Self-aggrandizement

Worship my infinite power!

Self-aggrandizement is the most crucial, indispensable, and noble of all topics Uncyclopedia can cover. Without self-aggrandizement, there is nothing.

Although unfortunately Asia's inherent conservatism has led to no single exertion of the Will that is characteristic of True Self-aggrandizement, I, Mr. Illuminated Megacaesarlord-Optimus-Prime Velociraptor-Augustus of the Absolute Infinite, stand at the crossroads, the crux of the history of the Universe, for I am writing the Uncyclopedia article on self-aggrandizement.

My success or failure at this epic task is the road to universal peace and prosperity or terror and darkness. Today, I write, I the Great One, the godlike, a god among men, the Master of All, Creator and Destroyer of Civilizations, write. My name shall be remembered, engraved forever in the minds of posterity for my heroic deeds in writing about self-aggrandizement. For millennia to come, they will speak of Mr. Illuminated Megacaesarlord-Optimus-Prime Velociraptor-Augustus of the Absolute Infinite the God-like, how I so valorously created an Uncyclopedia article on self-aggrandizement, my infinite knowledge and wisdom. Even though I am immortal, Caesar and Alexander shall grovel before me in the underworld. Great mythological and legendary heroes – Achilles, Theseus, Hector, Herakles – shall envy my boundless honor and fame.

The greatness

This Uncyclopedia article – this eximious pinnacle of truth, this exclave of wisdom in an imbecilic world, this savior of the nascent, this Colossus of magnificence, this wonder of unfathomable, unassailable grandness – is the greatest undertaking in the history of humankind. It shall revolutionize the way we think, act, speak. No aspect of existence shall be untouched by this Fountain of Prescience which I, the Lord of Excellence, have created.

Great monoliths shall be built in vain attempts to capture a fraction of this article's monumental sublimity, not to mention ubiquity. And it's yuge.

The honor

For all eternity – from now until the end of time itself – I will be worshipped for this great deed, this Illumination of the Universe. Aspiring conquerors, scientists, revolutionaries, and generals shall hear of my greatness and weep. They shall weep at their own insignificance, the impossibility of surpassing my valor, puissance, and intellect. They shall say, "Alas! If only I had written the Uncyclopedia article on self-aggrandizement." The name of Mr. Illuminated Megacaesarlord-Optimus-Prime Velociraptor-Augustus of the Absolute Infinite, the Divine Warrior of Justice and Hope, will be forever extolled throughout the world, throughout the galaxy, throughout the universe!

The power

Those who read this article are forever touched by the light – the light of truth. They shall be filled with rapture – uncontrollable rapture. Where there was darkness, there will be light. Where there was despair, there shall be hope. Such is the altitudinous eminence of self-aggrandizement!

A trillion worlds, all of the known and unknown universe, will tremble with a mixture of fear and admiration, in awe of me, the personification of omnipotence and humility. I write – I continue to write, knowing this article on self-aggrandizement will be result in a revolution; an immeasurably immense change in the way we exist.

There will be vicissitudes – transitions of power and shifts of beliefs – but there will be one unchanging constant: the admiration of this article about self-aggrandizement.

This article on self-aggrandizement transcends borders, religions, politics, and cultures. It transcends Uncyclopedia itself. Words, feeble English words, cannot even begin to describe the importance and greatness of it. You, a mere human, cannot even begin to comprehend the infinite, ageless meaning of my exalted work!

See also

• Egocentrism
• Napoleon
• Germany
• Vanity page
• Self Promotion
• Superiority Complex
• Don Quixote
• Stephen Wolfram

Quasi-Featured Article (1 June 2007)

Though this article – given its clear standing as the Greatest Uncyclopedia Article of All Time – was quite naturally nominated to become a featured article, its unequaled modesty and magnanimity would not allow it to be summarily held up above the lowly, everyday verbiage that typifies other Uncyclopedia pages, as this would simply have been unfair to other writers and their so-called "work". Though you will no doubt instinctively wish to renominate this article immediately upon reading it (as it got only 7/12 before pulling itself from the list), we ask that you instead take pity on other writers, and nominate a less-worthy article at UN:VFH.