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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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... that there's only one way to party? (Pictured)

... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)

... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that the butler did it?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
... that your fly is unzipped?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?

... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts?

... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that I am inside your walls?

... that Vincent Price is laughing at you from the grave? (Pictured)

... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?

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In the news
"USA! USA!" Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths*: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy* (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay
Onay isthay ayday...
February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day 1455 - The Gutenberg Bible is first printed, God brags that he is now a published author. 1923 - Werner Heisenberg plans to describe the uncertainty principle to his peers, but is unsure if they'll like it or not. 1941 - Scientists first create Plutonium, but instead of getting cool superpowers they just get cancer and die. 1947 - The International Organization for Standardization is founded to make Americans feel insecure about the customary system. 1999 - Kurdish leader Abdullah Öcalan is sentenced to death by Turkey due to mustache jealousy. 2015 - Vin Diesel (Pictured) says the word family so many times it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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