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Waiter, there's a 20 Gallon Bag Full of Dildos in my Soup

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What if I was allergic to latex? Did you even stop to think about that?

Oh dear me! Um, excuse me? Waiter? Waiter? Sir, this soup is delicious and all... Just fantastic. Wonderful. Best soup I've had in ages, really. It's just that there's a tiny, tiny problem.

It appears there is a 20 Gallon Bag filled with assorted dildos just sitting inside my soup.

Didn't you order the Soup with Dildos?

What kind of question is that? Of course I didn't order the soup with dildos. Why would anyone order a soup with dildos?

Really? That popular? Well I don't care how trendy it is with your other patrons. It's not what I ordered.

In fact, if I look at the menu, I see not one dildo option at all. [1]

Are you just trying to get your bill comped with this complaint?

What on earth is even happening here? What kind of bizarre establishment is this?

Do you honestly mean to tell me that people just come here, order soup with entire bags of dildos, and that's a normal thing?

Do you mean to insult our famous Chef?

He'd have to be insane to put dildos in a soup. You're saying there's a reason the soup tastes as good as it does?

Look, the soup is amazing, I'm not going to argue with you there, it does have an almost nutty asparagus taste to it, but a giant bag of dildos just sitting in the soup has nothing to do with it, I can assure you of that, please just take the soup back. [2]

People would kill their firstborn to get a table at this place and try the soup!

What's that supposed to mean? Look, I get this is a three Michelin star restaurant and you guys have a reputation to uphold, but the chef should have considered that when he went and put an entire bag of dildos in my soup.

What could he possibly have been thinking?

Would you prefer a soup with dildo's in it that have been cleaned?

You mean these dildos weren't even washed? I cannot imagine how many godawful fermented fluids and matter must have been on them. I don't care if it gives extra flavour.

We cannot accommodate your nitpicky needs

Okay, so I just saw you deliver that customer the exact same soup only without the dildos. What is the big idea here?

Did she order the dildoless soup? Yeah you better check.

She ordered the but-plug soup. But-plugs are heavier so they sank to the bottom.

The perfect garnish

A used one?


W-why didn't I get a used Buttplug in my soup? You may have suggested that, it actually sounds very appetising!

Coming right up, shall we get the bus boy to piss in the soup first?

Well that depends, does he have a crusty Prince Albert in his schlong?

You want what sir?

I think you heard me. I want soup with three buttplugs. I don't care if that's never been done before. What's the problem?

With all due respect, you cannot handle three butplugs sir

How dare you! Never in all my years of eating at random 3 Michelin star restaurants have I seen such condescending snobbery. I would expect that at Chez Mépris, but not in a place that prides itself on bashfulness. I have had it with your nerve and complete disregard for my own personal preferences.

The Chef is Coming Out to Personally Talk to You

Well Good. Maybe he SHOULD. He might school you in manners as well. A person knows their own sexual limits. No one should tell anyone else what they should do with their body. I'm just trying to enjoy a nice quiet meal at a nice restaurant before I go home to my naughty gerbil, who mind you, eat EVERYTHING.

I ...don't get opportunities like this very often, all it takes is one to get in my bag and Boom, restaurant ruined permanently. Do you know the last time I had a decent, sensual and risque meal?

Sir you should know the Chef is the renowned haute-cuisine Chef Boyardee ?

Oh my God! This Chef defined the nature of risque cuisine

Well, why didn't you SAY so? Boyardee? I grossly apologize for this. I'm a big fan, if I had known-

The plastic molecules in the dildos trigger a reaction in the soup that brings out the flavor.

You truly are a genius Mr Boyardee! Bravo. Then why just one! Why not three?

Do you question my judgment sir.

I wouldn't think of it. A chef of your distinction should never have to explain themselves or reveal the magic behind their food.

A person of your limited sex toy cuisine experience, should be starting with dildo soup anyways, not butplug fare

Oh you think so? Who am I to question your magnificense. Please do send another soup with a bag full of used dildos.

No sir, I think it is too early for that. You should start with a single bowl of clear broth, with one unused dildo

Oh. I see. Well now I feel so embarrassed. And a little dejected. Maybe I am too simple and inexperienced for this sort of restaurant.

We must all start somewhere sir. I am proud to pop your cullinary cherry, even if it is gently, with one single, small, unused dildo

A smoke and a quick nap afterwards

You are caring and kind. Hurry with it before I blow my trousers in expectation.

Will there be anything else sir now that you are finished?

No...just a cigarette and maybe I'll take a quick nap here on the table.

  1. I may have honestly ordered it with dildos, who fucking knows at this point. The waiter said something French sounding and I started wondering if he was French and before I knew it, I completely zoned out and I wasn't entirely sure what question of his I even agreed to. I think I would have heard him if he said dildo though...maybe.
  2. Sometimes I wonder where the word dildo came from. Like, it's such a bizarre word. It's not like there's an "el dildodo" in Spanish or something. It's like the word just came from nowhere.
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