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Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of not caring) is the study of really really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with archeology due to the almost identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing. While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new things by looking at old things, despite the immediate logical impossibilities. Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. As Archaeology for Kids! host Bryan Williamson once said, "I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then if they can't do anything freaky with electrons in the privacy of a high speed collision chamber? Ok now I have got that off my chest, I will return to imagining how dead people once lived."

The first reported archaeologist was a king of Babylonia called Nabonidus in the 6th century B.C. He was so keen at preserving old buildings that he neglected to look after his country and was overthrown by Cyrus the Great of Persia. Modern historians, who are to archaeologists as strippers are to losers, know this to be true as Nabonidus's discarded monogrammed shorts and trowel were found embedded in ancient ruins that belonged to civilisations much older than his. (Full article...)

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... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
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... that there's only one word in the vocabulary of a customer service representative? (Pictured)

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... the muffin man?
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... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

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... that the The Antipodean Gallery of Post-Modern Art will play host to some of Pau Pei's most groundbreaking works of concentric art? (Pictured)

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Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay**
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March 18: World Happiness Day 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire. 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder. 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass." 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun. 1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected. 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks. 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found. 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture. Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

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In order to quell the ongoing strife in the Mideast, the Canadian government has elected to send their elite peacekeeping forces into Afghanistan, Iraq and Mos Eisley.

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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