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A hardboard has revealed that it suffered abuse at the hands of Rolf Harris for many years, frequently being "made to wobble" on television against its will.

"He promised me a life in showbiz," the board told us, "and my eyes lit up. I had always been ambitious about my future. I didn't want to spend my whole life in the factory – the factory where I was made I mean. I wanted to be part of something big, perhaps a table or a cabinet. When Rolf said he was going to make me a star on stage, I thought he meant as part of the background scenery." Instead, the board revealed, Harris subjected it to decades of humiliating abuse, carrying it on stage in his licentious, hairy arms and "wobbling" it for his own and the crowd's enjoyment.

"I never told anyone because I didn't think people would believe me. I just used to freeze and go stiff as a ... well, as stiff as a board when he grabbed ahold of me, but unfortunately that just made the sound even more effective." (Full article...)

Idday ouyay owknay...

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  • ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
  • ... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
  • ... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
  • ... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
  • ... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
  • ... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?

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Onay isthay ayday...

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August 28: International Horniness Day.

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Sexual Predator
El cazador que hace trofeos de los hombres—The demon who makes trophies of men.

Image credit: Mhaille
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

You now only have 3, god dammit, 3 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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