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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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... that a smiling Joe Pesci is never a good thing? (Pictured)

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?

... that there's only a slight difference between you and me? (Pictured)

... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?

... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?

... that BET is dedicated to bringing quality entertainment to the masses? (Pictured)

... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that nobody asked?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?

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In the news
"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths*: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy* (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about UnNewsay – Adioray Eefray Unchlay
Onay isthay ayday...
February 20: Hot Garbage Day 1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California. 1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding. 1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out. 1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about. 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space. 2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English. Iewvay omorrowtay – Oremay anniversariesay...

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 41,068 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages, including Elvish!:

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