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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

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... that PF4Eva is a cannibal? (Pictured)

... that there's only a slight difference between you and me? (Pictured)

... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
... that you actually didn't know?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that the police are at your door?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?

... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)

... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that I think you know what's happening today?

... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)

... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that your fly is unzipped?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?

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In the news
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the hospital survived Chuck Norris • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay**
Onay isthay ayday...
March 22: World Water Day 1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches. 1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time. 1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes. 1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet. 2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently. 2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered by FCC to end "sexy" ad campaign because too many viewers just want to fuck the burger. 2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water. Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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