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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?

... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)

... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that I am Batman?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?

... that there's only one word in the vocabulary of a customer service representative? (Pictured)

... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?

... that there's only one way to party? (Pictured)

... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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