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Let's get one thing straight, my dear Wats-onium.

(Puffs cigar).

When you're talking magnetism, you're talking about me. I've got the highest magnetic moment of ANY naturally occurring element. You could call it a magnetic personality. I pull the facts right out of the air. Things are just drawn to me. Like you, and don't deny it. It's a gift, from me to you.

(Gestures to empty seat in front of desk)

In my pure, elemental form, I'm a bright, silvery character. Soft enough to be cut with a knife, IF you can get close enough. But I don't stay pristine for long.

(Coughs).

The streets of this world, this city, the damp air, they tarnish me, give me a yellowish oxide coat.

(Coughs again).

It adds character, and everyone loves character.

(Throws down cigar and picks up pipe). (Full article...)

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Idday ouyay owknay...

... that a smiling Joe Pesci is never a good thing? (Pictured)
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?

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In the news
Don't ask what any of this has to do with Christmas. Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday (Pictured) Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches! ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up." 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth" The New York Yankees now fucking suck Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter The UK to ban the resale of tickets Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not? Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents" Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT! Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 3 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Bills Mafia shitting themselves after losing the division to the Patsies due to a terrible kicker Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas ~~City~~ Chiefs', Dallas Cowboys', Detroit Lions' and Indianapolis Colts' seasons • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Patrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Pittsburgh Steelers' season • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually • 2025 • Stranger Things UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay
Onay isthay ayday...
December 31: Fuck, What Did I Do This Whole Fucking Year? Day 2000 BC - The Ancient Sumerians are the first to observe the New Year as a way to celebrate their slowly impending deaths. 1788 - The Scottish convince the world they need to sing at New Year's Eve at midnight, write a song whose lyrics are completely unpronounceable. 1900 - The first glowing ball thing that drop when the year ends is invented, initially as a terrorist plot by Irish extremists. 2010 - Manufacturers of those novelty glasses shaped like the number of the year start to worry. 2017 - Novelty glasses makers give up and just make normal glasses with the years put on top like a bunch of fucking cowards. 2025 - You think to yourself: next year's gonna be the year I get my shit together, I'm gonna lose 10 pounds, quit drinking, start opening up to people... 2026 - It's a year later, and yet another year has come and gone with nothing to show for it. Maybe next year... Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

Oday'stay eaturedfay icturepay

...the Hundred Acre Wood-wide police crackdown netted Piglet, shown here in his mugshot after being charged with vagrancy, operating a wheelbarrow while intoxicated, hunting woozles without a licence, smuggling of unpasteurized honey across state lines...

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Oh my god! There are no more days left! It's today or miss the boat to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 41,141 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages, including Igpay Atinlay!:

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