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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.
This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.
What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)
Featured today, a long long time ago
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Idday ouyay owknay...
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- ... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts?
- ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
- ... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
- ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
- ... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
- ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
- ... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)
- ... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
- ... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
- ... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
- ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
- ... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
- ... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
- ... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
- ... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)
- ... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
- ... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
- ... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
- ... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
- ... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
- ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
 - ... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
- ... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
- ... that my mom's name is also Martha?
- ... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
- ... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
- ... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
- ... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
 - ... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
- ... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
- ... that the police are at your door?
- ... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
- ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
- ... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
- ... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
 - ... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
- ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
- ... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
- ... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
- ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
- ... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
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In the news
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Onay isthay ayday...
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March 14: American π Day
- 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
- 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
- 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
- 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
- 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
- 2004 - The day Krabs fries
- 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
- 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.
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