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Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

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... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
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... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
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... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

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...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
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... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
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... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
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... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
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... that the Silver Surfer has a very large family? (Pictured)

... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?

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A great disturbance was recorded in the historical community today when what appeared to be a preliminary version of the Michelangelan Fresco that decorates the Sistine Chapel was found spraypainted on a remote alleyway in Rome. Notable historians whatsisname and thatguy said it was due to Michelangelo's intense desire to be accepted into the Renaissance art movement, which they say "required a fair amount of street cred."

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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