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You feel an emptiness inside you, a deep pit in your soul that nothing man-made can fill. How many years has it been since you felt her hair running through your fingers?

None of that matters. The only thing that makes you happy now is garlic bread. You know it’s bad for your health, and you know it smells like the underpants of a sweaty Gondola rower, but you can’t help yourself.

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... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured)

... that I'm coming to get you? (Pictured)

... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that I am Batman?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?

... that Vincent Price is laughing at you from the grave? (Pictured)

... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?

... that in Rhode Island any marriage where either of the party is an idiot and/or lunatic is considered null & void? And therefore, almost everyone in the state is, technically, a bastard? (Pictured)

…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

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In the news
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the world died to him • Buffy • Xander Harris Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay**
Onay isthay ayday...
March 22: World Water Day 1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches. 1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time. 1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes. 1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet. 2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently. 2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered by FCC to end "sexy" ad campaign because too many viewers just want to fuck the burger. 2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water. Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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