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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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Idday ouyay owknay...

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that Godot isn't coming?
... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?

... that there's only one way to party? (Pictured)

... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?

... that my English teacher is gay? (Pictured)

... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
... that I am inside your walls?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?

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In the news
1977-2026 US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek** (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay
Onay isthay ayday...
February 19: Alt + F4 Day 1600 - A volcano explodes in Peru. It's a good first line for a limerick, I guess. 1807 - Aaron Burr, former Vice President and guy who shot Alexander Hamilton, is imprisoned for treason; Burr is released following a quadruple rhyming triplet and an emotionally resonant leitmotif allusion. 1846 - The State Government of Texas is officially established in Austin, its first act: Mexican food sold within the state must include at least 200% recommended cheese intake. 1915 - World War I: The first attack on the Ottomans commences as the Australians attack the shoreline with drop bear reinforcements. 1949 - Ezra Pound decides that poetry is the perfect medium for his antisemitism, mostly because Jew can be rhymed with so many other words. 1954 - The Soviet Union transfers Crimea from Russian land to Ukraine, which will cause absolutely no problems in future. 1985 - EastEnders stars airing in the UK, causing more Brits to be visibly depressed. Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

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Unable to reach Him by phone, Oscar Wilde took his seat in God's waiting room (also called purgatory). It is believed that he waits there to this day.

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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