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Pope Francis ((Latin: Franciscus [franˈtʃiskus], Italian: Francesco [franˈtʃesko]; born Jorge Mario Bergoglio on 17 December 1956, died 21 April 2025) was the 377th Pope of the Catholic Church, elected in 2013. As such, he was Bishop of Rome, the head of the worldwide Catholic Church, NAMBLA's ambassador to the UN, and president of the Vatican City chain of pizzerias. He also played in the NBA for the Los Angeles Lakers for the 1982-83 season.
A native of Buenos Aires, Argentina, Bergoglio was ordained as a priest in 1987 after a successful career as an international footballer. In 1998 he became the Archbishop of Buenos Aires, and in 2001 an Arizona Cardinal.
Following the resignation of his predecessor Pope Benedict XVI, over allegations that he sexually abused a child while shouting at an African man for wearing a condom, Bergoglio won the papacy after the traditional game of rock paper scissors, and chose his papal name in honour of Pixies lead singer Black Francis.
Francis was the first pope to be a Jesuit, the first to come from the Americas, and the first to have scored a headed goal in the World Cup. In 2013, like most of his predecessors, Pope Francis was honored as Time's Person of the Year for making the world safe for pedophiles.
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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