and Daughters: Juan King (Bruce Willis), head of a successful crime syndicate in downtown Texas, has a booming business in military contracts, three insiders to keep the Iraq war going, one Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a pet, plenty of oil-heads, an authentic lace-panty used by Marilyn Monroe, and three nubile daughters, played by Jenna Jameson, Bruce Springsteen and Briana Banks are set to take over the family business. King, in a test of his daughters asked for a show of "whatever them birds and them bees are famous for".

France, the Beta Version: Both Siph and Gonorhea shows excellence in multiple positions,[3] while Princess declined. She is banished, and forced to live in the darkside, which was later renamed as France to increase user-friendliness. By the time the film was released, three more versions of the darkside were already available in the market - France 2.1, France XP, and California.

Misfortune without French Intervention: Siph and Gonorhea take over the running of the business and burnish... err, furnish... I mean, turnish... oh, I got it, banish their father, who wanders aimlessly talking to rodents like Osama bin Laden, Mickey Mouse and Howard Stern. Meanwhile, in France Princess assembles an army to invade Texas.

Siph and Gonorhea argue, and Gonorhea is bitten by an extra-terrestreal manufactured in Hollywood, CA. Siph is in an heart attack when she takes alook at the bills sent by the studio.

A Speech to End All Speeches: Princess watches the retreating French Army (an event that has been witnessed every time France went to war), and begins the famous "I have a dream" speech, eventually going on to say - "We have nothing to Lear, but Lear itself" - followed by - "Frogs will always be frogs." Well, then the rest are gunned down by Triads from LA. The End

7-Up Haikus[edit | edit source]

The myth of 7-Up mystery is best captivated in the 7th century Haikus written by Her Kinkiness the Empress of Japan Yoko Ono, which are inserted at the bottom of this article:

The name[edit | edit source]

The name "7-Up" originated from the saying "f**k up" which of course Gordon Brown invented. Gordon Brown had actually f**ked up 7 times, and this 7-Up. Not everyone believes this, especially David Cameron. Other reasons for the name might be

  • The seven people who raised from the graves and hunted down infidels with Sprite
  • The seven people which died when the first can was made "7-Down". To make it sell better to kiddies, they made it "7-Up".
  • The seven up. Simple don't you think
  • A myth it has something to do with J20.

Seven is a wonder
Going up and down
Without end.


There it goes
Upwards to seven
But I don't.


You come up
I become seven
Like heaven.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. Available in China at the price of dozen a dime.
  2. Available on EPIC Records at six pence a dozen.
  3. Available through eBay in DVD, compiled under the title: 3-Some 7-Down

See also[edit | edit source]