Hetero (prefix)

Look! He's knitting and playing the drums at the same time! Now that's what I call HETEROknitting!

Are you completely at a loss for manliness? Has your masculinity up and gone, leaving you a snivelling wreck? Well, my son, that's where HETERO- comes in!

Applying the prefix "hetero-" can make even the most effeminate of words sound macho! Take "knitting" for example. Even saying the word makes a man sensitive and weak! But just add "hetero-", and, hey freakin' presto, HETEROknitting! It's totally manful!

Bi-curious?

Suddenly gymnastics just got more hairy and manful!

Some men out there like to share their feelings with members of their own gender, but they're scared: what will their friends think? Well, despair not, good friend, just take "hetero-". How's about... HETEROflexible! A haa! With your newfound manfulness, you can go anywhere you like and do anyone you want, and if anyone says 'Hey, you fag!,' then you can reply 'I'm not a fag, I'm a heterofag!' See? As long as you add "hetero-" to a word, it can never be gay.

Gym-freakin'-nastics!

Male gymnastics is one of those sports that no men ever watch or partake in. It's one of those activities that say 'Hey, look at me! I'm wearing a leotard and I love having gay non-hetero butt sex with non-hetero men! Up the ass! Hard!' Well, all you have to do is play with the word, and suddenly you've got a sport everyone wants to play: HETEROgymnastics! It rolls off the tongue perfectly, but, more importantly, it's red-blooded and manlike! And you can get away with being flexible too!

Day-by-day boredom

Every now and then, even the most totally prolific, two-fisted manly hunter gets bored when he's hanging out with his amigos! You find yourself thinking 'I hate this. I hate my life,' and you get, woah, like hugely massively introspective and shit. How can you truly beef up this time of your life? That's easy! Just add "hetero-"! Let's see... hmm... This... is... HETEROlame!'' See that? See what I just did? I totally lit up and man-icized your compadres' days, that's what I just freakin' did!

Directions, fuck yeah!

What do you do if someone pulls up in a car and asks you for directions to somewhere like the nearby post office?! What can you do?! Can you handle it?! Yes you freakin' can, all you need is "hetero-"! Just reply to them 'Don't you mean the HETERO-post office!?,' and they'll agree out of pure manliness! Now you've motivated yourself, you'll know the exact directions to a place, even if you've never heard of it before! Yeah! You'll find yourself applying verbs to directions that you never thought you'd use before! 'You SLAM a right up there by the right arrow sign, then WRECK the third exit on the roundabout. Keep going straight ahead for a while until you reach the U-Turn, and then FREAKIN' MASSACRE IT! Then, you park your car, and you're there. No problem. Nice jacket, by the way.'

Le Hetero-Fin!

So, that's all you need to know. What you've got to remember, is that without HETERO, you're nothing. You've gotta ram it down people's throats! And, I leave you with one final tip: the more men there is, the more manly! Yeah! We don't need women to satisfy us, that would be like diluting our manhood! Yeah? YEAH!

See also

• HowTo:Convince People You're a Heterosexual Male
• UnNews:Local men secure enough in masculinity to fuck other men