UnNews:France avenges World Cup defeat

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

6 September 2006

For the seventh time in recorded history, Rome is totally screwed.

ROME, Italy -- France avenged their World Cup final defeat with a morning nuking of key Italian cities, including Venice, Naples, and the once-great world capital Rome. This act is the first time France has used its tiny, tiny nuclear arsenal against its enemies since it nuked Greenpeace's headquarters in 1987.

This move has come as a surprise to Americans, who are too fat, stupid, and heterosexual to appreciate the sportsmanship and insanity associated with the beautiful game. However, it's not much of a surprise to most Europeans, Latin Americans, and pretty much all those other foreigners, all of whom grow up exposed to such irrational emotion.

"I think it was a great move, even though I despise Zinedine Zidane and anything else that is French," Londoner Billy Britain is reported to have said. "I just wish we'd done this to Argentina in '84. Those bloody wankers are always stealin' our colonies and cheating in football matches, and I believe it's high time we whipe Buenos Aires off the map."

Italians, who will likely still be recovering from the severe burn wounds and cancer caused by these attacks 25-50 years into the future, see France's acts as irrational and lecherous. "Itsa notta very nice to do sucha things, no?" my interpreter, who has taken one year of English, poorly translated Italian Prime Minister Romano Prodi as saying. The Pope, who received severe wounds in the attack, has called Jacques Chirac a "bloody dickhead" and excommunicated the entire nation of France indefinitely.

The unspeakable act which caused World War III.

The UN remains divided on the issue. Quoth head honcho Kofi Annan, "I am glad to see that international sport has prompted world leaders to attempt to solve important problems. However, I do not see violence as the answer to the problem of headbutting being grounds for a red card. I believe we should press sanctions on France, and then attempt to heal a war-ravaged Italian people, and, more importantly, their football team." The UN's headquarters in New York City were then hit by an ICBM launched from a missile base in French Guiana, and Annan was vaporized on the spot.

It is unknown what effect the nuking of random cities and the dissolution of the United Nations will have on the prospects of world peace, but experts foresee a massive robot uprising and laws requiring men to "prostrate themselves before the almighty MechaChirac." UnNews will provide more information on this pressing issue as it becomes available.

Your UnComprehensive Guide to the World of Football

Sources

• John Bull "France 3-0 Italy" BBC, August 6, 2006

• Jon Krakauer "Nero vaporized as Rome burns" New York Times, August 6, 2006