II Am Legend
II Am Legend is a 2025 American post-post-apocalyptic film starring Michael Jordan. It's a sequel to the 2007 DVD I Am Legend starring Will Smith, which was based on the movie with the same name. Since DVDs are obsolete these days, the sequel DVD will be a direct-to-movies movie, even though the movies themselves would probably be extinct by 2025. I mean, the movies would be extinct, not the movies. The buildings in which we used to see movies in. Not the movies themselves. People will still see Basic Instinct and Shrek, but on their TV sets or computers. Or computer sets. Or Samsungs. Finish your vegetables, Sam.
The film is notable for having one of the cleverest sequel titles of all times, just like Alie7 and nothing else really. No, don't push away the celery, Sam. Celery will make your ears clean, you know. Sam! I'm talking to you, bitch! Don't think that if you died on theater I will let you get away with eating your fucking vegetables!
OK, you can put the celery aside today. But that's the last time this week, bitch.
Plot
Michael Jordan is a zombie who is part of a zombies civilization who only wish to be understood by other species, and are not cruel or vicious at all in any way. Just like those fucking people who are making this sequel right here, Sam. Those zombies only seem ugly on the outside, but on the inside they are gentle beings who only made me hang upside down for hours so that I can enjoy the sunset upside down before all humanity gets extinct without any human being ever attempting to watch the sunset upside down. They were just sorry for us, you understand Sam?
So after Michael Jordan and me become best friends, he takes me to his lovely zombies club called Brainstasia. He tells me that he will help me inject all the sick zombies with my injection. He then introduces me to Akiva Goldsman, the mayor zombie. Goldsman agrees to take one of my injections, if I agree to let him eat one of my ears.
After I let him eat my left ear, Goldsman arrives to my apartment and gets the injection. Then I let him see my DVD of I Am Legend with the normal ending, which makes him really angry. I mean he was ANGRY, Sam. He just began making crazy faces and distort his face and neck and his veins became really swollen. Just before he headbutted my TV screen, I bitch slapped him and he died immediately.
So at this point it was clear that nothing good would come out of this Goldsman guy, and that Michael Jordan would be pretty pissed at me when I tell him that I killed his mayor. So I... hey Sam, if I put your celery aside it doesn't mean you don't eat the garlic today. Please insert the fucking garlic inside your mouth and chew it to death, or I WILL fucking kill you. I mean it, Sam. That's a girl.
Where was I? Michael Jordan. Well, that fucking bitch had to die. So I just blew the bitch up with some more dynamite I found and killed myself all over again. Hopefully they won't do another sequel again in 20 years.
Cast and characters
- Michael Jordan as Michael Jordan, a basketball player / animation actor in his youth, nowadays an aging zombie who seeks understanding from innocent and idiotic film fans.
- Me as myself, an actor who needs no introductions, and so doesn't his wife.
- Akiva Goldsman as Chris Rock, a wannabe Jigsaw copycat.
- You as Sam, my beloved dog who doesn't eat your fucking celery.
- Celery as the lion from I Am Legend.
- Celery II as the other lion from I Am Legend.
- Garlic. Eat it right now, Sam. I am Kidding not. I will take this garlic and shove it up your cold dead nose, bitch. Just wait 20 more years and see.
Production
The movie we're talking about, II Am Legend, is currently in pre-pre-production, meaning that the producers are still in the stage of waiting to see what Uncyclopedia's comments about the movie will be, and acting accordingly. Nothing prepared them for this article right here, of course. They didn't see this bitch slap coming. So will you if that final garlic doesn't come down your throat RIGHT NOW, Sam. I don't care that you're a corpse. I've saved you for 20 years inside this garlic sauce so that you're able to digest garlic even when you're dead for 20 years. That's right, you're 95% garlic now, dawg. Get used to it.
I mean, I'm getting used to it myself. After they do this movie I'm about to star in the new porn The Pursuit of Hapenis. You're not the only one swallowing garlics around here, Sam.
Reception
II Am Legend, both the article and the movie itself will not do so well in theaters and VFH, mostly because Akiva Goldsman has the most Jewish name in the history of Zombie kind, and Kakun is a well-known Zionist from Zion.[1] That reminds me, Sam. Those rotten tomatoes will not eat themselves. I don't care that they sat here for 20 years, you must finish ALL your vegetables today. Or the apocalypse will come to get you, Sam. Just watch me. Keep my tomato inside your fucking mouth.
Hey, Sam, look! A butterfly!
...woof.
References
- ↑ Bob released "Iron Lion Zion" after he was dead, too. You WILL finish your vegetables today, Sam. All your vegetables from the river to the sea, Sam. I promise you.
 | This page was originally sporked from The Exorcist, kind of. |
|
This article is part of UnfilM The preferred oeuvre of Drive-Ins everywhere. |
