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Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

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... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
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...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
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... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that torture is better to give than to receive?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?

... that my English teacher is gay? (Pictured)

... that you've just lost the game?
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... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
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... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?

... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured)

... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
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... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?

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Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths*: Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • DMV* - the TV show, not the actual DMV. It ended on a cliffhanger: Everyone was still waiting for their number to be called. • Mr. Strickland Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay
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March 29: National Treason Day 30 AD - Judas Iscariot betrays his best friend Jesus for a Coke, gets a Pepsi from the Sanhedrin instead. Heartbroken, he hangs himself. 1792 - King Gustav III of Sweden is assassinated when conspirators remove the structural dowels in his HATTEFJÄLL office chair. 1847 - American troops sack the Mexican city of Veracruz, steal the secrets of the fish taco from its denizens. 1857 - Indian Sepoys mutiny against the British after being forced to endure their take on Indian cuisine. 1951 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are arrested for giving the Soviet Union secrets of the nuclear family. 1973 - William Calley, U.S. Army officer responsible for the My Lai Massacre, is given numerous high-fives for his "epic" K/D ratio. 2019 - The United Kingdom leaves the EU, as per the deal, the entire British Isles will be towed into the Bermuda Triangle. Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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