Buttplug
 | This article smells funny... |
“Yeah, I knew a guy who used 'em. He says they're quite cool, but ya know he's actually a friggin' loser so I dunno. Fuck yeah, maybe I should try them out to see for myself??”
“Uhhh, huh huh. This article has 'butt' in it. Uhhh, huh huh huh...”
“It’s a pain in the ass.”
Buttplugs (Assplugium Domesticadium) are beings that inhabit the rectums of politicians, world leaders, lawyers, and many more shitbags.
Where Buttplugs Fit In The Animal Kingdom[edit | edit source]
The butt.
But other than that and despite their shy nature, buttplugs have an intelligence far beyond human capacity. And screw dolphins, those bastards aren't that smart, what with raping everything near them. However, what keeps them from taking over the world is their build. They are small, narrow beings, with flared bases, a feature which they evolved over time, after too many of them died after getting too far into the colons of their hosts. But, back on subject, this keeps them from destroying the world. However, they do influence human beings. By holding feces inside the hosts, they become very irritable and uptight, and go on to make life hell for those that have not been enlightened by buttplugs.
When a buttplug is born, it is almost clear, and must find an anus to plug within 12 hours, or it will die. However, if it makes it into an anus, it quickly settles and makes a nest. Within just six months, it physically matures. After enough time in the anus, it uses small amounts of feces to create a tough outer shell. This helps to fix the buttplug to the host, and make any removal a risky, and painful, proposition. It feeds off of, mostly, the undigested corn in the feces, but if it becomes desperate enough, it will eat other things.
Scientific calculations have shown that, if a one-year-old human becomes a host to a buttplug, doesn't have it removed, and lives to be ninety years old, the buttplug will only be 2% living tissue by the time the host dies, due to it's contstantly-growing outer shell.
Queens[edit | edit source]
A host has a one-in-a-thousand chance of having a queen buttplug. It doesn't behave much differently, although they take nutrients from the host's bloodstream, making them quite sickly. They often develop a flesh-like pink coloration, and their ribbed texture prevents them from being removed, even more than the standard variety.
Queens have no eyes or mouth, and are not self-aware, unlike the common buttplug. They exist simply for survival, and the title of queen is only due to their exotic appearance. In reality, they seem to be a step down from normal specimens.
Where Buttplugs Came From[edit | edit source]
Buttplugs are believed to have evolved from simple coral. Their consciousness, as with humans, is believed to have simply evolved over time, although their bizarre connection to anuses is quite baffling, indeed. Nevertheless, they are a tolerated nuisance, as common as a sexually transmitted disease.