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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.
Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.
Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)
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Idday ouyay owknay...
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- ... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)
- ... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
- ... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
- ... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
- ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
- ... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
- ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
- ... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
 - ... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
- ... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
- ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
- ... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
- ... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
- ... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
- ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
 - ... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
- ... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
- ... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
- ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
- ... that you should invest in chicken stock?
- ... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
- ... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
- ... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)
- ... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)
- ... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
- ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
- ... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
- ... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
- ... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
- ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
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In the news
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Onay isthay ayday...
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March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably
- 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
- 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
- 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
- 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
- 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.
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